I suddenly have this depressed feeling. I feel terribly unsure of myself now that I've told her.

I sent a message to my sister where I basically came out to her. I feel like now that she knows, things have the possibility to turn to ->-bleeped-<-. Not because she won't accept me, but because what if this really isn't what I want? What if I decide not to transition and remain just a masculine female? It hurts me to think that I'd stay that, but then I try to think of transitioning to male and it doesn't sit right.

I want to be male, but it's hard to see what I'd become. I don't want to be female, it just is not my future image in the slightest. Even a masculine female. I cannot see myself, old and gray, as a woman.

Help? I feel so lost... 

Has anyone else felt this way?

Not being blase but think its a case of join the club on that one. I know i sit there now almost everyone knows and think ok what if i'm wrong and i'm not gonna do this? Then like you i thi nk of growing old as a woman or even being buried as a woman and its like "hell no!" Don't think we can ever be 100% sure that we're doing the right thing-its human nature to doubt ourselves but my wife had a good answer for me one day when i asked her if i was doing what was right. She said she's never doubted that she's female its just something that is; so when i look in the mirror and think there's something wrong with my reflection it s probably because there is

thank god i'm not the only one going back and forth about all of this. i haven't come out to anyone in my family (except my partner) and while i'm pretty certain that transitioning is something that's going to happen eventually, i don't know how to talk to my parents and some other family about it. because i can't really start transition right away, i'll have to have this sort of 'well, this is how i feel but it might been a long time before anything changes' type of conversation. which then leads to me wondering if it's worth all of the trouble in the first place. except, like you said, i simply cannot see myself as a little old lady. more like a little old man. although i would like to transition before i get a whole lot older.

in short, you're not alone. like alex said, if you're doubting your birth gender, it's because something doesn't match up for you. i feel the same way. hang in there.

My doubts are different but I can sympathize. I do not doubt about transition being the right choice but whether I can survive and do it successfully. Then I wonder if it would have been better to die after all.

try to picture your future, what do you want to be, how do you see yourself? what will you be doing (beyond body)
This is a question only you can answer but you need to find the right one. Follow it until you see yourself.

I, too, didn't want to bother with transition if it meant I'd just be a masculine looking female.  Once you're on T, you will look male!  Everybody's timetable is different, but no one would ever call me F.

Hang in there.


Jay

You're not alone. I was a bit unsure about the changes i would need to make (though i wasn't unsure that i was a man - i'm still sure that i am... did that make sense??)

My therapist told me to try to picture myself in the future and make a detailed "report" on what i saw over the next week. Try to picture myself - what role i would have and such. What i would look like (though it's hard to picture ones self physically as it's all a crapshoot), what i would wear, what i would be doing. The way she said it - "would you rather be the one on the back of a motorcycle or the one driving it?"

I was thinking - "uhm... wouldn't mind either, actually, though i've been DYING to take the course at my local college that teaches you to drive one!"

Problem is, we create our own roles and there is no such thing as "male role" versus "female role." Times have changed SO MUCH and anyone can have any role. I mean, come on - my UNCLE is a stay at home dad while my AUNT works and brings in the money! You can be or do anything you want.

It was a parting shot or i would have told her all of that last session lol.

Picturing what you want to do can help, though. I mean, i certainly don't see myself as the "stay at home wife" or "stay at home woman." I can't picture it. I plan to be active in a career and actively working to educate the public in regards to dogs (rescue work and such.) I would have my days off, yes, but i wouldn't like staying home and doing housework.

I do not see me doing any of those things as a woman, either - no skirts for me, thank you very much! Nothing feminine either. I also don't see me doing any of those things unable to say for sure that "i'm a man" or "i'm a woman" - i just don't see myself as being as androgynous.

So that's my answer for my therapist in a nutshell.

It's normal to go through periods of doubt. Do you have a therapist yet? That may help a bit. There are also many ways to transition - slowly, quickly, certain things but not others.... I plan to take the hormones, do all the legal stuff that i can to change name and gender marker, and at some point i want to remove the chesticles.

YOU don't have to transition at the same time or in the same way as ME (or anyone else.)

I think its natural to "doubt yourself" as soon as you come out to someone, because it locks you into transitioning, because they know and will know now if you decide not to go through with it. I don't think you are doubting if you want to transition i think you are afraid of the ultimatum it kind of puts on you. Don't worry dude, it'll pass.

Thank you guys for all your input, it really has set me at ease.

Carson, your comment was especially helpful because I think it was dead on. That's how I felt about coming out to my sister because she is part of my family.

I know how you feel, thats exactly what happened to me but then I realized that no matter how many people know and no matter how "locked in I feel", as soon as I stop stressing about the "well now I have to do it" feelings, I still WANT and NEED to do it.

I definitely agree with Carson's sentiment...I had that feeling every time I came out to someone, when I signed my new name on something, when I took a job in my new name (new job as Chris this week btw--WOO!). When I got my first T shot, I sat there staring in the mirror saying, this is it, there isn't any going back after this...took me about a half hour to do it.

Sometimes you will have "what if" thoughts. I do and probably always will. There's some parts of my life coming up that I have no idea how to function in (like picking up girls, lol)...but I know that I have tried the girl route and it just wasn't right at all.

I waffled for years because (for various reasons) I was afraid to make an active decision. It nearly killed me. Literally. You don't have to be sure right now, but please don't go into passive mode. Make active choices to do whatever you need to do: research, therapy, active rumination, etc.

And don't feel that just because you've told someone, you have to transition. You only have to fulfill YOUR expectations. And if you ultimately decide that transition isn't right for you or that partial transition is what you really want or that delaying is the best thing to do, don't let other people's perceptions and expectations dissuade you.

You are the one who has to live your life and be happy in your body and your gender. You come first.

That's my perspective, anyway.

Before I realized that transitioning was an option I had this personal vision of what I would be like if I were a man.  I was tall and handsome, brave and noble - and of course, hung like a horse.     Once transition was a real possibility, I had to re-envision myself as a transman. I had to come to terms with the idea of being just the way I am, but male: short, shy, average-looking , and hung like a house cat.  No matter how much I might like to flatter myself by thinking, "I'm just a regular guy," the fact is that there are critical differences.  I had to decide whether or not it was worth it to upset my family and make such huge waves in my life when I would never have a proper boyhood, would never have an intimate relationship with someone without having to explain my anatomical differences, (very likely would never have a relationship with anyone ever again), would forever bear the scars (both physical and mental) to attest to the time I spent as a woman.  Ultimately I decided it was worth it.  For me, personally.  But it wasn't a decision that came all at once.  I found that, even after making the decision to transition I had to live with the idea for a few months before I was ready to go through with it. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, doubts are perfectly natural.  Every major decision has potential repercussions, both good and bad.  The question is, does the good outweigh the bad? 

Quote from: Jamie-o on February 14, 2010, 02:27:31 AM
I guess what I'm trying to say is, doubts are perfectly natural.  Every major decision has potential repercussions, both good and bad.  The question is, does the good outweigh the bad?

Not the OP, but I have to thank you for your post. It helped me a bit.

Quotemale: short, shy, average-looking , and hung like a house cat

I laughed but, sadly, how true for me too.

Quote from: Jamie-o on February 14, 2010, 02:27:31 AM
Before I realized that transitioning was an option I had this personal vision of what I would be like if I were a man.  I was tall and handsome, brave and noble - and of course, hung like a horse.     

you mean that doesn't come automatically with transition? Darn

Quote from: alex k on February 14, 2010, 05:18:35 AM
you mean that doesn't come automatically with transition? Darn

Ye it shattered all my dreams, sigh

Quote from: LordKAT on February 14, 2010, 04:39:15 AM
I laughed but, sadly, how true for me too.

I hope you both take this with the sincerity with which it's intended, but get over yourselves.

Boys have been worrying about their appearence and especially their organs since time began. But that doesn't matter one jot.

What does is a thoughtful and considerate attitude, being clean, self respect and having some pride in yourself.

Whoever you're with, wants someone who will pay them some attention, not some self conscious egotists worrying about themselves, looking for worship.

As the saying goes, it ain't wat you got, it's wat you do with it.

Wish that were true spacial, but its just words.

Sorry, but no it isn't.

You're feeling low right now. But when you come out of that funk, you can remember to be proud of yourself.

You know, in many cultures, men don't even start thinking about permanent relationships till they are in their late 20s.

The world expects a lot from you. It takes a lot of work to deliver.

Other animals which have a similar social structure to humans, most males don't get their chance till they are much older, relatively. It's the top dogs that get the bitches. And the Bitches are not interested in anything but the best.

You have to work at that. Until then, like all men, you will just need to find other ways to relieve your lonileness and frustrations.