Another SRS story...

[PinkCloud]

I hope you all don't mind me updating this thread? it seems to become a sort of diary. It really helps me to write down my experiences. Hopefully or maybe someone else considering SRS/GRS can read the aftermath of what could happen. The surgery is nothing, it all starts after the surgery. That's where courage and persistence comes into play.

Anyway, I am glad I was able to dilate today. My mood went up a few notches. I was afraid not being able to dilate due to the swelling. I could not see the entrance as well. So I grabbed a bright light, a mirror and went for it. I put it in under an angle of 45 degrees and slowly pushing, then I hold it even/horizontal to my body and push further. I was a bit afraid of pushing... but then I relaxed and it went in slowly and automatically. No turning, just left it there in full length for a bout 10 minutes with my legs closed. That's it. I thought it would be much more work.

After that I got a bowel movement. Sounds odd, but relieving yourself after a SRS/GRS feels great, especially  in the days after surgery when the bowels were shut down. Such simple pleasure can really lift my spirit, how weird it may sound. But at least it is working perfectly and that feels great. I also simultaneously opened the catheter valve, otherwise pressure might built up which can push against the catheter. Everything went fine! I look forward till the day without catheter. It would be bliss! This morning I forgot to close the vale of the catheter, and when lying on the couch I peed myself. I didn't even feel it until I felt a cold sensation. Closed the valve and took a shower. Now I take two showers a day, it seems to calm the area when I clean it the showerhead. I spent more towels than I own, so I already machine washed two times by now. Need more towels! Today I also took the antibiotics, they work great. The area seems to calm down...

[PinkCloud]

Similar to yesterday, I just had another bladder cramp due to the catheter. This time it was so heavy that it forced urine around the catheter down to my legs. 3 cramps before it subsided. I did some research online, and it seems that it is common with having an indwelling catheter. The bladder thinks the catheter is a foreign body and wants to push it out with cramps. It cannot do that because there is an inflatable balloon at the end preventing it from being pushed out. Still, the bladder tries once a day, in my case. Before it comes on, I start to sweat and have a slight chill. It lasts about 20-30 seconds max. It feels like you are having a huge fever for 30 seconds. After that I feel fine again.     

I do know one thing: if I didn't had these bladder/catheter issues, my SRS recovery would be far easier. I have no pain in the area whatsoever, besides a dull lingering sensation of irritation and rough/nagging sensation. Well, I even manage to do fine with these extra bladder issues. I am determined to heal, and still the joy of having had my SRS overpowers all discomfort.

[stephaniec]

I'd just like to say thanks for the info and updates. Its truly appreciated.

[Jenna Marie]

Owww, the catheter. That brings back memories - even though I only had mine in for the standard time, by the last couple days I was in agony. I was having those sorts of bladder spasms constantly, worse when I emptied it, and the pain was literally at least twice as bad as from the GRS itself. (I had to explain to get the nurses to realize it was not surgical pain, it was the bladder!) I ended up on oxycodone for those two days until they yanked the thing. So I really, really feel for you.

[PinkCloud]

10th day after surgery.

Slept okay, but the area feels somewhat tight. Like it is glued with superglue / hard rough feeling. Not sure if it is the pads or the vagina. I woke up with pain, for 10 days now. Especially when getting up. Having a shower and some paracetamol helps relieve the pain. I feel more tired than yesterday. Strangely, I seem to feel more tired as time passes... I thought it would be the reverse... I guess all my energy is being poured into healing, so it might be a good sign. I woke up at 8 o'clock, took a shower and sat on the couch before I went to bed for another few hours. Way too tired. I try to listen to my body and I do what it asks me. Right now I feel fine. Just had another bowel movement, and it went great. Luckily that functions normally, and since I cannot pee on my own yet, it feels great to have these bowel movements, because I can do them myself. It is weird how the mind works...

Took my antibiotics again, cleaned the area with betadine after the bowel movement and now I am back on my couch. I hope this day will be quite. I live in a busy city with lots of traffic and noise. And how odd? I cannot stand listening to music since I was discharged... Even watching TV seems to be too much. Not sure why.  I just want some peace of mind and solitude.

[suzifrommd]

10th day after surgery.

Slept okay, but the area feels somewhat tight. Like it is glued with superglue / hard rough feeling.

This feeling was big and stayed with me until about four months out.

[PinkCloud]

I had another look at my labia minora. I think it formed some necrosis. I read that this can happen in 12% of all cases. It is dark crusty tissues on top of that small labia. Maybe that hematoma is necrosis as well, as it has red skin under it. Bit of a bummer. I could take a pic, but it still looks pretty gross... it seems that this skin is just dying... not sure, not a surgeon. My surgeon didn't say anything, when it was already present. Maybe it is a hematoma, I don't know. But it's big and it probably needs to be drained.

Did my second douche with some betadine. Currently I am dilating. Again, the 2nd one only went it after I used the 1st one. I think I leave it in for half an hour or so. I cannot image having sex right now. Wow, will I ever be able to? Currently it feels like slow torture... 

[PinkCloud]

At these times I wish I had someone close to me. I like being alone, but this is pretty brutal to do alone. People around me could not accept my change. While they felt the right to change, and leave me. Should I accept that? probably. It is curious. I have been there for everyone in my life, been with friends and family in their darkest hours, they could always call me or discuss relationship issues and asked nothing in return. Now that I am trans, there is no-one anymore. They know I have had surgery. I did it all by myself. It is something I am proud of. I don't need them. But they make me feel alone. That sucks. But it's okay. One day they might knock on my door, needing my help again. How would I respond? should I give them the same treatment? if I do, I ain't no better than them. But I think I need to let those people go for good. I need them to become strangers, because it hurts too much being still attached.

[Samantha_Marie]

Sweetie,

I don't know where you live, but it is time to look at moving. If you little in the states, the nw or almost anywhere in cali, Boise ID, Houston, and many, MANY other places have very good lgbt communities that you can find friends and real family.

I'm not overly active on this site, and likely after I heal and get back to the states and manner my final post to my transition story post I'll disappear from here again. But you can always message me on here even if no one else will be there for you, I'm here!!

I'll gladly give you my fb info and or number as well if you need. You're never alone once you find this place!!

[PinkCloud]

Definitely want to move. I trying to save up for it, to get away.

Well, I feel a bit better. Just played my acoustic guitar for the first time in 10 days. I really missed my guitar... If you have the blues, well, then you play the blues! playing the blues makes me happy, it really does. For a short moment I completely forget all the pain when I play the blues. No other kind of music can make me feel this way.

Nothing really interesting to report. Other than I got a bit bored of my couch. I try to sit on my desk chair, it is a hard chair. I could do it but not longer than 15 minutes. So it's no use. I can sit on my couch, no problem. But I rather lie down, or recline a bit. I spent my days with this little laptop, it is the only distraction I have.

Today I made my own food again. From scratch. That also is a good distraction, because if you do not do anything, the only thing you'll noticed is massive soreness and occasional or chronic pain, depending on the situation or time of day. Sitting and doing nothing isn't good at all. I have to keep busy. I do listen to talk radio, because I can't stand listening to music right now. Too intense. Maybe a side-ffect from the anesthetic? I heard some reports from other girls about sunlight issues. I don't have that, but I am sensitive to noises.

I try to do as much as I can myself. I don't think I can clean the house yet. But that is okay. I won't die because of a bit of dust. I still can kneel, but I cannot reach the ground without pain.

More later...

[PinkCloud]

Got a new sensation just now...

I took a shower and dried the area, and when walking it felt if something was bungling? just like the former parts, it almost felt the same. Really weird feeling. It also sensate like an erection of some kind? So I had a look to see if something touches it, but nothing was touching against it. I don't even wear a pad... really strange.

Wow, it is getting weirder by the day. When I look at it, I can't see how this is ever going to look normal. It still is swollen and bruised. My surgeon said it looked good, so did the nurses. I don't understand it, they noticed the hematoma, the black bulging area beneath the labia minora. It is difficult to understand what looks normal and what does not. On monday I visit my surgeon, hopefully he can explain because I do worry quite a bit.

[PinkCloud]

8 am on day 11th, already had a shower. Showers are nice, and keeping the area clean is really important. Especially with the added catheter. I woke up in pain at 3 am, got up and filled a syringe with a betadine solution and sprayed it over the area. It helped to calm the area down, and I could resume my sleep. By waking up, the same feeling returned. The area feels tighter by the day. I notice it especially when I try to close my legs. It feels like something is blocking it tight. Again, this is all new for me. I am not sure what to expect or what to feel. But it definitely does not compare to what I had in mind before surgery. Hopefully it is just complications, swelling and not something permanent. But then again, if it is, I probably have to get used to it.

Just made my breakfast some yogurt with blueberries and oatmeal. Cup of coffee, antibiotics and two painkillers. Let's wait and see what this day brings. Nothing else to report really.

Two more nights before this catheter will be removed.

[Cindy]

BTW who did your surgery?

[Cindy]

BTW who did your surgery?

Thanks for the pm. I totally understand.

To others it is very important that PC's anonymity is preserved.

[kelly_aus]

Thanks for the pm. I totally understand.

To others it is very important that PC's anonymity is preserved.

Good point, Cindy.. And one others around here would do well to learn.

[PinkCloud]

I just had another look at the area. It seems that the darked stuff/hematoma of the labia minora  is currently bleeding very, very slowly. This is actually good news, because it means that it is not dead! apparently there is still some blood supply in it. A hematoma is usually drained by a surgeon, but if it slowly bleeds there is no problem with it. It shrinks either way. This hematoma was so large that it blocked my urethra. Last night I tried some new tips for reliving the hematoma. I used cold and hot towels, to press against the area. That promotes the blood flow in the hematoma. I guess it has worked, since it started to become redder.  I got another tip today using salt baths. I think I will try it later today. I already had two long naps. They come on unexpected, and the next thing I know I feel incredibly tired. Still my energy levels are high, and I feel optimistic.

[PinkCloud]

I just had my first salty bath, thanks Cindy!

It was the most joyous moment since I was discharged... I filled my bathtub, added a good amount of sea salt and sat in it for about 30 minutes. Wow... pure bliss, pain free, stress free and I got to get a close look at my vag. I look complete, and it feels like it always has been there! never once did I regret nor was I shocked. As if I always was like this! Which I was, in my mind and identity. Yep, confirmed! finally... I can recommend these salt baths. And I am planning to take some more.. It makes up for all the complications and issues and pain I've had so far. I feel reborn. But I do have to be careful not to sit too long in them, because the skin will become soft and this might impact healing. 15-30 min max. Other than that I wish I could sit in it all day! it's that great! it works even better than douching, in my opinion.

Truly something to look forward to!

[PinkCloud]

12th day.

I now know why the area is so firm and feels so tight. It is because of the so-called "healing ridges", or "ridge lines". These occur beneath deep stitches and are a healthy sign that your body is working hard beneath the skin. It can lasts weeks to months before this firmness dissolves. Anyway, they say: it is good to have the healing ridges, otherwise your health is bad. It seems to be an indicator of your health status. Interesting...

I resumed my estrogen patches last evening. I was off hormones for a total of 8 weeks until yesterday. 6 before surgery, and 2 after. Did not notice any difference so far. I do notice a change when I quit my anti-androgen. I am far calmer, more clear headed and less depressed.

Other than that, it has been a pretty uneventful day so far. Much the same as yesterday. Tomorrow I see my surgeon again. Can't wait.

[PinkCloud]

Guess what... 

The catheter is gone! for good. Had an appointment with my surgeon and he pulled it out. Nothing serious, but a bit of bleeding. I am glad it is gone. Bladder cramps/spasms are vicious, I rather have a catheter pulled than a bladder cramp/spasm. After an hour or so, I could pee... wow another new experience... I kinda like it, at first it made a kind of sizzling or hissing sound. hihi... then it went. Not much, but I peed on my own. That small feat made my day and it was worth the tiring 4 hour journey. The surgeon also had a look at the area, and he said: Looks great! hmmm... I guess he sees healing, I see swelling. But I guess he knows best, he did hundreds of girls. I still must carry on with the antibiotics, to prevent bladder infection because of the two week catheter use. He told me to douche the neo vag 1 time a day, not more. And I need to make sure the area isn't damp, as this will slow healing.

Wow... what a journey so far. Now that the catheter is gone, I no longer feel so tired. And I think 75% of all pain and discomfort is gone.

Food for thought:

Having SRS/GCS/GRS is a big deal. It it is a major surgery and should only be performed if there is no other alternative. That said, I think it is important to realize, and be thankful for the things you do have, instead of focusing on the things you do not have. Health is so precious, and I took a massive risk undergoing SRS with complications as a result. I heard that some people need to catheterize themselves 4-6 times a day, for months, years or the rest of their lives. I cannot even imagine the suffering they go through. I keep them in my prayers while I realize how grateful I should be to be in relative good health.

I don't take any of this for granted.

[suzifrommd]

Food for thought:

Having SRS/GCS/GRS is a big deal. It it is a major surgery and should only be performed if there is no other alternative.

My experience is different. I easily could have gone without. Still, I'm thrilled I got it. Of course I haven't had any major complications, but even if I had, I think I'd still be glad I got it. When I was making up my mind, I had to ask myself if I'd still want it even if I knew something badly would go wrong. I had to say that I did.

But I can't say, by any stretch, that there was no other alternative. I was thrilled living as a non-op woman.

I was just the wrong shape.