how to relax

[salemasss]

Hello all. Since i acknowleged to myself that i'm TS it's been uneasy
sometimes it's alright but sometimes i really panic that i'm in wrong body. i feel so bad that i can't enjoy anything. when i lay down i feel coldness in my body that just makes me want to die. i fephysically really bad. do you feel the same? how do you relax?

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi salemasss,

The quickest way to relax under such circumstances is to do deep breathing exercise. If you're not sure how to do them, Google it.

Secondly I'd like to take the pressure off you and debunk this ridiculous nonsense of the "Wrong Body Syndrome." That has to be the greatest load of garbage I've ever heard of. The body you have is yours. Yours alone. has been since you were born, will be to the day you die.

What you need to do, is to change your concept of this nonsense round to the truth of the matter. The body you have, being yours, has faults and possible defects. This understanding will allow you to accept yourself more readily, assisting you to make better informed decision on how to correct those faults and defects. Without taking ownership of your body will invariably lead to making rash and erroneous decisions.

Acknowledging that you are TS does not automatically imply a DIY process. To help you through these turbulent times, I suggest to contact a gender therapist/counsellor who can assist you in navigating your way through this labyrinth.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Jess42]

Deep rythmic breathing will help. Breathe from the abdomen not the chest. A quiet dark room also helps. Try to clear your mind, if you have to concentrate on the breathing. Then just tell yourself to relax. A visualization process can help like starting from your toes all the way up you body.

Panic that you are in the wrong body? Is this a panic attack in which the heartrate skyrockets, chest pains, shortness of breath, cold sweats and thoughts that you are going to die? If so that is an average run of the mill panic attack and you should see your doctor? You don't even have to say anything about being transgendered. Does it just happen when you are feeling that you are in the wrong body? If so, I would try to find a therapist. But in the meantime if it is a panic attack, your family doctor may be able to help with that in the meantime while searching for a therapist.

I don't want to pry but can you go into a little more detail about the panic that you feel and what sets it off?

[salemasss]

I can't control it when it comes. But I notice that it happens more when I lay down. I just have the feeling that something is wrong with me and I can't fix it. I don't feel chest pains, short of breath etc. just shivering that makes me feel cold and I have feeling that if even things will get better eventually, I won't survive until that moment. I know that until I turned 18 I didn't think about transsexualism. And as long as I didn't I felt at least safe. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD. I really have it. But thing is I tried for a whole year deny that I was a woman inside. I always had to search proofs to show that I'm cis man. But a year with those thoughts are too long to think that it's just a mental ilness for me. Especially when I was a little kid, I thought that I would grow up to be a women with breasts. I liked that thought, but when later I realised that it won't happen I just forgot about it or at least I think I did, maybe I supressed dissapointment I don't know. And last year I read in some site info as a joke that I was a woman in my previous life. I thought, sure, I like playing women, it makes sense that I am the one. But hours passed and I couldn't forget that thought. And I felt like in prison ever since.

[Jess42]

Ok first off. If you do believe in reincarnation it is completely possible that our Souls are niether male nor female but both and we choose to identify and are more comfortable with the attributes of one gender over the other. Remember that I am talking about the Soul not the body. A really good book if you want to look into it and spans quite a few different past life regressions would be Journey of Souls and may enlighten you a little to what you read about. Don't take tests on the internet because that is more like a sideshow entertainment type deal. Don't take it to heart.

Your Psychiatrist diagnosed you with OCD. Are you fully honest with your Psychiatrist about feeling female inside? If not, try to bring it up casually. I know it is hard especially when we create an image of ourselves to project to the rest of the world, but the first step is to be honest with yourself and comfortable enough in order to be honest with a Psychological expert.

I would say that next time you see your Psychiatrist, go more into detail like you did here with us. Or maybe find a Psychotherapist because they are much cheaper and easier to get appointments with and since you already have a Psychiatrist you are seeing, there should be very little waiting time if the therapist suggests seeing one to adjust medication and so on.

Anxiety is a bitch too. Just remember when you lay down and start feeling cold and that you won't survive, believe me you will. If it's before bedtime and you are going to sleep, take something like Tylenol PM or Benadril about 30 minutes before trying to sleep. Anything with Dyphenhydramine in it will at least let you fall asleep. I think Nyquil makes a product in it now with dyphenhydramine especially for sleep. I have anxiety issues but no OCD issues and laying down to go to sleep was the worst. So I can only imagine anxiety mixed with OCD. Try something like leaving the TV on or find a CD with nature sounds or just white noise. When it's quiet that is when my mind tends to wander and race.

Good luck and hope this helps with the relaxation.

[salemasss]

thank you. I get anxiety more if I lay down in a daytime. It's alright when I go to sleep at night. I was scared one year ago so it's understandable that I wasn't completely honest with my psychiatrist. I am afraid that she won't believe me as my counsellor doesn't. I hope she isn't the same incompentent fool. I can't transition for a few years at least. I still live with my parents. And still in high school. I just want to have energy to be able to work and earn money for my treatment as I think I can hardly get it at my country.

[Jess42]

thank you. I get anxiety more if I lay down in a daytime. It's alright when I go to sleep at night. I was scared one year ago so it's understandable that I wasn't completely honest with my psychiatrist. I am afraid that she won't believe me as my counsellor doesn't. I hope she isn't the same incompentent fool. I can't transition for a few years at least. I still live with my parents. And still in high school. I just want to have energy to be able to work and earn money for my treatment as I think I can hardly get it at my country.

You told your counsellor that you feel trangendered? I don't want to pry and don't feel obligated to answer but why didn't he/she believe you? When you say counseller, is he/she a psychotherepist with a degree in Psychology? If it's just like a school counseller, maybe try finding a good psychotherapist on your own.

Might I suggest that you take time to get to know yourself. Do a little "soul searching" so to say. You are still young and having pretty much just gone through puberty with all the hormonal changes and the effects on the brain and mind can be a bitch. At 18 you are probably still feeling those effects.

Some of the things that have work for me and have in the past. Learn meditation and how to quieten your mind. It does take comittment though because it's not a 1,2,3 process and may take years to learn. There are books and articles on the internet and probably a thousand and one ways. If one way doesn't work, try another. It is an individual process though and what works for one may not work for another.

You hinted about reincarnation. Read up on the subject and look into religions that have practiced it in the past and current religions that still practice it. I truly believe that we do incarnate in the physical over and over again until we learn our lessons and move on. One of the most common messages in reincarnation that I have found in past life regressions is that we choose our circumstances that we are born into. Why be born like this with all the suffering, misery, confusion, depression and anxiety? It's just another obstacle to overcome. There are no right or wrongs but rather what is right or wrong for yourself. That is why you need to get to know yourself.

Head out to nature for a day or two. Buy a little two person tent or just a sleeping bag. Get away for a while to a secluded area to where there are no sounds of vehicles or people noise in general. We are a part of nature on this planet and it really helps to decompress the Psyche when you can experience that on a one on one level. If there are bears or big predators where you live, take something to protect yourself with. Just sit and listen. If you have an anxiety attack, just calm down and see what may be causing the anxiety. I can truly say that in the woods or forest or mountains away from the hustle and the bussle of people, I don't feel anxiety. Most times I don't hunt or fish, I just look and listen and ponder on the diversity of life. If spending the night or nights in the woods bothers you, just take a day trip.

Science and religion can help but too often times both have been wrong and have ended up with egg on their faces. I do believe in a Devine Creator and I also believe in evolution. I feel that our Spirits were created but in the same token I see the effects of evolution. The world, our Spirits, our bodies and our minds are in a constant, ever so slowly movement of change, some for the better and some for the worst. With that said, I believe our brains have evolved to a point that some of our minds can concieve that the physical body isn't neccisarily the chosen or preferred gender of our Spirits. That our true gender isn't the one that is confind to the type of genitals we're born with.

I know it's hard with OCD but try not to obsess over being a female in a male body. Take some time and get to know yourself. If I may suggest and if your not already, start doing more feminine things like growing long hair, shaving, watching "chik flicks" and so and see how you feel. You can still come across as a male with long hair. I shave because of hyper-hydrosis and having to sit in sweaty pants for hours on end without moving. Shaving has cured the infections I used to get from bacteria trapped between the hair and my skin. It's really not that taboo anymore and for me, way more hygenic and feminine feeling. Find like-minded face to face friends that you can hang out with and be yourself.

These are just some of the things that have worked for me and I in no way can be held responsible if you get eaten by a bear. But seriously though, good luck and I hope some of what I wrote helps you.

[salemasss]

Ironic, when I thought that being left alone somewhere far away from civilisation would be scary, because that way nobody could stop me from killing myself. But now I thought about what you said and maybe I'll try that as soon as winter ends. Long hair are out of question, as my father will get psycho and I'm afraid of him. But I guess I should try soul exploring. I'm scared to try women's clothes. One of the reasons being the fear that I will get addicted to them and I won't be able to live without dressing female. I can hardly do it as I'm never alone at home. Also I noticed that suicidal feeling go away after sometime and that is why I also shouldn't be panicking. Summer is coming and I always feel better at that time of year.

[Jess42]

Before you do that seclusion, away from everone and civilization for a couple of days, please don't do if you are feeling suicidal.

Pretty much the way I see things is with the long hair deal is that you are 18 you had mentioned? I don't know about your country but in the U.S. you have to or at least used to register for the selective service through the post office. That means if there is an all out war and the draft goes into effect, you will be drafted and have to fight and possibly die for your country. That, in my opinion, qualifies a person as an adult and an adult should be able to do express themselves the way they want. I have never bought that if you live under my roof, you follow my rules BS. Yes I can see respecting parents and being considerate of letting them know where you are going and what time you will be home and such, but what you wear and cerfews after 18, I just don't get.

Again, I don't want to pry but you mentioned your father going psycho and you're scared of him? Don't feel obligated to answer but only to yourself but is he overbearing and feels like he has to control everything, even you and your thoughts and views? You really shouldn't be afraid of your parents especially at 18 and that statement kind of concerns me. I know somone that has an overbearing father meaning that there are two ways, his way which is the only right way and the wrong way. He had controled every aspect of his son's life. It has had a severe negative effect on his son.

As for women's clothing, makeup and such. You have to decide on that. Sometimes just a weekend alone wearing the clothes and acting feminine in a motel room will quieten the urges to be feminine if only for a while and make it bearable. In other words, if you have the urge to look and act feminine let it out for a while to enjoy a little "pampering". I would suggest to look in the resource library section under the psychology section. There are really good articles on the psychology of being transgendered from crossdressing to transexualism to transitioning. Most of the time a person will fit into the categories. And then you have me that just knew from first memories and had no idea what transgender was.

I can't get the fear of your father going psycho and you being afraid of him. It just throws a red flag up in my mind. Does this cause you an undo amount of stress? This may also be causing your anxiety and wanting to transform into someone else as a relief from that stress and could be a trigger. The mind handles stress in some wild ways. Have you ever taken a trip to another town and rented a motel room for the weekend to see if the anxiety dissappears? I guess I'm pretty lucky in the sense that I got to make the desisions when I was growing up as long as no one got hurt or I wasn't breaking the law. Not saying I didn't break a few laws, but I was smart enough not to get caught.

I heard in your post a lot about fear. Remember the old saying that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself". Fear is a good mechanism for survival. It floods your body with adreneline for the fight or flight reflex, heightens your senses and so on. But unfounded fear is sort of like a whirlpool, once you are in the vortex it will drag you down and is one hell of a battle to break from the vortex. In your case you fear that dressing as a female will become an addiction and you won't be able to live without dressing as a female. You can without becoming addicted to it. It's just clothing and I enjoy looking the part but in the end it's just certain cloths sewn certain ways. The clothes don't make me feminine, it's what's on the inside that does. I can be feminine in male clothes. That pretty much is an unfounded fear. Fear of getting caught? Take a trip to another town where nobody knows you, rent a room and dress up privately. Just keep the shades closed. Even if someone does see you, they won't know who you are.

I have to repeat myself, if you are feeling suicidal, please don't seclude yourself or take any alone trips. Postpone them until you are not feeling suicidal and can get a handle on things.

[salemasss]

I feel stupid for not getting out of this crap when I'm already 19. Yes, I am afraid of my father and it was all my life like that. He is very picky and slightest thing can set him off. He's always acting like he's the best thing on earth and he is very miserable with his current life. He thinks that my mom is stupid and lazy that is not true. He says that we will be doomed without him. He says that I can't do anything right and that I will fail in life. He is very furious that I'm not interested in sports. He thinks that if I can't do 10 pull-ups I will be nothing in life. I have to cover my ears when I hear him talking in the coridor because I can't stand his voice. I keep having nightmares all my life where I do a small "thing out of line"(sometimes it's even briething) and he beats me up as a result.
Now about that motel, it will have to wait until I finish school so that I could get money for it. Despite what I've said I don't want to be weak person. I want to believe that something good is waiting for me in the future. I'm just explaining that I do feel stress because of my father all the time. I should get independant from him but I just have to wait until oppoturnities are good to leave my parent's home.

[Jess42]

I am so sorry for you salemasss. No one should have to go through that. Your father sounds like he's really the one with the issues and unfortunately you' re the one paying for it.

Have patience and look inward through these tough times and what seems may have been all your life. Abuse whether physical or emotional is something that no one should have to put up with. Sounds to me like he's kicked you down mentally. You have to get your self esteem back. I think if you do learn to meditate and look inward you'll see that you really aren't a weak person. The fact that you have put up with the BS for so long is proof of that. Not that it hasn't damaged your Psyche on some level though. That you can work on that by taking some time to get to know yourself.

Next time he verbally abuses you, be like a duck with water on it's back and just let it roll off. I know it's hard but don't let it get to you, he is the one with the problem and there really is nothing you can do or say to change that. But you on the other hand can take control of how you handle the situation. You can either feel hurt and or angered by it or just blow it off and go on about your business. You metioned you can sleep right? That is a good time when you lay down over and over in your mind just tell yourself that what he says and what he does will not bother you anymore. that he has and is the problem, not you. Fall asleep thinking that and eventually your subconscious will start reflecting those thoughts and you'll find it easier to deal with your father's attitude.

Don't give him the power to decide whether you win or fail in life. I won't tell you that there are no failures in life, because there are plenty. It's not a matter of if but a matter of when you will fail at something in life. Don't let your father's perceptions keep you from picking yourself up after that failure, wiping the dirt from your face and figure out another approach. Remember, Einstein failed math in grade school and look what he accomplished. Jimmy Hendrix couldn't read music but went on to become one of the most ingenious guitar players of our time. Just let your failures be your own, not because your father's perceptions are overshadowing and shaping your life. On the flip side your successes will be yours too. And there are plenty of people that aren' t interested in sports, me being one of them. If I had a child, I would much rather that child be more interested in physics, writing, music, etc. than being the local Friday night hero. Most of the Firday Night heros that I knew in school now pretty much have mediocre jobs. Not a one of them made it to the NFL. One went to college to play and the last time I saw him, he was working at a lumberyard.

Learn how to control your fear. Rather than fear your father, pity him. Pitying him instead of fearing him will boost your self esteem. His life is so miserable that he has to project that misery onto other's around him. He himself maybe crying out for help but don't know how to go about asking for it. Talk to him and ask him why he treats you and your mother the way he does. What's the worst he can do, hit you, beat you up? Then you can press charges, but I bet he won't.

I do hope this helps a little.

[salemasss]

Maybe I should talk with him, but I just don't want to. He said that he would rather watch his movies than talk with me until I change. All I want is for depression to be gone so that I wouldn't feel weak and could be independent from my parents. Having constant job is very important to me, because there is no other way for me to live on my own or better to live with person/people that would understand me. That's the only way to feel safe while transitioning. Still it's a matter of years before I will be able to take hormones. I just hope that my doctor will give me meds to ease my depression.

[salemasss]

Hello again. I mentioned somewhere else that I have OCD. I've been to my psychiatrist recently. She said that I'm not trans and all I have are intrusive thoughts. I tried to be as open as possible. She said that I don't even speak like trans person when I say "i tried to make breasts for me" or "i tried wearing women's clothes". And if I were really trans I wouldn't feel so horrible when accepting thoughts that I'm a woman. I felt a relief for a few days after that. Suicidal thoughts dissapeared, but now I'm doubting again. The main reason I don't want to be a transsexual is because I would lose contact with my family. Also when I was telling myself that I was trans I still had doubts ocasionally. I've seen films about such children and it surprised me how liitle boys weren't scared of others and tried to prove everyone that they were girls.I don't have such an experience. There were other reasons for doubting too, like I was begining to think I was a pedophile and I noticed that my reactions to those thoughts were similar to transsexual ones. And I remember before deciding I was a woman I smiled when some random man told that I was handsome dude. What is more, when I thought I was a woman, everyday was a torture for me. I thought I wouldn't be able to work until I get hormones because I could faint easily. But when I think that I'm a man I feel stronger but always doubting and questioning what I trully want. I imagine again how it will be living like a woman but I don't want let myself feel happy over those thoughts. And I don't most of the time. It really tires me. I wish I was happy as a man and that those thoughts would leave me alone. Psychiatrist said that hormones won't help me relax only make me look more feminine. And she said that she has expierence with other transsexuals. Any thoughts?

[suzifrommd]

She said that I don't even speak like trans person when I say "i tried to make breasts for me" or "i tried wearing women's clothes". And if I were really trans I wouldn't feel so horrible when accepting thoughts that I'm a woman.

This sounds like a load of malarkey. I'm real suspicious when I hear a psychotherapist tell a patient they're not trans. There are a lot of incompetent shrinks happily taking their patients' money and a bunch of other ones that believe that trans people need to be talked out of it. (Incompetent isn't the word for these. The only words that come to mind aren't allowed here.)

A therapist needs to allow the patient to come to their own conclusion. No one can tell you whether or not you're trans.

Of course I don't know the whole story, haven't met either one of you, but from what you'd write, I'd be very concerned.

[salemasss]

What others think?

[spacial]

What others think?

How to relax? Seriously?

I long ago realised we are told we are tense and not relaxed and that we should be.

We begin to believe it and that it is caused by some failure or inadequacy on our part.

In reality, we are what we are. There is no solution because there is no problem.

[suzifrommd]

What others think?

Salemasss, I wonder if you'd get more comments on this starting a new topic in the Therapy board. I think that board gets read by more people than the Non-Op board.

[Jess42]

This sounds like a load of malarkey. I'm real suspicious when I hear a psychotherapist tell a patient they're not trans. There are a lot of incompetent shrinks happily taking their patients' money and a bunch of other ones that believe that trans people need to be talked out of it. (Incompetent isn't the word for these. The only words that come to mind aren't allowed here.)

A therapist needs to allow the patient to come to their own conclusion. No one can tell you whether or not you're trans.

Of course I don't know the whole story, haven't met either one of you, but from what you'd write, I'd be very concerned.

I agree 100 percent. A mental professional is supposed to be non judgemental and allow you to come to your own conclusions.

How does a "trans" talk? Sounds like an assumption to me. Yes she may have dealt with other transgenders but there are also many variables. Geographical areas where the person grew up, what the person's family feels about ->-bleeped-<-, religious bearings, generational and about a million and a half more that I won't go into.

I will say this. In my generation and where I grew up, There is no way that I could try to convince the other children that I was a girl. I was sometimes mistaken as one but not after 11 or 12 yrs. If I would have tried, I would have been beaten everyday or worst. So I had to look, act and talk like a boy. Even with long hair but that goes with the whole guitar thing and was a really good excuse for wearing makeup if only for a little while.

Salemass, in case you don't know I will tell you. There is a tremedous difference between a psychotherapist and psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor. They do all the normal doctor stuff. They go to med school, do a residency and so on and then they decide to do the psychology deal. They are very knowledgable on how the brain works, but I find that they do lack on matters of the mind though. They can prescribe medicine that will help with mental problems such as depression, anxiety and so on.

A psychotherapist has a degree in strictly in Psychology. They cannot prescribe medicine but can refer you to a Psychiatrist and get you an appointment which is hard to do on your own. Pretty much they listen to you, provide feedback to what you may be able to do yourself and so on. I see a Psychotherapist and Psychiatrist. I have signed over to where the therapist can share with the doctor if I say so. My experience has been that the therapist is a lot more understanding, compassionate, asks what is bothering me, how it is affecting my life and so on. The Psychiatrist on the other hand does pretty much the same but it feels different to me and then she will explain this is what is going on with the brain, lets try this medication and see if it works and so on.

How many appoinments have you had with the Psychiatrist? You can't really get to know a person with a one hour session in order to come to a clear conclussion about that person. The only thing that I can tell you is what other's said on this thread and that is the only one that truly knows if you are transgendered or not is you.

Hello again. I mentioned somewhere else that I have OCD. I've been to my psychiatrist recently. She said that I'm not trans and all I have are intrusive thoughts. I tried to be as open as possible. She said that I don't even speak like trans person when I say "i tried to make breasts for me" or "i tried wearing women's clothes". 1 And if I were really trans I wouldn't feel so horrible when accepting thoughts that I'm a woman. I felt a relief for a few days after that. Suicidal thoughts dissapeared, but now I'm doubting again. 2.The main reason I don't want to be a transsexual is because I would lose contact with my family.3. Also when I was telling myself that I was trans I still had doubts ocasionally. I've seen films about such children and it surprised me how liitle boys weren't scared of others and tried to prove everyone that they were girls.I don't have such an experience. 4There were other reasons for doubting too, like I was begining to think I was a pedophile and I noticed that my reactions to those thoughts were similar to transsexual ones. And I remember before deciding I was a woman I smiled when some random man told that I was handsome dude. 5.What is more, when I thought I was a woman, everyday was a torture for me. I thought I wouldn't be able to work until I get hormones because I could faint easily. 6.But when I think that I'm a man I feel stronger but always doubting and questioning what I trully want. I imagine again how it will be living like a woman but I don't want let myself feel happy over those thoughts. And I don't most of the time. 7.It really tires me. I wish I was happy as a man and that those thoughts would leave me alone. Psychiatrist said that hormones won't help me relax only make me look more feminine. And she said that she has expierence with other transsexuals. Any thoughts?

A few things do bother me in your post above though.

#1 What kind of horrible feelings? I would say that I have never felt horrible, not even guilty. Sometimes somewhat selfish but not really for wishing for my own happiness instead of thinking of how it would effect my family and such. But never any "horrible feelings" other than being genetically male that is.

#2 I am transgender no matter what. I can't control that. I can choose to go through HRT or SRS or present as female or male, but I am still transgendered no matter what and that will never change and never has.

#3 It's in my post before I am breaking yours down to tiny bits. Not everyone is the same and not all experinces are the same. Those little "boys" may have extrememly supportive parents, not all of us do or did. Geographical locations may dictate that this is normal, other places this could never happen because of the old closed minded set.

#4 This statement really bothers me salemass. Make sure you tell your therapist and please maintain control and don't do anything to a child. As a matter of fact, your therapist or Psychiatrist has emergency numbers and Please call them ASAP. Don't hurt a child. Not just this statement but talking about feeling trans like you put that statement across maybe why she thinks it is intrusive thoughts. WIth this I think you need to call them ASAP and tell them about those thoughts.

#5 That is kind of worrisome too. Are you talking thinking you were a woman on a physical level or psychological level? Yes there is a level of anguish on a psychological level of wanting to change genders.

#6 Yes males are typically physically and emotionally stronger or better at hiding their emotions anyway. Yes, if you are just now coming to terms with being transgeder you may have big time doubts and confusion. Believe me hon, there is nothing to feel guilty about though thinking and wondering about being a female. Even if you are not transgendered, do you know how many cisgender people have these same thoughts and fantasies? I guarantee you, it is more the norm than the acception. Fantasies are ours, we own them. We can choose to share them or just go with them. Don't feel guilt or shame about them because it's just the way the mind works for whatever reason specific to you.

#7 I feel for you salemass. Don't let it get you down to the point that you are mentally exhausted. We have talked before and I had told you little things that you can do to make yourself feel more feminine. You don't really need the breasts or the genetals to do these little things and see how it makes you feel. Hair grows back fairly quickly if you shave your legs. growing long hair takes a while, wearing feminine underwear, no one ever has to know. I know you mentioned your dad would throw a fit, but really it is your body. The Psychiatrist is right, hormones will not make you more relaxed that is something that you have to learn to do. And with your confusion and going back and forth with feelings of being comfortable being male and wishing and wondering about being female, you really need to decide first. Keep seeing the Psychiatrist or therapist and work through the feelings. Eventually you will figure them out and then act on it accordingly.

Find some books or look on the internet about meditation. Believe me it will help with the relaxation issue. The transgender aspect, that is something you have to figure out but before doing anything like hormones and such make for certain without a doubt who you are and what you want to be. Your young so slow down, calm down and take your time because you'll have a far better outcome.

[salemasss]

Thanks for reply, Jess. My psychiatrist is both: psychiatrist and psychotherapist. I don't think she is transphobe, she was just trying to find arguments why there are only intrusive thoughts for me. She has studied for many years and things that she says make sense. I understand that I could have been acting manly because the society expects me so. But I have also found myself being very strict to myself. I already wrote what trigerred these thoughts. I feel calmer and more relaxed when I think that I'm a man. But there is just some kind of uncertainity. I notice that i'm different to other guys, but i'm gay, so that could be the reason. If a guy is more sensitive it doesn't make him TS. And I also have found cases where I was jealous for other guys for smth but can't remeber if was jealous for other girls. If I decide that I'm a woman, I start panicking, I lose interest in everything, I feel depressed and want just kill myself. I would prefer to be a man, because I don't know... it just feels fun, easy. I don't remeber ever thinking of myself being a girl when I was a kid. Haven't you heard of such thing as detransition? That's why a specialist help is needed so that people that are not really trans wouldn't damage their bodies with hormones. Maybe I'm just punishing myself because of the pressure I felt when growing up like "men never cry" "men must fight". I can't fight properly and I hate it. I just want to have my life tidy that I wouldn't doubt whether I am a man or a woman. BTW when talked to myself and my counsellor I was she woman, she told me, that she saw that what I told about wanting to become a woman didn't come straight from my heart. I feel like there's a virus inside me that i want to get out.

[Jess42]

Sounds like you have it figured out salemass. To be completely honest, I think that you could probably quit feeling like you could be transgendered. Some of the feelings you have shared kinda' pointed that way. Above all else just be yourself and true to yourself.

I hate to tell but all that old stereotype stuff is wrong, men do cry some in private, some alone and men aren't quite a strong as the persona that they put into the world. Some guys are sensitive and show it and others just don't show it.

But in my opinion, just from talking to you, if fantasizing, thinking inside that you are female or just a feminine guy, just stop it. Don't let it get to the point it effects your mentality. You are a man, apparently you are more comfortable being a man, since you panic when you think in terms of transgender, and really don't want to be a woman. Go with it and just be who you are.

By the way, I can't stress this enough but look in the reference library under the psychological sections. There is a section in there that talks about self identity of gender and the differences between gays, transgendered and straight people. Some of it is hard to grasp when they show the actual results of the research but just read the words and don't pay attention to the graphs and such. I think you'll find it extrememly interesting and satisfying in your case with your masculinity issues.