I can't even bring myself to be brutally honest with myself.

I can't accept that I like the idea of going forward, that while it breaks my heart I'm prepared to lose my marriage,

I'm terrified. And keeping up whatever fragile resistance I can.

One step at a time, Robin. 
You do seem to worry a lot. I understand that, I was a huuuuge worrier. Still can be but nowhere near as bad. The cliche of one step at a time is still a good way to deal with it psychologically... you haven't had your first appointment but already have your marriage wrecked and other worst case scenarios. I won't say that isn't a possibility, it's a reality for many, but also not for many others. You won't know until you know. Just get to the appointment first, that is your "one step".

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 24, 2013, 01:05:58 PM
I can't even bring myself to be brutally honest with myself.

I can't accept that I like the idea of going forward, that while it breaks my heart I'm prepared to lose my marriage,

I'm terrified. And keeping up whatever fragile resistance I can.

I learned that it is awfully difficult to be brutally honest with myself when I have no clue who or what "myself" is. That scares me the most since I realized after decades of trying anything else but, all I learned was what does not work.

It's the black and white that I'm messed up with.  I don't have the right perspective.  I need to figure myself out.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 26, 2013, 01:26:37 PM
It's the black and white that I'm messed up with.  I don't have the right perspective.  I need to figure myself out.

B&W thinking is bad in general, worse for all things TG. There is an infinite ammount of greys between "Normal" and full-time fully transitioned TS. Even if you are a TS, it does not mean you Must transition. Only you know what is the right thing to do. Only you can eventually answer where you fit.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 16, 2013, 09:09:37 AM
Okay, I'm going to attempt to call some therapists today to make an appointment about my issues.

So here is my first step towards (hopefully) being diagnosed as anything other than transsexual. :-}

I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen though.  I refuse to get really upset about it until it happens, but I'm pretty sure I'm fitting the whole "late-onset-transsexual" category

I'm gonna be a freaking WRECK when she tells me that she thinks I should go on HRT or transition.  I'm in a weird place in between, denial, depressive acceptance, and giddy joy.

Hi Particle,

My hopes that your therapist quickly 'gets' you and through that you unearth a mind-blade to cut through any denial in a way that leaves you feeling whole and loved.  Rocket engines that blast you into vigorous acceptance from depressive acceptance, because the rocket uses depression as its fuel.  And enough giddy joy to fill any whole in your heart left from a society that made this difficult for you.

Kind Regards to you
stav

Trying back with my first choice therapist.

She doesn't take my insurance, but offered me a decent discount.

Pretty sure she's a good choice.  Gender therapy is the core of her practice.

Plus I just figured out she is trans!

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 27, 2013, 02:09:17 PMMake an appointment asap.   

I'm trying but she is terrible at returning communications.

Appointment achieved

1/9

Argh now real freak out begins

I do.  I'm gonna be all like "they know"... In the waiting room

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 03:34:51 PM
I do.  I'm gonna be all like "they know"... In the waiting room

And what if they do?  *hug*  You are there to get help, and they are there to provide it.  I know it seems scary, that you've been holding a deep, dark secret inside and the world will ridicule you if they discover it... but the world is big and by and large people are very accepting.  I know it will take time for you to internalize this, you are on your own path.  But if it helps any, the biggest thing I had to fear in transitioning was my fears of transitioning.  It was honestly a bigger deal to me than it was/is to anyone else in my life.

Yes, you may lose some friends, and some family may not speak to you for a while if you find out you need to transition... but, when it comes down to it, isn't a chance to live *your* life on *your* terms and to be the person *you* were meant to be worth some sacrifice?  I can assure you that, if you do transition (and again this is something for you to decide with the help of your therapist... not everyone who gets gender therapy needs to transition) there will be better friendships and relationships because they will start out with a bedrock of honesty.  You will be able, at last, to be honest about who you are to both yourself and others.

I know it's a scary ride and there is risk... but there is no great reward without risk.  It's scary, but for trans* people it is a way to truly live, and to live true.

*hug*

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 03:34:51 PM
I do.  I'm gonna be all like "they know"... In the waiting room

Or....
They are going to be all like you know! 

No ideA where this coaster ends...

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 10:50:48 PM
No ideA where this coaster ends...

In happiness!!

Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2013, 11:42:29 PM
In happiness!!

Or despair.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 31, 2013, 05:30:51 AM
Or despair.

That too, along with plenty of "Feel Good" feelings and some tears. Overall:

It does get better

Just the opinion of girl at it for a good four years now. Some day I'll stop worrying about tomorrows and really really learn to enjoy the todays and the joys in my life

Just had a good breakthrough and cry.

I think I am unwilling to tolerate uncertainty in the outcome if my actions.

This is not caused by gd..

I have gd, but this is what I'm missing

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 31, 2013, 03:13:09 PM
Just had a good breakthrough and cry.

I think I am unwilling to tolerate uncertainty in the outcome if my actions.

This is not caused by gd..

I have gd, but this is what I'm missing

Ahhhh Uncertainty.... An engineers worse nightmare, the bane of my existence, the cause of many many many many many sleepless nights as well as a few gallons of tears and about 90 alcohol related pounds gained.

My biggest issue for coming on two years now is "What is the 'End Game'?" What is my goal? Where do I go from here? How do I know what path I choose is the best? Up until recently I was just going through the motions. Following the Master Plan as set forth for all males, especially those barely rising out of the first generation blue collar world, not just the expectations that I will. Hence, the reason behind my two daily (sometimes hourly) affirmations

I know what what doesn't work
Enjoy today, stop worrying about tomorrow

The second is by far the hardest. Which is why the following quote from Richard Bach's Illusions, given to me some 4 years ago on the night of my TG groups Christmas party, sits framed in gold in a prominent place so I'll start my day with it

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours"

Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 10:50:48 PM
No ideA where this coaster ends...

The end, to me, is in acceptance and peace through acceptance.  A mind no longer full of doubt, no longer fighting so hard to fit in, no longer afraid that my secret will come out...

I'm still pre-HRT, but I dress and present as myself (female) whenever possible. Alas, it is not possible at work (yet, working on finding another situation).  But if I compare where I am now with where I was even a few weeks ago I am much better off, overall.  I'm learning to be me, unfiltered, after so many years of being ashamed.  And I am beginning to see the world accepting, and even welcoming me.

I have no words for how wonderful this feels.  All I can do is hope and pray you get to feel the same way, too.  It really *is* worth all the sleepless nights and backwards steps.  There really is hope, Jordan.  You can get there.  I know it is scary, but it is soooo worth it.

I say this now in full confidence... but I will stumble.  There will be dark days, too, when I feel like I'm deluding myself and that I will never make it.  I know this because it has happened already, and I have seen it happen to some of my other sisters and brothers on this site.  But I know, too, that if I reach out to people here and those around me in my physical presence, I will get through them, and life will be better on the other side.  Please hear me in this, and hold on.  It's a wild ride, but you can do it.  Thousands have gone before you, and millions will come after you. 

*hug*

8 days brain still flip flopping and freaking out.