Quote from: learningtolive on January 05, 2014, 01:50:55 AM
Thank you very much for this post. I love my family in a big way, but some things really get to me. Even before I came out I had issues with certain things. I'm just so used to requiring approval for every little thing because I needed approval. If not, all hell broke lose (let's say it wasn't uncommon for a lot of fighting in my home). It's hard for me to talk about some things, but I was definitely controlled and not used to having individual freedom. The idea of not caring what someone thinks or says is foreign to me because I was always expected to have clearance or approval for just about everything. That's always been my role in the family and it's transferred into how I perceive all my relationships and society as a whole. Also, it's the reason why I felt so much shame in who I am because I never got the okay from society to be who I was or feel what I feel. As a result, I'm terrified to act out how I feel or express myself in the way I desire. Sure, I'm certainly not your average "guy" in any way, as most people assume I'm a fem gay guy, but I'm also very scared to be me and put up huge walls so people can't detect easily see who I am. It's because I need constant approval and validation to make sure that I'm not doing something bad and get the okay to be me. Once I feel I've overstepped my bounds or don't get validation, I get really upset and anxious. I'm a real messed up cookie. But I can work on this. I can stop caring about what others think and not require constant approval. It's just really hard for me to do this. Really hard. I suspect this is why passing is so important to me. If I pass as female and people see nothing different about me, I automatically feel I get the validation I seek and the okay to express myself as a woman. I need to do a lot more work.
Thank you for your comment. It helped me see some things I didn't want to look into. Well, it can't hurt to pick up a second therapist. I think cognitive therapy is something I should look into. I have to retrain my perception and start dealing with these heavier issues that go way beyond my gender. My gender really isn't the issue when I think of it. It's how I see myself as a human and the place I put myself socially. That's the core of my whole problem. Well, transition is all about self growth and improvement, so it's never too late to fix things that need fixing.
P.S. I really do love my family and they are amazing people, so don't take anything I say as a reason to judge them. There is much more wonderful things I could say about them than bad. It's just my childhood and upbringing has shaped me for this world in ways that weren't always for the best.
Oh don't worry girl I judge no one. Not my thing ya-know? And, as an adoptee in a family with a biological son I was always the black sheep so I can sympathsize with you there. I did however imancipate myself legally at 15 as I was working and on my own mostly anyway. My Mom understood why cause it was for the most part my adoptive father whom gave me the most trouble. He was of Sicilian Italian decent, and for some reason being loud "he-men" are important to them, lol! (I stringently emphasize the "loud"-his whole side of the family were!). He would constantly try to get me to cut my hair & eat more and gain weight saying "you look like a girl with your hair and your so skinny" comments. He'd do this in public thinking it embarassed me when actually I took his obnoxious comments as a compliment. I was always small boned and all legs and arms (long legs, long arms for my height) and being Native American born on a reservation My hair wasn't going anywhere. My grandpa on his side called me "spider legs" all the time. However, I got along with Sicillian grandma and grandpa well & miss them dearly. I got along with my grandma and Aunt & Uncle (he was French) on my adopted Mom's side as well. Long story short they were right about one thing -I always looked more like a girl than a guy ut what they didn't know is how much I liked being that way in appearance until I came out.
I did get my Karma gift in the end though. See, their biological son is a real turd and long story short, he took the old man for all he had. In his final years my adopted father lived on a farm I owned up north in my remodeled farmhouse. Truth is, after having a major stroke in 98 he wasn't such a bad guy. It's a shame it took a traumatizing health problem like that though to change his attetude towards others who are different. I had a new home I had built on my farm too which is where I was living at the time with a girlfriend. He passed away in June of 2000 & I sold the place in 2002 & put the money away -well, most of it anyway, lol! For I knew I'd need another home someday. I wanted to travel a bit and ended up in New York city for a while in Mid Manhattan, then Washington DC for a few years, then I decided to come back to Florida where my adopted mother was from and was living now in effort to re-connect. She had re-married following a messy divorce from my adopted father when he began cheating on her with a 20 year old (another story). Anyway, I've only been partially successful as we only communicate with letters. However, she does send me boxes of things for my home once or twice per month and when she sent presents this year everything was in female sizes (most of it too big but she sent me a nice cammy that fits well.). I think she too is finally realizing her son's a turd, and I'm her only hope of an honest child even though she must accept me as her daughter so I feel she'll eventually come around. But if she doesn't and letters and boxes is all we'll have I'll accept that too. The bottom line is I've put off my happiness for way too long and I won't anymore, and she knows this. Also, I think her new husband has been helping her accept me as I am a lot. How about that? Help from someone I've never met in person. He has seen photos of me though and so has she so they know what I look like. They know I'm happier now that I've ever been, and it is that alone that I think will be what brings my Mom around. She's all I have left family wise. My biological Mom Died when I was 6 & 1/2 out on the rez & I never knew my real father so, My adopted Mom I'm hoping will come around. But I won't stress over it if she doesn't for reasons already explained.
Well, I hope my little walk down memory lane brightens your day up a little TLC.
Always remember this: Karma's the queen "B", and she's on our side.
