I think on her wedding day, the bride has more important things to worry about than what one person is wearing.  Usually during a wedding, (or at least all the weddings I've attended) you can't keep your eyes off the bride and groom.  If the guests can't keep their eyes off of Damien, that's their problem. 

Quote from: LucienOctopus on June 21, 2010, 03:25:57 PM
I think on her wedding day, the bride has more important things to worry about than what one person is wearing.

So the last wedding I was invited to (200+), I decided to skip the ceremony and just go to the reception. I figured the same thing; how would they even know? Do you think the bride let it slide? Noooope. How the heck did she know I was wasn't at the ceremony?? It's a keen 'marriage day' sense or something, idk!!!

Edit: Doesn't anyone here watch Bridezilla?

Just thought of something. Have you considered calling or contacting your cousin and asking her what she might think about it? Explaining to her your dilemma?

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 21, 2010, 06:14:19 PM
IMO, Damien would look f**king stupid dressed at a woman and would cause more of a furor in a dress than a suit.

I agree.  I think it would be ridiculous for them to demand that you wear a dress when you are clearly a man.  The outfit you've described is far from distracting or inappropriate, so I say go for it. 

On a side note, I've been to a few weddings in the last few years, and I didn't wear a dress to any of them.  I'm not even out, but I hate dresses and everybody knows it.  Nobody has had a problem with me wearing clothes similar to the ones you've described, so I really don't think it ought to cause any huge drama or detract from the bride's special day in any way.

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 20, 2010, 04:44:18 AM
Which is bigotry and hetero privileged.

If said person always wears spiked/coloured hair, then asking them not to is a bit off - likewise if they always dress in a non-conventional way. Noisy shoes, however, are just irritating.

You might as well say "You shouldn't go to a wedding unless you are white. If you're black, you should whiten your skin and pretend to be white - otherwise don't come and be black."

I am not disagreeing with you on this one, although you seem to think I am. I'm not saying that it's right to expect someone to deny themselves in order to "be eligible" to attend some family occasion. My original point was that it's not something as specific as cis-privilege: it is the split between being the inviter and the invited at such occasions. To a greater or lesser degree, being a guest (i.e. accepting an invitation) imposes certain conditions. At a wedding, one of those conditions is generally that one plays second fiddle to the bride and groom - it's their day, after all.

Do I think my gay friend should be able to bring his partner to his cousin's wedding this year? Damn right I do. Do I think it was appropriate for a transman friend of mine (who presents as a woman but who would never wear a dress) to turn up at a formal wedding last year, impeccably turned out in three-piece pinstriped suit, cuff-links, tie-pin, slicked back hair, the works? You bet I do. The difference between the two occasions is that in the first, the whole family would probably have a fit of mass hysteria (he comes from a strongly Catholic country) and in the second, the bride and groom and their families were loving, non-bigoted people. (White bride, black groom, for the record.)

Personally, I think weddings are a huge waste of resources but if couples insist on them it behoves their guests to help make their day a good one. There's a time and a place for everything.

Quote from: minniemouse on June 21, 2010, 11:44:38 PM
There's a time and a place for everything.

Yeah. And it's the time and place for me to be myself.  I'm not calling and asking if I can wear a button up shirt and a pair of black pants.. that would be ridiculous.  If you want to be in the closet with your family go ahead but I'm not living in one anymore, and I think making a big deal about it with a simpering "Can I come to your wedding even though I'm not going to look like a girl?" phone call would be much much worse, not to mention slightly pathetic. I'm going as myself, and I'll let you guys know how it turns out. Wedding's Saturday.

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Post Merge: June 22, 2010, 12:15:40 AM

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By the way, it's not a "personal odyssey". It's how I live every single day of my life.

Quote from: blackMamba on June 18, 2010, 10:47:22 PM
I agree with those guys.  Dress pants, button down shirt, loafers, and I'd skip the necktie.  You would look hot.  I bet you won't be the only guy wearing this type of outfit, lots don't wear suits to weddings. 

Absolutlely agree, infact my own wedding in August I must take note of what typical guys are wearing, just go for pants and button down shirt, most people won't even notice, infact all attention will be on the blushing bride.
p

I do not see how Damian would be making a "spectacle" of himself, or how it would be a personal odyssey of his, either.  Why is it that all of a sudden, a trans person dressing the way they do every day and identifying as the gender they identity with is wrong, unusual, and should be repressed?  How is it an odyssey of any sort, if he's just being himself?  He's not trying to draw attention to himself, or challenge people, he's merely going as himself, and what he's wearing sounds respectful and modest.

Also, completely against not allowing gay couples to go to weddings, either.  That is not anymore acceptable than, as it was said, disallowing black people.

Quote from: V on June 23, 2010, 07:06:32 PM
I do not see how Damian would be making a "spectacle" of himself, or how it would be a personal odyssey of his, either.  Why is it that all of a sudden, a trans person dressing the way they do every day and identifying as the gender they identity with is wrong, unusual, and should be repressed?  How is it an odyssey of any sort, if he's just being himself?  He's not trying to draw attention to himself, or challenge people, he's merely going as himself, and what he's wearing sounds respectful and modest.

Also, completely against not allowing gay couples to go to weddings, either.  That is not anymore acceptable than, as it was said, disallowing black people.

I agree and was sort of surprised by how many people expressed transphobia in this thread. Fellow ->-bleeped-<-s telling me to hide in the closet? What the heck??

Hi Damien,
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Sorry, but I think it's a mischaracterization to call most of those comments transphobic.
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It wasn't particularly clear at the outset how 'out' you are exactly to the family.  People were concerned that perhaps you either weren't out, or that you were only out as gay....with your family having no knowledge of you being trans...and it coming as a big surprise at the wedding. 
A lack of knowledge of the situation can cause some misunderstandings.
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The concern was about showing respect to the people that invited you.  About not distracting from their day with a big reveal that they and your other relatives would be blindsided by.  I personally don't think you should go as anything but yourself.  But if this was the first time they were all finding out about it...in deference to the marrying couple...overshadowing their happy day with your news would not be appropriate or polite to the courteous invitation they extended to you. (This is generally expected of any big news...not just being trans.  Basic rule of thumb:  Don't steal their thunder.  It's considered very rude.)
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I have a similar situation coming up next year.  I was invited to not only be at my cousin's wedding, but she wanted me to be the photographer for the event too.  She doesn't know I'm trans. She doesn't know that I'm on hormones.  A year from now, people are going to notice the changes...it can't be helped.  I'll probably be out by then too.  I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't do it for her, because it would have been very disruptive to her wedding.  People should be focusing on the married couple...not rubbernecking at the photographer and whispering among themselves about something they find surprising/shocking.  Even though I wanted to help her out, it would have been very rude of me to accept her request knowing what's coming next year.  Showing up with a "Surprise! This is me.  BTW how do you like my new dress? Let's take some pictures!" situation, would have been terribly inconsiderate of me.
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If I'm out by then, and I probably will be...and my cousin wants to invite the *real* me that she doesn't know yet...then I'll come to the wedding.  Right now, she only invited the empty shell of a man that she knows.  If I'm out...and I  can't go as me though...then I won't go at all.  It's her day...her invitation...her decision on who comes and who doesn't.  It's her party, and as the hostess...regardless of whether I like or agree with her decision...she deserves at least that much respect.
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Someday I won't have to make fake excuses.  Someday, I'll be able to be myself 24/7, and people will know me for me, and invite the woman they expect to come.  Someday showing up in a dress won't be shocking to my relatives.  Yes, I deserve to be shown respect for who I am.  But respect is a two way street.  And next year, I will have to respect her decision, just as she will have to knowingly respect who I am if she wants me there.
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Honestly, it sounds like it shouldn't be much of an issue for you at the wedding anyway.  Even if you weren't completely out as a man, and were only out to your relatives as a 'butch lesbian', going in a suit isn't much of a stretch in the realm of acceptability.  (Heck, my coworker wore a suit to her own wedding.)  Me going in a dress if people thought I was gay would be another matter completely though.    As long as respect and consideration is being shown both ways, there shouldn't be a problem.
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Anyway, I hope you enjoy the wedding,
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Kay