Quote from: Iceprincess on October 01, 2010, 12:10:26 AM
Ok, I admit I went over the edge with the suicidal comment... so forget that xD

But yeah, that's what's going on atm...

I know just how you feel only I didn't know I was trans until I was 18 and now at 19 I wish I had known at your age.My therapist told me he was going to give me a letter and I went and got my blood tested and everything but it hasn't happened yet so I kind of feel like you if I'm not on hormones by twenty I don't know what I'll do.

I already wrote the possible letter for my dad, I'll ask a few friends to take a look at it, give me their feedback and see if it needs any modification. I'll also post it here (I have to translate it from Spanish to English >_<), but you people have to give me some time ok?

EDIT: This is the letter I'm planning to send him, take a look at it (warning: it's too long), any feedback is welcome, as well as any suggestion to it...

QuoteHello Dad!

How's everything going over there? I hope you're doing really great today.

Do you remember the e-mail that I sent you a few days ago regarding something I wanted to tell you? You asked me to tell you over the phone, however, I simply couldn't. I hope that once you finish reading this letter, you can understand why.

First than nothing, I want to thank you, for all the help you have provided me with. Thanks to you I finished high school with high grades, I can study college and mandarin Chinese. Thanks to you I have been able to grow as a person, and I have the courage and bravery to face the world.

I also want to thank you for having the courage to introduce me to your wife as YOUR child, that requires a LOT of bravery and you have my respect and admiration, not just for that, but for being the man you are and for what you have done in your life. For me, you are a great man, a role model, and the best of it: my father. I'm very proud of you and, everyday I thank god for giving me the chance of being a member of your family, and for having such a great person on my side.

I also want to thank your family, your wife and her children, for welcoming me to their family with their arms wide open. I love you all so much, to the point I dare to say that all of them ARE part of my family. I love them a lot, seriously, thank you for all that.

Listen, what I'm about to tell you right now is very tough. Before continuing, I need you to relax and calm down. If at this very moment you're tense, angry or stressed because of your job or other issue, I ask you please to read this later.

I know you're a very smart and mature person, so I ask you please to take it seriously and with calm. Take your time.

Dad... I want to be a girl.

What you're feeling right now might be pretty much what I'm feeling at this moment as well: fear, shock, and frustration among other mixed feelings.

If you don't want to keep reading this, I'll understand it but please, I beg you to continue, because ignoring it just won't make it go away.

You might be doing yourself a lot of questions, among them: Why does my son wants to do this?

Emotionally: Because this is who I am, and how I'm always going to be for the rest of my life until the day I die. This is how I've felt since I was 4 or less. If I never dared to tell you this before, it was because of fear, fear as to what could the future bring for me, fear to lose you, my mom and everyone I love, fear to uncertainty.

I decided, instead, to build the foundations of my future and move on with life, hoping that one day things would fix by themselves, however, that day never came. I've realized that I am who has to execute the actions in order to achieve my goals in life.

One of the memories I have about this is when I was 11 years old, you, my mom and me went to a restaurant, 1 month before graduating from elementary school. I remember that we were in your car, I was at the back seat and I was going to make you a question, all of a sudden, something stopped me from doing so. That question was: "The day I marry, would you take me to the shrine?" Another memory I have is when you took me to see the exotic motorbikes in Puerta de Hierro, I was going to tell you everything, but I didn't dare to, again, because of fear.

You know very well that I'm a very smart person. Since I was a kid, I saw all of the crude realities and atrocities of our society, specifically, how they treat people that are "different". I've seen how they treat them, reject them, avoid them and laugh at them without ANY valid reason. Hating just for hating. Human nature? Possibly... Justified? In no way. That's why I decided to not open my mouth on that, and many other things I've felt in the past, because of fear, because you have no idea how much I love you and how much I'm afraid of losing you and my mother.

No, I am NOT gay. There is a huge difference between sexual preference and gender identity.

Everything I'm talking about in this letter is about my gender identity and how I feel. Since I remember I feel like this, and the desperation for fixing this damage is too big to describe it. I need to leave something very clear: I am not a guy with a mental problem, I am a girl with a physical one.

During all these years, I've proven you that I am a very capable person: someone who is smart, clever and who has enough mental strength to do anything if there's enough will. Listen dad: I have a lot of aspirations in this life. I want to get my bachelor's degree, and maybe a Ph. D, I want to learn Chinese and German, I want to leave something good to mankind, I want to be part of the huge social movements that are coming in the next years but, I just feel that if I don't do something to ix this problem I'm telling you, I'll never achieve it. Because it's consuming me inside, it's killing my soul slowly and painfully.

Maybe you have heard of the term "Transsexuality", in general, it touches this theme, however, I despise this term, because it has NOTHING to do with sex.

There are millions of people like me in the world, and no, not only the people who work as prostitutes or pornographic actresses (and if they ended like this, it was possibly because they never got moral and/or financial support from their families). Many of them live respectful lives, and they just try to move on with their life and be happy. It's very possible that you've seen a very gorgeous, young and petite girl walking down the street, and that she may have passed through the same situation I am passing through at this moment.

These people dedicate their lives to a lot of legal activities: business people, models, engineers, politicians, fashion designers, scientists, police officers, etc. The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, our society is afraid of the unknown, to changes, and because of that, they've done atrocious things in the past in order to defend their interests.

I want to tell you that this is NOT your or my mom's fault, you guys raised me well enough to help me become a strong and useful member of society. This is not a way of getting your attention, or a stage, and it's not happening because you weren't by my side. I don't know why things didn't work between you and my mom, but I've learned that this is the way relationships work, and that you've got to find a person who can love you for who you are. Maybe you had another reasons, and for me, they're valid. You know why you did it and you don't have to justify them to no one, because it's YOUR life, not my mom's, not mine, not your wife's, not your children's; and if that made you happy, then that's more than enough for me. I've always kept you in my heart, everything I do is dedicate it to you, my mother and my loved ones.

I want you to understand that, but also, nothing you or my mom would have done with me, would ever change what I think and feel regarding my identity and my body.

This is something I must do father, I need to do it for my own good, for my mental and spiritual health. It's going to be a very difficult road for me, but I am going to do it, with or without the support from my loved ones, and I am NOT letting ANYONE gets in my way, because this is my life, this is what I must do if I want to become a functional member of society, I need to be ME.

There aren't many scientific explanations regarding to this phenomenon, there's still a lot of debate about its origin. One of the theories says that when the fetus is being developed in the mother's womb, we're bombarded with hormones of the sex and gender we are supposed to have, which should match. As we've learned during the last years, nature makes mistakes; it is not perfect (for example, cancer, which is caused because of a misinterpretation of the DNA sequence it's supposed to replicate, as well as other malformations and disorders such as down syndrome and Alzheimer, just to mention a few), because of environmental or genetic reasons, the brain does not receive the hormones it needs to match the body, therefore, you get a body with a certain sex, but with a brain that does not matches it: a brain with the opposite sex. As I said, there's still a lot of uncertainty about it among the scientific community and a lot of research has to be done to reach concrete conclusions.

The change process is complicated, it takes a long time and it's expensive. Overall, it starts with a psychological evaluation that lasts at least 3 months (by the way, I've been seeing a therapist since April 2010, without my mother knowledge, paid from my own savings.), once I'm done with that, I can proceed with something known as HRT, which consist on taking WITH STRICT MEDICAL SUPERVISION hormones that will stop the body masculinization process (testosterone blockers), as well as hormones that will start the physical feminization process (estrogens and progesterone, among others). This will be for the rest of my life. After some time, a lot of physical and emotional changes will be noticed, probably quickly.

Note: I must clear that the sooner I start with the changes, the better results I will get, and fortunately, I still have some time left to get good results.

As time passes, I will have to adopt my new and real identity, which means that I will have to start living as a girl. Do not worry: I will not look like Fred Flinstone in a dress. As I said the results are better the sooner I start with this. And finally, the SRS, as well as the needed legal changes to make sure ALL of my legal documentation fits my new identity (birth certificates, ID's, etc).

All this will take a long time, approximately from 3 to 5 years to complete. If everything goes well, I should be done when I turn 24 years old, and then I'll be able to live as a normal girl. I need to do this, and I will do it with or without your help. I'm already 18 years old and I need to take responsibility of my body and my life.

I'm really sorry for hurting you with all of this, but I had to take this pain out of my soul. You must understand that if I didn't mention you anything in the past, it was because I was really scared and I had to secure my personal future. While writing you this letter, I am full of terror, thinking of all the possible scenarios that could follow this letter, to be prepared for the worst. I've learned a lot of myself during the last 6 years of my life, and this is the conclusion I've reached: either I do this, or let my life to go downhill until everything gets out of control and I end up hurting myself.

Take your time please, I am willing to answer any question you have regarding this issue, but I beg you please: be patient, do not reaction immediately, think about things carefully and calm down before replying to me.

Thank you for listening to me.

With love...

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bump n_n

BTW,
Regarding hormones. There is a new movement called, "informed consent". It basically allows the patient to make mature decisions for themselves once they have all the facts about HRT.

Here in Chicago, the Howard Brown Center has a program that fast tracks the gatekeeper function, and provides doctors to monitor your blood work.

Let's rewind history a bit. Can you imagine needing to see a therapist for months or years in order to go on birth control? As long as you are self identified female, no one should have the right to tell you how to live your life nor prevent you from needed medical care. I think therapy is wonderful to deal with issues like telling your family, or overcoming their loss or hostility. However, therapy should not trump or delay important medical intervention.

That's my two cents. Congrats on your coming out and doing what you need to do for yourself. 

I think your letter is just fine.

It says everything you want and has a lot of detail. It is also reassuring and positive.

You know your dad, of course so you know what he will read.

Really wishing you all the best.

Hi,
I am a 64 year old MTF transgender, and really can't tell any one what to do.  What I do know that things do not get better with time.   The longer yu wait the more legal papers and transcripts pile up with yur male identity, job references view yu as male,  long term emotional friendship relationships become more complicated and there are more people to consider.  Brothers, sisters, cousins, etc grow up and have spouses and children who see yu as a male.  Yu build employment experience as a male, and how do yu write up yur resume.  Being born in the 1940s most of my choices were made for me because social pressure was enormous and I was just a small town country kid.   Just do what yu need to do for yurself.   But remember life gets more complex as  yu get older and change never becomes easier.

Iceprincess,

your letter moved me to tears because I too haven't come out to my dad yet and doing so would mean so much to me.

I think your letter is written well, assertive and considerate.
Don't try to rewrite things and polish it too much or it could lose its spontaneous quality.

I wish you courage and luck <3

Quote from: michelle on October 03, 2010, 08:21:58 PM
Hi,
I am a 64 year old MTF transgender, and really can't tell any one what to do.  What I do know that things do not get better with time.   The longer yu wait the more legal papers and transcripts pile up with yur male identity, job references view yu as male,  long term emotional friendship relationships become more complicated and there are more people to consider.  Brothers, sisters, cousins, etc grow up and have spouses and children who see yu as a male.  Yu build employment experience as a male, and how do yu write up yur resume.  Being born in the 1940s most of my choices were made for me because social pressure was enormous and I was just a small town country kid.   Just do what yu need to do for yurself.   But remember life gets more complex as  yu get older and change never becomes easier.

Have to agree. The most complicated hurdle/barrier for me is the relationships I have. There aren't that many, they took so long to develop. Besides, even if I were confident enough to start again, I'd prefer to die than hurt any of those people.

That isn't to say that older people shouldn't change, each of us must take our own decisions.

I've made some final adjustments to the mail, my precalc teacher helped me with it.

I'm sending it this Wednesday at 5:30pm (GMT -6). Wish me luck! x.x

good luck hon!

Quote from: Iceprincess on October 04, 2010, 07:58:36 PM
I've made some final adjustments to the mail, my precalc teacher helped me with it.

I'm sending it this Wednesday at 5:30pm (GMT -6). Wish me luck! x.x

We're rooting for you.

However this turns out, you've done the right thing here. That can only be positive.

Iceprincess.   nice long letter but!  can you change the paragraph that starts 'The change process is complicated to read I have to not YOU have to? 
Change all the You's to I's so it reads better and lets him see you are the one making the changes and putting the process into action.

Good luck.

Just one last question... Is my letter expressing enough feelings? Is it emotive enough?

Quote from: Iceprincess on October 05, 2010, 11:09:17 AM
Just one last question... Is my letter expressing enough feelings? Is it emotive enough?

That really depneds upon your relationship with your dad.

But I would say that it is just right.

lovely letter and the ending should show them you care about their feelings.

good luck

Sent already...

Too late for regrets.

I hope everything goes well...

EDIT: I got a call from my dad 3 hours ago...

He wants to talk with me in person but, in short words, he said he's gonna support me!

Quote from: ggina on October 01, 2010, 02:19:21 PM
hmm, maybe they want to take some kind of revenge or something? I know it sounds stupid but if they don't like someone (for whatever reason), the best possible thing to do is to torture them... yeah it seems you have to leave that doc for good.

g

Gina, I agree with you one-hundred percent.  I think that's EXACTLY why they do this.  They think they know more about this condition than we do.  Wrong.  They think they're smarter than we are.  Generally not.  They think we're pathological.  Nope. 

People are people, and even if they have fancy degrees and lots of money, they still have predjudices.  We transpeople often take the brunt of these predjudices.  Sure, they'll treat us, but many of them think we're freaks and weirdos.  Take our money ... and then torture us.  A--holes, IMHO. 

Sometimes, you just have to shop around until you find a therapist who treats you with respect and dignity.  In the end, remember fellow transfolks, YOU ARE THE BOSS!  You give your orders with your payment to them.  The Golden Rule:  She (he) who has the gold makes the rules.  Don't like a therapist.  Can 'em and get one you like.  Yeah, I'm miffed.  Sorry.  I've been treated shabbily by therapists and get upset when I see other people get treated this way by them. 

QuoteI got a call from my dad 3 hours ago...
He wants to talk with me in person but, in short words, he said he's gonna support me!

Iceprincess, that's great!
Jillieann

Quote from: Iceprincess on October 05, 2010, 04:44:38 PM
Sent already...

Too late for regrets.

I hope everything goes well...

EDIT: I got a call from my dad 3 hours ago...

He wants to talk with me in person but, in short words, he said he's gonna support me!

Cool cool cool.  Iceprincess

Quote from: Iceprincess on October 05, 2010, 04:44:38 PM
Sent already...

Too late for regrets.

I hope everything goes well...

EDIT: I got a call from my dad 3 hours ago...

He wants to talk with me in person but, in short words, he said he's gonna support me!

Awesome!   Best news ever ... good for you!