Quote from: CindyJamesHer comment was; being what you want is all well and good but once your medical colleagues know about Cindy you are finished professionally. I really don't think you should go out as Cindy in case some one recognises you.

And therein lies the conundrum... once I gave up being religious, I had a friend say that to me for abandoning the dogma, I can only imagine what he would say about going out as Stacy (or god forbid, transitioning). But I cant continue on this path of duality... its tearing me up inside. So do I give in to the negatives knowing whats at stake and shortchange myself, or do I dismiss it all as drama created in my head and wake up one morning and find out it was real?

All I know is Im tired of living in fear of loss... thats no way to live... 

My transition has paralleled Dennis'.  If anything, I've gained respect, and again, that may be because people just don't get why a man would want to be a woman (obviously not undertstanding it).  And part of it is that even in 2009 women are just not as respected as men, and now that you're a woman (you always were, but perceived as one) you're experiencing that.

It was one of the things I hated most in female mode, being ignored, dismissed, and treated like I was stupid, when I am competent and capable and knew what I was talking about.  It wasn't uncommon for me to state something, only to have a male repeat it to another person, and suddenly it was the best idea ever, with the credit going to the male and not me.  Fairly typical, unfortunately.


Jay

Quote from: FairyGirl on May 29, 2009, 03:41:00 PM
I have so far found this to be true as well.. at least I have had many of my friends comment to me how brave I am to do this and that in itself has given them a new respect for what I am doing. I have also made quite a few new friends as a result of transitioning. I'm sure I've gained exponentially more than I've lost or "given up", all things considered. I have never thought of it in terms of what I would lose (other than that obvious "thing" I'll be glad to be rid of), just considered what I would gain. Maybe it has to do with our attitude about "loss" and "gain". Some things I have been well glad to lose.

Actually, I can't say that I've lost anything.  Some of my male friends had a little trouble at first - not being true to the team, or something - but now they treat me the same as always but will open the door for me sometimes.   I have more and closer female friends than I did before.  My social calendar is far busier than it was.   People tell me they respect me for finally being true to myself.

My next door neighbor is having a little trouble accepting me as Katherine, and I'll be sorry if I lose his friendship because he's an ideal neighbor (quiet, clean, helpful, friendly, leaves me alone).  And a sort-of friend I would meet for coffee now and then has more or less disappeared, but we really didn't have much in common anyway.  The rest of the people around me are closer than ever.  It's like we share a nice secret, and that bonds us together.  They can be more open with me because I've been more open with them.

I was always afraid of being girly.  A tomboy is acceptable, a girly boy is not.  But for the most part people accept me as who I am - struggling to let Katherine shine out.  What little I may have lost pales in comparison to the bounty I've gained.

- Kate

I've only gained respect and reputation so far, didn't lose any friends and only one has been weird about it (I suppose you could count him as a loss 'cos we don't really hang out anymore) but not nearly as bad as I thought he would be. I've made more friends especially in the music scene because I find it easier to socialise with people I don't know so well now. I'm not out at work yet - I'm trying to move to another job rather than transition in this one - and I'm sure it would be a different story there but it doesn't bother me too much, their opinions don't really matter (but the continuing paycheck does for the moment ;P).

Quote from: Dennis on May 29, 2009, 01:27:50 PM
I don't know if it's the direction I travelled or the particular circumstances of my life, but I found I gained in both areas, among people I know, clients and colleagues. I had a number of people tell me how brave I was, and now that it's past, people seem to have forgotten about it and just treat me as a regular guy.

Dennis

I agree with that, although I think it is in part where you are and how old you are.  I am having the same experience and am in college.  My family, friends, teachers, and bosses have all told me that they respect me for it.  They tell me that I am brave for what I am doing, and they respect me for doing what I need to do.

I know that a lot of people have a tough time, but hang in there!

I think age makes a big difference. I think people are more sympathetic if you are college age or high school. I'm not saying it is any easier to come out when you are younger, just that I believe that people tend to be more understanding towards the young.

If you are past middle age, and have a wife and kids, it can be hard for people to accept that being TG is not a choice. They may have known you for many, many years as "a family man", and it is hard for them to see your new identity as a single woman. I think it is a sad truth that respect and reputation are easily lost for older transitioners.

Quote from: Dennis on May 29, 2009, 01:27:50 PM
I don't know if it's the direction I travelled or the particular circumstances of my life, but I found I gained in both areas

For some reason, I have too, at least with the friends and family I've come out to.  Maybe I was just a uninteresting, boring guy to be around, and as a girl I'm much more ... well alive ... you know ... energetic, talkative, complimentary to people.  I go outside and hang out with friends all the time nowadays instead of closing off the world.  Something else was that I acted very prideful as a guy, and now I've let down so many of my emotional barriers.  I think it's hard to be truly at peace with others until you are with yourself.

Other people pick up on this.

Quote from: BritneyBB on May 31, 2009, 02:47:56 PM
I think age makes a big difference. I think people are more sympathetic if you are college age or high school. I'm not saying it is any easier to come out when you are younger, just that I believe that people tend to be more understanding towards the young.

I've found this true in my experiences transitioning.  I have no idea why.

 I found I was comfortable with my self and that carried over to the start of my RLT. I had a support group that knew I was about to start the RLT. One of my friends let me stay over when the roads were impassible. We went everywhere together with me as Gloria. This carried over through the RLT. Now I am married, 39 yrs this month, and when I went for SRS this friend of ours decided we could not be friends any more because I was still married and this made us lesbians. Go Figure! At work when I started RLT I had management read a letter to the people from me explaining what was going to happen. I also told them they could ask any questions they wanted. This was in the postal service in a mail processing plant. I was an electronics tech. and retired as such. After the first few days, they found out that the person now presenting to them was just the same as the previous one on the inside. The fact I didn't act ashamed made a huge difference. After all was said and done I still did the same job. There were the ignorant ones, there will always be those but the other people out numbered them. So keep your head up.

Gloria

Before I transitioned, I had developed a strong support system around me of family and friends, and other trans peoploe, so I felt very supported during the process.

But even though I "did it right" in giving my boss months of notice, offers of training, education, etc. etc., he still managed to push me out the door, because he was a bigot.

But one of my customer's hired me and it has been a great job.  Not as much $$ but very happy.

some times there is just nothing you can do about bigotry. Sorry it had to be that way. I was offered a transfer to where ever I wanted to go because management was afraid for me. Bunch of Rednecks but I stayed and it actually worked for the better.
Gloria

Quote from: Inanna on May 31, 2009, 03:14:12 PM
For some reason, I have too, at least with the friends and family I've come out to.  Maybe I was just a uninteresting, boring guy to be around, and as a girl I'm much more ... well alive ... you know ... energetic, talkative, complimentary to people.  I go outside and hang out with friends all the time nowadays instead of closing off the world.  Something else was that I acted very prideful as a guy, and now I've let down so many of my emotional barriers.  I think it's hard to be truly at peace with others until you are with yourself.

Other people pick up on this.

I am much chattier and social than I was as a pretend-guy.  I've also found that I have much less to prove and so can relax.

My electrologist, who has many TG clients, said she thinks the young and older people have the easiest time but for some reason the 30 to 50 age group seem to have the most difficulty.  I haven't seen anything to contradict her but don't have as wide experience with other TGs as she does.  (She wasn't saying this is Truth.  She was just saying this is what she's observed.)

- Kate

I have to say that I've been very fortunate in that I haven't lost the respect of very few friends or family.  In fact I would have to say that respect and my reputation has increased since transition.

It turns out that those who I've lost were no real loss at all.

-={LR}=-

It is correct that one may lose respect from some but gain from others. I doubt that most respect me any way I go. Many people "Demonstrate" respect. So the gains far outweigh any losses. With love and due respect, Genevieve

I haven't really lost either yet, but only gained. Frankly, people just used to think I was weird. For example, I have a good friend who told me that when we first met she couldn't deal with the way I avoided and dealt with competition and conflict. We met in a group that played drop-in games of ultimate frisbee weekly, so that issue came up a lot. After I came out, people were able to figure me out more easily -- "Oh, she's a girl. That makes sense." So I get on a lot better.

But I still have some major obstacles ahead of me. I'm optimistic, but also quite anxious and afraid.

Today I spent time with a sometime friend I hadn't seen since starting fulltime.  He is a hunter and fisher and Harley rider and very male.  He said "It takes a real man to do what you're doing."

I wasn't quite sure what to reply to that so let it pass, but I'd guess he respects me more now than he did.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on June 01, 2009, 07:12:07 PM
He said "It takes a real man to do what you're doing."

Sounds like he was trying to give you a big compliment, in his own way

-----

Transitioning takes guts, but sometimes you're left with no other option. Facing it myself, I have max respect for anyone that goes through it.

I've just gotten people telling me I'm not man enough and there is "nothing wrong with me", so I'm going it alone (it's not upsetting, I just deal with it). I haven't noticed any difference in the way people see me, 'cause they're all in denial. It's nice to hear some people do in fact gain respect - I thought it would be universally the opposite.

The more open minded people do think it explains why I'm a little odd though .

Quote from: Cyndigurl45 on May 29, 2009, 02:54:46 PM
our male driven society

That can be subjective. In China and asian countries- that are is considered male driven.

In Western countries- they can consider it female friendly. But yes, they won't consider it female driven probably maybe female friendly.

I can see your point to some extent but women can assert themselves too. At times, I can see women completely own a man.

Quote from: Dennis on May 29, 2009, 01:27:50 PM
I don't know if it's the direction I travelled or the particular circumstances of my life, but I found I gained in both areas, among people I know, clients and colleagues. I had a number of people tell me how brave I was, and now that it's past, people seem to have forgotten about it and just treat me as a regular guy.

Dennis

I agree, Dennis.  My status and happiness have gone no where but up since I transitioned.  Some of my family think I'm kina weird but all agree that I'm much happier than they've known me to be before transition.  My career has flourished and I've even received some awards and recognition of Grand Poohbahs in society.  I've been invited to speak on mental health at conferences and on smooth workplace transitions to a group of HR managers for large corporations.  Most important is the feeling of being myself and not hiding the real me anymore.

Quote from: K8 on June 01, 2009, 07:12:07 PMHe said "It takes a real man to do what you're doing."

When I came out to a group of friends, one guy told me, "Dude, that took some balls." I told him, "Well, yes, that's precisely the problem."

Quote from: Claire de Lune on June 01, 2009, 10:47:24 PM
I agree, Dennis.  My status and happiness have gone no where but up since I transitioned.  Some of my family think I'm kina weird but all agree that I'm much happier than they've known me to be before transition.  My career has flourished and I've even received some awards and recognition of Grand Poohbahs in society.  I've been invited to speak on mental health at conferences and on smooth workplace transitions to a group of HR managers for large corporations.  Most important is the feeling of being myself and not hiding the real me anymore.

I had an acquaintance say to me, shortly after I transitioned (and still looked like a doof in a suit): "I didn't get the whole thing. I heard about it and I thought yeah what?" then he said "you look comfortable and happy, I never noticed you didn't before, but now I see you, you look happy."

And that was when I was feeling my most silly in a suit (looked about 12, body fat hadn't redistributed yet). Another friend said to me shortly before I transitioned (not knowing I was going to) "You are the happiest, most laid-back person I know". After, she said "wow, this is so natural for you."

People can tell when you're comfortable with yourself. That said, I have a friend who's transitioned recently and looks more uncomfortable. Not sure what to do about that. Or say.

Dennis