We have a lot of similarities and some important differences, Katelyn. For me, I don't see it being particularly harder as a bigender bioM but I am a pretty andro 5' 10" 146 pound beanpole. I passed fine as girl before HRT and fine as a guy after a year on a full transition level regimen. My gender switches constantly, my brain picking and choosing the blue or pink glasses, whichever is most appropriate to help me cope with the situation at hand during the course of my day. Often flip-flopping back and forth in mid sentence, for the most part this is transparent to me but it drives my wife crazy! Looking back on my 50 years over a year and a half of therapy, it seems this was the only form of expression I allowed my female self when I locked her away as a teenager. It is such a well-practiced behavior, so integral to who I am, I switch gender regardless of how I am presenting.
But the important thing I discovered, the missing piece that nearly drove me insane or to suicide, is that psychological expression alone is not sufficient for me. I need to physically express who I am as both male and female. I was clinically diagnosed to be dysphoric about my maleness to a level indicating SRS
AND dysphoric about my femaleness to a level indicating SRS. Like you, it is vital for me to present solidly as a guy and a girl to "express self" and the "polarization is pretty big" - think Clint Eastwood and Alyssa Milano. HRT brought my GD under control but presenting in public as female a day a week is a balance that has been working for over a year. I pretty much go anywhere, do anything a cisgender female does. More than once a week and my guy self starts to grumble; less than once a week and my girl starts to whine.
I also spent a period of time wondering if I was transsexual. An honest soul-searching conversation between my male and female selfs made it clear that had been a case of the pendulum swinging too far in the other direction. My guy self would no more prevent me from fully embracing the 'feminine woman's world" than my girl self prevents me from fully embracing the masculine man's world.
If it's any reassurance, I have friends at
bigender.net, bioF's and bioM's, who quite successfully present as both male and female to the people in their lives. Personally, I am only out to my wife, son and the medical professionals who treat me- I do not present as both genders to anyone. I see my girl self as another hat I wear much the same as I am husband, son, father and friend but not more than one to many of the people in my life.
But I am
bigender, not multiple or transsexual; my girl self is a persona, not a separate personality or any more who I am than my guy self. I don't see myself as a part time girl or a part time guy. It's not important to me to build a new "female life." I am comfortable as a guy or a girl and don't prefer one over the other. I need to express my female self in the life I already have so I am able to explore the advantages and disadvantages of
each of my genders. It's not quite as bad as Dustin Hoffman made it seem in Toostie, but I will admit it does take some gymnastics.