Quote from: Brynn on December 07, 2009, 03:51:43 PM
I don't care for my gender identity to screw up another relationship though. My ex broke up with me at least halfway because of how I identify. So I want someone to accept me 100% as I am from the beginning. It's not like I'm going to put myself out there as transgender in an unsafe situation. Atm, my dating pool is pretty much limited to people from the LGBTQIS group I'm involved in on campus. And we've been having a lot of gender talks and whatnot, so it's not like it'd be way out in left field for me to bring my gender identity up.
I appreciate the advice, guys. But especially because I'm still exploring my gender identity, being trans is too big a part of who I am for me to just let people assume I'm a bioguy. I'll be careful, though.
Hun, I noticed that a lot of users are ushering you not to be out about being trans. The thing is, while it's totally understandable that they do not relish 'outing themselves' unnecessarily, (I'm not being down on them- it's very reasonable to not want/need to tell people what's in your pants when it doesn't need to be their business) there is nothing wrong with you being open about your identity if you yourself are comfortable with it, and from the sounds of it, it could very well help to negate unwanted expectations/views of you.
The truth of the matter is, if you are just out as a guy, and not as trans, well... You are a guy, but due to the ratio of cisgendered guys to transsexual ones, it'll be assumed that you're cisgendered. Or worse, since you're pre-T and may not pass 100%, if you aren't out about being a transguy or at least a guy, people may even simply assume you're a woman, blargh! And when your lover 'finds out' that you aren't cisgendered, there could be problems- so if you're comfortable being out as a transguy, by all means, let people know so you don't get stuck in a drama crapstorm with someone who expects/assumes you're cisgendered and discovers (possibly with utter dismay!) that you are not!
I know you were saying before that you're wary about dating someone who identifies as lesbian, because they might try to see you as a woman- the thing is, most 'straight' men will do the same, and 'straight' girls have the potential to freak out and blow up or not be interested at all, as well, due to the 'trans status'. My advice is, don't be too scared of experimenting with dating a gay girl, because really, if you avoid gay girls because they 'might be weird to you', you're judging lesbians in the same way you DO NOT want other people to judge *you*, in regards to dating, as a transguy. With any gender, sex, or orientation, there is the potential for your lover to try to see you in ways that are more appealing to them; avoiding gay women will not eliminate potential for this to happen.
Honestly, since you're comfortable being out as trans, wear it on your sleeve so people 'know what they're getting into', and then date whoever is appealing to you, really. Issues are a possibility for transpeople with any orientation or sex or gender, so don't be too afraid. After all, you don't want other people acting afraid or hesitant about you, so do other gender identities/sexual orientations a favor by not stereotyping them too much.
It's unfortunate that many romantic relationships between a transperson and just about anyone else has to have a Trans 101 at some point, but since you're out as trans, may as well bring it up from the get-go and get a feel for how understanding your love interest is, and go from there.
Be upfront. If a lesbian girl is interested in you, assert your male identity and explain it to her, to make sure you're both on the same page and you're not being objectified as female-bodied. Explain what it means to be trans, and decide if you want to pursue relations with the person based on their responses, not their sexual label.
Let her know you may be on T one day, and that it means you will probably be hairy and have a small dick/huge clit, and find out how she feels about this: ask her how she feels about body hair, how she feels about things stereotypically considered to be masculine body traits.
Many of the 'lesbians' and 'former lesbians' I've met have more pansexual tendencies, some of them even realize later on in life that they're transsexual themselves and therfore, 'straight' with their dating of women! Just as with straight people, many gays have not really experimented with the boundaries of their orientation. Some of them honestly don't want to; others just haven't thought about it or had the chance to experiment and discover. A surprising amount of lesbians simply identify that way because they have 'ended up' dating other women more than anything, haven't discovered the boundaries of their orientation, and/or simply haven't had the chance to date a transguy or other-gendered person who is appealing to them. We're kind of like unicorns, most people, gay or not, haven't knowingly encountered us often enough to have had the chance to date us.
Benefit of the doubt, anyone?
