What a great question!

And the obvious answer is 'Yes', I really f***in' hate it. More than anything I wish I'd been born a girl. Next to that I wish I'd had the courage, or freedom, or whatever it took to transition when I was still young enough to make a great job of it and live my whole life as a woman. If I could have started on hormones at 15, I would have ... and who knows what might have happened then?

Failing that, I wish I'd been a regular, boring guy-who's-happy-to-be-a-guy. I wish I could have enjoyed the male body nature gave me, because it's a pretty good body, if you like or want that kind of thing. You girls will understand the irony when I say I was born with a cock any 'normal' guy would kill for ... Damn thing was wasted on me - I'd have killed not have been bothered with it at all!

So that's the 'hate' side of the ledger ... but then I have to look at my life as a whole ...

In every other way, I've been incredibly blessed. I've had interesting, creative, challenging work all my life. I have wonderful friends. Above all I married a fantastic, beautiful, incredibly tolerant woman with whom I've had three great children. The last of those children is the reason I'm STILL postponing transition ... he's 14, just at an age when he's coming to terms with his own identity and sexuality. He's had to live through some serious family crises in the past few years and as a parent, one of the people who brought him into this world, I just think it would be wrong to add to his problems. If that means sacrificing or at least postponing my most heartfelt desires, well, that's part of the deal of being a parent: you put your kids first.

My point is, we all have to see ourselves and our lives in the round. I know I'm transsexual. My wife knows ... most of my closest friends know. I'm not ashamed of it, though I am ashamed of the grief my wife has had to suffer in our marriage because of it (though there has been love, joy and fun in our lives as well) ... I just try to accept that it's the one major problem in a life that's otherwise incredibly privileged. Other people have things far, far worse.

So, yes, I wish I wasn't transsexual. But do I hate my life? Absolutely not.

No, I don't HATE it, it is my life after all --- sure as hell it makes me sad, very sad at times.
Like today... YOGA had got me in touch with some "stuff" and then Sinatra's "I did it my way" never fails to bath me in tears.

Feeling like some hormonal mess, I keep crying... it happens.

No, but hate, no I don't like that, don't want to either...

Sometimes we just need to be hugged... a girl thing? Maybe.

Axélle

You put it well Carlita. 

I know some of you may think that I'm just screwing around with gender, so I better explain why I need to transition in my own way.  You may think this is foolish, but I really don't care at this point.

Due to a mid life bout with alcohol my wife and I were close to seperating about twenty years ago, but we have two adult children who are my "everything".  I quit drinking and we are still happily married.  To continue, one is married and his wife is expecting any day, but the other boy is stuggling to move along.  He has a fairly serious speach impediment from an accident when he was two, and since he tried and failed to control his speach it's effected his social comfort and caused depression.  He is quite brilliant, and has wonderful friends that support him and keep him in their group no matter what he does to piss them off.  I love him so much, but feel so GOD DAMNED RESPONSIBLE for the accident that caused his problems.  I will do anything for him, and would die before I hurt either of my children.  This pain has been with me for 24 years, and I think about it every time I talk to my son.  His life from that point has shaped my life, and it just hurts and never goes away.  And soon I need to tell him about my transition.  I know others have bigger problems, but sometimes I want to say F it all and find someplace to hide.

->-bleeped-<-.  I haven't cried in over a month and now I can't stop.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

Quote from: kathy b on August 24, 2012, 10:45:42 AM
You put it well Carlita. 

I know some of you may think that I'm just screwing around with gender, so I better explain why I need to transition in my own way.  You may think this is foolish, but I really don't care at this point.

Due to a mid life bout with alcohol my wife and I were close to seperating about twenty years ago, but we have two adult children who are my "everything".  I quit drinking and we are still happily married.  To continue, one is married and his wife is expecting any day, but the other boy is stuggling to move along.  He has a fairly serious speach impediment from an accident when he was two, and since he tried and failed to control his speach it's effected his social comfort and caused depression.  He is quite brilliant, and has wonderful friends that support him and keep him in their group no matter what he does to piss them off.  I love him so much, but feel so GOD DAMNED RESPONSIBLE for the accident that caused his problems.  I will do anything for him, and would die before I hurt either of my children.  This pain has been with me for 24 years, and I think about it every time I talk to my son.  His life from that point has shaped my life, and it just hurts and never goes away.  And soon I need to tell him about my transition.  I know others have bigger problems, but sometimes I want to say F it all and find someplace to hide.

->-bleeped-<-.  I haven't cried in over a month and now I can't stop.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

No need to apologize, Kathy. If you can't vent to your sisters on Susan's, where can you? And thanks for being so sweet about my post! x

PS: My heart went out to you when I read about your son. I know only too well how terrible it is to live with ones children's afflictions and how desperately responsible one feels. Just let him know that he is loved. In the end, that's what really counts.

Thank you Carlita.  But I had no right to vent like that.  Now after reading my post again it seems full of self pitty, self indulgence and stupidity.  So thanks for overlooking my faults.

It's time to get out of the house and keep busy doing yard work. 

Kathy: you had every right to vent like that.  Sometimes, these are the only avenues we have available to us.  Don't be afraid to avail yourself of them if you need them : )

Double plus thumbs up for your vent Kathy. You've got every right to express your anguish and frustration, one of the lovely things about Susan's seems to be that we've all had to go AAARRRRRGGGHHH! at some point and everyone seems to recognise that and understand.

Love,

Rosie

Hate hurts the hater not the hated

Quote from: kathy b on August 24, 2012, 10:45:42 AM
You put it well Carlita. 

I know some of you may think that I'm just screwing around with gender, so I better explain why I need to transition in my own way.  You may think this is foolish, but I really don't care at this point.

Due to a mid life bout with alcohol my wife and I were close to seperating about twenty years ago, but we have two adult children who are my "everything".  I quit drinking and we are still happily married.  To continue, one is married and his wife is expecting any day, but the other boy is stuggling to move along.  He has a fairly serious speach impediment from an accident when he was two, and since he tried and failed to control his speach it's effected his social comfort and caused depression.  He is quite brilliant, and has wonderful friends that support him and keep him in their group no matter what he does to piss them off.  I love him so much, but feel so GOD DAMNED RESPONSIBLE for the accident that caused his problems.  I will do anything for him, and would die before I hurt either of my children.  This pain has been with me for 24 years, and I think about it every time I talk to my son.  His life from that point has shaped my life, and it just hurts and never goes away.  And soon I need to tell him about my transition.  I know others have bigger problems, but sometimes I want to say F it all and find someplace to hide.

->-bleeped-<-.  I haven't cried in over a month and now I can't stop.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.

Be very very glad you got to spend your life with your children.. Some of us haven't that fortune 

Quote from: Amazon D on August 24, 2012, 04:29:41 PM
Hate hurts the hater not the hated

Yes, the irony of this is not lost on me.

Thank you Erica, Rosie and Amazon D.  Some emotional stuff is happening on HRT that I didn't expect.  But we all need criticism also, otherwise we can't correct our faults and grow.  So to all of you, call me on it if the rants aren't justified or seem misplaced.

Oh yeah.  And tell me if it's off track like it is here.  This is supposed to be "Do you hate being transsexual".   My straight froward answer is:  I'd take the cure tomorrow if they had one.  Just to be male or female, 100% with no dysphoria.

Love, K

Quote from: Amazon D on August 24, 2012, 04:29:41 PM
Hate hurts the hater not the hated

Well put.  As I was taught, "Time wounds all heels".
  Joelene

Quote from: kathy b on August 24, 2012, 04:51:23 PM
This is supposed to be "Do you hate being transsexual".   My straight froward answer is:  I'd take the cure tomorrow if they had one.  Just to be male or female, 100% with no dysphoria.

Love, K

This.

But I'd take the magic pill that gives you a perfect instant overnight transition even faster! 

It took me a couple of days to read through all of this because I still have a lot of self-imposed trauma around this issue.  To be honest, if I still hated being transsexual, I'd be dead. Self-acceptance was probably the biggest shift in my life and learning to love myself was an even bigger step. Experiencing the unconditional love and support from my family and friends is something I could never imagine or dream of and I'll never be able to adequately express it in words.

Being trans* has had it's ups and downs, and transition is at least a hassle and a half. But it beats the shame, fear, loss and grief, the products of my self-hatred, that would have ended me. Transitioning in my mid-30s while watching all the young and amazing women on this site push through it as if it were nothing can get me down. Could I have done this 20 years ago? Well no, or I would have. So lamenting that is a waste of time for me. Do I think it's easier to transition today than it was 20 years ago? Possibly, probably. Would I like a do-over? Sure! Am I grateful that I'm able to transition and that it's been as good as it has been so far? Very much so.

One thing I have noticed Kathy is that instead of taking ages to get upset about something and then stewing over it for days, since starting HRT I blow up and then it is all over.  It is a lot less tiring to deal with things this way.
According to a dear friend, it is just another sign that I am a woman. So, I don't argue with my girlfriends. 

Karen.

Quote from: ShawnaB on August 25, 2012, 05:28:27 AM
To be honest, if I still hated being transsexual, I'd be dead.

I'm not dead for various reasons.

I feel honor-bound to help my ex-wife pay off our shared debt, and I'm fairly certain that my life insurance policy (which still names her as the beneficiary due to said shared debt) would be null and void if I killed myself.

I'm also not dead because I think my kids would be greatly harmed by my death, especially if it was suicide.

I'm in a really strange place. I'm both happier and unhappier than I've ever been in my entire life right now.

Yep.
It's not really the difficulty of transitioning that I can't stand, but how much it's going to cost me.
If I ever can fully transition and do, then I won't mind it. I mean sure, I might not be a fan of my past but if I can live the rest of my life without that in my way then that's okay.

Well, that and having to tell all my family "oh hey. Look. I have boobs. I'm a woman. Get used to it."

The problem is I'm a pretty happy person. I just hate going anywhere outside of the house because I feel like the outside world is a gigantic mirror.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on August 24, 2012, 04:58:39 AM
You are lucky you had people to help you. I've felt completely alone and without support (both in a medical and personal capacity) which has been the hardest part of being transsexual.

I had very little help when I began transition. In fact, I was actively persecuted by the Mormon church. My family threw me out. My church threw me out.  And the company where I worked threw me out.  When you're that low, the only direction you can go is up.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on August 25, 2012, 11:35:46 PM
I had very little help when I began transition. In fact, I was actively persecuted by the Mormon church. My family threw me out. My church threw me out.  And the company where I worked threw me out.  When you're that low, the only direction you can go is up.

I no longer associate with my "birth family"; but the family I've made - my wife, my daughter, and my best friend (my ex-wife) are all incredibly helpful and supportive.  I'm not big on church, my parents didn't go so I only went if I was with my grandparents; and now I attend a couple of times a year with my mother/father-in law only.  As far as the company I work for - that's still up in the air at the moment.  My boss seems to be trying to understand, but the majority owner I think would prefer if I sought life elsewhere. 

I've received plenty of support here, from my therapist, and the couple of friends I've told so between them and my family I consider myself lucky.  I can't imagine trying to have pursued transitioning with no support - I'm not sure that I could've done that.

Madison

I don't hate being TG (or TS if the two are mutually exclusive) but I do hate that other people fear or despise me. I just don't understand how any human being can hate another for having been born with a condition that needs correcting. All my life I've been both boy and girl, happily watching rugby on TV when there was a big game on, playing with toy cars and trucs in the sand, or playing house with dolls and dressing up. I am who I am. I don't hate myself, I just wish when I was a teenager I'd had the courage to tell people why I was being beaten up at school rather than make excuses and trying harder to be male. But I don't hate who I am, and I think my transition will be wonderful, I'm already finally being able to express myself the way that feels most natural. Now I just avoid people who hate me for a condition I was born with that needs correcting.