Thanks everyone for responding. It's nice to know that the overwhelming response is that I look female (for my long term goals), but I'm a little skittish feeling as well. Like others have said, I feel I look more like a fem boy and that's why I'm working on myself before attempting fulltime. In any case, I do feel that I will get there in time and won't have too many problems once I feel ready.
My main concern, however, is financial. At the moment, I have some temp work, but I really have no long term plan. I'm hoping to stay at my current job and they want to keep me, but the practice I'm working for is owned by a larger entity. That company is under a very strict hiring freeze and it's preventing them for filling the position they want me to take. So, I need approval and right now the chances of that are slim which sucks because I like it there and everyone is really nice. So I'm forced to continue searching for other options, but nothing is really working in my favor. My appearance factors into this equation because sometimes I feel my looks or trans status hurts me in new potential avenues as I've seen strangers treat me differently then they once did. I'm suspecting that's because people detect that I'm trans and/or the more fem I get the less seriously people take me. Sometimes I feel like a walking joke. In the past, people in professional settings treated me with respect and like an adult, regardless of my age, because of my overall character. Sure, I'd get discriminated for being viewed as "gay" at times (which presented really awful situations in my life), but it was different. Like there was a level of respect regardless of how weird or different I was. Now, I feel like people are nicer and more humane to me, but I have to really prove myself harder and even then people don't take me seriously. Like I'm treated like a little kid that everyone likes, but no less a kid; rather than the adult that everyone else dislikes. And this makes me wonder how much of it plays a role in my job search. Without employment, I have no way to finance myself and finalize my transition. To do that, I feel I need to pretend to be a guy and secure work. For one thing, all my history is as a "male" and my legal documents and everything. Very few employers want to hire a transgender worker off the bat because we are viewed as strange. So, I have to continue the charade in order to get where I want to be, financially speaking, but I don't feel I can do this anymore. I feel the jig is up. Two, I feel like women are treated with kid gloves, especially by men, and it can play a role in how potential employers may percieve us. Sadly, I'm really seeing how even small aspects of male privilege can be quite powerful. It's just frustrating. I guess it's difficult to be in middle of transition and trying to find work.
Besides the economic aspect, I'm also a little concerned people will know before I'm ready to come out. At this point, I think there is no hiding it and I'll have to deal with the fact that people will know. I just don't want others to hate me, and I can't help but feel that the world does. Perhaps that's the wrong way of looking at it, but I've seen enough commentary about us to know that the stealth life will be my choice. It's the only way I can ever feel comfortable with the fact that I'm trans. I guess for me, the awkward in-between andro stage is very difficult because there is no hiding. You have to be prepared for people to know and detect your transgender nature. For me, I wasn't prepared for it, but I'm learning to cope by understanding that one day this will pass. Seriously, the whole andro presentation is helping me develop tougher skin even though I don't want to go through it. Maybe that's a good thing. After reading all these comments, I'll have to give up my fantasy that the world won't know until I'm ready to come out. eh....
All in all, I'm happy so far with my transition. Honestly, for all the social fears I have, most people couldn't be more respectful or wonderful. Seriously, I feel I'm treated like a human and people are so nice to me than they ever were before. I guess I just don't like how kid like I feel some view me and the idea that my transgender status may hold me back in life gets to me. But things are working out better than for the worst, so maybe I should just silence my fears a bit.
Thanks everyone who commented! I appreciate it!
