I really hope Im doing this right, correct me if im wrong...
For want of a better title, Hi.
I'm Ferret, Im from the Uk. I enjoy playing guitar and fencing.
Im very new to this forum thing but Ive been badgered about getting on one and talking to guys in my position so I finally thought Id give it ago and tell you a little about myself and my story.
I'm FTM Trans and as of the 17th of this month I will have been living in a male role for exactly one year, I have yet to be told I can go on T, but I've been on Blockers for about 5 months.
I can't really say I've had a hard time during my transition so far. My parents and friends are all really supportive and for that I'm very thankful but of course that doesnt mean it isnt difficult or without its bullying. Theres one guy at my college who seems intent on making me feel weaker than he is but I suspect that may be beacsue he's actually in denial about his own feelings so I wont hold him to it.
Well...what can I say? I love being the guy I am now and though I still have a long way to go I feel great. I dont seem to have to many side effects with the blockers but at times it can become uncomfortable, but hey, it could be worse right?
I seem to pass for male relatively easily though a few people still appear to be having trouble with pro-nouns and I cant tell if its an intentional dig or an accidental slip. My grandparents are the only real problem I have right now. While my Grandad insists he is ok with it, you can see he's uncomfortable and while I can accept that Im afraid I cannot accept my Grans behaviour towards me. She seems to have decided Its my Mums fault and that the whole family is mad and shes the one who has to deal with it and how stressful it all is for her. Ok, its hard for her, fine, but dont insult me in my birthday cards or over the phone to my mum and then blame her! Whatever, I dont have much to say to her nowadays and she seems reluctant to talk directly to me anyway so fine by me.
There is one question Im getting sick of though and its mainly because I dont really know the answer. "How are you gonna have relationships?"
Perhaps Ill talk about that some other time but at the moment I want to finish explain how I came out becasue although some people may get bored reading such a long post, I feel its necessary in order to better introduce me as I think it says alot about who I was, who I am now, and who I may become.
Every one asks "When did you realise?", well, It didnt happen at a specific point in time as I doubt it does with anyone. The earliest memory I have of feeling trapped inside my own body is when I was about 6 years old. I ran up to my childminder and said "I dont want to be a girl!" I cant remember what it was that sparked the statement, it may have been nothing and I just wanted to tell someone, but it was met with "Dont be silly! Why would you say that? Now go play." And that was that. I really loved my childminder and Im still in contact with her and she's been so supportive so I dont hold her responsible for what was to come next at all, she just didnt understand. The trouble is, that comment made me feel that no one would ever listen to me and that I should just try and be "a good girl". I tried my best to fit in and over the course of the next 5 years I created a sort of seperate personality for myself to hide behind. I was not a terribly shy person and I often took part in talent shows plays and sports events. But after a while that changed and I lost myself behind my new persona. I became very withdrawn and secluded myself from others. I couldnt get up in fromt of people and perform and eventually I became very depressed. I wont go into details but I was not in a good place.
WHen I was 14 I finally realised that something was very wrong but I was too confused and wrapped up in myself to undestand what it was. Of the few friends I had, one realised somethign was going on and approached me. They forced me to tell them and when I realised I did, first admiting that I was Bi-sexual, and then that I felt like a boy trapped in a girls body. They werent shocked. They had already guessed. That they had managed to do so before I had myself shocked me though but they encouraged me little by little to come out of my shell and to tell my parents. Long story short my Mum cried but they both accpeted it and took it in their stride.
Since under going various counselling and therapy I have become much more confident in myself and have managed to leave behind most of that old persona, although some of it has become habit and took longer to get over. However there are still some reminders of that dark past, namely a nervous twitch that is rather explosibe and at times painful but thats coming under control. The worst though, is that I still cannot perform or even give a presentation in front of even one person. I stammer and trip over my words, twtch, and freeze and the last time I tried I actually blacked out and couldnt remember what had happened until having had a full nights sleep. In tyime Im sure Ill over come this but right now its crippling especially while doing my english course which involves many presentations.
I have to say though, I am happier now than I have ever been, and will be happier still as things progress. I have a good circle of friends who I know will support me and dont stand for anyone insulting me.
That pretty much brings you up to date and I hope you dont mind the long post.
Im willing to give advice where I can, but Id also appriciate any advice any one feels they can give.
