Can't Eat:
Can't eat beef................mad cow
Can't eat chicken.............bird flu
Can't eat eggs................cholesterol
Can't eat pork.................bacteria
Can't eat fish..................mercury
Can't eat fruit ................insecticides
Can't eat vegetables.........herbicides
Now, the way I see it; that only leaves
CHOCOLATE
Subject: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
a.. Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
b.. Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
c.. Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
d.. Catholic: None. Candles only.
e.. Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad.
f.. Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
g.. Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
h.. Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
i.. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
j.. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
k.. Church of Christ: They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
l.. Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
m.. Amish: What's a light bulb?
As our crowded airliner approached take off, the peace was shattered by a five-year-old boy who picked that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother did to calm him down, the boy continued to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform slowly walked up the aisle. With an upraised hand, he stopped the flustered mother. The courtly, soft-spoken Marine leaned down and motioned toward his chest, whispered something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calmed down, took his mother's hand, and quietly fastened his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly made his way back to his seat, a flight attendant touched his sleeve and whispered, "Excuse me, sir, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that these entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
