Hi Britney
Sorry to hear that you're feeling like crap.
Things will be better hon, they really gonna be better.
Try to see it the way it is, you are making changes now and you are in the middle of a proces of transition, it's all very confusing, but I think your parents are a part of this transition.'

You need time to become what you've always felt, I think your parents need the time to get used to your female identity.
It's all in the game, you can't be a woman from one day to another and I think they can't switch in a short time to get used to have a daughter now.
But it will be okay, they can't ignore it their whole life.

Once they see how happy you are, they know it was the right decision to do the transition.
Cheer up honey, now you think of being dead and in a few years you will be enjoing life as never before.

And for a beautifull nice woman like you it's possible to have a normal life as you wanted.

Hang on sister, you're not alone, we all love you and support you.

lots of love
annette

Quote from: Morgan on January 13, 2011, 02:59:30 PM
I would like to echo everything everyone has said here so far <3 We love you Britbrit, you're amazing and gorgeous and sweet! You're an inspiration, you truly are. Things will work out eventually, but until then, keep strong, and keep smiling because you have a beautiful smile! I wish I could say more but you get the gist of it from what everyone has said. Yes life is worth it, because life is what you make it!

Here. Have surprised kitty. Girls love kittens, right?  Cheer up

Sorry I missed your post. Thanks Morgan. And thanks for calling me BritBrit! Thats cute!! and yes I love kittens, I hope to own "my own" one day lol! And thank you, you're really cute too Ahh everyone here is making me feel so good about myself. Last night seems like last month by now!

Quote from: rubywendt on January 13, 2011, 07:14:28 PM
Hi Britney,
I'm new here, but I've been around the TG community here in Seattle for about 2 years and have known about my partner for all of our 21 years together. I'm a mom too. Although I am very supportive of my MTF wife, Chelsea, I was not always so. I remember when she used to talk about her feelings of wanting to be a woman, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. I would always listen politely for just a bit and then change the subject. It was a feeling in me that must have been fear, but it made me feel literally kind of sick. You should realize that your parents probably feel something like that themselves when you talk about your transition. It does NOT mean that they don't love you; it means they don't know how to love you very well right now; they are in shock and paralyzed by their fear.

Have you tried giving them the book True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Family, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals? When we came out to our parents, we gave them this book and eventually they actually read it and it helped. Of course, Chelsea's mom read it before her dad, but even her dad read it after a few months. Don't expect them to read it right away, but gently encourage them in order to increase their understanding and lessen their fear.

I understand what you mean when you say it hurts you physically inside and emotionally to hear them use your male name and pronouns. Chelsea experience this as well. I was pretty good about learning to use the correct pronouns, but I was willing and it still took time. She understood, but when I talked about her in the past, I used the male name and pronouns. She explained how much hearing them hurt her, so I even adjusted that. They will be able to make the adjustment eventually. They need to go through a grieving process. Even though they are gaining a daughter, they are losing a son, and they loved that son; some say they just loved the idea of their son, but really it is that and much more. They loved your face, your smell, your voice. All that is changing. Don't be afraid to let them grieve. They might not understand that they are grieving but that is what we experience. It passes. But not without going through the stages of grief including such nasty emotions as denial, anger, and sadness. It seems like they are living in denial right now. Don't get angry at them for their process. That's a lot to ask of yourself. But I know you are a strong and big hearted young woman. I can see it in your eyes. You have courage. You can do this.

I have one more bit of advice, if I may. Your parents are supporting your room and board needs right now, is that true? You don't pay rent or contribute to food? You will find that if you can express your gratitude to them for doing that for you, really and truly, they do not have to and if they did not love you, they wouldn't - then the expression of that gratitude will bring more goodness into your life. The more we focus on the things in our life that we are truly grateful for, the more we attract things into our lives to BE grateful for.

Oh, and work on your legal name change (if you haven't already). If your name is legally Britney, they will take you more seriously. This helped with Chelsea's parents, anyway.

Okay, that's a pretty long post. I hope you don't mind. You have a lot of friends here who love you. I hope you meet some others in the non-virtual world soon. You do truly deserve a wonderful life.
Love,
Ruby

Thanks so much Ruby. I'm wanting to change my name ASAP but I found out from a mutual friend of my therapist, who transitioned a year or so ago, that it could cost up to 700 dollars. Thats a little more than I make in a month. So it'll be a while before I can afford it. And I've been meaning to get some books for them to read, but that takes money too. lol. Thanks again <3

Quote from: AmySmiles on January 13, 2011, 07:17:20 PM
I'm coming into this really late, but I know just how you feel Britney, I really do.  I (thankfully) live apart from my parents, but they're just as unsupportive as yours are.  Based on the reactions I got when I came out to them (when I was going to tell them I was on hormones), I decided to not talk to them about anything transition-related after that first week.  I still visit them, and I would be amazed if they haven't noticed I'm changing, so I guess it's just that giant hot pink elephant in the middle of the room.  But you know what?  You gotta do what you gotta do.  The lack of support gets me really down sometimes, but I'm not living my life for my parents... or anyone else, for that matter.  And you're not either.

It's good that you have support otherwise - if you can keep paying for your transition yourself and they will help with your schooling, you honestly can't get much better than that.  I would certainly appreciate that for what it is and hope they come around eventually.  Hopefully once they see what a happy, beautiful girl you're becoming they will come around.

So, from one who has the same kind of thoughts regularly, *HUG.*  We all need support

Yeah I know I'm so lucky. Its just really hard. They want me to be happy and healthy etc but its like if they really want that for me, then they'd at least try. =/ Good luck <3

Quote from: annette on January 13, 2011, 08:09:58 PM
Hi Britney
Sorry to hear that you're feeling like crap.
Things will be better hon, they really gonna be better.
Try to see it the way it is, you are making changes now and you are in the middle of a proces of transition, it's all very confusing, but I think your parents are a part of this transition.'

You need time to become what you've always felt, I think your parents need the time to get used to your female identity.
It's all in the game, you can't be a woman from one day to another and I think they can't switch in a short time to get used to have a daughter now.
But it will be okay, they can't ignore it their whole life.

Once they see how happy you are, they know it was the right decision to do the transition.
Cheer up honey, now you think of being dead and in a few years you will be enjoing life as never before.

And for a beautifull nice woman like you it's possible to have a normal life as you wanted.

Hang on sister, you're not alone, we all love you and support you.

lots of love
annette

Thanks annette. At first I was like man this post might have been a bad idea, but I'll definitely book mark it so I can come back and get a pick me up anytime I get down. I love everyone here, so grateful for you all.

I am glad to see that you are feeling a bit better today. As everyone above me has already said, keep your chin up. You are beautiful, kind, and have yet to show the world everything you have to offer. It can seem tough for any young person who is stuck at that in between of living with their parents and supporting themselves.

As Suzy said the best thing you can do is make a plan, set a goal for yourself (you seem to be doing that, and succeeding already), educate yourself, and go for it!

I know that you can do anything that you put your mind and heart into. You are such a sweet person, Britney. The world needs more people like you. You sweetness and fun nature shine through to all of us here and I am sure that as you gain the confidence you need you will exude that in every other aspect of your life.

If you need to talk you have my number, you are always welcome to call or text. 

*Hugs*

Jackie

Ps. If I ever make it to CA I will personally deliver you a very large and awkward hug. It's my specialty. 

Oh Britney,
I missed this posting earlier sorry 
Hon I know it's hard when loved ones don't support you.
But look at all of your family here and all of the responses.
Almost 3 pages of postings in a couple of hours.
You see we care for you Britney.
You are special to us girl.
Your our sister and we will help you get through tis down time.
Big Long Bear Hug,
Jillieann

Quote from: Jacquelyn on January 13, 2011, 08:46:48 PM
I am glad to see that you are feeling a bit better today. As everyone above me has already said, keep your chin up. You are beautiful, kind, and have yet to show the world everything you have to offer. It can seem tough for any young person who is stuck at that in between of living with their parents and supporting themselves.

As Suzy said the best thing you can do is make a plan, set a goal for yourself (you seem to be doing that, and succeeding already), educate yourself, and go for it!

I know that you can do anything that you put your mind and heart into. You are such a sweet person, Britney. The world needs more people like you. You sweetness and fun nature shine through to all of us here and I am sure that as you gain the confidence you need you will exude that in every other aspect of your life.

If you need to talk you have my number, you are always welcome to call or text. 

*Hugs*

Jackie

Ps. If I ever make it to CA I will personally deliver you a very large and awkward hug. It's my specialty. 

You guys are really teaching me things about myself that I never realized, like I didn't think I was THAT nice but its a great feeling to know I have so many people who care. Thank you bb <3 And that hug will be amazing and not awkward. It might last for a while though, so plan to stay a couple days....well a hug that lasted a couple days probably would get awkward....lol ANYWAYS.........

Quote from: Jillieann on January 13, 2011, 08:49:24 PM
Oh Britney,
I missed this posting earlier sorry 
Hon I know it's hard when loved ones don't support you.
But look at all of your family here and all of the responses.
Almost 3 pages of postings in a couple of hours.
You see we care for you Britney.
You are special to us girl.
Your our sister and we will help you get through tis down time.
Big Long Bear Hug,
Jillieann

Thanks Jilly. You're right, the responce I've received is so overwhelming in the best way. If only we all LIVED in this small community. Again I love everyone here.

QuoteIf only we all LIVED in this small community.

That would be so great.

Quote from: Jillieann on January 13, 2011, 10:30:30 PM
That would be so great.

Maybe one day! We should all get together, pitch in a buy an island. lol move all the trans ppl there!

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 13, 2011, 10:38:41 PM
Maybe one day! We should all get together, pitch in a buy an island. lol move all the trans ppl there!

I'm in some of the trans men are cute!

Quote from: Simone V on January 13, 2011, 10:49:13 PM
I'm in some of the trans men are cute!

Some? haha like all of them, its crazy! haha.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 13, 2011, 10:38:41 PM
We should all get together, pitch in a buy an island. lol move all the trans ppl there!

Islands are good.

Re: "Is this "life" even worth it?"

(YES!)

Britney?Bieber! young lady!!! ""Is this "life" even worth it?" YES! should you even for a moment begin to believe that it is not, you need to get hold of me in person. I'll turn you over my knee and spank some sense into you! Don't even think of talking back just yet. I'm old enough to be your mother 

Quote from: Britney?Bieber on January 13, 2011, 12:51:03 AM
So I talked to my mom a little bit tonight, well I tried to. Neither of my parents have any interest in talking to me about my transition or how I feel about myself, as much as I have tried to reach out to them. I'm dying to scream at them "Please support me, I need you I love you. Love me back, please!" But I'm paralyzed with fear. It took me weeks to ask my parents to go with me to therapy but they both said they didn't wanna talk about it, my dad even said he doesn't support me but that doesn't mean he doesn't support me with everything else. My mom didn't say anything hurtful but her refusal to talk to me left me hurt and feeling like ->-bleeped-<-.

Your parents are going through this with you but on parallel roads Britney. While you suffer the deep feelings of rejection that can happen.  They are suffering guilt.  Oh yeah Guilt!  They are probably wondering," where they went wrong?" They really haven't got much of a clue about the situation. They probably don't even know that in vitro we are all first formed Female as a fetus.  That only 8 weeks into the pregnancy is gender determined by a random testosterone squirt that happens inside your mom.  They probably don't know that sometimes it's a missfire and our body goes boy while our brain never changes from girl to boy mode.  Most likely they believe the old school thing about the male sperm determining gender.  So if they are say from a traditional Catholic or older euro family they are simply in this state of mind that is Guilt!  Self blame and even worse Self pity.  Good news is, eventually and there's no telling when. They will except you. It might be tomorrow it might be 10 years from now. But there's a 90% chance that someday your mom and dad will say. "That's my daughter".

Quote from: Britney?Bieber on January 13, 2011, 12:51:03 AM
I'm starting to question everything and I just don't even know if this is worth what I'm giving up. Like I started this ->-bleeped-<- because I wasn't happy as a boy, I never have been and I don't think I ever will be. I'd rather be dead. But now how am I going to be happy when I'm stuck living with people who don't support me? I feel unloved, alienated, ugly, alone, stupid, selfish, hated, crazy...the list goes on.

Do you want to make yourself into what you are inside and live life happily?  Or would you rather live unhappy in order to please others? 43 years I have hidden away in the dark my secret me. Crying nights wishing I were pretty looking at woman in jealousy of the simple fact they are woman.  Going to parties where all the ladies are in one room and the men in the other and finding myself strangely drawn to the kitchen. But sitting silent in a corner with the men occasionally laughing as some quip that actually quite disgusted me.
Resulting in Clinical Depression, Mental break down. A attempt so slowly commit suicide by eating my self into a heart failure. So that no one could say "He was weak!" . Finally I decided that I need to live as me. A Woman and everyone else could except it or not. I don't care.
Now my mom is in her late 70's and dad is in her late 80's and I am the one that takes care of them not my sisters.  That in it's self has told them much. So they have excepted me.

Quote from: Britney?Bieber on January 13, 2011, 12:51:03 AM
At least before I would just blab to my friends about how unhappy I was. Now thanks to hormones I feel everything 100 times more. When its just me I feel good about myself, I feel like I finally look somewhat right, and and I'm getting happier with myself. Then I leave my room and hear michael, he, him and it kills me. I don't know what to do and I just feel like nothing right now. I feel dead, I don't know if I'm being dramatic but right now I don't think I would care if I gave up everything and everyone and just died. I don't want to die though. I want to live, and feel beautiful. And get married to a great guy in a beautiful dress and have kids and a career and a home. I just want a normal happy life and I don't feel like I could ever have that, transition or not. I just feel like I'm digging myself into a bigger and bigger hole and I'm not gonna ever be able to climb out. I don't know what to do. I'm alone.

Dad still says HE. HIM. And calls me Glenn. Though I am and have told them it's now Simone. Mom makes those same mistakes but I don't care and it doesn't hurt because I don't care! Your parents are younger then mine are presumably, they are in that guilt self blame and slightly defensive state of mind that many trans peoples families get into.  Keep going Britney, turn it off and "Don't care what they say" In the end you will be the woman you want to be and everyone will come around. If not you'll find new family, trust me on it.

Look Britney you have to do this for you. Not for anyone else.  People care about you that have never met you in RL, you will meet people in RL that will love you unconditionally for who you are as a woman. Have faith and just for now when someone says HE HIM MICHAEL.  Tell yourself "Whatever! I don't care!" smile and walk on don't even admit fo having heard it. Live love laugh and become the lovely girl you are.

Hugs Simone.
PS I'm not kidding if I find out you are thinking of the end.  I'll spank you till your fanny is red!
Hugs.

Quote from: Simone V on January 13, 2011, 11:45:48 PM
Re: "Is this "life" even worth it?"

(YES!)

Britney?Bieber! young lady!!! ""Is this "life" even worth it?" YES! should you even for a moment begin to believe that it is not, you need to get hold of me in person. I'll turn you over my knee and spank some sense into you! Don't even think of talking back just yet. I'm old enough to be your mother 


Your parents are going through this with you but on parallel roads Britney. While you suffer the deep feelings of rejection that can happen.  They are suffering guilt.  Oh yeah Guilt!  They are probably wondering," where they went wrong?" They really haven't got much of a clue about the situation. They probably don't even know that in vitro we are all first formed Female as a fetus.  That only 8 weeks into the pregnancy is gender determined by a random testosterone squirt that happens inside your mom.  They probably don't know that sometimes it's a missfire and our body goes boy while our brain never changes from girl to boy mode.  Most likely they believe the old school thing about the male sperm determining gender.  So if they are say from a traditional Catholic or older euro family they are simply in this state of mind that is Guilt!  Self blame and even worse Self pity.  Good news is, eventually and there's no telling when. They will except you. It might be tomorrow it might be 10 years from now. But there's a 90% chance that someday your mom and dad will say. "That's my daughter".



Do you want to make yourself into what you are inside and live life happily?  Or would you rather live unhappy in order to please others? 43 years I have hidden away in the dark my secret me. Crying nights wishing I were pretty looking at woman in jealousy of the simple fact they are woman.  Going to parties where all the ladies are in one room and the men in the other and finding myself strangely drawn to the kitchen. But sitting silent in a corner with the men occasionally laughing as some quip that actually quite disgusted me.
Resulting in Clinical Depression, Mental break down. A attempt so slowly commit suicide by eating my self into a heart failure. So that no one could say "He was weak!" . Finally I decided that I need to live as me. A Woman and everyone else could except it or not. I don't care.
Now my mom is in her late 70's and dad is in her late 80's and I am the one that takes care of them not my sisters.  That in it's self has told them much. So they have excepted me.



Dad still says HE. HIM. And calls me Glenn. Though I am and have told them it's now Simone. Mom makes those same mistakes but I don't care and it doesn't hurt because I don't care! Your parents are younger then mine are presumably, they are in that guilt self blame and slightly defensive state of mind that many trans peoples families get into.  Keep going Britney, turn it off and "Don't care what they say" In the end you will be the woman you want to be and everyone will come around. If not you'll find new family, trust me on it.

Look Britney you have to do this for you. Not for anyone else.  People care about you that have never met you in RL, you will meet people in RL that will love you unconditionally for who you are as a woman. Have faith and just for now when someone says HE HIM MICHAEL.  Tell yourself "Whatever! I don't care!" smile and walk on don't even admit fo having heard it. Live love laugh and become the lovely girl you are.

Hugs Simone.
PS I'm not kidding if I find out you are thinking of the end.  I'll spank you till your fanny is red!
Hugs.

Ahhh Simone your post really inspired me and cheered me up a great deal. I'm so glad to be here. <3

Hi,

One thing to keep in mind is that you have been dealing with gender probably for all of your life.  By the time you came out to your parents, you already dealt with all the emotional issues.  You were: "Okay, I am here, where are you?"  The problem is that they got shocked, although probably had some ideas, but still.  You have to give your parents some time to accept and deal with the whole thing, just as you did.

I know.  That sucks.  I had the same thing told to me by a friend.  I was upset at hearing that at the time, but now I can see that there is merit.  Your parents seem to still love you, so they will come around.

By the way, I can only smile, when you said that you cringe every time that you hear your male name and/or male pronouns.  I hate that too.  Hearing "sir" truly ticks me off.  I went to get a trim the other day wearing a female blouse and the hair stylist at Supercuts and the cashier went out of their way to say "sir" and "would you like your sideburns trimmed" and other such stuff, even though I have no facial hair at all (thank you electrology) and now no hair on my back or neck (almost all gone).  I had my purse with me too.

How long ago has it been that you came out to your parents?

You said that you want kids.  Is your plan that you and your future husband adopt a child / children?  Did you save any sperm and will use a surrogate mother?

Quote from: sarahla on January 14, 2011, 01:40:47 AM
Hi,

One thing to keep in mind is that you have been dealing with gender probably for all of your life.  By the time you came out to your parents, you already dealt with all the emotional issues.  You were: "Okay, I am here, where are you?"  The problem is that they got shocked, although probably had some ideas, but still.  You have to give your parents some time to accept and deal with the whole thing, just as you did.

I know.  That sucks.  I had the same thing told to me by a friend.  I was upset at hearing that at the time, but now I can see that there is merit.  Your parents seem to still love you, so they will come around.

By the way, I can only smile, when you said that you cringe every time that you hear your male name and/or male pronouns.  I hate that too.  Hearing "sir" truly ticks me off.  I went to get a trim the other day wearing a female blouse and the hair stylist at Supercuts and the cashier went out of their way to say "sir" and "would you like your sideburns trimmed" and other such stuff, even though I have no facial hair at all (thank you electrology) and now no hair on my back or neck (almost all gone).  I had my purse with me too.

How long ago has it been that you came out to your parents?

You said that you want kids.  Is your plan that you and your future husband adopt a child / children?  Did you save any sperm and will use a surrogate mother?

I came out to them about 4 or 5 months ago I'd say. I would have walked out of there and found a more friendly place to give my business to. I'm sorry that happened, some people are sick

And I hope they come around. Thanks

Another thing to consider about mood, you said you've been on hormones for what, four months? I know with myself I gradually increased my dose each month, and I was a crying sobbing mess the whole way. It wasn't until month six, well after I was on a stable dose that I was able to go a week without crying at the slightest things. I know you can feel crummy now, but you will get better. Take it from someone who has been there, razor-blade in hand, it'll pass.

Quote from: AbbyJ on January 14, 2011, 08:57:18 PM
Another thing to consider about mood, you said you've been on hormones for what, four months? I know with myself I gradually increased my dose each month, and I was a crying sobbing mess the whole way. It wasn't until month six, well after I was on a stable dose that I was able to go a week without crying at the slightest things. I know you can feel crummy now, but you will get better. Take it from someone who has been there, razor-blade in hand, it'll pass.

My dose is the same

Quote from: Simone V on January 13, 2011, 11:45:48 PMPS I'm not kidding if I find out you are thinking of the end.  I'll spank you till your fanny is red!

She really is not kidding, Britney...    I sent her an email today with some sadness in it (because I have to leave my wife), and she called me on the phone, just to see how I was.  But the thing is, she can't spank me, I'm older than HER.  And she can't lecture me, either, even if I talk back to her.  Age has privileges, dear, which is why you need to GET THERE, so you can find out how sweet life can BE.

Always remember, when you're young, everything seems like it'll go on forever.  I remember that very well.  It's impossible to see very far down the road.  There's always a little hill that hides the horizon.  When you get old and wrinkly like me, you're tall enough to see over that hill, and things look a lot more promising.  PLUS, I have the power to change what I don't like, and I don't need permission, and I'm not dependent on anyone else.  That's where you're at a disadvantage, but that's only temporary.

Is it worth it?  You bet your Azz!

I can only imagine how rough it is telling family. I have yet to tell my parents. I'm afraid too. But hey, my brother is gay and they accept him fine so they can't be that closed minded.

Anyhoo, back to you Britney. I'm sorry that your parents are having a hard time with it. Unfortunately, that is expected. This is the way I see it; I'm sure it took you some time to admit and come to terms with the situation yourself. The same time is required for your parents. Just give it time and I'm sure everything will work out. I know that can be hard to do but look on the bright side, they could be taking the news a whole lot worse.

Here's to hoping for the best. 

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on January 14, 2011, 09:41:30 PM
She really is not kidding, Britney...    I sent her an email today with some sadness in it (because I have to leave my wife), and she called me on the phone, just to see how I was.  But the thing is, she can't spank me, I'm older than HER.  And she can't lecture me, either, even if I talk back to her.  Age has privileges, dear, which is why you need to GET THERE, so you can find out how sweet life can BE.

Always remember, when you're young, everything seems like it'll go on forever.  I remember that very well.  It's impossible to see very far down the road.  There's always a little hill that hides the horizon.  When you get old and wrinkly like me, you're tall enough to see over that hill, and things look a lot more promising.  PLUS, I have the power to change what I don't like, and I don't need permission, and I'm not dependent on anyone else.  That's where you're at a disadvantage, but that's only temporary.

Is it worth it?  You bet your Azz!

haha gotta love Simone! Thanks CC

Quote from: Shai on January 14, 2011, 09:43:52 PM
I can only imagine how rough it is telling family. I have yet to tell my parents. I'm afraid too. But hey, my brother is gay and they accept him fine so they can't be that closed minded.

Anyhoo, back to you Britney. I'm sorry that your parents are having a hard time with it. Unfortunately, that is expected. This is the way I see it; I'm sure it took you some time to admit and come to terms with the situation yourself. The same time is required for your parents. Just give it time and I'm sure everything will work out. I know that can be hard to do but look on the bright side, they could be taking the news a whole lot worse.

Here's to hoping for the best. 

No kidding bb, I thought about transition for like five years and always dismissed the idea saying it wasn't for me, or I didn't NEED to do all that stuff. Yet the whole time I hated myself and my life and never knew why. Haha well I'm happy to be where I am now, despite my feelings a few nights ago. And I really hope you're parents are better than mine. Nothing is worse than feeling ugly hated alienated etc all by your parents. I feel that sometimes from myself or strangers but from my PARENTS of all people. =X Gahh I'll get over it in time. This is worth it. I can't be anything to make them happy, except happy. And if my happiness doesn't make them happy, then they'll be sad. And I'll be happy. Sounds like its not my problem. If only I could believe that all the time lol.

Britney, here's how lucky YOU are.  Whereas you wrote:

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 15, 2011, 04:04:41 AM
No kidding bb, I thought about transition for like five years and always dismissed the idea saying it wasn't for me, or I didn't NEED to do all that stuff. Yet the whole time I hated myself and my life and never knew why.

Here's how I would rewrite that statement to apply to MY life (by the way, it's ALMOST word-for-word...)

QuoteNo kidding bb, I thought about transition for like THIRTY-five years and always dismissed the idea saying it wasn't for me, or I didn't NEED to do all that stuff. Yet the whole time I hated myself and my life and never knew why.

At least you're taking action now.  And you're not married.  Two VERY wise decisions.