Thought about it more then a few times (tried it twice), mostly due to depression brought about by lack of a job, no money, no friends (they all left to do other things, I think 1 joined the army, some of them went to university, got married or left the area) and where I was living at the time (it was right dump).
The first time the voices in my head stopped me, (I'm sure the first voice was Rufus, a half-zombie character I use to play in a fantasy role-playing game, the second was Sara, a vampire character I played in Vampire: The Masquerade). Rufus basically went on about hope, the future and do I really know things won't improve for all I know I could pick up a paper tomorrow and find the perfect job. Sara went on about what she misses, like the feel of the sun on her skin; she used to like playing in the sun when she was a little girl, now if she steps out in the sun she'll get fried to a crisp. It was when she mentioned my dog it struck home (I had a pet dog), it could be a while before any finds my body, he's going to need feeding until then, what's he going live on? And what will happen to him when they find you?
Don't you just hate it when the voices use your emotions against you?
The second time my ex stopped me; I was living in a room on a housing co-operative at the time. This was the situation. The room above mine was occupied by Chris, he liked to listen to music (he liked it so much he wanted to share it with the whole co-operative) 10 am to 2am there was a constant "boom boom boom" (the mirror above the sink rattled, the pipes rattled, the window rattled, you touch the walls you could feel it, you could feel it though the floor, the bed), going up and banging on the door to ask him to turn it down doesn't work because he can't hear over the music. The woman who used to live in the room below me moved out because she couldn't hear the television over the noise. Next door to me you had Tony, forever arguing with his girlfriend, throwing her out, taking her back, having making up sex (you ever tried to sleep when the couple in the next room and having noisy sex?, lots of moans, yes's and enough Oh God's to classify as a religious experience), I think I know what she saw in him. When he wasn't arguing with his girlfriend or making up, he was cleaning the shared toilet (case of OCD) or body-building (used to take steroids or some something, made him schizophrenic). Next door to him you had Andy, he's sense of personal hygiene was near enough non-existent, you could still tell when he when in or out of his room 5 minutes later due to the smell he left behind. He used to ask me to help him with the latest game he bought for his PS2 or more then likely find out if I had any cheats for it, I tried not to stay to long since my eyes used to sting after about 3 minutes they were sore after 5 minutes. Tony used to yell at him about the smell and of course since I was the equal opportunities rep for the courtyard Andy used to come to me to lodge a complaint, any advice I gave to Andy used to go in one ear and out the other. I had Chris up stars with his music, Tony yelling at Andy, Andy complaining to me about Tony, Tony yelling at me because the amount of time Andy used to spend in my room complaining was making my room smell.
And to top it all of the careers adviser the job centre referred me to never listened me, he sent me to the same employer 3 times for the same job, who in turn gave me a whole load of reasons why I wasn't suitable, over qualified for a start, she did ask me if she was to offer me the job would I take it, I said no because I got the impression that if I said yes she would just give me more reasons why I'm not suitable, which I think was the answer she was looking for. As soon I got back the first question he asked was "did you take the job?"
"No because she never offered it to me"
but I got as far as "no" when he started going on about how that was a refusal to work, and how he's going to have to refer me back to the jobs centre, who will stop my benefits for 6 months.
I had enough went back to my room and tried to slash my wrists, what stopped me? I suddenly remembered it was my ex's birthday in a few days, birthdays are meant to be happy. I went around to see her at her friends flat, broke down in a flood of tears told her everything, she took me to see "the font of all human knowledge" AKA her housemates (between them they have more degrees, qualifications, diplomas, etc then you can shake a stick at, they been everywhere, seen everything, tried everything, etc, as long as it doesn't involve understanding female logic they can answer anything). One of the blokes there asked "if she never offered you the job, how could it be a refusal to work? If that ar****le wants to mess you around and try to get your claim shut down just go down to the job centre and make a fresh claim, if they ask tell them, oh, and be polite about it calling the ar****le an ar****le won't help. As for the ar****le's you share a house with, since their going to knock the place down to make way for the Olympic village, they've got to re-house us so you'll never seen those ar****le's again" On the way back to her friends house she told me about one of the bloke's in her house and his girlfriend. He was planning to surprise her by prosing, bought the ring, booked a romantic weekend in Paris, the works, just about to phone her up and she dumped him by text, he was planning to spend the rest of his saving on buying enough drugs to kill an elephant and just ODing, they talked him out of it.
I'm not sure if that bit about her housemate is true or she just said that to cheer me up, along the lines of "no matter how bad you feel, there always someone worse off"
sorry about the length - guess i got carried away
