To the married folks

[translora]

why would anyone who is mtf get married prior to transitioning?

Janae,

You make it sound like "mtf" is some sort of cut-and-dried determination, which it's certainly not. I always thought of myself as a "happy crossdresser" and told my wife about it very early in our relationship (before we got married, because I always thought it would be impossible to build a solid relationship without coming clean about something so significant).

When my feelings changed at age 47, after 10 years of marriage and two kids, I was shocked and scared. It wasn't that I withheld anything or denied anything. I changed, plain and simple. It snuck up on me, and there's at least some indication that the natural reduction in my testosterone due to age may have been partly responsible. But the "why" didn't matter because, well, there it was, plain as day. And I had to deal with it. So I told her what was going on and got myself into therapy. (She finds it a very difficult thing to deal with, as you might expect.)

I got married because I fell in love. We had kids because we were in love. And the prospect of transition is a complication that no one -- least of all me -- anticipated or wanted. But it doesn't change the love part.

As such, I've already made a decision that I won't transition unless our relationship can survive. I'm lucky in that transition isn't a matter of life and death to me. I'm functional as a man, despite feeling like I could be significantly more functional as a transwoman. And though I'm hoping she will ultimately be accepting (which is not out of the question; she has done substantial advocacy work for the LGBT community), I'm prepared for the possibility that it just won't happen. I love her and my family enough to honor the commitment I made, something I'm fortunate to be able to do.

But my point to you is that everyone's trajectory is different. People change. Circumstances change. Feelings change.

It would be great if it were as simple as, "If you're MTF, don't get married." But it's just not.

Lora

[Heather]

I'm also gonna add that if I was dating / married to a guy and he told me he was trans, it would be over that minute. It would be a totally "No hard feelings" deal, but it would take me a while to even talk to him .... her again because it would take a long time for me to see past the past.

I completely agree I couldn't handle being in a lesbian relationship. I do kinda wonder if their wife's came out and told them they were men how many would be all happy about that?

[Janae]

It's actually quite simple. It's because we are in love... We want to love and be loved just like any other person. We want to feel deserving and we want to cherish this person who for some reason in our hearts makes the constant pain we carry fade away into the joy we feel for being with them... In our hearts, all people want to be loved more than anything else and we pray that those who we fall in love with will see us for who we are or the best we can be as we reciprocate in kind.

I have less than a week to my first HRT session and I have been married for less than a year... I was engaged to my wife for nearly ten years before that though. Before we were engaged she asked me if I would ever cheat on her. I replied I would sooner get a sex change rather than cheat on her...  She laughed and I did too, but the strain was too much and I told her about my repressed gender issues. I told her everything and she chalked it up to childhood experimentation, "I'm sure every little boy has done things like that, but you have the courage and honesty to admit to it". In my heart I wanted to believe her and I think I truly convinced myself. All my repressed emotions started to seep out from me slowly as my love for her grew.

I cannot speak for anyone else here, but I'm looking forward to my first appointment as the opportunity to love my wife as I truly feel inside. As my TRUE self rather than the construct built to conform to the wishes of my family. I also have incredible fear that she will be repulsed by who I am. I pray that she can accept it and so does she. The only thing I want more than to transition is to have her love in my life, and if it means I die as her man (although it makes me weep to think it), then so be it. I'm hoping love finds a way. I would love to dive into the pools of Sappho with her, but if she is afraid of the water then I will walk by the water's edge, hand in hand. As long as I have her warm embrace, I will endure.

That's why I got married even though I suspected I was transgender. I suspect there are more stories out there of a similar vein. Some of them have to have a happy ending!

Thanks for the reply. It's always good to get insight from someone who's living this.

I understand wanting to be loved, we all do, I just don't understand getting married knowing your trans and the potential issues this could cause latter. I've always had boyfriends so my being trans prior to transitioning never stopped me from having/findding a love life. I'm wondering if there were specific factors that led you to getting married. Did you go into this because of societal & family pressure? I'm assuming this is a major reason why people do this. Are you lesbian? I ask because you had to be attracted to your wife to marry her. Will you date men after you transition?

I always knew I was different before I even knew I was trans. Even as a teenager going through the pain I was feeling. I consider myself a heterosexual. I dated men as a guy and now that I'm transitioning. I never looked at females as anything but potential friends. So the possibility of getting married to a female in my case is laughable. I waited till I was 29 to start to fully transition after starting at 16. Most of the girls I know/knew growing up all started transitioning as teens. Maybe it's a generational thing. Growing up I didn't know a single girl who latter married a female and had kids and I still don't. That kind of situation is foreign to me even though I knew it existed/exists. It's just not a common thing in the community I was in growing up.

I hope you find peace and that your situation works out in the end.

[Janae]

Janae,

You make it sound like "mtf" is some sort of cut-and-dried determination, which it's certainly not. I always thought of myself as a "happy crossdresser" and told my wife about it very early in our relationship (before we got married, because I always thought it would be impossible to build a solid relationship without coming clean about something so significant).

When my feelings changed at age 47, after 10 years of marriage and two kids, I was shocked and scared. It wasn't that I withheld anything or denied anything. I changed, plain and simple. It snuck up on me, and there's at least some indication that the natural reduction in my testosterone due to age may have been partly responsible. But the "why" didn't matter because, well, there it was, plain as day. And I had to deal with it. So I told her what was going on and got myself into therapy. (She finds it a very difficult thing to deal with, as you might expect.)

I got married because I fell in love. We had kids because we were in love. And the prospect of transition is a complication that no one -- least of all me -- anticipated or wanted. But it doesn't change the love part.

As such, I've already made a decision that I won't transition unless our relationship can survive. I'm lucky in that transition isn't a matter of life and death to me. I'm functional as a man, despite feeling like I could be significantly more functional as a transwoman. And though I'm hoping she will ultimately be accepting (which is not out of the question; she has done substantial advocacy work for the LGBT community), I'm prepared for the possibility that it just won't happen. I love her and my family enough to honor the commitment I made, something I'm fortunate to be able to do.

But my point to you is that everyone's trajectory is different. People change. Circumstances change. Feelings change.

It would be great if it were as simple as, "If you're MTF, don't get married." But it's just not.

Lora

Lora

I'm not trying to make it sound like anything other than what it is. In your case you cross-dressed and latter came to terms that you were in fact trans. That I understand. And your wife was well aware of your cross-dressing before marriage. So with that I can see your wife at least having been forewarned before saying I do. This to me is much different than a wife having no clue only to wake up one day with a husband who expresses he's trans. I also understand it's not as simple as "If you're MTF, don't get married." I just don't get bringing someone, uninformed, into a potentially heartbreaking situation down the line.

I'm not sure of your sexual orientation but in a way I think it matters in these situations. I was never attracted to females so marrying one was never a possibility for me, and even if I was I'd never even go there knowing the feelings I was having. Again in your case your wife had a clue somewhat so I'm sure coming out as trans wasn't to much of a shock for her. I just think about the wives who have no clue. The ones who get married to what they assume is a heterosexual man, and not a potential lesbian transwoman. I'm sure anyone can see where the issue arises. So when this topic comes up and I read about the hurt feelings,the pain, divorce or possible divorce, I just wonder if it was worth it for those who knew they were trans or had trans-related feelings prior to getting married.

[Cindy]

Lora

I'm not trying to make it sound like anything other than what it is. In your case you cross-dressed and latter came to terms that you were in fact trans. That I understand. And your wife was well aware of your cross-dressing before marriage. So with that I can see your wife at least having been forewarned before saying I do. This to me is much different than a wife having no clue only to wake up one day with a husband who expresses he's trans. I also understand it's not as simple as "If you're MTF, don't get married." I just don't get bringing someone, uninformed, into a potentially heartbreaking situation down the line.

I'm not sure of your sexual orientation but in a way I think it matters in these situations. I was never attracted to females so marrying one was never a possibility for me, and even if I was I'd never even go there knowing the feelings I was having. Again in your case your wife had a clue somewhat so I'm sure coming out as trans wasn't to much of a shock for her. I just think about the wives who have no clue. The ones who get married to what they assume is a heterosexual man, and not a potential lesbian transwoman. I'm sure anyone can see where the issue arises. So when this topic comes up and I read about the hurt feelings,the pain, divorce or possible divorce, I just wonder if it was worth it for those who knew they were trans or had trans-related feelings prior to getting married.

There is also a desire in many 'men' to hope that acting like a man, either through marriage, taking on ultra-masculine jobs, sports etc will 'cure' them.

I have heard from a therapist that he gets transwomen presenting to him and saying 'please cure me, make me a man', unfortunately for them the cure is to aid them to be the woman that they are.

Denial is often our first port of call.

[Janae]

I think its because they want to live a normal life and they really think they push these feelings aside. I do see the wife's point of view more I'll admit because I know I couldn't handle that situation. But I do understand the pain the person transitioning is going through because I've seen what it's like for someone to have to go through a divorce like this and they suffer too. I don't think anybody would intentionally do this too a spouse and most hope that these feelings will just go away.

Thanks for responding.

I think it's possible to have a normal life without bringing someone into a potentially heartbreaking situation. There's nothing wrong with having these feelings and having a relationship. It happens all the time, But I don't think getting married helps anyone in the end, least of all the wives.

I do agree that I don't think any of this is intentional, I don't think anyone's that cruel.

[KabitTarah]

There is also a desire in many 'men' to hope that acting like a man, either through marriage, taking on ultra-masculine jobs, sports etc will 'cure' them.

I have heard from a therapist that he gets transwomen presenting to him and saying 'please cure me, make me a man', unfortunately for them the cure is to aid them to be the woman that they are.

Denial is often our first port of call.

This. Some women join the military, some become husbands, some just stay confused and alone for years.

I never lied to my wife in our 10 years of marriage. I lied to myself, which affected her by extension. It took her a long time to understand that.

[Yukari-sensei]

Thanks for the reply. It's always good to get insight from someone who's living this.

I understand wanting to be loved, we all do, I just don't understand getting married knowing your trans and the potential issues this could cause latter. I've always had boyfriends so my being trans prior to transitioning never stopped me from having/findding a love life. I'm wondering if there were specific factors that led you to getting married. Did you go into this because of societal & family pressure? I'm assuming this is a major reason why people do this. Are you lesbian? I ask because you had to be attracted to your wife to marry her. Will you date men after you transition?

I always knew I was different before I even knew I was trans. Even as a teenager going through the pain I was feeling. I consider myself a heterosexual. I dated men as a guy and now that I'm transitioning. I never looked at females as anything but potential friends. So the possibility of getting married to a female in my case is laughable. I waited till I was 29 to start to fully transition after starting at 16. Most of the girls I know/knew growing up all started transitioning as teens. Maybe it's a generational thing. Growing up I didn't know a single girl who latter married a female and had kids and I still don't. That kind of situation is foreign to me even though I knew it existed/exists. It's just not a common thing in the community I was in growing up.

I hope you find peace and that your situation works out in the end.

Thank you and I thank you for the opportunity to share. I have so much fear for the future; but, a great deal of hope!

As to childhood,  I knew that I felt different, but couldn't quite understand why. I wanted to play football to make my uncles happy, but I always wanted to be a nurturer and a protector. It was all so confusing... I remember dropping pennies into every wishing well or the sink drain if no wishing well could be found, and wish God would make me a girl. When I figured out God doesn't work that way anymore, I prayed he would take away my feelings. Still I never had any attraction for a boy, I always wanted to be married to a girl, but I also wanted to be a mother. When I saw my aunt get married I wondered why I could not marry a girl and be a bride too. I could never understand why and cautious questions seemed to just raise eyebrows, so I just turned to books to run from my questions.

Puberty was especially cruel as I hated what was happening to me, yet hoped in the end it would make me more attractive to women. The clothes I secretly had hidden and the makeup started to look less like a girl trying to be a woman and more like a man in drag. I did not know what a lesbian was then, I lived in a rural backwater in Texas! The idea of loving women and yet feeling like one on the inside seemed ridiculous on the one hand; however, it was of no consequence, I was being drafted into masculinity anyway.

My mother was being abused by my father back then and I had to step in to be the protector. I exchanged blows with my father to clarify hitting a woman was not without consequence. When he eventually left, my mother was reduced to panic attacks and wailing in a fetal position on the floor. I had to be the rock of my family. I feared for my little sister and the absence of a strong male role model... I conformed to expectations, I was to try to be a hidalgo, a great Latino gentleman, who I modeled on my grandfather with a bit of Frasier Crane thrown in (I liked Frasier, what can I say).

In some people's eyes, I did this too well and the shock at my revelation has been heartbreaking. My mother gave me a picture of myself with my grandfather and keeps asking, "what would he think! you were his little mijito!" My friends on the other hand saw through the cracks and this seems to be the elusive explanation of many unexplained idiosyncrasies too numerous to go into detail here. I was shocked at the number of "well that explains it!" I've received from friends.

As to a future of dating men... That would imply my marriage had failed first. I love my wife and as stated previously I have never been attracted to a man. If I were a widow or heaven forbid divorced (and I would stop transitioning if I had to to keep her), I could not rule it out. But I sure would not be looking for it... I firmly believe that while we all have a propensity to prefer one gender more than the other (even bi people seldom have even dating ratios), love strikes us in ways we never expect or know. If two hearts open up to each other and it's not from the gender you expect, why lament it? I guess that qualifies me as an lesbian with an overly developed sense of the romantic. I can live with that.

[Tessa James]

Life is not something we can totally plan at any age really.  How many of us really knew all our life that we were transgender and that we were going to successfully transition?  I am looking forward to our 39th wedding anniversary this November.  While permanence is an illusion, relationships need not be bound by the common paradigms of this temporary culture.  Make your own marriage about your ideals and needs and let the good times roll.  With a bisexual orientation it is easy for me to love the person more than the gender or sex.  Yes, if my wife was FtM i'd stay too.  Don't fall for the binary trap.  There are plenty of women that are masculine and guys that are very feminine.  They aren't all transgender folks.  Ever masturbate?  Was that a mans hand on your penis then?

We have allowed ourselves maximum freedoms to learn and grow and be the best we can be.  If we love someone doesn't it follow that we want the best for them , even if it is not us all the time?

Any significant long term relationship takes effort and isn't the depth of your love worth it?  Mine is and I will continue to cherish every loving day we have had together.  When we part, and that's a certainty unless we die together, we will still have loving memories and deep family connections that include our children, grandchildren, great grandson and a great circle of friends. 

Yup, life comes with curves, earthquakes, floods and fires.  A solid partnership can successfully endure them all.  I fully enjoy now being a wife to my wife.  I also understand that most people won't think our lifestyle is the way for them.  Freedom is having the ability to choose.  What do you want in a LTR?

[Carlita]

There is also a desire in many 'men' to hope that acting like a man, either through marriage, taking on ultra-masculine jobs, sports etc will 'cure' them.

I have heard from a therapist that he gets transwomen presenting to him and saying 'please cure me, make me a man', unfortunately for them the cure is to aid them to be the woman that they are.

Denial is often our first port of call.

That is so true. And for those of us who first confronted these issues 30 or even 40 years ago you also have to bear in mind how very different things were then. One shrink after another told me that my dysphoria was just a fantasy and encouraged me to lead a conventional male life. So I believed them ... I thought dysphoria was something that only hit me when I was depressed. It took me, literally, decades to accept that the dysphoria was the cause of the depression. I'd put the cart before the horse.

Plus, I had always had girlfriends, not boyfriends, so I knew I was capable of loving and making love to woman - although the latter was often very problematic. And I loved my wife and longed to have a proper family, having come from a very dysfunctional childhood myself.

Plus, the choice between having a successful male life - a great job, money, social acceptance, a family - and life as a 'weirdo' transsexual (I'm using words that would have been used back then) was so stark ...

Plus, I actually could function socially and professionally as a man. I wasn't the kind of boy who has never ever felt like, or acted like anything but a girl. No one suspected anything ... And I thought to myself (still do sometimes): well, I have a very rational, ultra-'male' way of thinking; I love sports; I'm definitely a father to my children, maybe I'm supposed to stay this way.

All in all, there was huge internal and external pressure on me to be the man I had apparently been born, raised and educated to be. So I went with it and did my absolute level best to be a good husband and father. It is the greatest tragedy of my life that I simply can't carry on doing it any longer.

And to Maid of Orleans comment that: You can't expect your straight wives to want to stay with you should you transition. If they still want to be friends that's good and awesome but to expect them to want to continue to be in a partnered sexual relationship is selfish in it's own right.'

... I would say, yes, you're absolutely right that one can't expect that. Nor do I expect it. But that does not mean to say that a long-term, loving marriage can't be redefined in a new way. Each couple has to find its own way through this. many split. Some stay together, albeit in a very altered state.

But if there's one thing I know about being TS, it's that there's no absolute right or wrong about any of this; no answer or explanation that fits us all; no bold statement that applies to all circumstances ...

Except, perhaps, this: love is what matters. If that can be cherished and nurtured, and if it can survive all the terrible problems that dysphoria leaves in its wake, then anything is possible ...

[Tessa James]

Carlita you nailed it again.  Well said girl!  I never even heard the word transgender growing up and all gay people lived in NYC or SF.  I went to a psychologist back in 82 and told him I did not feel like a man.  He tried to convince me I was just in a phase of becoming more gay and that being Bi is a myth.  Ha ha ha, this phase seems life long so far.

Yes indeed love will and can find a way............music starts

[chrissydr]

My wife to this day swears that she knew about me wanting to transition before me. She has been asking me our whole relationship cause she knew about my cross-dressing and my behaviour. Although it didn't make it easier when it happened. She has still taken it rather hard and is bipolar about it.

She swears that she loves me for me no matter what and will love me as a woman as much as she loves me now. But only time can tell

[Carlita]

Carlita you nailed it again.  Well said girl!  I never even heard the word transgender growing up and all gay people lived in NYC or SF.  I went to a psychologist back in 82 and told him I did not feel like a man.  He tried to convince me I was just in a phase of becoming more gay and that being Bi is a myth.  Ha ha ha, this phase seems life long so far.

Yes indeed love will and can find a way............music starts

Thanks, hon! And let the music play!

[JoanneB]

My wife and I are still shooting through that cosmic worm hole dealing with my taking on the trans beast. From my experience and from others here I can certainly say two weeks is hardly no time at all to give up hope. At the same time, two weeks is more than enough time to sink your ship.

THe number one No-No seems to be taking on the attitude of "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" after dropping the T-Bomb. Understandable given the sense of relief, even joy, of actually finally getting telling your SO. Yet not wide when you consider how you spent years, perhaps decades comming to grips with it so how can you expect someone without a clue to get a handle on it.

The corollary is Baby Steps. Take it slow and easy

A big relationship saver is plenty of open honest communication. Though talking, especially over such deep emotional subjects, does not come easy to me I just knew I needed to, even if my wife, "The Yacker", never brought things up. Just be careful in gauging the TMI point. (re above too much, too fast)

It has been 4 years now, made all the more difficult dealing with a long distance relationship since I was working far out of state, and especially me being unsure of what I need and want to do ultimately do. Yet, seeing the results of my personal growth I've undergone as I travel along this road of self discovery has made me far better person and strengthened our love and relationship.

Sure, this has cost us gallons of tears and plenty of angst. So far it's been worth the trip. I am constantly on guard to avoid slipping back into the lifeles, soulless, joyless, machine I had grown into while avoiding even burying a portion of my true self

[KabitTarah]

A big relationship saver is plenty of open honest communication. Though talking, especially over such deep emotional subjects, does not come easy to me I just knew I needed to, even if my wife, "The Yacker", never brought things up. Just be careful in gauging the TMI point. (re above too much, too fast)

This is exactly where we went wrong, and are just starting to come up to speed. My wife went silent from day one... for about 2 months. The only way I could get her to talk about anything was by getting so frustrated that I said something stupid (online) for her to take the wrong way. Being an open communicator talking to a brick wall leads to TMI really quickly... and I'm surrounded by brick walls in most of those who know. I really don't know how to judge what is TMI when people won't talk to me. . . and I talk too much.

Lack of communication is the big problem, though. Not just juding TMI, but being talked about behind my back. I can't tell one person something without everyone knowing, it seems (and as my wife has pointed out). I told my name to just my 3 supporters and my wife was mad at me for "lying" to her therapist when she asked if I'm using another name at home (I hesitated and said no... and it's not a lie). It all comes down to... if you don't want to know, let me know that. If you're angry when I hold information back, I will be free with the information in the future.

Yeah... I'm doing it wrong. I just don't see any other way to do it. I'm contemplating staying silent, but that hasn't worked in the past either.

[Amelia Pond]

For me, I had some feelings every now and then my entire life but I always repressed them. I didn't even remember having them until I came out to myself. I spent over 31 years believing that I was a heterosexual male. I've been with my wife for 16 years now (married for 14). We got married because we loved each other and we had kids because we loved each other. If I had consciously known that I was trans, things would have been different but I didn't know.

Truth be told, I did expect my wife to want to stay married to me after coming out to her but I didn't expect sex anymore. She's 100% straight, why would I? On the flip side, if she was a trans man and I was a heterosexual male, I'd still want to stay with her but there would be no sex with that either because I've never liked guys. I completely understand not wanting to have sex but marriage isn't all about sex or shouldn't be. It's about loving/supporting the other person and building a life together.

Right now, we're both committed to making our marriage work because we love each other. The problems we have right now is that I'm too "girly" (mostly about what I like to talk about) for her and she's emotionally too "manly" (not emotionally supportive of me, which has always been a problem) for me. So if my marriage ends, it's not really due to my transition anyways, for the most part.

Amy

[Jenna Marie]

I'm odd, I guess, because I genuinely believe that I *was* a boy and then a man... for a while. I can look back and see hints, but I'll never know now how much of that is influenced by the way I feel now and the temptation to search for "proof" in my past. Regardless, I lived happily as a cis male for many years. I wasn't lying to anybody, including myself.

And then, as someone else said, I changed. It happens. I never made a conscious choice to marry despite knowing I was trans; I got married as a man, and realized after 9 years of marriage that NOW I needed to transition. I've been very fortunate that my wife was willing to make the journey through transition along with me. (I am also bisexual, so while I'm sure it'd be stressful and sometimes weird if she transitioned, I'd stand by her too. In fact, my gender issues have led to her figuring out that she's non-binary, and I've supported and encouraged her in that.) I honestly suspect that one reason my marriage survived is that we've been together so long - we first met when we were 15 - that my wife had all the clues in the past that I did, and yet neither of us had any idea that this was my life's trajectory. She didn't feel deceived or betrayed.

Kabit : I'm sorry that things have gone so terribly wrong for you. It sounds heartbreaking. (I assume you aren't suggesting that I'm in denial now, though?) If your wife is unwilling or unable to work on your marriage, there isn't much you can do by yourself... and "unwilling" includes refusing to communicate, which has to be a nightmare for you.

[KabitTarah]

I'm odd, I guess, because I genuinely believe that I *was* a boy and then a man... for a while. I can look back and see hints, but I'll never know now how much of that is influenced by the way I feel now and the temptation to search for "proof" in my past. Regardless, I lived happily as a cis male for many years. I wasn't lying to anybody, including myself.

And then, as someone else said, I changed. It happens. I never made a conscious choice to marry despite knowing I was trans; I got married as a man, and realized after 9 years of marriage that NOW I needed to transition. I've been very fortunate that my wife was willing to make the journey through transition along with me. (I am also bisexual, so while I'm sure it'd be stressful and sometimes weird if she transitioned, I'd stand by her too. In fact, my gender issues have led to her figuring out that she's non-binary, and I've supported and encouraged her in that.) I honestly suspect that one reason my marriage survived is that we've been together so long - we first met when we were 15 - that my wife had all the clues in the past that I did, and yet neither of us had any idea that this was my life's trajectory. She didn't feel deceived or betrayed.

Kabit : I'm sorry that things have gone so terribly wrong for you. It sounds heartbreaking. (I assume you aren't suggesting that I'm in denial now, though?) If your wife is unwilling or unable to work on your marriage, there isn't much you can do by yourself... and "unwilling" includes refusing to communicate, which has to be a nightmare for you.

No, no... I'm not saying anyone is in denial... just saying to watch out for it... since it's a good possibility for us as well as them. I think it's overlooked that we can grieve over our loss too. We have something bigger going on and are "prepared" to take losses, but nothing really prepares you for it.

It has been painful... and it's getting better. It seems like people are pussyfooting around me when I'd rather just address their concerns directly. In fact, only my mother has been straight with me - and that's painful, stressful, and includes lots of emotion (anger, sadness, happiness, the full range)... but it gets somewhere. Saying nothing, ignoring the problem, or plotting behind my back is dangerous and worse than direct confrontation.

[suzifrommd]

I'm odd, I guess, because I genuinely believe that I *was* a boy and then a man... for a while. I can look back and see hints, but I'll never know now how much of that is influenced by the way I feel now and the temptation to search for "proof" in my past. Regardless, I lived happily as a cis male for many years. I wasn't lying to anybody, including myself.

And then, as someone else said, I changed. It happens. I never made a conscious choice to marry despite knowing I was trans; I got married as a man, and realized after 9 years of marriage that NOW I needed to transition.

This is me. I felt like a male my whole life (but one who didn't like the role and wished he could become female).

My wife knew what kind of person I was and accepted me then. Unfortunately when I began to realize I was transgender, she slowly stopped accepting me. She told me recently during one of the divorce proceedings that she feels betrayed.

[DrBobbi]

I'm just going to say it because it needs to be said as many times as possible.

You can't expect your straight wives to want to stay with you should you transition. If they still want to be friends that's good and awesome but to expect them to want to continue to be in a partnered sexual relationship is selfish in it's own right.

So true! Fortunetley my 23 year marriage ended well before I started transitioning, however, I started dating a woman after starting HRT and recently we broke up after she said "I don't want to date a woman." I followed with, "Neither do I." We laughed and are now friends.