Do we tend to find that more often than not, people choose to leave their sweetheart instead of sticking by and supporting them?

What experience have you had with this?

My spouse is staying so far. (but ze is transgender also)

My SO says the HRT changes (voice, facial hair, etc.) do not matter and he respects my body-insecurities. So if it falls apart, I think it will be for different reasons.

My wife decided she could not handle living with a woman. She was in love with Nicholas, and did not feel like she loved Nicole. She felt real guilty that she was unable to offer the support I needed.

We were great for about 2 months there after seperation. But it has all kind of gone pear shaped. And I am not sure why. Every time we speak she seems angrier and angrier. Today she asked for her house key back when previously we agreed it would be handy if we both had a copy of our house keys.

My SO loves me for who I am.. it's about the contents, not the packaging, for him.
So..

So far so good...

My most recent and possibly last girlfriend left me a couple of years ago because it was all a bit much for her

She was somewhat nice about it though... She actually took the time to sort through her clothes and make up to decide what would look good on me and gave me a bunch of great stuff

Then she was gone and I've never seen her again

My girlfriend has been more than supportive, she practically forced me to go to therapy and stop putting it off lol.  Everything is great for right now, but after the transitioning, I dont know where we will go from there.  She is not a straight girl and doesn't like men, but she likes me, and I hope that will not change.

I was single when I started transitioning but the first girl I dated after I started transition was extremely supportive of me. So supportive, she didn't even acknowledge I was trans unless I brought it up I hope I can find another like that, it may be hard but I have hope.

Like Cynthia both I and my partner are also SO's.

As we didn't meet until we were both long term done and dusted you may think it doesn't count though.

I do not totally agree. Having been through transition and SRS, particularly if like my partner Alison, who is older than me, you didn't start until you were a little older, can still leave certain emotional scars. So just occasionally one or other of us will find ourselves also acting as unpaid support group.

I am an SO, and hope to be so until the very end 

You mean, are SOs who stay a rare breed? Quite possibly, but I just think that most SOs in that category have more protean sexuality than the strict gay/straight binary that a lot of now-absent SOs seem to have. Only anecdotal evidence to back me up (on Susan's and my own life), but it's quite a few anecdotes that SEEM to add up.

My ex was completely straight, no middle ground.

He claimed that if our relationship had been stronger when I transitioned--and it was clearly MY fault that it wasn't--then he might have been able to ride out my transition and stay with me.

I take plenty of responsibility for the increasing weakness of our relationship, but it was a two-way street; and I think his explanation of why he didn't stay with me is a load of crap. When I look back on the strongest years of our relationship, I can clearly see that he completely shut down whenever I "actively" tried to pass, whereas he was okay when people simply "mistook" me for a man. The former turned him into a stiff, uncommunicative little zombie, and the latter was all a big private joke that he could laugh off, presumably because he "knew" the "truth."

In my circle of in-person acquaintances, I can immediately come up with five relationships that have survived transition so far. In two, the SO is bi, and both relationships have survived complete transition (as far as either trans person has wished to go) and have been going strong years and years.

In another, the SO still calls herself a lesbian but seems completely committed to her trans man. He hasn't had top or bottom surgery, but I have little doubt that they will stay together. They've been together for at least five years, and they love each other like crazy.

In another, I don't know the orientation of the SO. Her trans partner is on hormones but hasn't had top or bottom surgery. I have to say that it's a very disturbing relationship. The SO is overbearing and even somewhat abusive. Some of us wonder if the trans person stays in the relationship out of fear of being alone and the non-trans partner stays because she likes to control and dominate. It's not a mutual b&d scenario. And, of course, there's no telling what will happen when the trans partner does have surgery.

A fifth relationship required no sexuality shift for the SO. She was straight, she saw her partner as a man, and they got together while he was still pre-transition. He finally had top surgery recently. I gather from conversations with the SO that negotiating her partner's presurgical chest required a great deal of work and negotiation, so I imagine they are both much happier now.

I guess that's kind of a mixed bag, isn't it? But I wouldn't be surprised to find out that more than fifty percent of the "staying" SOs are bi or pan.

Then there's the other side of the coin. Some trans people leave their SOs because of transition. I can honestly say that if my ex hadn't broken up with me when he did, it's quite possible that I would have broken up with him not long after--in perhaps a year or two. You see, I wanted to be with a gay man, and he made it quite clear that he wanted nothing to do with that kind of world.

Somewhere I saw a reference to a study about SOs, but I never followed up on it. I don't remember if it was FTM or MTF relationships, but I think the former. There could be several studies out there by now. It would be interesting to see whether bi/pansexuality plays a major role in most such relationships.

Sevan and I are both pansexual.

In my case, and possibly a few others, I have compromised with my wife.

My relationship with her is too important to lose. I am not a sociable person. I don't have any friends. I make them occasionally but these never last.

I see marriage as being about compromise. I have given up so much for my wife. I am ready to give up life itself if necessary.

I want to add a point here, lest any feel I am being judgemental or pontificating. For many, this has not been the case.

Marriage is a strange beast. There are no rules. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. The needs of the people involved are the guidelines of any marriage.

My relationship has become so strong simply because my needs, that I get from my marriage, are greater than those aspects which I have sacrificed.

But there are limits to the sacrifices that any of us are prepared to make. When two people, for whatever list of reasons, and I really believe there will be many reasons for a marriage breaking down, decide they can't continue together, then hopefully they can go their separate ways with mutual respect.

THey arent a rare breed. it's all up in the air. In my case, I was the SO and got dumped so he could date around lol. I reminded him too much of his past.

Quote from: kisschittybangbang on July 31, 2010, 12:17:55 AM
THey arent a rare breed. it's all up in the air. In my case, I was the SO and got dumped so he could date around lol. I reminded him too much of his past.

My sympathies, that's unfortunate. You seem really considerate/nice from your posts.

My wife knew before we were married and we had been out as girlfriends before marriage. She wanted children as did I. When we found out I was sterile and it was the days pre-IVF, our sexual relationship slowly stopped. But we are still a strong couple living in probably a unique circumstance as my wife is now severely disabled following an accident and has to live in high dependency care. But it is our 28th wedding anniversary next Saturday.

Cindy

Quote from: Silver on July 31, 2010, 12:24:16 AM
My sympathies, that's unfortunate. You seem really considerate/nice from your posts.

Silver you're sweet. ^w^ Its ancient history. No big deal. Just making a point of saying, just like all big changes in life, it's not "rare breeds" or anything. It's all based on people as individuals


@Cindy: <3 You're awesome. Congrats on 28 years

I wouldn't say "SO's" are a 'rare breed'.  I have seen in the last 6 or 7 years that SO's are "in the closet". 

Some Significant Others choose to leave, others choose to stay.  Neither choice should be judged.  If your partner comes out to you as a different gender, and plans to transition,  that can throw your own personal sexuality into a tizzy. 

Gender isn't a sexuality, thats clear. But YOUR gender in relation to your significant other's gender, IS a sexuality.  Some are straight, gay, bi, pan etc.   If your partners sexuality doesn't "fall in line" with your gender, issues obviously arise.

Thats just one reason that some SO's may choose to leave.  As someone else said before, Compromise is important in any relationship.

In the last year I have separated from a transgendered spouse, but it had -nothing- to do with her gender.

in other news, I'm delighted to see this board is still active

I've lost three very special people to me in the past because of this, however we are all still very good friends. I would love to find a woman who has no problems with my situation. Problem is I seem to attract men a lot more now than I used to, which really doesn't work for me. I still love women. I am a very social person so I guess patience will resolve this, eventually.

First of all, since this is my first post in this forum, hello everyone, and I'll give a little background on myself:

I'm a young pansexual female learning in baby steps how to support my FtM partner (soon to be Evan), who I've known for 3 years and been with for a little over a year. He has not begun hormone therapy or had any procedures yet; he has been under his parents' roof until he went to college recently, and his parents don't know that he is transgendered.

To further explain myself, and respond to the topic of this thread:

I think that being pansexual helps for me to just see this person as my partner, regardless of gender. I understand how it would be difficult for someone who was strictly straight or strictly gay/lesbian to embrace their partner's gender identity when it was revealed. I consider pansexuality to be a huge blessing, and if there's such a thing as fate, I believe I was fated to have this sexual orientation so that I coud accept my soulmate no matter his biological vs. mental gender conflict.

On another note I believe that if Evan and I were not so close and compatable, that it would be EXTREMELY difficult for us to stay together due to his transsexuality. Not because I can't accept him, but because this is a complex matter and it requires the trans person to be self-centered to some degree while he or she is working to synchronize their inner and outer selves. Communication is a huge key, and will continue to be the further he gets into his transition.

I will never pretend that I can understand what it's like for a transgendered individual. But despite that, or maybe because of it, Evan and I talk frequently about the matter, about what's going on in his head and mine. He often has a lot of venting to do, and I ask questions to try to understand -- one great thing about this is how many new things I learn every day!




We've barely scratched the surface, but I'd like to think we're laying a good foundation to keep the relationship alive and well during his transition. I think SO's are a rare breed because it's immensely difficult at times, and unless they know without a doubt that they are meant to be with this person, it may not be worth it in their mind. It's a very delicate issue. I feel like I was born to interact with the transgendered community, blessed with pansexual blinders that, for me, erase societal preconceptions of gender. <3