I think we give Jamie a form of peaceful meditation to let her soul breathe.

Such generosity humbles me.

Really bad one coming here...

There was an alien, who landed on Earth. His goal was to learn more about the English language. His first stop was the opera house. He overheard one of the singers warming up in their dressing room singing "Me me me me me"
Next he went to a restaurant. He sat at the table and watched the waiter explain to a child what the utensils were, "These are forks and knives" The alien caught the words "forks and knives"
After that he went to a rodeo. Over there he heard a cowboy yelling, "Yeeeeeeeeehawww!"
Next he went to the airport to learn new words elsewhere in the country. So while he was in the airport he overheard the words "Take Off" as the plane was ready for take off.
He then went to a Zoo where the Zebra section was very popular. He asked a French man who happened to be nearby what that creature was called in English. The answer was "Zebra".
Learning that word, he took a trip to the Hospital. He saw all the babies in the hospital. One of the ladies exclaimed, "My baby!" and the alien picked up the word "Baby".
As he was leaving the hospital he saw a man who had just been killed.
Since the alien seemed very interested in the dead man the police who were there asked him, "Do you know who killed this man"?
The alien replied, "Me me me me me!"
The police were astonished and then asked it how he killed him.
The alien replied, "Forks and knives".
The police arrested the alien and told him, "You're going to jail!"
And the alien replied, "Yeeeeeeeeeehawwww"!!!
Baffled, the arresting officer asked, "Well do you have anything to say in your defense?"
The alien replied, "Take-off ze-bra baby!"

I can't take many more gut shots like that, Alexis.

Quote from: Jamie D on August 12, 2012, 05:35:08 PMI can't take many more gut shots like that, Alexis.

What?!? Sure you can

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

Please direct all hostility over there *points elsewhere*

Headlines?  Head lines!

kid walks up to his father  says "dad can I have 20 bucks for a ->-bleeped-<-"..... Father replies "I dont know son... are you any good?"

What do you call a coward colonialist who captures a Redcoat?

Chicken Catch-a-Tory! 

Your jokes are getting better, Humble Savant



Barely

There's two fish in a tank

One says to the other, "You man the gun, I'll drive"

Quote from: Your Humble Savant on August 13, 2012, 01:11:17 PM
What do you call a coward colonialist who captures a Redcoat?

Chicken Catch-a-Tory! 

You make me proud!

Quote from: Jamie D on August 13, 2012, 01:19:35 PM
Your jokes are getting better, Humble Savant

Thanks Jamie! Glad I'm contributing to your day 

Wouldn't want you to feel PUNished by any of these jokes 

Just, just, just end the agony.
Please.

Quote from: Jamie D on August 14, 2012, 01:27:07 PM
Just, just, just end the agony.
Please.

Problem with your knee?

What goes:

Bellow, bellow, have you any soup plates?

A bull in a china shop.

Quote from: Padma on August 14, 2012, 01:37:25 PM
What goes:

Bellow, bellow, have you any soup plates?

A bull in a china shop.

I don't know why, but I about fell out of my chair at this one 

Fifth time I've tried to post this, maybe the thread has taste after all?

A giant panda walked into a restaurant. He ordered dinner, ate it, and then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. Terrified, the manager emerged from the kitchen as the panda was walking out the door.

     "Hey!" he yelled. "You just shot my waiter. Where do you think you're going?"

     The animal replied calmly, "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary."

     When the panda was gone, the manager grabbed the dictionary. Sure enough, under panda it said: "Furry mammal. Native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

I'd have so many bad jokes but most of them make sense only in Finnish.
But here's one:

A man went into a bar with a Golden Retriever and of course, the bartender came to him and said dogs aren't allowed in the bar.
The man with the dog replied: "But this is my guide dog, I'm blind."
The bartender apologized and offered the first drink on the house.
Then another man came to the bar but he had a Chihuahua with him.
The first man with the Retriever gave him a hint: "You can't bring dogs in here unless it's a guide dog."
The one with the Chihuahua thanked him and ordered a drink. The bartender noticed the tiny dog and said dogs aren't allowed in the bar, again.
"But I'm blind and this is my guide dog." the man with the Chihuahua said.
The bartender looked very suspicious and replied: "I don't think I believe. Chihuahuas aren't guide dogs."
And then, the man said:
"What the hell? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"