Quote from: Alainaluvsu on August 30, 2012, 11:32:31 PM
You know... tbh the haters don't bother me nearly as much as the ones that accept you but cannot get the pronouns right. The haters I can write off as "oh they're just being douchey". The ones that accept it and slip up often, I start worrying if I pass and if anybody will ever accept me as female (basically doubting myself), and that hurts more than any intentional haterism. Intentional haterism I can mock and make someone look stupid, but the accepting ones it's harder because they're generally nice people... they just slip up!!

Fortunately I never had to deal with any haters but the slip-ups were bad. It does eventually stop happening. The last time for me was about 3 years ago when my mom for some odd reason called me by my old name. Luckily no-one was around to hear it.

The slip-ups are bad and they leave deep-seated scars and it seems impossible for others to comprehend how bad it feels when it happens. I tried to explain it but it was almost like describing the color red to a person born blind. For me the slip-ups always nullified my progress. People would always tell me I shouldn't let it get to me because it's so hard to remember to get it right every time. I found this statement extremely troublesome because what it really implies is that they were just humoring me to be nice. ie. they still saw me as male but they were nice enough to substitute what was to them the naturally appropriate pronouns for the ones that would please me. I always thought that once I looked, sounded and acted female it wouldn't take a conscious effort to get it right, but people would still get it wrong even years after this had happened. I've had friends that changed their name for some reason or another, and even though I made a slip-up or two in the beginning it didn't take me years of hard concentration and effort to get it right, so what's up with these people? Is it them or am I just delusional?

Like I said, eventually it stopped, but some sort of irreparable damage seems to have been done. Still it happens that I hear someone that knew me from before refer to me with the proper pronoun and I can't help but wonder if they are for real or they've just gotten so good at it they never slip-up anymore.

Quote from: MariaMx on August 31, 2012, 08:54:33 AM
Fortunately I never had to deal with any haters but the slip-ups were bad. It does eventually stop happening. The last time for me was about 3 years ago when my mom for some odd reason called me by my old name. Luckily no-one was around to hear it.

The slip-ups are bad and they leave deep-seated scars and it seems impossible for others to comprehend how bad it feels when it happens. I tried to explain it but it was almost like describing the color red to a person born blind. For me the slip-ups always nullified my progress. People would always tell me I shouldn't let it get to me because it's so hard to remember to get it right every time. I found this statement extremely troublesome because what it really implies is that they were just humoring me to be nice. ie. they still saw me as male but they were nice enough to substitute what was to them the naturally appropriate pronouns for the ones that would please me. I always thought that once I looked, sounded and acted female it wouldn't take a conscious effort to get it right, but people would still get it wrong even years after this had happened. I've had friends that changed their name for some reason or another, and even though I made a slip-up or two in the beginning it didn't take me years of hard concentration and effort to get it right, so what's up with these people? Is it them or am I just delusional?

Like I said, eventually it stopped, but some sort of irreparable damage seems to have been done. Still it happens that I hear someone that knew me from before refer to me with the proper pronoun and I can't help but wonder if they are for real or they've just gotten so good at it they never slip-up anymore.

You hit it. 100% perfect explanation of how it feels and what it's like. Some people like family that's known me my entire life, it doesn't bother me as much. But people that do it that have only known me for like a couple months pre transition... those are the ones that hurt me the most. And when I finally popped... everyone was scared to even talk to me, which is pretty sad because they ARE very accepting (or at least tolerant). But it's so frustrating that every time a new class comes onto clinicals, I have to deal with that new class getting to know to use the right pronouns because they all know I was born male. I just get fed up with ... ok the old class got the hang of getting the pronouns right, now I have to deal with another class in trying to get them right. After that will be another class... I AM SO READY TO GRADUATE... I'm moving to New Orleans after I get licensed

I have delt with 1 hater... and she stopped hating after the entire class jumped on her before I could even respond. It was pretty touching. She even started calling me she the next day.

Quote from: MariaMx on August 31, 2012, 08:54:33 AM
Fortunately I never had to deal with any haters but the slip-ups were bad. It does eventually stop happening. The last time for me was about 3 years ago when my mom for some odd reason called me by my old name. Luckily no-one was around to hear it.

The slip-ups are bad and they leave deep-seated scars and it seems impossible for others to comprehend how bad it feels when it happens. I tried to explain it but it was almost like describing the color red to a person born blind. For me the slip-ups always nullified my progress. People would always tell me I shouldn't let it get to me because it's so hard to remember to get it right every time. I found this statement extremely troublesome because what it really implies is that they were just humoring me to be nice. ie. they still saw me as male but they were nice enough to substitute what was to them the naturally appropriate pronouns for the ones that would please me. I always thought that once I looked, sounded and acted female it wouldn't take a conscious effort to get it right, but people would still get it wrong even years after this had happened. I've had friends that changed their name for some reason or another, and even though I made a slip-up or two in the beginning it didn't take me years of hard concentration and effort to get it right, so what's up with these people? Is it them or am I just delusional?

Like I said, eventually it stopped, but some sort of irreparable damage seems to have been done. Still it happens that I hear someone that knew me from before refer to me with the proper pronoun and I can't help but wonder if they are for real or they've just gotten so good at it they never slip-up anymore.

I know it must suck to be referred to by the wrong pronoun, but just try not to let it get to you. People make mistakes and while, frankly, a few years is a bit much, people who knew you have memories of you from before transition, affecting what they say.

For example, I wanted to say to my friend, "Hey, can you hand me a knife to cut this orange with?" However, I was hungry and I was thinking about cheese, so I said "Hey, can you hand me that cheese to cut this orange with?"

My point is that thoughts can affect people's words and I'm sure they're not trying to hurt you, so don't let their past mistakes hurt you. Transition is a difficult change for you and everyone in your life, so if it takes time for us to adapt, we shouldn't expect our loved ones to have any easier time.

As for people that knew you for a couple of months, I don't know what to say to that.

Quote from: DianaP on August 31, 2012, 09:36:17 AM
I know it must suck to be referred to by the wrong pronoun, but just try not to let it get to you. People make mistakes and while, frankly, a few years is a bit much, people who knew you have memories of you from before transition, affecting what they say.

I totally get that this happens in the beginning, but what I found so troubling was how my concerns were sort of dismissed when I brought it up. I always got the distinct impression they thought I was merely after token gesture on their part. It wasn't the fact that they couldn't always remember to get it right that bothered me so much. What really bothered me was that they had to make a conscious effort to get it right. If they can only get it right by a feat of strength then they aren't really seeing me as female, and if they aren't seeing me as female then my conclusion is that I've failed in my transition. It's not really about them, it's about me, and this distinction is for some reason very hard to get across to people. It wasn't the sound of the word "he" that got me so upset, it was the implication of it being used and the inability of people to understand why it upset me that was the real problem. I mean, why would they keep saying he if I come off as female? You'd think getting it right then would be a spinal reflex.

Quote
For example, I wanted to say to my friend, "Hey, can you hand me a knife to cut this orange with?" However, I was hungry and I was thinking about cheese, so I said "Hey, can you hand me that cheese to cut this orange with?"

Thar's the Freudian slip and it is exactly what I'm talking about. In their mind they are thinking "male" and get it wrong if they aren't consciously making an effort.

But like I said, eventually it stopped happening, but I can't help but wonder sometimes they truly see me as female or if I'm just in the presence of grand masters.

Quote from: MariaMx on August 31, 2012, 10:11:08 AM
I totally get that this happens in the beginning, but what I found so troubling was how my concerns were sort of dismissed when I brought it up. I always got the distinct impression they thought I was merely after token gesture on their part. It wasn't the fact that they couldn't always remember to get it right that bothered me so much. What really bothered me was that they had to make a conscious effort to get it right. If they can only get it right by a feat of strength then they aren't really seeing me as female, and if they aren't seeing me as female then my conclusion is that I've failed in my transition. It's not really about them, it's about me, and this distinction is for some reason very hard to get across to people. It wasn't the sound of the word "he" that got me so upset, it was the implication of it being used and the inability of people to understand why it upset me that was the real problem. I mean, why would they keep saying he if I come off as female? You'd think getting it right then would be a spinal reflex.

Alright, I understand what you're saying. I'm sure you didn't fail in your transition. If you want to be sure, just walk outside around some strangers and see what they say. I guess you do have a point in that they don't see you as female, but to be fair, changing your gender is a pretty big sandbag to slap someone with.

In reference to how others view you, my loved ones have said the same thing in terms of getting used to the change. They said that I would be changing my entire identity, which would be a significant change. I can understand that. One of the hardest things for people to do when they love you is to let you go, and letting go of the person they came to love and accepting another identity 100% is rather difficult. Just my opinion, but if my loved ones could let the old me go easily, I would be a bit worried, but that's just me. I suppose the only thing I can say is to not take it with such sensitivity.

A better word (for me anyways) would be need. I NEED to transition to even have the desire to live. I feel as though nearly all the problems I've had in life stem from that need. I have always struggled with depression and self-confidence because of the way I felt about myself. I've never seen myself as one of the guys, as being anything but ugly, scrawny, and awkward. Though I have at least an above-average intelligence, I've never applied myself and failed classes just from sheer lack of effort, I never felt like there was a point, I just hated myself. Now that I know why, I know transitioning is the only chance I have at ever being truly happy.

Quote from: kristin? on August 31, 2012, 08:40:30 PM
A better word (for me anyways) would be need. I NEED to transition to even have the desire to live. I feel as though nearly all the problems I've had in life stem from that need. I have always struggled with depression and self-confidence because of the way I felt about myself. I've never seen myself as one of the guys, as being anything but ugly, scrawny, and awkward. Though I have at least an above-average intelligence, I've never applied myself and failed classes just from sheer lack of effort, I never felt like there was a point, I just hated myself. Now that I know why, I know transitioning is the only chance I have at ever being truly happy.

Just remember that you shouldn't pin a lot of things wrong in your life to you not having transitioned. I would say prepare for the worst, and accept that transition may make other things in your life worse.

Quote from: SilentOwls on August 31, 2012, 10:10:06 PM
Just remember that you shouldn't pin a lot of things wrong in your life to you not having transitioned. I would say prepare for the worst, and accept that transition may make other things in your life worse.

Agreed. If you do this, it would only hurt more if things aren't perfect after transition.

Quote from: SilentOwls on August 31, 2012, 10:10:06 PM
Just remember that you shouldn't pin a lot of things wrong in your life to you not having transitioned. I would say prepare for the worst, and accept that transition may make other things in your life worse.

Trust me, I don't go into anything expecting everything to be sunshine and rainbows, I'm more pessimistic than most :\
I expected half my friends to just shun me after coming out to them, but thankfully they have been really accepting. My family is another matter entirely, being all conservative Republican southern Christian. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if they just disowned me once they find out. I worry all the time that I won't be able to afford my trachea shave after hormone therapy takes effect and I'll look like a really feminine guy or a masculine girl with an Addams apple. I'm worried my complete inability to gain any weight my whole life means I won't be able to grow breast, so I'll either be flat-chested or need implants, which is another cost I really don't need. Mostly I'm worried no one will ever want to be with me because of my complicated medical history. Despite all that, I know this is what I want, I've known for quite a while, and I know I'll try my damned hardest to make it work. Because I tried hiding it away, and I couldn't. My life would be so much easier if I could just stay the same, but I can't. I need to be myself, and that's who I'm going to be, through thick or thin.

I want to be happy and live my life the way I was supposed to.


I am seriously afraid to death to age like an old man, I would have killed myself before I became 30 if I had not found out about HRT.



So for me there is no choice, transition or die.. Thats how it is!

I don't really think you need to justify it. I don't understand why people always want a "why" to everything.

"Why are people transgender?" should be answered with: "Why are people cisgender?"

It's just like that. Why does it need a reason?

Quote from: DianaP on August 29, 2012, 01:11:50 PM
I was asked this question by one of my friends I came out to. I honestly thought it was hard enough to come out, so I didn't feel like I wanted to nor needed to justify my decision. However, I thought about this question later and couldn't come up with a reason besides "I just do." There is no concrete reason as to why I want to transition; I just do. I don't like having a penis, but I don't hate it so much as to get surgery to convert it. (I really fear surgery and I can't afford to be out of commission for recovery since I want to be a firefighter, nor can I afford thousands of dollars for it.) Anyway, I've been feeling lately that there must be something wrong with me since I really can't think of a reason to transition besides just wanting to. I want to be a girl, but just can't think of an arbitrary reason as to why.

What do you all think? Do you have a reason to transition? Is there something wrong with me? I could really use some advice.

Thanks in advance.

I never wanted to be female or to transition, I just wanted my life back.  Although it was a conundrum I had always been female, understanding on a knowledge level that I had always been female, having nothing concrete to point to, took some faith but I had nothing to loose and I never would have had anything to loose had I not transitioned.

Once I began transitioning I felt like for the first time in my life I existed.

Quote from: DianaP on August 31, 2012, 09:36:17 AM
I know it must suck to be referred to by the wrong pronoun, but just try not to let it get to you. People make mistakes and while, frankly, a few years is a bit much, people who knew you have memories of you from before transition, affecting what they say.

First impressions tend to be the ones that last.

Unless people find out you transitioned later, then all bets are off the table because people will most often see that first impression as having been fooled and their egos won't let them forget that slight.

Cause i dont feel connected to my body. When ever i look at it i sigh and wish i could change. Il get there someday:)

Im not sure I "wanted" to transition, for me it just seemed like an inevitable thing and so far the process has been a very organic one. To the point that Im not even sure how long I've been "full-time" My identity has just kind of unfolded and developed in the way it was always going to. I am happier now than I have ever been though, so no matter how I look at it, it's been a fundamentally positive experience
I should point out though, I live in a very liberal, non-religious and well educated 1st world country with (almost) free hrt and monitoring (I think I pay about 1:50$ per month) I believe I pass well enough to blend and I have yet to meet a friend or family member who hasn't been completely accepting so yeah... I count myself as intensely lucky to have, so far, had such an easy time.

Quote from: MariaMx on August 31, 2012, 10:11:08 AM
It wasn't the fact that they couldn't always remember to get it right that bothered me so much. What really bothered me was that they had to make a conscious effort to get it right. If they can only get it right by a feat of strength then they aren't really seeing me as female, and if they aren't seeing me as female then my conclusion is that I've failed in my transition.

Hmm ... I think you're being too hard on other people, and yourself. We're all creatures of habit, and that applies to the names we give things. For years we had a black labrador at home. He died and we got a new labrador. It's a different dog. It's a different colour to the old dog - chocolate-brown instead of black. And it's a really sweet dog, too, that I really like. But dammit, after four years I still occasionally call it by the old dog's name.

It's not because I'm thoughtless, or can't recognise that it's a different dog. It's just I spent about a dozen years calling out one name and my brain sometimes pulls it up again out of the memory-bank by mistake. That's just what happens - and the older a person gets the more often it's likely to happen. So I often have to make that conscious effort you describe, just to get the name right, and I'll sometimes stop myself just as I'm about to use the old one because I remember - oh, yeah, it's a different dog.

My point is, if a person has to take an effort to readjust to your new name and new status, it's not in any way a judgement on your transition or your femininity - any more than me getting its name wrong is a judgement on the dog. It's just an unfortunate quirk of the human brain.

I want to transition because I want people to see me as I really am.

I want to transition because I have finally been honest with myself about who I am, and having accepted a spiritual truth of my feminine nature, I want to relinquish my attachment to this male body, not to run from it, but to embrace it as it changes. I need to transcend this body, because I believe in my identity as a third sex - as something outside the restrictive binds of modern gender binary. That being said, I also simply want a more feminine body, I know in my heart its the right decision, and it is one that is made in acknowledgment of my spiritual self.

Quote from: Noah on September 02, 2012, 07:58:33 PM
I want to transition because I have finally been honest with myself about who I am, and having accepted a spiritual truth of my feminine nature, I want to relinquish my attachment to this male body, not to run from it, but to embrace it as it changes. I need to transcend this body, because I believe in my identity as a third sex - as something outside the restrictive binds of modern gender binary. That being said, I also simply want a more feminine body, I know in my heart its the right decision, and it is one that is made in acknowledgment of my spiritual self.

is that you in your display ? is so you look AMAZING , i also identify as a third sex too

Thanks! Yes, that is me in my avatar
nice to meet you!!