I really dont know if anyone really knew that when I had started hormones over a year that my wife did not know.
Ive been lying all of this time.
Lying is the worst thing that anyone can do to her other than cheat.
Well, now that I had my first endo appointment and trying to do right in the medication front... I just told her about the hormones.
Well, I no longer have trust.
I've damaged her greatly.
She did not hit me.
She did not yell at me.
She has said little over instant message chat.

I have accepted that she may leave me because of the lie.

I love her more than anything and I dream that years from now I can still be married to her and start to regain trust.

Wow, that's really harsh. I can't really blame her for being upset about the lie, but she may have been equally as upset at the coming out if it had been done a lot sooner, too. No way of knowing. At least the truth is out there now.

I do hope she realizes that revealing such a big and intimate secret was an incredibly difficult thing to do and loves you enough to give you the chance to earn her trust back (which will be a long, slow process). If she can do that, I think there is hope that she *might* come to terms with your "out" identity and maybe even choose to stay with you for the long haul. Only time will tell.

If she does leave, it'll be painful but at least you don't have that Sword of Damocles hanging over you head anymore. Just know that you are not alone. *hug*

Best wishes.

Hi Jess

Would it possible for her to attend a therapy session with you? It can help if the therapist was there as a mediator.

it is best regardless of the outcome

living a lie eats at a persons soul and if left to fester for too long, it will corode ones soul indelibly

  The main reason why I never dated.  I didn't want to hurt her whomever she might of been.  Most of the single women I met in the past were 'mucho women'.   They wanted their 'macho men' anyway.  Sigh.  I still want them. 
  Jess, I hope for the best with you and your wife.  You should always be honest with your spouse, better on the long term stuff when you are dating your prospective spouse.  Your wife is hurt and in shock at this moment.  Give her space and respect her decision on your relationship. 
  Joelene

As Annah recommended, going to sessions together may be a big help, if she is willing to give it a try.  (I really should have thought to suggest it myself. *facepalm* I plead...um...sleep deprivation. Yeah, that's the ticket. )

In my case, my wife and I do three kinds of sessions with our therapist: one session for only me, one session for only her, and one session with both of us. It has really helped us understand each other much better. Well, when we can afford the sessions.  Frankly, I'm of the opinion that all spouses/partners of transpeople would benefit from being involved in therapy, even if the spouse is already accepting and supportive.

It sounds like she may not be receptive to much of anything right now while she deals with the shock of the situation, but when she has had a chance to cool off enough to start speaking/chatting with you again, I would definitely approach her with the idea.

IM to exhausted to quote, please forgive me.
I can hardly think really.
Basically the outcome is.
Im selfish for forcing this for myself and letting no choise for her.
Ive ruiend our life because Im turning into a female, even though Ive said many time that Im fine with part time.
I can never be trusted, and that Ive well proved that with the year long lie and that Id still choose pills.
She is no longer my wife, but will live under the same roof for now for our children.
I am worthless.
I am a liyer.
I am selfish.
She believes that I never loved her.
She truely hates me.

I should really say that over the past year, she had more kids that I have not accepted and shes raised them on her own, everything on her own and that I caused so much pain and hurt from that that niether of us thiught we could get though.. and now theres this thats even worse.

I know Ill get yelled at for this, but I have to say it since it what I truly feel.

I hate that Im transgender!

Jess,
  You will have to face this now!  You will pull yourself up and take any medicine she dishes out!  You'll be better off in the end if you take it and learn from this.  You are not the only one here on Susan's who has done this.  The pages are filled with the revelation to the spouse and the aftermath.  You have friends here by the responses here, including myself.   
  Joelene

Just popping in to give a hug and to agree with the others that you did the right thing telling her the truth.

Best of luck with it all 

:/ Ive seen the pages and the high rate of divorce.
I really didnt want to add to them, Im not one to really want to bring others down or burden others but... Hum... Felt I had to this time. I need shoulders.
Im hoping that Im clear ehough to actually reply to everyone clearly durring the day.
I know its going to be a long road. Well, actually it might be quite short if she gets the papers tomaorw when shes off work since she took the day off because of me.

I'm so sorry to hear this Jesse,

But I think she may be being a bit harsh, as you are also being so, on yourself. You have gone through significant physical, mental and emotional changes over the last year, which I would have thought to be pretty noticeable.

OK you didn't tell her you were on 'mones, but did she really expect the changes in your body to be from drinking OJ?

I know you love her. But sometimes these relationships are just too hard for the person who cannot understand the horror of being us.

Hugs my friend. I have a shoulder you can lean on.

Cindy

Hugs from me too Jess.

In case you don't know this, a LOT of females are VERY good at lying – mind you, it is often their only defence.

I have learned (in male-guise) to be a lot more forgiving about it, though try not to practice it if at all possible.

It struck me how merciless some females (AFAB) are when it comes to lies. Of course only when they are lied to!
Please take it all with a large pinch of salt, life is not as perfect as some would have it.

My 2 cents,
Axelle

Quote from: _Jess_ on October 17, 2011, 09:15:29 PMI have accepted that she may leave me because of the lie.

Well, it's not a lie anymore and she'll too just need to get over your "temp, forced due no other choice minor deception" for sanity's sake, just like everybody else is told? When ya mess with pre-contrived "grand plans" one must always expect grand consequences as well . . .

My father always used to say: "If ya expect the worst (in people) to begin with, you'll never be disappointed again" Remember the ultimate, final choice remains hers and, if indeed unable to "deal with it", probably means she didn't really love you in the first place!

Somebody help me.
I can't take this.

Somebody
anybody

I'm really truly sorry this had to happen. Did you discuss with her why you lied? Did you explain to her how much you still love her? You need to go through all the stops if you still want her. On the other hand, what's more important, you being your true self or her?

I'm really sorry for saying this, and I truly hate to but...sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go...

We're here for you no matter what happens. Don't lose heart.

Wife:  watch
what gender are you?
me:  I am male
born male
XY
Wife:  no. what gender do you identify with?
me:  ....female
Wife:  what gender do you act like?
me:  um
not girly
not sportsy
middle
Wife:  two options
male or female
me:  female.
Too female
Wife:  what gender do you think like
me:  I never wanted to be to female more you.
not femme, not masc.
Wife:  two options
me:  Male
I just told me that I do.
Wife:  um. no
so you consider yourself female
and sexually you want to be with?
me:  FEMALE
Wife:  my uncle switched
me:  he is not trans
Wife:  50% switch
i dont be;ieve you

you will not touch me
i am not lesbian.

Is that what really matters to her? Does the gender of the person she loved really matter that much? I'm sorry, but if she really loves or loved you then your gender shouldn't matter. Period.