Quote from: mandonlym on April 05, 2014, 08:34:41 AM
Wow, this thread breaks my heart. I'm sitting here 12 years post-op wondering... hmmm... was it a choice? Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 05, 2014, 04:44:49 AM
My life has been a series of attempted distractions and attempts to balm the mental wounds I insisted upon inflicting upon myself in an attempt to hide the truth. I threw myself into academia, hobbies, anime, reading -any form of mental distraction. Free time was an enemy - "alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade" and that blade would quickly cut the mask I was wearing, desperately trying to hide the woman within. Eventually I got used to the frenetic pace of living and more adept at hiding myself. I became a regular Moist Von Lipwig, and my great con was convincing everyone around me - even myself, of my masculinity.
If not for the soothing balm of the woman I love and feel privileged to call my wife, life would have been completely unbearable. She brought sweetness to my life that I had never seen before and had convinced myself I was unworthy of. But ultimately, even through the 10 years of joy she has given me, or rather because of it, I allowed the mask to slowly crumble. I felt comfortable enough to let just a little bit of myself out until burying two friends in one week shattered the illusion completely.
Now I'm walking towards a new possibility, one full of hope and the promise of a glorious tomorrow, but it may cost me everything I hold dear. My wife encouraged me to go to therapy in the first place and has been Virgil to my Dante in my quest for womanhood, guiding my first nervous steps into a new life. I always sincerely believed she would be with be beyond the journey but the physical manifestations of femininity may be too much for her to deal with in a spouse. It has become a serious issue of contention as of late and I am afraid I'm coming to yet another crossroad.
So as I continue to proceed forward, I am struck with a terrifying thought. My death would solve everyone's problems... My wife could bury her husband - content in the knowing she stood by him till the end. My mother could bury her son and his memory would never be tarnished with the cursed woman that insisted she was her daughter... My faith tells me I can't do it, but I keep thinking the macabre thought that my death would free them all.
Ultimately the hope that my fulfillment will make me a better spouse and and human being keeps me going. I choose to try everyday to keep the affections of my wife and strive to build a future we can both be proud of. I choose to hope. It may be myopic, but hope is my key to pushing towards tomorrow with an open heart and a serene mind.
So in all brevity, we all have a choice. Sometimes none of our options are good, and all the paths that follow them are painful, but we have to make them. We have to stand by them with fierce courage and fight on. Life or death. Hope or Despair. The choice is ultimately ours.
Oh Lord what did I dig into here for people? So we all have a heart cry conflicted with the pain of dysphoria and the joy of being open and honest and real and sensitive and all that is precious in being transgender. I know my stuff is less than so many of us here on the board since I can still present male without much pain, just discomfort, but my heart cries out for those who need to go all the way.... and I am in the mourning process for the man i buried when I transitioned, he is gone.... in self knowledge and honesty and estrogen I have become someone new, someone special, someone that has value, as did my former driven self... but that has changed from a center of constant pain to a new center of acceptance, love, understanding, new people to reach, maybe lives to be saved since you just never know what you say can help someone that reads and never posts.... you don't know the ripples of how your life touches others... they go on and on... and years later you find out someone was helped and it was because you dared open your mouth and risk being a fool by open honesty....
For the ones who suffer, doesn't it help that we are all here for you, that we absolutely get it, that we know the stakes, are in the fire together, and have a place to go where all can help, understand, support, pray, encourage.... safely, quietly, peacefully and sometimes with joy or tears.
We are special people. Choices, no choices, seems like we sure as heck have no choice whatsoever about whether or not to be dysphoric, its all about how to live with it, celebrate it, smother it, wrestle with it.
I am terrified of the future but I am so very happy to be here and to have the support of my trans brothers and sisters here on Susan's. It has made a huge difference and my unfocussed true gender has become focussed, real, and important through the many contributions, advice and encouragement I have received.
Self harm is not worth it, and we have each other if everything falls apart. Nobody can take that away from us.
Love to all here.
I lost my mind trying to fight. There wasn't much choice left. You might say transition chose me, for a higher purpose and a valiant life. I choose the way of courage and truth. I risked everything I had, because I had to, in a desperate gamble for sanity. And was blessed.
