Dreams vs Reality

[Ltl89]

[This is an LTL rant, so don't expect anything productive]

One of the things that motivated me to move forward was that I would be able to live the life of my dreams.  That one day all of my fantasies that I had hoped for would become reality.  Of course, I wasn't so dumb and naive enough to consider that "everything" I've dreamt about would come true, but I did hope I'd get closer to my ideal life.  Besides, these fantasies were never really big to begin with.  I just wanted to look like any other normal girl and get to live a normal life just like most women do.  That's really all I want.  No big fireworks, just something simple.  A normal life as a girl.  That's all. 

Where am I?  Well after a few months on Estradiol (June) and Spironactalone (July), I don't know.  I look much more fem, but it's not where I'd hope to be at this point.  Sure, I know there will be some trans women that will say I'm better off than they were at this point and that I have the luck of youth on my side, but I want to see it too.  Yeah, I'm sure it could be worse and that the reality isn't as bleak as I make it.  Still that doesn't mean it couldn't be better.  The fact is I'm getting sick of this in between crap.  When is it going to end and when I'm I going to see a girl in the mirror at all times and not some of the time?  Why must I look like some boy-girl with boobs? My whole life I've felt that I'm a girl, yet I've never got to look or live like one.   It's debilitating and it's unfair.  Why can't I just pass and be pretty like genetic girls?  Why must it take so much time and effort to get where I want to be?  I'm no longer at the point where I'm afraid for the future and my passing potential  and yes, every month I see more and more progress (especially since my last dose increase); however, I'm sick of waiting to reach that point where I can achieve total male fail and can feel relieved about passing at all or most times. I just want to be there now and stop waiting for it to happen.

As far as acceptance from the people of my life, it's all so complicated.  I really don't feel like I have a support system at all.  To be honest, feel very much alone in my entire transition, and this is the time when I need support and acceptance the most.  I'm about to go part time (end of January) with no one on my side or anyone for me to reach out to in need.  How can I expect things to go well with strangers and the public when acceptance and support is so tentative or apathetic with those who are in my life.   It's just very hard.  To be honest, I'm terrified to go part time without any sort of support system and such little acceptance in my life.  It's really really frightening.  I'm not used to being on my own.  It's a very hard concept for me to grasp especially with this.  And I don't even know if I'll be ready at the end of January.  I really don't know.

I know everyone is going to say time and patience.  I get it.  Time and patience are required in order to pass.  And time and patience are required for family and others to come around and truly accept and embrace me as female. My life probably will sort out in time if I just had some patience.  However, I'm sick of the wait for everything.  I can't do it any longer.   I want things to start improving now.   I've waited long enough at this point.  I'm not giving up and will move forward regardless, but I just want the reality I face to start matching up to my dreams.  At least in some way and soon.  I've been dealing with this all lnog enough.   I just want to be able to have a normal life as a girl without the unnecessary drama and challenges that transitioning brings up.  The wait is making me miserable.  I need some kind of change or positive development soon, or I may just break down. Honestly, I'll never give up on my dream , but I have no idea on how to make it a reality. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Well said baby! Just remember, WE will never give up on you at all and love you a lot. Sounds like you need.......................................

[vlmitchell]

I've said before and I'll say again that the only way to move forward is to do so. Another way to say this would be "fake it 'till you make it".

Bullet list to get somewhere:
- Ignore hormone progress. They'll do what they'll do but in *no* way are they the most important part of transitioning.
- Dress like you want. You'll get it wrong at first but you'll at least be moving ahead.
- If you know that you're going to do this, just come out, maybe? To everyone, maybe? At least you'll be moving ahead.
- Do things that you've always wanted to do unless it's *actually* impossible right now.
- Make a financial plan for SRS (if you're going there) or electro (if you're going there) and starting making movement on it (even at $1 a day, if it's like that).
- Get out of the house. No. Really.
- Start living the life that you want no matter where you're at.

You may notice a lot of repetition of theme in that list. There's a reason for that, my dear.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

[This is an LTL rant, so don't expect anything productive]

One of the things that motivated me to move forward was that I would be able to live the life of my dreams.  That one day all of my fantasies that I had hoped for would become reality.  Of course, I wasn't so dumb and naive enough to consider that "everything" I've dreamt about would come true, but I did hope I'd get closer to my ideal life.  Besides, these fantasies were never really big to begin with.  I just wanted to look like any other normal girl and get to live a normal life just like most women do.  That's really all I want.  No big fireworks, just something simple.  A normal life as a girl.  That's all. 

Thats exactly how Id think about it too...
Sometimes its painful , I wont lie , looking at yourself in the mirror and crying its pretty much the worst thing...
I know we really cant do anything about it rather than be patience and believe in the future,,,

Im starting to do the things in victorias list...sure I wish hormones are going to work fast but I dont see a point in dressing as a guy...
I dunno its really confusing at that point...

I know I shouldnt but I have all my hopes in hormones...

[stephaniec]

hormones will work, some people on this site took 2 years to look the way they do

[sam79]

I could have made that post 4.5 months ago LTL, except that hormones weren't working for me at that point ( with T well into male range ). So you know, it could be worse.

Yes, that was an insanely hard time. I did anything and everything I could to make progress, and I was seeing a councilor weekly.

Thank god that is over. And you know what, with one foot in front of the other, it was over sooner than I thought it would be.'

Chin up. You already know you'll make it regardless .

xxx

[sam79]

I know I shouldnt but I have all my hopes in hormones...

So did I. Glad they ended up working.

On another note, I absolutely <3 your avatar pic.

[Ltl89]

I've said before and I'll say again that the only way to move forward is to do so. Another way to say this would be "fake it 'till you make it".

Bullet list to get somewhere:
- Ignore hormone progress. They'll do what they'll do but in *no* way are they the most important part of transitioning.
- Dress like you want. You'll get it wrong at first but you'll at least be moving ahead.
- If you know that you're going to do this, just come out, maybe? To everyone, maybe? At least you'll be moving ahead.
- Do things that you've always wanted to do unless it's *actually* impossible right now.
- Make a financial plan for SRS (if you're going there) or electro (if you're going there) and starting making movement on it (even at $1 a day, if it's like that).
- Get out of the house. No. Really.
- Start living the life that you want no matter where you're at.

You may notice a lot of repetition of theme in that list. There's a reason for that, my dear.

Yeah, I've come out to the most important people (family).  So the groudwork has been started there.
I've been saving up for SRS, but finishing laser and getting rhinoplasty are my first priorities.
Get out of the house.... depends what you mean?  In any case, I should be getting out more, but I don't have much confidence in my appearance and I'm afraid. 
Dressing and presenting female is what I'd like to do, but I'm so afraid of not passing.  I don't even want one person to guess.  It's silly, but that's how important passing is to me. Once I feel I can, then I'll be more comfortable doing things I want to do and taking risks and changing my life.  But the thing is there is no way to have that confidence until you put yourself out there.  So, it just sucks. 

Thats exactly how Id think about it too...
Sometimes its painful , I wont lie , looking at yourself in the mirror and crying its pretty much the worst thing...
I know we really cant do anything about it rather than be patience and believe in the future,,,

Im starting to do the things in victorias list...sure I wish hormones are going to work fast but I dont see a point in dressing as a guy...
I dunno its really confusing at that point...

I know I shouldnt but I have all my hopes in hormones...

Hormones help a lot for some of us.  You're in the young age bracket, so you should be okay.  I'm a few years older (24), so it's not quite as great in my case.  Though, it has done a lot for me.  It's just taking so much time and now I'm in that ambiguous stage. 

I could have made that post 4.5 months ago LTL, except that hormones weren't working for me at that point ( with T well into male range ). So you know, it could be worse.

Yes, that was an insanely hard time. I did anything and everything I could to make progress, and I was seeing a councilor weekly.

Thank god that is over. And you know what, with one foot in front of the other, it was over sooner than I thought it would be.'

Chin up. You already know you'll make it regardless .

xxx

I suppose I will make it one day.  The thing is it's taking so long and I've got no idea when it will really happen.  I'm planning full time at least around June or so;  therefore, I want to be in good shape at that point.  Before that, I have to really start getting part time in, but I'm terrified.  I just can't be clocked.  I can't be judged.  It terrifies me.  I just want to pass at all times without one instance of failure.  That's probably insane but it's how I feel.  To be honest, I'm not near that, even though I wish I were.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

On another note, I absolutely <3 your avatar pic.

Did you know that she is a little trans girl too 

[sam79]

I suppose I will make it one day.  The thing is it's taking so long and I've got no idea when it will really happen.  I'm planning full time at least around June or so;  therefore, I want to be in good shape at that point.  Before that, I have to really start getting part time in, but I'm terrified.  I just can't be clocked.  I can't be judged.  It terrifies me.  I just want to pass at all times without one instance of failure.  That's probably insane but it's how I feel.  To be honest, I'm not near that, even though I wish I were.

Might sound strange, but I was the same... And then all of a sudden it was easier to endure any ridicule while be myself without passing than it was to present as male with all of the pain and discomfort.

Here's a suggestion for you, something which did me the absolute world of good.... Consider volunteering somewhere ( like a 2nd shop or something ) where you're directly interacting with people, and do it as you, in entirety. Regardless of passing or anything else. I can't tell you how stressed I was before this, and how brilliant and relaxed I felt after.

Yes, I got some stares, and even a giggle or two. But the biggest thing I learned was that being comfortable with myself like that, in that situation, gave confidence. And with confidence, people seemed to stop caring, and nobody bothered me .

The reality is, you won't pass to begin with. Regardless of how you look, body language and nerves will give you away to keen observers. And it's OK. That period doesn't have to last long, especially if you're visually convincing. But just knowing, and accepting this fact will help a lot I think.

Sorry if that comes across as harsh. It's important to keep feet firmly on the ground in this tough time.

[stephaniec]

I guess I'm a bit different . Long before transitioning and relying on physical change, I just went out. I was terrified  at first. ,but  it turned out to be a lot of fun . I had a close call in a department store in the dress section. I asked a female clerk about some thing And she looked in my face and had a look of puzzlement on, but I survived  for another day out shopping.

[JoanneB]

Try not to let fear rule your life. ( BTW-I talk the talk and barely crawl the walk )

The only way you can see that woman in the mirror is to see that woman by being that woman. Even part time. Even by partly part time. Male-fail, HRT, FFS or any other intervention has little to do with it. Attitude and confidence has everything to do with it. I can safely say with confidence that if saw me in male mode you would recognize me as Joanne. Yet in male mode I see her in the mirror now.

For me, the joy, happiness, and inner peace I feel being out the real world as the real me, far outweighs any fear of maybe being read. I've met many women that are not successful by your standards. There is one absolutely beautiful, absolutely smart, sucessful woman in my TG group who would even meet that high bar. As my group moderator once reminded me, it takes a special sort of guy to be in a relationship with her. (she is post-op) You may be able to hide your past but you can't run away from it. It will always be part of you.

Perhaps if you allow yourself to feel that same joy as I. To allow yourself even occasionally to feel genuine, to feel real, to feel complete, you to might feel that pain of not being real far outweighs the fears of reality

[stephaniec]

Try not to let fear rule your life. ( BTW-I talk the talk and barely crawl the walk )

The only way you can see that woman in the mirror is to see that woman by being that woman. Even part time. Even by partly part time. Male-fail, HRT, FFS or any other intervention has little to do with it. Attitude and confidence has everything to do with it. I can safely say with confidence that if saw me in male mode you would recognize me as Joanne. Yet in male mode I see her in the mirror now.

For me, the joy, happiness, and inner peace I feel being out the real world as the real me, far outweighs any fear of maybe being read. I've met many women that are not successful by your standards. There is one absolutely beautiful, absolutely smart, sucessful woman in my TG group who would even meet that high bar. As my group moderator once reminded me, it takes a special sort of guy to be in a relationship with her. (she is post-op) You may be able to hide your past but you can't run away from it. It will always be part of you.

Perhaps if you allow yourself to feel that same joy as I. To allow yourself even occasionally to feel genuine, to feel real, to feel complete, you to might feel that pain of not being real far outweighs the fears of reality

That's what drove me out side . I needed to be real

[Ltl89]

Honestly, the whole issue is I don't know if I can make it anymore.  I'm feeling pretty depressed about life and my limitations that I wonder if I'll be able to suceed.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to make my dreams come true and to turn everything around.  If I have to live as a guy for the rest of my life, I'd rather not go on.  But on the same token, I'm just not strong enough to be where I want.  As you can see, I feel really down and depressed.  I'm not giving up or anything because that would equal suicide (quite literally) but I just have no idea how to overcome everything.  My life is a mess and I truely want to turn it around.  I'm transitioning because I have to and need to.  It may sound crazy to most people, but in my heart I'm a girl.  he thing is not looking or being accepted as one is torture.  I've been in the starting phase of my transition for a while that now I'm really having a breakdown about not having more progress.  I just need to be seen, thought of and accepted as a girl.  I need it.  It's killing me.  I just want to be a girl and live a normal life just like other girls my age. Its not fair that I have to supress my feelings and my entire being for the sake of others.  I didn't ask for this.  I'm sick of this curse and it's killing me that it's taking so long to beat this.  The pain that I'm feeling being trapped is excrutiating.  It's the worst thing imaginable.  I just want it to be over and to live a normal life. eh, I don't kow what to say.  I'm just fed up waiting to get my life on track.  I'm fed up pretending to be something I'm not all the time.  Its getting overwhelming.  Forgive me, but I'm just feeling really depressed about everything.  It's just so hard.   I'm sorry for this being so disorganized but I'm in tears at the moment.  It's just so difficult and conflicting.  I need an easy transition but how long can I wait for it?

[sam79]

Oh LTL. I wish I were nearby... I'd head over with some tissues and give you a huge hug!

You'll get there. Just one foot in front of the other. I know it's hard. But anything worthwhile is.

I  wish there was more I could say to give you the reassurance that you need.

On a related note, are you on any anti-depressants? They've really helped me deal with that really difficult time.

[Emo]

i can empathize with this.
my advice?
try nongender specific clothes, like jeans, sweatshirts, or slightly larger tshirts. also with your hair and a little makeup is ok. when guys start checking you out or preferably hitting on you, youll know if youre passable.
just look for that "look" guys give. that look of attraction.

[izzy]

I am in the same boat as you. My support system is nonexistent and so my dream of being transitioning is just delayed and it takes a lot of self determination to get it done. Having little progress in everyday life is just a huge blow in confidence in transitioning.

[Anna++]

Don't use your appearance in the mirror as a good indicator of your progress.  As you change, your brain adjusts and you end up feeling like you haven't changed at all (example:  I still sometimes see a guy when I look at myself in the mirror).

*hugs*  every day you are one step closer to living the life you want, and I am excited for you planning on part time at the end of the month!

[Randi]

hormones will work, some people on this site took 2 years to look the way they do

Or ten years, or more!

[Aina]

I'll say this again - at least I am pretty sure I said it.

LTL your doing so well, much better then me. You have so much strength and courage - your on the bullet train to complete your dreams, just keep looking forward.

I am still struggling to come out and honestly still feel I am in the denial stage. I was never really good at making up my mind..I too feel trapped,mainly by my own insecurities and feelings. It wasn't till recently I got a decent job - and almost done with college. Yet I feel as if life is just spinning by, I really want it to smack me on my ass so maybe I can stop being scared, just accept who I am and move forward...I am pretty good at ranting too sorry.

So not sure if I am really allowed to give advice but I believe you can do it. You just gotta keep swimming!