Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been thinking a lot over the past week or two.  My gender issues seem to fluctuate up and down, from barely noticeable to so stressful and uncomfortable that I physically ache in my chest from the discomfort and anxiety and desire to change gender because everything about me feels just wrong.  I guess I'm in one of those low-TG phases right now where I still feel it, but it's not interfering too much with my daily life (although it still occupies my thoughts about 50% of the time), so I've had some time to think.

Here's my question: could I be making myself TG?  Much in the same way that one goes online and reads about a particular illness or disorder and suddenly all the symptoms seem to appear, could my research into TG issues be causing me to self-diagnose when there's really no disorder at all?

From a historical perspective, I've gone through phases for as long as I can remember, but it's only recently (past year?) been getting to the point where it's becoming increasingly difficult to function mentally as male, and where it's become an almost-daily problem that truly gets in the way of functioning normally. I mean, how normal is it to go for weeks on end and think about nothing – literally nothing - but becoming female and how wrong and unfair and uncomfortable life is for me in my male body? But that has also coincided with me looking into this more seriously, and me making a conscious choice to deal with it and figure out what's going on.  The more I read, the more I get involved, the more TG I seem to become.  And perhaps the answer is to stop reading and talking and figuring things out, to stop feeding myself with ideas and information, and to try and just put this out of my mind and move on?

I just worry that I'm missing something here, and perhaps going down a road that I shouldn't be going down, only because I've been reading TG materials fairly heavily and it all seems to fit – but does it? Perhaps I just have depression, or just a slightly more feminine persona, or schizophrenia, or manic phases, and perhaps turning up the volume to 11 and diving headfirst into TG or some other gender disorder is going too far and too fast down the wrong road where maybe a little therapy and some good drugs would set me straight.

I just worry that it's almost like reading an article on, say, arthritis and suddenly every ache and pain is arthritis, or reading an article on stomach cancer and suddenly it's no longer indigestion that I'm feeling after I eat or drink too much. Perhaps I'm only feeling TG because I'm reading about it?

But then again, why on earth am I reading about them unless I'm concerned?

Confused. Very confused right now. Not necessarily looking for answers, but perhaps some guidance from those who second (and third and fourth and fifth) guessed themselves.  And especially from those who realized that they weren't TG after all and who cope with these ups and downs without transitioning.

I have thought about this as well. I have times where I go with being fine with being male to times where I cant stand it. I dont know sometimes. I have times where the idea of being a girl is disturbing, but others where it just seems right. I am lost and confused as well. I understand that feeling.

Quote from: Bookworm on July 07, 2013, 03:35:40 PM
I have thought about this as well. I have times where I go with being fine with being male to times where I cant stand it. I dont know sometimes. I have times where the idea of being a girl is disturbing, but others where it just seems right. I am lost and confused as well. I understand that feeling.

me too. Are you my clone? My feelings have been in the background for a long time though, so something is real about that.

not a clone no, but I often wish the feelings would go away. If I had all the feelings one way or the other then I might not worry about it so much, but the flip floping is driving me nuts. It does not help that I came out to my mom and so I am slowly having that convo with her.

I second guess myself constantly! However, it's just that every time I do, I become more convinced I'm a trans woman. In my experience, second (and third, fourth, and fifth) guessing is the thing that makes me more comfortable with my gender identity.

I struggle with this as well.  My TG thoughts were pretty well in remission so to speak for quite a while, but they were brought back with a vengeance a couple weeks ago, and now its really all I can think and focus on now.  I'm still not sure if I am going to transition at some point, but over the last few days, I've become much more receptive to the idea.  Watching videos on YouTube has had the biggest effect on me.  Watching others talk about their transitions and seeing how well they're doing, and having this feeling of being able to relate to them makes me really want to transition.  I'm meeting with a therapist tomorrow for the first time, so I'm hoping that will help me come to terms with what I'm feeling.   

I dont think you can be 100% sure but you can be close. I guess the biggest pointer for me personally that this was something I hadn't just obsessed about and got to the point of believing, was that it was there long before I even knew transgender people existed or that it made me different. It has always been there, the information online gave me hope, it gave me an option to live the way I felt I should but the actual want and feeling that I should be the opposite sex was there long before I even knew how to type.

We can identify with the heroine in a book and want to be like that or read about an illness and wonder about our symptoms but being transgender for most of us is deeper and more pervasive.  So far I have heard of no sure fire tests but if experience counts, what makes you feel better?  What gives you hope and how do you imagine yourself in the best light?  As you have previously heard, a counselor, therapist , support group or caring friends are essential parts of the journey for successful transition.  Yes, this is a very subjective experience and if we assume you are not into martyrdom why would anyone make themselves TG?  I just love becoming more feminine but all of the TG people, that I am aware of, deal with significantly painful experiences too.  It's no picnic to take this walk in the park to our honest true self.

Hang in there,
Tessa

Perhaps it's a planetary (miss)alignment but I am currently going through a major "WTF was I thinking?" phase. A good part of which boiled down to me relying too much on using my gender issues as a crutch. Something to cling to to help anchor me in a world gone awry. After all, if most times I not totally unhappy about be a guy, can even find plenty of good reasons to continue living as one, then why am I even thinking I am a TS? (Conveniently ignore all the hopes, wishes and dreams you had sine the age of 4) What ultimately benefits can I possibly gain at such tremendous costs?

So know I am slipping back into a "Life sucks and then you die" modality.

I feel that the fact that we even begin to contemplate this means that we are open to the possibility of transitioning, as has been said by Tessa James "being transgender for most of us is deeper and more pervasive" hypochondria is a symptom of harboring a fear at having a certain condition, while feelings of transitioning are I think more of an openness to embracing a life path that can often be painful, not because of our own comfort and happiness, but because of societal and peer pressures and because of the ignorance and insensitivity of those we come in contact with.

Most people do not even consider their own gender identity and merely continue on with the one they were born into and to which the society dictates the proper expressions of. Many are so resistant to questioning themselves that when faced with gay or trans people and concepts vehemently oppose them as deviant and abhorrent and therefore become those who are gay/trans-phobic in order to deny that any force can sway them from their comfort and most likely do so because they are themselves, most likely subconsciously, do not feel really secure of their gender/sexuality.

Only you can know for yourself when and if you feel completely comfortable with your path. I myself am all-in with my current steps of transitioning, and looking back on beliefs/fantasies I had long before I had even known transitioning was possible (and way before the Internet was even developed by Arpanet) I can say for certainly that it was not simply because I was exposed to the situation through research but is deep in my personality.

I wish all of you posting here well with your process and will just say that this is an issue where there are no empirical right or wrong answers, only your answers for you and my answers for me though we are all dealing with the same questions.

I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender. BUT that doesn't mean that you will transition, take HRT or do anything like that. It means that your gender is not conventional perhaps. I don't think people who are depressed or are schizophrenic think about gender either. And I don't necessarily think the whole idea of having a girl personna is necessarily plausible.  Are you in therapy wiht a gender therapist? I should warn you though, I don't think that anyone has become LESS trans via therapy.

--Jay

Quote from: aleon515 on July 07, 2013, 05:49:28 PM
I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans.

I would agree.  I believe 100% that I am transgender.  What I am unsure about is the should I transition part, which I'm hoping therapy can help me answer.  After spending pretty much all of the last 4 days trying to work through these issues, I feel like I'm to the point where if these feelings are going to continue to get worse as I get older, I should just transition now.  I'd much rather go through a couple hard years now while I'm still young, than drag this out till I'm older. 

You need to speak to a therapist... these kind of questions are best met with professionalism. 

Im not doubting anyones ability to assist in this matter but if you haven't talked to a therapist yet...

Its about time.

Quote from: aleon515 on July 07, 2013, 05:49:28 PM
I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender.

Yeah, I kind of realized this myself at some point. It's kind of crazy because I spend a lot of time thinking about my gender identity and trying to understand it while it seems most people seem to just accept the one they're given without a second thought.

Quote from: Erin S on July 07, 2013, 06:42:52 PM
...if you haven't talked to a therapist yet...

Its about time.

I have an appointment for tomorrow at 14:30.

QuoteI tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender. BUT that doesn't mean that you will transition, take HRT or do anything like that. It means that your gender is not conventional perhaps. I don't think people who are depressed or are schizophrenic think about gender either. And I don't necessarily think the whole idea of having a girl personna is necessarily plausible.  Are you in therapy wiht a gender therapist? I should warn you though, I don't think that anyone has become LESS trans via therapy.

I agree with the part I put in bold. Binary folks don't ask questions about gender. Gender is just is what it is for them, like how the sky is always blue, water is always wet, nothing ever falls up, etc. It's like a constant in an equation, or something. You don't have to think about how many days there are in a week or how many fingers you have....you just somehow know those things and after awhile, barring strange circumstances, they just are. That's how gender is for most people. I've never encountered anyone else in RL that is trans or questioning. I did know gq persons in high school and a few in college...but they were not trans.

As an adult, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what it will take for me to be happy, successful, ok with myself, etc. I've also spent some time in therapy (for depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional disturbances, GID and a myriad of other issues I've had over the years). The ultimate core of all of my issues, though, is my discomfort and dysphoria as it relates to my GID and to my intersex condition (2 separate issues).

I would say that if you are thinking about gender and these thoughts are consuming you, then seeing a therapist is a good first step. You may also want to find an outlet, such as art, music, journaling, working out, whatever so that when these feelings or thoughts come up, you can deal with them in a positive way and be able to live your life.

Just don't deny yourself the chance to figure it out. Maybe your path won't be a full blown transition. Then again, maybe it will....you will figure that out in time.

Quote from: aleon515 on July 07, 2013, 05:49:28 PM
I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender. BUT that doesn't mean that you will transition, take HRT or do anything like that. It means that your gender is not conventional perhaps. I don't think people who are depressed or are schizophrenic think about gender either. And I don't necessarily think the whole idea of having a girl personna is necessarily plausible.  Are you in therapy wiht a gender therapist? I should warn you though, I don't think that anyone has become LESS trans via therapy.

--Jay

This is pretty much it, imo.

So much great advice and support in such a short time - I don't know what to say, other than thank you to everyone! Sometimes, just talking about this stuff really helps. At the very least, I think that withdrawing back inside my gender shell and trying to ignore it would be a recipe for short term success but long term disaster.  It'll just reappear in the future twice as big as before.

Quote from: aleon515 on July 07, 2013, 05:49:28 PM
I tend to think that by definition if you think about your gender identity, you are trans. Because non-TG people just don't think about gender.

This seemed to sum things up pretty well for me.  I do think about gender - a lot.  I really need to push ahead with therapy, although like you said Jay, I'm not sure that will make me any less trans either.  And I don't really want to become more trans...it's hard enough already!

I've got it easy compared with most of you all too - and while there's so many beautiful success stories and happiness here, there's also a mountain of broken relationships, sadness, and hardship that many of you are struggling with and which make my issues seem trivial.  I wish there was something I could give back, as so far my contributions here have been rather selfish!

As ever, you people are great!  Thanks for helping out yet again.   :)

I don't think it's possible to make yourself trans. I think it's one of those things that you either are, or you aren't. No person who enjoys being their biological gender would even think twice about the concept, outside of trying to understand one of us.

What I do see when I go on line and read up on it and watch youtube videos and everything isn't an obsession so much as it is a realization and joy in the thought that I am not alone, and that there are other people out there like me who have gone through or are going through the same thing as me.

Living way out in the country in a small close minded town in Kansas makes me feel very isolated and lonely even with my wife (who doesn't yet know I'm trans, but I'm working with a therapist to tell her). It's hard for me to think of myself even as sane due to the people Im surrounded by and knowing what they would think and say if they found out.

Reading about others like me, talking to others like me, watching videos about others like me and so on is helping me to become more comfortable with myself one day at a time. It also makes me think more about it as I accept myself as a normal human being with my own unique thoughts, needs, and wants, who also happens to be transgender, artistic, a parent, and a fan of Star Wars :D

I think about it a lot, especially over the last three years, which is why I've started seeing a therapist. But I feel it's not only something I think about more and more . . . but it's something I need to think about more and more as time goes on. There's a lot to think about. Everything from doubts that last for 5 or 10 minutes for me where I ask myself if I'm sure I'm right about this, to worrying about how my family will react, to worrying about future employment, to what color nail polish I want, to losing weight, to what procedures I may or may not want for a number of reasons for and against, and more. I think, especially while transitioning, you need to think about the full ramifications. And because there's a lot to think about, it really shouldn't be a surprise to any of us who are trans that we almost feel compelled to do so during an age of information.

So . . . I'm ok with thinking about it 90% of the time. I think about it while I'm playing video games, watching TV, making love, shopping, driving in the car, in therapy . . . all the time. And I think I'd be stupid not to do so, as I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider.

Now I have to work up the nerve to do something about it. Tell my wife. start experimenting with make up again. Shave my legs. lose weight (making progress... But some days I want to scream when I see ice cream or cookies or . . . and now I'm hungry!) work on my voice. Walk into the LGBT center at the college and start trying to meet people like me. Being patient (... Even if my wife accepts me, there's no way we can afford me to start even HRT until I'm out of college and have a job...). I need to start taking steps even if they're baby steps.

But back to the topic!

...I don't think it's unusual for those of us transitioning to think about it often at all. Not to sound too harsh, but I think we'd be being incredibly stupid and naïve not to.

I'm in the middle of this thing right now! And the "if you've ever questioned your gender, then you are trans" doesn't really fly with me. I get that non-trans people don't question their gender, but I question everything. I don't understand why anybody wouldn't question it. My logic and intuition are arguing with each other.

My logic says that I had a few scattered instances over the years and it didn't become full blown until I ended up at a support group, and that doesn't really mean I'm trans. It just means I have some feminine tendencies. And I really don't feel a need to be a woman most times in day to day life. It comes and goes. Sometimes I go days without thinking about it, other times I feel so anxious I think I'm going to die if I don't do something about it.

But then my logic also fights with itself because I thought about it my whole life, enough to feel the need to search for answers the second I discovered the Internet 20 years later. Despite the fact that I was always very physically fit, I actually let myself become overweight. Why? Because I wanted to feel like I had a chest, even if it wasn't real. I haven't bought male gendered clothing in about 6 months and I have so many female clothing items, that I've run out of hangers.

But the logic isn't the driving factor for me towards being trans. It's the driving factor towards NOT being trans. What keeps me in this cycle is that combined with intuition, because my intuition says I need to be a woman. That I can't explain. It's just a feeling that's independent of all logic. And it means more to me than my logic at this point. There was a time in my life when I was entirely driven by intuition. I didn't use logic to make any decisions. I did what I felt was the right move and it worked out very well for me. When I started leaning more towards logic, things became more difficult for me. Even when I shoot pool, I used to kind of feel what the right angle was for a shot and I was very good at the game. Now I try to actually aim instead and I keep missing! I'm lucky if I can run more than 3 or 4 balls, but with intuition, I could run 20-30 in my sleep. So I'm just going to keep logic for my job and get rid of it for everything else and see how that goes. Onward and upward!

For me, I was in denial my whole life- mainly because I did not know the tg condition existed or that transition was possible.  No conscious thoughts about gender, but a lot of devaluation of my self as I reacted in what I now realise where feminine instinctual reactions.
What convinced me was I could go back through all the traumatic events in my life, and if I switched out the boy for a little girl then they made total sense.

I was wondering myself if I was fooling myself, that it was not gender that was the issue but the wanting to be someone else.... anyone else.
  I tried the exercise of imagining me as an uber man... someone else who was fit, handsome, successful and rich.  Uhg.  I hated him.  Kill me.
Next I imagined myself as a female- a poorly paid store clerk.  Sign me up, my brain said.
I then imagined myself as a transexual woman working as a clerk, and I was not only fine with it, my brain started buzzing out ideas on how that ts clerk could improve her lifestyle and enjoyment.  It started thinking about cool hair cuts and places she had always wanted to go and events she always wanted to be part of... so on, and so forth.
In short, I felt connected to her, and cared for her well being.  It was natural.
I cannot say the same for uberman.

What I take from that is I cannot possibly succeed in the male gender.

Try that exercise and see what your instincts tell you.

Thanks so many peeps for agreeing with me. :)  Anyway, I think therapy WILL help you figure it out. I'm sure it has helped a lot of people do this, myself included. But you need to give it time and it IS a process. Make sure you are comfortable with your therapist and after that be honest with yourself.

--Jay

Quote from: aleon515 on July 08, 2013, 12:16:22 PM
Anyway, I think therapy WILL help you figure it out. I'm sure it has helped a lot of people do this, myself included. But you need to give it time and it IS a process. Make sure you are comfortable with your therapist and after that be honest with yourself.

I just got back from my first therapy session.  I have to agree, it IS a process, and for me it will most likely be a long one.  I feel like we barely scratched the surface, and that there is a lot of work still left to do.

Emmaline, my instincts vary from week to week - that's where I'm struggling right now!  Today, I'm still feeling fairly comfortable in my own skin, and switching to female would be a "want" and not a "need".  But in a couple of weeks, I can guarantee that I'll be 100% female and desperate to transition.  It's these ups and downs that are killing me, because I never know where I stand.  It's as if I need a female skin in the closet for some days, and a male skin for others.  Except that sounds really creepy, but you know what I mean.

I like your thought process though.  I've often sat and watched women go by at the mall, and there are few who I would not swap bodies with in an instant, even those who are three decades older than me or 100lbs heavier or whatever.  Given the choice between a difficult female life - even a short one - and a luxurious male life, I'd still choose female any day of the week.

E-Brennan,

It sounds like you may benefit from getting this out there to someone in real life.  I really would speak with a therapist.  There is no fear that you will become less or more trans.  The only fear is that you will be facing yourself.  I know it's easier to run away from that at times, but in the long run it will be a lot better for you.  I wish you well in your journey and hope you take the proper steps to find what will bring you peace.  In the meantime, everyone is here for you. 

+1 on here for you.
+1 on sticking at therapy!

Btw, though some of us feel we need to move to the opposite gender strongly does not mean we expect you to fit into the gender binary- dont feel that pressure.  Perhaps your road is finding peace inbetween and being gender fluid.  You should explore that option with your therapist.   Regardless we are all here for you.  Gender issues link us all.
  (Hugs)

I've been wondering the same thing too!

Interesting to see so many replies as well.

Its also been a background thing for me - wanting to identify with females and liking female presentation etc. But its only when I discovered the word "transgender" and what it meant, that my brain suddenly woke up and thought "Sh*t! All these years of thinking like this could be serious, we must understand this so it doesn't cause a problem".

Yes I do think that you have to have an issue in the first place to even begin looking for answers usually. You'll only google "stomach cancer" if you have stomach issues on the first place. Very few people seem to latch on to a notion or a condition without feeling any connection or experiencing anything similar in the first place. There always seems to be a trigger, and then some sort of realisation.

I feel I've encouraged my increasing dysphoria by beginnign to crossdress and explore the feelings I've had. But this guilt and self-hatred is tempered by the fact that I didn't sent out to cause problems for myself, and all the stuff inside would have burst through anyway, probably at an even worser time.

My sexuality for instance - I worry that I've turned myself bisexual as t I now fantasise about being intimate with guys since I started crossdressing and becoming more open-minded. However, I've always felt a strange feeling to be receptive to guy's advances, and enjoy men lookingat me, something feels natural about it, even though I'm not attracted to men. It's like I have a half built female straight sexuality in my head, that may be now in the process of fully wiring-up...

Anyone else had something similar?

So, keep looking into things, and keep a level-head and an open-mind. Hopefully this could minimise any potential to jump to conclusions or even generate any OCD-like thoughts that can cloud the whole issue.

Good luck!

The key word there is worry.

I dont worry that I may be bisexual, so what if I finally figure I am?
  Its who I am and I should be okay with it.
Right now I identify as lesbian, but imagine that may broaden with hormones.  So long as I am comfortable - besides I am married to a great girl who identifies as bi, and loves the idea of transition- so even if I start fancying men too, it wont change my life - so I am lucky.
I used to be terrified of being gay as a kid- my town was small and bigoted.  I was scared that because I felt feminine, I was gay... but we all know thats not connected.  I was confused that I liked girls and felt sick with men... was it my fear of being gay that made me sick?  Terrifying stuff for a teen.
The moment I discovered trans... It all untangled.  Oh, I WAS gay... but a gay woman, not a gay man.   Ooooooooh.

Thankfully we have the interwebby or I would have been screwed!

The answers to your questions are within you. A good therapist will
help you to find those answers. You will not become any more or
less trans. You already are who you are.

Once you discover who you are your therapist will help you decide
what, if anything, you want to do about it.

I think the ups and downs are pretty normal. I know I have them. I
believe my downs come from my fears of coming out. The unknown.

I remember a time when I was wishy washy about my gender variance. It was only due to shame that I had built up over the years that I didn't allow full acceptance of self. Pretty much as soon as I saw a therapist, she helped me attack that shame head on. From that moment when I came out to myself completely, I have never been happier. I don't fear the future, and I don't worry about "what if". I decided to begin transition less than a month later.

Don't be afraid to get to know yourself. And once you do spend enough time to really figure yourself out, don't just deny it and go back to stage one. At least come out to yourself or don't. You will be so much happier!

Just because you admit that you are trans doesn't mean you HAVE to begin transition. But it is definitely the first step in the right direction of relaxing about who you really are. And nobody else can really TELL you who you are.. not even a therapist. The answer is inside you already, just exist with and trust yourself.

Quote from: E-Brennan on July 07, 2013, 02:53:06 PM
I've been thinking a lot over the past week or two.  My gender issues seem to fluctuate up and down, from barely noticeable to so stressful and uncomfortable that I physically ache in my chest from the discomfort and anxiety and desire to change gender because everything about me feels just wrong.  I guess I'm in one of those low-TG phases right now where I still feel it, but it's not interfering too much with my daily life (although it still occupies my thoughts about 50% of the time), so I've had some time to think.

That's what I describe as genderfluidity.  Dysphoria does not have to be this constant drumbeat in your head.  Dysphoria can be situational.

More awesome replies and advice! I don't know what to say.   :)

Today - or last night - was a huge low.  The gender issues seem to be at the easiest point ever right now, like almost gone.  You would have thought that this would make me happy, being able to function day to day without gender being at the forefront of my mind.  Normally it does.  But instead, I'm in a really sad mood - I miss the female part of me.  I used to be glad when I was just feeling normal, but today I miss her terribly.

I always say that if there was a pill I could take and wake up female, I'd take it without a second thought.  But I would also take a pill that made me wake up 100% male and never think about gender again.  It's the uncertainty and fluidity that is the problem, not the final gender.

I've never really missed the female side of me when she's not here because she's always been something I've tried to ignore, but since I've been accepting her a little more and letting her show through, getting to know her a little, I really miss her a lot now that she's gone.  And I want her back - for the first time ever.

And that in itself worries me – I don't want to be trans.  If that's what I am, then fine.  But it's not something I wish upon myself; it's not as if changing gender should be something I want, but something I need.  Surely I shouldn't be wishing these problems on myself.

I have a feeling that she'll be back soon enough though.  I guess I just need to give it time.

Yeah, I know.  I've really got to get that therapy sorted out...

Quote from: Jamie D on July 09, 2013, 03:12:27 AM
That's what I describe as genderfluidity.  Dysphoria does not have to be this constant drumbeat in your head.  Dysphoria can be situational.

Well it's not necessarily-- could be in this case. But I'd say my dysphoria is not static. Ebbs and flows.

--Jay

Quote from: E-Brennan on July 09, 2013, 09:41:21 AM
More awesome replies and advice! I don't know what to say.   :)

Today - or last night - was a huge low.  The gender issues seem to be at the easiest point ever right now, like almost gone.  You would have thought that this would make me happy, being able to function day to day without gender being at the forefront of my mind.  Normally it does.  But instead, I'm in a really sad mood - I miss the female part of me.  I used to be glad when I was just feeling normal, but today I miss her terribly.

I always say that if there was a pill I could take and wake up female, I'd take it without a second thought.  But I would also take a pill that made me wake up 100% male and never think about gender again.  It's the uncertainty and fluidity that is the problem, not the final gender.

I've never really missed the female side of me when she's not here because she's always been something I've tried to ignore, but since I've been accepting her a little more and letting her show through, getting to know her a little, I really miss her a lot now that she's gone.  And I want her back - for the first time ever.

And that in itself worries me – I don't want to be trans.  If that's what I am, then fine.  But it's not something I wish upon myself; it's not as if changing gender should be something I want, but something I need.  Surely I shouldn't be wishing these problems on myself.

I have a feeling that she'll be back soon enough though.  I guess I just need to give it time.

Yeah, I know.  I've really got to get that therapy sorted out...

I'm pretty sure this post just helped me, but we'll see tomorrow lol. I've been back and forth on a daily basis lately... again. It's the bit about the uncertainty. The uncertainty is a new thing for me. When I try to convince myself I'm not trans or otherwise put it out of my mind, that uncertainty always comes back. I don't think I can live with that constantly creeping back in my mind. It's not there when I just accept it, so that should be a clue to me that female is the right direction!

This thread is making me feel a lot better because those types of fears are exactly what's been preventing me from transitioning. There have been some points where I felt like I was making myself trans just by constantly thinking about it, researching transition, looking at clothes. There are times when I feel fine being a guy and throw away all the progress I've made by deleting journal entries that have to do with it, throwing away clothes, canceling therapy appointments, and then trying hard to suppress any trans-related thoughts as long as I could. Earlier on, I was happy to feel 'normal' for a little bit, but now it's my biggest fear about transition that for some reason that will happen again. Feelings of dysphoria and the desire to transition always come back stronger than before, and I also feel excited for the future, have more motivation, exercise everyday, and eat healthy when I'm in the mindset of "I'm transitioning." The exact opposite is true when I try hard to push it out of my mind. I feel like that's enough to say that I'm not somehow making all of this up.

I think there are just some times when I feel less urgency about transition. Maybe I'm in a situation where my gender doesn't come into play, and then I overreact about not feeling like I'm female at that point. I'm starting therapy again in a week, and I hope this topic can get taken care of so I can get on with my life.

First of all, this is a really important subject to talk about IMO.  I've been struggling with uncertainty for more than 10 years. 

Quote from: emmaline on July 08, 2013, 10:49:40 AM
For me, I was in denial my whole life- mainly because I did not know the tg condition existed or that transition was possible.  No conscious thoughts about gender, but a lot of devaluation of my self as I reacted in what I now realise where feminine instinctual reactions.
What convinced me was I could go back through all the traumatic events in my life, and if I switched out the boy for a little girl then they made total sense.

I was wondering myself if I was fooling myself, that it was not gender that was the issue but the wanting to be someone else.... anyone else.
  I tried the exercise of imagining me as an uber man... someone else who was fit, handsome, successful and rich.  Uhg.  I hated him.  Kill me.
Next I imagined myself as a female- a poorly paid store clerk.  Sign me up, my brain said.
I then imagined myself as a transexual woman working as a clerk, and I was not only fine with it, my brain started buzzing out ideas on how that ts clerk could improve her lifestyle and enjoyment.  It started thinking about cool hair cuts and places she had always wanted to go and events she always wanted to be part of... so on, and so forth.
In short, I felt connected to her, and cared for her well being.  It was natural.
I cannot say the same for uberman.

What I take from that is I cannot possibly succeed in the male gender.

Try that exercise and see what your instincts tell you.

I've done thought exercises myself especially within the past 6 years.

I've determined that as well, that I can't succeed in the male gender.  I like women but I can't enjoy having sex as a male (actual penetration), I can't enjoy playing the male role in a relationship, I don't like playing masculine, I don't like making friends as a male, and there's very little I like about the male role other than certain privileges and ability to get a woman.  There are times that I'm ok with some of the things, but it eventually dissipates and I just don't like it.   At the very least, I feel playing the role as being empty.  I don't like life in other words, no matter how successful I am.


On the other hand, through experiences and thought exercises within the past 15 years, I found how much I liked having sex as a woman, that I can naturally act feminine, and at times, how much I liked seeing myself as a woman, how much I liked looking and being as a feminine woman, how I often gravitate toward feminine things especially after not being exposed for a short while, how when I put myself into the role of girlfriend/wife/mother (being with a guy), I was attracted to being like that, and if it weren't for my particular beef with men being untrustable, I'd probably be attracted to guys and more bisexual rather than desiring to be a lipstick lesbian.  In addition, how my feelings have survived the negative mental programming my mind put me about women, since for me my "protective" mind had been against me for the past 4 years, trying to not get me to do something dramatic as I still am afraid of putting my ties with my parents / family at risk.

Quote from: how-audrey on July 09, 2013, 05:15:14 PM
This thread is making me feel a lot better because those types of fears are exactly what's been preventing me from transitioning. There have been some points where I felt like I was making myself trans just by constantly thinking about it, researching transition, looking at clothes. There are times when I feel fine being a guy and throw away all the progress I've made by deleting journal entries that have to do with it, throwing away clothes, canceling therapy appointments, and then trying hard to suppress any trans-related thoughts as long as I could. Earlier on, I was happy to feel 'normal' for a little bit, but now it's my biggest fear about transition that for some reason that will happen again. Feelings of dysphoria and the desire to transition always come back stronger than before, and I also feel excited for the future, have more motivation, exercise everyday, and eat healthy when I'm in the mindset of "I'm transitioning." The exact opposite is true when I try hard to push it out of my mind. I feel like that's enough to say that I'm not somehow making all of this up.

I think there are just some times when I feel less urgency about transition. Maybe I'm in a situation where my gender doesn't come into play, and then I overreact about not feeling like I'm female at that point. I'm starting therapy again in a week, and I hope this topic can get taken care of so I can get on with my life.

I'm very much like you in that I feel like that, at times I question it and I think that I may be making it up, and like feeling "normal", but then the desire eventually comes back, and then I go back to feeling desire to transition and accompanying dysphoria.  I've tried at times to suppress it, but I feel unhappy and eventually the feelngs come back through random thoughts and feelings and a feeling of wishing.

In fact, many others here I feel like them.

Quote from: E-Brennan on July 09, 2013, 09:41:21 AM
More awesome replies and advice! I don't know what to say.   :)

Today - or last night - was a huge low.  The gender issues seem to be at the easiest point ever right now, like almost gone.  You would have thought that this would make me happy, being able to function day to day without gender being at the forefront of my mind.  Normally it does.  But instead, I'm in a really sad mood - I miss the female part of me.  I used to be glad when I was just feeling normal, but today I miss her terribly.

Believe me, the single most powerful motivational force in me transitioning is the feminine feelings I felt and how much I enjoyed even pretending to be a GG when I had the chance years ago.  I haven't been able to fully access those feelings for quite awhile, and I terribly miss them.  I can't enjoy life without being able to express myself as a feminine woman and to me that involves possibly transitioning and being as much of a feminine woman as possible (just short of having a relationship with a guy and having children though,)

QuoteI always say that if there was a pill I could take and wake up female, I'd take it without a second thought.  But I would also take a pill that made me wake up 100% male and never think about gender again.  It's the uncertainty and fluidity that is the problem, not the final gender.

I've never really missed the female side of me when she's not here because she's always been something I've tried to ignore, but since I've been accepting her a little more and letting her show through, getting to know her a little, I really miss her a lot now that she's gone.  And I want her back - for the first time ever.

And that in itself worries me – I don't want to be trans.  If that's what I am, then fine.  But it's not something I wish upon myself; it's not as if changing gender should be something I want, but something I need.  Surely I shouldn't be wishing these problems on myself.

Sometimes I wish I was not transgender.  Certainly, I was for a while when I was younger, hell bent on working hard to make successful organizations and being big in this world.  I could be making a lot more money than I am now.  I could be enjoying closer relations with family members as well as a lot of friends.  However, I can't deny what I felt and my transgender issues are to the point that I can't feel good about my life unless I at the very least androgynize myself through hormones, and at the very most fully transition.

Very interesting thread ...indeed.

I am thinking abou that aspect very intensively. And I have some doubts about the transition, because I think I could somehow became addicted on that idea and maybe it is only my illusion? I have this fear because my gender problems are not constant, sometimes I feel ok in male role, especially if there aren't situations in which gender should play any major role. But the feeling "want to be a female" always comes back after some time. As some of you mentioned... I also have those feelings when I see women in mall, on the street anywhere...I immediately think about wanting to be one of them, look like them, be accepted and treated as a female, rather than thinking "I would like to have sex with that girl or date her" as normal male folks usually do. And my sexual fantazies are also always in female mode... This gender instability that I am experiencing isn't nice...and I spend much of my time thinking about it lately. And the strange fact is that I became obsessed with reading about this issues and digging more information. And when I see all successful transition videos, photos etc, it evens accelerates my wishes to become a female. But then I also tell to myself, is it real need or just a wish that doesn't need to be fulfilled?

However...if I am "normal" why would I be so interested in transition, if there isn't any real need inside my brain? Why would anyone want to voluntarily make the life more complicated? It doesn't make sence to me, it can't be only an irrational wish...

At least I am a little calmer now with knowledge that I am not alone here.

I can say that I've felt this way for a while now.

There are a few times I can't stand being perceived as male, and other times I don't feel like making a complete 180 change to female would be a solution.  I kind of feel at peace right now in the middle.  In face SRS has been dropped from my plans for a while now, though I don't feel comfortable identifying as androgyne (I don't feel like both/neither gender, I've always leaned towards the female gender).

Some conflicting thoughts; I can say, however, that I'm thankful that my gender dysphoria is not crippling my day-to-day existence.  I'm probably more upset by my weight than my gender dysphoria  :D

Is there a 'describe your dysphoria' thread?  Maybe useful.

Crippling is a good description of how I felt some days.
A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.
A sort of disconnect from parts of my body.  A numbness.
Ill at ease around men in my case.  A draw towards women that was not sexual.
A constant feeling I need to be somewhere else... like a nagging ache.
A distance between me and the guy in the mirror...  I could not care about that person
My brain feels tired quickly in social interactions with men.
A constant sense of being fake.
A mild sense of jealousy looking a females.  Moreso now I am aware of it, but before I was drawn to girls, would seduce them and keep them as friends... even when not attracted... it was a kind of  jealous act.
An icky feeling sometimes, like I need to shake out my limbs... but more like shake off the bulk.

Anyone resonate with that?

To answer the OP's question in a clear and concise manner, no..

I don't believe there is anything that could make you become transgendered. Why would anyone choose to feel this way or live their lives this way if it was controllable? It has probably been there a longtime and just now you are coming to terms with it and struggling to fully accept it which is causing you to seek out like minded individuals, reading articles and so on. 

 :P Posted just the quote somehow! Let me try this again.

Quote from: emmaline on July 10, 2013, 07:52:24 AM
Crippling is a good description of how I felt some days.
A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.
A sort of disconnect from parts of my body.  A numbness.
Ill at ease around men in my case.  A draw towards women that was not sexual.
A constant feeling I need to be somewhere else... like a nagging ache.
A distance between me and the guy in the mirror...  I could not care about that person
My brain feels tired quickly in social interactions with men.
A constant sense of being fake.
A mild sense of jealousy looking a females.  Moreso now I am aware of it, but before I was drawn to girls, would seduce them and keep them as friends... even when not attracted... it was a kind of  jealous act.
An icky feeling sometimes, like I need to shake out my limbs... but more like shake off the bulk.

Anyone resonate with that?

*slowly raises hand*
All except the part about seducing women out of jealousy. Though I do feel jealous of them at times, and am sexually attracted to them, but also prefer them as friends as well. The only time I feel jealous of them is when they 1) Go Shopping! and 2) when I stop and think about how easy they have it as far as looking feminine and pretty . . . something that I don't think is completely exclusive to trans women from cis women, as I know several who do the same thing. My sexual feelings for women are separate from those.

That being said it falls under the category of "No, not me . . . but I can definitely see how someone could be/feel that way".

I also don't have an icky feeling about my limbs that's repulsion. But I do feel awkward, especially when moving. I just feel like I don't move . . . right. like they should be thinner. It's like . . . like being a construction vehicle when I have the engine of a sports car. It's not disgusting to me . . . but it is awkward and doesn't feel right.

The rest of it? Check check check check check check check Big check, no, but I can understand it, and no, but I do feel my body isn't right in general so I can understand how someone else in my situation may feel/think of it differently.

I'm someone who has been dealing with and studying "transgender" matters for a very long time (decades). I believe I can shed some light here.

Your first mistake is in assuming there is a singular condition known as "transgender". While there are plenty of people around here who consider transsexualism to be final fulfillment of any inclinations of this sort-- there are many different states of mind and many different ways to be. Our social conditioning makes us desire to consider ourselves a definite gender and be a man or a woman with no ambiguity. The reality is that there can be ambiguity. Even the most fully transitioned transsexual will always be of both genders to a considerable degree.

While you can try to pigionhole yourself as a man, woman or "transgender", in reality you are your own creation. I decided the best way to to deal with this matter is to look deeply into myself, understand what I want from my gender feelings and custom tailor a reality that fits that. All I'm becoming more of is myself.

~ Lyric ~

^ The problem is we live in a two gendered heterosexual society where if you don't fit into either gender cleanly, you don't feel like you can fit in.  And for the sake of group social interaction and being in organizations, makes me feel like one has to cleanly fit in to have a chance of success.

Quote from: Katelyn on July 10, 2013, 10:46:51 AM^ The problem is we live in a two gendered heterosexual society where if you don't fit into either gender cleanly, you don't feel like you can fit in.  And for the sake of group social interaction and being in organizations, makes me feel like one has to cleanly fit in to have a chance of success.

It seems that way, for sure, but it's not as much as you'd think. The fact is, you stepped out of "normal" society the moment you realized you were not the gender it says on your birth certificate. The solution? Gravitate toward less ordinary groups of positive and tolerant people. There are plenty of people in the world who actually appreciate diversity-- even the gender kind. Spend as little time as possible among those who do not accept gender variation. Trust me, those people will never be your friends, anyway.

~ Lyric ~

Quote from: Bookworm on July 07, 2013, 03:35:40 PM
I have thought about this as well. I have times where I go with being fine with being male to times where I cant stand it. I dont know sometimes. I have times where the idea of being a girl is disturbing, but others where it just seems right. I am lost and confused as well. I understand that feeling.

While the times that I'm fine being male are probably about less than 10%, I've had them and there are occasionally times where all my feelings and desires just go away and I do feel somewhat inclined to think that this transitioning desire is just something I made up. 

Also, I'm in general attracted to the female gender, be it girly / womanly things like beauty and pretty things to being female to being friends with girls / women to, yes, being with a woman in a relationship.  However, I wonder at times if I'm attracted to the female gender because of my romantic attraction to women.   I for instance don't in general have a desire to have a family or have children (though at times I have had some interest in being a mother and raising a girl if I transitioned and happened to be wealthy enough in the future, but probably an adopted girl, or even a trans-girl.)  Even my attraction to women, I do feel that if uninhibited, I would be bisexual, and if men were more trustable, I'd probably be more interested in being with them in a relationship.  Sexually I do at times get aroused with thinking of being with a guy.

My insecurity with transitioning has been based on things mentioned above as well as not feeling female all the time since young, and even when at times I do feel like I am female, uncertain if that's how females do truly feel.  If I look at my past, I loved dressing up since 12 years old in female clothing not just for the clothes, and not just for feeling feminine / girly, but because I loved to see my body as female, and female clothes enhanced my body.  I then bought a wig at 19 years old and saw myself in the mirror and identified with how I saw myself, as a girl with long hair, and felt since then that that's how I want to look.  Also, I felt indifferent about my penis, and never desired having sex with it other than to lose my virginity status, and much more identified with having a vagina and having sex with a vagina since at least 10 years ago.  I started reading a transwoman's transitioning journal maybe 15 years ago and thats what started my desire to transition.  Even before that, I saw a movie where a man would spontaneously change into a woman (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) back in 1996 and I desired that back then (and I started secretly dressing as a girl just 2 years prior), and I remember going to  AOL crossdresser forums in 1997 and at the time desiring to crossdress fulltime, and disappointed that noone else desired that, and by 2000 - 2001 I was fascinated with transitioning to the point that I was looking at a lot of transitioning websites and knew a lot about the transitioning process as well as the hormones. 

Quote from: Lyric on July 10, 2013, 11:52:45 AM


It seems that way, for sure, but it's not as much as you'd think. The fact is, you stepped out of "normal" society the moment you realized you were not the gender it says on your birth certificate. The solution? Gravitate toward less ordinary groups of positive and tolerant people. There are plenty of people in the world who actually appreciate diversity-- even the gender kind. Spend as little time as possible among those who do not accept gender variation. Trust me, those people will never be your friends, anyway.

~ Lyric ~

So would that be any groups that are lgbt friendly (including arts related communities) as well as certain subcultures?  Also, being in big cities as well.

Another group that I've considered trying myself, but haven't yet, is a Unitarian church. From what I've heard, it's not a religion despite the word church in the name of the location. It's all about humanitarian efforts and dealing with current events. They also close their doors to nobody, i.e. all people are accepted.

I've thought about this because that's one of my downfalls. I get so filled with shame over being trans, that I end up just staying indoors and becoming so reclusive that I rarely interact with people. I need to learn to not only be comfortable in my own skin within the confines of my house, but also to feel the same way when I'm interacting with people in public. It's a major obstacle for me.

Quote from: Katelyn on July 10, 2013, 12:24:48 PM
While the times that I'm fine being male are probably about less than 10%, I've had them and there are occasionally times where all my feelings and desires just go away and I do feel somewhat inclined to think that this transitioning desire is just something I made up.

I had long periods in my life where I was seemingly happy living as a male..

QuoteAlso, I'm in general attracted to the female gender, be it girly / womanly things like beauty and pretty things to being female to being friends with girls / women to, yes, being with a woman in a relationship.  However, I wonder at times if I'm attracted to the female gender because of my romantic attraction to women.   I for instance don't in general have a desire to have a family or have children (though at times I have had some interest in being a mother and raising a girl if I transitioned and happened to be wealthy enough in the future, but probably an adopted girl, or even a trans-girl.)  Even my attraction to women, I do feel that if uninhibited, I would be bisexual, and if men were more trustable, I'd probably be more interested in being with them in a relationship.  Sexually I do at times get aroused with thinking of being with a guy.

Perhaps ypu are simply attracted to feminine things because you are a woman? I had no great desire for a family either, but life seems to have conspired against me on that one..

QuoteMy insecurity with transitioning has been based on things mentioned above as well as not feeling female all the time since young, and even when at times I do feel like I am female, uncertain if that's how females do truly feel.  If I look at my past, I loved dressing up since 12 years old in female clothing not just for the clothes, and not just for feeling feminine / girly, but because I loved to see my body as female, and female clothes enhanced my body.  I then bought a wig at 19 years old and saw myself in the mirror and identified with how I saw myself, as a girl with long hair, and felt since then that that's how I want to look.  Also, I felt indifferent about my penis, and never desired having sex with it other than to lose my virginity status, and much more identified with having a vagina and having sex with a vagina since at least 10 years ago.  I started reading a transwoman's transitioning journal maybe 15 years ago and thats what started my desire to transition.  Even before that, I saw a movie where a man would spontaneously change into a woman (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) back in 1996 and I desired that back then (and I started secretly dressing as a girl just 2 years prior), and I remember going to  AOL crossdresser forums in 1997 and at the time desiring to crossdress fulltime, and disappointed that noone else desired that, and by 2000 - 2001 I was fascinated with transitioning to the point that I was looking at a lot of transitioning websites and knew a lot about the transitioning process as well as the hormones.

Seems to me you know what you need to do, you are just a little lacking in self acceptance.

Some of the reasons you list for not having transitioned are precisely the bits of the 'standard trans narrative' that so few trans people ever really live.. I didn't know I was a woman from childhood, but I do know I'm a woman.

What's my point? My point is that you don't have to have followed the 'standard trans narrative' for transition to be a benefit.. Heck, according to the DSM, I'm not even trans.. And yet I am, I live my life as a woman

Quote from: emmaline on July 10, 2013, 07:52:24 AM
Is there a 'describe your dysphoria' thread?  Maybe useful.

Crippling is a good description of how I felt some days.
Yes

A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.
Sometimes

A sort of disconnect from parts of my body.  A numbness.
Yes - the parts in question being my genitalia

Ill at ease around men in my case.  A draw towards women that was not sexual.
Ill at ease among men in a group, definitely: less so one-on-one. DEFINITELY drawn towards women!

A constant feeling I need to be somewhere else... like a nagging ache.
Oh God, absolutely!

A distance between me and the guy in the mirror...  I could not care about that person
Sometimes

My brain feels tired quickly in social interactions with men.
Again, yes, when it's 'all guys together' - just can't do that

A constant sense of being fake.
Yep

A mild sense of jealousy looking a females.  Moreso now I am aware of it, but before I was drawn to girls, would seduce them and keep them as friends... even when not attracted... it was a kind of  jealous act.
Again, I so recognise this - though I have (sometimes) felt regular lust towards women too. But it's never been that constant, demanding urge guys talk about


An icky feeling sometimes, like I need to shake out my limbs... but more like shake off the bulk.
God yes!

Anyone resonate with that?
Ooohhh yes!  :)

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 10, 2013, 01:15:12 PM
What's my point? My point is that you don't have to have followed the 'standard trans narrative' for transition to be a benefit.. Heck, according to the DSM, I'm not even trans.. And yet I am, I live my life as a woman

More people like you need to come out, it would have saved me and probably save others years of pain and limbo.

Quote from: Katelyn on July 10, 2013, 01:25:06 PM
More people like you need to come out, it would have saved me and probably save others years of pain and limbo.

I'm out... And I lurk around a few places.. Sometimes I get drowned out by others in the herd..

Actually this is more unique to transwomen because from what I've seen of FTM's, there are FTM's that never questioned their gender when they were young but then later in life transitioned and many don't even identify as men but as genderqueer, but they live as men.

More transwomen that don't fit the mold should come out IMO even if only for to help other MTF's lost, wandering in the desert.

Quote from: emmaline on July 10, 2013, 07:52:24 AM

A lurching feeling when I saw photos of myself.

so my cover photo on Facebook for a while was one from a year ago and I just couldn't stand to look at it. I think photos of me now tend to be slightly more feminine thanks to being more feminine and those pictures are better to look at. It was just shocking to see a picture of me from a year ago and feeling a complete disconnect from that person despite not undergoing any physical changes.

See, my mum basically thinks I'm feeding into it by being on the internet. One time, she was on the phone with my brother, and as usual she mentioning me by birthname and this time I called her transphobic and then she starts saying something to him along the lines of her being fine with TV, but you can look up anything on the internet blah blah blah... I remember when I came out to her in November, and I said something about research, but I didn't just all of a sudden look up trans stuff and decided "hey let's totally do this for the lolz and go through this awesome thing called dysphoria which you can't really bring on yourself unless you really feel like a guy rather than what you were assigned as but whatever!"

For a long while I was feeling more androgynous or genderless but at the time I didn't know the words. Then I found myself  identifying more with males, and feeling male. Then I stumbled upon Loren Cameron, and it clicked. And I sat there looking at his body with tears in my eyes, knowing this was what I wanted for myself. But I was still ignorant to trans stuff, and didn't know about hrt. I thought the only way to get a more masculine shape was to work out like crazy, I love exercise and running and stuff, but it seemed impossible. And then I was thinking I'd never be a true guy, and more specifically, a gay guy. So I shut it away, suppressing it I guess, but then my true self could not be contained, and I learned about testosterone, was unsure about it for a while, but the more I researched it the more comfortable I became with it. I knew what I'd be getting myself into, same with top surgery. I don't dare or bother trying to explain this to my mum, she just won't get it and she'll probably just twist everything...

I'm lucky that I have a boyish sort of face already, and my body's a good base too, I have my dysphoria, and it can be real painful at times, but it'd be a lot worse if I didn't have such a good base going for me, and doing that power 90 workout with the weights has helped.

Man, there was also this one time, a few months ago, where she told she wasn't gonna let me take t and everything as long as I was under her roof and junk, and she was saying crap about how I take things to "extremes." Like, she brought up how I used to shave off all my body hair a few years ago and took long showers. She said something else too, don't remember, but I'm sitting there like wtf is she talking about? What's so wrong with shaving off all your body hair, and wtf does this have to do with gender? Then she asked me something along the lines of if I felt this way because of my chest(my chest is small thank the stars, and looks like weird round pecs, working out with weights has helped) and she was going off about how she doesn't have a big chest (she has good boobage going lol wtf is she talking about) I guess in her mind trying to make me feel better or something stupid, and I'm saying how it'd be awful if I had a bigger chest, and I don't remember what she said after that.

Wow, this has turned into a long rant, I'm just gonna keep going, I don't have anyone to talk to, except my brother who I think is respecting me and kinda getting it and is on my side so to speak.  She is just so irritating, I live all by myself in her house, no job (gonna send in my application to a horse farm for an apprenticeship and hopefully get accepted and get outta here) taking care of the twenty cats here, she stays at her fiance's apartment most of the time when she's not at work, so everything can be going swell, I'm feeling okay about myself, "I am Ruthven here me roar" lol, and then she comes home and within no time she starts birthnaming it up. She's the type of person who can say someone's name a lot when she's speaking to you, and it's even better when she manages to get pronouns in there(of course the wrong ones) even though you're the only one in the room with her. I'm usually correcting her and saying "Ruthven" but she just ignores me most of the time, expect for this one time she was basically all like "I can call you whatever I want!" And another time where she called me a "lady" and I was like "No I'm not!" An she was like "Yes you are!"  She really disgusts me sometimes... 

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 10, 2013, 01:15:12 PMSome of the reasons you list for not having transitioned are precisely the bits of the 'standard trans narrative' that so few trans people ever really live.. I didn't know I was a woman from childhood, but I do know I'm a woman.

Same thing with me. I didn't feel like a dude since childhood, but then it just started unlocking or something when I was like 18 or so.

Quote from: CallMeJess on July 10, 2013, 02:01:59 PMso my cover photo on Facebook for a while was one from a year ago and I just couldn't stand to look at it. I think photos of me now tend to be slightly more feminine thanks to being more feminine and those pictures are better to look at. It was just shocking to see a picture of me from a year ago and feeling a complete disconnect from that person despite not undergoing any physical changes.

Oh this reminds me of when my mum came home recently holding a very familiar camera. I started feeling very uncomfortable as it dawned on me that a few years ago, when I had long hair and wore makeup, I had taken pics cause I was trying to get a good one to put up for myspace when I was into that stuff (I actually never really was, I've always had social issues/anxiety and was only on there to connect with a guy I liked). I asked her what was on the camera, as I wasn't 100% sure those pics were still there, and she said "Pictures of you" and I'm just like horrified, and she wants me to come look, and I just leave the room, feeling sick. I couldn't believe her, how could she think I'd be comfortable with that? And when she left I was feeling angry too, cause she probably was gonna share them with her fiance, even though you'd think "oh these pics make him uncomfortable I shouldn't do that" I should've asked her to delete the pics or let me, lol I just know she would've spewed something like "this is my camera blah blah blah.."

I know back then I didn't know I was a guy, and hey guys, gals, agender and bigender peeps, and everyone we can all wear whatever clothes we like, and makeup and so on, but that wasn't me. Not any more, and that's why it made me so uncomfortable. I'd love to rock glittery nail polish and maybe some more feminine clothes sometimes, though I generally prefer "male" clothes, but I wanna wait til I'm on t for a good while, be more comfortable then. Besides, I know if I dared wear nail polish, my mum would use it against me and use it as fuel that I'm not a guy and trans.

If only I could have been born 100 years down the road, where these issues were sorted out!

There are days where I am male (although reluctantly but it's suck-upable), and days when I'm female (and stuck in this body).  I'd be 10000000% happy if I could just wake up and see how I was feeling, and present as male or present as female and have nobody bat an eyelid.  Either put on the sharp suit, or put on the wig and makeup and pretty dress - no questions asked.

Oh well.  At least I wasn't born 100 years ago!  Things could be far, far worse.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 10, 2013, 01:15:12 PM
Some of the reasons you list for not having transitioned are precisely the bits of the 'standard trans narrative' that so few trans people ever really live.. I didn't know I was a woman from childhood, but I do know I'm a woman.

What's my point? My point is that you don't have to have followed the 'standard trans narrative' for transition to be a benefit.. Heck, according to the DSM, I'm not even trans.. And yet I am, I live my life as a woman

I'm currently trying to come to terms with this myself.  After my first therapy session on Monday, it left me feeling like I needed to justify my dysphoria from an early age.  I can find points when growing up where I may have exhibited some of these characteristics, but by in large it was pretty close to "normal".  Its hard for me to describe, but I feel like for me its a desire to become female, not necessarily a need.  Its a desire that comes and goes, and seems to be getting stronger.  Is that enough to justify transitioning?  Its questions like that that I am having a really hard time finding answers for right now.  Deep down I know something is wrong, but finding ways to convince myself of that is proving somewhat difficult.  I don't fit the typical narrative, I don't see myself as a "girly" type of girl, I am me.  I sometimes wish that my life would fit the normal narrative, since it would make this so much easier to deal with and process, but thats not the case.  I'm getting the feeling that it may take me a while to work through all of this stuff with my therapist over the coming months.  About the only thing I think I can do right now is try to be open, and try to not suppress these feelings from myself, and see where they take me.

Quote from: ZoëKäsatseng on July 10, 2013, 06:07:18 PM
I'm currently trying to come to terms with this myself.  After my first therapy session on Monday, it left me feeling like I needed to justify my dysphoria from an early age.  I can find points when growing up where I may have exhibited some of these characteristics, but by in large it was pretty close to "normal".  Its hard for me to describe, but I feel like for me its a desire to become female, not necessarily a need.  Its a desire that comes and goes, and seems to be getting stronger.  Is that enough to justify transitioning?  Its questions like that that I am having a really hard time finding answers for right now.  Deep down I know something is wrong, but finding ways to convince myself of that is proving somewhat difficult.  I don't fit the typical narrative, I don't see myself as a "girly" type of girl, I am me.  I sometimes wish that my life would fit the normal narrative, since it would make this so much easier to deal with and process, but thats not the case.  I'm getting the feeling that it may take me a while to work through all of this stuff with my therapist over the coming months.  About the only thing I think I can do right now is try to be open, and try to not suppress these feelings from myself, and see where they take me.

You know why you don't fit the 'typical narrative'? It's a lie. Almost nobody really fits it.

I'm not a girly girl, not in the least.. But I am undoubtedly a woman. I never suffered from body dysphoria, not the way it described around here. I have no need for SRS, although I'd have it if the opportunity arose.. I use the same voice I've always had. I'm a bit of a rebel.. :P

Am I glad I've transitioned? Absolutely.. 100% the best decision I've ever made. Yes, my therapist and I did some hard yards before I started hormones, 4 months worth of it, at lest weekly visits. There's no way I'd ever go back.

Did I meet the 'narrative'? Hell no.. I don't even make the DSM definition, technically. Thankfully, I have an experienced gender therapist who was able to guide me on my journey. He was ready for me to start hormones before I was.

So who decides if we make ourselves trans or whatever and what if we do? Is someone gunna drank us

Quote from: Katelyn on July 10, 2013, 12:31:17 PMSo would that be any groups that are lgbt friendly (including arts related communities) as well as certain subcultures?  Also, being in big cities as well.

Those are good places to start. As Emily said, some of the Unitarian groups are quite good people. Once you hook up with a few tolerant or "cool" people, they can point you toward other groups in your area. There are less organized groups of friends and such, too. I've had a circle of friends like this I've known for over 3 decades. All are decidedly educated, liberal and have a very positive view of diversity. We don't all hang out as much as we did when we were in our 20s, but we're always there for each other.

I think the web and social media make it much easier to connect with similarly-minded groups than in the past. It can take a bit of time and effort, but if you keep positive and open to possibilities you can find such people.

~ Lyric ~

Hi, I feel your pain and I am so sorry to hear things are so confusing. I was the same way when I first started my T journey. I would relax as much as possible. Try looking deeply into yourself and do what is right a good book I found is "The Transgender Guidebook" by Anne L Boedecker. It really helped me along the journey and discusses phases you might go thru.
Much Loves,
Hugs

Hey guys. I can totally understand how life runs in phases of being certain one time and then questioning everything another time. I can only offer my experiences of having a boyfriend who in his mid 30's decided he could not continue any longer living as a man when he had thought so much and so many times of becoming the girl he always knew he was. Not an easy decision for anyone particularly when he has children and lots of family and friends and of course me his boyfriend. However we discussed the issues and with the knowledge of executing a rough and stressful passage decided it was time! I support him in his transition totally because that is what she wants and what she must do to be happy and fulfilled. I would not suggest its been easy for us but she is well on the way to being totally out to everyone and I know and can see and feel how much happier she is. She is a beautiful girl and I love her exactly as before. I wish everyone else happiness and success in this journey.

Awesome post, Kelly. That's me, almost 100%.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 10, 2013, 07:43:51 PMI'm not a girly girl, not in the least.. But I am undoubtedly a woman. I never suffered from body dysphoria, not the way it described around here. I have no need for SRS, although I'd have it if the opportunity arose.. I use the same voice I've always had. I'm a bit of a rebel.. :P

The only thing I'm struggling with is the "woman" part of it all.  I see myself more as "not a man" rather than a "woman", although I'm leaning towards a more female presentation recently, although still clearly male to most. I too have no need for SRS (now, at least), which I why I struggle with the whole woman thing - the body dysphoria, other than a once-in-a-while desire for a cute pair of tits and a vagina (but more because I don't like the way my penis feels rather than because I need to have a vagina, and more because dresses fit far better with a pair of socks stuffed in my bra), is not really an issue.  It's more social, cultural, and the way that others interact with me.  I'd rather they treated me as female (and not necessarily as a physical woman), rather than male.

I'd be happy just wearing a long wig and makeup, pretty clothes once in a while, and having others communicate with me as if I'm not a man. I know I probably fall into that strange category that lies towards the female side of the spectrum, but doesn't quite get there, and I'd be happy with "let's pretend that he's a girl, and I don't want to admit this to you guys but she looks kinda cute sometimes."

It's so interesting to hear how others feel about their gender identity and genitalia preference/ comfortably. I myself have a very hard time seeing myself as a female,  yet have a strong desire to rid myself of this penis I was given.  like I have said before, I really think I am a butch  lesbian born in a male body, I have no other way to logically classify it. I kind of like my masculine body,  but do not like my sex,  so how do you categorize that??

I have no idea how to categorize that, other than by just saying you're one more vital piece of this giant gender jigsaw puzzle we're all a part of.  I might be on one side, you might be up near another corner somewhere, but we're all part of the same jumbled up mess that we're trying to sort out.

Quote from: Matthieu on July 12, 2013, 01:31:44 AM
It's so interesting to hear how others feel about their gender identity and genitalia preference/ comfortably. I myself have a very hard time seeing myself as a female,  yet have a strong desire to rid myself of this penis I was given.  like I have said before, I really think I am a butch  lesbian born in a male body, I have no other way to logically classify it. I kind of like my masculine body,  but do not like my sex,  so how do you categorize that??

I can kind of identify with you except I'm a lipstick lesbian born in a male body with certain bi tendancies. I have no big desire to rid myself of my penis, if it did somehow magically disappear and be replaced with a vagina I wouldn't complain though. I can easily see myself as a female with tiny tiny breasts. I don't really think there are black and white classifications. We're just as diverse as the cis population when it comes to preferences, desires, politics and everything else under the sun. The only difference is our gender identity.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 12, 2013, 09:08:23 AM
I can kind of identify with you except I'm a lipstick lesbian born in a male body with certain bi tendancies. I have no big desire to rid myself of my penis, if it did somehow magically disappear and be replaced with a vagina I wouldn't complain though. I can easily see myself as a female with tiny tiny breasts. I don't really think there are black and white classifications. We're just as diverse as the cis population when it comes to preferences, desires, politics and everything else under the sun. The only difference is our gender identity.

All of this, except I'd love to be rid of my penis.... almost cut it off.. just saying

Quote from: Erin S on July 12, 2013, 09:57:21 AM
All of this, except I'd love to be rid of my penis.... almost cut it off.. just saying

Big time "ouch". That even hurts just thinking about it.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 12, 2013, 10:04:12 AM
Big time "ouch". That even hurts just thinking about it.

There have been times where I wish I could just cut it off, but I have to remind myself that 1) I'll bleed to death, 2) I need it for SRS. 

Quote from: Katelyn on July 12, 2013, 10:21:25 AM
There have been times where I wish I could just cut it off, but I have to remind myself that 1) I'll bleed to death, 2) I need it for SRS.

Yep, it might be a good thing not to destroy it.

This is a very interesting topic, especially for people like me who are still struggling with their gender identity and their place in the TG spectrum. It has finally motivated me to contribute to this forum after almost one year of silent reading.

I hope you don't mind when I once again go back to the initial questions:

Could I be making myself TG? Could I be just a hypochondriac?

I have put exactly the same questions to myself and also discussed them with my gender therapist.

I also tend to be an experienced hypochondriac.  When I feel the slightest symptoms of a cold I do a lot of internet research to find the most severe and deadly disease which I then believe I have (although deep down I know my thoughts are ridiculous). This leads to even more research, but at a certain point, the circle can be broken and I can smile at myself wondering what a fool I am.

In contrast to hypochondriasis, my thoughts about being TG are far more serious. They are not as absurd as having a severe illness because of some very unspecific symptoms. But there is another good reason why the comparison of GID with hypochondriasis or OCD does not fit. My therapist told me that the latter are egodystonic, they are not consistent with the person's self-perception, i.e. "I actually do not want to do more research, because deep inside I know that I am not ill, but I cannot do anything against it". In contrast, GID is classified as egosyntonic which means that my TG thoughts are in harmony with my innermost feelings (which does not mean that they won't cause lots of trouble).

For me, experiencing feminity is linked to very positive feelings, sometimes addictive like a drug. But it is not like having a severe illness at all which merely should cause very negative feelings. Therefore my therapist is sure (and I am convinced) that it has nothing to do with hypochondriasis.

But I cannot say to which extent the TG thoughts are amplified by permanently dealing with the topic. When I told my therapist that I have spent much time gathering informations in forums, he prescribed a two-week internet abstinence that I managed to cope with without any problems. However, my TG feelings remained on a constant level during those days.

One thing, however, I have learned so far is that the more I deal with the TG topic the less I understand and the more confused I get. I hope that one day I will see clearer.

Annika

I say try being yourself in the other gender to get a answer. It could help some