Anyone here shift between feeling male and female?

[Nevermore]

I have this a lot, and I'm still trying to figure out where I identify. There are days when I'm happy with my body (female) and then there are days when Im happy with the lower half of my body but I want my upper half to be male. I get moods where I want to dress up in skirts or dresses, and then moods when I want to wear my binder, t-shirts and jeans. I've considered transitioning, and other days I'm happy to stay female.
It's a very confusing state to be in at the moment

[regan]

I think I'm in a phase right now where I don't mind being male (bodied), but I hate not being female (bodied).

[ativan]

I'm a biological mass of conflicting gender and related emotions. 

[shelly]

This was the first thread and replies i read when i joined yesterday and i realised my years of trying to find a group i could relate to where over, i kept on finding myself saying this could be me. Do find myself switching between genders a lot of the time, dont always like it cos when "she" visits she takes over and the more i try to fight these feelings the harder it gets. Have spent a lot of my life wondering why the heck i just cant be a normal male, then this year after i took congiati test for the second time and realising how alike me and my wife are it dawned on me that if i wanted to beat this thing i would have to rewire my brain, so held up the white flag and nowadays just try to go with the flow. Am currently taking various herbs and using pumps to try to increase boob size, probably wasting my time, but i feel untill i do get half decent size breasts i will never truly be the person i am ment to be.

[dustbunny]

I have a male body. Several years ago I came to accept those periods when I feel female and I started thinking about presenting as female. But the desire to do that never lasted more than a few weeks or months and then I would feel more male again.

I've been through this switching between feeling male and female enough times now to know that this is just how it is for me.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you deal with presenting yourself when you are in the different phases? My main area of frustration is when I am in female mode. Then I feel like changing my body to be more feminine.

I deal with this often, though I tend to feel more male than female (I was born female). I normally present femaleish. It's hard to present like anything other than a girl with my bone structure, the sound of my voice and my learned mannerisms from living as a woman. A few people who are close to me can tell when I am feeling more guyish because some of my mannerisms will relax and be very guylike, however on most days I feel about 80% guy 20% female. I normally wear clothes a guy would wear if he had my shape such as a video game t-shirt and jeans. I have my hair cut sort of androgynous it's a style I've seen on both scene guys and girls, and most days I wear a blue golf cap (which I call my pip hat that reminds me of pip from south park). When I wear the blue cap I usually tell people I am a boy that day and they all giggle. Most people don't understand my genderqueerness. Most people either think FTM, a normal girl or "confused".

The days I feel most feminine, though seldom, I usually play with make-up more, put scented oil on, etc. I've noticed with me feeling more like a girl can either be triggered by a specific situation or my hormonal cycle. Sometimes it happens seemingly at random.

[brenn]

Balancing the two is what works best for me.

[Eva Marie]

I'm realizing as time goes by that I fit both into the androgyne definition as well as the bigender definition, depending on which mode i'm in at the moment.

I'm a bio-male, and when i'm in boy mode I still have a sense of female about me (based on my thoughts and actions), but I do not wish to dress en femme or wear makeup. In fact, i'm kind of repulsed at that idea. I see this as the genderfluid part of me.

But my gender can majorly flip flop when triggered by context, which is more of the bigender definition. And these flip flops seem to be getting worse over time.

I had a recent episode where i gender flopped into girl mode for a solid 3 days before returning to boy mode. I've never had a flip flop last so long, or be so powerful. And it was triggered by a simple thought the night before.

[KittyLondon273]

This topic interests me and I read all the comments.  Haha.  I usually identify as a transsexual and right now sort of do.  I have been full time for like two and a half years, until recently I went to a job interview and went job hunting as a boy because for over a year I looked for a job as a female and had one interview and had not been employed but when I apply two places as a boy I get one interview.  It is ridiculous how there seems to be some bias when choosing applicants for a job.  But anyway,  I sometimes now be in boy mode when at home or going to the store, well I have cut my hair so it takes more work now to pass as a female, but I think I look very good as a boy and sometimes felt like I wanted to be a boy while being full time but I don't think living as a woman has been a mistake, I still am a very feminine person and love dressing up and doing my makeup and shopping for girls clothes and wearing cute girls outfits that match and such, but I also think I look good as a boy, so I don't know, I am a bit confused and I feel like my transsexual friends which are many many of my friends would not accept me not being strict transsexual.

A good friend of mine when I was talking about this with him, asked if maybe I was androgynous and I had always thought androgynous meant someone who is in between male and female or someone who you cannot tell which gender they are, and I thought genderqueer meant someone who expresses themselves in a way that is not considered within traditional gender roles, and I thought two spirited always meant another term for genderqueer, so I had not heard of these other definitions, and I did not know what bigendered was.

I do not like to appear in between, I like to pass as a girl and do my makeup and dress myself in a manner that I feel pretty and pass, and otherwise I like to look like a guy, and even if I look like a feminine guy as in guyish makeup or something and tight clothes and styled hair because I am a feminine person, but I do not feel comfortable where I don't pass as a girl, or don't look like a regularish guy, if that makes any sense.

Well anyway I am glad I have a place to talk about these things without being judged and where people will actually listen to me!  You all seem very nice and accepting.  So y'all are fabulous as hale!  : )  <3

[Katelyn]

Wow, I've never seen so many accounts of being bi-gendered!   

I guess I could accept myself being bi-gendered, except...

It's much harder to be bi-gendered if you are a genetic male, especially if you shift more frequently (sometimes I shift within a few weeks, sometimes a few days), since it's much less acceptable for a genetic male to look and act female.

When I'm female, I naturally act girly, talk either softly or if allowed, with a female voice, I feel like a different person, and the level can be quite striking at times.  Then of course, the male side could be pretty guyish too, so the polarization is pretty big (so much that they go beyond "feminine" and "masculine", in that I have to present as one or the other in order to fully express that "self".

My preference has mostly been about being a woman, only sometimes I accept being male (but still there's that part of me feeling bad about not being female)



I didn't start uncontrollably shifting until the past 3 years, the shifts were as bad as that I'd shift as much as twice within a day, now they are more like a few days or a week in between.  My shifts BTW now are desiring to be female intensely (or being female given the chance) and just being uncontrollably guyish and accepting it within that while.

When I'm in the "guy" mode and accept it, I can be quite guyish, though it doesn't spill over into certain things like "accepting my genitalia", desiring to have sex, or changing much of my appearance since the voice does more for the "male persona" than my looks. 

Before I started shifting, I was positive in wanting to transition and be female (for about 9 years), despite how masculine I could get. 

My desire has been to fully embrace the feminine woman's world, and I feel that my "male side" is going to prevent that from happening because I won't be able to build a "female life" if I'm male part of the time.

I would much rather not be bi-gendered because of what I believe in hindering my ability to make a life for myself if I am presenting as more than one person (I already have felt frustrated in trying to make TG friends presenting as more than one person and since i believe people can't tolerate different identities since they are initially only attracted to one identity) and also that I feel like my "male side" is hindering my female self from achieving her own potential, and that shifting identities prevents me from taking full advantage of either side.   Anyway, my preference 80-90% of the time is in being a woman, and my desire has also included seeing myself as "one of the girls" and in that I can interact with others the way I have always wanted to as a woman.

[Virginia]

We have a lot of similarities and some important differences, Katelyn. For me, I don't see it being particularly harder as a bigender bioM but I am a pretty andro 5' 10" 146 pound beanpole. I passed fine as girl before HRT and fine as a guy after a year on a full transition level regimen. My gender switches constantly, my brain picking and choosing the blue or pink glasses, whichever is most appropriate to help me cope with the situation at hand during the course of my day. Often flip-flopping back and forth in mid sentence, for the most part this is transparent to me but it drives my wife crazy! Looking back on my 50 years over a year and a half of therapy, it seems this was the only form of expression I allowed my female self when I locked her away as a teenager. It is such a well-practiced behavior, so integral to who I am, I switch gender regardless of how I am presenting.

But the important thing I discovered, the missing piece that nearly drove me insane or to suicide, is that psychological expression alone is not sufficient for me. I need to physically express who I am as both male and female. I was clinically diagnosed to be dysphoric about my maleness to a level indicating SRS AND dysphoric about my femaleness to a level indicating SRS. Like you, it is vital for me to present solidly as a guy and a girl to "express self" and the "polarization is pretty big" - think Clint Eastwood and Alyssa Milano. HRT brought my GD under control but presenting in public as female a day a week is a balance that has been working for over a year.  I pretty much go anywhere, do anything a cisgender female does. More than once a week and my guy self starts to grumble; less than once a week and my girl starts to whine.

I also spent a period of time wondering if I was transsexual. An honest soul-searching conversation between my male and female selfs made it clear that had been a case of the pendulum swinging too far in the other direction. My guy self would no more prevent me from fully embracing the 'feminine woman's world" than my girl self prevents me from fully embracing the masculine man's world.

If it's any reassurance, I have friends at bigender.net, bioF's and bioM's, who quite successfully present as both male and female to the people in their lives. Personally, I am only out to my wife, son and the medical professionals who treat me- I do not present as both genders to anyone. I see my girl self as another hat I wear much the same as I am husband, son, father and friend but not more than one to many of the people in my life.

But I am bigender, not multiple or transsexual; my girl self is a persona, not a separate personality or any more who I am than my guy self. I don't see myself as a part time girl or a part time guy.  It's not important to me to build a new "female life." I am comfortable as a guy or a girl and don't prefer one over the other. I need to express my female self in the life I already have so I am able to explore the advantages and disadvantages of each of my genders. It's not quite as bad as Dustin Hoffman made it seem in Toostie, but I will admit it does take some gymnastics.

[Shana A]

I don't shift, I feel like Zythyra (whatever that might be) all of the time!

Z

[ZaidaZadkiel]

I don't shift, I feel like Zythyra (whatever that might be) all of the time!

Z

It's the same for me, except instead of Zythyra I feel just Zaddy.

[japple]

These are all interesting.

I am biologically male but have always wanted to be female since I was a child.  I've sort of ignored my body since about 8th grade, wearing jeans and a t-shirt every day...and forgetting to shave or take care of myself until it gets unwieldy.  I don't exercise because I gain muscle easily and try not to get too skinny as I like some fat on my breasts.  I seriously just ignore it...go without looking in the mirror for days.  I don't spend money on clothes, guy or girls...although I like fashion and wish the best to people who wear it.  Is anyone else sort of body ignorant at this point?

My therapist says I can transition and I plan on starting HRT but transitioning seems like a huge pain.  I've ignored my body for so long that to pay attention to it enough to try to resemble a women seems crazy at this point. (I'm 36 and fairly attractive)  I plan on staying me. Keeping my name, doing what I do. I like me..just not my gender.  I am excited about being on HRT and exercising with male muscle growth.  I am excited about breast growth.  I don't care about my gentiles, I get erections but have never been able to orgasm from intercourse or "get hard" from typical male stuff. (I've had lap dances and stuff)   I'd feel "right" with a vagina but am surgery adverse, cheap, and don't think I'd do a good job with maintenance.

I realize this all sounds lazy but I am actually pretty successful and active. I've just become somewhat body ignorant.

Is this Androgyne?  I don't feel kindship to transwomen who change their whole personalities and voices and walk and history to start fresh.  I guess I want to be a woman who was raised as a man. I'm really comfortable with my presentation and personality, just get very depressed about my self-identity.  My therapist is awesome and has helped me with various issues but my life is great with the exception of this ever presence GID so I kind of want to find people who feel the same and possibly made some good strides to removing this constant feeling.  I guess this is what OCD people feel like?

[Lexine]

I do this all the time. I'm trying to get both sides to a point where they can both be strong in ways that are unique for each without coming off as arrogant or bitchy. One of the many things I need to work on in 2011.

[regan]

My therapist says I can transition and I plan on starting HRT but transitioning seems like a huge pain.  I've ignored my body for so long that to pay attention to it enough to try to resemble a women seems crazy at this point. (I'm 36 and fairly attractive)  I plan on staying me. Keeping my name, doing what I do. I like me..just not my gender.  I am excited about being on HRT and exercising with male muscle growth.  I am excited about breast growth.  I don't care about my gentiles, I get erections but have never been able to orgasm from intercourse or "get hard" from typical male stuff. (I've had lap dances and stuff)   I'd feel "right" with a vagina but am surgery adverse, cheap, and don't think I'd do a good job with maintenance.

The best way I know to explain it is like the difference between a buffet and a multi-course meal.  You can approach transition either way.  You can resolve your dysphoria with therapy alone, or with therapy and hormones, or with therapy hormones and "full time", or with any or all of those plus surgery (FFS, GRS, either, neither, or both).

Pick and choose from the buffett or eat one course at a time, its up to you.

[japple]

.  You can resolve your dysphoria with therapy alone

Really?  Seems impossible from my vantage point but I'd love to read about people who've done it or what's out there.

[ativan]

Completely resolving your GID issues with therapy is possible, with a good therapist who works with people with GID issues. But, maybe not.
You are going to need a good therapist to help you on 'your journey' to who you are.
When you get farther along, you'll have a much better understanding of what directions you may want to take.

You need to actively start from the beginning and most people who have a good outcome seem to rely on their therapist's to help with the decisions your going to have to make.

The start of resolving your issues is going to be a therapist. It's hard to start, but it's a hell of a lot easier than doing nothing about your GID.

Stay tuned to this section of Susan's and also explore around the other area's. There is a wealth of knowledge and peoples stories that you will find helpful. I can't stress any more about finding information for yourself.

It's your life, and everyones stories are different, and so will yours be.

Good luck, I hope you find the right therapist and find the answers to your questions here as you spend some time just looking through all the information that's available.

[japple]

Completely resolving your GID issues with therapy is possible, with a good therapist who works with people with GID issues. But, maybe not.

My therapist is amazing. I've actually been seeing gender therapists off and on my whole life but this one has helped me stay healthy and everything she says really sticks.

[rabbitheart]

yeah, i switch a lot but im never more female than male-some days i feel androgynous other days i feel like a guy. There isn't much i can do about it since my hair is long(because im vain) and my voice is definitely a girl's...but i just throw on my combat boots and i feel better about it.

I'm so relieved i found this forum-i think i would have gone crazy or something since there's no one i can talk to about this:)

anyway i didn't start shifting into being more masculine until a year ago...i used to be really girly and hello kitty loving and i guess i just became more myself?

[ativan]

I'm so relieved i found this forum-i think i would have gone crazy or something since there's no one i can talk to about this:)

Many of us feel this way or have in the past. Welcome to the Androgyne Talk section.