Yesterday I was at the mall changing my daughter in the Men's room, baby talking to her, being very affectionate, etc. Particularly when alone with the baby, I love to embrace the chance to "mother" her as much as possible...

Anyway, these two guys get done at the urinals, and walk past me... They are a bit, ahem... rustic. Redneck-y would be the less polite term for it...  The older one (who I soon realize is the father of the younger one) points at me and says "see, THAT'S a real man, son." While intended as a compliment, it still made me uncomfortable, particularly when the Dad started telling me how his obviously teenage son had his own child on the way.

My first thought was "if you only knew, dude..." But then I got to thinking about how I've been told that "it's ok for a guy to be the way you are." My mom is the queen of this, trying to argue that I should try harder to be happy as a sensitive, emotional, affectionate man.

It's so hard to get across to people that even though you CAN live "successfully" as a man, that doesn't mean you want to, or that it would make you happy. For brief moments, there's sometimes a part of me that thinks "you could be a good male role model for your children, because you are not a typical guy."

But it always comes back to this: I'm not happy as a man. I slog through the days, I function, but I'm not happy. I'm beginning to come around to the idea that my children deserve a happy parent, even if it means both parents end up as girls.

That 'rednecked' father who made that statement to his son.

He's not only a real man, he's an utterly decent one at that.

There was a time when men simply didn't do such things. Now, the tough guys of the US are realising that, not only should they be caring fathers, they can enjoy it too.

Sorry, I know the point you were making but you were in the men's room after all. But any signs of men becoming more sensitive has to be a good thing for us and for children.

The only way to convince others that we want to live a certain way is by living that way.

Isn't it odd how the universe works on us not directly, but through other people? In your dismay you provided an example to someone who perhaps was not going to take responsibility and got some enlightenment out of the deal too. It sounds like a breakthrough to me 

My 2 cents not counting inflation.

real men aren't clones of their father, their father may want that to happen but reality tends to work differently.

The behavior of teen kid making rugrats is headdesk material to the more educated, mature mind, but in a way it's exactly what making clones of the father is about, because if they don't get brainwashed with the "right thing to do"...

I should have said this explicitly above: Yes, it's great that the redneckish Dad pointed to me as a positive example. Thank god he didn't scoff and mutter "->-bleeped-<-got" under his breath or anything... It's just that for me, it was a stark reminder that, hey, I don't want to be a real man... or any kind of man. I'd much rather be changing my daughter's diaper in the ladies room, and so on...

I'm really hoping he was referring to the fact that a real man takes care of their child. You know....?

I'm sure he was... I'm just in that head space where I don't enjoy being reminded how male I am at the moment... Obviously there was no ill intent on his part.

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on February 07, 2010, 01:19:36 PMI slog through the days, I function, but I'm not happy. I'm beginning to come around to the idea that my children deserve a happy parent....

This is part of why I pursue the transition myself.
_

I can see why it struck a nerve, but I still can't help but think it's a sweet and positive thing that a motherly, cooing, and gentle behavior towards an infant is being referred to as something a "real man" does.

And continuing that thought ...

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on February 07, 2010, 01:19:36 PM... even if it means both parents end up as girls.

Um ... yeah? So? It turns out kids don't need "a mom and a dad." Two moms or two dads do just as well. No study has ever shown anything else. One mom or one dad is usually tougher. Just be there for your kids and make sure they know you love them and support them. Everything else is secondary.

The studies done so far indicate that:

- Children tend to do better with two parents than one. (based on academic achievement and criminal actions, which is interestingly enough how they graph such things)  Those statistics are consistent regardless of the gender of the parents.

- Children with one parent tend to do better if the parent is male as opposed to female (perhaps because it is rarer, and such fathers have gone to enormous lengths to wind up in that spot - courts tend to routinely give the kid to women - and may be more motivated because of that.)

I know exactly how you feel!

I was very much the same way during my sentence in gender jail.  I was not a "normal" father to my kids either.  I was supportive, emotional and loving, not a stoic hard guy (I didn't have it in me anyway).  And while it gave me a lot of satisfaction in raising my children, it did nothing to make me happy being a guy.

And in the end, it really doesn't matter what the gender mix is in a family.  As long as there is love and support from both parents then there is much less turmoil.

And I feel that children don't really care if "daddy becomes a girl" as long as it is something that is presented openly, honestly and is supported by both partners.

My daughters were adult when I transitioned but they really just wanted me to be happy and they support me 100%.  I am truly blessed.

My oldest granddaughter is getting old enough to start to wonder why she has so many grandmothers.    She has asked some questions about pictures of that man who held her as an infant, but she accepts the answers at face value.  I am her grandma Sandy and she loves me regardless.

-Sandy

I think I know what you mean, Buckeye.  When people would say something about me being a man I would always demur, not sure how to respond.

I did all right pretending to be a man.  I was successful and people liked me.  I even liked myself pretty well.  But now that I have stopped pretending to be a man and am just a woman, people still like me and I like myself even more.  Just because you can manage to act the role doesn't mean it is you.  And in my experience, even though you get really good at pretending, it will only get harder as you get older.

- Kate

My son knows that I'm his father and that I love and support him. My wife knows that I love her and would never do anything to hurt her. They both know that I am transgender and they support and accept me this way. Men show their affection and love in many different ways. It varies in different cultures also. Whether I'm dressed or not I'm the same person.

Gennee

Thats really sweet. In a way, I'm glad you were presented as a man in that point in time.