Lying. Curious about your opinions?

[randomdude5]

Right. Before I start... I am sorry if there are typos as I am on my phone hah.

Ok so first of all... To me, I go through transition to live a normal life as a guy. I think this is the case for everyone on here. But ideally, for me, no one would know... Not even an SO... Most people here I have seen post disclose to SOs... I was just wondering your opinion on lying to your SO.

Say you met them after having been on T and after having bottom and top surgery. Would you ever consider just making something up instead of saying "By the way... I am actually trans!"? Would you consider saying something like "I had a birth defect... Underdevelopped penis. So they had to reconstruct it." ? Lol. That wouldn't even be so much of a lie if you think about it...

I know many people think it is their partner's right to know. But I mean... Regular people do not tell their partners their entire medical history... Do they?!

[chuck]

That's pretty much exactly what I say. I do not consider it lying and I do not consider myself trans. I guess it's all about perspective.

And I think it's ridiculous that people feel like they have to disclose anything to their SO and especially to a casual partner. The only exception in my opinion would be HIV status or STI status. But why the heck do I need to give someone a run down of my genitals?

Bottom line for me is that it's my choice. If a woman has had an abortion should she explain it to her partner ? Is she LYING if she doesn't? Like I said, perspective.

[Adam (birkin)]

I don't think it is lying. I'd have to tell a partner at this point as I am pre-surgery, but, afterwards I have thought there is not much need to tell someone.

[bethany]

Please excuse me for jumping in on this conversation.

In a perfect world everybody would be open minded and accepting, but this if far from a perfect world.

Lets say you are a cis male and meet this wonderful woman who just happens to be post op. But she never tells you this. You two get married and decide to start a family. She wants to adopt a chid and you want to have her give birth to you own child. She tells you she can't get pregnant but does not say why.

What would happen if you suggest going to a clinic to find out why she can't carry your baby? Then the doctor comes out and tells you the truth?

How would that make you feel? Would you trust her if she did not tell you why?
With holding  such important information like this; to me is no different than telling a lie. A loving relationship has to be built on trust. Without trust there is nothing. And trust all starts with open conmunication.

Yes this is far fetched and would most likely never get this far without her breaking down and telling you the truth.   

[randomdude5]

Yes I 100% get what you are saying, Bethany.

I would tell them beforehand though, that I am infertile, (Best term I can think of?) because I do believe that it is in their right to know before we would get into anything serious like marriage, whether or not we would be able to have biological children together.

As for whether or not I would feel lied to... I personally wouldn't, but of course, that is because I get the whole trans thing. My answer might or might not have been different had I been cis, I can't say for sure because I'm not.

For me it is less about having them accept me for it or not. It is more about me hoping I can one day just put this behind me and live my life like anyone else. I mean I know I will always be trans, there is nothing I can do about that, nor would I want to change it... After all it has made me who I am, and I must say I really do like who I am!

I think I would struggle to be with someone who, while they may be accepting, knew of my past. Maybe I am just afraid of always having them see me as a trans guy and not just a guy, even though they wouldn't say so, but I'm not sure... This is why I am just curious about what others think. Different opinions usually give you different perspective about something.

And chuck, that is kind of how I see it right now too... Of course any STD would have to be disclosed because it could potentially put your partner at risk.

[bethany]

Yes I 100% get what you are saying, Bethany.

I would tell them beforehand though, that I am infertile, (Best term I can think of?) because I do believe that it is in their right to know before we would get into anything serious like marriage, whether or not we would be able to have biological children together.

As for whether or not I would feel lied to... I personally wouldn't, but of course, that is because I get the whole trans thing. My answer might or might not have been different had I been cis, I can't say for sure because I'm not.

For me it is less about having them accept me for it or not. It is more about me hoping I can one day just put this behind me and live my life like anyone else. I mean I know I will always be trans, there is nothing I can do about that, nor would I want to change it... After all it has made me who I am, and I must say I really do like who I am!

I think I would struggle to be with someone who, while they may be accepting, knew of my past. Maybe I am just afraid of always having them see me as a trans guy and not just a guy, even though they wouldn't say so, but I'm not sure... This is why I am just curious about what others think. Different opinions usually give you different perspective about something.

And chuck, that is kind of how I see it right now too... Of course any STD would have to be disclosed because it could potentially put your partner at risk.

I agree people should be loved for who they are not what they are. I get that because I am not a cis gender person. I want to be loved, liked, and respected for the person I am; and not because of the trans label that society placed upon me. Again that would be my perfect world; but this world does not think like that for the most part. 

Now how would you answer these two questions if you were asked them. "What happend? Why are you infertial?"

[chuck]

I agree people should be loved for who they are not what they are. I get that because I am not a cis gender person. I want to be loved, liked, and respected for the person I am; and not because of the trans label that society placed upon me. Again that would be my perfect world; but this world does not think like that for the most part. 

Now how would you answer these two questions if you were asked them. "What happend? Why are you infertial?"

"That's just how I was born." "there was a problem with my testicles" "I never developed testicles correctly" "My hormones made me infertile"

[kelly_aus]

I'd disclose my past.. If I didn't and my partner found out, there's grounds for a very painful divorce.. And that ignores the fact that I'm an honest person..

And in this digital age, stealth doesn't cost much to strip away.. Nor would it be hard..

[~RoadToTrista~]

I know many people think it is their partner's right to know. But I mean... Regular people do not tell their partners their entire medical history... Do they?!

You say that as if being trans isn't a big deal, it is. In some perfect, openminded world where everyone's accepting and trans people can have babies and whatever else, maybe it wouldn't be, but in this world? Yes, it is. Why do you need a serious relationship where you can't be honest with your partner? If you need to have such a big secret between the two of you to keep you together, then why is it worth it?

[randomroads]

This is an easy topic for me -

It's no one's business. I don't need to tell anyone anything I don't feel like disclosing. If I were able to pass as a genetic male with all the right equipment, that's all they need to know. Questions? 'I was born with birth defects that left me infertile as a man and I had to have reconstructive surgery.'
If someone decided they want children after I'd married them? I'd leave them. I 100% refuse to have genetic children because I believe it's morally wrong to constantly breed like rabbits when there are already children out there that need loving homes. Anyone who'd ignore them lacks compassion and I don't want anything to do with someone like that. I'd leave them in a heart beat.

[Contravene]

I think it just depends on how much you care about the person. I agree that there's no need to tell someone if you're only in a casual relationship with them and it may not even be a good idea to but I also wouldn't claim that a casual relationship is the same as having a significant other.

If you actually have a significant other and love that person you'll probably find that eventually you want to share who you are with them so that they can not only be a part of your life but a part of who you are as well. That being said, you don't have to rush into telling someone about your history. It's better to gauge how the person may react after finding out. I think it would become a huge burden to always hide or deny it and if they find out from someone else later they'll most likely feel betrayed, breaking the trust in the relationship. Plus why would you want to hide it and have a significant relationship with someone who may not completely accept you if they found out what you are or were?

You can go through life saying you had a birth defect for as long as you want but if you actually believe that all you had was a birth defect then you're probably in denial yourself. Your birth defect was having a body that was the wrong gender which makes you transgender. There's no getting around that. Instead of completely denying it, you can look at it as having been transgender if you've completed your transition.

[Edge]

I think it would be a very difficult thing to cover up permanently and it would be best to tell before they find out from someone else, but I agree there's no reason someone if it's just a casual relationship.

[calico]

I think I understand the OP and IMO (and current situation) I have not told my BF about me. I currently have birth defects and the dr I see told me (without knowing) that for me to attempt to have children would be a bad idea, and no he isn't a doctor who has seen down there its just a circumstance of my defect and disease. I know this is a greatly conflictual argument but to be honest its not because I feel if I told him he would leave me (I don't think he would) its because its something I mentally need, that saying all I ever wanted is a normal relationship and to leave this defect behind me, as it sits now I am happier than I have ever been. I feel and this is purely on me that is I told him, and he stayed with me I wouldn't be able to get the thought that he would now see me as less than what I feel I am even though he may never admit it, it would be in my head that he had this thought  in his head. I know that because of this makes me a bit insecure, but what is this really if all it does and make me happy and no harm is done I applaud those who are out and proud, bur for me all I want/ever wanted is a normal life, to be done with the trans problem and up till this year I hadn't had it. So Randomdude I get it

[Adam (birkin)]

I 100% refuse to have genetic children

That's actually something that is true for me as well - I'd never want to get a woman pregnant even if I was able to. I don't think I'd leave someone for wanting her own kids, but...I'd really like to be with someone who would prefer adoption as well.

[musicofthenight]

I think I would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed if this issue came out accidentally.  I'd take it personally: if my love has to hide such a significant chapter of her life from me, I must haven't done enough to earn her trust.

[Ayden]

I honestly feel that lying to your significant other about something like that (I transitioned) is wrong. If its someone that you love, truly, you're honest. It's a basic curtesy. I would never lie about something like transition even if it meant that we separated. It's not up to you to decide how worthy your partner is of knowing you. If you think it is, the I don't think you understand what a long term relationship or marriage really mean.

In my husbands opinion as a long term spouse, lying about something like that is "a deal breaker. If someone doesn't consider their partner worthy of knowing the truth, maybe they aren't mature enough to be in any relationship."

Saying you were a good football player is one thing, but lying about a huge portion of your life experiences negates everything about who you are as a person. What happens if they want to see pictures of you in the past? Are you going to cut out your entire family? Why punish everyone because of transition?

Also, I don't care how good the surgeries get, it's never going to be authentic. Frankly? What we have now is a hell of a lot better than even five years ago. Does it pass completely? No. It looks good but it doesn't look or function like a natal penis. What happens when you have to replace the erection rods? What all the scars that all surgeries leave? What about your hormones? Are you going to do your shots in the woods?

Point is your partner will find out, and it will hurt them. Transition will never go away. You don't have XY DNA, and you never will. I'm not saying I negates being a man mentally, but it certainly affects you for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry for anyone who takes it personally, but that's just life. If you care about someone as a person, you are willing to be honest and deal with heartache. You don't have to tell on the first date, but I think not disclosing early is a recipe for disaster.

[DriftingCrow]

Lets try one more time (dverytine I reply it wipes my post clean and tries to make me start a new topic). .   

Heres my post again in a nutshell:

- its easy to find anything out nowadays and people are curious. Saying "I have a birth defect, now shut up woman you ha e no business asking" isn't going to get a SO to not be curious. She'll type in "T shots, penis scar, chest scar" in google and will eventually come across an ftm site.

- Mom dies, you and SO go to clean out the house and SO find old photo album? Sister Sally let's it slip at Christmas after too much wine? Unless you're COMPLETELY cut off from your old life, it will come up at some point.

_Omissions and misrepresentations are often viewed as lies. Lies break down trust. Trust is need for a long term relationship. My husband told me a GIANT lie about his past, I discovered the truth on Facebook, now I don't trust anything he says and basically don't know him anymore. We're separated.

-Casual relationships are one thing, long-term is another. How would you feel if you discovered your wife lied about something? You have 2 kids, married 10 years, then discover she only married you for a green card, or that she survived a genocide as a child in war-torn country but didn't confide in you because she thought a dumb American wouldn't understand? You'd have questions, yiu'd wonder what else she felt you wouldn't get and didn't tell you, your feelings would be hurt. Just try to imagine something that woul d make you question your faith in someone you thought you knew, how would you feel?

Marriage or long-term relationships are supposed to be a union of two souls. You don't have that with secrets and deceipt.

[Natkat]

I don't know if I consider it lying. lying for me is telling straightout "no im not transgender I always been cis"
not disclose that your trans just because it never really turns into a topic is just... well being stealth I guess..

when that said I don't think I would live in a relationship stealth,
I dont feel everyone need to know about being trans but I think it something a partner should know if you are serious about it. I never tried having a partner who didn't knew but I tried having a friend for a long period who didn't knew and it started to bug me because I felt there where things I couldn't tell her about but I somehow wanted to share. ex I couldn't tell her why I had the scars on my back from binding and it annoyed me even when I dont think she thought twice about it. I think as more I alow people into my life, as more can I get a deep connection with them, specially when I do not need to worry about them finding out out of sudden.
if people already know I also know how they would/have reacted and its a concern less.

[Devlyn]

Another far fetched (not really) hypothetical question. You don't disclose, and you're involved in a serious car crash. It happens every day. The emergency room doctors know nothing about your decision to conceal your past and merely communicate the truth as they see it to your SO. See the problem? Hugs, Devlyn

[chuck]

You say that as if being trans isn't a big deal, it is. In some perfect, openminded world where everyone's accepting and trans people can have babies and whatever else, maybe it wouldn't be, but in this world? Yes, it is. Why do you need a serious relationship where you can't be honest with your partner? If you need to have such a big secret between the two of you to keep you together, then why is it worth it?

If I have the need to seek validation about my past/share every detail of my past with my partner to keep us together then why is it worth it? 

I think this is where I disagree - I don't think its some big secret. It's my private crap - I don't want to know the sordid details of every penis that has been in my girlfriends mouth and I do not feel like it's some dramatic secret. I do not see my gender as some big deal. I am a man, my genitals were misconfigured at birth, they re fixed. Why should it be some big thing? I guess if being 'trans' is a big part of someone's life, then it feels like they are living a lie to not disclose.  For me, the shape of my genitals at birth is a small part of my past. I disclose the following: I have a medical condition that affected my genitals. and usually if its someone serious I tell them I use hormones because of an imbalance, just in case they see a bunch of needles.

I think its ridiculous to even call it lying. BRB let me frickin break out every damn detail of my past so that I am 'honest' "hey babe, just though you should know that I digitally penetrated a girl in my highschool bathroom" "just thought I should tell you since I don't want to withhold the truth"

I guess if I saw myself as something other than a man, I would feel like I was lying by not explaining the detailed of my genitals. What is wrong with "I would rather not discuss it, ever" Type in all the google search terms you want, doesn't mean you have discovered jack squat.

I just think it's a ridiculous question. I think it's fine for someone to share there medical history, and I find it sad that while I accept someone's choice to talk about it, the word liar is thrown out for those who choose not to share the exact number of pubes in their butt crack.