Hi Walter,
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New experiences like this can make us question ourselves. Questioning and challenging ourselves can be good though. It helps us figure out what we need, and what paths we need to take.
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First question: How do you think you have "ruined" yourself? In what way is your gender identity challenged?
Is it challenged by how your co-worker sees you? Or is it challenged by how you see yourself now?
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Others will see you in many different ways. Often they will see you in the ways that benefit them the most. You can't control that. What's important with your identity, however, is how you see yourself.
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I think you should ask yourself what the events of the past few months mean to you. It may take you some time to process, and that's ok.
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Yes, you had sex. What does that mean?
Personally, the first time I had sex, I was 26. It was a new and exciting feeling. Being that close to someone. Touching them, and being touched. Many things are new and exciting though...bungee jumping...sky diving...etc. That it felt new and exciting doesn't take away from my identity. That I enjoyed the intimacy doesn't make me male/female....it just means that I'm human.
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I understand about the very private/personal nature of conflicts between your physical sex and your inner gender though.
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That something happened in your recent past isn't important right now. We need to experience new things to figure out how we really feel. Sometimes challenging how we feel right now is the best way for us to grow and understand ourselves better.
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What is important is this: how do you feel about it now? How do you feel about your body?
How you feel now, can tell you if you're on the right path, or if you need to make a course correction.
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Most of my life, I've ignored my body. After I was married at 26, had sex, and was obligated to continue having sex, it became very clear how I felt about my body: I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. You may feel differently about your body, and that's ok. Your gender may not be so completely incongruent with your current anatomical sex. And if that's the case, I'm happy for you. But what's most important is that you DO figure out how you feel. How you see/identify yourself may change, and that's ok too.
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As a cautionary tale, I would say this: Before you get pregnant (take precautions please), and before you get married (or otherwise committed to something long-term), do figure this out about yourself. From personal experience, I can say that getting tethered to things that hold you down, and that keep you from being yourself for years on end isn't fun.
