This hurts... Hard realization... I'm not the woman I wanted to be.....

[Q]

Hmm interesting thread.

OP I am almost the same age as you so I recognize well those feelings (that first post made me feel like crying too), although we differ in that I am not doing the transitioning thing.

I think regardless of whether or not, or when, one transitions the answer is self acceptance.

Also, times and technology always change. Those young transitioners we are jealous of now, will probably also find when they get older that they look at 'trans' people younger than them and think I wish I had this or that when I was their age. It's the way things go. There's lots of change happening for 'trans' people at the moment, even if it does feel imperceptibly slow at times... Heck, when I was at school it was completely unheard of for anyone to be openly gay at school let alone trans anything.

Anyway, overall I'm happy I grew up when I did as there is plenty I wouldn't like about growing up now - I liked there not being mobile phones, internet, facebook and all that stuff for starters!

I find it interesting to be the odd one out in this thread, as while I recognize all these painful feelings in myself too, I'm the only one (in this thread at least) who keeps saying – transitioning, not going there, nopity nope, not ever, lol, whereas twenty something years ago, when I wasn't able to do anything about it, I was adamant it was something I had to do. Good job I'm not one to follow the crowd, hey!

I want to end on a positive and tell you to go outside in the sunshine and run about and get those endorphins going; you'll probably feel better. Hopefully you don't live somewhere that's an ice block!

[Northern Jane]

... my therapist says, that doesn't help me process the pain that is inside.

Your therapist is right - you need to vent the pain.

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s and fought a lot of the battles alone when nobody knew anything and I was often the first TS person anyone in the medical field had seen. My diagnosis was by Dr. Benjamin in 1966, the year his book came out, and my surgery was by Dr. Biber very early in his practice (1974). It was a f'ing tough battle but I made it - I survived, but just barely! I went 'deep stealth' immediately after surgery and stayed there for 30 years. In my late 50s I sought professional help for the childhood abuse and ended up dealing with a whole lot of crap from my early years. It has taken me quite a few years and a LOT of tears to properly grieve for the little girl, all the crap she had to put up with, all the betrayals and disappointments, and the things she missed out on because of her odd situation.

When I went through everything, there was no therapy requirement, just a "sanity assessment", but I wish I had done therapy a LOT earlier. It would have been nice to have the grief GONE instead of just pushing it into a closet. (Or at least as "gone" as it could ever be.)

Stick with your therapist and keep working on it! It will come, it will be tough, but it will be worth it!

[Carrie Liz]

You know, even though I'm only 27 years old, I feel this a lot too.

While I actually was in high school, that was honestly when my dysphoria was the absolute worst, and it was because I was seeing all around me the girlhood that I would never have. I constantly saw the teenage girls in their tight little groups bonding and growing up together, and laughing together, and going through the pains and joys of teenage romance, and through all of that the girl inside of me was absolutely screaming. "I should be doing that too, damn it!!!" But despite how painful it was, I never let her out. And now, 10 years later, I really do feel like I've missed what should have been the best years of my life. All of my female friends talk about how great high school was, about how they loved the activities they were in, and how they loved having all those friends so much, and they wish that they could go back there. While I wasted my entire teenage years feeling miserable, alone, and staring at the femininity that I knew I should have had, as a sidelined observer. So it is VERY painful to realize that I'm never going to get those years back.

All the more reason, though, to post topics like this in the first place. So that those who are young, and those who still have a chance to live their teenage years actually in the right gender, can have the courage to do so before it's too late. I really wish that I had known then what I know now, that it's not just a strange thing that only weirdos do, it's actually surprisingly common, normal even. And I wish that I had known that there was a way to stop puberty and actually feminize the body in a completely natural way that doesn't even require surgery. If I had known about either of these things, I would have done it MUCH younger.

So I know it hurts. It hurts me too. But there's always good that comes out of pain. You learn things, and you can share your experience with others so that they can have a chance at a better life. Posts like yours are the very thing that finally convinced me that I couldn't wait any longer, and that I had to do what I knew was right, while I was still (relatively) young, and while there was still time. So thank you. I know it hurts, but there really needs to be a big thanks here for sharing your thoughts. Thank you very much to everyone who has shared their experiences here. I pray that someone young who is questioning themselves can find this topic and read it, and realize just what they are missing out on by NOT transitioning.

[TerriT]

Hi  Aubrey, I don't know if this matters since I don't know you or anything, but you're the woman I want to be.

[MadelineB]

I share my bed every night with my two friends, Mikhaila Bearishnikov (a small but courageous bear, she wears a purple tutu and leotard and dances ballet) and Dollie Partoff (the doll my mother sewed for me for Christmas, saying "I made one for all my other daughters. I'm sorry it took me so long to make you yours Maddie."

Today I had an intense session with my therapist. After 52 weeks of work, I am ready to do some inner child work, reuniting with little Maddie. I already made contact with, and brought out for healing, her twin brother, but little Maddie still needs a lot of love and a chance to finally speak and be herself at last. I am learning to be the loving and accepting mother she never had.

Wish you the best in your healing journey. It is hard work, but it is well worth it.

[Barbara Ella]

the posts here are so heartening, but also indicate the difficulty in knowing something was lost, or not participated in when you knew you were meant to. Venting is good, but realizing what you have and using that to its fullest is most important.

I never had those situations or feelings.  I lived my first 65 years as male with no indications or thoughts of anything else.  At age 65, realized what I was, and even can see the indications I ignored during my life (a happy fruitful life).  Now at 66, TS, on HRT, all I have to remember and/or look forward to is finding a life as a 66 year old woman (with non accepting wife I dearly love, and cannot hurt) with a very limiting life.  I get angered at times, and vent and cry all afternoon, but I know I can still have a great future if I will just work on it and accept it as it is.

Barbara

[Michelle G]

Aubrey dear, so so many of your points hit me head on!  And it's nice to see you back!

Yes I missed my time by 50 years but at least I have "now" which is much better than being turned back into star dust without the world having met the real me at all.

In school I had more female friends than male even though I was hopelessly stuck in boy mode, but I enjoyed those years because unknown to them I was able to think like and understand them just fine, it was better than being alone, but I really wanted to be physically the same as them.

When raising my two daughters I would take them shopping, do their hair in fun styles and all sorts of other things none of the other "dads" did....now that they are 30 and 31 we still have great relationships. But....they still don't know about "me" so terribly frustrating! I don't know how to tell them, but this "Jeanie" is never going back in the bottle!!!

[DirtyFox]

In fair honesty, this is one of my biggest triggers. What I found helps me is understanding that although I did miss out on "girl" things, I had a pretty awesome life even if as a boy. And although I wish I had started sooner, I wouldn't trade the memories I have made.

[Tanya]

Hi  Aubrey, I don't know if this matters since I don't know you or anything, but you're the woman I want to be.

I second that Aubrey. 

[Just Ole Me]

Aubrey
My story and age is identical!  So we are sisters from here on out! 


I deal with this same pain in a few ways:

1). I traded all though earlier years experiences of being a girl for transitioning after I had children. I love my children so to have them I traded an early transition. Obviously if I transitioned at 12 or 13 I would have never fathered my same children and I wouldn't trade them for anything

2). Some children have horrible childhoods (much worse than our GID) so I was given a healthy boys childhood and adolescence as opposed to the possibily of one as a cis girl but in a poor, neglected or abusive situation

3). I am a person of faith. I truly believe that a TG life like ours is special. We go through this journey of having GID and being TG for a reason and I have faith that when its over I will learn why I was not born in the correct body.  I had something to learn from it.

I hope this helps.  You are so pretty in your avatar, enjoy, be happy and be glad we are transitioning at an age that we can be pretty and have some girl fun.  I am glad my male life was successful in my career so that my female life can spend HIS hard earned money!

Hugs

Kay

[Jayne]

Hmmm i'm probably at the level of teenager in terms of acting my age.

I sleep with him every night  ....





....don't hate

That is so damn cute, I also have teddy bears but now that I have my dog back they have to stay on a high shelf to remain intact, the other day I was really upset when Poopie destroyed my Klingon teddy bear.
On the bright side he didn't get Borg bear & I have a big furry Labrador shaped teddy who returns the hugs.

As for the feelings about missing out on so much, don't let it eat away at you as virtually every person on this planet feels that they've missed out on something or other in their life, it's all part of being human.

[auburnAubrey]

Wow......  Thanks everyone...  Tanya, Tiffany.. thank you for those kind words...  And Hi Michelle...

Yeah, that picture is me.....  I've always looked younger than my age.. even as a guy....  Heck, I remember when I was 1, people would come up to me and say "Wow, you look like you're zero."

Ok, so maybe it's not the best humor.

I tried, very hard to break down and let it out the other night.  I started.... for about 5 minutes.  Then, stopped myself.  Not on purpose.  I'm not sure why I won't let myself grieve on this.  Hard to believe with all this estrogen I can't get a good cry in.

I dyed my hair today.. same color as normal, but it always looks so deep red after it's done for a few days before it starts to fade.  I can't see not having this hair color.  I see this woman in front of me.  I still see the guy too......  I really thought it would be easier by now.  I cancelled the FFS last year, cancelled the name change in the courts.....  And I'm just sitting here not really belonging anywhere on the gender scale.....  and I think that's a bit frustrating too. 

I think about how much gender permeates everything in the world.  How we interact, how people perceive us, our pheromones, our auras.  God created man and woman, and the world around them.  Doesn't get more basic than that.  The basis for the world to exist started as a seperation of gender.  How we perceive life.. our personalities .... being the sum of our experiences.  I didn't experience them as  girl.  I'm not sure I know how to.  Maybe that's the disconnect I feel.  I look like a woman, my hormonal balance is that of a woman..... but I have all these experiences of a man.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe it's not what I lost....... but what I have.  A lifetime of actions and interactions as a male.  A lifetime of habits and reactions as male.  I have around 3 years..... less than that, really, living a female life.  Not even fully, really...  How would a three year old go out into the world?

Ok, I'm rambling now, and getting all philosophical.  My thoughts just started coming out.  It's amazing...  I often talk about our paths... when someone wants to know what it's like, or what's going on.  One of the things I say, is that it's so different for all of us.  Outside of the diagnosis of GID, we have similairities, but such different thoughts, experiences, fears, strengths, etc.  When someone gets a particular type of cancer, someone else who had that type of cancer can tell them exactly what to expect.  What the process is.  What to look out for.  But here?  It's so different.  Even in just the walls that we put up.  Similar stories, thoughts, but different paths.  I think when I see that, I see how important it is to support each other.  I think the experience is that of a collective whole, instead of an individual account.  Ok, I'm done rambling... for real this time.  Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Michelle G]

You ramble all you want!!   someday it will be our turn and you will be on the helping side

and yep, sometimes I have to look twice when I see pics of myself in cute girl mode! if it wasn't for this darn high profile career with customers all over the country I would be out in 3D immediately!! grrrrrrr

[Rachel]

Aurbrey, thank you for the post. I too share those deep feelings as you. To feel good when it hurts I exercise and it helps a lot when I feel bad ( I am straight edge now). I walk up and down hills with a 40 pound pack. The feeling is awesome. 

This was one of the 1st things the therapist and I worked on due to it hurting so much and I hated myself for not addressing being me. I had thought about this almost all the days of my life past 7.

The therapist said I addressed who I am when I could. She also pointed to all the good things ( Daughter and Wife ) that I would have missed. She also pointed out 43 to 44 years ago when I was 6-7 there was no support and my family situation would not be good (understatement).

I greived my loss with lots of tears as self hate turned to remorse and then into a new way I look at the past:
I can not change the past. I am open to a new future. I am living as me now and soon now will be part of my past. I will have memories of me in my past.

I still feel down about myself when I read a post from a younger person. I try to help them and that is something good that I can associate with a younger persons post. If they ask would it be better if this or that then I give them a piece of my life and hope they can see for themself and better choose for themself.

I am pretty happy I can face I am Trans and I look to something I can controle about me in the now and future. Kind of cool to be me now, most days. It is just the 99.85% of the rest of the population that needs an enema.

[Elspeth]

Age is a state of mind. For the most part, I act and think like someone in her early 20's - even my therapist has commented on it. I'm taking steps to go back to the kind of work I wanted to do when I got out of high school. Most of my friends are in their 20's.. I party like there's no tomorrow. I'm squeezing all the fun out of life that I can.

I feel I have to endorse this approach. Naturally, any of us transitioning later in life (even in our 20s) will have some mourning to do for so many of the things Aubrey mentioned. And it seems to me quite common that, at least for a time, we do what we can to go through as many of the experiences we craved that we were "cheated" out of by circumstance. No reason to feel shame for that... it seems like a good way to cope with it, as long as you're reasonably careful for your safety.

The same feelings are part of what has delayed my own path to transition, and all I can say is that it winds up feeling like some form of mummification or paralysis to continue hanging on that way... to a degree that, while I've yet to actively plan for suicide, there have been periods where I was passively wishing death would just come and be done with me, and it translated into other passive moves as well. 

Consider the choices you have before you, and take the ones that seem to offer the most joy (or at least the least long-term discomfort, by which I don't mean allowing others to pressure you to change direction)... just don't follow my example. It doesn't lead anywhere.

[bullwinklle]

Aubrey, I feel similar to you, and I started transitioning at 27. I once wrote almost the exact same thing you did about the little girl finally having her chance, but feeling lost. She isn't totally lost though. She has your 40 years of life experience available to her. Surely she can put that to use. And the stuff she doesn't know? Fake it till you make it.

Age can be just a number. My mom is 52. She looks in her 40s, and she still acts wild and crazy. Once I asked her about why she's was like that (because I was under the impression that she had a wild 20s and 30s), she told me that she was making up for the fun she missed out on in her 20s and 30s. She spent that time raising my 2 brothers and I, and she felt as if now was her time.

I may have missed out on years 0-27, but I'd rather have years 28-death as a woman than no time as a woman. I see transitioning as survivor mode: you make the best of what is available to you now. Could haves unfortunately did not, but fortunately many of those things still can be. There's still time to be the woman you want to be.



As a side note: Perhaps this might work as a sort of cathartic exercise, but have you ever considered writing a fictional account of the years you missed? Make up the childhood, adolescence, college years, etc. that you missed and craft it into a story. Give the little girl a past, then start letting her live in the present.

[Cindy]

Yes it hits home.

47 years ago I told my parents I was a girl and why wasn't I growing up properly.
If only. But as Northern Jane said, there was nothing to help us. I ws in an Irish Catholic part of Liverpool the only 'son'.  I'm a girl I cried.

Yes we miss out on everything, we weep our tears into pillows and dream and hope and wail and lament. Why was I born this way?

If we are lucky eventually we can or do become us. But every second of our past has been lost. Our tears will never dry.

How to cope? To be honest I don't know. I try to live my new life with optimism and joy and take every second I can.

I cannot let myself fall into the despair of what I've lost, or never had, or had stolen from me. I know that path and for me it is dark.

I have to thank myself for having the courage to be me and to live my life now. I have to be proud of myself and strut the stage I have.

The past has gone and my tears will never bring it back. When I can, I try to help a young person to let loose their shackles and they can become the girl or boy they really are.

They can live the life I never had, and I can bask in that.

For me that helps. Nothing can change my past and the oceans were created to hold my tears.

I will try to live my present and my future as the woman I am, and keep looking forwards.

It is all we have left.

C

[sam79]

To the OP. Thank you for summing up the essence of reality of a life we miss.

This is the same issue which has been eating me up for months. At any given moment, I'm only seconds away from momentary tears if I allow myself to look back with regret. And like you, I've not yet allowed myself to fully let out the loss and hurt over the missing years. So it still sits there, waiting its turn. It's definitely most most regretful and painful aspect of coming to terms with who I am.

I wish you all the best in working this out. As the case will be for me, when it does erupt, it will make waves.

[jainie marlena]

sometimes things get made up you thought you would never have. My two younger sister and I had a little slumber party. It makes me cry thinking about it but they have no idea how they made me feel when they done that for me. It was just last year I was 38 years old. I remember thinking about how I would NEVER HAVE ONE but I did and it will always be one of the greats memory of my life.

[kelly_aus]

I just thought after my earlier comment I should add that I'm not the woman I expected or wanted to be .. I'm still a hell of a woman though.