The Joys of Not Passing

[KimOct]

The Joys of Not Passing.  What stupid kind of title is that?  I was going to put this off until the weekend because I really need some sleep but I have been thinking about writing this all week.  This will probably be an introduction and I will expand on it over the weekend.  My first day off in two weeks !!!  YAY 

How can there possibly be any joy in not passing?  I have spent several years reading topics such as:

1.  Do I look passable?
2.  What can I change to look more passable?
3. What if I don't pass?
4.  Will I pass?
5.  I passed today 

5, 6, 7 , 8.......blah blah blah.

We have all read them.  I have written them.  I have worried about passing, hoped to pass, wondered if I passed.

I am getting exhausted thinking about it.

Here's the thing.  Sometimes it's pretty cool and fun to not pass.  Women love showing me how accepting they are of me.  If I was still a 58 year old conservative looking white male 20 something and 30 something women would not even look sideways at me, I would be the enemy.

Most of them are so friendly to me.  They want to show they support me.  They want to befriend me.  I get constant hugs.  In a meeting at work the other day one walked behind my chair and flipped my hair as she passed complimenting my new haircut.  This was a gorgeous 25 year old African American woman that would have never even talked to me a few years ago.

When I am out in public many people are so much friendlier to me than they used to be.  Women I don't know smile warm and friendly smiles for no reason.  They call me hon and sweetheart.  They compliment my nails and my clothing.

And many men think I have guts. They have told me so.

At the ripe old age of 58 I am hip.    Who'd have thunk it?

Next Friday I am going out drinking with a bunch of girls from the office.

Do some people hate us?  YEP.  But lots of people love us.  We are brave, cool, different, non conformists.

I was a huge conformist my entire life.  Everyone had to accept me.  Well now some don't but the ones that like me like me a lot more than when I tried to blend into the scenery.

Being openly trans over the last few years has went from terrifying to fun.   

WARNING -----  More rambling on this topic coming this weekend.  Next tangent is about being OK with ourselves and even feeling good when we don't pass.   

Heresy I say    An abomination     Nope    It happens.

[Allie Jayne]

Thank you Kim for raising this awesome topic! I am one who feels she may never pass, and was probably destined to present as someone else in public due to fear of not being accepted, but you have opened another dimension for me. I will be watching this thread with great interest as I try to work out my future.

Allie

[plastic-mayhem]

What a great thread!  I can pass with a lot of work, and sometimes do, but mot as much as I used to.  Pretty does not equal passing and vice versa.  In five minutes I can look pretty when it takes me 15 to 20 to pass.  I just don't have that kind of time.  When Im trying to pass I'm always on edge.  When Im not I have more confidence.  And I call not passing my a** hole filter.  Someone gives me static or side-eye and I automatically know they ain't worth the time.

[LizK]

I am a firm believer in the idea that people see what they expect to see...if I give them enough clues then they will gender me correctly...yes I get the odd strange look and occasionally someone will get all weird with me.

I had a guy at the petrol station in a small country town over the weekend, who kept circulating into the back of the burger franchise(within the petrol station) and then through to the front counter to stare at me. I never noticed until my  daughter sarcastically said loudly to no one in particular "Why don't you take a picture it lasts longer" Until this happened I didn't even realise what was going on. I just laughed and then made a concerted effort to catch his eye,  I wanted to give him a smile and a wink... but after my daughter spoke up he got all shy and wouldn't look at me LOL

Generally I get treated well and sometimes I pass but the staring is not an unusual thing for me to experience. Most seem to be very accepting and just treat me like any other woman. I don't think it matters that much to most people where I live...I am obviously not a guy and appear to be woman so am treated accordingly.   

Liz 

[Dorit]

Kym, I love your posts.   Interesting in that on the "other forum" the same topic was raised and this is what I wrote:

Thank you so much for your input and sharing your experience. I too realize that for me passing 100% is far from possible. My goal is to be 100% accepting of whom I am and have an inner peace that is not dependant on how others see me. I am still working toward it, but believe that in this life it is attainable.

[KathyLauren]

Passing for me has become an interesting curiosity, nothing more.  Sometimes I pass, and it's fun when I do.  I am quite sure that I mostly don't.

The bagel lady at Tim Horton's recognizes me, and always has a smile and a few words for me in spite of being super busy.  I suspect the reason she recognizes me is because I don't pass.  And that is fine, because I get a smile and a few words.

More importantly, the other employees and all the customers get to see the interaction and see that trans people are just normal people.  We buy bagels and coffee, we talk to severs, we get smiled at, and we aren't trying to rape their wives and daughters in the bathroom.

We represent variety in our local demographics.  Yes, a few people find variety threatening, but most people like it.  We add spice to their lives.

I want it all.  I want people to know that I am trans and to treat me like a woman.  And most of all, I don't want to hide.  For me, that means not caring about passing, and even sometimes outing myself.

[Bea1968]

Going out and not passing has been a big fear of mine.  You have given me a new perspective to consider.  Thank you

Bea

[Emma1017]

This is a great thread Kim!

My goal is to finally be me.  How that works out on my female presentation will take time but I hope that in time the confidence I feel in being me will overcome any shortcomings I have in passing.

I don't need to pass as a woman, I need to pass as me.

Hugs,

Emma

[Faith]

I know for a fact that I get extra pleasant and engaging comments due to the fact that I don't pass. Just during my 'vacation that wasn't' a waitress talked to me about hair and color and how her husband wanted her to let it grow back out to natural gray. She went out of her way to come back to initiate the conversation.

I like passing
I like being recognized as me
I like educating the individual
yes .. I like the attention. It's actually more boring to pass even though it feels good.

[Emma1017]

Kim I really, really love this:  "Being openly trans over the last few years has went from terrifying to fun."

I may come out today so I can be one of the cool kids!

[StacyRenee]

Thank you Kim! I too have noticed this. At work, I now have total strangers say hi to me, by name, and wish me a good day/night. I can't help but think about the movie "GBF". Are they looking for a TBF (trans best friend)?

Out and about town, women that work in places I frequent almost always are sweet, kind, and openly converse with me. Some even know me by name (because I use web ordering).

I'm 6'2, 200+lbs, rather thin hair but quite long now, and far from passing. I too wondered and feared the idea of transitioning and not being able to pass. But now that I've gotten over the initial fear and panic that we all fight to overcome when we first venture out as our true selves, I own that I'm trans. And I think that confidence goes a long way in others eyes.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Maid Marion]

People reflect what you put out.  If  you want people to be friendly, you need to be friendly yourself!

This gets back to the confidence issue.  If is hard to be happy if you are worried about passing.  But, if you are happy with how you look, people will pick that up and be happy  as well.

[KimOct]

I want to reply to everyone individually.  I love the input !!!  My hope is every single pre transition lurker on this site reads this.

Dorit - Old habits die hard.     Yeah I haven't been called Kym in awhile  .  Nice to see you again.  I like it so much better here.  I hope your post surgery recovery is going well.

More replies and more thoughts after dinner.  I DON'T WORK TOMORROW YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GingerVicki]

The Joys of Not Passing.  What stupid kind of title is that?  I was going to put this off until the weekend because I really need some sleep but I have been thinking about writing this all week.  This will probably be an introduction and I will expand on it over the weekend.  My first day off in two weeks !!!  YAY 

How can there possibly be any joy in not passing?  I have spent several years reading topics such as:

1.  Do I look passable?
2.  What can I change to look more passable?
3. What if I don't pass?
4.  Will I pass?
5.  I passed today 

5, 6, 7 , 8.......blah blah blah.

We have all read them.  I have written them.  I have worried about passing, hoped to pass, wondered if I passed.

I am getting exhausted thinking about it.

Here's the thing.  Sometimes it's pretty cool and fun to not pass.  Women love showing me how accepting they are of me.  If I was still a 58 year old conservative looking white male 20 something and 30 something women would not even look sideways at me, I would be the enemy.

Most of them are so friendly to me.  They want to show they support me.  They want to befriend me.  I get constant hugs.  In a meeting at work the other day one walked behind my chair and flipped my hair as she passed complimenting my new haircut.  This was a gorgeous 25 year old African American woman that would have never even talked to me a few years ago.

When I am out in public many people are so much friendlier to me than they used to be.  Women I don't know smile warm and friendly smiles for no reason.  They call me hon and sweetheart.  They compliment my nails and my clothing.

And many men think I have guts. They have told me so.

At the ripe old age of 58 I am hip.    Who'd have thunk it?

Next Friday I am going out drinking with a bunch of girls from the office.

Do some people hate us?  YEP.  But lots of people love us.  We are brave, cool, different, non conformists.

I was a huge conformist my entire life.  Everyone had to accept me.  Well now some don't but the ones that like me like me a lot more than when I tried to blend into the scenery.

Being openly trans over the last few years has went from terrifying to fun.   

WARNING -----  More rambling on this topic coming this weekend.  Next tangent is about being OK with ourselves and even feeling good when we don't pass.   

Heresy I say    An abomination     Nope    It happens.

I've resigned myself to just present male. It seems so much easier in life.

[KimOct]

Thank you Kim! I too have noticed this. At work, I now have total strangers say hi to me, by name, and wish me a good day/night.

Out and about town, women that work in places I frequent almost always are sweet, kind, and openly converse with me. Some even know me by name (because I use web ordering).

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Yep... It seems that everybody knows my name.  It's like being Norm at 'Cheers"

I know for a fact that I get extra pleasant and engaging comments due to the fact that I don't pass.

I like passing
I like being recognized as me
I like educating the individual
yes .. I like the attention. It's actually more boring to pass even though it feels good.

I agree with all of that.  It is so obvious when people are trying to be extra nice to you.  Who doesn't like that?

I don't need to pass as a woman, I need to pass as me.

Hugs,

Emma

EXACTLY !!!!

Going out and not passing has been a big fear of mine.  You have given me a new perspective to consider.  Thank you

Bea

My pleasure and privilege

Passing for me has become an interesting curiosity, nothing more.  Sometimes I pass, and it's fun when I do.  I am quite sure that I mostly don't.

The bagel lady at Tim Horton's recognizes me, and always has a smile and a few words for me in spite of being super busy.  I suspect the reason she recognizes me is because I don't pass.  And that is fine, because I get a smile and a few words.

More importantly, the other employees and all the customers get to see the interaction and see that trans people are just normal people.  We buy bagels and coffee, we talk to severs, we get smiled at, and we aren't trying to rape their wives and daughters in the bathroom.

For those of you that fear what it will be like, well this is what it is actually like.  It's nice.

  And I call not passing my a** hole filter.  Someone gives me static or side-eye and I automatically know they ain't worth the time.

I agree about the a**hole filter.  Anybody that has a problem with me I realize that they are the one with the problem.

[KimOct]

GingerVicki  there is nothing wrong with that.

I've resigned myself to just present male. It seems so much easier in life.

If you feel that will make you the happiest then that is the best path.  This is all about living our best life.  If that will be your best life then absolutely.  If you feel that you would be happier doing something else then do that.

[GingerVicki]

GingerVicki  there is nothing wrong with that.

I've resigned myself to just present male. It seems so much easier in life.

If you feel that will make you the happiest then that is the best path.  This is all about living our best life.  If that will be your best life then absolutely.  If you feel that you would be happier doing something else then do that.

I'm really lazy.

[tgirlamg]

Bravo Little Sister!!!

Well done thread!... I have seen so many who come to this tied tightly to the notion that happiness is only accessed through 100% "passing" ( as a cis-woman)...  This perspective is, I believe ...quite off the mark but, generated by the fears that fill the gaps in their knowledge of what truly lies ahead further along transitions path...

This outlook has caused so much needless anguish and despair but, as with all things in life... perspectives can be revisited as often as we wish... the lens we view each thing in our lives through is ours to choose... I hope this thread will be one of many available that demonstrates that "passing" as simply ourself ...opens the doors to the real connections to others and the world around us that I think most of us are seeking!!!

Love Ya Sis!!! ❤️

A 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

[Zoey421]

5 months on this journey and, no, I don't pass. In fact, a good friend told me, in the nicest way, that it is hard to tell ... man in woman's clothes or what?

I know who I am. I do get compliments from woman, women openly talk to me more easily, like others have experienced, and I carry myself with confidence.  That's the key.... confidence!

I was travelling last week and checked in at the airport. Well obviously. I handed the girl at the check in my passport and there is the now normal double take. "You look a lot different now," she says. "Yes," I respond, "I came out transgender in November." "Great. What name and pronouns do you want to use?" she asks. "Zoe Catherine and she/ her pronouns," I said.

We finish the check in process, she hands me my boarding pass and says, "Have a good flight,  Zoe."

Mic drop!

I didn't pass but I was respected for my choice. That was way more affirming!!!

Luv Zoe xoxoxo

Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk

[KimOct]

Bravo Little Sister!!!

Well done thread!... I have seen so many who come to this tied tightly to the notion that happiness is only accessed through 100% "passing" ( as a cis-woman)...  This perspective is, I believe ...quite off the mark but, generated by the fears that fill the gaps in their knowledge of what truly lies ahead further along transitions path...

This outlook has caused so much needless anguish and despair but, as with all things in life... perspectives can be revisited as often as we wish... the lens we view each thing in our lives through is ours to choose... I hope this thread will be one of many available that demonstrates that "passing" as simply ourself ...opens the doors to the real connections to others and the world around us that I think most of us are seeking!!!

Love Ya Sis!!! ❤️

A 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

Ladies for those of you not aware... may I introduce.... my first mentor..   Ashley YAY !!!!
Hi Sis.  You must be posting off your phone to get all the cool emojis. 

Getting to where I am took a lot.  Me (yep I get some credit ) a great therapist, a group of supportive trans friends and two mentors in particular.  Ashley and Bad >-bleeped-<.  BT has kind of retired from the whole mentoring thing.  But they were both so inspirational in very different ways.

Thanks Sis.  We will talk soon, I was just thinking about Nancy an hour ago when I saw a TV ad for the arboretum. 
I am going to get in touch with her.

Closing thought for others.  Get many different points of view.  Take a little here and a little there.  You do this on your own,  those of us that 'mentor' just throw out our thoughts.  Take the ones that work for you and leave the rest behind.