Wow, this thread breaks my heart. I'm sitting here 12 years post-op wondering... hmmm... was it a choice? It's strange because I really didn't feel dysphoria as a boy or a young man, mainly because my body was pretty feminine and I was regularly mistaken for a woman even in that state. So I thought of myself as bi-gendered even then, but didn't feel like transition was worth the trouble. I just incorporated women's clothes in my wardrobe on a regular basis, and wore makeup when I went clubbing, etc., and was pretty much satisfied for a long time just being myself.

Then I met a friend who wore women's clothes all the time and I decided to try it. I told my boss at work on a Friday that I was going to wear women's clothes for a while to see what it was like, and then dressed as a woman starting on Monday. As people interacted with me thinking of me as a woman, I realized that I was a lot more comfortable in that role, so that's what started off my transition. I guess that was when it stopped being a choice.

There's a choice, but it isn't a great one. Live with the dysphoria, only ever being half of who you really are (if that) and living with whatever it meant for you to have dysphoria (for me, anxiety, uncomfort, despair, and a deep yearning/longing for the real woman inside) or transition, and accept all that it means to transition.

I'm battling with it myself, although the only thing I want atm is to transition, I keep looking at my friends and family and thinking about how hard it'll be for them and it just, makes me feel selfish. Like, I can live with this, I can manage (though I'll never be happy) if I really want, but this chance at happiness is fleeting and I need to do something before the dysphoria gets even worse. I can totally understand how some of you you feel like it's transition or death - I know I'm not there yet, but I can see that happening eventually and so, I have to wonder if it's worth delaying for the moment KNOWING I'll transition eventually.

you always have a choice. My choice is that I've suffered way too long and it's time to get things done the proper way.

For me personally no I didn't have a choice.

When I was about 16-17 I knew for sure that this is what I wanted. But life and those voices of doubt kept me from moving forward. I always felt it was out of reach for me at that age. I always felt like I needed someone's permission, maybe my moms, to say it's ok go be "YOU". Believe it or not it's not as easy a step to take when your young and you don't know how to pull things off. Dealing with school and all the things that come with being a teen it's hard enough. I also knew it would cost money I didn't have to be the kind of woman I wanted to be. I procrastinated all through my 20's. It took me till the age of 29 to say look you either need to crap or get off the pot. I didn't wanna wake up at 50+ and suddenly decided to "Be a woman". I got tired of seeing girls I grew up with living full time and done and here I am stuck in limbo. It's something about 30 that scares the crap out of you. I saw it coming and said no matter what you have to do you need to get started NOW!!! Living as a guy is & was no longer an option. I want to live the rest of this life authentically as myself.

I am the same. Born male and now am 36 years old
I feel huge pain and can't even look at other women
yet, my wife is against hormones
right now I feel that most important for me is to be able to pass
hope everything will be fine

Quote from: mandonlym on April 05, 2014, 08:34:41 AM
Wow, this thread breaks my heart. I'm sitting here 12 years post-op wondering... hmmm... was it a choice?

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 05, 2014, 04:44:49 AM
My life has been a series of attempted distractions and attempts to balm the mental wounds I insisted upon inflicting upon myself in an attempt to hide the truth. I threw myself into academia, hobbies, anime, reading -any form of mental distraction. Free time was an enemy - "alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade" and that blade would quickly cut the mask I was wearing, desperately trying to hide the woman within. Eventually I got used to the frenetic pace of living and more adept at hiding myself. I became a regular Moist Von Lipwig, and my great con was convincing everyone around me - even myself, of my masculinity.

If not for the soothing balm of the woman I love and feel privileged to call my wife, life would have been completely unbearable. She brought sweetness to my life that I had never seen before and had convinced myself I was unworthy of. But ultimately, even through the 10 years of joy she has given me, or rather because of it, I allowed the mask to slowly crumble. I felt comfortable enough to let just a little bit of myself out until burying two friends in one week shattered the illusion completely.

Now I'm walking towards a new possibility, one full of hope and the promise of a glorious tomorrow, but it may cost me everything I hold dear. My wife encouraged me to go to therapy in the first place and has been Virgil to my Dante in my quest for womanhood, guiding my first nervous steps into a new life. I always sincerely believed she would be with be beyond the journey but the physical manifestations of femininity may be too much for her to deal with in a spouse. It has become a serious issue of contention as of late and I am afraid I'm coming to yet another crossroad.

So as I continue to proceed forward, I am struck with a terrifying thought. My death would solve everyone's problems... My wife could bury her husband - content in the knowing she stood by him till the end. My mother could bury her son and his memory would never be tarnished with the cursed woman that insisted she was her daughter... My faith tells me I can't do it,  but I keep thinking the macabre thought that my death would free them all.

Ultimately the hope that my fulfillment will make me a better spouse and and human being keeps me going. I choose to try everyday to keep the affections of my wife and strive to build a future we can both be proud of. I choose to hope. It may be myopic, but hope is my key to pushing towards tomorrow with an open heart and a serene mind.

So in all brevity, we all have a choice. Sometimes none of our options are good, and all the paths that follow them are painful, but we have to make them. We have to stand by them with fierce courage and fight on. Life or death. Hope or Despair. The choice is ultimately ours.

Oh Lord what did I dig into here for people?  So we all have a heart cry conflicted with the pain of dysphoria and the joy of being open and honest and real and sensitive and all that is precious in being transgender.  I know my stuff is less than so many of us here on the board since I can still present male without much pain, just discomfort, but my heart cries out for those who need to go all the way.... and I am in the mourning process for the man i buried when I transitioned, he is gone.... in self knowledge and honesty and estrogen I have become someone new, someone special, someone that has value, as did my former driven self... but that has changed from a center of constant pain to a new center of acceptance, love, understanding, new people to reach, maybe lives to be saved since you just never know what you say can help someone that reads and never posts.... you don't know the ripples of how your life touches others... they go on and on... and years later you find out someone was helped and it was because you dared open your mouth and risk being a fool by open honesty....

For the ones who suffer, doesn't it help that we are all here for you, that we absolutely get it, that we know the stakes, are in the fire together, and have a place to go where all can help, understand, support, pray, encourage.... safely, quietly, peacefully and sometimes with joy or tears.

We are special people.  Choices, no choices, seems like we sure as heck have no choice whatsoever about whether or not to be dysphoric, its all about how to live with it, celebrate it, smother it, wrestle with it.

I am terrified of the future but I am so very happy to be here and to have the support of my trans brothers and sisters here on Susan's.  It has made a huge difference and my unfocussed true gender has become focussed, real, and important through the many contributions, advice and encouragement I have received.

Self harm is not worth it, and we have each other if everything falls apart.  Nobody can take that away from us.

Love to all here.

I lost my mind trying to fight.  There wasn't much choice left.  You might say transition chose me, for a higher purpose and a valiant life.  I choose the way of courage and truth.  I risked everything I had, because I had to, in a desperate gamble for sanity.  And was blessed.

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 26, 2014, 07:19:24 PM
One of the things that eats at me is whether I could have chosen not to transition and kept sane.  I don't think I could, but I dare not admit it either, since it was so painful for family.

So my question as a confirmed gender dysphoric on hormones is this:  Was there a wall or a point of no return for you with the dysphoria, or did you have a choice?  Or was the choice between great pain and conflict with testosterone and self image, and peace with your body?

I was willing to give up everything when I crashed with this.  Now I am not willing to give up my loved ones, yet cannot imagine attempting to stop hormones, nor do I have any desire to do so.  And for me its partial transition for family's sake, and based on the extent of my own dysphoria which permits me to be presentationally socially male.

Any thoughts or similar struggles?  I'll bet there are thousands.

Ok, there are 2 truths to this.

Truth #1 While yes we have a "choice" to transition, not transitioning has so many negative effects on us that, you can hardly call it a "choice." So no, we don't truly have a choice but to be ourselves and transition.

Truth #2 YOU didn't give up on your family, friends and acquaintances  (Unless you literally didn't try and make peace with them and try to show/explain to them how you being yourself is a matter of life or death etc. etc. etc.), your family, friends and acquaintances gave up on you! If someone can't accept and love you for who and what you are and still be there for you and in your life then it was they who gave up on you, not the other way around.

I have no idea if it's a choice anymore. There are a lot of days where I think of going back on everything and trying to be male. I try to be as rational about it as I possibly can, and I frequently omit any ethics from the thought process, only focusing on what would make me the happiest. I have nothing against it, I think the process just frequently feels like too much work and sadness. There are days I want to cut it loose and reclaim lost time.

Despite all of the internal conflict, I am subject to this creeping compulsion of pursuing female. It just happens. It feels like background noise at this point. I have no idea if it's a choice. All of the thinking I do makes me want to believe there is an element of choice, but my lack of fighting something so heavy in life makes me think I'm as a moth to the flame, and there is no choice.

I'm pre-everything at the moment and honestly feel like there's no decision to make; every day the desire to finally be myself becomes stronger and stronger. I've thought "could I live as a guy for the rest of my life?" for the past eight months and the answer has gone from "yes", to "maybe" to "hell no". I realised that the only reason that I didn't want to transition was because I was scared of what other people would think. After being severely depressed for the last half a year I've got to a point where I simply don't care any more: this is happening no matter what.

Quote from: CaitlinH on April 05, 2014, 06:31:49 PM
After being severely depressed for the last half a year I've got to a point where I simply don't care any more: this is happening no matter what.

Once you have this attetude the decision or, rather the need becomes clear. It surely did for me.

I tried to shun my TS thoughts until recently. Doing so only made me want to give up on life as time went on. Coming out and starting all this is a HUGE struggle but its definitely worth it as i feel like I'm becoming myself for once.

I want to say I have a choice but I think that's just because the road ahead of me is so freaking daunting.

I've had a lot of therapy. And that therapy has helped me sort out a lot of issues, but I have never been able to truly recover from my eating disorder. And death rate for eating disorders is high and I've already done life long damage to my body as a result of my behaviors. So do I have a choice? I was listening to NPR just today and they were talking to this woman who'd been recovered from an ED for 20 years. And it hit me. I could actually get there.  Since beginning transition, (early stages), I find I don't want to engage in those behaviors and the thoughts are infrequent. And I have one heck of a reason to leave it behind for once and for all, because I could finally get the body I've always wanted instead of the body I've always hated.

I'm all choked up right now. In a stupid way, I'm like "could it really be this simple?" And no, I'm not saying transitioning is simple but all the weigh ins and therapy and meal plans and nutrition appointments and now, finally, it's right here in front of me. I truly expected to be dead at this point in my life. I've been lucky. And now, I'm all excited to see my future.

Huh...funny seeing this

I just made this for my tumblr account the other day because "You had no choice" it is one of the most common things people say to me when they are attempting to be supportive, this covers my opinions on the "choice" debate




I've been making a few of these recently, thinking I might start a project to take similar sentiments/musings from others in the trans community ^^

http://delayedelaine.tumblr.com/

Quote from: Danniella on April 08, 2014, 06:12:52 AM
Huh...funny seeing this

I just made this for my tumblr account the other day because "You had no choice" it is one of the most common things people say to me when they are attempting to be supportive, this covers my opinions on the "choice" debate




I've been making a few of these recently, thinking I might start a project to take similar sentiments/musings from others in the trans community ^^

http://delayedelaine.tumblr.com/

That's awesome Danniella! ^^

All good stuff from my view in here.

I have made a choice to remain preop and stealth too.  Now we'll see what the test of time and gender dysphoria does with that.

Coming out was horrendous.  I had to do it with my insurance guy in detail yesterday and my hands started shaking uncontrolably, not too much, but it was obvioius.  He had already known, we are trying to make sure my HRT stays covered if they escalate the estrogen again.

Sitting in my study full transition right now.  My Lord it feels good.  I feel so "me".

Back to the disguise, off to work in the construction biz.  We'll see what the gay basher accross the hall does this time.  He keeps looking at me funny, very hostile.  Probably frustrated, and I probably got read somewhere along the line and he wants to confirm that.  Who knows.  Don't care anymore.  Middle fingers are longer with nails anyway....  oops that wasn't very nice.

Choosing agonizing pain and insanity vs choosing less and different pain and sanity.  Wow.

Quote from: Danniella on April 08, 2014, 06:12:52 AM
Huh...funny seeing this

I just made this for my tumblr account the other day because "You had no choice" it is one of the most common things people say to me when they are attempting to be supportive, this covers my opinions on the "choice" debate




I've been making a few of these recently, thinking I might start a project to take similar sentiments/musings from others in the trans community ^^

http://delayedelaine.tumblr.com/

I do agree there is always a choice and I do like that banner (Haven't clicked the link lol) but if I may, I think it's a good idea to point out we have a choice but, you also need to make it known how the "other choice" is like a death sentience to us, hence why even though it's a choice, it can hardly be called a choice because it's so hard on us. lol There is always a choice, just, the other choice sometimes isn't too pretty to say the least. lol

The reason I believe it's important to point out how bad the other choice is, is because often, people say "you have a choice" when "they" don't realize just how hard/bad the other choice is for us. Case in point, one of my friends and my Dad. The way people use it shows a lack of knowledge and a lack of something else and when you add religion to the people saying that, many a time even after telling them including showing proof/facts (Such as what psychs say), they simply don't listen and still think you aren't who you say you are and thus are making a "choice" that is crazy without hearing what we've been saying.

So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.

I had a choice, and I've always had a choice.  I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.

Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?

I've only recently, consciously, realized I'm a trans-woman. I've always been melancholy, knowing something was wrong. I grew up in a very working class, binary, black and white, right or wrong environment. I've had occasional flashes of knowing, of understanding, but quickly repressed them. I was genuinely surprised last December when I finally admitted to myself that at heart I'm a lesbian woman and not the man I seem to be.

So, no, no real choice except self denial, self delusion, and health destroying stress. My choices after almost 55 years of denying the truth to myself are to continue that or risk everything and be myself. I'm generally open about everything in my life with everyone, except...

I've been married to a wonderful woman who I love dearly for 34 years. I've told a few people, but not her. I DON'T KNOW HOW.

I'm so very scared!

Dee

Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:34:47 AM
So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.

I had a choice, and I've always had a choice.  I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.

Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?

I am in a similar space but low dose hrt has removed the intense dysphoria and taken me to a much better place.   Having chosen to address the dysphoria, to come out to my wife and to a few close friends I now have further choices.  I know that I will not return to being a classic male, and that I may become more feminine and less androgyne. I hope that I will be able to mindfully choose the best path for me.  Whether this means a full transition, only time will tell.  I am certainly happier than where I  was, but whether or not pursuing authentic self expression will lead me to a full transition or to a rich but non binary gender outcome is still unclear to me.  At least I am no longer obsessed with finding a binary answer.

Safe travels

Aisla

Although I feel I did have a choice, the idea of living the rest of my life as a man was horrendous to me!! I would never have committed suicide, however I know that if I had to live the rest of my life in a male body yhat I completely detest, I would have been completely miserable!!

I feel however that there really is no other option for me than to become female!! Ive tried living as a boy so many times, and every time it resulted in me being soo unhappy, and so angry and anxious! I just hate every second I have to spend as a male :/

Since coming to terms with being tranexual, I am starting to be at peace with myself!! Ive been living part time for 5 monyhs now, and I love not having to hide the true me!! I cannot wait to start on hormones, and im so happy that im becoming the woman I truely am!!

So to answer your question, yes I may havd hsd a choice. However the thought of not transitioning is so horrendous, that I feel I have to become the real me!!! I cannot fight the dysphoria any longer!! Im a woman inside, and the thought of not living as a woman is just horrible! X