When I was younger, I was a skinny kid, not very masculine, an outsider. Other boys knew something was different. I still had friends, though. When I joined the Marines, guys would ask me if I was "sweet". After the Marines, I sat on a Harley at the Harley Shop cause it looked fun. Another guy laughed at me. I started my journey into manhood. I took martial arts, I lifted, I got manly/biker/etc tattoos, I acted different.
Once a girlfriend outed my crossdressing to all of my friends. I lost all of my friends. I shook for days, anxiety taking hold. I stopped being as happy and friendly as I was. I increased my manliness. I became the stoic, quiet man. Once my martial art teacher asked me where the happy, friendly guy was. I didn't know how to answer.
I became somewhat of an expert in the manly arts of martial arts, and weapons both old and new. I am not a tough guy and I am afraid to fight, but I seriously doubt there are many who can take me. So, my manliness appeared to be on solid ground.
Enter gender dysphoria. Some of you have seen my other posts (a whole other story which is not needed to be repeated here). I am transgendered. I might even be transsexual. I don't know yet.
To have peace, I must become one with myself. I even posted here about a "slight" lengthening of my nails which freaked me out, "They'll know!", etc.
So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?
I didn't do the macho thing, but I ate enough to get to the size of a truck, a buzz cut, and a genuine interest in engineering and tech enabled me to just about interact with more liberal guys.
I was paranoid beyond ridiculousness, but my journey was just many little steps, each time I'd reflect on how I felt about them. Tiny things like using moisturiser every day, skinny cut jeans, getting my brows shaped (plenty of men do this), and getting a back/chest wax. All these things are acceptable by most people, but they let you focus at least a bit on the more feminine beauty regime.
At any point on that journey, you can pause, stop or even go back, until you find where you feel comfortable. X
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When my gender dysphoria hit during my masculine phase I decided to see a LGBT psychologist. We talked and determined the male part of me is the phase, not the female part. It was a big eye opener and I decided to embrace it since. It wasn't easy but I've found friends support me when I never thought they would. I recommend talking to a psychologist as the first steps :)
I spent most of my life in that state of paralysis. What changed was that the dysphoria got worse over time. Eventually, my need to do something about it got to be stronger than my desire to not rock the boat.
I was feeling resentful about being trapped in a life that wasn't mine. And when I looked at the likely future, I was horrified that it would be more of the same, getting worse all the time. I realized that going on the way I had been was not an option. I couldn't see going into my senior years shut-down and depressed, never having had a chance to be myself. I had to do something, and I couldn't wait any longer to do it.
It was a chance encounter with a trans person that broke it all open for me. She was delivering a lecture to an audience of mostly nerds. While she was fairly obviously trans, there was no muttering or tittering about it from the audience. They were there to hear an interesting lecture and that was what they got. It was when I realized that a trans person could function well in normal society that I started investigating it for myself.
My biggest stumbling block was getting up the nerve to tell my wife. It took me months. But I reminded myself of that vision of me as a miseable old man, and eventually, I just took a deep breath and told her. Happy ending.
Quote from: amandam on August 12, 2017, 12:28:49 PM
To have peace, I must become one with myself. I even posted here about a "slight" lengthening of my nails which freaked me out, "They'll know!", etc.
So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?
Amanda,
You have a lot of good questions I think. You are right that some things may have to be let go. The best thing I can offer to maybe make it more doable for you is to say that you don't do it all at one time. I am full time over a year, on HRT over two, and I am still letting things go from my male identity. If you are moving to a more feminine identity, of course, it will not have you confident at first, it is all new to you. The old male identity was safe, but it you are trans, it may not be comfortable. The way I see it, there is no way for most folks not to have an awkward period. You just work through it. It is still crazy for me sometimes to be able embrace things that were denied to me all my life. I find the more I do it, the easier it gets. Don't let the fear rule you.
Moni
I came to view my somewhat hyper-masculine aspects as part of that Hollywood facade of "maleness" I needed to have to survive. You said it best, "OMG! They will all KNOW" over the slightest slip up, like actually having a finger nail! Forget crying like a girl during a tear jerker movie. Guys tend to be driven to out-guy (or is it out-stupid) other guys. To fit in and feel that we can be male in some way, we blend in. I call it being a Chameleon. I could fit in with most groups of guys except jocks. Something about being a big fat and easy target, or "Once bitten twice shy".
On the other-hand many of those traits, or talents, I picked up over the decades all have become part of me. Important parts of me too. Because I like girly-girl does that mean I can't do a brake job and change the wheel bearings on my SUV as long as it's all apart? Need an electrical outlet on that wall over there? I got all the stuff needed on the shelf. Cleaning up probably takes longer then doing the job. Or do I magically now have to pay somebody a lot of money to do a relatively simple job because I am not a hairy chested nut-scratcher.
The "Hairy chested" and "Nut scratching" part I had no issue with loosing as part of my transitioning into a for real person. Whoever that may turn out to be. "Becoming at one with oneself" to me does not imply loping off bits of yourself. Oh wait, bad analogy :o
Everything you have done in life is part of you. Both the wanted and unwanted things. They all went into making You. Aspects you don't like can often be changed. For me a biggie was that lifeless soulless thing I morphed into over decades of beating Joanne down and building up an even more extravagant Hollywood facade of a guy. As a healed myself from the inside, worked on loosing the Shame & Guilt that provided the negative energy needed, I began so see and even experience joy. I even began to sort of learn who I really am.
I did not "Loose" my masculine identity. It simply got lost in all the rest of the clutter of unwanted feelings, thoughts, and coping skills as I adopted far more healthier ways of moving through life. I gained getting a better handle on who and what I really am. Skills learned, the talents acquired, the knowledge learned are all still part of me. Some like non-linear differential equation solving are bound to fall to the wayside. Another talent acquired and un-needed in my life after uni. Heck, it's been ages since I needed to put an engine back together. I may have to crack open a book if I have to that again. But then... I may break a nail ;D Best just buy a new car
So many words of wisdom that speak to my heart. Thank you all.
If you know in your heart that you are female, this likely will eventually come to the surface. Don´t feel pressured to make major decisions -- take time if you need to -- but then again, for me and many others, eventually the Truth about oneself fully comes out.
Very early in my transition some years ago, I received a couple of very excellent pieces of advice -- one online, and one in person --
1) The first very excellent piece of advice I received was "Jennifer, only YOU can decide if you are truly JENNIFER. Others can help you -- friends, professionals like doctors, and so on. But in the end, only YOU can know and decide what your gender truly is." This advice came in real life, face to face, in Spanish from a Black female friend of mine. Wow was she ever correct !!!
2) The second very excellent piece of advice I received a short time later was "Jennifer, if you are debating whether to live ALL aspects of your life as a woman 24 / 7 or not, I advise you to simply take the plunge and JUST DO IT so long as you can financially survive it." This advice came online from in English from a trans female friend in Canada.
Regarding Advice # 2 -- I went full-time female in ALL aspects of my life -- work, shopping, online, dating men, dancing, dressing, travelling, legal documents, medical certification -- all within 2 to 4 months of receiving Advice # 2.
Jennifer xx
I don't know if I could transition. So many things pop up in my mind. I have 3 grown kids, and I've always wanted to be the grandpa I and my kids have never had. I'm still married and there's the aspect of the golden years that are coming up. We can have a decent life financially, not rich, not poor. If I could go back and start over as a girl, yes, I could do that. Transition now? Gives me pause. I really don't know if I could. What's in my mind right now is managing symptoms. If I can move more fem, reduce dysphoria, and improve my mental health, that would probably create little damage to the current situation. I guess my list of preferred outcomes goes something like this:
1. Be born a girl, start over. Not gonna happen.
2. Be TS when young and transition. Too late.
3. Manage symptoms, partial transition - thin out body, electrolysis, etc. Seems the best outcome at this point.
4. Full on transition. Only if I had to, it's not a need at this point, even if part of me would like that.
Guess I'm down to number 3. I think my goal is not to be stressed out over this, to completely accept myself, to be who I am meant to be while not being destructive of my usually pleasant life.
This gets sticky because one of the possibilities used by people who chose #3 is HRT. HRT can help however it does have it's side effects and not everybody is willing to stop there once they get a taste of what's possible. However we do have member who have spend a good deal of time using approach #3.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html
Oh believe me, I know it's scary! The slippery slope of HRT. My goal is to lessen my anxiety problem AND accept myself. Of course, I may be a binary girl, that's the scary part. What if I lose weight, do electrolysis, etc. and then I discover, "hey, I'm looking really good and this is so cool. I want more!". Do I not aspire to be a wise and good grandpa? Yeah, no, don't see myself as grandma. No one said having kids was easy...
I'm trying to do this as delicately as possible, and not freak me out <stop shaking Amanda>. I can lose weight, do laser/electrolysis on hands/feet, possibly face as a start. I kinda want to leave HRT out of this for now. Taking on too much might overwhelm me.
That however is the problem. Suppressing your testosterone levels can often reduce your dysphoria. The problem is that it feels so good that often people want to go the rest of the way because it's a sign that they should have always been female. Funny thing is it works the same in FTMs. You can pretty well tell when the testosterone starts kicking in because they become much more mellow in their posting.
Quote from: amandam on August 13, 2017, 02:45:35 PM
1. Be born a girl, start over. Not gonna happen.
Next lifetime I am hoping for, when I have different lessons to learn or tests to pass
Quote
2. Be TS when young and transition. Too late.
I'm glad I had 2 utter fail transition "experiments". I was young, stupid, ill informed, and ill prepared for the challenges coming from my dysfunctional family background in the late 70's
Quote
3. Manage symptoms, partial transition - thin out body, electrolysis, etc. Seems the best outcome at this point.
4. Full on transition. Only if I had to, it's not a need at this point, even if part of me would like that.
Guess I'm down to number 3. I think my goal is not to be stressed out over this, to completely accept myself, to be who I am meant to be while not being destructive of my usually pleasant life.
Actually the same option depending on how you want to balance the equation. Do what you can to manage the GD while trying to balance all the other important aspects of you, your life and "The Us". Heal your self from the inside to gain the strength to take the Trans-Beast on for real. To rail against the Shame & Guilt which leads to many other self destructive behaviors. Actually learn what is is to be You. The real you and not that facade you relied on for years "To get by"
HRT, either E or an AA is a tool. I totally hate the idea the ME of all people needs some sort of drug to survive. Yet each and every time I tried to end that dependence, I learned that same lesson again that I do need it. Not just to survive, but to feel joy, to feel and be alive.
We can't know, much less control, the future.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7BwWNMFJwE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7BwWNMFJwE)
I guess I am still fighting this. I have major road blocks up everywhere. While intellectually I want to become more fem and find peace, my manly facade does not want to die.
I thought the war in my mind would get harder when I started dealing with this.
I'm going through something pretty similar at the moment. Bit by bit I've slowly started to come to the realization I'm a female at heart. At the same time, my male ego tells me to just suck it up and deal with the hand you've been dealt because you think now is tough? I dread the thought of having to come out to all my friends and family. Although I still struggle on a day to day basis because the world does not see the real me and that leaves me feeling disconnected..at the same time you can't help but think that feeling won't go away because it'll never be enough to just change how people see you on the outside until you learn to accept who you are on the inside.
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Yep that is the worst part about the manly facade, it becomes self sustaining, automatic.
It takes huge efforts to get passed it.
For me one of my worst and still the hardest feature to get passed, is my way of talking.
Having a rough masculine way of talking was always the first wall of defence when meeting new people. My voice and manner of talking was always my first defence, often put up way before I even need to.
Also ariving in new area with new people in Japanese car from the 90s with a twin turbo always turned me instantly into a "cool guy"
You have built a tough shell, and your feminine soul struggles to catch a breath deep beneath it's walls.
You can silence this voice, I got very close. The voice would be silenced and live would role by until one day it will spark again.
The silencing of our true spirit is what kills us, walking around dead until she takes a breath again. And then all the memories come back, and you realise the time wasted.
I could see myself going down this path.
I had done it for a while. I am lucky it did not go on for too long.
Please help yourself, avoid walking around dead! Be you girl
Love Rachel
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Letting go isn't easy, Amanda. It's okay.
Here's something you can do that might help. Give yourself a week, maybe two, to do this.
Get a nice piece of construction paper or cardstock, 11" x 17". Get a bunch of (cheap, used) magazines, magazines that have pictures in them that remind you of the persona you've constructed all your life. Cut out those picture, those words, anything and everything that resonates. Some of the resonances will be the things you've liked. Some of them will be things that you don't. Put the "positive" ones on one side of the cardstock. Arrange them pleasantly, a lovely bit of collage. On the other side, do the same with the "negative" ones. All the things you don't like, that's where they go, on the other side. Use a paste stick to affix everything to the cardstock.
You might arrange the collage to look like a face. Or on the other side, like a motorcycle. Or whatever. Whatever suits your fancy. Keep doing this until both sides are completely filled up. (Like, when I did this many many years ago, there were pictures of Bogart, and smoking, and Frankenstein's monster, and computers, and such. There were also picture of animals, and stained glass, some favorite movies, and words like "strong" and "stoic" and "smart.") Whatever ever it is that resonates for you, that's all that matters.
And then let us know when you're done.
I might have to think about that one. What I realized is that if I obsess too much, it increases my anxiety about my situation. I have to make myself slow down. I suppose it's easy to get yourself mentally worked up over this.
Quote from: amandam on August 14, 2017, 10:08:06 PMI might have to think about that one. What I realized is that if I obsess too much, it increases my anxiety about my situation. I have to make myself slow down. I suppose it's easy to get yourself mentally worked up over this.
Think of it this way -- such a project is way to externalize your feelings, including those of anxiety. This kind of externalization is a way to
let go.
Quote from: amandam on August 13, 2017, 07:06:07 PM
I guess I am still fighting this. I have major road blocks up everywhere. While intellectually I want to become more fem and find peace, my manly facade does not want to die.
I thought the war in my mind would get harder when I started dealing with this.
The Rage Against the Machine
QuoteDo not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Dylan Thomas
Quote"The proper function of man is to live, not to exist."
― Jack London, To Build A Fire
"Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes playing a poor hand well."
― Jack London, To Build A Fire
and a ton more from Jack London & Robert Service. Life in a world at 69 below changes your perspective on things
And from the greatest TG (aka alternate reality compared to the rest of the mooks) movie of all time
QuoteElwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for thirty- five years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
Of course there is the classic "Better the Devil you know...."
I spent way too long, even to this day :( listening to that shouting into one ear. "Don't Rock the Boat" "Don't this" "Don't that" Just fake it the best you can. YOU CAN do it... you did it before right?
Yet, that calm, low voice in the other ear keeps telling me otherwise and when I listen..... I really really really really hate hearing it. Did I say I hate hearing it? I really really really hate my well planed out life turned upside down. :'(
Quote from: Rachel_Christina on August 14, 2017, 12:38:28 AM
Yep that is the worst part about the manly facade, it becomes self sustaining, automatic.
It takes huge efforts to get passed it.
For me one of my worst and still the hardest feature to get passed, is my way of talking.
Having a rough masculine way of talking was always the first wall of defence when meeting new people. My voice and manner of talking was always my first defence, often put up way before I even need to.
Also ariving in new area with new people in Japanese car from the 90s with a twin turbo always turned me instantly into a "cool guy"
You have built a tough shell, and your feminine soul struggles to catch a breath deep beneath it's walls.
You can silence this voice, I got very close. The voice would be silenced and live would role by until one day it will spark again.
The silencing of our true spirit is what kills us, walking around dead until she takes a breath again. And then all the memories come back, and you realise the time wasted.
I could see myself going down this path.
I had done it for a while. I am lucky it did not go on for too long.
Please help yourself, avoid walking around dead! Be you girl
Love Rachel
Rachel There were times when I could make Scarface seem like a G rated movie.
Amanda, I'll say this. You might want to tell your wife what your feeling. She may not realize what is wrong, but I'm sure she realizes "something" is wrong. If she's Transphobic it will be harder. You can tell by her reaction to Caitlan Jenner. And there's one other thing and I think many others will agree, when you do something for 'Amanda' it can open Pandora's Box! I repressed Dani Girl for 43yrs., had quite the male life. Worked construction, hiking, shooting, etc., but she kept leaking out. The older I've gotten the less I tried to plug the leaks. I also build models as a hobby and use nail files to sand with, and it started itching to do nails... Male me said no, NO, but Dani Girl whispered 'Do It', one day I did, and now 2 months later I'm in full transition! So beware, Amanda might want out FAR more than you think or can control. I can never go back to male me ever again! Good Luck on your journey whichever way you go, for it's different for all of us! And keep us informed, we do care!!!
I don't know what to tell my wife at this point. She knows I'm dealing with "gender issues", but I haven't discussed anuy of my six therapy appointments with her. Maybe I should tell her that I'm transgender, and that at this point the goal is to manage symptoms?
Quote from: amandam on August 20, 2017, 06:21:13 PM
... Maybe I should tell her that I'm transgender, and that at this point the goal is to manage symptoms?
Correction You tried for the better part of your life to "Manage the Symptoms" through all the now futile diversions and denial tactics, rather then learning how to manage the GD itself.
That is why I always say I started "Healing myself from the inside". I always was and still am TG. I did the best I knew how to to "manage", otherwise known as bury, my symptoms. For the past 8 years I've been learning and trying various ways to mange my GD and to hopefully keep the 80% or so of the other important aspects of me and my life intact.
I want to be able to convey to her that this is a medical thing and it's all about doing enough to find inner peace to reduce stress. Kinda like a crossdresser who comes out, you don't dress up and walk in on your wife and say "Guess what". I want to term this in the seemingly most intellectual way possible.
Preface this with I don't know your wife or your relationship. Could you approach her as wanting her help dealing with an issue that maybe you could work on together? People many times want there opinion included, want to help with the decision making part of things. Could you make her a part of searching for what will be good for both of you. Tell her this is your reality, facing this thing. It will be better than, "I'm trans, deal with it."
Moni
What might help you most is to step back and take a close, deep look at your own self. How much of you is woman, female. Your therapist has helped, but now only you can know. Look deep and honest and don't worry about managing symptoms. You have to know how close to a full woman you need to live to ever find peace. For some it's nice nails, or dressing at home and it's enough. For others they have to go all the way. You need to know as well as you can how far you need to go to find peace within yourself for you and her. When your ready your self, then show her some of our stories from here, and look on pinterest because there are some very useful things on there to. CIS people do not understand us. When you tell her do it small segments, it's easier to understand that way. Remember their not split like we are, so it is hard for them to understand, and she may not even want to. Unfortunately you'll also have to prepare for if things don't go well with her, and they may not. Plan ahead for both and hope for the best. She may believe she's at fault, or a failure some how. Let her know that she's not! That you really need her help! Hopefully she loves you enough to care enough to weather the storm, because it sounds like the storm is here. Don't rush, take your time and may things workout well for you both!
Wow, this can be tough. Today, "that man" wanted me to trim my nails. He kept telling me stuff like, "It's kinda weird", or, "You look like a guy with girl fingers". Then I look at them, and I just can't, I just can't cut them. They don't even look like girl nails, just slightly long for a guy.
It seems inconceivable at times that anyone would have this sort of debate in their head. I mean, c'mon, who does this? It's almost like a neurosis or something. I wish I could just not care.
I certainly had those thoughts, and I think most do. It's normal, it's a conflict between what your subconscious wants and what your socially aware consciousness thinks it needs to do.
I feel that resolving this conflict and finding acceptance, and even comfort with it is the biggest part of a good transition, and it takes time.
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Quote from: amandam on August 22, 2017, 01:43:45 AM
Wow, this can be tough. Today, "that man" wanted me to trim my nails. He kept telling me stuff like, "It's kinda weird", or, "You look like a guy with girl fingers". Then I look at them, and I just can't, I just can't cut them. They don't even look like girl nails, just slightly long for a guy.
It seems inconceivable at times that anyone would have this sort of debate in their head. I mean, c'mon, who does this? It's almost like a neurosis or something. I wish I could just not care.
The rumblings of a WTF Am I Doing ??? meltdown
Or, as my wife "used" to say... No sane person WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman. I haven't heard that one in a while
Shame & Guilt both sitting on one shoulder screaming into one ear. You true joy whispering into your shell-like other. Which of the two demands the attention? Which of the two gets it?
You don't even have to be hyper masculine to feel frozen, stuck, suppressed, afraid. I think this has been the hardest part of coming out for me-- realizing that I CAN do all of those things that I had wanted to do for so long (i.e. moving closer to Bowie). Certainly there is peer pressure and social pressure, but you get to decide right now what is important to you. Shaking off your past image of yourself means you will be vulnerable, your true likes and dislikes. You don't have to maintain an identity that looks a certain way to outsiders. You don't have to be consistent either. If you wear nail polish one day and work boots the next, you don't have to explain yourself.
But go easy on yourself too. Baby steps. Start small, with things that are comfortable. Try to connect with people you can be yourself with. In the beginning, I found that going to a different city dressed up and meeting people as a transgender woman was far easier than trying to reach out to old friends. This helped me discover myself without the old self-image constantly coming to the forefront.
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I haven't read every response, so I might have missed it if someone already suggested finding a good gender therapist. I love mine, and it helps tremendously. I can't add anything from personal experience, because I've always been a 'girl'. Growing up people just assumed I was a gay guy because of the way I looked, even though I dated girls, played football, baseball and fixed up a 1953 Chevy pickup. What else could a 'girl' do? I've never surpressed my sensitive, creative side, or been able to hide it well. Don't pressure yourself too much and go with whatever you're feeling on a particular day. You don't have to be one way all the time if you don't feel that way. I hope that wasn't preachy sounding.
Miranda is right, baby steps. Listen to her! For me those nails were the latch on Pandora's Box. You'll do them, sooner rather than later. Use clear polish and nobody will notice. But when you do you'll be more afraid of yourself than you've ever been because of what you'll feel. Amanda will feel the happiness of something done just for her, and Amanda is YOU! It's been easier for me than for most of us because I'm like Tommie-9, I've hidden her but I've always been proud to be a girl! There's happiness in Pandora Box, but also a lot of change, fear, and uncertainty. I hate to say, but you are going to have to tell your wife soon. There is going to be pain, and tears, both hers and yours. It's like ripping off a Bandaid, you know it's going to hurt but you have to tear it off.
Well, my nails were getting past my fingertips, so I trimmed them. But, they are stll on the longer side. They can pass for girls or guys nails. I just made sure I shaped them nice. Baby steps.
Baby Steps +1
Quote from: Dani2118 on August 22, 2017, 09:11:25 PM
For me those nails were the latch on Pandora's Box.
Yes. It took me thirty or more years to do my fingers. And it meant the world to me. For some of us, these little moments are huge as we head into them. First pedicure. First shoes. First perfume. But it keeps happening even later down the road of transition. First time wearing a bathing suit. First time on a date. "First" kiss. First time in the dressing room. Etc.
Baby steps. As small as you need them to be.
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YEH!!!! Your journey has begun! Welcome to the sisterhood. You wont believe some of the things you'll do now. Things you've been too afraid to do. Wait until Amanda gets to dress as a woman the first time and go out into a crowd, and you don't die... You'll get a few stares and some funny looks but you'll survive! And then it gets easier and easier until you start to forget your fake manliness. I sure don't miss mine, and I don't have to watch every movement I make lest I appear feminine. I LOVE being feminine, it's ME! And if other people don't like it, tough s@$t! And those nails, they might pass for girls or guys, but you know girl you know!!! Now hit'em with some clear polish! You'll be amazed at how FEW others will notice. MirandaLove I'm so looking forward to those things! Already done some of them! It's truly amazed me how many people have been OK with me.
Hi Dani,
Yup, I've been out in public dressed, but in my 20's. Went out 3 times, walked drove. Yeah, some snickers, but most people were oblivious to me since I passed at a distance.
I'm new to the dressing part. I hid in my man shell for 50yrs., and wish that I hadn't. For the first time I feel free and happy! I used to wish every day was the last but not now! Wish I had transitioned while I still had hair on top. That hair falling out nearly killed me. All I can say is, don't wait to long. You'll be like me and look at 'what could have been' and see that it would have been nice. I care because you sound like me, your girl is always there tapping you on the shoulder saying 'please let me out'. Don't make my mistake of letting fear of the unknown keep her locked up. When the time comes and you tell your wife, tell her about going out dressed and how it felt right. Good luck with her, mine's been OK with me but she doesn't want to give up her 'husband'. But 'he's' gone already!
Quote from: amandam on August 12, 2017, 12:28:49 PM
So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?
I find myself in the opposite position - this condition robbed me of being able to build a life at all. Or a proper identity. Unlike some trans people, I didn't attempt to lose myself in my birth gender and hope the trans went away, nor was I able to ignore it enough to marry and have kids... I succeeded in building a high wall around myself and living an isolated rudimentary life without much in the way of social pleasure. The identity I did create is certainly strong but it doesn't feel very human. I look at other people and they appear to be on another planet to me half the time. Realizing how much I differ from them and their experience hasn't been fun over the last two or three years.
Now I know proper normality is actually out of my reach, I think I'm beyond the age at which old dogs learn new tricks. Which is somewhat depressing. I don't think I'm going to build any new persona, or gain any new identity, it will just be a case of adjusting to a new sort of body. I'd rather be in your position with a new identity to build and look forward to. But anyway, advice: I'd start by looking at the sort of people and character you admire and try to incorporate that into yourself. It's entirely possible, and it doesn't take that long.
Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post on this thread. I guess I'm moving more androgynous as a first step.
I've done micro-needling on a couple of scars for 4 weeks now (once a week). I've also used the Tria twice (once a week). I will use the Tria until the hair is gone from my hands, feet, and chest. I'm also working on my armpits but only partially to reduce the "size" of the area covered by hair. Ya, I know hrt will reduce or eliminate a lot of body hair, but haven't decided on that yet. I zapped a couple of spots on my beard just to see what it felt like. Toying with the idea of zapping whiskers. Perhaps start with part of the neck. My biggest problem is keeping my fingers shaved so no one really notices short little dark hairs sticking up.
My nails are still longer than I used to keep them, and I try to shape them nice. No polish. I am not freaking out over them so much now. I bought a ladies' watch that also mostly passes for men's, my wife helped me pick it out. Still kinda feel self-conscious while wearing it. An intuitive woman could probably tell it's a ladies' watch. I'm thinking of buying a unisex watch so mentally I'm still okay with getting rid of my big, manly watch.
At certain times, I get tired of thinking about this. And I even think of doing something the guy in me wants to do like working on cars.
Still, in my heart of hearts, I never stop wanting to be "that girl" at college, in the book store, on the street. The girl I see, who I desire to be. Ok, the following is non-sexual so don't take it wrong. :) I can lay still, on my bed, dressed with a wig on, and pretend I'm her, a real girl, someone I've seen. I can feel my soft, flowing hair. I can feel my curves against the bed as I move ever so slowly. I am there, then I am on the beach, then I am at the mall. I have girlfriends and sisters, we have fun. I feel gentle, and soft, and graceful with my female body. I am her. I feel the total essence of womanhood. I am in a dream from which I do not wish to wake. My God, I have to be her. I am vexed. I am cursed. Yet, I cannot stop this feeling nor do I want to. And another day passes.
The wife is almost out of the shower, Game of Thrones is calling. And it's full of women who vex my soul. Perhaps, the more feminine I get, the better I will feel, and the strain of the dream will lessen. One can hope.
Soon Amanda you must begin living that dream.
Hugs,
Laurie
Is the dream false? Is it an idol I have built up over time? I feel like I sometimes worship women. Like I'm not really one, just a guy with some sort of twisted view of what it means to be one. It's like my male and female parts have fought so long against each other, that they could not be farther apart. It's like Conan the Barbarian sharing a body with Miss America, pushing against each other. One grows more masculine, one grows more feminine as they fight. I joke to my wife that if I could just meld myself, I'd be Rod Stewart. LOL.
Quote from: amandam on September 13, 2017, 01:08:36 AM
Is the dream false? Is it an idol I have built up over time? I feel like I sometimes worship women. Like I'm not really one, just a guy with some sort of twisted view of what it means to be one. It's like my male and female parts have fought so long against each other, that they could not be farther apart. It's like Conan the Barbarian sharing a body with Miss America, pushing against each other. One grows more masculine, one grows more feminine as they fight. I joke to my wife that if I could just meld myself, I'd be Rod Stewart. LOL.
You sound unsure about your identity. Are you exploring it with a gender therapist yet and if you are what do they say? I'm sorry if you've covered this already. But it does sound like you should be talking to someone.
Rod Stewart huh? That bad? I just kidding, Jess. It could be worse you could have said David Bowie
Hugs,
Laure
I had those six therapy sessions. She hooked me up with a long term therapist but I dont see her until Oct. 30th. I am transgender n show traits of both "transsexuals" and "->-bleeped-<-s", so to speak.
Hey amandam I know exactly how you feel have been into bodybuilding then just weights for 28 years, worked on the door of a night club for 10 years, then worked offshore. Then after a few friends passed away in a short space of time either through health or suicide something inside snapped and I realised I can either die unhappy or at least try. Forward 2 years have lost most of the muscle, first appointment to gender clinic next month and today I signed up to a part time makeup and beauty course. Have to say I have always felt angry inside but these past 2 years working towards something I have never felt happier. If you don't try then you will fail, but if you try and find a happier balance somewhere along the path then that has to be a good thing surely.
I understand the anger thing. Been angry a lot. Not so much any more, bur I am real tense lately.
Had an interesting thought tonight. I found that lots of little things I did were to be more masculine. Become more of a tough guy. It's not just that I have to find ways to let more femininity into my life, I also have to bit-by-bit remove the machismo!
My male self is not John Wayne. I can NEVER be him, the uber man. I'm more of the Frank Dillane type. It's like I had dual fantasies going on. My fem self adores beautiful women, she wishes endlessly to be one. The male self, in fear of her feelings, wishes to be the Duke. Both sides fighting for survival using their most potent weapons. The uber man and the uber woman.
Such a sad state of affairs!
My inner battle, or journey, is not to discover who wins by shear force of will. My journey should be to find happiness within myself as my real male self, Frank Dillane, or his female version, or a combination of both. So, part of my task is to lessen the macho markers as well as allow some femininity. I know the male self will merge toward the female self. I don't know if she'll budge or hold fast.
I know a woman that does all the repairs on there car and pickup! She does the home repairs too!
I'm slowly transitioning! I'm not giving up on working with wood and steel! Most of my wardrobe is Fem now! Boy shirts! I weigh about 145! I love seven for humanity jeans 7-8 rise and wear them proudly! I go to goodwill about once a month to buy a few female tops. I'm going tomorrow to try and find a maxi skirt! Im collecting a quite a few shoes [emoji151]. I'm 5'10" so heals I stop at 2 inch! Mostly flats! I wear flip flops most of the time! I blend my own finger nail polish, light pink with a little flake in clear! I don't feel like I want to be overt just the woman I am inside! Being 61 I feel good where I am at right now! The war that raged for 50 years has calm down to the point I'm comfortable with my self! My B breasts are not easy to hide!
Live long and choose to be happy![emoji68]🏼[emoji161]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: gv2002 on September 15, 2017, 07:03:44 AM
I know a woman that does all the repairs on there car and pickup! She does the home repairs too!
I would fit into that category. Here is me a couple of days ago, digging a trench for a new electrical service to the barn. What you can't see in the photo are my pink plaid Daisy Duke shorts! :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dulcemelos.ca%2Fpersonal%2FP1130352-1000px.JPG&hash=3823b4ccaf5e6d76aaa832a6f6cf2927e88016a1)
Well, I've just begun the battle. Both of you are farther along than I am. Maybe I'll get where you are mentally before long. 😀
Hi Amanda,
I was going to say 'I know how you feel' but actually you're the only one who knows how you feel. I've been down the nails route, expecting the 'gender police' to arrest me at any moment. But after a few comments, they move on. I've also been down the hair removal route, expecting everyone to point at me. But they didn't. Now I'm growing my hair, expecting the same reactions. I've had a few but nothing fatal.
I've also done the male thing. I took up model railways (railroads) because, well, I like model railways, but also because it was a nice safe male hobby. And I follow the football (soccer) results, not that I like the sport but because all the men I know talk about it. I've spent a lifetime trying to blend in.
As for me now, I've moved on from 'wanting to be a girl' to 'wanting to be me', which happens to be female. There is a difference, I think. It helped greatly when I came out to a few close people, including my sister and my daughter. I find that I now act differently with them. I can be me with them.
But like you, my wife is a different matter. I tell myself that I am waiting for the right moment. But that may be a long way off.
So don't give up, you have many friends here willing you to do well!
God bless,
Jayne.
Some days, I wish to be a girl so bad, it's like an anxiety-fueled obsession. Other days, I still "would like to" be a girl, but don't stress about it and go about my life. Why is that?
We have a CIS woman in the complex who runs a truck trailer repair operation. Her husband separated from her so she had several children to raise. The pay for a woman wasn't sufficient so she took a job supporting a tunnel boring machine. After that, she worked on a road crew as a flag woman but the boss allowed her to learn to work the construction equipment. Now when she wants to have a little fun, she will borrow our backhoe to level out her lot. You see her driving away with a simile on her face. The only restrictions in life are the ones you make. Some things may be a bit more difficult to accomplish, but desire will go a long way in overcoming limitations.
Quote from: amandam on September 16, 2017, 12:12:22 PM
Some days, I wish to be a girl so bad, it's like an anxiety-fueled obsession. Other days, I still "would like to" be a girl, but don't stress about it and go about my life. Why is that?
There is a name for it.... Gender Dysphoria
It is what it is. What you are going through is not at all uncommon. I tend to think of more in terms of "The Good Days" vs the "Bad Days". The Bad Days are the ones where the anxiety, obsession, deep feelings of a NEED to Transition overtake me. It leads to depression, tears, too much drinking, too much food, too much self loathing as in just plain hating myself for being trans.
The "Good Days"? I still cannot think of myself as anything but a woman since that is what I am. Living as the totally authentic Me is where my true joy lies. In male mode I only see Joanne smiling back at me. I Want to transition, but..... Balance. It didn't come easy when I was learning to walk. I may be past those "Baby-Step" days, yet I am still taking baby-steps. Still working at balancing all sorts of conflicting needs and wants. Not only mine, but also my wife's and "The Us". Oh... Lots of Fun ::) As you are learning
I guess I said the same thing in two different threads. :-\
Guess I should stick to one thread.
It is hard to weave the fabric of life with just one thread.
Wise old Bayonne saying ;D
Welp, I'm still here! And I still want to be a girl! :D
I know exactly how this feels. I don't want to give my wife up.
But I'm struggling so badly with surpressing my female gender.
I get these sudden powerful anxiety attacks.
Im in work now, close to tears. The tension in my lower back, the sick butterflies in my stomach.
All triggered by a photograph of a woman in a dress in the newspaper..a dress that I thought looked lovely.
Its crazy.
I think if we make ourselves look better, we will feel better inside. I stopped lifting weights because the bigger I got, the more unhappy I became. Now, that I:m letting my nails grow n doing hair removal, I am sleeping better.
I know those GD Triggering moments all too well when you see a woman somewhere and think "That is a great look. I wonder..." Before you know it it is nearly impossible to hold back the tears. All the worse for me since there was a time not too long ago I was out and about being one of those women, or free to experiment. The intensity increases tenfold with just a small increase in the GD overall.
For the past few weeks I've taken to presenting female every day at home. Outside is still VERBOTEN in accordance with the House Rules. Down side was the return of the Sunday evening deep depression, this time triggered by taking off my earrings. Overall, the GD and "Bad Days" have been fewer. Even got a couple of compliments from my wife... after about a week
It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't all day, every day. I have to immerse myself in something just to stop thinking about it. It can't be TV or anything with women. Fighting an obsession with other obsessions. :-\
Here's something interesting. I know this bi guy. He's hinted around trying to see if I'm interested. I know he suspects something is different about me. Perhaps, he thinks he can "turn" me. I know he also likes trans and crossdressers. When I joked about, he seemed quite receptive, which I ignored. We've known each other a long time. He also hints about moving back home to Oregon and tells me stuff like he thinks I would enjoy it there. Even when we joked about ->-bleeped-<-s, he alluded he wouldn't mind a "trans" wife. I just laughed at him (protection).
I'm like OMG. That hits a little close to home. Somehow, the idea has an attraction to me. Being a wife. Being female 24/7. I actually think he'd marry me as a woman! Don't think my wife would like that. :) . It's kinda scary that this thought is attractive to me. I do fantasize about being a woman during sex. So, actually transitioning and having sex as a wife isn't a stretch.
Not sure how to handle this feeling except to put it out of my mind. It's kinda scary.
Quote from: amandam on October 14, 2017, 12:32:28 PM
Not sure how to handle this feeling except to put it out of my mind. It's kinda scary.
One of my favorite techniques ;D The try to part that is.
Quote from: JayneAlison on September 15, 2017, 11:15:08 AM
As for me now, I've moved on from 'wanting to be a girl' to 'wanting to be me', which happens to be female. There is a difference, I think.
Yes, that would be key. I spend so much time wanting to be this girl, or that girl, and I keep looking, and wishing. Yet, I am never going to be the girls I see. That's a malfunction right there. I think I have to be like you. I need to want to be me, even if it's a female me. I have to find a way to not focus on the women I see. That would go a long way toward my internal happiness.
Well, I saw the new therapist today. She was a bit perplexed that I came in cause she thought there was a "plan" I and the other therapist had laid out. Working on anxiety-reduction, incorporating more femme things, letting go of masculine things, seeing how I'm feeling, etc. I was perplexed because I thought that this would be a continuation of the previous therapy. Anyway, we kinda worked that out. She only has openings every six weeks or so, and they'll call me for another appt. in January.
After some questions and answers, I asked her if she had any feeling on whether I was transsexual or not. She wouldn't directly answer but said I say many of the things her transsexual clients say. She also said that doesn't mean I have to or need to transition. It all just depends. She agreed with the other therapist that I should continue on the road, keep adding things, see where I end up. Sounds like Kaiser takes a conservative approach. She asked me if I wanted to transition. I said I didn't know for sure, but the idea is definitely attractive. I told her I definitely want to be a woman (in my mind), but don't know about going through a transition process. Told her the usual roadblocks I have discussed here.
She also said Kaiser does not really do low-dose hrt, even to potentially alleviate anxiety. She said that Kaiser will pay for hrt as a part of someone's transition. I heard that also about electrolysis. Kaiser will give it to someone in transition but not otherwise. I guess I could lie to get hrt, but with a full dose, and my family's women being overly endowed, I could quickly find myself with a dilemma.
So, with my current insurance, it's kinda like I have to decide to transition if I want more than therapy. Not sure I can make the call. I was hoping I could add more femininity. And if that isn't enough, try a low dose of hormones. And if that isn't enough, electrolysis, finally, SRS if needed. Kinda ruins my plan.
I'm not ready to make a full commitment to transition. Not sure if it's right for me. I don't want to "try it". That doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I keep getting these all or nothing propositions in life.
Not sure how to deal with this new info.
Trust, But Verify
She isn't the doctor. Yes, the endo at Kaiser may "typically" only do transitioning HRT, since that is what 99% of why people are there. Plus, it is not like you are tied to a bed and getting shot up or force fed pills. Even if they "think" you are on the transitioning path, you have the power to take 1/2 the pill, or shot or less. Next month, they tell you take more, write a script for more, you do the same. Monitor your test results, be aware of YOUR body, YOUR NEEDS. Adjust A/R. Three-Six or moths more later, when pressed, you come clean. Will they cut you loose? I think not. If they do? You have a 3-6 month "reserve" to find a doc nearby to do "Informed Consent"
Oh - Full Disclosure..... I am Born & Bred in NJ in a county where it it is especially true "It is Only Illegal if you get caught". Your Life. Your Body..... Your Soul. I am more then willing to do what I need to survive, as well as to protect my loved ones.
I do not see why why if you want to try low dose HRT, which is part of the WPATH SOC, Kaiser, with their basically FANTASTIC, TG Outreach, would not support that alternative path for someone who wants to manage their particular flavor of GD.
All the therapist is there for is to give you the CYA letter. Assuming Kaiser even wants that just to see you.
At the end of the day.... It is Your Body. Exercise your innate power. Do Not Settle. Do Not Resign YOUR FAITH to others hands
They have that gender orientation where you can find out about all of their TG services. Maybe I should go to that. They also have a group for transitioners, but I'm not there yet.
I wasn't sure I needed or even wanted to transition, but I tried out HRT to see what it would feel like. I said as much to my doctor, and she prescribed it for me. I didn't know dosages, but after being on it, I later found out it was a full transition dosage. :)
You can try HRT for about a month before any physical changes. You won't really see any breast growth until the second month, even with a 'full' dosage. If you've been questioning for this long, it's probably worth it to try HRT to see how it makes you feel. As I said, there won't be any physical changes for the first month, but by then you will almost certainly notice any mental and emotional changes.
I still haven't been able to decouple the fetish part completely. It's still there. Even when I first dress up, I notice, um, er, a little bit of sexual response, I don't stay completely dry down there. Then I settle down, surf the web, etc. I also "want to" indulge the fetish part before I change clothes back to drab. This has me worried. I may not actually be trans, but I may just think I am, or I've built up this fantasy that can never be.
It also concerns me that only the cute girls make me jealous. It's always the girls in magazines, television, the mall. It's never the frumpy, older, thicker, normal middle-aged women. I've never been jealous of them. When I want to be a woman, it's always the cute ones. When I ask if I could change myself into a woman with transition, I always pause, it's always "what will the finished product be like?".
I'm serious, this really concerns me. I'm trying to lose weight, stop lifting, use my Tria 4x on hands and feet, and accept myself as less than John Wayne. It may be possible, once I am more like Johnny Depp or Frank Dillane, that thoughts of transition may fade. I am more like them physically. I wonder if my mental push toward total macho-ness was not just a fight against femininity, but also a fight to make myself like my dad and older brother, both very macho and virile. Maybe it is some sort of self-esteem problem, and once I deal with that, the desire to transition will lessen and I'll be more of a crossdresser.
Things to ponder. Anyway, feel free to comment on this newest pet theory of mine.
P.S. The hair on my toes seems to be completely gone now. Haven't seen any growth in the last two months.
I don't have any feedback on your latest theory, but I do think it's a little crazy how we are in similar spots/thoughts. When you get it all figured out can you pm me please with the magic solution?
I'm hung up on "what am I". I think deep deep down, I'm a transwoman, but that's really hard for me to accept. The implications of accepting it are almost overwhelming. It's almost easier to sell myself on a non-binary or androgenous identity where I could present mostly female, but would have the safety net of possible guy mode. Hedging my bets I guess. Less impact on the people I care about. Could be part time, or out compartmentally. Maybe I'm anchored to the guy role I played so long, and I keep hoping I can forget about the trans stuff, because life would be much simpler, and when those TS thoughts crept in over the years, and deep
down I wanted to, the transphobia and other fears kicked in hard. But that little voice keeps whispering "transition". Sigh.
I think I'm going to continue exploring on a slow time table, with the idea the train may come to a station where I'm at peace stopping. I'm working on breaking down the 40 years of neurotic paranoia that if i talked with my hands, or let my wrist be limp, or let my voice naturally be higher or have a more stereotypical female inflection, everyone will know I wanted to be a girl and was a crossdresser. The problem is that I consciously suppressed it for so long, it moved to the subconscious and muscle memory.
Once i started shaving my body hair, there was no going back. I really dislike seeing it in the mirror now. And I'm starting laser on my face at the end of the month. So we shall see.
Quote from: amandam on November 04, 2017, 10:34:01 PM
I still haven't been able to decouple the fetish part completely. It's still there. Even when I first dress up, I notice, um, er, a little bit of sexual response, I don't stay completely dry down there. Then I settle down, surf the web, etc. I also "want to" indulge the fetish part before I change clothes back to drab. This has me worried. I may not actually be trans, but I may just think I am, or I've built up this fantasy that can never be.
It also concerns me that only the cute girls make me jealous. It's always the girls in magazines, television, the mall. It's never the frumpy, older, thicker, normal middle-aged women. I've never been jealous of them. When I want to be a woman, it's always the cute ones. When I ask if I could change myself into a woman with transition, I always pause, it's always "what will the finished product be like?".
Your concerns are valid,
especially if they are bothering you. For what it's worth, I did not share these concerns when I was questioning myself. Maybe there is a part of you that is warning you not to transition. Then again maybe you're just different and all this is just you trying to deny who you are as a woman. No one can say for sure except for you.
I stand by my previous suggestion that you can try HRT without any permanent physical change. If you find that it doesn't work for you, it's ok to admit that and accept who you are and not transition. Or if you find that HRT is indeed better for you, then that's ok too. I think the worst thing you can do is talk yourself into circles and take no action whatsoever. HRT is almost certainly not permanent, even at a 'full' dosage, if you only take it for a month. Try it and see how you feel.
You might be right. Somehow I may be trying to justify not being trans. Maybe I'm creating a self-justification to back off. Like some people who can talk themselves in or out of anything. We can call this pet theory number n+2.
With Kaiser, I think I have to tell them I want to transition to get HRT and get my therapist's recommendation. Then I have to go to the gender orientation. Then see an endocrinologist. I wish they could just give me a prescription and tell me to come back 30 days. If my head's clear, then I stay on HRT, if not, stop. Yeah, too simple. I know.
Yeah, a justification. I said, "frumpy, older, thicker, normal middle-aged women". Not all middle-aged women are like that. I know plenty who've I've been jealous of. Even one older lady I worked with. I thought it must be nice to be her. Yeah, maybe I was freakin' out a bit.
<contemplative thinking> Yeah, I could be a woman. I could even transition under the right circumstances. Don't know if that is in the cards for me. All of my stars would have to align for that to happen.
Back to square one. Back on task. Lose weight, Tria 4x, nails are shorter but nice, try to relax and give it time.
You don't have to use Kaiser to try low dose hrt. You can go to the LGBT center and see their doc under informed consent, and I'm sure there others in socal.
Quote from: Another Nikki on November 05, 2017, 05:27:13 AM
You don't have to use Kaiser to try low dose hrt. You can go to the LGBT center and see their doc under informed consent, and I'm sure there others in socal.
Wow, didn't know that. I had to look up the definition. Thanks!
Quote from: echo7 on November 05, 2017, 01:26:40 AM
Your concerns are valid, especially if they are bothering you. For what it's worth, I did not share these concerns when I was questioning myself. Maybe there is a part of you that is warning you not to transition. Then again maybe you're just different and all this is just you trying to deny who you are as a woman. No one can say for sure except for you.
I stand by my previous suggestion that you can try HRT without any permanent physical change. If you find that it doesn't work for you, it's ok to admit that and accept who you are and not transition. Or if you find that HRT is indeed better for you, then that's ok too. I think the worst thing you can do is talk yourself into circles and take no action whatsoever. HRT is almost certainly not permanent, even at a 'full' dosage, if you only take it for a month. Try it and see how you feel.
I sort of had this in mind when I started HRT, but once I got going I just couldn't stop. I had a kind of estrogen euphoria for the first few months and I guess I was strangely "addicted" to that sensation. Am no longer addicted but I stayed on it long enough (now over 18 months) to have some pretty profound changes that are now permanent. I am not sure how a month's trial could be done in my case. How does that work exactly? What can you learn from just a month's test?.....
Had another dream. This was me as a woman, doing various things. I've had three dreams now, but a different woman each time. Once, I was an older woman, once I was a teen girl, and recently, a woman in her 30's. They weren't the same woman at different ages, they were completely different women. In the two women's dreams, I was happy. In the teen dream, it was so quick, I couldn't tell. It was more of a face shot. If I was born female, this teen would have been very close to what I would look like in real life. I don't understand these dreams.
Still doing the Tria. It looks like it's having some effect. Hair getting thinner and slower growing. Started with the first setting, now on 2. Getting ready to go to 3. It hurts, so I take Advil about an hour ahead of time.
I keep asking myself questions to try to pin-point myself on the spectrum. A recent question I'm trying to ask is, if I see a really beautiful woman, do I want to be her or have sex with her. Usually, the answer is be her. But, many times it's desire her sexually while I'm a man. I'm trying to nail this down. How much of a man am I? Is my sexual desire for her just because I'm in a man's body with male sexual urges? Or is it the core of my being?
Could I transition if I was beautiful like her, yes. If not, I don't know. Should I remain a man? I don't know. Do I like being a man? Meh. Sometimes. Rather be a woman multiple times throughout the day.
This circling of desires never seems to end.
I get it. Or rather once again we are in very similar spaces. I told my therapist last week that I was struggling with the idea or doubt I could be stuck in fantasy land, and for some reason I'm imagining this to be some kind of gender identity issue. Her response was clearly I have gender dysphoria, have had gender questions for 40 years or more (started cd'ing at 5) and it typically progresses and does not go away. And so the goal is to reduce or eliminate the dysphoria, in whatever way works for you, but in her experience that often means hrt + feminine gender expression.
My rough plan at this point is get rid of the facial hair. It really bothers me. I joined a support group and started going to events. I'm going out to dinner next week en femme, amongst the muggles with a trans friend. I'm working on losing weight. Maybe that will be enough and I can be occasional part time.
If not, the next step is low dose hrt. I'm really curious about the diagnostic modality. If I hate it, maybe that means I'm not so trans after all and I can CD and be free. I'm worried that I'll love it, all bets will be off and I'll need to up it to transition dosage. I'm actually completely terrified of that. But I'm also very worried about not trying it, being kinda miserable, and asking myself 10 years later when my kids are gone wtf i did wasting ten years of my life?
I've also concluded I've been a coward. I was a coward for not facing it when deep deep down I knew there was something there more than a kink 25 years ago. And so in a year if the dysphoria is still there, and I feel the need to try hrt, and I don't, then once again, I will be a coward.
I am NOT calling you or anyone else a coward. I'm only speaking for myself; everyone's needs and paths are different.
You're not a coward, many of us spent years unwilling or unable to face this.
You did it when you were ready to do it, it's that simple. [emoji4]
Regarding HRT as a diagnostic, I tried an 8-week low dose trial before going full-time. The effect to me was a subtle but noticeable reduction in GD, but the real key was the negative impact of stopping. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I admit I'm a coward. If it wasn't for my wife, my kids, my job, my relatives, my friends, etc. I would go on hrt. For diagnostic purposes firstly. I'm still afraid of finding out I may want full transition. Part of me does. I try to ignore that part of me.
Same old thing as others have found, you can turn your life upside down on a suspicion of needing transition. I'm going slow and taking baby steps. I must be sure. I don't want to upset my current world, just in case it's what my life is supposed to be. Disrupt everything to in the end find out you were wrong? Nope. Won't do it. I'll stick my toes in the water. If it feels good, I'll stick my ankle in...
Quote from: amandam on November 17, 2017, 10:22:28 PM
I keep asking myself questions to try to pin-point myself on the spectrum. A recent question I'm trying to ask is, if I see a really beautiful woman, do I want to be her or have sex with her. Usually, the answer is be her. But, many times it's desire her sexually while I'm a man. I'm trying to nail this down. How much of a man am I? Is my sexual desire for her just because I'm in a man's body with male sexual urges? Or is it the core of my being?
Both... kinda sortof. A lot of women are sexual attracted to women, or so I hear ;D Now, think back to younger days, hanging around a bunch of guys and listening to them "express" their desires for some woman/girl and what they would do to/with her. Was it anything remotely like your own? Even when you had raging teenager hormones? How much of the desire for her is still a reflexive response, perhaps born out of the shame & guilt of being trans? Is there the "I'll do her in an instant" desire or "OMG she is sexy"?
QuoteCould I transition if I was beautiful like her, yes. If not, I don't know. Should I remain a man? I don't know. Do I like being a man? Meh. Sometimes. Rather be a woman multiple times throughout the day.
Need vs Want...
For many of those that do transition socially & medically, it often was the only viable option left. Unknowns are scary, especially when you have spent a few decades working at making some sort of a comfortable life for yourself. Like the word, or not, you are transitioning. You recognized that SOMETHING needs to change, and are actually doing/experimenting/discovering, what you can do to restrike a balance between the female aspect of yourself, the male aspect, as well as all the other aspects of your life which are equally, if not more, important as the gender stuff.
The dreams of being all different types of women is an expression of that path of discovery you are on. You don't know who or what you are. After 8 years of trying to crack the same nut I am not much better off then a toothless squirrel working on a coconut. I've been various types of women as well as out and open trans-women in my dreams. My wife is sometimes in them, other times various male love interests. It is all very confusing.
In a perfect world, I know where my true joy lies. Alas, I am as imperfect as the world is.
Joanne,
Your reply was eloquent, emblematic of why I love this site.
Steph
Took me an hour to write responses. Lots of thinking.
Quote from: JoanneB on November 18, 2017, 07:44:18 AM
Now, think back to younger days, hanging around a bunch of guys and listening to them "express" their desires for some woman/girl and what they would do to/with her. Was it anything remotely like your own? Even when you had raging teenager hormones? How much of the desire for her is still a reflexive response, perhaps born out of the shame & guilt of being trans? Is there the "I'll do her in an instant" desire or "OMG she is sexy"?
I very much admired women, even when young. When I hit puberty the sexual desire started in force. I became a "player" for awhile. I wanted them sexually but also envied them. I think the sexual desire trumped the envy at first. The envy grew as I grew older and is stronger now. I still don't envy women I don't feel are attractive. But, my envy has extended to some older women, not just the young chicks. There is a pattern of change here. The driving force went from admiration, to sexual desire over envy, to envy over sexual desire. It coincided with puberty. What does this mean? I don't know.
Quote from: JoanneB on November 18, 2017, 07:44:18 AM
Like the word, or not, you are transitioning. You recognized that SOMETHING needs to change, and are actually doing/experimenting/discovering, what you can do to restrike a balance between the female aspect of yourself, the male aspect, as well as all the other aspects of your life which are equally, if not more, important as the gender stuff.
Ok, you scared me, I could feel it in my spine. I guess I am in transition. At least partial transition. My big thing right now is hair removal with my Tria. I am also working on accepting myself as I am currently, "I am like Frank Dillane, I am not John Wayne. There is nothing wrong with Frank, and nothing wrong with me". Stuff like that. I am also intent on thinning out like Frank, no more extra muscle or fat. I guess I am going beyond Frank Dillane, moving into David Bowie territory.
Quote from: JoanneB on November 18, 2017, 07:44:18 AM
The dreams of being all different types of women is an expression of that path of discovery you are on. You don't know who or what you are. I've been various types of women as well as out and open trans-women in my dreams.
Hmmm, I had a couple of trans dreams too. I was an obvious crossdressed individual, maybe trans, but they were dreams like everybody knew and I felt scared. I didn't look like me in those dreams either, I was someone else.
Quote from: Steph Eigen on November 18, 2017, 08:44:38 AM
Joanne,
Your reply was eloquent, emblematic of why I love this site.
Steph
Thank you Steph. This site and maybe(?) helping others wrestling with the same issues I am is what is keeping me from running head long into that "Jersey Divider" at some 90+ MPH vaporizing myself and the car on that stretch of interstate I have staked out.
Oh yeah, I also get to express my non-engineering, "Master of the Electron", it must be totally logical and "Spok-ien", spiritual/artistic/human half of me.
Quote from: amandam on November 18, 2017, 11:57:44 AMThe driving force went from admiration, to sexual desire over envy, to envy over sexual desire. It coincided with puberty. What does this mean? I don't know.
In light of the hindsight I have after investing a LOT of time sorting through all the trash in my head, I cannot honestly say today, that I ever had a true "Sexual Desire" for other women. It was envy, "Living up to expectations", and hormones. Which is why I asked compared to guys you hung with.
QuoteOk, you scared me, I could feel it in my spine. I guess I am in transition. At least partial transition.
My exact intent.
I view "Transition" exactly as the dictionary does, "To Change". I spent a good 50 years expending a TON of energy, being a human wrecking ball to others that I loved, in fighting the GD. As they say in AA, I needed to hit "Rock Bottom" and I did with Everything that I used to define me as Me, along with all my crutches, the Diversions, Distractions, and Deniability, ripped away from me. I was left with too much "Quality Time" with myself and my.... thoughts. Something needed to "Change".
A good 90% of the changes I made have been internal. How I think of myself. How I now see the world and me in it. Loosing (most of) the Shame & Guilt about being trans that ruled every aspect of my life. I tried, and succeeded in some ways, to discover who and what I am. The more I learn, the more I know I need to learn. But, is or was it worth it?
My trial (by fire) is far from ending. At least on most days I feel that there is still "some" hope to keep on struggling, rather then just give in to the "Dark Side". I believe, as messed up as my life is is today, it is far better then it would be if I didn't take on the Trans-Beast.
I think I sexually desired women as any man. I am, or at least was, highly sexed. I don't want to seem a braggart, but I could have sex for a long time back then, as long as needed until she had her fill and we were a mass of hot, sweaty flesh. I have good control over my male orgasm. I tried to emulate a key idea from I think Don Juan. Never leave a woman unsatisfied. And the sex for me was very good. Very enjoyable. Maybe it means I'm mostly a guy with gender issues. Maybe it means I tried overly hard to "prove" I was a man and women would validate me if I could perform better than my peers. Maybe I was trans-phobic enough, or even gay/bi phobic so much, that I overcompensated, "proving" I was a virile straight male. Things to ponder.
Quote from: amandam on November 19, 2017, 12:44:31 AM
I think I sexually desired women as any man. I am, or at least was, highly sexed. I don't want to seem a braggart, but I could have sex for a long time back then, as long as needed until she had her fill and we were a mass of hot, sweaty flesh. I have good control over my male orgasm. I tried to emulate a key idea from I think Don Juan. Never leave a woman unsatisfied. And the sex for me was very good. Very enjoyable. Maybe it means I'm mostly a guy with gender issues. Maybe it means I tried overly hard to "prove" I was a man and women would validate me if I could perform better than my peers. Maybe I was trans-phobic enough, or even gay/bi phobic so much, that I overcompensated, "proving" I was a virile straight male. Things to ponder.
thank you for your post and sharing all this. I am married and in the last few weeks i have had a storm break loose in my mind. I can't figure out what caused it or where it started or why it started. all I know is that I have struggled now with gender identity. I can relate directly with almost everything you posted. is this place of limbo or you realize that everything you thought maybe is wrong or maybe you're just crazy. I found this forum in other web pages and I'm spent hours and hours now reading trying to clear things out in my mind. it's comforting to know that I'm not alone and feeling these things and worrying about these things.
I did tell my wife pretty quickly after I started feeling these things. she's the only person I have to talk to and so we spent hours sitting in visiting about it. she says that she's perfectly okay with it and that you have to do what you have to do. she's willing to stay with me even through any kind of a transition. I don't know if that makes things better or if it just makes things more scary. knowing that I could do it and not lose my immediate family is a relief but it also enables me to think more wildly about it than I ever have. I just wanted to share a little bit of my information my story and express how much I can relate.
Thanks, Marcus. It's so funny. We try to so macho. We try to be green berets, bikers, body builders, MMA fighters, world's greatest lovers. And we still don't really know why. it could be cause we don't like "liking" femininity, or it could be because we really are women. It's one convoluted mess.
Hi Marcus,
Welcome!
That moment when our real self can scream loud enough 'let me out' for us to hear is scary and we've all had it.
You're going to need help sorting through the baggage, and that's where a therapist comes in - a very worthwhile investment in you if nothing else. How this journey evolves, is entirely up to you but you have the support of all of us here, however you decide to proceed.
I'm sure a mod will be along soon with a list of links etc, but have a (hug), you're not alone.
Rowan
Hi Marcus.
I'm Laurie. I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around. Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the
Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Thread and create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.
Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
Laurie
Global Moderator
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I'm wondering if I should delay therapy with the new long-term therapist. We've had one meeting and she was a bit perplexed on why I came in because me and my previous therapist made a plan: incorporate more femininity slowly and see how I feel. That would be a long-term process of discovery. It seems like the therapy is not of much use at the present time. I could go in multiple times in a year, did you grow your nails, yup, did you shave your pits, yup. Kinda boring conversations to have with a therapist.
Perhaps, I should just spend time in self-discovery and delay therapy for awhile. Maybe pick it up later if I continue toward a likely transition. I'm just not seeing how I can get more value at this point since my first six-session therapist helped me immensely and helped me discover what I needed to know about myself. That I'm transgender, I accept it, and the journey begins.
The goals I set out will also take a long time. One goal is to lose weight since the muscle mass and spare tire mark me as a man. Well, I'm not losing weight. I think I need to get a handle on this goal before I go to a therapist. I take care of my nails now, don't beat myself up over being trans, realize I can be Frank Dillane and not John Wayne as a male. I mean, that's progress? I'm using my Tria and will continue to do so.
I feel like if I go to a therapist now, it's just kinda like being monitored as I journey, not seeing how I can add value to the valuable knowledge I already have. What do you think? Wait a year?
Quote from: amandam on November 24, 2017, 12:45:42 PM
I'm wondering if I should delay therapy with the new long-term therapist. We've had one meeting and she was a bit perplexed on why I came in because me and my previous therapist made a plan: incorporate more femininity slowly and see how I feel. That would be a long-term process of discovery. It seems like the therapy is not of much use at the present time. I could go in multiple times in a year, did you grow your nails, yup, did you shave your pits, yup. Kinda boring conversations to have with a therapist.
Perhaps, I should just spend time in self-discovery and delay therapy for awhile. Maybe pick it up later if I continue toward a likely transition. I'm just not seeing how I can get more value at this point since my first six-session therapist helped me immensely and helped me discover what I needed to know about myself. That I'm transgender, I accept it, and the journey begins.
The goals I set out will also take a long time. One goal is to lose weight since the muscle mass and spare tire mark me as a man. Well, I'm not losing weight. I think I need to get a handle on this goal before I go to a therapist. I take care of my nails now, don't beat myself up over being trans, realize I can be Frank Dillane and not John Wayne as a male. I mean, that's progress? I'm using my Tria and will continue to do so.
I feel like if I go to a therapist now, it's just kinda like being monitored as I journey, not seeing how I can add value to the valuable knowledge I already have. What do you think? Wait a year?
Hmm, i like this vlog. When you talk about lose weight, you mean exercise right? Nice to see your plans for the future.
If there is not much going on for you trans-wise at the moment, then it does make sense to scale back on the therapist visits.
It's been about 10 months since I saw mine, because there's just not that much happening for me other than enjoying RLE. I am going back (to a different therapist) shortly, but that's because I want to get into the queue for SRS and will need the appropriate referral letters.
Quote from: amandam on November 24, 2017, 12:45:42 PM
I'm wondering if I should delay therapy with the new long-term therapist. We've had one meeting and she was a bit perplexed on why I came in because me and my previous therapist made a plan: incorporate more femininity slowly and see how I feel. That would be a long-term process of discovery. It seems like the therapy is not of much use at the present time. I could go in multiple times in a year, did you grow your nails, yup, did you shave your pits, yup. Kinda boring conversations to have with a therapist.
Perhaps, I should just spend time in self-discovery and delay therapy for awhile. Maybe pick it up later if I continue toward a likely transition. I'm just not seeing how I can get more value at this point since my first six-session therapist helped me immensely and helped me discover what I needed to know about myself. That I'm transgender, I accept it, and the journey begins.
The goals I set out will also take a long time. One goal is to lose weight since the muscle mass and spare tire mark me as a man. Well, I'm not losing weight. I think I need to get a handle on this goal before I go to a therapist. I take care of my nails now, don't beat myself up over being trans, realize I can be Frank Dillane and not John Wayne as a male. I mean, that's progress? I'm using my Tria and will continue to do so.
I feel like if I go to a therapist now, it's just kinda like being monitored as I journey, not seeing how I can add value to the valuable knowledge I already have. What do you think? Wait a year?
When I started with therapy, though it was trans related, transition of any sort was off the table. Been there, tried it twice. Both utter fails. I needed help with un-learning a lifetime of self-education in how Not to handle being trans. Help with my self-esteem, total lack of self-worth, and especially hopefully maybe loosing a bit of the Shame & Guilt that ruled my life. I needed to learn new and healthier ways to think of myself, how to move about in a world where everything that goes goes is my fault, and I know exactly why... being trans.
Quote from: amandam on November 24, 2017, 12:45:42 PM
I'm wondering if I should delay therapy with the new long-term therapist. We've had one meeting and she was a bit perplexed on why I came in because me and my previous therapist made a plan: incorporate more femininity slowly and see how I feel. That would be a long-term process of discovery. It seems like the therapy is not of much use at the present time. I could go in multiple times in a year, did you grow your nails, yup, did you shave your pits, yup. Kinda boring conversations to have with a therapist.
Perhaps, I should just spend time in self-discovery and delay therapy for awhile. Maybe pick it up later if I continue toward a likely transition. I'm just not seeing how I can get more value at this point since my first six-session therapist helped me immensely and helped me discover what I needed to know about myself. That I'm transgender, I accept it, and the journey begins.
The goals I set out will also take a long time. One goal is to lose weight since the muscle mass and spare tire mark me as a man. Well, I'm not losing weight. I think I need to get a handle on this goal before I go to a therapist. I take care of my nails now, don't beat myself up over being trans, realize I can be Frank Dillane and not John Wayne as a male. I mean, that's progress? I'm using my Tria and will continue to do so.
I feel like if I go to a therapist now, it's just kinda like being monitored as I journey, not seeing how I can add value to the valuable knowledge I already have. What do you think? Wait a year?
I went because my thinking was all over the place and i wanted a sanity check. I get the feeling that now I've got the confirmed diagnosis I'm getting dimishing returns. I spent so much time online reading other people's stories and posting on the other site, i've got a rough outline of where i need to go and the timeline to get there that minimizes the disruptions to my stakeholder's lives. So I think I'm going to cut it back to every other month as checkpoint meetings. She seemed surprised to learn I had a plan that included considering minimizing the impact others, and was stretched over long term. In a year or two I need to switch to Kaiser to take advantage of their services.
Have you considered joining a tg support group and attending en femme? Or going out amongst the muggles? For me, walking into a mainstream, crowded restaurant en femme helped confirm being out and some degree of transition is right for me. Talking to other trans people on varying points on the spectrum helped as well, to see where I fit.
On the topic of therapy I think it can be important and helpful when transitioning. So many new emotions and reminicsing of what could/should have been in the past. It's all very depressing for me.
Trans people are so brave sometimes I doubt if I'm as capable
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I don't mind therapy. My six sessions with the first therapist gave me immense insight, a bit of an epiphany, and a plan of action. I'm at the point where I need to move forward with self-acceptance and take my baby steps. Until I take those steps, I won't see if it becomes a juggernaut of transition. Until that happens, it seems like seeing a therapist is so anti-climatic.
I think I'll keep my January appt. I want to relay my thoughts to the new therapist. I feel that I want to try low-dose HRT. But, I'm deathly afraid of too much of a body change. The women in my family have very large breasts. And I work with some very anti-whatever people. It would not go over well. I work very close with two guys who would probably not accept it. HR could force them, but it makes for a very difficult work situation. I'm VERY worried about this. At my job, if you complain about others, you are also labeled a problem employee. I have 2 kids in college, etc. I have to protect my job.
It's like a choice of stressors, you have to choose one.
I also had another dream about being a woman last night. Didn't sleep well, woke up about 5 times. I was a tall, thin woman with short black hair. Kinda like a model. I was out and about in public. I was dressed in tight black pants, a black top, and black boots. Very stylish. I was very happy and feeling good. It wasn't a type of woman I am normally attracted to, and she didn't resemble me. I do remember all the people being nice to me and I felt really good about it.
You do have the power to choose. You can opt for just an AA and see how that works out for you after a few months. Spiro does take time. It is amazing what T can do to your emotional (un)health. You can also go with low dose E, a good 1/4 to 1/2 of transitional dose.
As with all things... YMMV. Again, breast growth is under your control. Slowing or stopping is (relatively) easy, you just do it. Plus it usually takes time. Hiding the girls is pretty easy if you aaren't the type to wear tight fitting clothes, or sweaty Tee's to start with. I have an almost B and in loose fitting dress shirts they are unnoticeable, except perhaps by my wife who is hyper aware of such things
As Joanne said, you can just take an anti-androgen such as spiro, without taking estrogen, and see how that makes you feel. Eventually you'll need to go back on either T or E for long term health, but for a short time it should be fine. This will give you some insight into how you feel when on HRT, even if it's just the AA portion of HRT.
Going to a therapist without taking taking actionable steps is kind of like going to schoool without doing your homework or studying. It's bettter than nothing, but it's so much better to supplement therapy with life changes, even if they are just tiny baby steps.
Feeling meloncholy. Helping my kid research colleges. Ended up gravitating toward the sorority pages. Big mistake. I cant be them. So young, so pretty, with perfect bodies. They are so happy, at least for the photos. I feel so sad. Even with a transition, I'll never be a pretty young woman like them. I want to cry. I've been robbed. Why didnt God make me them. Gotta log off and do something to shake off the darkness.
Right, you can't. But you can be a gracefully aging middle aged trans woman. And if you had transitioned at 20, would you have your family, your career, all the other things you've done and achieved? The world was not kind to our people 30 years ago. You can't change the past, but you can influence the future.
Quote from: amandam on December 14, 2017, 06:58:47 PM
Feeling meloncholy. Helping my kid research colleges. Ended up gravitating toward the sorority pages. Big mistake. I cant be them. So young, so pretty, with perfect bodies. They are so happy, at least for the photos. I feel so sad. Even with a transition, I'll never be a pretty young woman like them. I want to cry. I've been robbed. Why didnt God make me them. Gotta log off and do something to shake off the darkness.
I was told today by an old lady that I look far too young to be 43, married for 13 years and have 2 kids. This tells me you can turn the clock back a bit. :)
Quote from: amandam on December 14, 2017, 06:58:47 PM
I cant be them...
Ahhh Another "I don't want to be "Me", dream. Driving yourself crazy with "Should have, would have, could have. I spent a good 50 years living a life that was not 100% "me". Is wishing to be someone else, not you, be that anything different?
I have a pretty long list of "What is WRONG". The If Onlys..... Maybe because I had many "If Onlys" from a tender young age and learned how to adapt, to work with what God gave me, do I view this whole being trans "adder" in the same light. I live a life that is a trans irony. 6ft tall. Balding since 14. A voice deep enough to earn me big bucks doing voice overs. Giant tree frog hands, and... according to Scuba Pro... "Super Extra Large" feet. Just to top off the supper extra large blobs of flab I walk around with. Oh, and to echo an experience you related.... well endowed and able to go for way too long.
If Only......
If only I have never met others I first thought far worse off then me
If only I have never talked with other trans women, hear the joy of their lives today
If only I have never seen no matter how wrong or grotesque I think I am, others still found joy reaching for that gold ring
If only.....
Quote from: amandam on December 14, 2017, 06:58:47 PM
Feeling meloncholy. Helping my kid research colleges. Ended up gravitating toward the sorority pages. Big mistake. I cant be them. So young, so pretty, with perfect bodies. They are so happy, at least for the photos. I feel so sad. Even with a transition, I'll never be a pretty young woman like them. I want to cry. I've been robbed. Why didnt God make me them. Gotta log off and do something to shake off the darkness.
Why do I do this to myself? Is this common with transgender people?
Well, I cancelled my next Kaiser counseling appointment. I regret it sometimes. But, I don't know what to talk about with her specifically. I've learned so much and I have to work on my goals.
Sometimes I see my therapist and I just talk about general life stuff because my transition is ticking along nicely. Other times I'm asking for an early appointment coz I'm in meltdown. If there's not a financial pressure, I'd keep up that relationship... X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
There is also this: I wanted to keep my first six session therapist. She was gold. But she only does triage. I went to one appt. with this current therapist. When she came out to get me she was all smiles. When she saw me, she reacted like she was put off. Was she expecting someone who looked like they were in transition? That's what I think. I am still in 100% man mode. Then when we got in there she stated that she wasn't sure why I was there. We talked some and she made the next appt. But, I didn't get much value out of it. She's the only female available at Kaiser near me with gender experience and she is very busy. I could only get appts every 2-3 months. Everything just seemed wrong with her.
I'm at the point now where I want to do my goals. Lose weight, remove hair, accept myself. I can do everything without a therapist except hrt and beyond. If I need hrt, I'll go back.
Quote from: amandam on August 13, 2017, 02:45:35 PM
I don't know if I could transition. So many things pop up in my mind. I have 3 grown kids, and I've always wanted to be the grandpa I and my kids have never had. I'm still married and there's the aspect of the golden years that are coming up. We can have a decent life financially, not rich, not poor. If I could go back and start over as a girl, yes, I could do that. Transition now? Gives me pause. I really don't know if I could. What's in my mind right now is managing symptoms. If I can move more fem, reduce dysphoria, and improve my mental health, that would probably create little damage to the current situation. I guess my list of preferred outcomes goes something like this:
1. Be born a girl, start over. Not gonna happen.
2. Be TS when young and transition. Too late.
3. Manage symptoms, partial transition - thin out body, electrolysis, etc. Seems the best outcome at this point.
4. Full on transition. Only if I had to, it's not a need at this point, even if part of me would like that.
Guess I'm down to number 3. I think my goal is not to be stressed out over this, to completely accept myself, to be who I am meant to be while not being destructive of my usually pleasant life.
If I couldn't personally pass as a woman, number 3 would work for me. I would be ok knowing I was at least getting the meds I need for sanity's sake and the physical attributes will be how they develop.
I guess I'm holding back some. Part of me wants to transition, go through the looking glass. Part of me says no. I REALLY hear what a lot of you have said here, "only transition if you have to". So I look at my personal list as the following (reordered from above):
Must do:
1. Thin out body like when I was in my 20's to remove male pattern fat and muscle. I am like Frank Dillane physically. I am 5'8-9" and have a lighter medium frame. This will also help my hips, as they extend some. No problems in the booty dept. I have never needed padding. The weight loss alone will give me a more fem shape.
2. Remove hair on hands, feet, my few chest hairs. Doing Tria religiously.
3. Completely accept I am not very manly so quit trying to act like it.
Probably:
1. Grow hair out.
2. Shave legs and pits regularly.
3. Remove beard. If I can afford it, insurance, etc.
Possibly:
1. HRT for mental health. Some feminization okay if I do this.
Only if I have to (full transition). If I transition, I want all three:
1. Breasts and hips.
2. FFS.
3. GRS.
It was months before I presented female in front of my therapist. I was a buzz-cut, 280lb man, with not an ounce of female. I'd suggest it was the therapist that was at fault. We all go at our own pace, and take each step when we're ready. X
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Sometimes I wonder, what the heck am I doing. I didn't get a warm fuzzy from this therapist, but at least she was a gender therapist. I'm also not ready to transition fully, so I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Don't want to transition, but it kinda pulls at me. I am obsessed with googling before and after mtf images. When I see the ones who look female, I wish I was them.
If you notice, everything in my feminization list that I said I'd do is a safe thing to do. Remove hand hair, safe. Etc. I think this means that people won't know. That I get away with it. I become more fem and no one knows. I can run back to the safe "male" persona at any time. No one can wonder about me, etc.
Did I cancel my appointment because I made excuses cause I'm afraid? Am I right to just work on myself for awhile? Should I try to lose weight and give it six months? Should I remake my appt. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Do therapy, facial hair removal and work on other aspects of your appearance like learning makeup or assembling a wardrobe. Often the need to switch role is rather sudden and the more prep work you can do, the quicker you will be able to move into the feminine role if you feel the need. In my case, loss of a job force my transition about 6 months before I planed it however for many just the need to do it moves up the time table. Indecision is a strong indication of the need for therapy so resume therapy and don't miss an appointment.
Obviously being new here I'm catching up on a lot of the old topics, I'd like to join this discussion if I may, because others may be able to offer me similar advice if what I'm suggesting is wrong. I've got about halfway down your to do list, and have reached the point of looking to starting hrt, from research I've done, I'm led to think, it's not just physical changes that hormones will bring, but a balancing of mind and body, and so I'm hoping, the fears etc that are present with me, the op and others will likely evaporate and transitioning descions become easier?
My own experience is that the mental changes have far exceeded the physical, though those are certainly there too.
Although I started living full-time before HRT, and that gave me alot of confidence I'd made the right choice, when I started HRT that gave me a certainty, at least regarding my social transition.
I'm still personally very undecided on how much further I'll go with my medical transition, so HRT hasn't given me any more clarity or confidence in that regard.
I still have fears and concerns, but have found comfort with these at each step, HRT being just another step.
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Quote from: Herts_Stephanie on December 24, 2017, 02:21:05 PM
Obviously being new here I'm catching up on a lot of the old topics, I'd like to join this discussion if I may, because others may be able to offer me similar advice if what I'm suggesting is wrong. I've got about halfway down your to do list, and have reached the point of looking to starting hrt, from research I've done, I'm led to think, it's not just physical changes that hormones will bring, but a balancing of mind and body, and so I'm hoping, the fears etc that are present with me, the op and others will likely evaporate and transitioning descions become easier?
While the hormones did a lot to slow down the mental chatter for me, I think the biggest factor in combatting fear was getting out there as myself. I spent a day in a city where I am not known, presenting as Kathy. I went into shops, sat in a coffee shop watching people come and go, and just enjoyed being myself. I found that that experience solidified my sense of self and evaporated all my fears. By the time I got home later that day, I realized that the fear was gone. It has never come back.
Quote from: Herts_Stephanie on December 24, 2017, 02:21:05 PM
Obviously being new here I'm catching up on a lot of the old topics, I'd like to join this discussion if I may, because others may be able to offer me similar advice if what I'm suggesting is wrong. I've got about halfway down your to do list, and have reached the point of looking to starting hrt, from research I've done, I'm led to think, it's not just physical changes that hormones will bring, but a balancing of mind and body, and so I'm hoping, the fears etc that are present with me, the op and others will likely evaporate and transitioning descions become easier?
One member you should pay attention to is in the following links. Unfortunately this is about the 5th account so much of the history isn't available but the threads I have provided will give you a general idea of what's going on. Jayne has struggled with this for around two years but this is the longest time I have seen her comfortable with herself.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=56513
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230041.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230367.0.html
Thanks to you all for your responses, hopefully as planned Megan we can discuss things further as already planned. Thanks for the links Dena, I had read some of her postings as I was familiarising myself with the forums, but didn't realise she had come and gone so often, I'll have a read x
Always happy to talk and share my experiences, but answers can only ever come from you. X
See you in 2018! [emoji16]
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Quote from: Dena on December 24, 2017, 02:04:08 PM
Indecision is a strong indication of the need for therapy so resume therapy and don't miss an appointment.
This is SO true. You may think you don't need more therapy, but if you're struggling with this much indecision, then you need therapy more than you realize.
You're all so right. I think I cancelled it out of fear. I emailed the therapist and said I'd remake the appt. I have to wait until Tuesday to do that. I've also decided to grow my hair out. One of those medium length slicked back guy haircuts. I can unslick it and style it in girl mode. Another safety measure, but it's better than the short hair I have now.
I changed my avatar. I found a pic that matched (mostly) one of my dreams. It's of a girl who I would have looked like if born female, or if I transitioned before puberty. While I love That Girl, it's not me.
I have my next therapy appt. near the end of February. I think when I cancelled the December appt. out of fear, it may have been a good thing. It gave me more time to calm down and think.
Part of my current problem is that I've spent so much of my time being John Wayne that I resist becoming a less masculine man. I looked at some old pics of myself and I was a skinny kid, not very masculine, not aggressive. A lot of the guys would think I was gay. I could see why. I would say I was somewhat androgynous, I had many feminine traits. I would post a pic, but I'm chicken right now.
So, when I meet the therapist, not only am I going to talk about trans issues, but I also have a hurdle to get past. To get to a more fem presentation, I have to also get to, and accept while doing it, the fem man I used to be. I have to lose the muscle mass and fat without internally resisting. I have to keep letting my hair grow, without internally resisting. Etc.
Know what I mean?
Amanda, I can relate to much of what you are saying. I held on to this musculin persona until I could no longer do so. I held on because I didn't know how not to. He was my protector for as long as I could remember. But holding on drove me to a very dark place, and I ultimately found myself at a fork in the road. I knew I couldn't go on as things were. It wasn't easy and still isn't. But all of the trials and tribulations have been worth it.
I hope you can find some peace within yourself, and whatever you decide, I hope it makes you happy.
And I had another dream about being a woman. This time, I was a cute blonde about 18. I was talking with a friend of mine who also was a young, cute, blonde. I'm like, wtf. ???
Just an update, this is kinda like my blog. :)
My crossdressing is almost non-existent, except for wearing panties. I do that daily. Sometimes I want to crossdress but there is no time without someone being home. When I get a chance, like this morning, I just locked the bedroom door and put on a night gown. I just don't "feel" like I used to, a fetishist ->-bleeped-<- having to dress all girly and sexy. I feel like I'm more "normal" in my female proclivities. If that makes sense.
I'm keeping my nails short but now I take care of them instead of just cutting them. I want them to look good. I am still using the Tria and the hair is going away. :) On my fingers, only a few grow back, but very slow. When I'm pretty sure they're done, I'll start on my hands. I'm doing some on my hands, but I'll do all of it soon.
I shaved my armpits. Where the Tria has been used, it grows back less than 25 percent as fast. I see some bald patches too. I might Tria my whole pits, we'll see. I kinda like the "female" pattern they are now with the partial Tria treatment. It feels good to have "female patterned" armpit hair.
My hair is growing out. It was cut almost as short as a crewcut. I can comb it now. Not too much trouble with cowlicks. I'm going to grow it medium length and comb it back, like older bikers do. Not slicked back hard, looser. Hopefully, I can get it cut so it looks good if I want to style it like a woman would. It would be nice to not need wigs.
I haven't lifted weights. I feel like the tone has gone down on my arms. Also, I am cutting back on junk. I want to lose weight and remove the fat and muscle from my upper body. My lower body is about a size 14, my upper about a 16. I want to get to 14 all over, if not lower. At size 14, bra size 38, all the women's fashions open up to you.
I decided I want breasts. Yes, I would like that. I don't know if I'll ever do it.
The biggest thing right now, is I am obsessed, or should I say OBSESSED! with transition videos on Youtube and googling pictures. I used to google stuff like sissy memes, or women forcing you to wear their clothes, etc. Now I mostly google MTF before and after pics and videos. I am always in the female role mentally if I need to release my tension.
I am letting loose emotionally some. I can sleep now. I let myself walk more naturally. With "slightly" wide hips, I let them sway naturally when I walk if no one is around. They do this on their own if I relax. I am also letting the rest of my body relax more. It seems more "natural" to me if I let some of the fem mannerisms out. I'm not "acting" fem, it just happens, my arms flow more, stand with one hip out, etc. if you know what I mean. I have to be careful though, not out, so I try to only let it happen when alone.
All of this is happening and I don't feel the need to crossdress. It's weird to me. It's not what I expected. In the beginning I figured if I moved toward self-acceptance, my desire to crossdress would increase.
BTW, changed my avatar to Cocinelle. One of my heroes. I idolize her.
Hello Amandam
I see you have been exploring for some time just like me.
I have been crossdressing and bodyshaving for over 40 years but like you I don't have the great desire to spend so much time on the crossdressing as long as I can simply wear female clothing - no special standard or fashion.
Crossdressing is not the point to me as I definitely want something more. I am also in therapy. I can no longer pretend I am a man. I feel I need HRT urgently and I feel I will ultimately transition but not as yet as I cannot pass.
So realizing we are transgender and taking some action, we both lose the desire to crossdress just for crossdressing's sake.
Pamela
Seeing the gender therapist tomorrow. Wanted to document where I feel I am at.
1. A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
The more I tried to make my body more manly, the more angry, etc. I stayed.
2. A strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
Yes, remove all hair. Lose muscle and male-patterned fat. Get electrolysis on face. Not sure on Mr. Thingie. I've already got rid of all my tattoos. I mostly do not like looking like a man.
3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
Yes. I would like to have breasts and hips "if I could be accepted with them". Not sure otherwise.
4. A strong desire to be of the other gender
Every single day. Mostly all day long. I admit there are moments where I could take it or leave it, I feel kinda meh, and think it's okay I'm a guy. But then the feeling comes back. I used to ask myself if I could be a woman if I was completely unattractive, I said no. Then I thought, maybe that question is unfair, as unfair as desiring to be the more attractive women I see. I then started asking myself if I could be "me" transitioned into a woman. This gave me pause. Could I accept that? Possibly.
5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
By women, yes, I like to have female friends and hang out with them. I don't care for guy friends. I would love to be one of them and socialize as a woman.
6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender
I absolutely believe this. It answers so many questions.
re: #4 I would credit that to the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions & Denial. Keep yourself totally preoccupied with a list of "Have To's" to overwhelmed by them, it is fairly easy to let the GD crap wind up on the bottom of of the pile of things to do
For me, my 1 hour commute (each way) and parts of the evenings & weekend are the worse. Those are when I do most of my crying. Otherwise I have too much other stuff to worry about.
Quote from: amandam on September 12, 2017, 11:08:33 PMPerhaps, the more feminine I get, the better I will feel, and the strain of the dream will lessen. One can hope.
I was going to try to read all 7 pages of the topic before saying anything, but this just shouts for a comment.
If you're transgender, the exact opposite will happen. The more feminine you get, the more feminine you will want to express. You're not climbing out of the rabbit hole; you're diving further in.
You said something about managing your symptoms. I'll tell you this now, for when you'll believe it: you're kidding yourself. There's reality, there's unreality, and there's riding the fence. One of these works; the other two don't.
There really is no escape. But, truly, that's a
good thing. ;)
There have been some amazing responses so I am sure that I won't be adding anything. Joanne has really been spot on repeatedly, as I am sure you can appreciate. I don't really want to add my 2 cents here but... maybe...
You know this is not going away. That is important to know but I think the biggest question you have is; Am I cd or am I transsexual? Both are persistent and will probably never go away. So how to distinguish between the two? You have said things here that you just don't hear a cd say, but here again I think that you know that. I think from your first post the question hasn't been WHAT you are as much as what you id, ego, identity or whatever you want to call it will LET you be. Everything else has been rationalizing the struggle. Your need has already given the definition but the image you have of yourself does not want to die so it pushes back. From what I read you put a lot of effort into being that image. I don't know, I am probably way off but that is my 2 cents.
I really love the differences between people. 😆 Completely unrelated here, so feel free to tune out. Everyone is so awesomely different. Reading about envying pretty girls it made me laugh at my own weirdness. For me that always seemed greedy, like who are you that average isn't good enough. Like reaching for the sun might be too much, Mercury might be safer. The average girl was always worse for me. The next I am not proud of at all but the women I perceived as ugly were my worst, they made me ache. I would pray that night, 'Yes! I will take that! Please, please, please!" It wasn't that I wanted to be ugly, but I felt the lower I asked for the more likely I was to get it. Pretty lame huh? Even more pathetic is that I began to hate women who didn't care for their appearance. Yes, I mean hate. There is no way I can express the anger I felt towards them. The way I saw it, they had everything and acted like it meant nothing. Everything that I wanted they took for granted and let it go to waste. It made me burn. Seeing someone throw away food when I was starving was more than I could bear. I am not sure when it happened but I have come to enjoy completely the differences in people and appreciate what it offers to us all.
Wishing happiness your way.
Hugs
Quote from: amandam on August 12, 2017, 12:28:49 PM
When I was younger, I was a skinny kid, not very masculine, an outsider. Other boys knew something was different. I still had friends, though. When I joined the Marines, guys would ask me if I was "sweet". After the Marines, I sat on a Harley at the Harley Shop cause it looked fun. Another guy laughed at me. I started my journey into manhood. I took martial arts, I lifted, I got manly/biker/etc tattoos, I acted different.
Once a girlfriend outed my crossdressing to all of my friends. I lost all of my friends. I shook for days, anxiety taking hold. I stopped being as happy and friendly as I was. I increased my manliness. I became the stoic, quiet man. Once my martial art teacher asked me where the happy, friendly guy was. I didn't know how to answer.
I became somewhat of an expert in the manly arts of martial arts, and weapons both old and new. I am not a tough guy and I am afraid to fight, but I seriously doubt there are many who can take me. So, my manliness appeared to be on solid ground.
Enter gender dysphoria. Some of you have seen my other posts (a whole other story which is not needed to be repeated here). I am transgendered. I might even be transsexual. I don't know yet.
To have peace, I must become one with myself. I even posted here about a "slight" lengthening of my nails which freaked me out, "They'll know!", etc.
So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?
Take baby steps.
And discover that no one gives a toss. People will accept you as you are, take you as you come, almost all the time. People come in all shapes and sizes and colors and types, and what you think is a big change for you, is barely noticeable in the grand scheme of things.
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Just got back from the appt. I discussed with her a couple of things. Let me try some Cliff Notes.
I feel I am heavily repressing myself. It's hard to know where I am at gender-wise while this is going on. We agree that I am transgender and show traits of both "transsexuals" and "cders". I am on the spectrum somewhere though it's not clear where. I could be full-blown transsexual, or just transgender. I'm certainly not just a Cder. This I already knew. I may find out I need to transition or I may not. I may find out I need surgery, but she thinks this is less likely. I must move toward acceptance of myself to find out.
Here's my major problem moving forward:
I've spent a lifetime trying to "kill the skinny, somewhat effeminate man-boy" I used to be. In order to find myself, I have to move from the false manly-man I have created, and move toward a more natural me. That includes the skinny kid. I talked about viscerally responding to that idea. The old fears, the rejection of my peers, etc. But, I have to go down this path. I might find out I'm Justin Beeber, or Johnny Depp, or Frank Dillane. But at least I'd like myself.
At the same time, I have to continue to try to incorporate more femininity like I've been doing.
So, to sum up. I have a problem not only accepting and embracing whatever level of femaleness I have, I also have a problem accepting myself male or female!
We're going to meet once a month. The main focus will be on my mental roadblocks of self-acceptance. If successful, removing the roadblocks will help define "me" as well as where I am at gender-wise.
Hello again Amandam
I have been reading this thread since you started it and I must say I feel precisely the same as you as regards your 6 points listed 19Feb. From these points and as FinallyMichelle says a Cd would not think these points and hence I truly believe you (like me) are indeed Transsexual.
I agree with AnneMarie that for most of us (I cannot confirm whether or not it applies to you) that the more feminine we get, the more we want to express; it becomes more dominant and a desire to increase any feminine participation perhaps leading to living publicly.
I assume you discussed the 6 points at your appointment and I am glad things are progressing both in therapy and in your life generally.
Pamela
I know one thing for sure. When I was less manly, weighed less, had less male-patterned muscle n fat, I looked female when dressed. That always made me really happy.
Yes indeed. For some of us there is a visual and/or physical element - some of us may have feminine features or mannerisms or both.
I still havent completely disconnected my sexual component from it. To be blunt, I fantasize mostly about being a woman having sex. I dont have a woman's body yet, but, I also have a huge desire to dress like a woman and go down on a man or another trans person. I'm developing a serious desire for the D. i still like V though. But, if I had a vagina, I know what I'd use it for. :)
Personal list (reordered from above, moving more femme):
In progress:
1. Thin out body to remove male pattern fat and muscle.
2. Remove hair on hands, feet, my few chest hairs. Doing Tria religiously.
3. Completely accept I am not very manly so quit trying to act like it.
4. Grow hair out.
5. Shave/trim pits regularly.
Probably:
2. Shave legs regularly. Still wear shorts a lot, kids at home, this may or may not happen.
3. Remove beard. If I can afford it, insurance, etc. I want it gone.
Possibly:
1. HRT for mental health.
1. Breasts and hips.
2. FFS.
Only if I have to:
1. Breasts and hips.
2. FFS.
3. GRS.
How I feel right now is - when I choose to be female, I want to be "completely" female. I want no hint of maleness. When I have to be a man, I don't care if femme features bleed over.
My therapist agreed with me that transition at 58 would be very hard, it would disrupt my upcoming retirement, the house with the picket fence, me and the missus playing grandparents to future grandchildren. All valid points. It is a lot to consider. So, to transition, I have to be real sure, as in 100% I "have to".
She's not getting "have to" from me. She brought up the idea of gender-fluid. But, it feels like she is looking at that as someone less than full-on transsexual. I don't think she's using it in the context of someone who ebbs and flows.
Should I have attempted transition in my 20's in the 1980s? Probably. In today's world in my 20's, almost certainly. But now? That ship may have sailed.
I think my main drive right now is to become as femme as possible without disrupting my current life and see if I get to a point of "acceptance", where my amount of femme is enough for me to finish out my days.
Quote from: amandam on March 10, 2018, 11:04:08 AM
How I feel right now is - when I choose to be female, I want to be "completely" female. I want no hint of maleness. When I have to be a man, I don't care if femme features bleed over.
My therapist agreed with me that transition at 58 would be very hard, it would disrupt my upcoming retirement, the house with the picket fence, me and the missus playing grandparents to future grandchildren. All valid points. It is a lot to consider. So, to transition, I have to be real sure, as in 100% I "have to".
She's not getting "have to" from me. She brought up the idea of gender-fluid. But, it feels like she is looking at that as someone less than full-on transsexual. I don't think she's using it in the context of someone who ebbs and flows.
Should I have attempted transition in my 20's in the 1980s? Probably. In today's world in my 20's, almost certainly. But now? That ship may have sailed.
I think my main drive right now is to become as femme as possible without disrupting my current life and see if I get to a point of "acceptance", where my amount of femme is enough for me to finish out my days.
When I see one of your posts, I always ask myself, "Who's the babe she's using as an avatar?"
I think it would do you a world of good to let go and just
be. It's clear from your posts that you are very into control. I suspect control is a bigger problem for you than gender. The good news is that this issue will probably be impossible for you to control, and you're going to have to learn to let go. You're going to hate that; it will be a crisis for you. But you'll be so glad, once you've passed it.
Have fun, sweetie. ;)
The avatar is Coccinelle, a French transsexual star. Google her. I guess the control part comes from trying to be very careful, and fear.
Quote from: amandam on March 10, 2018, 12:34:56 PM
The avatar is Coccinelle, a French transsexual star. Google her. I guess the control part comes from trying to be very careful, and fear.
Thanks for the reference.
I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive. I'm not. If I didn't care, I would have said nothing. It does me no good to publicly look like a jerk.
I understand where you're coming from -- truly, I do. The reality is, this is something you can't control. You can manage it, up to a point; but you can't control it. I want you to find peace, and happiness; but you won't find it b.s.ing yourself. You are not in control of this process; and you can't be. Better to embrace it, and go on.
I'll try to leave you alone, henceforth. It's painful to watch, though.
Amanda's, yes transitioning at a later age can be difficult but it's not impossible and can be a wonderful feeling. I am 62 and started two years ago in general and not even a year since I've been serious in my direction. It's tough at home but we are working thru it positively. Of the 50 or so people that know so far only one is being stupid about me and I don't care. It does affect my wife as it involves two of our grandkids. I've been deessing for only 40 days now but I also present full female When out and in no way do I feel bad about it. I feel so much emotionally as I've brought out Donna and the release and happiness is overwhelming. Your holding onto manhood will confuse you even more. I thought I could keep a foot in each world but it did not work. My friends are having a difficult time recognizing me when I'm out so the rest of the world didn't really give a damn and neither do I about them. Costco lady didn't want to take my card today because of the man picture until I showed her my licence as well. That's acceptance and you can't live on both sides of it unless you want to stay a cross dresser which isn't a bad thing to consider if you are having trouble making the leap.
Lists are to ridgid, your therapist may explain this journey is little puzzle pieces, you set them in one at a time and follow it to the next piece. This will put the whole picture together in the order it wants and lists will block that progress. Mine has been all over the map with face hair gone only 2 weeks ago and a wig this week. Everything backwards from any designed route when you consider dressing and presenting fem came first. It's the way my pieces fell in place.
These are my experiences and opinions and are valid to me and maybe some food for thought down the road for others. Be honest and open with your SO and yourself first and foremost and best of luck moving forward.
I appreciate the words about not being able to control this. I mean, I know that. But nothing wrong with treading slowly. At other times in my life when the dysphoria came on hard, I stressed out and shut it down hard. Caused all kinds of emotional havoc. So this time I decided to let it develop slowly so I don't freak out. Don't worry about the pain part. It was painful before. It's not so much painful now as scary. Slowly, I feel better about myself. I'm not feeling pain. :)
There is one problem with my "logical" plan, my stress level. I am not sleeping well. I'll go through periods where I have to take an Ativan for days to sleep better. I also take Prozac daily (30 yrs). I am hoping as I move more femme that my sleeping improves. I am wondering if I should pursue low-dose HRT now, or just see what happens with "the plan".
I'm late to this thread, but speaking as someone born and raised male, I guess I did have some feminine impulses through my life which I suppressed, but it was almost subconscious, because I never had any conscious inkling that I was transgender.
So, since the awakening/eruption/crisis that was realising that I wanted to be, if not a woman, then certainly more like one of them than a man......I suppose it's been a case of "digging up" the womanly things that I suppressed. I never wanted to be a stereotypical gay (though I knew I preferred boys), so I didn't let myself act or speak in a certain way. Now I'm encouraging myself to act and speak in those ways. Moving in a fluid way, walking with my hips, complimenting people on their appearance, asking women where they bought their clothes, using a girly speech pattern, flapping my wrists, crossing my legs (yes, I'm a camp ->-bleeped-<-) - these are all simply habits that I've learnt, which on some level I always wanted to learn; and crucially, they are all completely optional for MTF people, a fact that is often forgotten. They make me happier. They feel like things I should always have done. That's all I know. It's a bit like when I went veggie - I knew I should've done it about ten years ago. Why did I spend ten years being boyish and eating meat? Lol.
Quote from: Jenny94 on March 11, 2018, 11:52:30 PM
I'm late to this thread, but speaking as someone born and raised male, I guess I did have some feminine impulses through my life which I suppressed, but it was almost subconscious, because I never had any conscious inkling that I was transgender.
So, since the awakening/eruption/crisis that was realising that I wanted to be, if not a woman, then certainly more like one of them than a man......I suppose it's been a case of "digging up" the womanly things that I suppressed. I never wanted to be a stereotypical gay (though I knew I preferred boys), so I didn't let myself act or speak in a certain way. Now I'm encouraging myself to act and speak in those ways. Moving in a fluid way, walking with my hips, complimenting people on their appearance, asking women where they bought their clothes, using a girly speech pattern, flapping my wrists, crossing my legs (yes, I'm a camp ->-bleeped-<-) - these are all simply habits that I've learnt, which on some level I always wanted to learn; and crucially, they are all completely optional for MTF people, a fact that is often forgotten. They make me happier. They feel like things I should always have done. That's all I know. It's a bit like when I went veggie - I knew I should've done it about ten years ago. Why did I spend ten years being boyish and eating meat? Lol.
There's a lot here I can relate to. I, also, had no clue.
My therapist assumed I would want to learn female mannerisms; but I felt that, given time, they would emerge naturally. And, slowly, they have. The more opportunity I have to socialize as a woman -- which isn't often, unfortunately -- the more they emerge. This isn't to say I haven't tried mimicry; but I'm not comfortable with it. It seems fake, for me, anyway. Why put on a different mask? The woman is there; I just need to take off the mask I grew up with.
Quote from: amandam on March 10, 2018, 11:04:08 AM
Should I have attempted transition in my 20's in the 1980s? Probably. In today's world in my 20's, almost certainly. But now? That ship may have sailed.
Quote from: amandam on March 11, 2018, 12:38:37 PM
I am wondering if I should pursue low-dose HRT now, or just see what happens with "the plan".
Hello again
I am 4 years older than you and Oh Yes if I were in my 20s or indeed 18+, I would transition like a shot.
I note you are at least considering HRT. Having followed your whole story, I think this would be beneficial to you as a confirmation factor at least and probably also to help mentally. The decision on everything of course is yours.
I truly wish you every success on your journey and truly hope the ship has NOT sailed.
Pamela
changed my avatar back to That Girl, my childhood hero.😀
I'm having serious doubts now. I'm not really decoupling the "turn on" from my trans feelings. Also, the jealously I feel is not jealousy of all women, it is still jealousy of the good-looking ones. My transgender feelings will come on strong for months, and then lessen for months. The last month I haven't really wanted to dress up. And when I did, I still had to have my release before going back. Like I told my therapist last time. I wonder if my transness is ultimately sexual.
Quote from: amandam on March 31, 2018, 11:33:54 PM
I'm having serious doubts now. I'm not really decoupling the "turn on" from my trans feelings. Also, the jealously I feel is not jealousy of all women, it is still jealousy of the good-looking ones. My transgender feelings will come on strong for months, and then lessen for months. The last month I haven't really wanted to dress up. And when I did, I still had to have my release before going back. Like I told my therapist last time. I wonder if my transness is ultimately sexual.
CD++?
Just looking for some "Old Reliable" sexual release?
Or, simply "Somewhere on the Spectrum?"
There is a myriad of "Possible" explanations that you can over analyze to death. Believe me, I am good at such things. Then there is the "It is what it is" approach which begs the question, "Now What?". What provides comfort? What provides relief? What gives Joy? And of course the downside questions such as What feeds Shame & Guilt?
Focusing on "Transness" implies focusing on that ones "Now What?" What is the end game? What "Must" you do to get there (By other's rules and advice)? The near total upset of your life, your existence, and for what? At what costs? The stuff sleepless, tear filled denial fueled nights (and sometimes days) are made of.
There is an old cruising, as in sailing, saying that applies for us. "It is not about the destination, but the journey". I've been trying to keep my bow into the headwinds of this hurricane for almost 10 years now. It's been one heck of a "Journey" with no destination in sight
Well said JoanneB
I thought the end was important until I started counseling. Now I know it's being true to myself and enjoy the journey where ever it may lead is the right thing for me.
I never comment but come here often. 2.5 years ago my dysphoria was an 8-10 on a 10 point scale. I had started electrolysis. I had 9 months of counseling and my counselor at Kaiser agreed that HRT to transition was right for me. The big reveal to my wife. Unfortunately she made it plain that transitioning would mean the loss of the marriage. I am 62 now. That loss would mean the loss of my current life, my house and half my retirement. It also could mean going back to work. I made the choice to go to couples counseling. We came to an agreement that I would not transition. Since then the D is between 2-5. I'm taking an anti-depressant very, very low dose. My hair is long. My ears are pierced. I occasionally dress. Walking into places my wife and I still get that occasional ladies, hello greeting. But until the day that it is transition or die, I will go no further. I think it is possible to live this way.
I just thought you should hear a different prospective. Take care and best wishes.
All of you are right, I'm still looking at this as a black and white issue. I knew a post-op who used to get her kinks looking at women's clothing magazines pre-op. After surgery she said she only looks at the clothes. I mean, transition could be for me, or could not. But, I've been so focused on what-the-heck-am-I that I'm forgetting to live. I've got to find a way just to accept myself, TS, CD, in-between... I am in transition, yes, but maybe my transition is only to the point of androgyny. I need to slow down my mind. My "need to know" is what's causing me stress.
There are moments each day where I allow myself to act more femme. I let loose, relax, and my mannerisms fall more inline with females. This is non-sexual. No need to dress at these times. Same thing during the day, I wear panties every day and it's non-sexual. It just feels right. When I do these things, I feel much more relaxed and happy. So, it's not just dress up and get my jollies.
Now that I think about it, I think I get my release at the end because it lessens the dysphoria. Then when I change back, I feel "normal" - no drive to dress up. Ok, now I'm not sure my masturbation is even completely sexual.
I can relate to both you and Genevie. I too had dysphoria (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) very badly and even started electrolysis. Finally culminating in seeing the doctor and getting prescribed Spironolactone and Estradiol. Been on it for 2 months now. I too am married and have 2 grown daughters (and a new grandson). I also considered the possibility my dysphoria was sexually driven. I'm not sure where all this will end and I very likely will lose my marriage, my house, and half my retirement. My wife isn't mad at me, but this isn't what she bargained for and I totally get that. It truly isn't what I wanted either. It's just the hand we were dealt.
Anyway, shortly after starting HRT, my dysphoria almost totally dissipated. My mind is clear and I don't feel like I'm in a frenzy anymore. Calm. I know I was a mess prior to starting, but I truly have a hard time remembering what it was like now. I almost feel like I could stop the HRT and live a normal life, but I'm pretty sure the same feelings would come flooding back. I don't want to feel like that ever again. I just wanted to die before HRT and I didn't feel like life was worth it. But I feel good today.
Right now I have no plans to socially transition. I'm just enjoying the fact that right now I feel "normal", sane, and in control. I don't feel the need to drink anymore and am pretty content. Not sure about the future or where I'll be, but hopefully I can handle it. Believe me, I have a lot of moments where I think "WTF" am I doing. But HRT has let me actually start living again.
I guess I'm just stressing out. Today I'm back to wanting to be a girl again and don't feel turned on at all about any of it. It's like I'm in a pinball machine.
QuoteI never comment but come here often. 2.5 years ago my dysphoria was an 8-10 on a 10 point scale. I had started electrolysis. I had 9 months of counseling and my counselor at Kaiser agreed that HRT to transition was right for me. The big reveal to my wife. Unfortunately she made it plain that transitioning would mean the loss of the marriage. I am 62 now. That loss would mean the loss of my current life, my house and half my retirement. It also could mean going back to work. I made the choice to go to couples counseling. We came to an agreement that I would not transition. Since then the D is between 2-5. I'm taking an anti-depressant very, very low dose. My hair is long. My ears are pierced. I occasionally dress. Walking into places my wife and I still get that occasional ladies, hello greeting. But until the day that it is transition or die, I will go no further. I think it is possible to live this way.
I just thought you should hear a different prospective. Take care and best wishes.
genevie, does this mean that you are living without HRT? How long have you been managing dysphoria this way? I'm intrigued because I'm on a similar path.
Had therapy tonight. Last month, I wrote a detailed document. I included things from my childhood, CD fetish stuff, trans feelings, etc. I didn't hold back. I included a lot of my postings from here. She said she came up with some determinations and called in another gender therapist for consultation to see if they agreed. They agreed.
Though I am on the transgender spectrum, I am not a "transsexual", i.e., needing full transition. I could perhaps be non-op, or a full-time or part-time CDer. It seems my generalized anxiety disorder may have contributed by "blowing up" my gender issues into an "OMG, what if I'm TS" scare. I guess you can say I'm non-binary. I think this helps as I usually try to black & white my gender issues. I can't black & white non-binary. It just is.
The first therapists advice is still good - incorporate more femininity into my life. She also gave me more homework. She wants me to work on accepting the skinny, slightly effeminate kid I tried to kill.
I am starting to realize that this road is long. I am working on bringing my stress level down. I have to to see more clearly my gender issues. I have made progress though over the last year. I know I'm not "going to hell" because of this. I also know I'm not a "freak". I am not a vanilla guy, an average man. And that has to be okay, because it's who and what I am. Like my therapist said, there are many people like me.
My hair is getting longer and I'm not cutting it until it's a medium length and I can comb it back as a guy and play with it as a girl. I'm taking care of my nails. I'm using the Tria to remove unwanted hair. I'm letting myself feel femme when I need to feel femme. I've lost a couple of pounds but need to hit my target weight to remove the extra fat and muscle. I was much happier when younger and could fit well into women's clothing and have a femme shape. So, I have a ways to go.
I'm starting to agree with my therapists that maybe I won't transition. But before that question even comes up, I have to move more femme. Up to now, I'm barely out of the starting gate. But, at least I'm not stressing out about this as some super-duper horror story tearing my mind and soul apart.
So, that's how I feel. Self-acceptance is number one. If I crossdress and get my jollies, that's me. If I want HRT, that's me. If I want surgery, that's me. If I want to be a "->-bleeped-<-", that's me. If I want to be a David Bowie, that's me.
It's all about the self-acceptance at this point. That's healthy right?
Quote from: amandam on April 08, 2018, 01:56:11 PM
I am starting to realize that this road is long. ... I also know I'm not a "freak". I am not a vanilla guy, an average man. And that has to be okay, because it's who and what I am. Like my therapist said, there are many people like me.
TW - "Not a Freak" You're a better man then I am Gunga Din. Congrats on making the leap. I still keep falling into my pool of self despair.
QuoteSo, that's how I feel. Self-acceptance is number one. If I crossdress and get my jollies, that's me. If I want HRT, that's me. If I want surgery, that's me. If I want to be a "->-bleeped-<-", that's me. If I want to be a David Bowie, that's me.
It's all about the self-acceptance at this point. That's healthy right?
Give me an AMEN Sisters!
YES, you are right. Without self-acceptance as who ever or whatever you define yourself as Today, you cannot be at peace with who you are today.
"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today is a gift...
that's why they call it present"
― Master Oogway
Had another therapy session. Pinpointing some more. Here's where I'm at. I am at least androgynous mentally, have traits of a CDer, and have a strong element of transsexualism. I could be a needing surgery TS, but more likely I'm a non-op. I don't need to get rid of junior, even though the alternative sounds nice. And at this point, I can live androgynously or female, either seems to work in my head.
It makes me sad to see the "man in a dress". When I was skinny and could "look female", I was happy. Therefore, what I must do is lose mass in my upper body. Become thin so male-pattern fat and muscle are no longer there. As well as doing my Tria and growing my hair. I was happier when my body was androgynous, so that is what I must do.
I did tell her I wouldn't mind having breasts if they didn't show in boy mode. I'd like to go without breast forms even if I had a small cup size. They'd be my breasts, not fakes. But, I don't want to live as a male and have them noticed.
So, there you have it:
Current place on spectrum:
John Wayne<---------Rod Stewart---------CD'ers--------David Bowie------me----------->Women and TS's
Hi Amanda,
I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm transgender. As I told my therapist yesterday, I've been dealing with this my whole life and it's still so new to me! I always considered myself a cross dresser as I only occasionally allowed Danielle to surface, but about a month ago she has become such a part of my life that I found that I'm more than just a cross dresser - I'm in fact transgender. She has become stronger than ever and I think she's here for good. With this newfound acceptance of myself, I'm still not sure where I'll go from here. I'm just taking it one day at a time and one baby step at a time.
I too built up a masculine image that is hard to separate from my female self. I don't think that this masculine counterpart is necessarily the real me, but it has been a way I've lived for so long that I don't know how not to live that way if that makes sense. Still, I'm taking it one step at a time.
Hello again Amanda
Nice to see things are truly progressing on the therapy front and that you definitely have plans.
I have been told I am physically somewhat androgynous and originally I thought I was ->-bleeped-<- (the old term for CD) until I finally realized I was/am transgender.
I wish you continued success.
Hugs
Pamela
The need to crossdress is still minimal. Usually, I just wear something but don't dress to the nines. Not really having much desire for that, but don't have much private time either. The sexual component still exists. I'm still trying to see how much that will play out as I go along.
I'm still growing my hair, doing Tria on my hands, fingers, chest, and pits. My nails are kept a medium length but I take care of them. Still need to be serious about weight loss. I need to lose about 30 lbs.
I want electrolysis on my beard but can't pay for it right now. The only way Kaiser in San Diego will pay for it is as a part of transition. I think I'll accept hormones if offered. I'd like to try a low dose to see how I feel over time. I don't care if my breasts grow some, but not sure about a lot of growth, especially without electrolysis. I'm not sure of transition. I can't transition on the job without causing a you-know-what storm. So, I don't think that's possible at this time.
My therapist last time made a comment about peeling back the layers. I guess we're still doing that. I'm not a cut-n-dried transgender where you just "know".
Quote from: amandam on May 20, 2018, 12:28:56 PM
The need to crossdress is still minimal. Usually, I just wear something but don't dress to the nines. Not really having much desire for that, but don't have much private time either. The sexual component still exists. I'm still trying to see how much that will play out as I go along.
I'm still growing my hair, doing Tria on my hands, fingers, chest, and pits. My nails are kept a medium length but I take care of them. Still need to be serious about weight loss. I need to lose about 30 lbs.
I want electrolysis on my beard but can't pay for it right now. The only way Kaiser in San Diego will pay for it is as a part of transition. I think I'll accept hormones if offered. I'd like to try a low dose to see how I feel over time. I don't care if my breasts grow some, but not sure about a lot of growth, especially without electrolysis. I'm not sure of transition. I can't transition on the job without causing a you-know-what storm. So, I don't think that's possible at this time.
My therapist last time made a comment about peeling back the layers. I guess we're still doing that. I'm not a cut-n-dried transgender where you just "know".
I had my therapy session today and my therapist found out my femme name and asked me if she can call me by it. I immediately said yes without even thinking about it. She's helping me accept my being transgender. It's still new and scary to me, but I've also come to love me for who I am.
Quote from: amandam on May 20, 2018, 12:28:56 PM
but don't have much private time either.
Ahhhh Private time... AKA I don't have a live with all the "Have To's"
QuoteI'd like to try a low dose to see how I feel over time. I don't care if my breasts grow some...
"Been there, helps. Having always been..... zoftic, and a tad gynocomastic, "Hide what?"
QuoteI'm not a cut-n-dried transgender where you just "know".
Hmmmm.... You're here...... You probably "Know" something. Probably wish to God that it ain't so... "Know" it can't be, not now with all I have going for me...
I'm in a weird place.
I've been keeping my nails shorter recently. Just kinda get tired of them. I've also backed off on the Tria. I still shave the few hairs that grow in my Tria areas.
Then I had a weird experience today. Everyone was going out this afternoon except me. I thought "goody", private time. So I immediately dressed in a dress, bra, panties, mascara and lip gloss. Since my hair is growing over my ears and at the collar in the back, I decided to comb it in a more fem style. Then I would look in the mirror and tease it and smile at myself. I had two feelings at the same time: one, I liked it, and two, I felt kinda meh.
So, I logged into Youtube to watch some transgender videos. I watched one where this gay guy detransitioned. As a girl, he was really good-looking, hot even. But, he said as he went along he just felt like it was the wrong path. He decided it was more important to just accept himself as he is, a gay guy. He still likes to dress up on occasion but is no longer interested in transition.
So, I'm sitting there, just feeling meh. I didn't feel like there was any purpose in my dressing. So I just changed back into guy mode and went out to work on the yard. I just didn't feel anything. I don't know what to make of this.
I had similar feelings when I first started towards a binary trandition. The whole performative aspect of dressing felt to me as just as inauthentic as presenting male.
In my case I backed off the hrt and took low dose to deal with the dysphoria until I felt comfortable presenting as andro. I then just seemed to move progressively through further transition identifying as transfeminine and gender fluid. I now am close to progressing through BA snd GCS because I now know and accept that at my core, my soul is completely female. Along the way friends have followed snd supported me in my journey so it feels like it is coming together.
When I recently asked my therapist of some 5 years why had it taken me so long to do what others seem to achieve in months, she said that I had needed to learn to undererstand, respect and to love my self. She said that there is no time table or schedule .... "it will take as long as it takes. The journey is far more important than than the destination." I think that I now understand the truth of this.
Safe travels
Aisla
"she said that I had needed to learn to undererstand, respect and to love my self"
Maybe this is part of it. When i looked at myself with my hair that way, I liked it, but I also starting feeling weird. Maybe that feeling weird part was apprehension?
I got past the last "issue" I had. I purposely dressed up again and played with my hair. This time I was okay. But, last night I had a weird dream. There were two women with me. We raced to a store, they got in first because I didn't really try like they did. Then inside, there was only one available SA. She was helping them and wouldn't even answer one question for me.
I guess it was about a fear of "competing" with cis women, or fear that I can't be as good as them. I do have apprehension about growing out my hair now that it's longer. Maybe my apprehension about my hair and this dream is fear of what I'm doing. Or what I'm "potentially" doing. Fear of needing to go full time, or even GRS. The ups and downs of your emotions has to be the hardest part of this.
And I'm back. While writing the above post, I dressed in a chemise and panties. I locked the door as everyone else wasn't up. So, I was feeling A-ok. Looked at some trans before and after pics, read some trans blogs, etc. Nothing sexual. Didn't feel aroused at all and not looking at any porn, etc. Just feeling nice in my chemise.
So, I have to change and wtf, there is, excuse me for saying this, leakage on my panty. I never felt aroused at all, just having a nice feeling while dressed and researching transition.
I'm worried that this means, at it's core, my trans issues are ultimately sexual. I am bummed out and don't know what to do.
I read this post and want to help, along with everyone else. Here's my two cents, for what it's worth:
If you do all the macho stuff like martial arts, haven't you noticed that some practitioners get more spiritual over time? eg: The main character in the movie 'Road House' played by Patrick Swayze. In other movies too, hair gets longer, bandanas get worn etc.. all fitting in with your biker image no problem.
I got away with ( and still do ) all of that + a more Goth take on the rocker look - dyed hair, earrings, guy-liner, painted nails, boots with heels, women's jeans, unisex t-shirts/tops etc... I've even worn my hair in a ponytail, pigtails and braids. Nobody cares if you're wearing a Guns'n'Roses [insert your fav band instead here] t-shirt. It all works under a rock/alt/goth/hippie image. It's almost like acceptable cross-dressing in plain sight.
You could try some of that, it might lessen the dysphoria?
Personally, I could have rode that train forever, but it wasn't enough for me. I'm clearing the ground to go further and transition in the future if I still feel a strong urge to do so. I reckon it will be there, no matter if I resist, don't resist or try to ignore it. But having the rocker image for decades now, it won't be that big a step when it happens and people won't be that shocked. It might be only adding stockings, a skirt, and full-on make-up, at the end of the day.
I hope it all works out for you ;-) xx
I'm still being pegged as nonbinary. Therapist doesn't consider me "transsexual". I think I agree. I have transgender feelings but they ebb n flow. In other words, they are not strong enough to warrant a binary transition. When I started this process, I was willing to transition if needed n had the wife's agreement. But, the drive is just not there. Wanting to be women I see is not the same thing as being a woman mentally. I have enough transgender feelings to drive me batty, but not to push me into full transition.
The other side of this is how my anxiety escalated what my transness means. Anxiety can make mountains out of mole hills. But, some feminization/transition would be helpful along with the self acceptance that I am not cis but a "form" of trans.
This process has really helped me. I don't feel I'm going to hell for being this way. I don't fear I might have to transition, I would do it if it was needed. I don't feel as short-changed by life any more for being this way.
Self-acceptance n self-esteem are now the greatest gifts I can give myself. I guess that road will be long after years of fighting n hating this.
I am hopeful as I know the path to peace now.
No further progress on the spectrum. I dont know what to feel actually. I dont feel like a woman. I kinda feel like a guy but at the same time I know Im different. Im still only jealous of women whom I think look good. That cant be true transsexualism. I was growing my nails and hair to feel more fem, but now the nails are short. They seemed to become a hassle. Im also thinking of cutting my hair. Im not prepared to transition so on a 58 year old guy it just feels weird. I dont want a ponytail. I do have wigs n was thinking they're way more fem than my hair.
Over the last few months its been like my transness has backed off. I have had this happen before, years ago. Back then I was sure I was meant to be a woman, n then it seemed to die off. Possibly, its internal resistance, me fighting it. But if I was really trans, shouldnt I not be resisting? It seems to me that if I needed to transition, I wouldnt have these issues.
What your describing sounds line gender fluid/bigender. The one thing that puzzles me is on the people I have seen, the shift occurs in a time period of less than a few weeks. If your shifting, it seems to take months.
I am pretty sure you are transgender but that's not enough to know if a transition is right for you. We have members who for one reason or another put up strong resistance to transitioning. Jayne01 had about 4 previous accounts that were deleted because of the difficulty in facing a transition. She is now well on her way but she almost didn't make it this time. (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230041.msg2043474.html#msg2043474) Unfortunately the other posts that show the struggle she faced are in the dumpster but her fight was crippling until she was finally able to face herself.
Resisting is common and having varying degrees of dysphoria is also common. It's one of the reasons RLE is highly desirable as it reduces the chance of making a mistake.
I do have the weekly shifts, etc. you're talking about. It seems that one side will generally be more prevalent for months at a time, then the other side does - with "mini" shifts in-between.
I am indeed transgender, but not sure I'm "transsexual", i.e., need to transition. My therapist says no. Sometimes, I want to be, but I can see her point. I'm leaning toward I don't need transition. And if I don't need transition, do I need nails and hair fulltime? That's the stuff I'm thinking about.
Hi Amanda,
I sometimes feel manly, particularly when I leave the house, because I still present as male. At home, however, I live as a woman and this is when I feel content and at peace. In male mode, however, I can't even bring myself to imagine that I were female. It's not that I don't want to be a woman in male mode. It's just that when I'm dressed as a man I feel like I still have to play that part. On the inside, however, I'm still Danielle. I think this is because my true self is female, but I've spent so long in male mode trying to be a man that I don't know how not to when I'm presenting my male side. I hope this makes sense. I don't know if what you're going through is anything like what I've described, but a lot of what you've stated in your previous posts I can very much relate to.
Hugs!!!
Danielle
I guess the thing that's bothering me the most is my hair. I'm trying to grow it out and have it look decent. I want to brush it back in guy mode with maybe some gel. Kinda like you see older bikers do with it down to the collar. But the stupid wave in it is making it a mess. It still sticks out in different places even with gel. Then I have too much gel in it when I manage to get it to cooperate. And I live in a valley. The heat is making me miserable with sweaty hair and gel all over my neck. I spend more time hating my hair than liking it.
I also have hair that misbehaves at times and it tends to do it when the hair is longer. The solution is a round brush and a blow dryer. If you get your hair professionally cut, you can ask to be shown how to do it. Once you have worked with it a little bit you can pretty much make your hair do what you want without setting gels.
Quote from: amandam on July 17, 2018, 07:02:27 PM
No further progress on the spectrum. I dont know what to feel actually. I dont feel like a woman. I kinda feel like a guy but at the same time I know Im different. Im still only jealous of women whom I think look good. That cant be true transsexualism. I was growing my nails and hair to feel more fem, but now the nails are short. They seemed to become a hassle. Im also thinking of cutting my hair. Im not prepared to transition so on a 58 year old guy it just feels weird. I dont want a ponytail. I do have wigs n was thinking they're way more fem than my hair.
Over the last few months its been like my transness has backed off. I have had this happen before, years ago. Back then I was sure I was meant to be a woman, n then it seemed to die off. Possibly, its internal resistance, me fighting it. But if I was really trans, shouldnt I not be resisting? It seems to me that if I needed to transition, I wouldnt have these issues.
I feel uncertain like this a lot. I think gender and sexuality can meander around a great deal even if there is an overall direction its going in. Or think of line graphs where the line goes up and down even though there is a trend in one direction or another. I would certainly not discount internal resistance. You have a lifetime of socialization telling you you're not supposed to be this way. That is nothing to shrug off. Clearly, the work you've done, the way you've questioned, I would characterize you as trans in some way. Maybe that means non-binary as opposed to transitioning, and just incorporating some, but not all, elements of the feminine in your presentation and life. That is a legitimate choice.
My wife and I were talking. It seems like over the last 30 years that I've bounced back and forth with this many times. I move toward wanting nothing but fem and then it peters out. I cut my hair. It was bothersome living in hot valleys. I'm not sorry. I'm glad. My nails are short again. They were bothersome also. If I don't feel a strong pull to transition, why have them?
As you can see, it backed off again. I think I'm gender fluid.
QuoteSo, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?
Hey there! Thanks for sharing! :)
I have a very similar mindset. I cringe when I go out trying to look androgynous or female. I feel like a pathetic, stupid fool. I keep feeling like I need to act more male as some sort of apology for looking like I do and as a sort of automatic defence for when someone wants to remind me that I look like an idiot. A couple of my friends sometimes come shopping with me for clothes and they are often baffled or amused by how uptight I am in stores when shopping in the female section. I refuse to try anything on in the shop and if asked about sizing or what i want by a shop assistant I usually slip into the conversation that it's for a girlfriend, etc. I'm even worse when I'm with my actual girlfriend as I feel a double drive to act masculine so I don't disappoint her and make us both look like idiots. I'm quite masculine when I am wearing something feminine, it's some innate self-preservation drive to protect myself and people I care about I guess.
I also dislike people knowing that I dress up. So I haven't had my ears pierced and I haven't had my facial hair permanently removed because if I did people would know that I was trying to be something I am not. I only feminise myself with what can be removed at the end of the day in case people find out. It's a dumb strategy in retrospect because it only ever gets harder to feminise with just temporary stuff like clothes and makeup, i'm now at a stage whereby it would take some proper HRT or FFS to make me presentable. I can't just put on a wig and a dress like i could six years ago and look somewhat passable from a distance. You reach a stage where you can't polish a turd, essentially.
But the really effective stuff to achieve feminisation is, you know, kinda permanent and profound. But these would mean breaking my cover and outing myself as someone who is trans. And that feels horrifying as I remember the teasing I used to get from people when I was young and everyone thought I was a girl. I cringe at and hate the thought of having the same gender mocking from people but in the opposite.
Do you feel similar or a bit differently?
I think I feel different. I'm past the point of fighting it. I'm just not "feeling it" right now. I'm still using my Tria to remove hair and will not stop doing that. I'd also like to remove my beard. But, that is still safe to do if you want to present as a male. So, I have some fem traits that are always there, and then it ebbs up and then lowers down again.
Quote from: amandam on June 15, 2018, 11:48:57 AM
And I'm back. While writing the above post, I dressed in a chemise and panties. I locked the door as everyone else wasn't up. So, I was feeling A-ok. Looked at some trans before and after pics, read some trans blogs, etc. Nothing sexual. Didn't feel aroused at all and not looking at any porn, etc. Just feeling nice in my chemise.
So, I have to change and wtf, there is, excuse me for saying this, leakage on my panty. I never felt aroused at all, just having a nice feeling while dressed and researching transition.
I'm worried that this means, at it's core, my trans issues are ultimately sexual. I am bummed out and don't know what to do.
I had a very similar situation the other weekend after being on this site which I do not find sexual at all. This time I did have my nightgown on which is not unusual for me in the evenings or mornings.
I am seeing a councilor and trying to get a handle on myself because I spend too much time trying to figure out things myself. I am often questioning myself for not being "normal" or "typical" and set my mind at ease. I have read a lot of your post and we have a lot in common. Thanks for sharing.
Right now I believe that I'm not transgender enough to transition. I can't possibly see myself transitioning if I still look like a man in a dress. Sounds like too much to live with. Also, losing some family, income, etc. Does that prove I'm not? Or could I be transgender enough, but have just realized the battle is too tough for me?
You are or you aren't transgender. There isn't any such thing as not enough. What it most likely is you haven't yet figured out where you fit into the picture and that varies from person to person. I knew pretty quickly where I was going to end up but we have people on the site in their 60's who are somewhere in their transition. As long as you keep working at it, you will figure it out. Just don't give up hope because there is an answer out there somewhere.
I won't give up hope. I am glad that a lot of my anxiety about the whole thing has gone down. Now I can think more clearly. I won't say I will never transition. Right now I don't "think so". And that's enough for me at this point. Thanks. :)
I'm feeling more femme lately. I think it's becoming more clear. I've decided I'm not like cis women. I'm also not like cis men. I identify more with women than men, but, not completely. I could go as far as having breasts and hips, yeah, that would be fine. I'd prefer smaller breasts as well as shorter hair and nails. I don't think I'd opt for GCS. Maybe. Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want the hassles women go through with nails, hair, and vagina maintenance, lol.
One things for sure, I want to look like a woman when I dress. I hate seeing any manliness. When I dress I need to "feel like a woman" 100% if that makes any sense. The only way to achieve that is hair removal, weight loss, etc. You know the drill. This will help with my self-esteem, I'm sure.
I'm still trying to get a point of reference on this. Saying I'm like David Bowie is not exactly a good fit. I'm not a crossdresser either, yet, not quite a "transsexual". This is important to me because of my internal battle. It would be helpful for me to come up with a term to describe myself, so I can learn to like it. Being ambiguous isn't working for me mentally. I want this so I can develop some mantras to help my anxiety and depression.
It would be nice to say, "I'm xxx and I'm okay", or "I'm xxx and God loves me". Stuff like that. I'm not sure if genderfluid works as I may be just in the middle, and the only fluidity are my emotions about it. I've thought about the old term "transgenderist" but I'm not fulltime. I'm not sure about "nonbinary" as it seems a little nebulous. Maybe that's just the engineer in me talking. Any suggestions?
What luck! My new MD has extensive experience with trans people. She handled this for the VA at her last job. She has trans people in her family too. Oh my!
I forgot to mention. When she found out I had trans issues, she started treating me like a girl. I was SO happy. I liked it so much it has taken me aback. Not even my therapist does that. I mean it felt so good, I had to give her a hug when I left. :)
What a treat to have a new doctor that is knowledgeable and supportive of your being trans!
Quote from: amandam on August 03, 2018, 11:56:11 AM
It would be nice to say, "I'm xxx and I'm okay"
Would "I'm Amanda and I'm okay" work? :)
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 18, 2018, 11:36:23 AM
What a treat to have a new doctor that is knowledgeable and supportive of your being trans!
Would "I'm Amanda and I'm okay" work? :)
Yes! That works! And I also found a youtube video where the woman says don't ask if you should transition, because you can convince yourself one way or another and then unconvince yourself, and then flip-flop. She said instead, ask yourself what you want to experience. That makes a lot of sense to me.
Let's try that on for size, I want to experience:
Being thin like in my youth, effeminate, and I could see my hips. I was happier then. Don't like my "manly" body.
Being able to feel 100% female/being happy with my look when presenting female. No male hints.
Going out in public, shopping with no apprehension, etc. Don't have to pass, but want to present nicely.
Having breasts, small ones are a-ok.
I want to experience no beard or male-pattern body hair.
Well, look at that, I didn't ask myself if I need to transition. It's like needing or not needing to transition doesn't even matter. :)
Quote from: amandam on August 18, 2018, 01:16:22 PM
Yes! That works! And I also found a youtube video where the woman says don't ask if you should transition, because you can convince yourself one way or another and then unconvince yourself, and then flip-flop. She said instead, ask yourself what you want to experience. That makes a lot of sense to me.
Let's try that on for size, I want to experience:
Being thin like in my youth, effeminate, and I could see my hips. I was happier then. Don't like my "manly" body.
Being able to feel 100% female/being happy with my look when presenting female. No male hints.
Going out in public, shopping with no apprehension, etc. Don't have to pass, but want to present nicely.
Having breasts, small ones are a-ok.
I want to experience no beard or male-pattern body hair.
Well, look at that, I didn't ask myself if I need to transition. It's like needing or not needing to transition doesn't even matter. :)
Wow Amanda clearly you are well on your way to acceptance and possible transition now! (I have been following your story since the start).
I am so happy thrice that you have a trans experienced MD, that she treats you like a girl and for your latest description of your desired experience!
I wish to experience precisely the same as you!
Hugs
Pamela
Well, it's been one month since this post, and this is exactly how I still feel. I've been obsessing for awhile, searching for before and after mtf pictures. Pretty much everyday. There's a thought in the back of my head the whole time, "If I could be as successful as that one I would do it", or, "She is so lucky, I want to be her". I don't know what's achievable with transition for me, but somehow, I resist if I won't look right, or somehow, it's only a wishful fantasy. I haven't decided. I know at this point I don't want to be a man in a dress, but is that fear, or does it mean I'm not really a candidate for transition? I don't know the answer.
Quote from: amandam on August 18, 2018, 01:16:22 PM
Yes! That works! And I also found a youtube video where the woman says don't ask if you should transition, because you can convince yourself one way or another and then unconvince yourself, and then flip-flop. She said instead, ask yourself what you want to experience. That makes a lot of sense to me.
Let's try that on for size, I want to experience:
Being thin like in my youth, effeminate, and I could see my hips. I was happier then. Don't like my "manly" body.
Being able to feel 100% female/being happy with my look when presenting female. No male hints.
Going out in public, shopping with no apprehension, etc. Don't have to pass, but want to present nicely.
Having breasts, small ones are a-ok.
I want to experience no beard or male-pattern body hair.
Well, look at that, I didn't ask myself if I need to transition. It's like needing or not needing to transition doesn't even matter. :)
I don't want to be a man in a dress either but I have decided to publicly transition in 2019.
Go for it Amanda either in this year or next. Your previous post of August 18th says it all!
Hugs and happiness to you!
Pamela
Quote from: amandam on September 16, 2018, 01:38:57 PM
Well, it's been one month since this post, and this is exactly how I still feel.
That is very telling, Amanda. That means that you have accurately determined what you want. That is a big step, one that a lot of people wrestle with for a long time. So, well done on that!
Quote
I know at this point I don't want to be a man in a dress, but is that fear
Yes, it is fear. We all have that fear. The fears will go away as you gain confidence by going out as yourself.
I am 64. I was 62 when I started HRT and went full-time. And I can tell you that your goals are achievable. Well, the "no male hints" may depend on your bone structure. But certainly, all your other goals are achievable: I am living them every day now.
Thin: well thinn
er. I started practising portion control, and I actually have a waistline and hips now.
100% female and happy: yes, I am there.
Happy with my look: I can't see
him any more when I look in the mirror. I have good fashion sense.
Out in public, no apprehension: totally. Grocery shopping is just grocery shopping. I dress a little upscale compared to many ladies, but I see many other shoppers dressed like me.
Don't have to pass: that's my attitude, too. I don't mind if prople know or guess that I am trans, as long as they are nice about it. Most are. And, surprisingly, I am finding that I do seem to pass!
Breasts: After a year and a half, I can finally fill an A-cup. I'm good with that. I know women with smaller boobs than mine, so I'm not going to complain. And they are still growing, slowly.
I tell you this, not to brag, but to show that, even with a late start in life, your goals are totally realistic and achievable. It sound to me like you are ready to start getting out there.
Come on in, the water is fine!
Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to try. I have to fight with myself over some of these things, but I feel as though my depression and anxiety are linked to it. The more I move toward my goals, the better I think I'll feel.