Ok I think it's time for me to do my blog thread so there's a single page with some continuity.
First let me explain the Jillian versus Julie name. I adopted the name of Jillian (or Jill for short) decades ago. It's very similar to my male name. But my wife has recently developed a bit of a pet name for me and she calls me Julie. It's starting to grow on me.
So call me Jillian or Julie.
If I ever have to legally change my name it will be a tough choice but I would land on Julie out of respect for my amazing wife.
I will start with a few paragraphs on my background just for context for any new reader and then I will fast forward to the present. I will then use a date for each subsequent update.
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
I was born a boy in the early 1970s. Raised in a fairly normal / standard / regular family. Nothing out of the ordinary. By the age of 5 when my mom took me to the clothing store to buy my first school uniform I remember looking at the girls uniforms and wishing I could get a dress. I also knew it was "wrong" so I never divulged anything to my parents. I was terrified for anyone to know that I wanted to be a girl. I remember my mom had a best friend and her daughter was my age. We hung out together a lot. The girl took ballet lessons and I yearned to also do ballet (but like a girl) but once again I repressed the feelings and covered it up. I protested when they asked if I actually wanted to do ballet.
My childhood and teenage years involved sneaking into my mom's closet and trying on clothing. Later I bought my own things and hid them. I was always afraid my parents would find my stash. They never did.
By my 20s I just assumed I was a cross dresser. That's the reality I understood: that boys who wore girls clothes were cross dressing. So that's the label I accepted for myself. Being transgender was a foreign topic to me.
I met my future wife. She was a bombshell of a woman. You could put her in a stadium crowd and ask all the men to select one woman and she would without doubt be the winner. She was that attractive. And she dressed to the nines too. Short skirts, high heels and perfect makeup. I was smitten and I fell in love hard and fast. And she loved me back. I shared some of my secrets with her about me dressing as a girl in private. She thought it was a kink that it would go away. We married and raised a family. My kink never went away. I became more and more feminine over the years. She became more and more uncomfortable with my feminine side. She said she wants a manly man.
Fast forward 30 years of marriage. Ups and downs including 2 separations (each one lasting a year and each about 10 years apart). Somehow we kept coming back to each other because of a very strong connection. We are like soul mates and have been best friends for over 30 years.
Recently, as I've been better understanding myself I've come to terms that I am transgender. I've known my entire life that I want to live as a woman but my inner tug of war prevented me from being honest with myself. Lots of repression and anger over my adult life. But as I came to terms with myself the past few years I've found an inner peace. Especially from a Christian perspective. I felt so condemned for so long until I understood grace and God's love.
It's been scary to tell my wife that I don't have a kink for women's clothing. I told her that I am transgender. I told her that I would like to come out of the closet and present regularly as a woman. I told her that I'm tired of pretending to be a man because I don't want to be a man anymore.
We've had some VERY hard conversations the past year or so. Some conversations left me in tears and I thought we were done. But again my wife and I kept coming back to each other. We realized we have to make this work. We can't live without each other.
CURRENT INFORMATION
Recently we went on a cruise together and I presented as a woman 24/7. It was our test to see how it would feel between us if I was living as a woman. Shockingly, and against all my realistic expectations, my wife and I had an amazing trip. We laughed and had so much fun together. We reconnected like never before. She said she was so worried that I would be like a stranger to her if I was presenting as a woman and I would be a totally different person around her. She said she feared losing her husband and her life partner. She was fearing a huge loss and sadness. Instead we were like two peas in a pod the whole week. It felt normal and not forced.
The previous paragraph might sound like we've arrived and our problem is solved. But no. We understand that it's one thing to be happy on vacation but another thing to do it it real life on a day to day basis. Me coming out the closet as a trans woman will turn our lives upside down. We have kids. I have a corporate career. And then there is the church... My wife is a born again Christian and me being trans runs against her Pentecostal believes. Yet she's said she has seen my true heart and said this can't be a sin. She sees who I am. But she has said she doesn't know how to navigate the church situation. So we are taking things slowly.
Going forward I will add a date for updates. Here is the first one.
Saturday August 29th 2026
We discussed me being trans and me coming out of the closet. We discussed our recent trip and how we broke barriers and how the trip relieved my wife's fears of me becoming a different person and a stranger.
We discussed a phased approach to me coming out. Yesterday we agreed that I will first come out to the kids so I can drop the male veneer at home. We have 3 boys who are now young adults so we are no longer worried about the lack of a male role model anymore. They are grown up. It's going to be ok if I present more feminine at home around them.
My wife asked me not to dress "over the top" at home and to make an effort not shock the kids. So I will start by wearing girls shorts instead of skirts, girls t-shirts instead of blouses, girly flip flops and sneakers instead of heels. Subtle nail polish instead of bright colours or fake nails. And I'm ok with that because 99% of women are not getting all dolled up at home anyways. I'm more than ok being a relaxed lady at home.
The plan is for us to take another cruise in November as girlfriends (we spent the weekend already picking outfits) and I will update and "come out" to the boys via text when we are on vacation. That step via text message on our WhatsApp family chat channel will ensure I can choose the message carefully and they will have time to digest the news slowly. We will then have a family dinner and chat when we get home after the cruise.
So it's official - in November I will start the first step of coming out as trans. I can't believe that I have my wife's support on this. It's taken 30 years to get here. We agreed that we will take it slowly and figure out things as they unfold.
So the initial coming out will include growing my hair over the next few years, and getting my ears pieced. I will add some colour to my nails and other feminine grooming. All baby steps. I will wear more women's clothes at home or running errands around town.
The following phases will have to cover
- my work environment and/ or
- church. I'm open to the idea of changing churches to a more affirming denomination but my wife is hesitant because she loves the one we go to. I will give her lots of time on that one, and/or
- Broader social circle (friends, family, social media etc)
I'm thinking future phases are going to be starting next year. I have no idea on the sequence. One day at a time for now and the main focus is November.
