Well, it had been 9 months since my last therapy appointment in which she basically said, "You need to figure things about before I can help you anymore, but feel free to come back and let me know how things are going."  Which, really, she was right.  I look at everything as validating everything else so I get caught in these vicious thought-cycles that I can't break.

It's like, well, some of the more established members have seen it a lot I guess.
I'm married, I made a vow, I can't break my vows, if I break my vows, I am a liar.
I can't stay married and transition, therefore, if I transition I will be a liar.
on and on and on about everything.

Anyway, I went back today after 9 months and agreed that I need an anti-depressant.

30 years to accept that I am really transgendered.  Okay scratch that, 30 years to accept that something is wrong with me and I can't keep living this way, and I need therapy.

A year in contemplation before I agreed to take an anti-depressant.

I think I am moving slowly.

Jessica, it took me 10 years to get on anti-depressants for my major depressive disorder, and they have made all the difference. Good for you. As for the conundrum with your wife, have you talked to her about transitioning (I'm sure you have, but wondering nonetheless)? I know there are some women on here who remain married despite transitioning.

Rafe

Yes, I have.  It's a long story, most of which is already here, basically, She firmly believes that I'm possessed by demons.  Although, I am quite unsure why a demon would even want to be in the body I'm in. I mean, if I was a demon, I certainly wouldn't choose MY body, I'd choose a female body, but, I guess that's part of the problem.

Quote from: Jessica on August 07, 2006, 01:17:56 PM
Anyway, I went back today after 9 months...

How did today's session go (apart from the anti-depressant)? Any help with breaking through the "vicious thought-cycles?"

We discussed whether or not something is biologically based or mentally based. Her stance was that it really doesn't matter, it is no less 'real' whether it is mentally caused, biologically caused, or both.  The reason this was brought up was I mentioned a long time ago that if a biological causation was found, I would transition in AN INSTANT.  She said I shouldn't look to science for validation.  She posed the questions:

If you live to 50, and then a biological causation was found, would you regret not having transitioned today?
Or, if you transitioned today, and then at 50, and they found that it was really all in your head, would you be any less happy?

Making the very solid point that, whether it's mental or biological or social, or some combination of all 3, it doesn't matter, it's what is real.  Which is a set of very solid points.

Then we debated on whether or not I'm crazy.

she said no, and I said I don't think I am, but it's got to be a possibility. I mean, if you ask most normal people about us, they would say we have to be crazy.  GID is listed in the DMS-IV and only 'mental conditions' are listed in there.  We went through the little checklist again as listed in the book. I laughed at one of them: childhood preference for games of the opposite sex.

I said yeah, but if you ask men honestly whether they would like to play a game where they get beat up (football) or a game where there is no winner or loser and it's just more of an activity (tea, hopscotch, jumprope, etc.) and none of their friends were around I'm pretty sure that most of them would rather play a game with no winner or loser.

She told me I was wrong, that one of the characteristics of men's games are competition.  I'm not so sure.

Then we talked about my situation with my wife.
We talked about Vows, Happiness, Selfishness, etc.

That was pretty much my hour

Jessica

Sweetheart, just because something is in the DSM-IV doesn't mean it makes you crazy. I have a B.A. in psyc, and knowledge on the DSM-IV; until 1980, homosexuality was considered a mental disorder. Pain during sex is still considered a disorder. Being too dependent on others is not only a disorder, but one of the big 10 Personality Disorders. You're not crazy. I have major depressive disorder and OCD under the guidelines of the DSM-IV, but my doctor still assures me I'm not crazy. When you talk about someone being insane, it's not just that they have a disorder according to the DSM-IV; it's more when they have difficulty in living a normal life to the point that it interferes significantly with the lives of others, such as in paranoid schizophrenics.

And demons? So what does your wife think, that you should find a priest and be exorcised? It sounds like she's looking for a reason for something she can't fully understand. Perhaps, when you're more comfortable with it, you could have her talk to your doctor as well and possibly enlighten her as to the details of your transsexuality. I realize you love her and have promised yourself to her, but that doesn't mean you should live the rest of your life in misery.

Rafe

Jessica,

This is the most difficult time in your life as you attempt to make these decisions.  It is always more difficult when you are married and children are involved. You are doing the right things.

It's hard.  I know.  I've been through the same thing.  Let me just say, that I care about you. I don't know you, but I wish I could do something to take a little of your pain away.  Chin up

Cindi