"When you are ready to lose everything, you are ready to transition.  That doesn't mean you WILL lose everything, just that you have to be prepared to do so."

Those are the words of my therapist, back when I first started seeing her.  Very true, but also very sad.

I "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons:
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

There were other reasons, but those were the biggies.  Well, obviously those reasons didn't stop me.  #1, 5 and especially 6 weren't true.  #4 might be true only when read.  #2 & 3 pretty much came true.  But despite all that I could never go back to a male life, not even if I could erase my being TG from the memory of all who know, as if all this never happened.  Sure, it would be wonderful to sit with my kids and talk like we used to.  But eventually I'd start feeling depressed and losing my will to live again.  So I'll keep on this path.

What stopped you or what is stopping you from transitioning?

Julie

"I can't do this to my wife."

That was the ultimate showstopper.

Everything else you list fell... one by one... as the desperation grew. They STILL all concern me, but... YOU know how it goes. I'll figure it out as I go.

Kate

"I can't do this to my wife"?  I may sound a little harsh, but she does have choices in this matter. If you are going through the hell that I have gone through all my life, there was no choice for me, except maybe trying to kill my self again. I think I would have succeeded on the next try. I loved my wife very much and we talked about all this and what our options were. She loved me too, but it took a while to finally accept that she really did love me and was not feeling sorry for me. She has said that she lost her husband, OK, what is a husband? I let her have that one, but what she really lost was a penis. Now, I might get criticised for that, but really what is a husband, what is a wife? If my wife had her breasts removed and her vagina sewed shut and she lost her hormones and had to start shaving like some women do when they get older, would I have lost a wife? NO!!! She is still there, we are two people who love each other in sickness and in health, til death do us part. I know it is hard and I went through a lot of pain and my wife went through more pain than I did but we love each other. We did not give up on the other. We still go to the grocery store and argue on what to buy for dinner. She still tells me to slow down to 10mph under the speed limit in the mountains but she won't drive. She still has more clothes than me and shoes. We do agree on the toilet seat. We still have our coffee at night and talk. She is my best friend and I know that I'm her best friend. We will grow old and cranky together. OK, stepping off the huge soap box and falling on my face while doing so.
Love Sheila

Quote from: Sheila on February 23, 2007, 01:33:31 PM
"I can't do this to my wife"?  I may sound a little harsh, but she does have choices in this matter. If you are going through the hell that I have gone through all my life, there was no choice for me...

Me neither.

I eventually started my transition, but "I can't do this to my wife..." was the last reason to be consumed by the GID. I bloody near killed myself over it just to avoid having to choose between my marriage/wife and transitioning. God... I've never been so sick in my life as I was back then. Stomach pain to the point of being curled into a fetal position, throwing up, missing work, headaches... it was awful, the most miserable time ever.

But I broke, eventually. It was inevitable, as most of you already know, having faced these same things.

She DID lose her husband though. I'm not HIM. I realize many people say they didn't change when they transitioned, only the outer appearance did. Well, I've changed. Or evolved. Or emerged. Call it what you will, but the person she married no longer exists according to my wife. It's not the physical changes, it's the emotional and behavioral ones. I, Kate, basically had to decide to kill her husband... or actually it was more like HE commited spiritual suicide to allow Kate out - but either way I knew I was taking away the "man" she loved. Whether that was an illusion or not, it was one she believed in.

It's a terrible thing to crush someone else's dreams.

Kate

Quote
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

1, 3, 4, 5 and "I can't do this to my wife."

2, I am not sure on.
6, No, I really can't I don't think.  I can exist, but not live, if that makes sense.

It's not "I can't do this to my wife"
It's more like, I won't.
Because, despite the fact that I told her prior to our marriage, I did say 'I do' and give my vow 'until death parts us.'

Besides, it's all going to be over at some point, and we'll all have a big laugh, or no laugh at all, depending on what happens next.
I just have to be patient.

That's my rational for not transitioning.
It's far easier to sleep through life or get through the day any way I can and wait for the inevitable.

Jessica

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
It's not "I can't do this to my wife"
It's more like, I won't.

The thing is, I realized I already HAD "done this to my wife" as of the day we got married.

Kate

So who is the same person they were when they get married. When I started my transitioning I was married 30 years. Do you think that we had both changed in some ways. Yes, that is grabbing for straws, but it is the truth, we are not the same as when we got married. I still haven't heard the difinition of husband or wife? I know the arguement is fruitless, but to me it has merit. Who is the husband or wife in a same sex marriage. If you love someone, it doesn't have to do with your body parts, it is what is in your heart. I have heard that story over and over and when it comes down to it, it is all about body parts. Yes my body has changed, my soul hasn't. When I had surgery it didn't change everything about me. When I started hormones, it didnt change everything about me. I'm more emotional now and I'm pretty much the same as before. I have always looked at both genders, just didn't admit it til now. Will I go after anyone in particular, NO. I'm married and I have no desire to stray. If Pat and I were to ever divorce, I would not hook up with anyone. I really only like my mate and I know things change so never say never. OK, I got into one of those posts that I can't let go of. I'm getting off the box now.
Sheila

7/ For those with children:

What will it do to my children ?

Are my needs more than theirs ?

What right do I have to cause them anguish and suffering ?

What would I do for them ?

Ruth

Woah, that is... interesting.

Quote1. I'll never pass.

I do not care.

Quote2. I'll be rejected by my family.

They are the only ones on this planet who could have slowed me down.

Quote3. I'll be rejected by my friends.

Friends?

Quote4. I'll be a freak in society.

^{*grins evilly*}

Quote5. I don't have the courage.

^*shrug* Do or die. That is what it was getting to; As Leigh has said; When in a burning building trying to escape that is not courage.

Quote6. I can live okay without transitioning.

I wish.


BUT, then again when I broke there was nothing that was going to stop me. NOTHING. Yes, I am that heartless and cruel. But then again, it is my life and I have to do what I can to make amends.

Quote"I can't do this to my wife."

In my case that was Fiancée. ^*shrug* Of all the people around she deserved the most honesty, and no, she could not have slowed me down. Not yet.

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
6, No, I really can't I don't think.  I can exist, but not live, if that makes sense.

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
I did say 'I do' and give my vow 'until death parts us.'

Look at what you just said. Existence is not life. Yes, existence is exactly what my life was. So, as I see it, I can say this with some knowledge on the matter.

Jessica, you are already dead.

But you are still alive enough to do something about that.

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
Besides, it's all going to be over at some point, and we'll all have a big laugh, or no laugh at all, depending on what happens next.
I just have to be patient.

That's my rational for not transitioning.
It's far easier to sleep through life or get through the day any way I can and wait for the inevitable.

Jessica

So true... But again, it being patient and existing is not life.

Quote from: Kate on February 23, 2007, 02:30:21 PM

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
It's not "I can't do this to my wife"
It's more like, I won't.

The thing is, I realized I already HAD "done this to my wife" as of the day we got married.

Kate

An As smarty pants Kate just said.

Neither of you, ANY OF US, are the 'men' the wives married.

Quote from: Sheila on February 23, 2007, 02:50:37 PM
If you love someone, it doesn't have to do with your body parts...

^*smile* An smarty Sheila too!

Quote
7/ For those with children:

For me, my view is kids need a parent, not a corpse.


^*shrug*
Just my thoughts on the matter.

Interesting....
I have no wife so that is not a listed item for me but i have many.......
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
.........................................
1,000.
1,001.
1,002.......................
and as Kimberly would shyly state..
"shrug"
xo
Ricki

Here were my reasons for delaying transition.

1. I'll never pass.
2. My friends will reject me.
3. I'm too smart to be a Jerry Springer looking freak (mean, but honest)
4. I'll miss my penis and sex
5. Don't I like girls? I think I like girls.

All of these were hubris. I ALWAYS pass, my friends respect me, I look normal, I would do GRS today if I could and MAN do I not like girls sexually.

Bri

Here were my reasons for delaying transition: (Many of them could be combined into one word: FEAR).

1. My family wouldn't approve and will think I'm crazy.
2. I was afraid to tell a doctor or a therapist, because I thought they'd tell me I was insane and lock me up.
3. I wasn't entirely convinced that this was something people can actually do...what if I decided to go ahead with it and discovered that they didn't do that sort of treatment anymore?
4. I didn't have any confidence in myself or my thoughts and feelings...I wasn't entirely convinced that I hadn't just talked myself into being transsexual from reading all those articles and books and websites about it.  What if I was wrong?

In 2003, once I realized that these feelings were never going to go away, I started seriously researching what I could do.  I figured that at the most, I'd end up finding someone who'd talk me out of the idea.  Then after my mother passed away later that year, and my family started to drift apart, I had no more people to put their needs ahead of mine anymore, and I figured, "If I'm going to have to start a new life, why not do so on my own terms?"  I wiil also add that I had a lot of help from friends I met online, I don't think I would have been able to give myself that needed push without them.

Lot of good reasons above  - many apply to me as to why I should not even consider transistion. What I would add is:

1) I would loss triathlon.  - There would be many months when I would not be able to train and that would not be very nice
2) I am not Feminine enough (sorry Kate - it is just how I feel).

Alice

Quote from: Sheila on February 23, 2007, 02:50:37 PM
If you love someone, it doesn't have to do with your body parts, it is what is in your heart.

What if you discovered that your wife was actually your long-lost biological sister?

That's kinda how I got past "I can't do this to my wife." Our love didn't change, but the *context* did - or in our case we realized we always HAD been best girlfriends, and no amount of wishing and hoping was going to twist that into a heterosexual "marriage." In fact, pursuing that delusion was just forcing us farther and farther apart as the resentment grew between us. Things were getting *worse* with each passing year, not better.

Right or wrong, my wife wanted a heterosexual sex life and traditional male/female marriage roles. It's not that she doesn't love me as a person, but she wanted and expected to *relate* to me within that context... and it just never happened. Being married to me ALMOST seems improper now, as if we did discover we were sisters.

Kate

Should I answer this thread?  >  I think most of you know how I feel about this.

There isn't a single valid reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one! Selfish?  Hey this is our life; we are responsible for our own happiness and perhaps this will be the only chance we have.  There! I said it!


tinkerbell

Quote from: Tinkerbell on February 23, 2007, 09:39:10 PM
Should I answer this thread?  >  I think most of you know how I feel about this.

There isn't a single reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one! Selfish?  Hey this is our life; we are responsible for our own happiness and perhaps this will be the only chance we have.  There! I said it!


tinkerbell

Thats not nice. I have been thinking about nothing latly except if I should transistion. Sometimes I just want to start the process tomorrow so I can get it out of the way. Other times I just do not want to go through the process at all. I can accept my brain is female or party female - does that mean I should transistion. Only time will tell.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on February 23, 2007, 09:48:12 PM

Quote from: Tinkerbell on February 23, 2007, 09:39:10 PM
Should I answer this thread?  >  I think most of you know how I feel about this.

There isn't a single reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one! Selfish?  Hey this is our life; we are responsible for our own happiness and perhaps this will be the only chance we have.  There! I said it!


tinkerbell

Thats not nice. I have been thinking about nothing latly except if I should transistion. Sometimes I just want to start the process tomorrow so I can get it out of the way. Other times IO just do not want to go through the process at all. I can accept my brain is female or party female - does that mean I should transistion. Only time will tell.

Alice

Alice, that is my personal view; that's how I really feel.  If I were to say otherwise, I wouldn't be telling the truth.  Sorry hon, it wasn't said to be mean, just honest.


tinkerbell

I agree with tink. All transsexuals transition or die - or possibly end up very closeted, miserable and Fred Phelps-esque.

No reasons not to. No excuses. No fear.

It doesn't matter how you look either. Some of us end up pretty and perfectly passable, some of us can't pass in the dark. It's immaterial.

Bri

Quote from: Brianna on February 23, 2007, 10:18:07 PM
I agree with tink. All transsexuals transition or die - or possibly end up very closeted, miserable and Fred Phelps-esque.

No reasons not to. No excuses. No fear.

It doesn't matter how you look either. Some of us end up pretty and perfectly passable, some of us can't pass in the dark. It's immaterial.

Yep. You got it.

It's not so much a matter of "should," having no excuses, or having no fear. The scary fact is YOU WILL do it, sooner or later, regardless of the reasons currently holding you back.

The REAL reason, IMHO, people don't transition is because they're holding onto the NOT YET excuse. They say "I can't," but what they mean is NOT YET. Maybe in the next life, maybe my wife will come around, maybe when the kids grow up... as long as that hope remains alive, they feel they can afford to delay the inevitable.

You don't decide to transition. You can only decide NOT to, using these "reasons" to buy another day.

But GID has infinite patience. It has no compassion, no mercy, no sense of fairplay... it will relentlessly increase the pressure until you break, you stop "deciding," and your life finally unfolds from that cramped, miserable existence into the person you were meant to be all along.

Kate

Quote from: Brianna on February 23, 2007, 10:18:07 PM
I agree with tink. All transsexuals transition or die - or possibly end up very closeted, miserable and Fred Phelps-esque.

No reasons not to. No excuses. No fear.

It doesn't matter how you look either. Some of us end up pretty and perfectly passable, some of us can't pass in the dark. It's immaterial.

Bri

And many do die..... Suicide is a viable option for many people.

The prospect of doing something so scary and unknown can push people to the point of no return, lets never forget that.

Some people cannot face the prospect of transition.

Buffy