Restrooms and Partial Passing

[Aiden]

So, big question I've been struggling with.  Men's or womens?   I pass maybe 60-70% I think, but not sure as there is not always indication of whether pass or not.

I get odd looks in the woman's restroom but nothing serious yet, except I'm to point I'm not sure I should be in the womens.  I want to go to mens but am afraid of being clocked there.  There's also part that some places there are people who know who I am, like the Giant Eagle I get my meds from or a bar where I've shown my ID.

I find myself conflicted to point that I do something even more odd and find myself standing in between both men's and womens which just drags more attention to self.

I usually end up going in womens but it gives me away to those who take me as male.  Same time people who know me as female will wonder if I am going into mens.  I don't always have the option of a gender neutral bathroom unfortunately. 

Any suggestions?

[Nero]

Depends where you're at and who you're with. I'd say judge the situation based on that instead of making a blanket rule for yourself.

[christene]

Thats been one of my toughest too...it really emphazises the "which am I"...
I have been going into the ladies room more and more and am finding there is no real issue. I can thank a girlfriend of mine pushing me to go in with her. Nothing happened at all. I always figure too, if anyone says anything, I can just smile and play dumb...
I think it will get easier but I definitely know how you feel...
I DO LOVE the unisex bathrooms though ;-)

xoxo
Christine

[Aiden]

I've pretended to be disoriented a few times LOL  But still it's something I struggle with

[sneakersjay]

Early in transition I just used the ladies' room, figuring I didn't pass.  The weeks just pre-T I went to the South, and used the ladies' room and got a bunch of odd looks.  Apparently the butch lesbian population isn't as high as it is in the northeast, so I raised a few eyebrows (I'm not a butch lesbian, but most people pegged me as one with my short hair and masculine clothes).

I went away a few weeks back and decided I was male and started using the men's rooms.  I have no idea if I raised any eyebrows, I didn't look at anyone, got in, got out, even coming right up to guys at the sink.  I was in ignore mode.

Now I have my male ID so if anyone hassles me I can at least prove I'm male, plus I've been on T 2.5 months and have seen some minor changes, but I'm passing at least 50:50 here in the northeast now.

Like the others said; use your best judgment depending on where you are.  Or just decide to use the men's if that's what you want, and then use it like you belong there.  Because you DO.

Jay

[Northern Jane]

When I was in college (a LONG time ago) I was pretty androgynous and couldn't pass in either if I was dressed neutral so I became an authority on where all the non-gender-specific washrooms were! If I was dressed femme, the women's room worked but I couldn't use the men's no matter how I was dressed. Washrooms were a REAL problem.

[Aiden]

Lol yeh it's going south I just did for a bit as well. visited family in south carolina.  about point I started feeling more comfoertable with myself but less comfortable using womens.  Not that was comfortable using womens before, since started RLE I would rush in do buisness and rush out hoping not to be there long enough to drag to much attention lol

[Wendy C]

Aiden, the one good thing you have going for you is that if some one clocks you in a Mens restroom, the most you will usually get is grumblling, or "excuse me Ma'am, you are in the wrong restroom" For some one presenting there androgynous I doubt seriously if you will get any comments.

The reverse is true I believe in a Female restroom as all it takes is one Mother of a young girl or a woman to voice her concern that there is a man in there and you can be reasonably sure either mangement or store security will be asking you questions.

I think my cue came when androgynous, a little boy ask his Dad why a lady was in there and the Dad really didnt respond other than to tell his boy to hurry up. I started dressing more enfemme, wearing light makeup and using the Female restrooms after that. That and looking for out of the way restrooms when androgynous. And for sure it is a major undertaking to switch.

Wendy

[cindybc]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm never had any problems using the ladies room and I didn't realy pass that well facially in early transition. But then I am short, inconspicuos, who realy doesn't get noticed and I have the ability to be invisible in a crowd of people If I so desire. Now I have people staring at me all the time and I know I ain't no beauty queen, I just attribute it to my upbeat attitude, If I realy wanted to I probably could make a lamp post smile. 

Christine I believe that with that mischievous smile of yours you probably would make a good candidate. How can any one feel nervous or dislike such a disarming smile? 

Cindy

[trbrink]

This is has got to be the one shared topic that is almost the same for M->F and F->M.

I always try to find the unisex bathroom, and I keep a list of them for the places I go to or have been at....even if I'm out on the town, I always watch for them, for future reference. 

Although it seems that the bathroom passing issue tends to be mostly in our head, it only takes one bad incident or a few "weird" looks or comments, before you are totally second guessing which one to use.

The one thing that you have going for you Aiden is that men generally try to get in, get out, and not talk/look around too much when they are in a public restroom; so at least you have that going for you. Men usually don't hang out, wait for their buddies, or talk in the restroom; however, if you find that they are, this is when they will likely make a comment or worse.  Conseqently, I would use that as a warning sign to keep my guard up.

Personally, in a two day span a couple of months ago, I had comments made to me in the mens room and the womens room(and I was presenting in the appropriate gender mode for each of the restrooms I was in), so it can be really hard at times. Unfortunately, that experience has driven me to not be comfortable in either restroom.  However, I'm sure like anything in life, that practice will make it easier, and less "scary".

[Melissa]

I used unisex bathrooms or only went at home for the most part when I was in an androgynous state.  If I had to use the men's room, it became very uncomfortable and I did the hurry up thing like you do and hoped nobody noticed.  As far as I know, I completely avoided the awkward situations.

[Aiden]

Yeh well I have to go to often to just use one at home or be lucky and find one that is unisex lol

But going try get more comfortable in mens.  I'm little uncomfortable sitting to pee in men's though.  Hope can get a better stp device soon.  Unfortunantly the gear guy for the FTM site and products is ill.  So am on hold.

Edit:  He just got back to me so hopefully soon.

[alexkidd]

Restrooms are always a major issue. I use the mens now, and like Jay said I ust walk in and act like I belong. I remember a few years ago, I was using the ladies and a chick walked in, saw me and blushed "Sorry I thought this was the Ladies," and then walked straight back out. LOL. It was highly embrassing.

Unisex toliets would save all our bathroom issues

[trbrink]

..........But going try get more comfortable in mens.  I'm little uncomfortable sitting to pee in men's though.........

Trust me, I've sat to pee in the men's restroom for years.....that's nothing to worry about.....men in general are just not that observant......however, if you were really worried about it....take in the sports section of the newspaper with you and nobody will ever think it is odd....well...almost always.....probably wouldn't go so well at a concert or a sporting event but it will work well in a good many situations.

[sarahb]

however, if you were really worried about it....take in the sports section of the newspaper with you and nobody will ever think it is odd

LOL...I've never seen that when I used to go in the men's restroom. But I agree, it probably wouldn't have gotten any looks since men aren't really attentive like they are in women's restrooms. That's actually one of the things that's been interesting getting used to: going into the restroom and having all this chit chat going on, when before it was get in, do you're thing, get out. It's like talking is forbidden in men's restrooms, lol.

As far as which one to use, I agree with Wendy that being perceived as a girl in the guy's restroom would not garner much reaction like being perceived as a guy being in a girl's restroom. I say just use the men's unless someone says something. The worst that will probably happen is someone pointing out that this is the men's room.

Sarah

[Aiden]

If a guy can feel more comfortable sitting to pee why can't a transguy feel more comfortable standing to pee in a men's room?  Gets annoying after a while when you keep telling us that not all men stand to pee or that men don't care if we sit to pee.  If bioguys have a choice then so should we.

Just because it's not neccessary for us to stand and pee doesn;t mean we wouldn't feel more comfortable doing so.

[Jay]

I use male toliets now depending on who I am with however I have never had any funny looks from men in the toliets, I just ignore everyone when I walk in there. Once I had "I thought he was a female".. with a reply from the friends mate "How much drink have you had??" Other than that this is nothing I have had. The last time I went into the females toliets I got told to get out and if I go in them now I have to be very careful. I went in with my friend once and the woman walked in and said sorry I thought this was the ladies.. and I said "yes it is Im waiting for a friend" They thought it was funny..

If there is ever a disabled toliet about though I tend to use that instead.

[Wendy C]

It is Bathroom etiquette for men that are strangers to avoid all contact to include eye contact if at all possible. I make an exception for the Bubba types and drunks. I should google the  bathroom etiquette thing.  On another note, it it well known that women make a phshhhhhing sound when they pee, men dont. I would advise you guys to try to avoid that. And if you can teach it to me I would be grateful also. Hugs

Wendy

[sneakersjay]

On another note, it it well known that women make a phshhhhhing sound when they pee, men dont.

Yes, but do men really pay that much attention when they're in the restroom? 

And if you can teach it to me I would be grateful also.

.  The only suggestion I would have would be (assuming you're pre-op) would be to sit and aim at the porcelain rather than the water, if it's possible to do when sitting (as I have no idea since I'm equipment-impaired  ).

Though to be honest I don't think I ever paid any attention to pee sounds when in public restrooms before.  In fact, I noticed, but never really paid attention to the differences in sounds before someone pointed it out (on a trans site).  Most women are likely too busy yakking or fussing with their toddlers to pay any mind.

Jay

[trbrink]

If a guy can feel more comfortable sitting to pee why can't a transguy feel more comfortable standing to pee in a men's room?  Gets annoying after a while when you keep telling us that not all men stand to pee or that men don't care if we sit to pee.  If bioguys have a choice then so should we.

Just because it's not neccessary for us to stand and pee doesn;t mean we wouldn't feel more comfortable doing so.

I don't think anyone is saying that you shouldn't. You have the right to choose however you want to go.  It is important for you to feel comfortable however you want to go.  I'm sorry if you misinterpreted my prior response to represent anything other than that. I hope that things get easier for you.