Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Like many others here, I find that Susan's place is very helpful for me mentally, and emotionally while I am navigating these transitional waters.

I figured that it would be best to start a blog or journal of this process, as I find that it is very much therapeutic for me to write about my journey and thoughts and feelings as they happen which allows me to process them better.

I've been using my initial post kind of as my blog/journal. I won't repeat it. However you can find it in introduction under the title new here and outted. Here is the link to that.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,248029.0.html

I am very early on in my journey. I have always had thoughts and feelings that I wanted to be a girl/women since I was very young. I had tried a few things of my mother's clothing when I was in elementary school, as often as I found myself home alone.

As I grew these feelings and thoughts subside to an extent. They would come and go and I didn't think much of them. I was living life as many expected of me. The Traditional male role, which I had always felt didn't seem quite right or suitable for me.

As I aged these feelings became stronger and stronger, harder to ignore and repress. I was doing as many masculine things that I could do from bodybuilding and fitness, all the way to joining the military. Granted those were things I had passion about.i am still unsure if I did those things because I wanted to or if there was to an extent me trying to repress the feminine energy inside of myself. I often feel that it was both. I have been married 3 times now, and in a total of 4 serious committed relationships in my life. I often wonder if this side of myself that I was suppressing had any affect on why 3 of those relationships did not work out in the end. If that not being open and honest with them and myself and continuing to play the male role that was expected of me vs allowing myself to be my truest self had any affect on those relationships not lasting. It could have been many contributing factors to why those ended. Who knows. Just something I often think about so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

I am currently married, and my wife recently found out that I believe myself to be trans and wanting to explore this feminine side of myself. Again you can read all the details of that experience in the link I have provided earlier in this post.

I have scheduled a appointment with my primary care doctor through the v/a at the end of July (unfortunately that's the soonest available opening they have for a initial visit.) I plan on asking the doctor about what the v/a can do for me in terms of gender affirming care, and hopefully have a consult put in with an endocrinologist and or the local VA areas gender affirming care team, and or VA rep for getting that set up and moving. Mainly I want to ask about these service just so I have it in their notes and in their system that I am looking for those services.

I also have scheduled a video conference appointment with my VA local gender affirming care rep for later the same day, in which hopefully alot of questions will be answered and Hopefully get the ball rolling in which ever direction we ultimately decide is the best starting point for myself, and or getting the ball rolling on other things like hair removal, or voice training, etc.

I am eagerly waiting for my appointments, and as they get closes it seems to become all I can think about. Like I'm not really pressent in my day to day life. I wish I can share all these thoughts and feelings, and how much more I feel happy and less depressed as I accept who I am each day.

It's hard for me to communicate these things with my wife. I do not like confrontation, and right now I feel the best thing is to not rock the boat or make waves just yet.  I am always one to put my family and spouse's needs before my own, even if it leads to some very bad bouts of depression and sadness.
I'm not sure how to share these feelings of happiness and excitement when I know they will be taken to opposite way for her. My happiness is her worst nightmare and causes her much grief, stress, pain and sadness. How can I knowingly and willingly inflict that on her? I am hoping that my therapist can help with that, however I know that there is only so much I can do to help her, and that she ultimately has to do the work for herself.


So far we've been living life as it was before she had found out that I believe myself to be trans. Things are settling down a bit. We're slowly getting our new home together and making it more.like our home since the house fire we had in March. She is finally making some headway at work as well or at least it seems like it at the moment. Things are nice, but I still feel there the elephant in the room that were ignoring for the time being. Which is ok for now since I feel we both need a break from the constant stress and worry about what this means for our future.

I have been wearing more and more female underwear and or feminine looking underwear more openly around her and bed time, depending on the activity for the day or weekend and if we're kid free or not determines how open I am in wearing these things around the house. I have added shaving my face to my daily routine. I have been trying to focus on kneeling and sitting like a proper lady when ever I can, as well as sitting to urinate everytime I have to go no matter what. I have decided to try and let my hair grow out and see what becomes of it and how it looks even though I have a receded hairline on each side of my forehead and thinking up top and around the crown.

I plan to do a cleanse of my diet and all things I take nutritionally and supplements as well. I will revamp my workout routine so I am not training like a male body builder but rather like a woman, in hopes to ultimately lose some size and muscle mass in order to achieve a little more of a feminine frame. Granted this will take years to do safely and healthily.

I am currently sitting at a weight 208lbs at a height of 5 feet 8 in. I have a 34 in waist. Hips are 40 in, under bust is 42, chest or bust is 48 in, shoulders (measuring around outside not just straight across) is 52 in. My goal would be to have more of a healthy feminine proportional hip, waist chest ratio for my build. It will take a lot of dieting and exercise to make it a everyday life style habit. Which is nothing new to me. It will be however a lot of trial and error to figure out what works and doesn't work.

So far the next thing I have lined up is my next session with my therapist this Wednesday on the 19th of June. I know there is still much to do and that I am just starting out, but hopefully with these baby steps I will eventually be able to walk, and then run in the process of transitioning. Before you know it I will be a year down the road and I'm excited to see what kind of transformation I will have been able to achieve in that time, even though it will be an ongoing evolution of life and a ever constant transition. But if baby steps is all I can manage at this point then baby steps it will be. I know I will have to have and learn even more how to be patient, that Rome was not built in a day, but over many years. Just like I will be as long as I have a clear dream and vision of who I want to become I will eventually get there and become the woman I have always wanted and was ment to be.

Thank you for reading, I greatly value, appreciate and love you all.

Your journey is off to a great start!

It looks like you have all the right things lined up and ready to go. Now, as we learned in the military, it is "hurry up and wait" or "standby to standby".  ;D

Something I would like to share with you since you want to change your training regimen. This article is specifically for losing belly fat in post-menopausal women, but if you take in what they are saying about High Intensity Training, cortisol, and all of the things that shape our figures, there might be some useful tips in there.

https://progressyourhealth.com/how-to-lose-belly-fat-in-perimenopause/ (https://progressyourhealth.com/how-to-lose-belly-fat-in-perimenopause/)

Your experience may be different, but it is good-to-know info anyway.

@LoriDee thank you for the very informative article. As a male body builder I have and am guilty of still doing many of those. Lol

Unfortunately get more sleep and reduce stress is easier said than done. Lol. And I have been weight training 5-6 days a week for 24 years now, and doing cardio ( either slow steady for long duration or some sort of high intensity interval training at least 5 days a week or days I don't weight training legs.) I usually eat on average 6-7 meals a day each with a consistent amount of protein ( for example 7oz of chicken breast baked) and different amounts of veggies and or starch carbs depending on when the meal is intended to be eaten.

It will definitely be a very different approach than I am used to to say the least.

And yes. Hurry up wait. Never gets old. At least I don't have to be there an hour early for the platoon sergeant, to be 30 min early for the company first  sergeant, to be 15 min early from the original time that the commanding officer says I'm supposed to be there. Lol eventually you'll be just standing in formation from the previous evening if they had their way. Lol

Relationships are often difficult to navigate, and adding a possible transition into the mix takes it to a completely different level. It is possible to keep your relationship and transition, there are a few people at Susan's who have been successful. Like just about every long-lasting relationship, the keys are: go slow, listen, communicate. It's also helpful to have a partner who is open-minded.

A few weeks ago, Susan and I celebrated our 40th anniversary. There were many times I didn't think our relationship would survive. Several times I asked Susan why she stayed with me, after all the pain I had caused her through the years. Her answer was always the same -- 'because I love you'.

Good luck, Robby.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

@Jessica_Rose congratulations on your anniversary.

I hope that will be the case for me and wife one day.

Hey Robby,

Great to see you've started your blog. I think you joined the forums not long before me. Honestly, I can really relate to the issues you raise and it's really helpful to read that others are going through similar things. I'll be following your entry!

Hugs
Mandy

@Mandy Spencer yes it is very helpful to see how other navigate similar situations.

Today I had a session with my therapist via zoom during my lunch break from work. It went ok. Nothing bad or outstandingly great. Just ok. Mainly focused on life at home and with my wife, nothing else came up in terms of transition.

Just all things I know I and we (my wife and I) need to do and talk about. Some sessions seem to go really quickly and time runs out before you know it, and other times it drags and seems to last an eternity while you wait for time to run out. Today seemed to be about half and half. Some quick and the last 30 min not so much. Lol. Funny how time is so relative.

On a side note work is super slow due to a cyber attack on one of the systems we use or have a subscription to that we use their programming for the dealership. It seems to be world wide in reach of how many dealerships use this companies software program. Oh well... Who doesn't like standing around at work and not getting paid lol since most technicians are not hourly employees. Oh well. Just another day.

Updated my avatar picture. It's the only one that I have that can be resized to correct proportions and that doesn't show anything too revealing as to who I am, as well as me in female clothing. I apologize it's not more professional looking and that it's a bathroom selfie. I will try to take another that Meet the all the requirements and then some. But I feel for now at least this is a real picture of myself and not one of the generated ones to choose from.

Shirt and jean shorts are from born primitive athletic clothing company for men and woman, wig is short cut light brown and with high lights off Amazon. I am also wearing press/glue on eye lashes, light foundation, a bit of eye liner and mascara, with lip gloss that's colored. Granted you can't see it, but It was on. One of the few times that I could not help but smile when looking in the mirror, and or taking selfies.

Love the pic.  I was into seriously into bodybuilding when I was younger - pre social media really - 80's and 90's. Obviously there are many powerful female bodybuilders who look awesome. Back then it was people like Cory Everson and Mary Roberts ruling the roost - powerful but seriously sexy women. When I saw your pic somehow Mary Roberts came to mind.

Mary Roberts.png

@Mandy Spencer thank you. I'm finding out more and more that it's a real common thing that male athletes and bodybuilders transition. It gives me hope that I can be feminine, retain some sexy muscle and become as some say an Amazon goddess lol.

Yes I love those icon women of the 70s, 80s and 90s in bodybuilding and fitness.

Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 20, 2024, 03:51:45 AMLove the pic.  I was into seriously into bodybuilding when I was younger - pre social media really - 80's and 90's. Obviously there are many powerful female bodybuilders who look awesome. Back then it was people like Cory Everson and Mary Roberts ruling the roost - powerful but seriously sexy women. When I saw your pic somehow Mary Roberts came to mind.

Ahh, Corry Everson! Drop dead gorgeous woman from my body building days. I haven't heard her name in 30years.

Cory.png

Yes, time flies- I had male role models like Frank Zane, and Arnold obviously, but deep down I always wanted to look like Cory  :D

Hi, Robby, and welcome to the group. I read your original "blog", then got caught up here. Here are a few thoughts that came to mind as I read about your desires and concerns. Forgive me if you've moved on from some of this thinking; I wrote down my thoughts as I read from the beginning. Here they are, in no particular order:

To one of your early points: no one made you this way. It's not something "wrong' with you. CIS men don't feel this way. And it's normal to not know what you are or to think you're weird. It's especially normal to feel guilty - about everything. Unfortunate but true.

Turning to erotica is a common coping mechanism but it leads to shame and guilt. Unfortunately, that can really cloud our feelings about ourselves ("I'm not trans; I'm just a pervert"). I struggled with that for a long time and it's something I'm still working through. Meeting lots of trans people who felt the same way really helps.

Regarding her suspicion of your cheating, why do you think she feels this way? Do you see any reason for her to lose trust in you? Is there any chance she feels guilt about something and is projecting that onto you?

HRT doesn't definitely destroy function in all cases. I stopped having spontaneous erections but can still get aroused relatively easily and I'm able to reach a full level of arousal. The lack of nocturnal erections and the overall lower level of activity has resulted in a size reduction but like you, I welcome it. I'll be celebrating 2 1/2 years of pharma HRT in a couple of days and I'm fully able to perform, despite have zero sexual activity with my long-term partner.

Many partners come around. Some get closer to their partners in every way. Some become best of friends, while others split up. Giving her time and space to process always seems best. I made the mistake of trying to tell her everything up front, rather than giving her time to process the initial news. I'd had my "secret" bottled up for so long that I couldn't hold back. In retrospect, I should have taken it slower. She was stunned but has gotten used to/accepted more than I ever thought she would. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.

Some partners are even attracted to the idea of their partner transitioning and they might feel a sexual charge from it (could be the reason for the intense lovemaking you described). But of course, they feel guilty about it, because some societal rules suggest what we are is forbidden. If you're lucky, you can both work through those feelings and your sex life might actually be *better* than before.

If you consider self-harm, please know there are always other options. There's us and others you can talk to but if you're really in distress, you must take advantage of help lines and chats you can use to get support when you're at a critical point.

Therapy is really important - you need someone to listen and also help you interpret your feelings and guide you to a better understanding of yourself. I'm glad you're pursuing that.

There will be cycles - of acceptance and rejection, of good moods and bad ones. Of being "ok with it" and not. HRT might increase the intensity of those cycles. Reminding yourself that there are good times to offset the downtimes and trying to retain perspective is critical.

The way I describe my current state and what I've done is this: I started this transition because I could no longer stand *not* doing anything about my feelings and desires. It has been difficult and will continue to be hard, but I've found a deep sense of self and satisfaction that I didn't think was possible. You may find that inertia takes over, that every step down this path increases your desire to proceed further. This is something you have to consider very carefully before starting HRT in particular. It's like getting poison ivy and scratching that first itch.

I started with herbal estrogen, which caused minor changes and led to a blood clot, which could have killed me. I added finasteride because I was hoping to mitigate years of hair loss. Despite being on a high dose, I didn't have any fog, depression or other mental side effects but I did have increased breast development, which was a welcomed effect. We usually hear more about the rare side effects than the numbers bear out, but I'm not telling you that you *won't* have them, just that they're not super common. Finasteride helped my hair to regrow, estradiol took it to the next level and recent hair transplant surgery seems to have gotten me across the finish line.

There's no way to predict the level of development you'll get from HRT. For certain, you'll have some sort of breast development, body fat distribution and loss of muscle mass, skin changes and more, but breast development in particular is a roll of the dice. Most end up with smaller breasts than the women on their mother's side. It's possible your breasts will become too big to hide. I'm mostly closeted and my breasts are quite big. Something you need to carefully consider - don't make the mistake of assuming you won't change in ways that are difficult to conceal.

There's a great (2017) documentary about a trans feminine bodybuilder, called "Transformer." You might enjoy it.

@Courtney G

Thank you for the very insightful and honest response.

As for cheating or her feeling like she has reasons to think I am. I know she feels like my phone is a big issue. I'm rarely on it when I'm with her or at home. And if I am I'm finish what I'm doing so I can be present and give who ever all my attention. She has some insecurities, as I'm sure we all do. She's been cheated on before in the past and so I have I. I have even gone as far as removing all females I used to know or followed on social media to not give her any reason as to think anything. Most recently I deleted my Instagram account, now all I have is Facebook since thats how I see what goes on with family. I have often wondered if she is accusing me of something bc she feels guilty about doing it herself. But I have not found any evidence of that.

Our intimacy is few and fsr in between it seems but when it does happen it's always good. If she has some sexual charge from it she hasn't given any indication of why she is more sexual charged. But then again maybe she's getting turned on else where and engaged with me for the final end result (so to speak) but again haven't seen or found any evidence of that.

I hope we're able to work through this all. I believe she is very concerned with what social implications that could happen with me transitioning. I feel that she is almost more concerned with all the negative possibilities of me transitioning than she is the health of our relationship and to be honest my health and well-being. I know she loves me and cares about me, but when it comes to this subject as of right now I feel it's social implications, our relationship and then my health, if I were to list what I think her priorities are (on the subject of me being trans) I could be wrong tho, but we never talk about it so I don't really know where she is at or what's she's thinking and feeling.

We plan to start couples therapy here in a few weeks (but she wants it to be just about our relationship issues and not me being trans for at least the initial sessions) I'm almost positive we will have to switch to another therapist once they discover they're dealing with a trans individual. Most regular therapists have not experience in those subjects. Which I'm sure there will be resistance with that.

I feel like Im getting to the point of I need to do something more than what I'm doing. Like possibly start a herbal transition first before getting hrt. Maybe that might be a good experiment to see how my wife would react or tolerate things.  I know that route is not safe, and has its risks. I did try p.m. for about a month but stopped due to digestive issues. And then I was on b.o. for a week but I did not notice anything for either in terms of feminine affects. I was not on them long enough or at the right dose. I did buy a large quantity of b.o. and pituitary glandular if I do decide to go herbal first. Swanson's had a awesome sale so I couldn't pass on buying in bulk. Lol but now I'm just tempted everyday to start that. Lol

Yes I have seen that documentary. I have even spoke with Janae via zoom once when I was reaching out to people to ask their advice and experiences and suggestions. It was very enlightening.

So we have a vacation coming up here in a few weeks. We will be going back to the east coast to visit her family. Recently I have been letting my hair grow out for almost a month and half now, which the top even tho it's thin I feel it's about 3-4 inches long and the sides are around a 1 inch or so.  I've been shaving my face daily even sometimes twice a day.

I feel torn. I want to continue to grow my hair and shave but I also feel I owe her a good vacation with her husband as she knows him. It could very well be our last vacation before I transition and things change. I know my hair will grow back and what not and it's not hard to shave again. I just wanted to get my hair growing since I know it takes a really long time to get any real length.

Granted I don't care for how much it shows off my thinning and receeding hair. I feel I look better with trimmed facial hair and skin faded shorter hair cut for me as a guy.

So I'll be getting a hair cut and letting my facial hair grow back out for this vacation and we will see how things are.

Hair does grow slow. A hair stylist friend of mine said 4-6 inches a year. I haven't cut mine in 2 years and it just now creeping down my back. As far as HRT, i would suggest go with the real E and forget those herbals. If you like there are places like Plume on line and very discreet. Usually they start you at a very low dose and slowly increase it over a year or more. Gives you and your body time to get used to it and see if this is what you really want to do. Have a nice time on vacation.

@Gina P

Yes I have considered plume and folx and I think there is another place that's more local that I could go in person.

I am just very torn. I feel every step I take towards transitioning I take as many steps away from my marriage and everything I hold dear. But at the same time I know I can't keep living my life playing this role that everyone expects of me.

I know the herbal stuff is a waste of time and is hit or miss. Mind as well use that time on herbals just being on HRT. I just know hrt is a big deal for my wife. I feel herbals.would be not as big of a deal, like a entry level stuff to transition which might help it be easier for her when I say I want to switch from herbals to hrt, especially if she feels the changes are positive ones.

I really hate these slow days in between all the mile marker days so to speak. Just living the daily grind, Continuing to play the role expected of me just really drags me down, and over time makes me feel unsure and doubt myself even still.

Even after all the very positive days of affirmation, of being a woman seems to come and go in waves. Right now I feel as if the tide is receeding back into the ocean, which is where I find my lows, and lack of motivation and even doubt in myself in who I think i am.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has ever had these feelings and issues of feeling and knowing so strongly that I'm a woman one and and then over the course of a week or doubt starts to creep in.

How do you cope or deal with it. Obviously if I still have days of doubt then I'm definitely not ready to do anything life altering obviously.i just don't know if it's real doubt or lack of progress causing this feelings and thoughts of what if...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Robby,

First off, that is perfectly natural. It doesn't just apply to transitioning. Think of preparing for a competition. The doubt creeps in. Am I good enough to compete with these experts? Can I win?

Even in healthcare I sometimes wonder if I need that drug/surgery/medication. What if I don't? Maybe there is a better way to do it.

When I first got my diagnosis, I did not accept it because I did not thoroughly understand it. Then as I accepted it, it still took me two years in therapy questioning every aspect of it. I kept asking the psychologist, "How do you know _________ is about me?" Then he would refer to a previous discussion we had that addressed that issue. With my questions answered, I was ready to begin.

My psychologist told me to just trust the process. It is slow for a reason. Not everyone transitions at the same speed or to the same extent. As you stated, this is your life, so it is prudent to be cautious. Human beings suffer from homeostasis; they resist change. This is why weight loss is difficult for many people. But perseverance gets them through it.

Continue talking with the therapist, continue on your path, and do what you know is right for you. At some point, you will decide that you have reached the "enough" stage, where you are comfortable in your own skin and there is little more to do. It might happen with as little as occasional underdressing, or it might happen after you have had all the surgeries. Everyone needs something a little different. That is what makes us individuals.

Hang in there, Sis. You got this.

@LoriDee thank you for your guidance, and advice. I'm so very thankful to have wonderful people like you and everyone else here to help those of us who are just starting out. I am blessed to have so many mentors on here to help me along my journey.

And that is why we are here. I am no expert, but we all have little bits of wisdom to pass along. Sometimes things get confusing and someone explains it, but you don't get it. Then another person says basically the same thing but it clicks and then you understand. Then you pass on what you have learned to the next new member. Gotta love this place!  :)

It's been a little while since I've posted. Here is a little update for months of July.

My wife and I went to visit her family in the beginning of the month in Massachusetts. I wanted to give her at least one more summer and or vacation that's normal, and by normal I mean no presence or remote thoughts of me being trans and wanting to become a woman. I figured why not,.the least I can do for her since I love her, and obviously I didn't want anything to come up especially in front of her family, since her and I don't even know what the future is for that specific topic.

Anyways the trip was good. She mainly went to see her step dad who has cancer and try to visit her brother who also has cancer. The trip was.mainly.for her to see her family one last.time while everyone is still in good/decent health.

She got to spend time with some good friends of hers (one of which I said that she has my permission to tell her about me being trans if she needs to, since she really has no one to talk to about it) she told me she felt that she didn't need to. So as far as I know her friend doesn't know yet.

We got to go visit Salem where the witch trials happened. That town is like Halloween City all year round. Everything is based on that part of their history. So many shops selling witch stuff, Halloween stuff, crystal shops, tarot readings, scary monsters and just about anything you can think of. Surprisingly enough salem is very LGBTQ friendly. Every shop had a flag hanging in their windows just about. Which I thought would have been a trigger for my wife (since we've been Ignoring me being trans for the time being for mutual co habitation and reduce stress from day to day) but she didnt seem too phased by it or at least didn't let me see it.

We went to an Alanis Morissette concert while she was there touring in mass. We got there late and missed the first two bands but we got to see Joan Jett perform as well as Alanis. Traffic getting to the concert was stupid crazy. I learned a new word for bad drivers that are from Massachusetts. They're called Mass-holes. Lol

We spent a day at the beach with her two friends. It was not bad. I think it was Hampton Beach. Got an ice cream Sunday on an elephant ear. Omg it was so good.

Another day we went to the town were the proposal was filmed. Didn't know it was actually filmed in this sea side town that's in Massachusetts. I forget the name something like Rockport. I'll ask my wife and clarify it later.

The rest of the time we just visited with her family, on their 7 acher farm (used to be a farm but her mom and step dad are older now and can't keep up with having animals and what not.) they just have plants and keep things from getting over grown.

It wasn't bad at all. The week we came back I got sick with something. And have been dealing with it till present.first started with body and muscle aches. Then my mouth got really sore, throat sore, lymph nodes sore. Finally by the end of it, it.mainly became just my entire.mouth, gums, teeth and throat being sore and inflamed. Dr thought it was strep. To.me.it reminded me of mono, but all negative, even COVID tested and that was negative as well. I guess I seem to get sick when I travel. Oh well I seem to be getting better and am past the worst of it.

As for everything else my wife and I are good. I feel like I am doubting myself more.and more. Not sure if I am really trans or not. I gave up on therapy for the time being. All he wants to talk about is my Marriage issues and which I know I have horrible communication skills, want to find out what I am, who I am,.what my truth is.

So yeah. I just don't want to talk about my marriage and what I know needs to happen. I want to find answers out about myself. If I don't find answer about myself how will I ever be able to tell my wife what's going on and what I want and need from our relationship if I don't even know my own truth. I'm back to thinking that I'm gay and ashamed and in denial of it, and becoming a woman is the only way I can see that it is acceptable to be with another man sexually. I just don't know, And with my past sexual abuse as a child with my first sexual experience being with another male (I took on the role of a female) I don't know if that influenced all this in the first place and that makes everything more confusing and complicated. I honestly don't know what to think. I thought I was past that way of thinking but I guess not.

So as one can expect I'm having so serious doubts right now. I even wanted to cancel my.appointment with the VA trans spokesman that was supposed to get the process started for me with the VA, but they had to cancel. So it didn't happen bc of they could not make the appointment for what ever reason. I have not rescheduled it yet and I'm not sure when I will reschedule it or if I even will.

I have been off male hormones for a few months now (since April May time frame), and i am seeing myself become weaker, smaller, and I feel more fragile and frail. I have always said I hope I die Young so I dont have to grow old and see myself become weak and frail compared to what I once was. I know that's apart of life and growing older. We all can't hold onto our youth as much as we wish we could, And that thought has me really considering getting back on testosterone at the minimum to regain some strength and size. I know that would defeat everything I have been trying to do and prepare my body for by getting off all hormones and letting my body return to its normal balanced level. I just don't know. I'm doubting everything. I'm at a point where I think I may try to repress this all again especially since the feelings have subsided from what they were. They have come and gone all my life, and since they're not as strong right now, and I am in doubt of everything I'm thinking maybe I should just try to to ignore it and go back to try to return to living life as I once did up until I started to have this identity crisis. And yes I know that is not the healthy thing to do.

I am and always have been someone that does not like to fight or have confrontation. So all my life I have just held my tongue and or not completely been open and honest with who I am with everyone in my life. Especially once a relationship has developed I'd rather be quiet and not communicate or be honest with who I truly am to spare the people in my life that I have come to love any hurt. Granted I know I will be only causing even more hurt by not communicating. I feel this is prob the lesson I am here to learn this life time is how to speak my truth, and I am failing at it horribly. As of right now I don't ever care to learn this lesson. I'm clearly not mature enough for.many things in my life that I have considering the attitude I have.

And with all this I find myself back to just existing in life and not living. I am no longer passionate about the things I once was. I feel like I'm just here waiting for the day that I am not here anymore. I am struggling big time right now.

Robby,

First, I am glad your vacation was good and without incident. And you are feeling better after a bout of the "Travel Flu".

I would encourage you to follow up with the VA. You do not need to talk to the LGBTQ Care Coordinator if they are not available. If you have a Primary doctor there, talk to them and ask for a Mental Health consult. The VA is VERY trans-friendly and all healthcare providers receive extensive ongoing training. Your Primary will get you to the right person to talk about these things. Focusing on YOU is the right answer and the way you are feeling needs to be addressed.

If you do not have a Primary doctor there yet, get one. All you have to do is make an appointment to see a Primary Care doctor. They will assign you to a PACT group (Patient Aligned Care Team). That will include your Primary, Mental Health, Endocrinology, Pharmacy, Labs, and everything you need.

Mental Health can help you handle stress and anxiety. They can help you explore your gender identity and help you find the answers you seek. Your Primary can address general health, such as feeling weak and frail. They can refer you to Endocrinology to monitor your hormones and recommend the appropriate steps. You are not alone, and you are not the first one to step through their doors with these types of issues. Please make the call this week and schedule an appointment. You only make yourself miserable by waiting, and that affects you and everyone around you.

If you need help getting in touch with someone, PM me. I will make it happen. If you have questions or need advice, I got you. Take care and don't spend much time on questioning yourself right now. You have time to sort things out.

Thanks Lori Dee. You always seem to know exactly what to say.

I know I should go through the VA mental health since I know it would be free vs paying out of pocket like I have been.

I just had my first primary care visit since having relocated to AZ, and never having transfered from my old primary. My Dr is nice. She's a older lady, there were many things I wanted to inquire and ask about. But I froze and didn't mention any of them. I hate going to hospitals and or having to be seen myself for anything. I had gone to the e.r. 2 weeks ago for this sore throat cold flu thing I had, and just by luck I had my primary care initial visit two weeks after. By the time she asked what else she could do for me I just wanted to get out there and be done with it.so I said nothing at all about wanting to seek out trans health care services, or mental health,or medication for my thinning hair. None of it. And knowing myself I don't think I'd care too much to have to constantly go in for one appointment or another on a weekly or monthly basis if I were to start to do mental health or have to be monitored for any future trans health care I might receive, blood work, follow up appointments etc.

I am one of those people that of I had cancer or some terminal illness, id rather be ignorant about it till I die from it, vs knowing about it and having constant visit and tests done for treatment which would only cause me to have a lesser quality of life till I die vs having a normal shorter but higher quality of life till I die from hypothetical illness.

Granted I know that's an extreme example, and its not even close to comparing apple to oranges, but that's how.i am when it comes to dealing with anything medically for myself.

I don't know if I am afraid to openly ask for those things and it go on record. Once things go on record they seem to become permanent and then that's how people think or perceive of you even if things change and it's no longer relevant.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just scared commit to it, bc if I do then I'd have to admit alot.of things to myself that I don't want to or am not ready to accept. And once that happens theres no going back and I have to accept everything that comes with it for all aspects of my life (marriage, social relationships, work etc).

I am not brave enough to do so yet.

Robby,

I totally get it. My brother is an MD and he calls it "White Coat Syndrome". I get it too: anxiety right before an appointment.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 29, 2024, 04:02:05 PMI don't know if I am afraid to openly ask for those things and it go on record. Once things go on record they seem to become permanent and then that's how people think or perceive of you even if things change and it's no longer relevant.

Here is the thing about that. Yes, it is entered into your CONFIDENTIAL medical records. No one, except your healthcare providers, has access to that. They NEED to know to treat you correctly. Both medically and professionally. You don't have to say, "Hi, I'm trans!" Because you are not certain that is true. If you tell your Primary that you are having a lot of stress issues, but don't want to discuss them, they would suggest you talk to Mental Health. End of that discussion.

Then with Mental Health, they will want to know some history to try to understand what you are feeling and why. That happens at the speed you are comfortable with. I was seeing my Primary and my psychologist about once every six months. Once on hormones, they start out monitoring about once a month. If everything looks good they stretch it out to 3 months, then six months, then even a year out. Is that something you could handle?

Keep in mind that the status of transgender does not get entered into your records until you agree to it. They will ask you what your preferred name is, your preferred gender, and even what name you go by. That does not get entered into your records until you allow it.

Part of what you are experiencing is "fear of the unknown" because you are new to the area and new to the VA doctor. Get to know them, they will treat you right. Let them get to know you. Baby steps. You don't have to do a big reveal if you are not ready.

When I talked to my doctor, I asked her about the VA's policy on hormone therapy. She explained the policy and then asked if that was something I might be interested in. I said yes, and she said she would need to send me to Mental Health first, then she could get started for me. I had already been seeing a psychologist there for stress and anxiety issues, so she sent me back to my same psych doctor. My point is that it is a slow and easy pace. They know you are uncomfortable talking about personal issues. They are sensitive to that.

I understand your reluctance, I really do. But I am concerned that you are struggling with this and trying to do it on your own. Veteran to Veteran, I am asking you to not do it alone. It will be hard at first, but I promise you it will get easier. I have been going to the same clinic for so long now, some of the nurses and I are friends. They stop and say hello, maybe chat for a bit because they know me. Wouldn't that be nice to have friends who are professionals who know what you need and are there to help you? Don't let the fear of the unknown stop you from being happy.

If I was there, I would go with you to your appointment as a support person. The VA allows that. If you can get in touch with the LGBTQ contact, they will go with you to your appointment. The staff will do whatever they can to make it easy for you. They are there to take care of veterans because you earned it. They will treat you with respect or I will fly down there and kick over their trash cans. I know exactly who to call to file a complaint and that person will lose their job.

You can do this. You have been through worse, so I know you can handle it. Let me know if you need help.
 

@Lori Dee,

 Thank you. I'm going to let myself sit and dwell on this for a bit. Hopefully I can reach more of a calm and stable mindset, and then I will reach out to my primary care doctor through the my health vet secure messaging system. At least that way it is not face to face.

And no I don't think once a month or every 3 months to twice a year appointment are too much. I feel like I barely have enough time as it is trying to do what I have currently been doing, yet alone having more appointments I will prob have to take off work for. But that's just another excuse. I guess right now it's not as much of a priority to me yet or I'd find the time and make it happen. This is exactly what I mean. I'd rather live in my current state than have to go to uncomfortable awkward appointments even tho in the long run it will do me good.

I understand. Using Secure Messaging is a great way to communicate with your providers!

Just as long as you know that you have the resources available when you are ready.

Take care of yourself and be safe.

I contacted my primary care doctor through the secure messaging system. I explained how I am not a good advocate for myself and that I dislike having to do anything when it comes to going to the hospital etc.

I said I was interested in seeing mental health specialist specifically for trans/gender identity issues, and also would like to know more about what the VA offers for trans/gender affirming care and how the process works if I eventually wanted to seek that care in the future.

I also mentioned some other health concerns of mine that I failed to bring to her attention while I was there.

Just waiting for a response from her or one of the nurses on her team.

I did have my letter saved as a draft for a bit, but now that it's sent off and official I can't really see what I was afraid of, but I'm in limbo waiting for a response so I guess my fear will now be more about what may come with now having "opened this can of worms" officially, especially with me having been in the mind set of making excuses to not deal with or to delay the process because I'm comfortable not having to do the hard work in terms of self reflection and what might happen good or bad after the reflection period is over and it's time for action.

Hi Robby,

You did the right thing! I am glad that Secure Messaging provided a means to contact your doctor and ask for answers and help. You won't need the draft copy as all messages are archived and you can log in and view them so you know exactly what you said or asked.

Since you brought up several issues, you can expect an appointment to see a Mental Health provider. Be honest with them so they can answer your questions and make the correct recommendations. Your primary care physician may also make an appointment for labs to check hormone levels, such as vitamin levels, liver enzymes, thyroid, kidneys, etc. This is important information for them, so down the road, as changes are being made (hormones for example), they have a reference to compare to.

I am very proud of you for taking this first step. I know it is hard, but if you embrace it you will find it is not nearly as bad as you imagined, and the result will be a happier you no matter what you decide to do (transition or not). It is always good to have someone in your corner who knows what you are going through mentally and physically. If you get squeamish at the last minute before your appointment, remember that the LGBTQ Care Coordinator will go with you as a support person and advocate. If you need it, reach out to them. That's their job.

Good luck. I look forward to hearing some good news about how it is going.

Hugs!

Thank you Lori Dee.

Primary care Dr will be setting up a consultation for me to get in touch with mental health specialist.

As well as gave me options for the other health concerns I had inquired about.

Yes, New England is very LGBTQ friendly.
The Big E has gender neutral rest rooms.

Hi Robby

You have my thoughts and well wishes with you as you take the steps that are needed.  Lori I know has your six and I will be here to support you in anyway that I can.

I'm happy that you have taken the first steps and I hope your dreams come true.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@LoriDee
@Robbyv213

@Sarah B thank you. You are one of many pillars of strength and support here.

@Maid Marion yes I was quite surprised in a good way how many places were LGBTQ friendly

VA mental health scheduled for Sept 12th. Over a month away. I will continue to see my current therapist for the time being. Unfortunately the VA does not work with my current therapist so I will have to start over with the new one.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 01, 2024, 01:26:11 PMVA mental health scheduled for Sept 12th. Over a month away. I will continue to see my current therapist for the time being. Unfortunately the VA does not work with my current therapist so I will have to start over with the new one.

That was my experience too. I signed some papers to give my therapist permission to send his notes to my VA Psychologist. My Psychologist said he wasn't interested in reading someone else's opinion. He said each has their own method of doing things, so we started from scratch. But it was worth it.

Working with a new therapist won't be a new "start from the beginning" experience.  You've already worked through a few things.  Makes it easier the second time.  I think you'll be fine, dear.

My VA therapist was more concerned with the symptoms of drastic dysphoria and the risks of self harm than the history lesson.  She took as a given that I knew what I was and what I needed.  So many of us can't dig ourselves out of the depths of despair (jumping off the cliffs of insanity).  She supported transition immediately, but the VA really limits the medical response but actively supports "presenting" skills like voice coaching and prosthetics.  They'll be kind and helpful, happy to do what the law allows.  I've never been so affirmed as when I'm in the Women's Clinic being treated, so completely accepted.

Of course each of us have individual needs and triggers, and you women are not this woman, but I think likely "we are all individuals, just like everybody else."  Enjoy the journey!

Quote from: D'Amalie on August 01, 2024, 03:56:26 PMWorking with a new therapist won't be a new "start from the beginning" experience.  You've already worked through a few things.  Makes it easier the second time.  I think you'll be fine, dear.

I had not thought of that, but you are exactly right!
Any therapy you had before is not wasted or thrown out. We learned something from it.

Thanks, D'Amalie for pointing that out.

Yes therapy so far has most definitely helped, and not a waste. I just ment start over in terms of forming a new relationship with a stranger and going to therapy sessions long enough for them to form their own opinion and diagnosis, vs having a therapist that already supports me in starting HRT when I am ready to do so.

I just fear that the new therapist might come to a different conclusion and not support any form of treatment/transition. But only time will tell, and if we go over the same issues and topics as my non VA therapist covered than I don't see why the out come wouldn't be the same, but you never know I guess.

Have no doubts that the VA will reach the same conclusions. With the VA, the patient is in charge. They work for the veteran. Even if he says something different, you can still request HRT. If he says no, I'll go kick over his trash can.  ;D  He won't say no. Relax.

Lol thanks @Lori Dee. I don't see them not coming to the same conclusion but I'm a realist and usually glass have empty kind of person. I always leave room for any and every possible outcome.

And yes I think I'd love to see you kick over some trash cans just for the fun of it. Lol

I don't see the glass as half-empty. I see the glass as too big. A smaller glass would make it full.  ;D

So yesterday was def a milestone for me. I'm not sure what came over me or why I have been fixated on trying to find a bra that fits and is comfortable to wear all day under my work clothes. Anyways I have taken my own measurements at home based on all the info out there on the internet web. My measurements are 44 under bust, and 48 bust. Sometimes I can get as low as 41 underbust depending on arm position and if it's first thing when I wake up.

Based on that information my band size should be 44, and the difference is 4 inches from bust and underbust so that should put me at a d cup (even tho I don't have any actual breast tissue.) so after trying a few bras from Amazon and most were ok but not something I could see myself wearing all day in a auto shop. Even tried like cotton racer back sport/beginner bras but most companies don't make a size that fits me.

Anyways yesterday during my lunch break I decided to leave the dealership and go down the street to the mall and walked into Victoria secrets and said I was interested in a bra fitting/sizing for myself. Just about every you tub person or forum says at some point you should get sized by a professional. So that's what I did.

It was pretty scary. Picture a 5'8 guy that weighs 200 and muscular in a dry fit tank top and dirty work pants, facial hair and all walk into a Victoria secret for a bra sizing.

Anyways I was going to walk right past the store but I decided to go in and I was going to just walk and look around like I was shopping for my wife. But there was a store associate right there at the front folding clothes, and as you would guess the young lady asked how I was doing and if there was anytjing she could do to help me or find something for me.

I'm not sure what came over me but I replied saying that I was there interested in getting sized for bra for myself and quite surprisingly she didn't really even bat an eye and she was pretty much ready to do so right there on the spot but after I had said that I guess that's when the adrenaline started to fade and fear kick in and I asked if we could size me In a fitting room or somewhere more discreet and not in the entrance of the store lol.

So I got sized in the hallway of the fitting room area and I'm not sure how Victoria's secret does their sizing or calculation but the young lady said that from my measurements she put me at a 42 d. The only difference between how she measured and I measured was she did the underbust under my arms and over the top of my chest versus under my chest where the actual band of the bra would sit on my rib cage or diaphragm.

She asked if I wanted to try a bra on which in hindsight I guess that probably would have been the best thing to do so we can dial it in and figure out if that's actually a good size for me or if I need to go up or down but at that point I was starting to freak out a little bit and I was also on my lunch break and didn't want to be late coming off of lunch to get back to the dealership.

So I declined to actually try on a bra but later when I had some down time I ordered a bra off their website so when that comes in I can try it on and if it doesn't work out I can always return it on one of my lunch breaks.

Something I never thought I would be able to do anytime soon and I actually did it long before I actually have any breast growth whatsoever. I just know for men that it seems to be more difficult because we have obviously larger band sizes and not much of a chest to fill a cup so we would have a large band with a small cup size typically so that's why I wanted to get my size done professionally.

All in all it was not too bad of an experience luckily it was during lunch time and the mall wasn't too busy and the store wasn't really all that busy either.

Yesterday I also found out that the VA mental health psychiatrist is pretty much basically like my primary care doctor but for trans or gender affirming care issues. I wasn't quite sure how it worked but the VA spokes person explained that once I see and have my initial visit with mental health that mental health can make the appropriate referrals to Endo, and or what ever else I might need want.

I honestly didn't know who was the lead Dr for the care team. So now I'm even more excited waiting for my mental health appointment.

That is great, Robby. You have more courage than I ever did.

I have never been measured professionally. Like you, my research gave all sorts of wrong answers. Each company seems to have its own way of measuring and I tried them all and they were still wrong. There is no way that I am a D or E cup. (40/46) I fill a B and almost a C depending on the style of bra.

You are correct that the issue is the torso size. We tend to have larger band sizes but smaller cup sizes. That somehow doesn't occur to bra manufacturers. I wear a 40 band size comfortably, but to get the cup to fit, I drop down to a 38 B or C. If the band is too tight, I will add an extender to make it comfortable.

I hope yours fits when it arrives. If not, at least you have a starting point to experiment with.

Thank you Lori. This is a link to the bra I purchased online

https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/vs/bras-catalog/5000000067?genericId=11245719&choice=4CBF

I hope it fits. But I have a feeling it won't. It will be a process of trial and error. The only thing I am not sure of is what sizes are actually the same size. Like you said you should be one thing but you wear something else. I know my wife can do the same where she is one size but if it doesn't fit or they don't have it she tries the other size which is a different band and cup size than her original size.

So much I don't understand... Lol

And then there's the whole issue of if you wear breast forms, now how do you find the right size. For example if your supposedly a c cup and you wear b cup breast forms now your bra size is band size with c+b or 5 inches ( if c is 3 and b is 2). Just so confusing. Lol

What you are looking for are called "sister sizes".

Maybe this will help.
What are Sister Sizes? (https://www.thirdlove.com/blogs/learn/sister-sizes-the-bra-secret-every-woman-should-know)

Thank you Lori that was a very informative article about finding sister sizes for bras

My left one is called Laura and my right boob is called Rachel.
They are sisters.  At times, one was a bit larger or smaller than the other.
My sisters have been of different sizes, although these started off as twins.
Now they are identical again.

Chrissy

I got the bra in the mail today.ran home during my lunch to try it on. The cup size was way too big. The band felt like it was spot on, but the cup size way way too big for me. Like 2 inches of open air space between my chest and the bra. Lol. Welp I guess it's not an exact science lol. Oh well.guess I'll be returning it at a store on one of my lunch breaks this week.

It was nice, and I did like it but theres no way I could wear it under my work clothes with no one noticing. I'll have to stick to the sports bras, and cotton pull over racer back styles for now. Which is fine. I don't have anything that needs support yet anyways.

Only down side is I don't think they make a size I'd fit into with the correct cup size since the cup size is so small and my band size is so wide ( not for a normal bra anyways, and by normal I mean not a sports bra or something similar)

Hi Robby,

Two companies I would check if you don't mind doing it online.

Rosme bras are made in Latvia. I think you can find them on Amazon. Just search for "Rosme". The fabric is heavy but not padded. The cups fit perfectly but the bands run a tad small. After several washings, the fabric softens and the band stretches just enough. I realize this might be the opposite of your situation, but it doesn't hurt to take a look and see what they have.

The other is Smart & Sexy. They have a nice line of pushup bras that add cup sizes. They fit well so check your measurements. I am wearing one of theirs now and they are quite comfortable. They are running a sale too. Normally $18 each, now you can get two for $30. Again, worth looking to see what they have. I have had good results from both companies. They offer a good selection at reasonable prices.

Just be sure to measure the way they show you and you should be good to go. Hope this helps.

@Lori Dee I will def look into them for sure. I don't mind doing online shopping especially with Amazon since they are easy for returns.

Are there any specific models of each bra that you recommend trying from each company?

I have two of these bras in this color and one in a different color.
Rosme Balconette (https://www.amazon.com/Rosme-Womens-Balconette-Collection-Grand/dp/B01AV70T7K/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.YslIXDdKG-BazFyDPSNM3_pEUKVp-5cTrvPkqdVVI13OwvD6WoVluo8H1hsAgWiv9VZA2vg93a9hNP1eG4MBOhVeMKl0I8NTjqp2Ck-hmB0vjavkWc7Tz0OVpaxwzetKKL-jro2IXirOLAKpo6yx39ulfeSzHD3aTHq6JVxKLaTM6W3lbV2E8OqfXrcMqQPGBNwHedkgQUpzOdKZ_uPKtzmUd5bh0dIajC1txxoKyImAHo8MCuu_KX33FAefC9IflpwCWZVHxOw0wWNw0oFiwHpD19KQdIIK5Yd5SAqIPs4.FUhfmxxp5Zv25fpPjsh4z1M563PPyAx4V_PfRt_7F_U&dib_tag=se&qid=1723604350&refinements=p_89%3ARosme&s=apparel&sr=1-1)

I have this one and just ordered two more in different colors.
Smart & Sexy Push Up (https://www.smartandsexy.com/collections/push-up-bras/products/add-2-cup-sizes-push-up-bra-black-hue-w-lace-wings)

Thanks I'll look into those specifically. I did do some snooping and I saw the rosme does have 42b while most others stop at c.

I def want to see howa real bra feels and fits, but for everyday use under my mechanic uniform I'll prob have to use sports bra style or bra-lets that are relatively thin and won't show or leave lines or add to my chest just yet.

I have the exact same Rosme bra model in two colors in size 44A. They are one of my favorite bras. However, even for the 44A size I need to wear breast forms, otherwise I wouldn't fill the cups and since it is a balconette style, it looks really odd with half filled cups.

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on August 14, 2024, 08:46:58 AMI have the exact same Rosme bra model in two colors in size 44A. They are one of my favorite bras. However, even for the 44A size I need to wear breast forms, otherwise I wouldn't fill the cups and since it is a balconette style, it looks really odd with half filled cups.

I was anticipating a bit of growth, so my second one is a 40C. The band fits perfectly, but as you said the cups were not filled so had a sort of buckling at the top. I dropped down to a 38B and the cups fit perfectly but the band was tight when it was new. Over time, it stretched a little so is now comfortable.

I don't wear breast forms very often anymore, but I tried using "chicken filets". They work well for the Smart & Sexy bra, but not the Rosme. The Rosme isn't padded so the filets show as lumpy through the bra. In the bottom of the Smart & Sexy bras, they push up even further to give the girls an additional boost. Highly recommended.

Today I had what is most likely my second to last therapy session with my therapist that I pay for out of pocket before I have my consult with the V/a mental health therapist.

The session went well. Gave me a lot of insight. I had doubts a few weeks back. Helped me with ways to be better about having a voice and speaking my truth no matter how it makes others feel (for when the tough conversations come around), and gave me some local resources to look into.

It's unfortunate that his practice doesn't work with the VA. We've built a good relationship and I felt that he gets me. I might schedule a session with him from time to time just to check in and talk in-between VA sessions depending on how much time there is between VA sessions.

All in all I felt it was a productive session.

I hope you get as lucky as I have been. My VA Psychologist is awesome. She gets me to the point of almost being scary. She will say something that I am only thinking, and I'll say, "Get out of my head, woman!" Then we laugh. She taps her fingertips together like an arch-villain and gives a sinister smile. That always cracks me up.

I think checking in with your non-VA therapist now and then is a good idea. If nothing else, just to let him know how you are doing and for a bit of closure. Good luck!

The only bra(s) that seem to fit well are the x-dress brand bras (which are made for men), jokey sports bras, and the negative underwear brand mesh front closure bra (which was extremely expensive).

I like the negative brand, the band fits well, and I fill out the cups. They do their sizes weird though. I am a size 5 in their brand which is the biggest size they offer.

This is the link to the website and specific page for the negative brand.

https://negativeunderwear.com/products/black-sieve-racerback-bra
 

Finding clothes that fit is a big problem when you are bigger or smaller than most of the target audience of a clothing manufacturer.  It isn't as simple as mathematically scaling dimensions up or down.  For one, I've never seen a printed cloth pattern scaled for different sizes.

Online clothing has gotten much better.  Returns are expensive so online retailers have worked to eliminate vanity sizing.  If you buy something from Amazon you can return it through Kohl's.

@Maid Marion that's why I love Amazon, most of products are an easy return drop off at Kohl's and then you get coupons for Kohl's as well..win win.

Welp yesterday was an ok day till I got home. Once again my wife is snooping around and going through my dresser and of course she found the Victoria secret bra I've been trying to find the time to return. Which lead to another interrogation (or at least it felt like it).

I'm horrible at having tough honest conversations with people I love and don't want to lose and cause pain,hurt feelings and what ever other emotions they will have from me having to speak something i know is a tough and sensitive issue for them.

So after that conversation which prob is not as bad as it felt at the time, I just put on my happy face mask and went on with the rest of the evening.

This morning I wanted all I wanted to do was cry while I was at the gym. Couldn't get into a good workout. Clearly not in the right head space, and I'm sure I am still not. Thoughts of not existing anymore were pretty frequent while I was trying to get my workout done. I really wish I was normal.

In other news our newest dog (we have 3), is getting neutered today. He is a puppy corgi named Rocky. I hope it goes well and there's no complications. If only that procedure is as cheap for humans as it is dogs. Lol right. Maybe one day I'll join the club with the rest of my male dogs who have been neutered already. Lol. Sorry I have a dark sense of humor.

If your wife knows and accepts you, why would there be an interrogation?  I'm confused.  I must have missed the rest of the story.

Quote from: D'Amalie on August 21, 2024, 03:41:21 PMIf your wife knows and accepts you, why would there be an interrogation?  I'm confused.  I must have missed the rest of the story.

It is the "acceptance" part that they are working on.

@D'Amalie, @Lori Dee is correct. My wife accepts me as I am now. She is unsure how she feels and where she stands if I were to start any form of transition, yet alone become and live life as a woman everyday.

She has said that she has no interest in being with another woman, she is not romantically or sexually attracted to women.

That she loves and care about me, and would support me if I feel I need to transition, but she said that she doesn't think she could remain my wife.

That was a brief summary of one of our initial conversations shortly after she found out I was trans. Since then as far as I can see or tell she has not done anything on her end to help her deal or cope with any one this. I feel that she doesn't want to until she is forced to when I am finally able to tell her that I need to transition (to what extent I don't know, but nothing is out of the question as in hormones, surgeries, socially etc)

I know she loves and cares for me, I just feel that she won't be able to change the way she views trans people and this topic from being raised with very conservative parents, and .out of her friends also share conservative views.

I almost feel that she cares more about what people will think and say about her than me actually being healthy and happy. That she cares more how it will affect her than it would actually affect me. I don't know this for sure, it just seems like it from the way our initial conversations went, and how everything was my fault, and how if I did become a woman how it would affect her socially, with family, with friends and at her work.

I won't know for sure how she feels and or thinks about everything now since a few months have passed, but life seems to always make it a bad time to bring up. There is always something. the last thing I want is to have a serious conversation about a very sensitive subject for her when life seems to be kicking her while shes down so to speak.

Hi Robby

You mentioned in your above post:

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMWelp yesterday was an ok day till I got home. Once again my wife is snooping around and going through my dresser and of course she found the Victoria secret bra I've been trying to find the time to return. Which lead to another interrogation (or at least it felt like it).

My question for you is, why hide it?  I know it is not as easy as that sounds.  She knows and you know she is going to snoop around.  Yes, I understand, that she may not realize the serious nature of what you want to do.  I don't know about the problems that are associated with coming out with partners as I was never in a relationship before I changed my life around.  I answered a particular question about literature in another thread that you began about 'Amanda and Shaye' on Youtube.  Which I hope will help you in some small way.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMI'm horrible at having tough honest conversations with people I love and don't want to lose and cause pain, hurt feelings and what ever other emotions they will have from me having to speak something i know is a tough and sensitive issue for them.

You may know, that I left my family and friends behind when I changed my life around, I loved them and cared for them.  However, I left them because I did not want them to know about what I was going to do, I did not want to hurt them or the ramifications of what I was doing to fall upon them.

I don't know how they felt at the time after they realized that I had gone and what I was going to do and to this day I have never had this particular conversation with them.  I have the sense that their thoughts were; "Sarah did what she did and life went on".

I do believe that my mum was hurt a little, but I never really discussed with my mum about what I did.  I got the impression that she did not want to know and did say she was not interested in certain aspects of what I did .  However, my mum and family accepted me unconditionally.

I should have questioned mum on this, but my mum is no longer with me.  I do know that she loved me.  I looked after for ten odd years and because I was at the dinning table one time, she walked away she said, "you do not know how much I love you".

Recently, I have thought about asking members of my family, how much it may have hurt them especially my mum.  So in a sense, I have to have a couple of those conversations.  Just for curious sake.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMSo after that conversation which prob is not as bad as it felt at the time, I just put on my happy face mask and went on with the rest of the evening.

This morning I wanted all I wanted to do was cry while I was at the gym. Couldn't get into a good workout. Clearly not in the right head space, and I'm sure I am still not. Thoughts of not existing anymore were pretty frequent while I was trying to get my workout done. I really wish I was normal.

Maybe a sign of things to come that your partner is coming around, so I hope that she does.  I know what it is like to have good and bad sessions in the pool.  I could be doing just 1.5km (1mi) swim which is extremely easy and it can be the lousiest swim of my life and yet do a 6km (3.7mi) and be one of the best swims I have ever had.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMIn other news our newest dog (we have 3), is getting neutered today. He is a puppy corgi named Rocky. I hope it goes well and there's no complications. If only that procedure is as cheap for humans as it is dogs. Lol right. Maybe one day I'll join the club with the rest of my male dogs who have been neutered already. Lol. Sorry I have a dark sense of humor.

Being neutered you say?  Well hows this for something to think about.  I was around my brothers, with wife and two of my nieces for tea one evening and they were talking about getting one of their dogs desexed.  Amongst the banter, without mentioning me specifically they were referring to me being desexed. Yes it hurt a little, however the whole conversation was hysterically funny.  So sick humour, I can live with that.

When I changed my life around all those years ago, I did think about having the ability to have children but the means of doing so was not readily available at the time and too much time had passed because of the hormones I was taking.  Yes, it hurts very much even to this day that I was not able to have children.  So I would suggest that you seriously consider this as an issue for you too take under consideration.

Take care and all the best

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Robbyv213

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 21, 2024, 06:11:31 PMI almost feel that she cares more about what people will think and say about her than me actually being healthy and happy. That she cares more how it will affect her than it would actually affect me. I don't know this for sure, it just seems like it from the way our initial conversations went, and how everything was my fault, and how if I did become a woman how it would affect her socially, with family, with friends and at her work.

This is a huge issue for some folks.  Their status in society.
Which means she is concerned about how you appear in public.
Underdressing in panties is OK because nobody knows.
A bra is different because it is easy to pick out the bra straps underneath someone's clothes.
This is something you need to talk about.

That was all my ex thought about, what will folk say not bothered about me at all.

@Sarah B

I'm not sure why I hide some things and others I don't. Guess I feel the more I don't hide things and the more I experiment with and keep moving forward will just cause.more stress and anxiety for her.

I once wore panties everyday to bed for about 2 or 3 weeks ( I usually sleep naked), at first she didnt seem to care, after a few days she may have made a comment here or there, or pinched my butt, but near the end when it became the norm and not just something i did occasionally it started to bother her.

So I guess if I started to not hide things and just did what ever I felt like trying (as in make up, wearing night gowns, wearing wigs and breast forms and dressing up) I'm sure that would only push her over the edge for what she can handle. And we do have a 14 year old girl in the house as well.

So yea. Hopefully she is coming around and to terms with it all. We will see.

And I did look up the couple you suggested to search on you tube as well as a few others.

I am not sure. I think it may be a little of everything when it comes to what will bother her the most.

And I am not down playing her side of things by no means. Just like I am transitioning and dealing with everything I face privately and publicly, so is she.

She is going through a transition just as much as I am and she didn't get a choice in the matter, her only choice is if she wants to stay on the roller coaster or get off the ride when she can't handle anymore.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 22, 2024, 12:40:24 PMI am not sure. I think it may be a little of everything when it comes to what will bother her the most.

And I am not down playing her side of things by no means. Just like I am transitioning and dealing with everything I face privately and publicly, so is she.

She is going through a transition just as much as I am and she didn't get a choice in the matter, her only choice is if she wants to stay on the roller coaster or get off the ride when she can't handle anymore.

It is so cool that you recognize what she is going through and that she is going through it with you. And by taking things slowly, you are giving her time to adapt, process, and hopefully accept. It may seem like it is taking forever from your point of view, but that is why threads like this are so important. You can always go back and see where you were a few months ago, then realize how far you have come. I am proud of the way you are doing this. Any progress is still progress.

@Lori Dee thank you.

Hi, Robby,
It's good to bump into you again (we knew each other on a different forum, not trans related).

I wouldn't worry too much about how much muscle you have. If you end up going the HRT route, your body will change a lot. I'm shorter than you and nearly the same weight but I pass just fine and have no problems. If there are exercises that you enjoy, I would recommend sticking with them since the positive impact of exercise on mental health is important and may become even more important as you face potential difficulties.

I won't lie to you, your marriage may not survive. Regardless of whether you medically transition or not, you've let the cat out of the bag and there is no putting it back in the bag now. Just knowing that a spouse has such feelings has broken many marriages, even when medical transition wasn't involved. I'm among the lucky few whose marriage survived, but I am in the minority. And even we separated for a period of two years.

My advice at this point is be open and honest with your wife about what you're doing. Hiding bras and other clothing will only make her distrust you.

As for childhood trauma, I personally don't believe that being transgender is caused by that kind of stuff. Plenty of us never experienced major trauma as kids and are every bit as transgender as those who did. It's still a great idea to work through those traumatic experiences with a therapist, but I would not link those experiences with gender dysphoria or being trans.

@BlueJaye

I am patient. Just trying to do what I can now. I fully plan to let the HRT run it's course for how ever many years it takes to reach the maximum affect (or what the doctors say is the time period where the maximum affect is) before I plan on doing anything else like surgeries (if I feel the need.)

I just figured losing some weight or more so muscle mass now will help later in the long run since being on HRT will prob make it more difficult to lose weight (and that's just an assumption since i know estrogen will redistribution fat, while testosterone helps with muscle strength and fat loss.)

I do hope my marriage survives, but being realistic I feel it's only a matter of time before we end up separating. It is hard for me to talk with my wife, especially about this topic. I feel it's not a safe environment for me to open up to her. She usually is a quick knee jerk reaction kind of person till she has had time to cool off and think it over with more of a level head.

But I agree honestly is the best route, and I'm trying to do that as much as I can as often as I can when the subject comes up.

My therapist and I have talked about my childhood, and he has helped me see.that the two are in related, but every now and again the thought does creep into my head.

I will be having my consultation with the va's mental health specialist hear on Sept 12th. So soon enough I will hopefully have more to go on in order to move forward or not. It scares me though because the close it gets, the sooner I'll have to have a talk with the wife which I am not looking forward to having, especially if they feel I do have gender dysphoria and feel I should speak with an endocrinologist (even if I dont start hormones right away). I guess having the knowledge and questions answered would be beneficial for answering any questions my wife might have in the future. But I think getting a diagnosis of gender diaphoria will help in terms of my wife being more understanding I guess for lack of a better word.

Either way the sooner it comes the sooner more uncomfortable talks will need to happen

Just to be clear, even if you have your diagnosis does not mean you need to have the talk the same day. I got my diagnosis in 2017 and I didn't tell anyone for two years. Partially because I was afraid to, but mostly because I didn't understand what that meant. It took me two years to understand that this is me and that gave me just barely enough confidence to come out and talk about it.

Don't feel you need to rush things. Make sure that YOU understand it. Then you can better explain it to others when (and only when) you feel the time is right.

One thing I always tell people is that gender dysphoria is an indiscriminate monster that doesn't play favorites. It doesn't care about your religious beliefs, your efforts to conceal it, or anything else. It does the same things to everyone who suffers from it no matter their background or history. Some suffer more than others, but everyone who experiences gender dysphoria suffers to some degree. And that is something that a lot of spouses don't understand.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 21, 2024, 06:11:31 PM@D'Amalie, @Lori Dee is correct. My wife accepts me as I am now. She is unsure how she feels and where she stands if I were to start any form of transition, yet alone become and live life as a woman everyday.

She has said that she has no interest in being with another woman, she is not romantically or sexually attracted to women.

That she loves and care about me, and would support me if I feel I need to transition, but she said that she doesn't think she could remain my wife.

That was a brief summary of one of our initial conversations shortly after she found out I was trans. Since then as far as I can see or tell she has not done anything on her end to help her deal or cope with any one this. I feel that she doesn't want to until she is forced to when I am finally able to tell her that I need to transition (to what extent I don't know, but nothing is out of the question as in hormones, surgeries, socially etc)

I know she loves and cares for me, I just feel that she won't be able to change the way she views trans people and this topic from being raised with very conservative parents, and .out of her friends also share conservative views.

I almost feel that she cares more about what people will think and say about her than me actually being healthy and happy. That she cares more how it will affect her than it would actually affect me. I don't know this for sure, it just seems like it from the way our initial conversations went, and how everything was my fault, and how if I did become a woman how it would affect her socially, with family, with friends and at her work.

I won't know for sure how she feels and or thinks about everything now since a few months have passed, but life seems to always make it a bad time to bring up. There is always something. the last thing I want is to have a serious conversation about a very sensitive subject for her when life seems to be kicking her while shes down so to speak.

I could quote this word for word and put it into my life story.  She'll be disapproving passively one day, then the next straighten a bra strap as I'm getting dressed for work, or curl my hair for me, buy me roses or even new panties the next day!

Had my appointment with the VA's mental health specialist. She was very nice. Not what I expected in terms of talking with a therapist. Definitely not like talking with my therapist I pay for out of pocket.

It was much more knowledge/informational based than talking about what I've been feeling and going through. More about how the VA operates and what the normal process is for the care I might need or want in the future.

That being said it was very informative. At the end of the meeting she did say that she will be putting in a consultation with endocrinology more or less for education/informational purposes but has given her approval for me to start hormone treatment if and when I want to.

So that's good news.

But right now I'm in a depressed state and self doubting myself and what direction I want/need to go.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 12, 2024, 02:50:33 PMSo that's good news.

But right now I'm in a depressed state and self doubting myself and what direction I want/need to go.

That is good news.

It's just more tools in your toolbox if you need them.

Never doubt yourself. YOU know deep inside what you want to happen for YOU. That's the easy part. The hard part is deciding how you want to make that happen.

You are stronger than you think. Remember the military obstacle courses and how you would think there is no way you could do that! But you did. I remember thinking they wanted me to RUN for two miles in less than 20 minutes. No way. But we did it.

Hang tough. You got this.

Hugs!

@Lori Dee thanks. Right now my doubt and depression always comes from either trying to figure out how to make everyone happy ( as in my wife and what she wants and me and what I want), and then also from not believing I would make a passable woman in the future.

I know passing is not everything, but I'd like to if it were possible for me. But I feel I'd need a lot of surgery to make that happen, and unfortunately I'm not the only one that has medical needs in the family. So Im.more than likely to put my own needs on the back burner so that my families care can be taken care of, which means less chance of having or getting money for cosmetic surgeries like ffs, top and or bottom surgery.

I feel I can make a decent looking guy, I feel I'd make a pretty ugly woman. Lol. And I have been considering very seriously about giving up on all this, and just live the life everyone expects me to live, and hopefully I'll have a heart attack or something that would end my life sooner than later, and having to life a longer life being super depressed and just existing and not living. I don't know. I'm very tempted to go back to living life the way I used to and starting back on testosterone until my body and organs fail from using it.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 12, 2024, 05:59:57 PM@Lori Dee thanks. Right now my doubt and depression always comes from either trying to figure out how to make everyone happy ( as in my wife and what she wants and me and what I want), and then also from not believing I would make a passable woman in the future.

I know passing is not everything, but I'd like to if it were possible for me. But I feel I'd need a lot of surgery to make that happen, and unfortunately I'm not the only one that has medical needs in the family. So Im.more than likely to put my own needs on the back burner so that my families care can be taken care of, which means less chance of having or getting money for cosmetic surgeries like ffs, top and or bottom surgery.

I feel I can make a decent looking guy, I feel I'd make a pretty ugly woman. Lol. And I have been considering very seriously about giving up on all this, and just live the life everyone expects me to live, and hopefully I'll have a heart attack or something that would end my life sooner than later, and having to life a longer life being super depressed and just existing and not living. I don't know. I'm very tempted to go back to living life the way I used to and starting back on testosterone until my body and organs fail from using it.

Do not give up on your dreams and goals.  There may be a way for everything to work out, even better than you expected.  If that is your hair in your avatar, you have a lot to work with for feminine styling.

@ChrissyRyan

unfortunately no that is just a wig. My hair has ran away from my face and the back in pretty thin. The only hair cut that looks good on me is a high skin fad, which hides how thin my hair is back there. Unfortunately I can't do anything about how it has receeded.

I understand your thinking. But you and I both know that isn't a healthy way to look at it.

I had similar thoughts when trying to decide if I should divorce my wife. (Pre-transition and unrelated). But I tried to think of a way to make it work so she would be happy, so her friends and family would be happy. Then I realized that I was excluding myself from the whole equation. You cannot live your life for others. It is YOUR life and no one is going to live it for you.

If you are in a situation that is so miserable that you would rather just end it, intentionally or accidentally, something is very wrong with that picture. You can't think that way. Your number one priority in this life is to survive. Your second priority is to live your life well. You can't do that if you are miserable. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else in your life. You need to remember that you are not responsible for keeping others happy.

I know you are the kind of gal who is willing to put your life on hold and even sacrifice it so others can live as they wish to. Is it fair that others are not willing to sacrifice their situation so you can be happy? If you are feeling miserable, how good of a partner can you be? If your partner is not allowing you to be happy, to be the best person you can be, what does that say about them?

You need to do some serious thinking about how to put yourself first. Think about it. if you go forward living your life as you choose to live it, do you really want or need unsupportive people around you? No. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people.

One of the hardest decisions I made was telling my wife that she had two choices. She could come with me and we could work on being equal partners in our marriage, or stay behind without me. She chose to stay. I know what her reasons were and if I stayed, it would be like two strangers sharing a house. Or I could move on, put it behind me, and work on getting my own life together.

It hurt. A LOT. The fact that someone I loved and supported for over 15 years turned out not to love and support me in the same way. I cut my losses and never looked back. I have made new friends and shaped a new life for myself. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

I want that for you. I want you to see that there is a better life waiting for you. As @imallie says, "Everything you want is on the other side of fear." The problem is that it doesn't matter what I want or what anyone else wants. You need to want it enough for yourself to reach out and take it. It's like ripping off a bandage. It stings like hell at first, but you will quickly heal.

See yourself as you truly are. Not the wide shoulders and big muscles. That isn't you. See the you that is inside all of that. Then be true to that person first. If you can't be true to yourself, you can't be true to anyone else. Work on you first.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant at you but I worry about you. I truly care what happens and wish I could help you through this. If I was nearby, I would be knocking on your door right now. Please take some time and think this through.

Hugs!

Lori Dee

Thanks @Lori Dee

I have my appointment set for endocrinology Oct 11th.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 19, 2024, 04:26:08 PMThanks @Lori Dee

I have my appointment set for endocrinology Oct 11th.

That's good news. That will get you started. Things will kind of smooth out from there. Meaning it isn't so long between appointments at first. Then as you get hormones and things stabilized, they will space out your appointments further apart.

It's all good.

Hugs!

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 19, 2024, 04:26:08 PMThanks @Lori Dee

I have my appointment set for endocrinology Oct 11th.

That day may seem a ways off but the day will arrive soon.

Chrissy

I feel my wife might be getting more open to talking about me being trans. We somehow got to talking about trans issues in sports, public areas, moral ethics in medicine etc. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. She has the stance most cis people do, while I got to defend and make my case to defend it.

I didn't get heated or turn into an argument so I guess that's a plus.

There were so many times this past weekend that I wanted to talk to her about what I'm dealing with and whats going on. But once again I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet.

We're going on an camping trip this weekend. I was thinking about bring it up then since we will have excess time on our hands to talk.

Do you think I should bring it up and tell her how ive been feeling and what I've been dealing with on our trip or should I wait, and not potentially ruin our trip by bringing up an uncomfortable conversation?

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 23, 2024, 11:02:38 AMI feel my wife might be getting more open to talking about me being trans. We somehow got to talking about trans issues in sports, public areas, moral ethics in medicine etc. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. She has the stance most cis people do, while I got to defend and make my case to defend it.

I didn't get heated or turn into an argument so I guess that's a plus.

There were so many times this past weekend that I wanted to talk to her about what I'm dealing with and whats going on. But once again I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet.

We're going on an camping trip this weekend. I was thinking about bring it up then since we will have excess time on our hands to talk.

Do you think I should bring it up and tell her how ive been feeling and what I've been dealing with on our trip or should I wait, and not potentially ruin our trip by bringing up an uncomfortable conversation?

I think it is a very good sign that she is willing to discuss the issues. It gave her a chance to present her point of view without accusing you, and you had a chance to present your point of view without accusing her. It remained a calm discussion without any finger-pointing.

That might be a way to broach the subject with her. You are not necessarily talking about yourself which might make her uncomfortable. But in the course of the discussion, you might add something like "Well the way I feel about..." and see if she wants to shift the discussion to you or not.

DO NOT FORCE IT. You don't want to ruin a camping trip. You both could be miserable and that is no fun. But I do agree that the opportunity for talks would be good. Just go easy and let her discuss to the extent she is comfortable. If the conversation starts going sideways, drop it.

Just my humble opinion.  :)

So just for ->-bleeped-<-s and giggles I called up the Meltzer clinic to inquire about an initial consultation, just to speak with the surgeon and see what they recommend, since I know most good surgeons are booked out way in advance. Turns out out of pocket cost is 100 non refundable paid at the time of scheduling, the initial consultation at the earliest is Aug of 2025, and if a surgery was approved to move forward, the surgery itself would be sometime in 2026. So almost a two year wait from scheduling an initial consultation to actual surgery.

Talk about depressing. Lol. Granted I'm in no place to have any surgeries yet. Not even close. I figured if I start hormones in oct-dec I will have been transitioning for anywhere from 8-11 months before the initial consultation, so hopefully hormones will have had time to change and soften my facial features so maybe less surgery would be needed than everything they offer for ffs. And by the actual time of the surgery I would have been transitioning and on hormones for roughly two years. So by then I would hope I met all the criteria for the wpath standards of care.

But I did schedule anything yet. I just figured it would be good idea to get a jump on things if most surgeons are a year or more booked out in advanced. I really just wanted to see what an expert would suggest based on my features. Just so I could have a game plan For the future.

Unfortunately I know this is the norm for this sort of thing. Makes me feel like I need to get a better job and better insurance, or start playing the lottery. Lol

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 25, 2024, 06:02:23 PMSo just for ->-bleeped-<-s and giggles I called up the Meltzer clinic to inquire about an initial consultation, just to speak with the surgeon and see what they recommend, since I know most good surgeons are booked out way in advance. Turns out out of pocket cost is 100 non refundable paid at the time of scheduling, the initial consultation at the earliest is Aug of 2025, and if a surgery was approved to move forward, the surgery itself would be sometime in 2026. So almost a two year wait from scheduling an initial consultation to actual surgery.

Talk about depressing. Lol. Granted I'm in no place to have any surgeries yet. Not even close. I figured if I start hormones in oct-dec I will have been transitioning for anywhere from 8-11 months before the initial consultation, so hopefully hormones will have had time to change and soften my facial features so maybe less surgery would be needed than everything they offer for ffs. And by the actual time of the surgery I would have been transitioning and on hormones for roughly two years. So by then I would hope I met all the criteria for the wpath standards of care.

But I did schedule anything yet. I just figured it would be good idea to get a jump on things if most surgeons are a year or more booked out in advanced. I really just wanted to see what an expert would suggest based on my features. Just so I could have a game plan For the future.

Unfortunately I know this is the norm for this sort of thing. Makes me feel like I need to get a better job and better insurance, or start playing the lottery. Lol

If Harris gets in, we might be able to convince her to get the VA to take care of veterans like they promised eight years ago. Get out and vote.  ;D

Weekend camping trip went well. Thursday night after work we packed up and went to Flagstaff AZ to spend the night. Woke up early Friday morning and drove to page az, and did a kayaking and hiking tour of lake Powell and lower antelope canyon. Then we got food and headed to lone rock area of lake Powell and set up camp for the night. Saturday morning we were able to sleep in a bit longer than Friday. Sat afternoon we had the official tour of lower antelope canyon. Once that was done we headed back to lone rock and set up camp again this time we were able to drive and set up our roof camp off our jeep right at the waters edge on the beach. We enjoyed the rest of our time just relaxing at the beach. Sunday we woke up and relaxed slowly breaking down camp. Hit the road around 1230-1pm finally got back home around 630pm and unloaded the car, cleaned up and got ready for work as much as we could.

Busy busy weekend, but def worth it. Antelope canyon is so beautiful. If you ever get the chance to go I def recommend it.

We did not have any conversation about any trans topics and or my gender dysphoria. Just a regular weekend we both enjoyed.

I did try to be present as much as I could but I found her asking me a few times if I was ok. I guess I'm off in lala land thinking, and trying to cope, all while trying to to play the role she expects of me.

Glad you had a good time. It sounds like a fun trip.

You got a chance to bring up some things and she asked if you are ok. That is a sign of progress. She might just come around yet. Hopefully, as time passes, she will be more comfortable discussing things further. Fingers crossed.

All in all it was very nice. I wish I was able to be more present and not let all this distract me and affect our relationship, intimacy and connection.

There were quite a few times where there was a lot of silence between us. And silence doesn't mean bad. I know I am not the out door adventurous type like her girl friends that she usually does these trips with. She def keeps me wild and adventurous and I keep her safe, and that's all I could think about is will she still view me that way once I transition assuming our marriage survives it.

I'd want nothing more to be her adventure girlfriend in all senses, I'd want nothing more to be with her as a woman. I'm just not sure if they will ever play out since she has said before that she is not physically attracted to women.

Which sucks bc that's all I could think about is that these moments won't ever happen again once I transition, not as us as a couple going camping and seeing all these bucket list places together.

We did have a great trip, I feel it could have been better if I was more mentally present. But it was a good as it could have been I guess.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 30, 2024, 12:42:43 PMI'd want nothing more to be with her as a woman. I'm just not sure if they will ever play out since she has said before that she is not physically attracted to women.

As an asexual, I can tell you that there is more to a relationship than sex. The companionship and emotional bond are far superior to a romp in the hay (in my opinion). There are still options that the two of you can explore in the bedroom too. She is still adjusting to the news. Maybe as she sees that you are still the same person, the companionship and emotional bond can grow into more physical aspects. It takes time. Read some of the stories over on the Significant Others (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,26.0.html) forum and you will see what I mean.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 30, 2024, 01:27:14 PMI'd want nothing more to be with her as a woman. I'm just not sure if they will ever play out since she has said before that she is not physically attracted to women.

My heart goes out to you. I guess most couples get into this situation when their relationship is well established and one is trans. I've just blogged about how we got through it, but though SRS wasn't in the frame, the mechanics of our relationship were the same, right down to there being a teen involved.

Some things I learned that might be of help are:

1. I'd spent years working out my gender dysphoria in my head and had been in some dark places thanks to it, but only presented it to my partner when I had it more or less worked out, so... I didn't have it in me to blame her for taking at least as long as I did to get it straight in her head too.

2. My coping strategy of not telling her at the beginning of the relationship was my mistake and so the consequences were on me. That didn't preclude me from going ahead with my own wishes if they didn't match hers, but I had to understand if she walked away, because when all was said and done I hadn't been honest.

3. Things got better after I stopped hiding my clothes and we'd had the, 'We both know I do this, hiding from each other isn't helping' conversation. That led to the first budgetary talk about  'How much is it okay for me to spend on this?' which was a big step forward.

4. Once that conversation happened, trans became a legal topic of conversation. I could sit down and explain (as well as I could) what my gender dysphoria feels like and what eases it and she began to see a role for herself there. Before she had felt shut out. Now she had an in.

5. The 'but I'm not attracted to women' thing is a fair point of hers so it might be a good idea to talk about what you both value most in your relationship with sex outright banned as a topic until you have explored all the common ground. There will be more of that than either of you think - that's the stuff that keeps you together. The sex is like 30 minutes three times a week if you are an average established couple, what about the other 99.9% of your time? You didn't get together just to have sex, right?

6. The more you talk, the easier the talking will become. The easier the talking becomes, the more familiar she becomes with what trans means and the more she's likely to realise that she's lived a long time with a key part of you that isn't going to change - the essence of who you are. It may not pan out that she becomes accepting of SRS, but at least you'll never be left in any doubt you both gave it your best shot.

7. Don't forget your teen.

My appointment with endocrinology is about a week away. Is there any questions that I can ask that would tell me if the Dr is experienced in gender affirming hormone therapy vs just chasing numbers from lab results?

Obviously I will ask all questions I personally have, but wanted to know if there was anything else I should ask to determine their experience level. Thanks

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 02, 2024, 05:38:11 AMMy appointment with endocrinology is about a week away. Is there any questions that I can ask that would tell me if the Dr is experienced in gender affirming hormone therapy vs just chasing numbers from lab results?

Obviously I will ask all questions I personally have, but wanted to know if there was anything else I should ask to determine their experience level. Thanks

As long as they treat you with respect and don't misgender you, you should be ok. You can even ask them how many transgender patients they have treated.

They should balance your hormone levels to get them into the female range. They may start with a low dose of E and Spiro for T-blockers. That is okay to start so you can adjust to the effects. If they do not volunteer it, ask to add progesterone to your meds. Many prescribers don't prescribe it. Some may want you to wait six months after starting E to begin. If they question it, remind them that ovaries produce progesterone and yours do not... therefore you need replacement hormones for that.

It is important that when the lab results come in they are not compared to what is normal for a male. You are trying to get into the female range and not the post-menopausal one. I had to remind my old endos that I might be over 60 years old but I am trying to get through puberty, not menopause.

The key is that they will start slow. People who start at too high a dose have stunted their development. Studies have shown that slow and steady is best to start especially for the first six months. Any signs that this doesn't feel right, mood swings, depression, etc. STOP immediately and call your doctor. After the first six months, you will be on your way and they can increase the dosage to get to the levels where you need to be.

This is all from my experience, so YMMV.

Thanks @Lori Dee

I was told spiro is not the greatest for t blockers, and that it's the one that just used most commonly. Would there be anything better to ask for instead of spiro?

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 02, 2024, 02:51:38 PMThanks @Lori Dee

I was told spiro is not the greatest for t blockers, and that it's the one that just used most commonly. Would there be anything better to ask for instead of spiro?

Finasteride is stronger than Spiro, but like Spiro, it is not a T-blocker. It affects the 5a-reductase enzyme that affects all hormones, so not an ideal alternative.

I get leuprolide (Eligard) injections every 90 days. It blocks T production at the source.
I was also taking Bicalutamide (Casodex) tablets daily. These are androgen blockers that block androgen receptors. They have no hormonal activity so do not interfere with hormones. Both of these together serve as a form of "chemical castration" that shuts down T production and any in your system will have no effect.

Your body needs testosterone for other uses. It converts it into other steroids that are needed. As a consequence, your body will convert some E to T to fill that need. With Casodex (bicalutamide) in your system, any T being converted will have no androgenic effects and can be used for other things as your body needs.

After a year on Casodex, my labs showed that my T-levels were stabilized with the Eligard, so the Casodex tablets were no longer needed and I stopped taking those.

I hope this helps.

Just FYI, Eligard injections are expensive. I think they said $400 per dose. Fortunately, the VA has it available and I have a VA nurse give the injection every three months. If you try to do that through a non-VA doctor/pharmacy, they may not have it available to prescribe, and it would be expensive to do if they can get it. Definitely get it through the VA.

@Lori Dee thanks for the information.

So I completely did not know I scheduled my endocrinology appointment on national coming out day.... Go figure. If the universe isn't trying to tell me something. Lol.

This year has been a ->-bleeped-<- show. Excuse my language. First we have a house fire, then my wife's dad has been in and out of the hospital and nursing homes, then my wife's step dad finds out he has cancer, then my wife's brother finds out he has cancer, and just last night my wife's brother died. Like how much more worse can this year get for my wife, and now she gets to also deal with feeling like she is losing her husband on top of it all. Like the timing of all this (yes obviously out of my control) but seriously just the worst year of our lives and it's the first year of our marriage. I would be extremely astonished if our marriage survives this year... Just saying, and of course I hope it does, but I'm a realist, and this year would make many people consider taking an exit strategy.

Just on Wednesday night right as we were trying to go to bed she just starts talking about everything thats bothering her. Many things she was saying I could directly see how my gender dysphoria is affecting our relationship. When I try to lead into it and explain how gender dysphoria can cause or have a negative affect on relationships, once again shes not having it, thinking im turning it around and making it about myself when all I am.tryonf to do is tell her why the dysphoria is affecting our intimacy etc. eventually she starts to see what im trying to say. But after a conversation that needed to be had, we are still in the same place. Only progress is that we were able to talk and not get into an argument in the end, but we're still both left with nothing resolved. I guess at the least the elephant in the room is finally being addressed.

Now onto my appointment. My intention was for it to be just a talk and gain as much knowledge as I can about hrt, and the va's process for gender affirming care.  I learned a lot, and the VA covers a lot ( minus surgeries). I pretty much asked all the questions I could possibly think of. The endocrinologist and nurse practitioner said I came very well prepared with my questions to say the least. Thank you everyone here for arming me with the knowledge to be as prepared for this appointment as I could be. In the end when it came down to where the metal meets the road, I am one of those individuals who would rather have something and not need it, than to need it and not have it. So I left with a prescription of injection E, and spiro.

Now I know what alot of you may be thinking. Firstly this is how the typically start off, a form of e and spiro. Then at the next visit and labs thats when I can opt for something other than spiro, a different form of E ( like patches or orals), and progesterone. But they definitely made me feel like it will be very much personal and individualized care Vs a cookie cutter one size fits all program they give everyone. They want to start out as basic as possible, see how I feel and react and see what the next lab work comes back as before they start to adjust, add and or switch medications.

Now all that's left is when do I start? I told my wife many times I would not start HRT behind her back and I don't plan to. I know she won't be thrilled that I had an endocrinologist appointment behind her back yet alone got prescriptions too, but I feel I need to be upfront with her about it before I start. I can only hide it for so long before it becomes obvious and a pair of small breast buds will be staring her in the face. I know it's all my choice and don't own anyone anything and it's my journey and my pace as to what I feel I need to do and when I do it., but I definitely can't start without at the very minimum saying I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and the VA mental health specialist gave me the green light to start hormones if I wanted and made the appointment to meet with the endocrinologist. And yes I know It would be a lie when I say my Initial consultation with endocrinology is. ...

I guess with how this year has gone so far, I mind as well set it all on fire and see what remains...

The endocrinologist also asked if I wanted to start anything else like voice therapy or hair removal services. Since she asked I said yes since I know those can take a long time to see results with so I figured that I mind as well get the ball rolling on those as well. At least that will help me feel like I am always doing something to be productive in terms of moving towards my end goal I envision for my transition.

Sounds like you are making progress despite the bad news. I am sorry to hear that.

Things happen, sometimes in waves of good or bad and that can have a strong impact on everything else around you. I think you are handling it the best you can (and doing a good job of it). By staying calm in your discussions you signal to her that it is okay to talk about it, it is okay for her to express her feelings too. That is how serious discussions start. I remember when you first came here you told us how everything exploded into an argument. Look how far you have come!

You will need to talk to her about your prescriptions. It is one thing to hide a couple bottles of pills, but needles and sharps containers and the meds are a different story. She needs to know why you need these things. They will have a prescription label on them, so it isn't like you are getting them on the street. These are presription medications that your doctor says you need. She needs to understand that.

I am really proud of the way you are going about this. I am still hopeful that she will want to stick around as much as you want her to. Just go as you have been. Gentle discussions and not pressuring her, asking her how she feels and if there is something she needs you to do to help her understand.

You got this.  :)

@Lori Dee thanks for the words of encouragement.

And I apologize for the language, I see my post has been edited which is good. I will do better about using bad language.

My wife is a LPN, so I know she would get and understand the medical necessity of an individual needing prescription medication, but I don't think she is able to understand why her husband needs them especially this specific type of medication.

In all our random talks about trans issues, her point of view and perspective is usually on the negative side. I don't think she'll understand until she has to watch me go through and deal with something extremely unfair and biased for her to have a change of perspective and heart on some of these trans issues were seeing more and more of.

I do truly hope she at the very minimum, educates herself, is more compassionate and understanding towards trans individuals. Not that she is a bad person by any stretch of the imagination towards everyone else, she just can't wrap her head around the fact that her husband is also one of those individuals. I see how conflicted she is when we have such talks about trans issues. She says something and then realizes that it's extended hurtful or making some major assumptions. Which i guess is progress as well but what ever the subject is and her stance/opinion/beliefs are she always finds a way to rationalize them to justify them.

As an LPN she will understand the medical aspects of it. Does she recieve any training at work in dealing with gender diverse patients? Many practices make that a mandatory training item, even if it is just watching a video presentation.

I can understand it is difficult for her to wrap her head around the idea that her husband is "one of those". Once she understands that you have the diagnosis, all medical protocols are then treatment for that diagnosis. She will understand that. She can even do her own research on what the various treatments involve. It all starts with the diagnosis.

I agree, and thats what my biggest push was for, the diagnosis, and now that I have it, I feel I am now more free to do more exploration, that nothing is off limits.

 I may not know what all I will eventually need or what my journey will look like but like I said nothing, not hormones, not even surgery is off limits (with obviously a tremendous time of reflection on more serious medical treatments such as hormones and or surgery) as I explore and discover my authentic self in my transitional journey.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 11, 2024, 06:41:20 PMMany things she was saying I could directly see how my gender dysphoria is affecting our relationship. When I try to lead into it and explain how gender dysphoria can cause or have a negative affect on relationships, once again shes not having it, thinking im turning it around and making it about myself when all I am.tryonf to do is tell her why the dysphoria is affecting our intimacy etc. eventually she starts to see what im trying to say. But after a conversation that needed to be had, we are still in the same place.

This sounds like a tough deal for you and your wife, for her mostly down to all the bad news and bereavements, while for you the timing couldn't possibly be worse.

It sounds as if you are saying she doesn't think your gender dysphoria is affecting your relationship? If I have that right, then she's sending a signal she's staying with you and it is worth picking up on it and saying thank you for her doing that.

Have you tried talking about all the places where you and she are aligned and can help each other? Giving a heads up you'll be supporting her through her family issues and will be there when you're needed will help with that. It might be worth getting a reset by taking the conversation off the track it is on, and running it along a different set of rails for a while before switching it back?

I've been through the same issues in my own relationship, but found it easier because my partner has always known I'll go through fire on her behalf if need be. If someone feels you being there is intrinsic to their well-being, then it's astonishing how much more accepting they will be.

Have you tried focussing the conversation on how you can help her through her family issues? That way you can build a track record of discussing emotions and it opens another door back into the convo you would like to have with her right now. Ultimately emotional intimacy is much more powerful at holding a relationship together than sex ever is.

I'm hoping to start first week of November. I've planted the seed in my wife's mind, and after having another "initial consultation"  I'll have prescriptions that she will now know about.

To catch up. I told her that the mental health specialist put in recommendations for Endo, laser hair removal, and voice therapy. And that Endo called me and wanted to schedule our first appointment. In which I told her I wasn't sure when I could get it scheduled, but wanted to try and get it done before Nov, and that it would be purely educational, a way for me to talk to an expert and ask all questions etc.

Which lead to a conversation that I know she struggles with. Which only confirms my suspicion that she's ok with anything as long as it doesn't involve actual change or transition.

I know she is torn, for a lot of reasons. I know she doesn't want me to transition for those same reasons. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, and do what ever I feel I need to do for my health as well.  Starting hormones, even if it's a low dose trial run for 2-3 months before checking back in with Endo is the start of transition. Which it could very well be, but I don't know till I try It. For all I know I could get on HRT and feel even worse and decide it's not for me.  Who knows. I'm hoping things will be good on HRT. But I won't know until I try it.

And I'm trying to give her time to adjust, but if I don't move the ball forward it will never get moved forward. She would be fine ignoring the elephant in the room for as long a I allow it to be ignored. Which will only hurt our relationship just as bad as she thinks transition will or worse.

I am tired of living life to please everyone else, to live my life and be as everyone else expects me to do based on how I look. I want to take the mask off.

That being said I'm willing to move slowly and hopefully slow enough for my wife to adjust and cope. I hope with this she takes a more serious and active role in educating herself and not just go on what society and her up bringing has taught her about trans individuals.

We wish you all the best.

You are making progress, and as you stated, the ball is moving forward.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 16, 2024, 06:35:04 PMWhich lead to a conversation that I know she struggles with. Which only confirms my suspicion that she's ok with anything as long as it doesn't involve actual change or transition. I know she is torn, for a lot of reasons. I know she doesn't want me to transition for those same reasons. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, and do what ever I feel I need to do for my health as well.

If your partner knows you're going ahead with hormones, laser and voice therapy and she's not putting up any barriers to those three, then it sounds like she is okay with some actual changes? In other words, she might be further along with consenting to this than you suspect.

Got a call from the VA scheduler asking if I want to continue and get laser hair removal and voice training, to which I said yes. She then proceeded to say ok someone else will contact you for each to set up an appointment... Lol. Way to many middlemen in the process.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 18, 2024, 11:39:55 AMGot a call from the VA scheduler asking if I want to continue and get laser hair removal and voice training, to which I said yes. She then proceeded to say ok someone else will contact you for each to set up an appointment... Lol. Way to many middlemen in the process.

The VA doesn't have anyone to do laser, so that will be through Care in the Community. The call will come from the provider that will do the procedure.

The Voice Training is done through a national program called GAPS (or something like that). Your provider could be anywhere in the US. Some of the gals here had their training through the VA in California. Mine was through the VA in Iowa City, IA. If you get her, she is very good. Maggie Deezuw is her name. I meet with her again next month. Those are through TeleHealth via secure video conference. I don't have a camera and microphone on my computer, so the VA sent me an iPad to use for those sessions (no charge).

Sounds like things are moving forward for you. Even slow progress is still progress!

Thanks @Lori Dee

Things seem to be moving along slowly. That's awesome you got a free o pad out of getting your voice therapy done. I figured they would be in person so they can hook me up to a sound machine to scale my voice and see where it's at (pitch, resonance etc) but im all fornas many virtual appointments they are willing to do. Lol.

This is where they're sending me out for Lazer/electrolysis

https://senzapelo.com/

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 22, 2024, 01:56:27 PMThanks @Lori Dee

Things seem to be moving along slowly. That's awesome you got a free o pad out of getting your voice therapy done. I figured they would be in person so they can hook me up to a sound machine to scale my voice and see where it's at (pitch, resonance etc) but im all fornas many virtual appointments they are willing to do. Lol.

She has excellent hearing and listens to the way that you speak. She had me download an app to my phone called Voice Tools to do the measurements you refer to. She had me read a short paragraph and then read back the analysis numbers to see where I was. Then after several sessions, we did it again. It is a great tool to practice with.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 22, 2024, 01:58:31 PMThis is where they're sending me out for Lazer/electrolysis

https://senzapelo.com/

Let me know how it goes! I might start kicking over trash cans here to get them to fly me to Phoenix.  ;D

Thanks. I'll down load that app, and get familiar with it

Today was a bad day. Depression really has a hold on my right now. That's all.

If your thoughts are bothering you change your thoughts. Think about something else. If you are struggling with that, change your activity. Do something else and focus on that and your thoughts will shift to what you are doing. You can also change your environment. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Play a video game.

I usually go for a walk or talk to a neighbor. That gets me thinking about other things. Before long, I feel better. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Hugs!

@Lori Dee thank you. You always seem to know what to say.

Are we aloud to post what our prescriptions are and the doses that the doctors want us to take on here?

Granted I haven't started my prescriptions yet. But I feel they are very low for what I was prescribed, and I know the VA and most health care will take a very slow and gradual approach to hrt. But at what point should I be worried that they are just chasing blood work numbers and giving my the basic one size fits all program that they are required to?

When I asked about the dose they said with the help of an anti androgen the dose of estrogen should be enough for feminizing effects and they're only shooting for 100-200 for estrogen levels and that they're worried about over dosing.

And I again I know they have to start somewhere and establish a baseline to see how I react once I start. But I already get the feeling that this VA clinic is and will only be doing the bare minimum and not treat me as an individual. But I guess we will see as time goes on once I actually start (which I am hoping to do so here in the very near future)

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 24, 2024, 08:56:34 AMAre we aloud to post what our prescriptions are and the doses that the doctors want us to take on here?

It is okay to post your lab results and what you are taking, but not the specific dose.

Yes, they will start you slowly because they have found that starting high can actually hurt development. So, there will be a slow increase over the first year.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on October 24, 2024, 08:56:34 AMthey're worried about over dosing.

You can not overdose on estrogen. Period.
Pregnant women have estradiol levels ten times their baseline levels. Some recorded over 1,000.
In my opinion, 100-200 is too low.

This is a long-standing argument I have had with my endocrinologists.
What they fail to realize is that we are trying to START PUBERTY regardless of our actual age.

Estrogen levels rise during puberty. The increase leads to secondary sex characteristics like breasts and changes in overall body composition (like curves)...

Too little estrogen can lead to a low sex drive. Too much of it can cause infertility and erectile dysfunction. Excessive estrogen can cause gynecomastia, or enlarged breasts...
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22353-estrogen

The problem is that transgender medicine is new. All of the meds that are prescribed for us were designed for cis-women. As such, the cautions are to protect the uterus. When they were handing them out, I didn't get one. So I tell my doctors to stop worrying about anything below the waist. We are focused on BREAST DEVELOPMENT. And for that, we need estradiol levels over 200 and daily doses of progesterone. That is what causes breast development.

I argued with two endocrinologists, showed them the studies, and asked them where this danger was. Do pregnant women with extremely high levels of both estrogen and progesterone develop cancer, blood clots, and strokes? No, they do not. What happens to them (ignoring the uterus) during pregnancy? Their breasts enlarge and they gain weight in the butt and hips.

I finally got my Gynecologist to listen to me. I told her I was tired of baby-stepping my levels up to where they needed to be. Get my levels up over 200 - 300 and I will shut up. I am now on weekly injections and my levels come in right around 250. I am taking progesterone three times a day. Guess what happened? Breasts are growing! No cancer, no stroke, no blood clots. Biology 101.

That said, they are wise to start slow. They need to gauge how your body reacts to it. Slowly increasing over time is the right way to go. Yes, they will be chasing numbers, but your goal is 250 and not 100-200. For now, that is fine. Six months to a year from now, if all is going well, you will want to push those up to get puberty to kick in.

Don't get impatient, but don't wait four years to get it sorted either. When you hear people say breast development starts after six months of HRT. For some yes. For most, it is not the start of HRT. The changes start when you have a high enough level in your system so that things start happening. Maybe that is at 100 for you. For me, it is 250 and truly I would prefer to be closer to 400, but I can write my own prescriptions.  ;D  Why 400? Do an internet search for normal female estrogen levels and you will see that 350-400 is "normal". Pregnancy can push those numbers up to 20,000 but that is not common.

I hope this helps.

@Lori Dee thanks. I'll have to keep this in mind for later. Hopefully I can remember all this for when the time comes.

So they gave me Spironolactone which they want me to take daily, and estrogen valerate injections every other week. And from my research the dosages for each that they want me to take especially for the ev is pretty low given its half life, and then they gave me the we only shoot for 100-200 speech, which gave me the feeling that even though they were really nice and all that they don't know what they're doing. Lol

From my initial lab work my estrogen is at 54, normal range at its highest is 44 (for normal males). They are not yet comparing it to normal female ranges yet.

Baby steps. Remember that they are just testing your reactions to reduced testosterone and increased estrogen. Your mind and body need time to adjust. See what your labs say in 90 days.

For sure. I keep reminding my self that this initial part is going to be a slow onset, but I'm curious to see how they practice their medicine once I get past this initial starting point

Excited, I have my first laser hair removal appointment consultation tomorrow 11/2/24. I'm curious to see what all is discussed as to my options for treatment since the VA is paying for it. Lol. And it would be nice to shave this 3 day hair growth that they said I would need for them to accurately determine what is best for the type of hair I have in the areas they're approved to work on. Considering I shave my entire body twice a day, everything is annoyingly prickly right now. Lol

Let us know how it goes!

I contacted my local LGBTQ Care Coordinator and told her there is now ONE VA contractor doing electrolysis, and gave her the link you posted. I told her that since (according to her) there are none, and now I know there is ONE, she needs to submit a Travel Authorization for me to go to Phoenix to get my MEDICALLY NECESSARY treatment.

I won't hold my breath waiting for a response, but I fully intend to make them miserable until they get it done to shut me up.  ;D

Will do, I'm here now waiting for my appointment. I will let you know how it goes. I am hopeful it will go smoothly. But realistically since it's throughout the VA, I expect it to be a hassle like everything else. Lol.

I'll be seen shortly. I'll get back on here after I'm done and give you my thoughts and how it went.

So as expected. It sounds like this contracted hair removal center is under the impression that it is face and Brazilian they had just received a few clients that also have chest and arms but they have not received anything of writing as to what all they can do other than the face and Brazilian unless you get something specifically from the VA on your referral for a specific area.

When I spoke with my endo she had said that anything that causes gender dysphoria should be covered but now it seems like I have to go back to the VA and have them specifically put down in writing what areas I'm authorized to receive.

And to cover me and the hair removal center they need something in writing for how they bill each treatment as well, and how many treatments are covered etc.

As for the actual treatments it does sound like they start with laser and then depending on how well that works then they move on to electrolysis, but it is covered both laser and electrolysis for the areas that they know they're allowed to do face and Brazilian.

So it does look like I will have to get in touch with the VA again to see exactly what they cover or tell them to put it in writing of everything that is covered in records and or the paperwork with the referral so that in the future they won't turn me down if I wanted to do something differently other than the face and Brazilian, and possibly chest and arms but the hair removal facility is double checking on that since not all of their VA patients have those areas in their referral.

Took my first dose of Spiro today. Per Endo I'm supposed to take half a pill twice a day for a week and then move up to a full pill twice day from there on out. I am not sure if I will also start estrogen this week or if I will just run Spiro for a few weeks to see how I tolerate it.

Endo said by no means do I have to start both at the same time, that I can start Spiro first and add in estrogen at a later date, but obviously to not wait too long before adding estrogen into the mix.

When I do start estrogen I'm supposed to take a dose of ev every other week, which I know is low, but I'm just starting and low and slow is the way they do it. If after 6 months I'm still on the same doses I'll be looking for a new endocrinologist lol

Received an update for laser hair removal therapy. The salon reached out to the VA and the VA told them that they are covered to do face arms chest and Brazilian anything else needs to be specifically written in the referral.

So I guess that's a start. When it's time for me to try and get my back, and legs done I guess I'll have to go back to mental health and get reevaluated so that they can  approve for laser removal on my back and legs.

I'm currently waiting for a response myself for my inquiry about laser hair removal and the current VA policy.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 05, 2024, 12:00:20 PMI'm currently waiting for a response myself for my inquiry about laser hair removal and the current VA policy.

Just FYI, the Directive states "permanent" and "non-permanent" hair removal. Permanent = electrolysis and non-permanent = laser.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 03, 2024, 01:24:12 PMTook my first dose of Spiro today...and add in estrogen at a later date, but obviously to not wait too long before adding estrogen into the mix.

Why, "...obviously to not wait too long before adding estrogen"?  Is there a medical reason?

Quote from: D'Amalie on November 06, 2024, 10:08:33 AMWhy, "...obviously to not wait too long before adding estrogen"?  Is there a medical reason?

For a few reasons. I want to see how I react once I get to the full rec dosage, and see how well or not so well I tolerate it at the full dose before adding another hormone in, I feel it will be a slow conversion by slowly lowering my t and then slowly introduce estrogen, and lastly I want to make sure I have a good warm and fuzzy. I feel like taking estrogen is the point of no return (even though anyone can stop their HRT at any time.) I just want to make sure I don't get or have anymore doubts caused by how I handle the Spiro.

I'm not sure if I will be one of those individuals who will still be able to perform or not while on HRT, I know that's one of my wife's big concerns, and since I have been on Spiro (only 4 days) I have had no erections what so ever (which means it's working yay!) and I haven't tried to see if I can still achieve one or not but at the same time I feel I have no interest in it either if that makes sense.

I'm not sure if estrogen will counter act the loss of a male libido and replace it with a female libido (of that's even a thing). I def don't want to be one of those individuals who are chemically castrated and have no desire for sex or have any kind of libido what so ever. Not sure if I am explaining what I'm thinking in a way that gets my point across.

So I guess I'm testing the waters so to speak by starting Spiro at half dose for a week and then moving to a full dose the second week to see how I tolerate it and how or how I react to it, and then the third (or maybe fourth week) add estrogen.

ED happens around the six-week mark. No more Morning Wood. But also difficulty getting it up when you want it to. Libido will drop, but if that's not a big deal for you, then not a problem. Semen output will diminish as well. For some it will diminish to a few drops, for some, it diminishes to zero.

These are things to consider because, although it might be what you want, she can get the impression that you no longer find her attractive. You can blame the meds rightly, but that can only support her argument that you should stop taking them. Just be ready for that discussion.

@Lori Dee don't I know it already lol. She has already asked if I still find her attractive. Our sex lice hasn't been the greatest for a long time due to many factors. But I did not know how much gender dysphoria can affect all aspects of one's life and relationships.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 06, 2024, 05:25:44 PMBut I did not know how much gender dysphoria can affect all aspects of one's life and relationships.

It depends on your dysphoria, but the more intense it is, the more it will affect your relationship because of your gender being out of alignment with your sex assigned at birth. As everyone around begins to realign themselves to the reorientated you, they'll start to experience issues around how to respond to you in a different gender.

Wives with a strongly heterosexual orientation and feminine scripts struggle the most, because of the stresses adapting to their changing sexual role. So the other conversation which may come up is about whether she still finds you attractive - don't forget this one works both ways! If your relationship is based on friendship and mutual respect, you should be able to get past that though - best wishes on your journey!

My most recent blood work was back in the beginning of Oct (if I remember correctly around the 11/12th of Oct) not sure why it took so long for them to get my my starting baseline testosterone levels. I had to email them and ask since it wasn't included in the other labs (I had only just started taking Spiro Nov 3rd of 2024)

estrogen level is at 54 pm/ml and the reference range they have for that is 10 to 44

My testosterone levels are:

total test is at 140L normal range is 250-1100.

My free testosterone levels are at 27.9L normal range is 35-155.

So there's my baseline levels for documentation purposes.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 07, 2024, 08:13:35 AMMy most recent blood work was back in the beginning of Oct (if I remember correctly around the 11/12th of Oct) not sure why it took so long for them to get my my starting baseline testosterone levels. I had to email them and ask since it wasn't included in the other labs (I had only just started taking Spiro Nov 3rd of 2024)

estrogen level is at 54 pm/ml and the reference range they have for that is 10 to 44

My testosterone levels are:

total test is at 140L normal range is 250-1100.

My free testosterone levels are at 27.9L normal range is 35-155.

So there's my baseline levels for documentation purposes.

When you say "normal" range, note that those numbers are the normal male range. And, that is your baseline pre-anything starting point.

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 07, 2024, 08:19:23 AMWhen you say "normal" range, note that those numbers are the normal male range. And, that is your baseline pre-anything starting point.

Correct. The paper work gives "normal"ranges for a normal healthy male.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 07, 2024, 08:13:35 AMMy most recent blood work was back in the beginning of Oct (if I remember correctly around the 11/12th of Oct) not sure why it took so long for them to get my my starting baseline testosterone levels. I had to email them and ask since it wasn't included in the other labs (I had only just started taking Spiro Nov 3rd of 2024)

estrogen level is at 54 pm/ml and the reference range they have for that is 10 to 44

My testosterone levels are:

total test is at 140L normal range is 250-1100.

My free testosterone levels are at 27.9L normal range is 35-155.

So there's my baseline levels for documentation purposes.

Your levels are very similar to where mine were at that stage. I also started one medicine at a time. It's to help the doctor see if there are any problems between you and the meds. If you started both on the same day and said "Doc, I'm all itchy." they wouldn't know which drug was doing it.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn on November 07, 2024, 12:43:23 PMYour levels are very similar to where mine were at that stage. I also started one medicine at a time. It's to help the doctor see if there are any problems between you and the meds. If you started both on the same day and said "Doc, I'm all itchy." they wouldn't know which drug was doing it.

Hugs, Devlyn

Exactly my thoughts. Luckily I did not break out in hives from this medication lol. I did once before as a child and that's how we found out I was allergic to certain medications lol. Not fun at all

Over the weekend my wife and I had our one year marriage anniversary we decided to go to Southern California to celebrate for the weekend. Is very nice we pretty much just relaxed and sat on the beach all weekend and at the jacuzzi at night.

All in all it was a very nice and happyish weekend for me. I say happy ish because it's hard for me to be present and enjoy the good times when all I'm thinking about is how there won't be many more of these once I transition. And that I'm happy to be in the moment and enjoy the nice weekend with my wife but then at the same time I'm depressed and I feel guilt that I wish I was there as a woman and not a man and I know that all of these thoughts keep me from being 100% present in the moment and I know that my wife had noticed that but I feel like she is slowly realizing that when I'm not present in the moment or when she knows something's up and she asked if everything's okay and I say everything's fine she's slowly learning that things are not fine and that it's related to me wanting to transition.

I definitely didn't bring it up cuz I didn't want to ruin her weekend.

Other than that the weekend was very nice, so nice it almost made me really consider about postponing wanting to transition or thinking or wondering if I could be happy enough to live from these little moments and be okay with it. Usually when I think like that I get sad and depressed real quick and that's usually when my wife picks up on that something's off.

The weekend definitely really made me think twice about wanting to transition and blow my life up as I know it and the lives of my immediate family members as well.

And with everything going on politically and in the government seems like it's a very scary time to transition or even seek out gender reform and care.

A part of me is really worried that because I saw it out gender affirming care through the VA that I'm going to receive a letter in the following months that my disability and all my benefits have been stripped away from me because of whatever Trump's policies might be in the future for transgender individuals. So we will see. Realistically I see the supreme Court shooting down most of everything that Trump is going to try to propose or pass, but it's not any less scary. Not sure what I would do if I lost my benefits because my family and I really depend on it financially just to get by.

Anyways. There's My Little Life update for the time being I hope everyone is doing well.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 12, 2024, 10:24:59 AMA part of me is really worried that because I saw it out gender affirming care through the VA that I'm going to receive a letter in the following months that my disability and all my benefits have been stripped away from me because of whatever Trump's policies might be in the future for transgender individuals. So we will see. Realistically I see the supreme Court shooting down most of everything that Trump is going to try to propose or pass, but it's not any less scary. Not sure what I would do if I lost my benefits because my family and I really depend on it financially just to get by.

You won't lose your benefits.

The worst that will happen is the VA will never change its policy on Gender Affirming Surgery, and will no longer allow "Gender Affirming Care". It is up to the individual VA clinics how they will handle this. My prescription labels no longer read, "For Gender Transition" and now state, "For Hormone Replacement". HRT applies to men and women and is not solely for transition.

I expect that with the things Trump says on his website under Agenda 47, he can shut down our LGBTQ Care Coordinators, but they are not full-time positions anyway. So no one will lose their job over it. The individual VA Clinics do not want to lose any funding, so I expect them to relabel services much like they relabeled my prescriptions. We will see.

My Psychologist is going to have an interesting time during my next appointment. The government is triggering my PTSD, so now what?  :-\

I had my first laser hair removal appointment this past sat. It wasn't bad at all. Super quick. Had my chest and arms done, since I figured those areas would be the easiest to do, and the least painful. The technician also did my stomach area for free. So that was cool. Only a little tender on my lower abdomen and inside of my wrist. That's about it. Curious to see how sensitive/painful my face and Brazilian areas would be. If it's anything like my arms, chest and stomach I may start having them do all four areas each time. We will see. No response from the VA in regards to seeing if they will cover any other areas like back, shoulders, legs, hands, feet, underarms.

VA makes no sense to me. They will cover hair removal so that we can have hair patterns that are more feminine right, but they cover Brazilian (last time I checked most women have pubic hair), and they cover arms (which can be hit or miss on women, but I know there are women that have arm hair depending on ethnicity ) lol. But they don't cover back and shoulders (which last time I checked most women don't have back or shoulder hair). So yea... Either way I'm grateful for anything the VA covers. Sometimes it's just no rhyme or reason as to what and why they cover something.

It can sting around the nose, rest of my face was okay with numbing cream but nose made me wince.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 19, 2024, 10:55:54 AMVA makes no sense to me. They will cover hair removal so that we can have hair patterns that are more feminine right, but they cover Brazilian (last time I checked most women have pubic hair), and they cover arms (which can be hit or miss on women, but I know there are women that have arm hair depending on ethnicity ) lol. But they don't cover back and shoulders (which last time I checked most women don't have back or shoulder hair). So yea... Either way I'm grateful for anything the VA covers. Sometimes it's just no rhyme or reason as to what and why they cover something.

I contacted my LGBTQ Care Coordinator and told her I needed to know how to request reimbursement for medically necessary treatment. Specifically to cover travel, food, lodging, and electrolysis in Phoenix, since (according to them) the VA has no providers. Then I asked her if she had any heart valves in her desk drawer. If I needed a heart valve transplant and none were available would they let me die, or would they send me somewhere to get the procedure done?

It's been two weeks and still no answer. <sigh>

Quote from: davina61 on November 19, 2024, 12:30:49 PMIt can sting around the nose, rest of my face was okay with numbing cream but nose made me wince.

I bet.

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 19, 2024, 02:18:48 PMI contacted my LGBTQ Care Coordinator and told her I needed to know how to request reimbursement for medically necessary treatment. Specifically to cover travel, food, lodging, and electrolysis in Phoenix, since (according to them) the VA has no providers. Then I asked her if she had any heart valves in her desk drawer. If I needed a heart valve transplant and none were available would they let me die, or would they send me somewhere to get the procedure done?

It's been two weeks and still no answer. <sigh>

Not sure what would be better, emailing them once a week or once a day till you get the answers you want lol

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 19, 2024, 03:35:24 PMNot sure what would be better, emailing them once a week or once a day till you get the answers you want lol

I could use Secure Messaging and fill their inbox.  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 19, 2024, 05:34:54 PMI could use Secure Messaging and fill their inbox.  ;D

Yea but then I thought that would be easy to just select all and delete. Especially after a reading a few emails that are the same. Lol

Lately I've been kind of struggling. This will be the start of my third week on Spiro. I must say I'm not really sure how to describe it but I feel almost neutered so to speak. Like I'm not really masculine or feminine. Obviously I knew the side effects and that my libido and desire for sexual intercourse would decrease. But I didn't really think it would change how I felt and or my desire to be more feminine I guess probably not the right way to describe it but I don't really know how to express it in words.

Like before I used to always think about transition and being more feminine and underdressing and everything making hypothetical plans trying to think of every possible situation and scenario so that I have a plan to move forward in the future in any case that something unforeseen happened and was acting as an obstacle for me to overcome in my transition.

Now I barely think about it I barely have the urge to under dress or wear feminine things or put my wig on or try to do my makeup or practice feminine mannerisms. I'm just living day to day, barely even thinking about it. And again it makes me feel weary and is causing some doubts as to if I'm on the right path or not.

Almost makes me want to stop for a week or two or however long it takes for my body to get back to normal and see if all the bad returns, see if the gender dysphoria and stress and depression and everything it affects in my life returns or not. I guess the only good thing would be is that if it did return them I know HRT was doing what it was supposed to do and actually helping me.

But I don't plan to stop not yet anyways. I know it would only set me back if I did stop. I've just been telling myself not to make any rash or quick decisions one way or the other. Just got to continue going with the flow and see how I feel day to day. I'm certainly not going to stop until I at least try both estrogen and Spiro at the same time for the trial. Of 2 to 3 months and see how I feel and react before coming to any kind of determination that it's working or not working for me in terms of mental health stability gender dysphoria.

Has anyone felt anything similar to kind of feeling more non-binary than masculine or feminine in the beginning stages of starting HRT? That's probably the best way I can put it is that I kind of feel like a eunuch neither masculine or feminine just in the middle with no desire towards either direction.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 20, 2024, 01:45:59 PMHas anyone felt anything similar to kind of feeling more non-binary than masculine or feminine in the beginning stages of starting HRT? That's probably the best way I can put it is that I kind of feel like a eunuch neither masculine or feminine just in the middle with no desire towards either direction.

Keep in mind that Spiro suppresses the androgen (maleness) part. Without the estrogen part, it makes sense that you would feel sort of in the middle. Once you start the estrogen, then things swing toward the feminine side. It doesn't necessarily drive you to do more feminine things, but when you are doing them, you will enjoy them more than what you experience right now.

I would say that once you start estradiol, you will know within your first 30 days if it is right or wrong for you. If it doesn't feel right, do not feel like you need to continue for a couple of months to be sure. It is best to stop right then and talk to your doctors (including the therapist) to figure out what is happening. It could be that your dose is too low, in which case it would make sense to continue for another month at a higher dose. But if your labs are good and you are not feeling like it is right, then it is time to re-evaluate and see if something else is going on. The therapist can be a huge help if that is the case.

I am happy that you are paying attention to what your body is telling you. Listen to it and it will tell you what you need or don't need.

My wife and I had a talk last night. I expressed that I wanted to start the estrogen and see how it goes.

I feel like we're both in limbo until I start actually trying things and seeing how they help or dont help me. See agreed, but still has her concerns and reservations about her husband taking female hormones (which is completely understandable)

It wasn't a bad conversation at all, calm and collected. Didn't turn into an argument or anything.

It's just difficult as I'm sure you all know and have your own stories and experiences dealing with your spouse/family. Her and I both hate that it's looking like a choice of self discovery and figuring out who I really am and potentially losing her and our family and life (depending on how far I feel I need to transition) or not and just go back in the closet and try to live as close to a "normal" life as we can.

She understands my point of view, and I understand hers. She fully supports me in anything I feel I need to do, but depending on what it is and how far I feel I need to go she will still support me but no longer as my wife, and just a friend. So once again she has pointed out that she can't go on this journey with me as my spouse depending on how far I feel I need to go.

All that being said, after our talk we decided and agreed that the sooner I start estrogen the sooner we will have more of an idea of what direction our future will go.

I will start and take my first dose of estrogen the first week of Dec. I will finish out the month of November on Spiro alone and then add in Spiro sometime during the first week of Dec.

To be continued...

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 22, 2024, 09:49:57 AMHer and I both hate that it's looking like a choice of self discovery and figuring out who I really am and potentially losing her and our family and life (depending on how far I feel I need to transition) or not

I am so happy that you two can have calm discussions about this. The important thing to remember is that is her decision to stay or go. It is not up to you. The same with family members. It is up to them to try to understand and accept it or not. You must be true to yourself or else you are being dishonest. Think about it, if she decided that she needed to transition to male, how would you feel? Would you be accepting and supportive?

As Gina pointed out in a recent post, she and her spouse were in the same situation as you. Their relationship evolved. They may not live as man and wife anymore but are still close as sisters. All of the stories you have read follow a similar path. At first, it's like "Oh hell no" but love allowed them to explore a bit and see where it would lead. Many are still married even though the relationship evolved into something a little different.

I give your wife and you kudos for taking the time to see how it will go. That is important. She may find that she doesn't mind it as much as she thought she would.

Best of luck!

Yes time will tell. Hopefully our relationship will evolve as we both go through this transition.

As the day is getting closer and closer for me to take my first dose of estrogen i find myself getting anxious and excited about finally trying it.

Realistically I know there probably won't be much of a difference from taking the first dose (but who knows).

What can I expect from my first shot of estrogen?

I know physical changes won't happen quickly, I know I may or may not have mental changes from the first dose (mood, attitude, etc), however I know there can be a sense of relief for finally taking that step, but I don't feel that would be a direct effect from the estrogen just the act itself.

I don't really have any expectations other than the needle will pinch and I might be sore in the injection spot afterwards. Lol.

Even when I was using testosterone I usually didn't notice anything for at least a week or two specifically for mood, attitude, shorter temper and mental changes.

Are there any adverse reactions I should be looking for that would suggest my body and estrogen don't like interacting with one another lol..like an allergic reaction to the medication? I have heard some people (rare) have had almost life threatening issues from starting HRT (again rare)

As you said, the most likely thing you will notice is the excitement of getting started finally. The first day, probably nothing but a sore injection site. By day two, you may notice a difference in your mood. For me, I felt great. Pay attention to any moodiness or depression. That will be your sign. Either bliss or depressed mood sort of tells you if you are on the right track.

It will not be super-obvious. Not like getting smacked with a hammer. Very subtle and you might not notice anything for a few days, then thinking back on it decide, "Oh, yeah I do feel better".

Just relax and enjoy it.

Thanks @Lori Dee I want to make sure I am aware of everything to be looking out for.

I'm not sure if this is normal or not. But I have been having more dreams activity since starting HRT specifically just Spiro than I can remember in the recent past ever having.

Did/does anyone have or had weird dreams when they initially started hrt? And by weird I mean sexual.

It is a month now of being on Spiro and I have had what seems to be the full range of its effects such as in the beginning there was the dull aches down stairs (which has subsided now), less and less erections to practically none, no sex drive or libido.

But now not sure if my body is adapting to the Spiro  or what, but I have had two dreams that were sexual in nature and both time I woke up after climaxing. This was about a week apart or so.

I have not started estrogen yet. I plan to take my first shot tomorrow In The evening since I am going to do lab work in the morning.

Has Anyone else have sexual dreams when they started hrt? Or I guess any dreams that were out of the normal for you specifically .

And in these dreams, I know or I am aware that I have a penis in these dreams but as to the rest of my body I don't know. It has not been revealed as to if I am still a man in these dreams or transitioning and have not had bottom surgery yet.

Just curious since this is the second time this has happened since starting HRT, and before hrt almost no dreaming ( or being able to remember my dreams) what so ever, even when I was on testosterone I had very little dreams I could remember

I figured I would take my measurements again before starting estrogen. My starting stats are (taken aug 31st 2024):

Height 5"8

Weight 193.8

Waist (1 inch above bellybutton) 33.7in

Waist (where my pants normal sit) 34.5

Bust 44in

Under bust 40in

Hips (across my hip bone) 35in

Hips (around fullest part to include my butt) 38.5

Thighs/quads 22in

Calves 14.5 in

Shoulders (measured around outside of my shoulder chest and back, Not across the front shoulder to shoulder. ) 51in

Biceps 16in

Fore
arms 11 in

Neck 15.5 in

My current stats are :

Height 5"8

Weight 189.9 lbs

Waist (1 inch above bellybutton) 35

Waist (where my pants normal sit) 36

Bust 45

Under bust 41

Hips (across my hip bone) 37

Hips (around fullest part to include my butt) 40

Thighs/quads 22.5

Calves 14.5 in

Shoulders (measured around outside of my shoulder chest and back, Not across the front shoulder to shoulder. ) 51.5

Biceps 16.5

Forearms 11 in

Neck 15.5 in


So I have increased in my waist, hips while actually losing weight. The half an inch increase here or there I am not really counting since it could just be a fluctuation from day to day.  I'm kind of dumbfounded that I gained 3 inches around my butt and 2 inches around my waist while actually loosing weight. Not sure how since I'm pretty strict on my meal prep and I'm getting 40-60 min of cardio on the stair Master 5 days a week.

I always measure on the first day of the month only, and always at the same time of day. That helps to rule out too many fluctuations that happen day to day or week to week.

You are correct that a 1/2" isn't much to worry about considering that measurement is all the way around your body. So a 1/2" change at the bustline would actually equal less than 1/4" per breast, plus any change in "back fat".

@Lori Dee I hate back fat. Lol. I'm surprised how much my waist and hips have changed with being off testosterone since April and only being on sprio for a month now. With all the cardio and strict meal prepping.

My pants are starting to fit differently like looser around my waist even tho I have gained size around my waist and hips. Doesn't make sense to me. Hips and waist have gained two inches. And my pants feel looser around my waist but the same maybe the slightest bit tighter around my butt.

I don't know. Just thought it was interesting that my body is adapting already. Even if it was just a change in my metabolism from not being on any male hormones, and my body storing fat in different places.

Testosterone is much more powerful than estrogen. Your body produces both. So by blocking the T in essence you are on a microdose of E. With nothing to oppose it, the changes start getting ready to happen. Once the E gets going, the body will continue to react.

I was disappointed at first because I was gaining at the waist and little elsewhere. That changed when my hormone levels finally got high enough (to my standards, not the doctors'). Now bust and hips fluctuate with weight, but my waist has remained the same for a few months.

It will be interesting to see how your changes happen over time. Don't get disappointed, just stay the course. It takes time but you'll get there.

@Lori Dee yea. I am curious as to what my body's new normal will be once it gets adjusted to hrt.

Weight gain is Definitely going to be something I will prob fight with mentally. I have always had issues with weight and body image issues.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on December 04, 2024, 04:00:11 PM@Lori Dee yea. I am curious as to what my body's new normal will be once it gets adjusted to hrt.

Weight gain is Definitely going to be something I will prob fight with mentally. I have always had issues with weight and body image issues.

My body and I have reached an agreement. It can gain all it wants to in the bust and hips, but leave the waist alone. I'd love to have curves if I can. So far, so good.  ;D

Lol

Well members of susans place, I took my first shot of estrogen last night. I have to say I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary other than the physical act of sticking a foreign metal object into my body. Lol. I will have to monitor myself over the next few days to see if my mood or an attitude changes while my body absorbs the new hormone. 

I have to say I felt more anxious and anxiety than anything else even slightly depressed yesterday all day thinking about having to give myself an injection. Even when I used to use steroids I always hated when I would have to give myself a shot I don't know why I just never like doing it even though I was physically capable of doing it just fine. You never know something can always go wrong you can pin the wrong place or go through a knot or cramp up while you're doing it or something but luckily that was not the case and usually isn't the case whenever I have to give myself a shot. I'm not saying it's never happened but typically I try to plan my shots when I know a certain muscle group isn't going to be sore or being worked out that day and trying to recover from a workout. 

Anyways I think my biggest source of anxiety yesterday was thinking about taking my first shot and at the same time letting my wife know that I was going to take my first shot and whatever could possibly happen surrounding having that conversation with her. 

But all in all it went well. No arguments with my wife or anything. Nothing out of the normal for performing the actual act of taking shot, and nothing out of the norm for afterwards. 

Not even any dreams that I could remember, which I find weird since When I used to take a shot of testosterone I would almost always have a dream that I can remember the same night after taking a shot. So I'll have to see how estrogen affects my dream cycles if at all.

Glad it went well.

I think the anxiety was just the stress of starting something new and all of the related factors. Within a couple of months, it becomes secondhand. I even forget which side I injected so have a system so I remember which side is next so I can alternate. I have a small urn-style incense burner in my bathroom. If I inject my left side, I move the urn to the right of the shelf. The following week, I inject the right side and move the urn to the left side of the shelf. That works for me.

Eventually, you will find your own routine and it will become a minor issue.

Just think, the clock is now running and your boobs can start growing!  :eusa_clap:  :eusa_dance:

@Lori Dee yes the countdown to the bomb blowing up my life as I know it has started lol

Quote from: Robbyv213 on December 05, 2024, 11:57:06 AM@Lori Dee yes the countdown to the bomb blowing up my life as I know it has started lol

It's not a bomb, usually. Changes will be gradual, but one day you will begin to notice a calmness that you may have never felt before. As some people describe it, the squirrels will stop running around inside your head. The only 'bomb' is telling others. Once they know, you can't put the pin back into the grenade. Unlike most bombs, this one is usually a delayed reaction. However, those closest to you will usually have the quickest and most dramatic reactions. Good luck.

Love always -- Jess

@Jessica_Rose yes. That's exactly what I mean. The having to come out socially and possibly blow up my entire social life, my small group of friends, gym buddies, and work (assuming I won't have to find another job).

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 22, 2024, 09:49:57 AMShe fully supports me in anything I feel I need to do, but depending on what it is and how far I feel I need to go she will still support me but no longer as my wife, and just a friend. So once again she has pointed out that she can't go on this journey with me as my spouse depending on how far I feel I need to go.

She's being pretty fair about this. Better to know where you stand with an agentic partner than to live with uncertainty. Go for it.

I had my second laser hair removal appointment yesterday. It went okay. The laser seem to have left red bumps all over my arms and a few spots on my torso. The closest thing I can kind of compare it to is like razor burn but without the irritation. They were more predominant yesterday and have somewhat faded or dissipated but they're still clearly there.

I also tried doing my neckline and working into my face but my face/neck line was pretty painful. And after having an hour session of doing my arms torso and chest I didn't want to try to endure having my face done as well. So I'll probably hold off on my face or do it when I'm only doing my face versus multiple body parts at the same time.

I thought I had a higher tolerance for pain but there's something about that laser that really hurts like a mofo. But then just as quick as the pain is there the pain is gone. So I don't know.

I guess my main concern would be any kind of skin sensitivity and irritation caused by the laser that would be left on my face and if I have a bunch of red bumps left on my face like my arms I'm probably not likely to move further with it. So we'll see how these red bumps go away with time on my arms.

The first session there were no red bumps left afterwards so I don't know if the first time wasn't as good or it's just that my body is now reacting to the laser whereas the first time my body was adapting to something new.

I would be very surprised if the laser even works on facial hair. I tried it and it didn't. The PA that did it said that the roots of facial hair are very deep compared to body hair. Laser just doesn't have the energy to get to the root. It has got to be electrolysis.

I tried using an IPL with carbon black to get deep into the pores and I cranked up the energy almost full-throttle and burned the crap out of my skin. Lesson learned. Don't play around with things that don't work. Go for electrolysis and be done with it.

Laser worked on my facial dark hair, shame that was only about a 1/3 of it. Depends on the machine being used, my lady tec had an up to date machine and even when on high setting never burnt my face.

Yea. Unfortunately I have to use the laser first for the 8-12 sessions (what ever it is that they say is the full procedure) before they will go on to electrolysis for what ever hairs the laser did not get.

My skin is pale and I have dark hair, so hopefully the laser will work for most of my hair. I do have some greys on my face when I had let my facial hair grow out. Those will for sure need electrolysis or I'll just shave those if the laser gets the rest

That was my experience too, that they had to attempt laser first. Then report back to the VA that it was unsuccessful. That got me the consult to cover electrolysis specifically, not just "beard removal". Gotta love government procedures.  ;D

Took my second dose of estrogen. No stress or anxiety before hand. Decided to take it first thing after my morning shower after the gym. This way I can see how it affects me during the day vs taking it at night and then going to bed.

I haven't noticed anything from my first injection 2 weeks ago. Which is what I expected. I don't think the dose and injection frequency will be enough for me to notice any changes or affects by the 3 months check up and labs. I think once every 14 days is to little and too far in-between. Oh well it's the lovely game the VA plays, good thing I've leveled up and prestige multiple times at playing the VAs game lol ( thats a call of duty reference)

I do mine in the morning too.

Many of the women here who are on injections do them weekly. It is possible you need them more frequently, but your labs will tell the tale. Hopefully, the labs will be drawn on the day before your next injection. That way, your doctor can see what your lowest level is and then adjust up.

It isn't really important to know how high it is right after an injection. If the labs are mid-cycle, it will only show approximately what your average is. If you can, make sure your appointment is set for the day before. If your level is low, then you have ammo to ask for weekly injections to get your levels up.

Yeah that's what a lot of people have been telling me to do my labs the day before I would administer an injection. My endocrinologist wants me to take it as close as possible to the halfway mark in between injections. So I think she's wanting to see more of the average versus what my lowest point is between injections. Which I feel is probably her way of trying to avoid faster progress.

Worst case scenario I'll just say I forgot and got them done when I could which will be the day before my next appointment lol.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on December 18, 2024, 10:13:49 AMWorst case scenario I'll just say I forgot and got them done when I could which will be the day before my next appointment lol.

The VA is pretty good about letting you reschedule an appointment if you can't make it that day.  ;D
Just be sure to allow 10 days for the lab results to be back before your doctor appt. Hormone labs can take that long, especially around holidays.

Yea. My next appointment should be early March or end of Feb. That would be the 3 months mark for starting Estrogen

Hello everyone it's been a little while since I've made a post. I've been really struggling with doubts and trying to figure out who I really am and what I am versus who I show up as everyday and if they're the same or if parts of those people are just the mask I wear to protect myself and get through each day.

As you know I I started Spyro in November and started estrogen in December. I was hoping that it would clarify things for me and really solidify who I thought I was and who I am versus what I have been living as my entire life. Unfortunately it has not.

Before HRT I found myself constantly thinking and feeling and having desires and urges to be feminine to transition wondering what it would be like to experience all of life as a woman and I felt these things and thought these thoughts and had these urges and desires since as long as I can remember.

What HRT did was I no longer felt those feelings or urges or desires I no longer had those thoughts that would consume me about wanting to transition or how I would transition or wondering what it would be like to be a woman. So in that sense HRT did help me become more present and being able to focus at work versus having all these thoughts and feelings overwhelm me all day everyday.

I felt like I was a little more in tune with my feelings or that I felt my feelings a Little bit stronger and more in-depth versus not feeling my feelings or I guess not allowing myself to feel my feelings. There were the moments where I would be laughing and making jokes and then the next moment I internally felt like I wanted to cry and I would tear up for no apparent reason.

I noticed that my sexual desire and urges also diminished which I frankly don't have a problem with but I know that was one of the biggest issues for my wife. And I felt guilty for being okay with not being able to perform or having the desire or want or urge for sexual intimacy and while my wife is not necessarily suffering but I'm not able to meet her desires and needs. So I felt guilty and ashamed because I wanted or want something opposite then what my wife does.

I felt that things were changing on my body a little bit. I noticed that I definitely was becoming softer and or more pudgy. Which was and is a big hurdle for me since I've been this big muscular tone fit guy for 24 plus years. I was hoping that I'd be able to maintain most of that but maybe become a slightly smaller weaker more feminine version of that. But even though I have only been on the medication for a total of 2 months it did not seem like that was the direction my body was changing.

Getting back to sexual intimacy I noticed things downstairs were shrinking probably due to the hormones and the lack of use and stimulation as well. Again I didn't have a problem with this but my wife does. Even using erectile dysfunction medication didn't seem to really help, granted those medications didn't really seem to touch me anyways even before starting hormones it seemed like they were Hit or Miss if I would get the desired effects from the ED medication. All this led to more guilt and shame for wanting and being happy to see some of these changes whereas my wife is unhappy to see these changes and that these changes were causing her more stress and anxiety for what's happening and what could potentially happen in the future in terms of our relationship and marriage.

As you all probably know my story I had been working on my body and trying to bodybuild and being physically fit and active for 24 plus years. And that was my goal was to build this muscular masculine body honestly because I felt it would protect me and having that presence of being a big muscular man people treat you differently. You you get certain attention and interactions with people for just being a muscular fit person above the average muscular fit person. I am by no means or was I ever as big as a professional bodybuilder even though that was one of my dreams and goals I had never reached. I can say for certain I was bigger and more muscular and tone than the average gym goer not quite a professional bodybuilder in terms of size and muscularity but a lot bigger than the average Joe. Anyways my point being is I would be known for being the muscular dude with the haircut and the tattoos and my wife would be known for being the fit chick with tattoos and dreads right and everywhere we went people would recognize us from the gym. Or at the gym people would randomly come up and talk to me and ask my advice or ask me to help them or spot them or whatever they were doing. Since being off male hormones and by that I mean steroids since May, I have noticed that I have become like a shell of my former self. Granted I knew what I was doing and I knew that I would lose size and strength but I didn't expect it to be to this extent. Slowly but surely everything I talked about before the interactions with people they attention the recognition even the safety of being a bigger muscular guy faded and went away. By safety I mean people tend to treat you differently if you're a big dude versus a smaller person in stature. No one is typically going to try to start anything or mess with a big muscular guy.

All of that slowly faded and went away. I noticed people weren't interacting with me at the gym anymore. People weren't asking me for spots people weren't recognizing me around town going food shopping or whatever we were doing for the day even though I would recognize people from the gym they wouldn't even bat an eye with how much I had physically changed in my appearance. And this is something that I'm also struggling with I spent so long trying to build this body of mine with hopes and dreams of eventually becoming a professional bodybuilder at some level, and even though I realize that those dreams are pretty far-fetched and probably unrealistic unless I use a really unhealthy amount of antibiotic steroids to get there and destroy my health and body that these dreams and these goals are probably just a nice fantasy to think about every now and again. But it was a lot of time and effort and money and sweat and energy to transform my body from being an overweight teenager to a fit muscular man.

I also noticed since being off of testosterone that I started to get sick more often. Again Iris was off testosterone in May of 2024. Since May till present I've been sick a total of three different times. Where is when I had been on a more consistent routine of being on testosterone I get sick maybe once a year maybe even once every 2 years and when I did get sick it would only be for a couple of days to a week where is now since I've been off of testosterones when I get sick I'm sick for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. I don't know if the hormonal changes and my body adapting weakens or puts my immune system at a higher risk of catching things but I have noticed that I have been getting sick more often.

Since starting HRT I felt like I had become a cancer patient. I had no energy I was probably working myself too hard at work and in the gym trying to lose weight and trying to maintain my size and strength as much as possible I ended up catching pneumonia. I finally went in on Christmas day in the evening to the ER because I had chest pains in my right lung and I couldn't sleep I didn't know what was happening I wasn't sure if I was having a heart attack or not granted I know heart attack is usually on the left side but they were other symptoms that made me feel that it could have been cardiac as well. Anyways after the our visit they said that I had pneumonia gave me antibiotics and I was on my way.

I completed the antibiotics and everything and I'm still sick I still have a lagging cough I feel like it's almost like I am constantly running outside in the winter trying to breathe and catch my breath breathing cold air and that's giving me this fits of coughing. My strength and energy is still down.

Anyways getting back to the main point of this post is that I was left more confused being on HRT. I know we're not supposed to talk about actual prescriptions and dosages and whatever the protocol the endocrinologist is saying to do but let's just say I felt my dose was too small or the frequency was too far and in between. Again I would have mood swings and everything I thought that made me feel and believe that I need to transition went away. I guess you can say all that noise that was in my head and feelings and urges before HRT subsided while I was on HRT.

But that being said I didn't feel like a man nor did I feel like a woman and I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror anymore either like I said I looked and felt like I was a cancer patient my face was sunken in my skin was pale I was trying to grow my hair out and keeping my face shaved and it just showed everything that I guess is the uglier or undesired side of transitioning especially in the beginning before you start to see the changes before you come out of your cocoon and emerge a beautiful butterfly.

So I had decided to stop all HRT because while being on it I felt neutered and I was confused and I was starting to have doubts because I didn't know why all those feelings and urges and thoughts went away I thought that those things would maintain constant throughout and even after transition to help fuel and motivate me to be able to go through the hardships of transitioning.

I have been off HRT since the beginning of January my last shot was the first Wednesday in January 2025. Since then I haven't been on either estrogen or Spiro. After 2 weeks which when I felt that that the estrogen and Spyro had been wearing off I decided to go get a natural over-the-counter testosterone supplement. Granted I feel they are more of a placebo than an actual supplement that helps you like antibiotic steroids. I noticed that all that noise is starting to return. All those thoughts feelings desires and urges to be feminine. The wanting to experience life as a woman and wondering what life as a woman feels like and is is starting to come back a little stronger each day.

Also since starting the over-the-counter tribulus I noticed that I have a skin irritation. There are parts of my arms and legs that feel like they have hives or a rash that itches. I can only relate it to kind of being like an itchy razor burn that gets more irritated when I'm hot sweating and or clothing rubbing against it. And I'm not all that convinced that it is not due to the sudden fluctuation of hormones in my body. I know what I am doing is pretty dangerous and stupid messing around with my hormones because at this point I'll probably need to be on some form of hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life whether it's estrogen or whether it's testosterone.

Since taking me tribulus supplement I've noticed my sexual desire return I've noticed things kind of return to normal downstairs in terms of function and size. I've noticed more random erections or waking up in the morning with an erection. Which is great for my wife and she has definitely noticed. She definitely if she had her way would prefer me to stay her husband and not become a woman. But that's just who she is and I can't hold that against her. Unfortunately now even though I'm happy that I'm able to start fulfilling her needs again and probably making her feel more desired, when before due to my lack of sexual interest and libido I wasn't making her feel as desired even though that was not my intention she is definitely noticed and I feel she is less stressed out and happier about it. I unfortunately feel like I'm lying to her because even though I'm happy that I'm able to do these things for her again I internally am having a struggle with it because deep down I know I want to be a woman and I don't want to have an erection or a penis. I definitely still wanted a sexual desire and libido but I would prefer to be a woman's sexual desire and libido. So now I feel guilty because I have this internal struggle and this external struggle of wanting to please and make my wife happy in all aspects of life when internally I want similar things but as a woman not as a man.

So with all this going on and happening and being in my head and having doubts for a week's at a time and then feeling affirmed and knowing who I am and knowing I need to transition and flip flopping back and forth I had decided to stop HRT and try the weakest form of testosterone I can find without getting a prescription or doing something illegal. And like I said now that I am feeling like I have my testosterone levels building back up higher than what they were definitely higher than what they were on HRT that all of the noise the thoughts the feelings the urges the dysphoria is slowly returning a little more each day.

I have set up a mental health appointment through the VA for the end of this month and I set up a mental health appointment with my therapist that I pay for out of pocket for the beginning of February to hopefully hash through everything that I'm feeling and experiencing. I want to continue to take the over the counter testosterone supplement to see how much these things return to or if it's something that is more manageable.

I even thought maybe I need to go more of a non-binary path for HRT allowing both testosterone and estrogen to be in my system since I probably had really unhealthy low levels of estrogen for many years of my life being on anabolic steroids.

So that's pretty much about it that's everything I've been going through since my last post. I'm starting to think or at least recognize that I'm probably not ready to commit to transitioning and that all the fears and doubts that we all typically have and go through are what is holding me back.

And I'm also struggling with trying to figure out who I really am and what I really am. By that I mean what is really me and what is really just part of the mask that I wear and the actions I do wearing that mask for the rest of the world and for me to feel protected and safe. For example I've been in the gym and bodybuilding for over 24 years is that really part of who I am and part of my character and part of my being or is that something that is part of the mask that I did or is it both. And I feel until I really figure out who and what I really am that I can't move forward with accepting that I'm trans and want to transition and become a woman and live the rest of my life as a woman.

Anyways sorry for the long post it's been a while since I last posted so I wanted to update everyone and let you know that I am doing okay or as best as anyone can be in this world that we live in. I hope everyone is well and I look forward to reading your responses suggestions and advice.

Oh one last thing I think I have finally settled on a name. And that name is Robin. I made a private Instagram profile with the username of Robin's song and I have been using face app to create pictures of me with a female face and feminine features which I found when I do this and look at these pictures I feel good about myself and the potential and possibility of who I can become through transition. I know using such apps like faceapp can also be a bad thing since it can give me unrealistic expectations and cause even further anxiety and stress since I don't look like that and that I could potentially never look like that without a lot of surgery.

So I don't do it too often but I find that it definitely helps and makes me feel good and gives me motivation for becoming the person I see in that altered picture

I had also been keeping a journal of all my thoughts and feelings that I've been having recently as well so hopefully that will help me in figuring things out and coming up with a plan and a path to move forward

Hi Robin!

Thanks for the update. It's good to see you back here.

As you try to figure things out, go back and look at the timeline you posted above. This can be helpful. Notice how you were feeling at each stage. How did that change? Do you see a pattern?

Notice what you said that you are okay with, and what you are not okay with.

You are doing the right thing by discussing these things with your therapists. They won't give you the answer, that is for you to discover. But they can give you another perspective to help you see something you might be missing.

I hope you get to feeling better physically and mentally, whether you transition or not. Get healthy first, then take your time to figure out your path.

Best wishes and hugs!

Hi Robin,

It sounds like you're facing challenges from many directions, and there seems a lot to unpack in one sitting.

Have you considered discussing this with your therapist?

They can help you narrow down the underlying causes of your symptoms and work with you to develop an effective treatment plan.

I know the term "treatment plan" might sound intimidating, but it's really just a framework to help break everything down into more manageable pieces, making it easier to address each concern step by step.

In other words tackling one at a time. This approach works for me when I am faced with many challenges all at once. I know we're all different and what works for some might not work for others.

But reading your post I think it's worth a try to discuss it with your therapist.

@Lilis thank you for the advice. I have yet to speak to my therapist about all this. I don't plan to at our next session.

@Lori Dee thank you. As always you know exactly what to say

Quote from: Robbyv213 on January 17, 2025, 12:37:31 PM@Lori Dee thank you. As always you know exactly what to say

Thanks. Not always, but I try to empathize and help if I can.  :)

I had been off Spiro for a total of around 20 days. And I have noticed that all the noise of before came back, to the same intensity as it was before. I have been having trouble trying to stay in the moment and focusing on what I am doing since all I can do is think about wanting to be a woman and experience life as woman.

After I speak with my therapist here tomorrow and i have decided they I want to resume my hrt. Granted I had only been off Spiro for around 20 days and I would have missed my last ev shot by about 5 days, so not all that bad in the bigger picture.

In the 20 days off of Spiro and the 20 days since my last ev shot as well, I have noticed my sexual desire, libido and function returning to normal. Which I am ok with as I know that I can still fullfil my wife's needs.

I am thinking about asking my endocrinologist if there is anyway to be on the maximum dose for hrt for feminizing affects while micro dosing t-gel every now and then to maintain function downstairs, while my wife and I are still together. I have tried all the other e.d medications and they barely worked before HRT, and during hrt I would have had to double the dose and even then it was hit or miss and I felt it was getting into a dangerous area (especially with medications such as Viagra and or Cialis).

Does anyone have any information or resources on how they would continue HRT for feminizing affects while implementing low does t for sexual function, if the normal e.d. medication doesn't work?

The problem is that the two major hormones compete with each other.

High E will suppress T and vice versa. Your Endo is more qualified to explain this better than I am, but I think you should discuss this with the therapist about WHY you want what you want. The reason I say this is because you are trying to do two opposite things at once, and adding herbals, other medications, and such is just going to throw the whole system into chaos. STOP IT.

Estrogen causes E.D. Finasteride affects the 5a-reductase enzyme, which affects estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. You want to live as a woman, but please your wife as a functioning male. I think you need to figure out what your goal is and let the doctors prescribe the appropriate treatment.

I also think that having both a female body able to perform male sexual acts may not be feasible through hormone treatment. If you and your therapist agree that this is the path you wish to follow, then I would suggest surgical treatments so that your male hormones can get back to work. Opt for breast implants and hair transplants and whatever other feminine traits you wish to adopt. My concern is that in your efforts to achieve your goal, you could be taking some dangerous actions. Messing with your endocrine (hormone) system can have serious health effects. Hormones control so much more than just sex characteristics. I am afraid you are playing with fire trying to DIY.

Please talk to your therapist AND your doctors so that everyone knows what your goal is. That way you don't have one doctor thinking it is this and another thinking it is that, and both are confused about what the other is prescribing. Please do not take risks with your health.

Hugs!

This is a toughie.  You have competing interests.  This should all be discussed with your physicians and your therapist.  What would work for someone else may not work for you. 

Estrogen can have powerful impact on your body.  Everyone is different.

I hope there is a way to safely obtain your desired results.


Chrissy

I can understand wanting to please a female with your male parts if that is what she craves.
However, it seems incongruent to use them as a woman, but the desire to please can be strong.
So using them sexually is a very personal decision.

But as feminization continues it seems that it makes sense that there will be a time when they will likely not work well as sexual parts or not at all.

I agree with everything every one has said. I was hesitant to even bring this topic up as it is a very taboo and tough topic especially with the most understanding people on the planet.

 I finally was able to get therapy set up for a six week back to back program through the VAs mental health specialist that also deals with the LGBTQ community and specifically trans individuals. So hopefully I will be able to sort through some of this.

I do know it is not completely unheard of trans women continuing to use t-gel to maintain function while being on HRT. And I do know that both women and men have both hormones in their bodies to be normal and healthy, it's just obviously the levels are in the correct balance and ratio.

But ultimately I feel my intentions to keep my function does not come from my own personal desires and more so continuing to please and meet the expectations of the people I love and care about, which again is just more denial and self destructive behavior.

My wife and I had talked last night, another conversation where I can see all this absolutely eating her up inside. And she is hoping I have an answer for her as to what direction I am wanting to go in, by the time these 6 sessions with the VA therapist has come to an end or if I get another round of sessions added to the schedule. But it felt like an ultimatum, I know that's not how she intended it to come off, and even she said that she realized that's how it was perceived but she also doesn't want to get dragged along either. And I don't want to drag her along or waste anyone's time as well.

It's just a short amount of time to try and unpack and sort through alot of things in order to come to a decision as to what direction I want to go in (in terms of commitment to transition or not or something in-between.)

And I know how dangerous playing with my hormones can be. As of right now I'm just trying to find out all that I can about it, before committing to doing anything especially without the supervision of a professional.

Unfortunately we also just signed or renewed our lease for the rental we have. So not sure how that will play out since we both are not financially able to live on our own after this past year with the house fire and other things completely clearing out both our savings accounts. So yeah. Life is about to get difficult to say the least.

Well because I reached out to my endocrinologist inquiring about remaining functional while wanting to pursue hrt to transition she cancel all my current prescriptions for hrt and told me to discontinue everything. All bc I ask a few questions and told her what I had experienced.

And then they wonder why people decide to go the diy route...

Just another reason why I'll never use the VA again.

What is wrong with asking questions?

If you feel that you were not treated fairly, please contact the Patient Advocate. Tell them what happened. They can find out what happened and get you back on track. I understand it feels like a breach of trust, but I urge you to do not DIY. You will do more harm to yourself than good and you are less likely to get the results you are shooting for.

If not the VA, then another doctor who can supervise and monitor your hormones. Don't risk your health.

I hope you can get your desired results. 

I too think all of your meds must be managed by your physicians.  Be safe. 

Endo's can be a pain. When I started HRT, I was afraid of the endo so I went to Plume an on line doctor and received my first prescription. When I went to the Endo a few months latter, I asked a lot of questions. Many about how long before I would have trouble passing as a man or how long would I be able to hide it. Her response was, I don't think you are serious and I would not give you a prescription but since you are already on it I have no choice. I felt like I had cheated but I was on my way. Fast forward, I have had my bottom surgery, a nose job, and living as a woman. She still sees me but is much nicer now and I remind her of that first secession.  I think many Endo's don't have a lot of experience with trans people and really have no clue.

Quote from: Gina P on January 25, 2025, 08:39:14 AMI think many Endo's don't have a lot of experience with trans people and really have no clue.

This is so true. Remember that we are less than 1% of the entire population, so many healthcare providers have never met one of us.

Endos primarily treat diseases like diabetes and thyroid issues. I see a gynecologist in the Women's Health Clinic and most of her patients are dealing with reproductive issues.

Many of the older women have issues with menopause symptoms and that is what HRT was designed for. So it makes sense that they would be the ones to monitor hormone levels and prescribe HRT as needed to achieve gender-specific serum levels per WPATH guidelines.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on January 23, 2025, 01:10:32 PMWell because I reached out to my endocrinologist inquiring about remaining functional while wanting to pursue hrt to transition

Hi Robin, check out this conversation, it contains a lot of useful information that could potentially help guide you toward achieving your desired results.

I hope this helps.

LINK: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,130268.0.html

Thank you everyone.

@Lori Dee how do I get my patient advocate involved? I feel I should have one present for my next Endo visit which is about a week from now.

I feel if my advocate is not there I won't be taken seriously.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on January 29, 2025, 07:51:43 AMThank you everyone.

@Lori Dee how do I get my patient advocate involved? I feel I should have one present for my next Endo visit which is about a week from now.

I feel if my advocate is not there I won't be taken seriously.

For Phoenix VA:
https://www.va.gov/phoenix-health-care/locations/phoenix-va-clinic/

The various clinics are on the left. Select the clinic you use. Scroll down and below the main information, like address and phone number, is a link "Get help from a patient advocate".

Scroll down to a list of PAs and their contact info.

Good luck!

Yes, good luck!  I hope it all works out.

Chrissy

Thank you

I was able to get a hold of my patient care advocate representative. And they pretty much said that I have to wait until after the appointment to see how it goes before they'll intervene or do anything.

They said that they can only accompany me to an appointment if it was at their main building where the patient advocates are housed.

So any other time I won't ever be able to have a patient advocate with me at any of my appointments if it's not at one or two specific facilities and because my endocrinologist is not at either of those facilities I don't get to have a patient advocate with me.

That being said they definitely can get involved after the appointment if I still feel that the outcome was negative or that I'm not receiving the best care from my endocrinologist.

Currently because there is an appointment next week they said that it looks like the endocrinologist is wanting to take a step back and reevaluate and come up with a new course of action at the next appointment, and then if not or if the appointment doesn't go well that's when I can get back in contact with the patient advocate team and they will investigate or do whatever it is that they do.

Have you tried to contact your LGBTQ Care Coordinator? Mine has offered to sit in on appointments with me if I felt I needed support. It doesn't hurt to ask.

It also doesn't hurt to have an ally right there at your side.

No, not yet. I'm not sure if we even have one still. I've tried contacting them for a long time and I have not heard anything back from them since Aug Sept time of 2024.

OK, that is understandable.

Just view the appointment as the Endo is reconsidering. Maybe this time they will listen more carefully. Be prepared to explain what you want and why. Maybe they will be more helpful this time.

Good luck.

Is it practical to simply go to a low cost community health care center for gender care, or is it not that simple if you have been using VA benefits?  That is, if the cost is really low, and you can afford it, is that a practical alternative to working through the VA for gender related care?

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 29, 2025, 08:08:42 PMIs it practical to simply go to a low cost community health care center for gender care, or it not that simple if you have been using VA benefits?  That is, if the cost is really low, and you can afford it, is that a practical alternative to working through the VA for gender related care?

It is certainly an option. But VA care is no charge for veterans and our co=pay for medicines is a fraction of what others pay at their local pharmacy.

But if things go sideways with Trump's EOs, then we all might be seeking care outside of the VA. The important thing is to get care established through the VA first. Then if necessary take those medical records to a private physician to show you have the diagnosis and a treatment protocol established. That makes it easier for a new doctor to know where to start, instead of starting from scratch.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrows appointment with my Endocrinologist... I just feel it's going to go badly. Especially now that Trump is in office.

Has anyone heard anything official about wether the v/a will continue to cover things like hormone replacement, or laser hair removal, vocal therapy, and prosthetics? I have another laser appointment coming up this weekend and I'd hate to be charged for it, since we know how quickly the VA is with getting notices of coverage sent out.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on February 04, 2025, 02:51:53 PMI'm not looking forward to tomorrows appointment with my Endocrinologist... I just feel it's going to go badly. Especially now that Trump is in office.

Has anyone heard anything official about wether the v/a will continue to cover things like hormone replacement, or laser hair removal, vocal therapy, and prosthetics? I have another laser appointment coming up this weekend and I'd hate to be charged for it, since we know how quickly the VA is with getting notices of coverage sent out.

Hey, Robby! I was just thinking about you today.

So far, no change at the VA.
I am carefully watching for any announcements in that area. Yes, the "We serve all who served" rainbow posters have vanished from the walls, but the website is still up with no changes to coverage.

Go to: https://www.patientcare.va.gov/lgbt/

When this page goes dark, I'll know it is starting to happen.

Hang tough. Remember that your Endo is reconsidering their earlier position. They really want to help you, they just don't understand. Help them understand so they can figure out how to help you. I think it will turn out better than you think.

Hugs!

Thanks @Lori Dee I really hope it goes better than what I am expecting.

Good to know. I'll bookmark that page and check it frequently.

Took an hour to get to my VA's office where my endocrinologist is located. Now I'm waiting to be called. I need to figure out how to get a endocrinologist more local to where I live. This 1 hour drive one way for an appointment (that's prob going to go bad) is b.s.

I know multiple veterans who refuse to go see a VA doctor and have all their health care done at in network non VA facilities. So I know it can be done.

I hope it goes well!

Chrissy

Finally had my Endo appointment. I learned that my endocrinologist is basically new there and like an understudy because today I had or my endocrinologist had the department head sit in with our appointment. And he actually had to explain a lot of things to her that she was just under certain assumptions so to speak if you will. He had to remind her that this is my journey and transition and that there's no one way right way or wrong way to do it. And that they're there to help me along the way and be as safe and healthy as possible while on this journey. So that was nice and refreshing.

The department had actually agreed with me when I said that what was previously prescribed was too low or infrequent of a recommended dosage for estrogen. Which was previously once every 2 weeks. They decided to change it to one injection once a week.

So that I'm happy about. Obviously the doses change from one week versus the two week but I feel even at the different dose the hormone should be more steady and consistent in my bloodstream than once every 14 days.

They decided to for the time being not prescribe any androgen blockers and told me not to take any of the ones I still had left. They said they wanted to try estrogen only therapy to see how that affects my mood energy levels libido and my concerns about being able to still function.

I know estrogen on its own can eventually suppress testosterone but I don't see that happening at the doses that they prescribed even for weekly injections. But I feel it's definitely a move in the right direction and at the very least I still have a prescription or I should rephrase inactive prescription in my name so that if things do worse in with the new administration they have to at least continue what they already prescribed.

The department head explain that it usually takes about five injections or five half lives of the hormone to become steady enough and or more dominant in your body and once that happens that's usually when most of the initial negative side effects from suppressing testosterone and introducing a new hormone fade away.

So now I have my next appointment in about 8 weeks which should be enough time for five injections they want to see where my levels are on estrogen only therapy and see how well or not it is at suppressing my testosterone on its own.

I did ask about testosterone gel since some endocrinologist prescribed that for individuals specifically in the adult film industry to maintain function and he said that while that that is true they typically only prescribe it once an individual has reached their optimal dose and hormone levels so he didn't exactly say no he pretty much just said that at this time it's not recommended because my body will be trying to do too many different things hormonally at once versus getting set in my ways on estrogen and then re-adding a small dose of testosterone and or lowering any anti androgens at that time. Odds are they're probably going to play around with any anti androgens first before they prescribe even in a small amount a hormone that will go against my hormone replacement therapy.

So besides having to drive an hour to my appointment I feel the air has been cleared and it's went as well as it could have gone.

At the very minimum I'm happy to have another active prescription for hormone replacement therapy. They said they'll consider reintroducing a anti-androgen once I become more clear on what my goals needs and wants are with transition and hormone replacement therapy. Which is going to have a lot to do with my therapist and I putting in that work.

Which unfortunately because I was paying for out-of-pocket for therapy sessions I had not had one since September or so. So there was a lot of time especially during my initial trial on hormones that I did not have a therapist to speak to and it was only until recently that I was able to get six weeks scheduled with the VA mental health therapist. So hopefully after these 6 weeks I'll be in a better position to move forward.

I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense I'm using speak to text so there might be some words or phrases that my phone is not picking up on.

That's pretty much it however I do not like having to rely on the VA for my healthcare or prescriptions especially this kind of care and prescriptions with the current administration. And the way the world is currently viewing a song I definitely feel like it's a good idea to have at least some sort of medical freedom or stockpile of hormones since it can be so easily canceled and taken away or constantly having pharmacies be out of stock on your prescriptions.

I have my first of six therapy sessions tomorrow on video appointment and I have my fourth laser hair removal sessions on Sunday. I know I should probably start doing laser on my face since it's a long process to get rid of facial hair but at the same time I definitely don't want to not be able to disguise myself with facial hair so that I can still not before to come out sooner than later.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on February 05, 2025, 02:07:22 PMSo besides having to drive an hour to my appointment I feel the air has been cleared and it's went as well as it could have gone.

I'm really happy for you, Robin. It sounds like you're on the right track with HRT.

Robby,

That sounds good. 

I have not experienced a shortage or outage of estrogen.  I have heard that others have, mostly overseas, but sometimes here in the USA.  Such as a patch was not available. 

Chrissy

Quote from: Robbyv213 on February 05, 2025, 09:18:49 AMTook an hour to get to my VA's office where my endocrinologist is located. Now I'm waiting to be called. I need to figure out how to get a endocrinologist more local to where I live. This 1 hour drive one way for an appointment (that's prob going to go bad) is b.s.

I know multiple veterans who refuse to go see a VA doctor and have all their health care done at in network non VA facilities. So I know it can be done.

Just explain the situation to your Primary. They can send a consult through Care in the Community to see someone local.

I spoke with my patient advocate again explaining the situation that I have no confidence in my current endocrinologist seeing as she had two different Drs sit in at each appointment now, and that those Drs were the ones that decided the recommendations for the prescriptions, and that I felt she had certain pre disposition to how trans care should be and what she was going to do and not do already decided in her head.

The advocate is trying to get me to be only a patient of the last Dr that sat in with us at my last visit, and if not then requesting I be sent out into community care to a more local facility, based on best medical interest of the patient (since I would not qualify for distance from the VA facilities or driving time which is calculated by a VA computer in perfect driving conditions).

So that's my most current update. I should here back in 7 days max, as to what they are going to do to rectify the situation.

Sorry that it is becoming such a battle for you. Hang in there.

Hopefully, it will all get resolved soon.

Robby,

I hope you get a satisfactory arrangement for your doctor.


Chrissy

Robby,


Have a nice weekend too!


Chrissy

They have moved me over to the other doctor that sat in with us on the most recent appointment. The Dr who came up with my current prescription recommendations. Next Endo Apt is March 31 a Monday, so I'll need to do labs on a Friday two weeks before hand.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on February 10, 2025, 05:01:16 PMThey have moved me over to the other doctor that sat in with us on the most recent appointment. The Dr who came up with my current prescription recommendations. Next Endo Apt is March 31 a Monday, so I'll need to do labs on a Friday two weeks before hand.

I hope it all works out well for you. 

Chrissy

When I came out to my PCM almost 15 years ago as MTF, VA offered me gender affirming care (after psyche evaluation, suicide is a real problem in our population) and assigned me to a single PCM in the Women's Clinic. I find that in the VA system the patients are almost never seeing the same care giver, always someone new.  The turnover is atrocious in my experience.

She always has a young doctor in tow, whether in person or on video/audio appointments.  I use secure messaging to the clinic too and am not afraid to ask about changes to my regimen.  Early on the endocrinologists got involved, always 2 at each appointment.  After that 1st year PCM and I jointly consider where I am and where I feel I need to go.  I've learned to not be shy when I have ideas about meds and dosages, its my life after all.

VA has limits to what can be offered.  I'm hoping the current Executive Officer won't impact the VA support to our community.  HRT for me was Spironolactone first, then Estradiol 6 mos. later.  This is where you might get the feeling that medicine is a practice and we are research subjects.  I send my PCM research about other healthcare systems HRT programs, which she seems to welcome.  An example was progesterone. She is limited by what the VA approved and must be able to justify her medical opinions.  For 2-3 years she said there wasn't a definitive study available to support it, then after year 3 HRT she added it.  VA won't do any surgeries, but they will help with prosthetics (and bras to fit them), life test support and therapy, HRT and voice coaching. 

By the by, the progesterone seems to have helped round out my breasts.  I say it definitely has, but I'm sure I'm biased.  I wear the same bra sizes but the cups are well filled out C's.  There's nothing scientifically objective about how you feel, but visual results are clear evidence.

All I'm trying to convey is that the VA doesn't specialize in gender affirming care, but for the most part the VA doctors that volunteer to support us are maybe not the most experienced, yet they are well meaning.  If you find yourself up against it, ask for a referral to community care.
 

Yea. I'm slowly learning everything that you and everyone else has mentioned.

It's a long term game with the VA for sure.

As of right now I'm content with the current change from bi weekly to weekly doses, and no anti androgen for now seems to be the right path for now. I'm sure I will have an anti androgen added back in here at some point. But I'm in no rush. Transition is a marathon not a sprint and I'm here to enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

Just going to sit back and enjoy the ride, deal with what ever happens as they come up and cross those bridges as I get to them.

Weekly therapy sessions seem to be going good. I feel like I am on the right path and affirmed everyday that goes by. Slowly accepting my truth and my true self.

I have my first vacation voice therapy session/consult this week. Curious to see how that will go.

I have been waiting since early Dec for a wig from the VA or at least for someone to call me and set up the appointment for it.

My new endocrinologist gave me more refills on my estrogen so thats good. Going to have them refilled as often and as much as I can to build a stock pile for myself. Lol I also had one of the lower level personnel in the endocrinologist office change my prescription to say for hormone replacement, from gender affirming hormone replacement. So that's good. Probably would not have happened under my first endocrinologist.

It's funny how once the patient advocate gets involved everyone becomes much more willing to work with you and listen to suggestions lol.

My current plan is to just go with the flow, and ride this roller coaster and continue tp live life as normally as possible for the time being, while taking steps to allow my to get closer to my goals in transition every day, until I have to come out or deal with the many unpleasant hurdles that transition always throws at us.

My wife has the expectation that I will know and have a more clear idea of who I am and what I want to do in terms of my gender identity and what direction I want/need to go in in order to be me around the beginning of March which is when the last of my 6 week block of VA therapy is ending before they set up another 6 weeks.

We will see how that goes and what kind of curve ball transition throws my way when I tell my wife that with each passing day I feel I need to transition and live life as woman in order to be true to who I am. She will def be upset. But once things calm down after the initial shock (which I doubt will be shock, in sure she is feeling that this is what was going to happen) that maybe we will be able to come to a compromise or something that will allow me to continue to walk towards my truest Version of myself while allowing us to maintain a marriage and relationship. But we will see. Prepare for the worst and see what happens I could be surprised. Lol and I know that I can't control how others feel, or what they do. All I can do is control how I show up in every circumstance I find myself in.

I have been trying to work on mindfulness and positivity and being grateful for everything. It really has helped my mindset alot. Which I am sure will come in handy in the future.

So that's it for now.

Robby,


It is nice to see your updates. 


Chrissy

Had my first voice lesson today with the VA vocal therapist. It was not bad. Can't complain. I was pleasantly surprised that they offer more than just voice training but also mannerisms and body language as well as speech patterns not just for trying to raise/lower pitch and resonance.

I was even more pleased to hear that my pitch is already somewhat high for a typical male, that I'm more in the gender neutral non-binary area, boarding feminine, but my resonance is deeper more in my throat vs being higher.

So we plan to work more on my resonance more so than my pitch for now. Also my pitch has some room to go higher as well. So all in all I am pleased with how it went.

Now it's just a matter of finding time to practice and get to a point where my body naturally starts out at a higher resonance.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on February 20, 2025, 04:09:29 PMHad my first voice lesson today with the VA vocal therapist. It was not bad. Can't complain. I was pleasantly surprised that they offer more than just voice training but also mannerisms and body language as well as speech patterns not just for trying to raise/lower pitch and resonance.

I was even more pleased to hear that my pitch is already somewhat high for a typical male, that I'm more in the gender neutral non-binary area, boarding feminine, but my resonance is deeper more in my throat vs being higher.

So we plan to work more on my resonance more so than my pitch for now. Also my pitch has some room to go higher as well. So all in all I am pleased with how it went.

Now it's just a matter of finding time to practice and get to a point where my body naturally starts out at a higher resonance.

Robby,

Practice does help.  It has not been easy for me.  I persist though.

Chrissy

Finally after 4 months the VA final pushed through my request and I was contacted by a local wig shop to get fitted for a wig. I have up to 500 for a new synthetic wig. The appointment is in a few weeks. I can't wait.

I also had ordered a nice light blue bikini top and bottom, I absolutely love, but I doubt that I'll ever get the chance to wear it out in public.

Robby,

That is nice that you will be getting a wig!

For additional modesty, you may wish to consider adding a swim skirt.


Chrissy

I did not care for or could not find any wigs I liked... Or I guess I should say I didn't like any wigs due to my masculine facial features. So no wig for now.

Had labs done and Endo appointment today. Currently testosterone is at 81, estradiol is at 191. My endocrinologist wants to add in progesterone to help lower my t levels since I'm not on Spiro or any other form or anti androgen. Not sure if I will take him up on his suggestion yet alone continue hrt all together. I'm still having many days where I am finding myself doubting and second guessing every thing. Therapy is not really helping me figure it out either.

Hey Robby!

How have you been? I was thinking about you the other day.

Why use progesterone to lower T when there are meds available specifically for that purpose? I did the Spiro route and it did nothing. I did the Finasteride route and it did nothing. I did both together, and still no luck. Now, I get a leuprolide (Eligard) injection once every 90 days. That suppresses T production at the source. Then I take a daily tab of Bicalutamide (Casodex) which blocks androgen receptors. Both were prescribed by a VA Endocrinologist and are filled by the VA Pharmacy. The leuprolide injection is done by a nurse in the Specialty Clinic, but the Casodex tabs are mailed to me along with my other meds.

Your estradiol level is fine right where it is, but I would try lowering your T level to 50 or lower. Progesterone is a good thing for breast development, but only mildly affects T levels.

If the therapy is not helping you figure things out, then maybe you are on the wrong path. What I mean is that therapy helps you figure out what questions you need answered so you can discover those answers for yourself. If the wrong questions are being asked, then you won't get the right answers. Does that make sense?

My depression and anxiety kept getting worse. We (my therapist, medical doctors, and I) were certain it was because my hormone levels were too low. Then we got my levels where they need to be but my symptoms did not get better. I was talking to a neighbor who confided some things that rang true to me. I asked my psychologist about it and it was not my gender dysphoria acting up, it was PTSD from when I was assaulted in the service.

My point is that if you go into therapy thinking you are trans, or an alien, or a zebra, your therapy will become shaped around helping you figure that out, whatever it means. But if none of those things are what is causing your distress, then maybe it is time to look in another direction for answers.

If your questioning is more about personal safety in this environment, plus saving relationships with spouse and family, those are good questions to examine. The therapist should be able to help you focus on handling that situation.

Something that might help you to think in the right direction is what I told my clients was the "Magic Question". If I were to snap my fingers and your problem would be instantly resolved, how would your life change? Would it be better and how would it be better? Would it become worse and how would it become worse? How would YOU be different?

I hope this helps. Hang in there, Sister. You got this!

My Endo wants to use progesterone since I am trying to not use anything that would affect my libido or cause any further e.d. than I already have. He said progesterone would help lower t to an extent but not be as harsh on my libido and ability to function downstairs as much as Spiro or Bica etc. and that progesterone would also help with breast shape development.

If I had no concerns about losing my function and libido I'm sure he would go a different route with medication.

From what everyone I have talked to about how they determined what the best past for themselves was, that they all did some sort of inner self reflecting, some used journals, some therapy, some both or other forms of doing inner self work.

Does anyone know of any trans specific workbooks that may help with this. Something that might off journaling questions that would give the individual something to think and reflect upon?

I had a 15 min consult with Dr Z, since the VA therapist isn't really helping much, and my therapist that I used before raised their prices again. But Dr z is more than double my old therapist price for just one session.
So I'm not sure if I will ever try to have a session with her.

As for me there have def been more bad days than good ones. So much so that I had been thinking about how nice it would be to not exist anymore so I would t have to make this choice or deal with any of it anymore.

apart of me is definitely wondering if life before all this is something I could live with and tolerate.

I hear you. The progesterone would be better in that case.

I don't know of any workbooks, but check out the Gender Analysis website:
https://genderanalysis.net/

They have some good articles explaining different things and maybe they have something that will help.

As for a therapist, check out our Support Groups page. I posted there a bunch of hotlines to various organizations that cater to different circumstances, like legal, medical, etc.
That post is here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249512.msg2286371.html#msg2286371

The hotline may not be able to help you directly, but they might know of a resource you can connect to, maybe even in your area. It never hurts to just call and tell them what you are looking for.

Hang in there. It is always darkest before the dawn.

Thanks @Lori Dee

So this past Saturday I went to a wig fitting (the same one I went to before since that's the place the VA uses) and when I got there they were super busy, and of course I'm the only guy there.


That's when I became extremely self aware being in a wig shop full of women. It wasn't the best time. I canceled and said I would re-schedule another time. But I don't think I will or can.

It was extremely eye opening for me, and emotional. It made me see that Im not able to overcome being in public and transitioning socially. I wasn't even presenting as a woman, but I couldn't shop or get fitted for a wig surrounded by a bunch of women. All I know is that I had to leave. My flight or flight kicked in and left. Once I got in my car the flood gates opened and i have been an emotional wreck since. Drove the entire way home barely able to see from all the tears.

I am in awe of all you awesome women, living your life and not letting your fears over power you. Unfortunately that's something I will never be able to do. After today I don't think I'll ever be able to take off my mask and let go of the armour I build to protect myself, which is again a thought that makes me extremely sad. In time the sorrow will fade, when all of this is stuffed back into Pandora's box and tossed into the deepest oceans never to be seen again.

I had different plans for my weekend alone... Got to love how life always finds a way to screw everything up.


I think I'm not at the point of being ready to walk this path, which saddens me, since I know if I stop this path I'll for sure retrograde back and lose any and all progress I made.


Like I'm not sure if this is a situation where I need to have faith and just keep pushing forward or if this is a time where I need to heed what I'm feeling and stop for the time being until I figure my ->-bleeped-<- out.


I know it will never be too late to transition, but I also don't want to stop and retrogress to only start from scratch a year or two or three from now when like you said there is no way around the elephant in the room anymore


I am by no means in any rush. What ever happens as it happens is how I live my life for the most part. But I'd hate to stop something if it truly is my path, but at the same time I'd hate to not stop and continue down their path and find out it's not my path.


I know, sometimes I feel like something is so right or obvious as to how I feel and why and then other times it's like I'm gaslighting myself


All I want is peace, what ever that looks like is what I want.


Unfortunately I feel more and more that I'll only find peace in death, which is also very saddening and depressive.

Hi Robby!

When I made my first appointment with the VA wig supplier over the phone, I told her I was transgender and would like an appointment at a time when she wasn't busy. She said she understood and made an appointment for me on a Saturday when she would have been closed for a holiday. I had the whole place to myself. I understand that you live in a bigger city than I do, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

At the following appointment, there was a woman in a chair getting her hair washed and cut. I just reminded myself that I don't know that person and may never see them again, so what do I care what she thinks? I could be getting a wig for a costume party, Halloween, drag show, or whatever. Most people do not care. They live in their own little world and you do not matter.

I think you need to push onward because I know how strongly you feel this is right. You also don't want to start over. Just take your time and do little things to make you happy. As you successfully overcome one obstacle you gain the motivation to tackle the next.

Remember the obstacle courses during training? It was only partly a test of physical endurance. The other part was mental. It is looking at this huge wall in front of you, knowing you must get over it, and then knowing that you can. You have the strength and ability to get over it. And you did. Every time. This is no different.

Sure, you could give up and just be miserable. But you and I both know that it will get worse. "Slow and steady wins the race" but there must be a "steady" instead of a stop. I believe that a big part of your frustration is your desire to please others and you are willing to set your own needs aside to do that. But then, the inner you starts screaming for attention.

It is that conflict, that dysphoria, that is stressing you out because you haven't found a way to have it both ways... yet. Just take some time to decide what is most important to you. Many times, we don't like the answer because on the surface it appears that we are being selfish. But you cannot give fully to others without giving to yourself first, otherwise you will end up with nothing to give. It is so much better to address your own priorities first and become the best person you can be. Then when you give to others you give them so much more. Not a role you have been playing, but the real you.

It is normal to second guess ourselves and rethink our decisions. Just remember how you arrived at that decision in the first place. You weren't wrong. You didn't make a mistake. Your reasons are just as valid now as they were then. Humans resist change. It is in our nature. But we can accept small changes over time. Baby steps. Eventually, you can look back and realize that you have baby-stepped for miles.

You can do this. Just hang in there.

Hugs!

Thanks @Lori Dee once again you always seem to know what to say.

I will give the wig fitting another try at some point. Not sure when as I don't really need a wig just yet, since I'm still presenting male all most all of the time still.

I just feel that with my armour of muscle and bodybuilding I could do anything be anything. Now if all that was a mask and me compensating I feel like I don't know who or what I am and what I am capable of doing. I'm not sure what changed mentally for me from being unstoppable in the Marines to now feeling like I am weak and not able to be confident enough to do anything yet alone transition.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on April 08, 2025, 02:33:15 PMI just feel that with my armour of muscle and bodybuilding I could do anything be anything. Now if all that was a mask and me compensating I feel like I don't know who or what I am and what I am capable of doing. I'm not sure what changed mentally for me from being unstoppable in the Marines to now feeling like I am weak and not able to be confident enough to do anything yet alone transition.

I think it is just fear of the unknown. You are venturing into uncharted waters and that can be scary. That's why we are here, to share our maps and let others know that the "denizens of the deep" are not as scary as we thought. And paradise lies ahead for those who make the journey.

The question you need to ask yourself is the same one I had to ask myself: Why did I need all that armor to feel sure of myself? Is that the real me? In my case, it turned out to be just camouflage to fit in and be accepted. It wasn't me, it was a role I was playing. That became clear when I saw how it affected my relationships and marriages. I wasn't being honest with myself, or others, so they failed.

You will get there. I wish your therapist was more helpful. There are good ones out there. Keep looking.

Speaking of therapist, has anyone had a session with Dr z? I did a free consultation call. But when I got the price for one actual session it was more than double the price of one session with my old therapist that I used to pay for before I went to the VA's specialist.

Can you request a different therapist through the VA, maybe at a different clinic? Or do TeleHealth with one in Minneapolis VA, but the wait time might be long. Why pay if you can get it for free and the VA already has your records.

I'm sure I can request another therapist, but I got the feeling that I'll be given to another therapist that is out of the o
Phoenix VA system.

I'm not sure I can use an out of state therapist if there are open slots with ones that are here local to Phoenix area. Unless I get the patient advocate involved and say my needs aren't being met, which they were in some ways and not so much in other ways.

Had a therapist appointment today, one I didn't cancel. Lol

Today we mainly focused on the idea of how I can show up as my true self without necessarily having to show it externally or socially by my presentation or outward appearance.

I feel I am still struggling with figuring out who I am at my core, where as she thinks I know who i am, but I don't have ways of showing up or allowing myself to show up.
I'm not even sure who I am when I'm just trying to live day to day yet alone how to be a woman, or what my womanhood/femininity looks like. Basically she's wanting me to figure out how I can show up as her without her necessarily being visible to the outside world. Being her in plain sight without anyone knowing.

Honestly I'm not sure. I already do a bunch of things that no one can see. And I'm not sure if they're helping at this point. And from my experience with the wig shop, and I uncomfortable in that situation bc that's normal for anyone who hasn't been a regular at a wig shop or was it because I felt I was not valid being there bc I don't see myself as a woman yet without being able to externally present that way....
All I can think about is if I am to be myself and not care what other think, I would probably try stoping all feminine hormones getting back on steroids and becoming as big as possible and then just dress and present outwardly as a woman. I seriously doubt many people would be daring enough to say anything to my face or be willing to start any drama or conflict by themselves... Lol

Is there any way to be who I was before I starting HRT and also be a woman without having insane amounts of money to pay out of pocket for feminizing surgeries, since most surgeons won't do any procedures without the individual being on hormone therapy for a year min as well as living full time as their gender, unfortunately I doubt it.

I just feel that I will never truly ever be able to become her...

Quote from: Robbyv213 on April 10, 2025, 05:58:53 PMAll I can think about is if I am to be myself and not care what other think, I would probably try stoping all feminine hormones getting back on steroids and becoming as big as possible and then just dress and present outwardly as a woman. I seriously doubt many people would be daring enough to say anything to my face or be willing to start any drama or conflict by themselves... Lol

I just feel that I will never truly ever be able to become her...

The point that I think you are missing is that YOU ARE ALREADY HER. You always have been. You see her in your mind. It's when the dysphoria kicks in because what you see in the mirror is not what your mind sees. I know this from experience.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on April 10, 2025, 05:58:53 PMif I am to be myself and not care what other think, I would probably try stoping all feminine hormones getting back on steroids and becoming as big as possible and then just dress and present outwardly as a woman. I seriously doubt many people would be daring enough to say anything to my face or be willing to start any drama or conflict by themselves... Lol

This tells me that the masculine bodybuilder image was camouflage. It was a way to hide her away so "nobody would say anything to your face or be willing to start any drama". But camouflage is a false representation of what lies behind it. It is designed to fool the observer, and when you look in the mirror, you are the observer.

She is in there and she knows the truth. You can let her out without going for the super-femme Instagram Super Model look. Women come in many shapes and sizes and many of them are not dainty, girly types. How feminine you want to look is up to you. Just because you wear guy jeans, like many women do, does not mean you are not a woman.

One thing I did when I was just getting comfortable with being publicly out, is I would remind myself constantly that the people who see me do not know the real me. They think I am ______ but that is not me. I know the truth and what they think doesn't matter.

@Lori Dee

I see what you're saying. I guess that's the biggest battle for me is self acceptance and knowing I'm already her regardless of my presentation... Being able to let go of the camouflage.

Happy Easter everyone if you celebrate it and if not I hope you had a great weekend

I seem to struggle with weekends the most and I'm not sure why. During the week and as the week progresses I feel that I only become more affirmed in who I believe myself to be and what my path is moving forward and feeling okay and good about it and myself.

And then the weekend comes and I don't know what about it causes me to feel like all that I was so sure about and felt good about during the week is now gone and that I was mistaken.

Like typically on weekends since I usually have to deal with being out in public more or more family members I'm usually being who everyone expects me to be whereas on the weekend I'm usually able to do at least one thing maybe multiple things to help me be her and feel affirmed. Usually by the end of the weekend of having to wear whatever mask I have to put on around whoever I end up being around usually is enough to make me think that I can sustain how I live on the weekends versus how I live during the week if that makes sense (because it doesn't make sense to me lol)