Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 08:20:31 PM
I don't know how to reply individually.

Look, I can't transition. I would never pass and can't stand being stigmatized as freak. My family would disown me, I would be kicked out on the street in a bad economy, I have nothing to fall back on. All I hear from other trans people is how there is only suicide or transition. Why do you all say that?

To reply individually, just hit the "quote" button on the post you are replying to.

Quote from: Jamie D on June 27, 2012, 09:13:37 PM
Kayla, I would urge you to stick around.  Have you looked at our "Non-OP" forum.

There are many reasons why some TG people can't, or won't go as far as surgery.

We also have quite a few genderqueer and androgynous members.  There is no surgery that can match their individual needs, in many cases.

Finding that happy medium between how you see yourself, and how you present, is not easy, but is not impossible either.  Join me over the the Androgyne forum.  Meet members like Ativan, AGfromMD, Edge, and several others who share a similar history as you.

And don't be discouraged!

Look, I do want to transition. My mom is my only hiccup, she has made me feel so bad about wanting this, that I have to stay a man. I don't want to be androgynous, nor do I want to really be part of the whole LGBT group. I want to be a real girl and not have anyone know that I ever was this way. If I won the lotto then I would move out in a heartbeat and get every op known to trans-kind. Until then I have to repress my feelings and they are driving me insane. You have all made you stance clear and I am happy for you, but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:23:15 PM

Look, I do want to transition. My mom is my only hiccup, she has made me feel so bad about wanting this, that I have to stay a man. I don't want to be androgynous, nor do I want to really be part of the whole LGBT group. I want to be a real girl and not have anyone know that I ever was this way. If I won the lotto then I would move out in a heartbeat and get every op known to trans-kind. Until then I have to repress my feelings and they are driving me insane. You have all made you stance clear and I am happy for you, but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.

I don't wanna seem rude but wat ur wanting is something no one is gonna be able to giv u. Ur wanting a miracle and be a real complete girl, that isn't gonna happen I'm sorry to hav had to tell u that, we all hav to accept the fact that we were born in a male body n the only way we can fix that is to take hormones and get srs

do you have any finacial independance atm? a part time job or anything ? you can always start taking hormones and getting electroylises now without your mother having to know

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:23:15 PM

Look, I do want to transition. My mom is my only hiccup, she has made me feel so bad about wanting this, that I have to stay a man. I don't want to be androgynous, nor do I want to really be part of the whole LGBT group. I want to be a real girl and not have anyone know that I ever was this way. If I won the lotto then I would move out in a heartbeat and get every op known to trans-kind. Until then I have to repress my feelings and they are driving me insane. You have all made you stance clear and I am happy for you, but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.

Some day you will get to be whoever and whatever you want to be.  You just need to set you mind to it, and not let hurdles stand in your way.  There are lots and lots of reasons for not doing anything, but there is only one reason for progressing - to be the real you.

To maintain your sanity, you should consider some partial measures.  That's not compromising on your dreams.  That is taking prudent first steps toward your goals.

And trust me on this one, for many of us nothing about our gender dysphoria is clear.  Many of us struggle and cope.

If you must leave, please remember your password and log-in i.d.  We are here if you need us.

Kayla,

This support site is just that a support site.  You may be a non-op for now, but that does not mean that you can not be here.  Vent, rant, rave.  We all do understand.

No one will make you transition.. Only you can make that choice.  Give yourself some breathing room.  If that means all you do is except that you are a woman in reality for now, then that is good.  You will make the choice to take the next step.

Sis.

Quote from: mementomori on June 27, 2012, 09:30:20 PM
do you have any finacial independance atm? a part time job or anything ? you can always start taking hormones and getting electroylises now without your mother having to know

No money, no job, no jobs available. I can't do that other stuff to myself. My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans. She was going to help me overcome my hurdles and she was free, and the hormones and electro was going to be free too. But my mom put a stop to that. I can still go back to Children's Hospital LA till I am 25 for free treatment, but I feel so weird about this whole lifestyle. I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history. I don't want to trade that to be seen as some frilly weirdo (even thought I just want to live as a normal girl).

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
No money, no job, no jobs available. I can't do that other stuff to myself. My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans. She was going to help me overcome my hurdles and she was free, and the hormones and electro was going to be free too. But my mom put a stop to that. I can still go back to Children's Hospital LA till I am 25 for free treatment, but I feel so weird about this whole lifestyle. I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history. I don't want to trade that to be seen as some frilly weirdo (even though I just want to live as a normal girl).

There are many hundreds of thousands of young people in the same situation you are in; hopefully, things will change after the election in November.

You have to decide what course you are going to take.  If being a "cool badass" makes you insane, then being a "frilly weirdo" might be an improvement.

Think about it.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
No money, no job, no jobs available. I can't do that other stuff to myself. My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans. She was going to help me overcome my hurdles and she was free, and the hormones and electro was going to be free too. But my mom put a stop to that. I can still go back to Children's Hospital LA till I am 25 for free treatment, but I feel so weird about this whole lifestyle. I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history. I don't want to trade that to be seen as some frilly weirdo (even thought I just want to live as a normal girl).

free electroylises ?? id defiantly jump on that i spent probably 8 thousand dollars or more on it

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
My therapist said that I am internally transphobic and I will never accept myself if I don't face the reality that I am trans.

I wouldn't of called myself transphobic but trans sure wasn't something I wanted to be. Actually no one really is.

I can still remember a few months back when I was talking to my therapist and said "I am trans..." It wasn't the first time. But something magical happened hearing myself say it out loud that time. There was no shame in it Wow! What a difference a couple of years make

Girls do all those 'badass' things you like to do.

Transition isn't overnight. You are an adult; so your mom has no legal basis to prohibiting you from beginning your journey to be the girl you want to be.

No one here will force you to take any particular path, but it does pain us if someone comes in and just gives up. You have a good therapy and electrolysis situation? Jump on them. I was a late bloomer and spent over $20,000 on electrolysis. The longer one shaves, the harder it seems to become.

Will you have some losses? Friends, family, church, work? Maybe so. Can you overcome that and find happiness? You betcha.

Hear a lot of opinions here? Take what you need and leave the rest.

Best wishes, Kayla.

Granny Robyn

Hey Kayla❤

Reading your story made me realise how similar we are.  I can also safely assume there are others like you who are reading them right now

It takes a lot of courage to come out to yourself, speak to people, let alone start on hormones.  The fact that you are here, sharing, shows how important is it for you to make people know that you exist and you like most of us were unfortunate to be born in the wrong body.

We live in a very modern world, with medical science, anything is possible, you will have to stop worrying about other people, including your mum and do the right thing that is going to ultimately make you happy.  Your mum or anyone for that matter is not going to be here when you're older regretting you didn't do this earlier.  This decision must come from you.  There's no one here that will be able to give you what you want until you decide this for yourself.

One other important factor that you need to remember is that no one here chooses to be TG, we have taken this step to medically alter what is given and live the way we want.  If you believe that this is impossible then there wouldn't be any TGs, any of us let alone this forum.

Please also remember that you've already come past the first few steps, you cross-dressed, talked to your friend, even spoken to a therapist that confirmed that you're a transsexual.  So why are you worried?  It's a condition and there's help from everywhere.

I only wished that there was someone that I came out to, or even spoken to through this forum, and didn't go down the road of pretending to be gay only later to realise that I cannot hide the fact of who I truly am.  So you know, I've only been on HRT for just over two years...

Yes, it is going to be a huge challenge, but the end result would be so pleasing you'll be the happiest girl in a very short period.

Also, As some of the others who've mentioned here, you can decide if you want to be non-op like myself.  It is entirely up to you...

Take care,
G

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:23:15 PM
... but If you don't know how to make these feelings go away, or have a magic wand that makes me a real girl then I have to leave.

The feelings don't tend to go away. If they are causing you much pain, then if you feel transition isn't an option... you should probably learn to enjoy that pain. As someone who enjoys a lot of sorrow and negativity, it is certainly doable - but it that sort of thing tends to corrupt one's personality after a while.

Being as masculine as you can be wouldn't be the best way to deal with things, if you stay male. At least... I wouldn't think so. Being more metro or feminine would make the experience somewhat more enjoyable.

It's understandable why the people on this forum are pushing the transition idea - after all, most of us have regretting putting off transition for very similar reasons to the ones you have. Try to see that for what it is. I believe that you should do what you want to do, whatever that may be - and if you live to regret it, well... that's only a possibility, not a certainty.

I doubt I would have transitioned if I couldn't see myself as being passable. Because I am who I am, I would probably be a little anti-social for most of my life... I would have to tell one or two people about my "secret" and I would have to think of myself as some sort of martyr - sad, I know. But that's who I am, and it would make the experience, for me, less than hellish.

I wish you the best of luck, and you have my prayers.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 27, 2012, 09:47:22 PM
I am used to driving raceboats, race cars, and riding motocross as a semi pro. My family looks up to me and thinks I am the coolest badass in history.

Engaging in "macho" activities is typical behavior for someone suffering from gender dysphoria.

Quote from: UCBerkeleyPostop on June 28, 2012, 01:48:12 PM
Engaging in "macho" activities is typical behavior for someone suffering from gender dysphoria.

True that. Right before I cracked I did weights, thai boxing etc..

What made some of you feel ok about being trans? I feel like it's the worst thing I could be, I can't accept myself and I think that is where all my problems lye. It's like "Why me! Anyone else but this mans man." I don;t know what I did wrong to think this way, its been with me before I could remember. Ugh! I am such a sad sack right now, this is no way to live, in constant misery.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  However I did not have a choice in the matter.  I  just have to deal with it.

But as I think about it, some children are born with cleft pallets, no limbs, heart problems from the beginning.  This is just another birth defect.  All are repairable through medicine.

I quit asking "Why?" and began to look into how.  When I made the choice to transition and began it, I began to feel less miserable.  And as time went on, after four years, I am happy I made this journey.

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 28, 2012, 05:53:47 PM
What made some of you feel ok about being trans? I feel like it's the worst thing I could be, I can't accept myself and I think that is where all my problems lye. It's like "Why me! Anyone else but this mans man."

Accepting myself as trans was a relief for me, because before that I thought I was some sort of weird pervert and nothing much made sense in my inner psyche. Once I realised I wasn't alone, that my "perverted" thoughts were actually pretty normal as far as women go, and that my experience was shared by millions of others, had a name and a diagnosis, I actually felt pretty good about myself. THEN there was the fear of what others might think, but that is a separate issue entirely.

It's especially difficult to accept one's femininity when we live in a society that looks down on femininity as some kind of weakness. There is nothing weak about being yourself though. At the community centre here they have a poster:

"Are you MAN enough to be a WOMAN?"

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on June 28, 2012, 07:23:55 PM
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  However I did not have a choice in the matter.  I  just have to deal with it.

Amen! 

Finally for real dealing with "it" ended so much pain and allowed me to find joy and even some passion in my life. The more you deal with it, the less pain there is. I guess that is how you sort of get to be OK about being trans. It still sucks but you aren't being eaten away from the inside

Quote from: Kayla❤ on June 28, 2012, 05:53:47 PM
What made some of you feel ok about being trans? I feel like it's the worst thing I could be, I can't accept myself and I think that is where all my problems lye. It's like "Why me! Anyone else but this mans man." I don;t know what I did wrong to think this way, its been with me before I could remember. Ugh! I am such a sad sack right now, this is no way to live, in constant misery.

I am what I am, and I think I'm a pretty cool person, sometimes. Yeah, it sucks - being on hormones helps alleviate a lot of the pain, though. For me... most of it. Even if it's a low dose, there is some (or a lot of) benefit to it, psychologically.

I don't think I could have come to peace with it if I didn't transition, to be honest. Aside from the learning to enjoy misery bit - and that isn't peace!

I hope things turn out for you.