Dealing with a suppressed life, becoming you

[JoanneB]

I guess I am still fighting this. I have major road blocks up everywhere. While intellectually I want to become more fem and find peace, my manly facade does not want to die.

I thought the war in my mind would get harder when I started dealing with this.

The Rage Against the Machine

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Dylan Thomas

"The proper function of man is to live, not to exist."
― Jack London, To Build A Fire

"Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes playing a poor hand well."
― Jack London, To Build A Fire

and  a ton more from Jack London & Robert Service. Life in a world at 69 below changes your perspective on things



And from the greatest TG (aka alternate reality compared to the rest of the mooks) movie of all time

Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for thirty- five years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.

Of course there is the classic "Better the Devil you know...."

I spent way too long, even to this day    listening to that shouting into one ear. "Don't Rock the Boat" "Don't this"  "Don't that"  Just fake it the best you can. YOU CAN do it... you did it before right?

Yet, that calm, low voice in the other ear keeps telling me otherwise and when I listen..... I really really really really hate hearing it.   Did I say I hate hearing it?  I really really really hate my well planed out life turned upside down. 

[DawnOday]

Yep that is the worst part about the manly facade, it becomes self sustaining, automatic.
It takes huge efforts to get passed it.
For me one of my worst and still the hardest feature to get passed, is my way of talking.
Having a rough masculine way of talking was always the first wall of defence when meeting new people. My voice and manner of talking was always my first defence, often put up way before I even need to.
Also ariving in new area with new people in Japanese car from the 90s with a twin turbo always turned me instantly into a "cool guy"
You have built a tough shell, and your feminine soul struggles to catch a breath deep beneath it's walls.
You can silence this voice, I got very close. The voice would be silenced and live would role by until one day it will spark again.
The silencing of our true spirit is what kills us, walking around dead until she takes a breath again. And then all the memories come back, and you realise the time wasted.
I could see myself going down this path.
I had done it for a while. I am lucky it did not go on for too long.

Please help yourself, avoid walking around dead! Be you girl
Love Rachel

Rachel  There were times when I could make Scarface seem like a G rated movie.

[Dani2118]

Amanda, I'll say this. You might want to tell your wife what your feeling. She may not realize what is wrong, but I'm sure she realizes "something" is wrong. If she's Transphobic it will be harder. You can tell by her reaction to Caitlan Jenner. And there's one other thing and I think many others will agree, when you do something for 'Amanda' it can open Pandora's Box! I repressed Dani Girl for 43yrs., had quite the male life. Worked construction, hiking, shooting, etc., but she kept leaking out. The older I've gotten the less I tried to plug the leaks. I also build models as a hobby and use nail files to sand with, and it started itching to do nails...   Male me said no, NO, but Dani Girl whispered 'Do It', one day I did, and now 2 months later I'm in full transition! So beware, Amanda might want out FAR more than you think or can control. I can never go back to male me ever again! Good Luck on your journey whichever way you go, for it's different for all of us! And keep us informed, we do care!!!

[amandam]

I don't know what to tell my wife at this point. She knows I'm dealing with "gender issues", but I haven't discussed anuy of my six therapy appointments with her. Maybe I should tell her that I'm transgender, and that at this point the goal is to manage symptoms?

[JoanneB]

... Maybe I should tell her that I'm transgender, and that at this point the goal is to manage symptoms?

Correction  You tried for the better part of your life to "Manage the Symptoms" through all the now futile diversions and denial tactics, rather then learning how to manage the GD itself.

That is why I always say I started "Healing myself from the inside". I always was and still am TG. I did the best I knew how to to "manage", otherwise known as bury, my symptoms. For the past 8 years I've been learning and trying various ways to mange my GD and to hopefully keep the 80% or so of the other important aspects of me and my life intact.

[amandam]

I want to be able to convey to her that this is a medical thing and it's all about doing enough to find inner peace to reduce stress. Kinda like a crossdresser who comes out, you don't dress up and walk in on your wife and say "Guess what". I want to term this in the seemingly most intellectual way possible.

[HappyMoni]

Preface this with I don't know your wife or your relationship. Could you approach her as wanting her help dealing with an issue that maybe you could work on together?  People many times want there opinion included, want to help with the decision making part of things. Could you make her a part of searching for what will be good for both of you. Tell her this is your reality, facing this thing. It will be better than,   "I'm trans, deal with it."
Moni

[Dani2118]

What might help you most is to step back and take a close, deep look at your own self. How much of you is woman, female. Your therapist has helped, but now only you can know. Look deep and honest and don't worry about managing symptoms. You have to know how close to a full woman you need to live to ever find peace. For some it's nice nails, or dressing at home and it's enough. For others they have to go all the way. You need to know as well as you can how far you need to go to find peace within yourself for you and her. When your ready your self, then show her some of our stories from here, and look on pinterest because there are some very useful things on there to. CIS people do not understand us. When you tell her do it small segments, it's easier to understand that way. Remember their not split like we are, so it is hard for them to understand, and she may not even want to. Unfortunately you'll also have to prepare for if things don't go well with her, and they may not. Plan ahead for both and hope for the best. She may believe she's at fault, or a failure some how. Let her know that she's not! That you really need her help! Hopefully she loves you enough to care enough to weather the storm, because it sounds like the storm is here. Don't rush, take your time and may things workout well for you both!   

[amandam]

Wow, this can be tough. Today, "that man" wanted me to trim my nails. He kept telling me stuff like, "It's kinda weird", or, "You look like a guy with girl fingers". Then I look at them, and I just can't, I just can't cut them. They don't even look like girl nails, just slightly long for a guy.

It seems inconceivable at times that anyone would have this sort of debate in their head. I mean, c'mon, who does this? It's almost like a neurosis or something. I wish I could just not care.

[Megan.]

I certainly had those thoughts,  and I think most do. It's normal,  it's a conflict between what your subconscious wants and what your socially aware consciousness thinks it needs to do.
I feel that resolving this conflict and finding acceptance,  and even comfort with it is the biggest part of a good transition,  and it takes time.

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[JoanneB]

Wow, this can be tough. Today, "that man" wanted me to trim my nails. He kept telling me stuff like, "It's kinda weird", or, "You look like a guy with girl fingers". Then I look at them, and I just can't, I just can't cut them. They don't even look like girl nails, just slightly long for a guy.

It seems inconceivable at times that anyone would have this sort of debate in their head. I mean, c'mon, who does this? It's almost like a neurosis or something. I wish I could just not care.

The rumblings of a WTF Am I Doing meltdown

Or, as my wife "used" to say... No sane person WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman. I haven't heard that one in a while

Shame & Guilt both sitting on one shoulder screaming into one ear. You true joy whispering into your shell-like other. Which of the two demands the attention? Which of the two gets it?

[MirandaLove]

You don't even have to be hyper masculine to feel frozen, stuck, suppressed, afraid.  I think this has been the hardest part of coming out for me-- realizing that I CAN do all of those things that I had wanted to do for so long (i.e. moving closer to Bowie).  Certainly there is peer pressure  and social pressure, but you get to decide right now what is important to you.  Shaking off your past image of yourself means you will be vulnerable, your true likes and dislikes.  You don't have to maintain an identity that looks a certain way to outsiders.  You don't have to be consistent either.  If you wear nail polish one day and work boots the next, you don't have to explain yourself.

But go easy on yourself too.  Baby steps.  Start small, with things that are comfortable.  Try to connect with people you can be yourself with. In the beginning, I found that going to a different city dressed up and meeting people as a transgender woman was far easier than trying to reach out to old friends.  This helped me discover myself without the old self-image constantly coming to the forefront.


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[Tommie_9]

I haven't read every response, so I might have missed it if someone already suggested finding a good gender therapist. I love mine, and it helps tremendously.  I can't add anything from personal experience, because I've always been a 'girl'. Growing up people just assumed I was a gay guy because of the way I looked, even though I dated girls, played football, baseball and fixed up a 1953 Chevy pickup. What else could a 'girl' do? I've never surpressed my sensitive, creative side, or been able to hide it well. Don't pressure yourself too much and go with whatever you're feeling on a particular day. You don't have to be one way all the time if you don't feel that way. I hope that wasn't preachy sounding.

[Dani2118]

Miranda is right, baby steps. Listen to her! For me those nails were the latch on Pandora's Box. You'll do them, sooner rather than later. Use clear polish and nobody will notice. But when you do you'll be more afraid of yourself than you've ever been because of what you'll feel. Amanda will feel the happiness of something done just for her, and Amanda is YOU! It's been easier for me than for most of us because I'm like Tommie-9, I've hidden her but I've always been proud to be a girl! There's happiness in Pandora Box, but also a lot of change, fear, and uncertainty. I hate to say, but you are going to have to tell your wife soon. There is going to be pain, and tears, both hers and yours. It's like ripping off a Bandaid, you know it's going to hurt but you have to tear it off.

[amandam]

Well, my nails were getting past my fingertips, so I trimmed them. But, they are stll on the longer side. They can pass for girls or guys nails. I just made sure I shaped them nice. Baby steps.

[JoanneB]

Baby Steps +1

[MirandaLove]

For me those nails were the latch on Pandora's Box.

Yes.  It took me thirty or more years to do my fingers.  And it meant the world to me.  For some of us, these little moments are huge as we head into them.  First pedicure. First shoes. First perfume.  But it keeps happening even later down the road of transition.  First time wearing a bathing suit.  First time on a date.  "First" kiss.  First time in the dressing room.  Etc.

Baby steps.  As small as you need them to be.


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[Dani2118]

YEH!!!!  Your journey has begun! Welcome to the sisterhood. You wont believe some of the things you'll do now. Things you've been too afraid to do. Wait until Amanda gets to dress as a woman the first time and go out into a crowd, and you don't die...   You'll get a few stares and some funny looks but you'll survive! And then it gets easier and easier until you start to forget your fake manliness. I sure don't miss mine, and I don't have to watch every movement I make lest I appear feminine. I LOVE being feminine, it's ME! And if other people don't like it, tough s@$t! And those nails, they might pass for girls or guys, but you know girl you know!!! Now hit'em with some clear polish! You'll be amazed at how FEW others will notice.      MirandaLove I'm so looking forward to those things! Already done some of them! It's truly amazed me how many people have been OK with me.

[amandam]

Hi Dani,

Yup, I've been out in public dressed, but in my 20's. Went out 3 times, walked drove. Yeah, some snickers, but most people were oblivious to me since I passed at a distance.

[Dani2118]

I'm new to the dressing part. I hid in my man shell for 50yrs., and wish that I hadn't. For the first time I feel free and happy! I used to wish every day was the last but not now! Wish I had transitioned while I still had hair on top. That hair falling out nearly killed me. All I can say is, don't wait to long. You'll be like me and look at 'what could have been' and see that it would have been nice. I care because you sound like me, your girl is always there tapping you on the shoulder saying 'please let me out'. Don't make my mistake of letting fear of the unknown keep her locked up. When the time comes and you tell your wife, tell her about going out dressed and how it felt right. Good luck with her, mine's been OK with me but she doesn't want to give up her 'husband'. But 'he's' gone already!