Quote from: lonely girl on November 17, 2011, 01:10:12 AM
So far I had 3-4 potential boyfriends... all of them couldn't accept me after telling them right away, before dating, that I was born a boy, and still have a penis ....
Next day I got his message.. "I'm sorry, I can't accept the fact that you are biologically male. You are a really nice girl, I hope you can find someone that can accept you one day. We still can be friends, call me if you need my help.".. I skipped classes and cried on my bed for a long time.. It really sucks how he can accept a infertile girl.. but not a TS
IDK I really lost hope in dating... I just want to know some of you girl's experiences on dating, wether being rejected or accepted, and how long did that take you? and wether guys are more ok with you being post-op?
I'm not entirely clear on the situation. When you told him the truth, did you mention that you're pre-op? While I don't have firsthand experience, I imagine that being post-op would make a huge difference. If you want to be with heterosexual guys, you must assume that they are either not sexually attracted to penises (at best) or repulsed by penises (at worst). Therefore, the fact that you still have a penis will screen out many guys who might otherwise be OK with dating someone who was "born male." Maybe the reason why your ex-boyfriend could accept an infertile girl but not a TS was because infertile natal women have vaginas, while you have a penis. (There are some heterosexual guys who are attracted to penises, but they are rare. Human sexuality is an infinitely complicated matter.)
The term "biologically male" is a red herring to me. Once you've had SRS, there will be very, very few biological differences between you and a natal woman, the main being the XY chromosomes in your cells, rather than XX. However, chromosomes alone do not determine whether one is "biologically male" or female. A small number of people are born with XXY, XXXY, and XXXXY chromosomes. If you define "biological sex" by a single pair of chromosomes, then these genetic anomalies disintegrate that definition. People who have these conditions are medically considered "male," since they always develop some male anatomical characteristics and undergo some form of male puberty. But usually the chromosomal defect also results in gender ambiguity, i.e., intersexuality. Although I know that this is not the forum for intesex talk, I'd like to note that plenty of children born with very ambiguous genitalia have been neonatally assigned to be female. And as we all know from the David Reimer scandal, not all intersex people accept neonatally-assigned genders. (BTW, I know that David was technically not IS.)
(Speaking of intersex people, they are the truly invisible gender-variant people. Most everyday people become exposed to the concept of ->-bleeped-<- every once in a while, in the forms of cross-dressers, ->-bleeped-<-s, genderqueers, drag queens/kings, and transsexuals, but they don't have a clue about intersexuality and its implications. They believe that children must be born either distinctly male or female. But although ISs are different from MTFs and FTMs, they must be included in the conversations about TS acceptance because they still have to worry about explaining what they were "before," especially since many ISs retain some of their gender-ambiguous anatomies into adulthood, despite hormone therapy and genital reconstruction. If you think that telling a partner that you're TS is hard, imagine revealing to her/him that you have male breasts, large nipples, and a micropenis, or that you have clitoris that looks like a mini penis, and that your gender was decided after you were born because it was too ambiguous at birth.)
Getting back on topic, there would be a different issue if your ex-boyfriend broke-up with you just because you're TS, regardless of whether you're pre-op or post-op. That would be bigotry, pure and simple, and you could at least get some consolation by telling yourself that you deserve better than to be with a bigot anyway. I started a thread at another forum a few weeks ago, asking the question, "How much homophobia is behind transphobia?" This came from the idea that many transphobic men reject trans women, even the perfectly passable post-op ones, because they believe that trans women are actually men; thus, their disgust would be based on homophobia. At one point in the thread, I asked the rhetorical question that if these men can't get the thought of being sexual with another man out of their minds when confronted with a trans woman, then why are they not similarly concerned about whether they are pedophiles? After all, every natal woman was once a little girl.
The problems that the TS/TG community is still facing are very much the same as those faced by the black community several decades ago. Do you all remember the "one-drop rule" that was written into the laws of many jurisdictions? There's a classic Hollywood movie from the 1950s called Imitation of Life. One of the main storylines in the movie was about mixed-race girl who passed as white and resented both her racial identity and her black mother because of the discrimination that African Americans suffered at the time. In one harrowing scene, her white boyfriend beats her within an inch of her life when he learns that she's part black. We can hardly imagine something like that, or even just a nonviolent break-up for the same reasons, happening today because racism is shameful, and pretty much no one wants to be a racist. (Many white supremacists actually deny that they are racists.) Yet similar bigotry toward transsexuals is still socially acceptable, even as homophobia falls out of fashion. I think that there's nothing wrong with preferring to be with people of a certain race instead of another, so I think that there's nothing wrong with preferring to be with natal women/men and passable TSs instead of less-than-passable and pre-op TSs. But societies need to get to a point where "passing" simply means being more or less masculine or feminine, instead of hiding something. Mixed race people no longer have to hide, so no one has to "pass as white" anymore.
Based solely on your avatar pic, I think that you are easily one of the five most passable trans women that I've ever seen, so you're already the envy of most of the community. On top of that, you're more beautiful than 90% of all women, by any standard. The guys who reject you because you're TS are losers, literally. How many will end-up with natal women who look as good as you do? YOU should be sorry for THEIR loss. Maybe, in the future, you might try throwing a guy's bigotry back in his face by mentioning some of the things that I've said.
