I had my appointment with the initial counselor today which I thought went very well.  I was open and honest about my feelings, and about the objections my wife has as far as exposing the children, as well as going behind her back and then being deceitful about it.  I am in agreement with her on those aspects.  My wife has agreed to a session alone with the counselor next week, and then we will have a third session with both of us together to see if we can come to some sort of compromise that works for both of us.  The counselor is also looking into some other avenues such as support groups in the area.  I am hoping everything works out because I really do love my wife, and am hoping that we will grow old together.  I guess I just want her to accept all of me, which is difficult for her right now.  We just have to take things one day at a time right now.  I am hopeful that things will work out.

That is great news about the counselor Lisabeth. It sounds like you are on a positive road. I hope everything works out. Keep the faith hon.

Cassie

Hey there Lisabeth,

It seems as though you are doing OK with the issues you both face, and that you are keeping the communication going both ways.  Just remember that this is about you both, and you wanting her to accept "all" of  "you" may not be possible or practical.  But if growing old together is one of your goals then there will be compromises ahead for you both.  My wife and I have been at this for 33 years, and believe me it has taken a lot of work on both our parts to have made our relationship work.

All though we still love each other very much, our relationship has changed, but it changed the way "we" wanted it to change and we have each adapted.  One of the issues that will undoubtedly come up is sexual orientation.  My wife has made it quite clear that she is not a lesbian, never was, and never will be, so the intimate side of our relationship changed drastically.  But the important point is that it changed as we both wanted it to, and that is one of the reasons why we have been able to stay together.  Another aspect of our relationship is that we have both agreed the there is the chance that one or both of us will meet someone who will be able to meet our intimate needs and we have both agreed that if this happens we will not stand in the way of the others happiness.

Don't get me wrong, we are not out actively looking for a partner who can satisfy "ALL" our needs, it's just something that we've agreed could happen.  Some may find this a little shocking but it has allowed us both to stay together, happy and secure and it works for us.  I really hope that everything turns out for you both, keep us posted, and be prepared to work hard.

Steph

Wow Steph,

That is quite a compromise.  My wife has shown similar sentiments.  She is not a lesbian either.  She says she does not want to be with a woman in bed, even if it is me.  It just doesn't do anything for her.  Things would be so much easier if she was a lesbian, but then she probably wouldn't have been attracted to me in the first place.  Sometimes I try to put myself in her shoes, and picture what it would be like for me if she wanted to be a man.  I am sure I would feel some of the same things she is feeling.  It would be just as hard for me to accept that from her.  I think I would try though, although it's easy to say that when you know it's not going to happen.  The thing is I am more than willing to spend are intimate moments as a man for her (even though I would prefer them as a woman).
   I really liked the counselor that I met with today.  I really felt like she genuinely wanted to try to help me experience these desires rather than "cure" me of them.  She felt that my wife and I should be able to come to some sort of compromise, where I might have some time to myself each month to explore my desires.   This could either include private time in the home, or the opportunity to go to a CD support group that she knows of in the area once a month or so.  She is going to look into some options for me. She felt that this could be an opportunity for me to reduce the stress of carrying this weight on my shoulders day in and day out.  She wants the opportunity to meet with my wife to explore her feelings, and then will be able to determine if some sort of compromise can be reached.  My wife has agreed to meet with her a week from Monday.   She emphasized that for the marriage to continue working, there will have to be give and take on both of our parts.  I am prepared to give whatever it takes (no pun intended) if I could have that "special time" once in a while.  Anyway, I feel like I made a step in the right direction today.  Time will tell.  Everyone here has been so supportive and I appreciate that.  Also, my wife is apparently aware of this site.  I am not sure if she has read all my posts, but she has indicated some disapproval, because she asked, "did you tell the therapist that you've been talking about your crossdressing to strangers on the internet?"  She says it in such a negative way.  Anyway, I don't think you are strangers at all.  Even though we will probably never meet face to face, I feel like you are my extended family.  You are my sisters (and I don't want to leave out several brothers) who are there for me through the ups and downs.  I always look forward to hearing from you all, and lending support to you as well when I can.  Thanks again for being there.  You are truly a special bunch in my book.

All my love,

Lisabeth

Lizbeth,

Glad to hear that your session with the therapist went well.  As far as having some time set aside to express your feminine self, I think this may be a very workable posibility.  I basically set aside Friday afternoon and evening to let Louise out of the closet. After work I shower, change into a skirt and do my makeup.  My wife expects this and respects my needs.  I also usually fix dinner on Fridays, so this gives her something to look forward to as well.  I hope that you and your wife can work out some arrangement where you can both be comfortable.

Hi Lizbeth,
It good to hear that you are happy with the therapist.

You said,

QuoteThe thing is I am more than willing to spend are intimate moments as a man for her (even though I would prefer them as a woman).

Today when I was out walking and thinking who I am and what I wanted to do.
I  realized as long as I am married, hopefully for the rest of my life, I would GRS because of my love for her. I want to fulfill her needs as best I can. But if something happened and I became single I would have the GRS and become the woman that I am inside. I 'm not happy with just occasionally Cross-Dressing, that's not enough, but I'm becoming a transvesbian much like Debtv. I still have some feelings of  hostility with my male exterior and I need to make peace with it. 

Hey Debtv I haven't seen a posting from you lately; are you still around?

We have much in common and your encouragement has been of great value to me so much so that I look for your postings. Anyway you are not just a stranger to me but a dear friend and even more a sister.

Hugs

Jillieann

Looks like your headed into the right direction. Most of us are ok with compromises especially since many of us have been doing it our whole life (once sided at least). Its just that now its coming out semi into the open and more known. I think its important you let her and the therapist know just where your boundary is (even extreme boundary) so everyone knows how far you could go (ex how often, where you would do it, and what styles you would do). You might be focused on getting her to accept you, where as the real focus is just getting it out in the open and having private time and space to do it to where you are satisfied.

Hi everyone!

Well it looks like progress is being made after all.  My wife and I sat down last night and had a heart to heart talk.  She wanted total honesty from me, so in an effort to start the new year without hiding and deceit, and to take steps to more open communication  I opened up and showed her Susan's website.  I gave her the opportunity to read all of my posts, so there are no more secrets.  Some of the posts were pretty personal but I am glad to have everything out in the open.  She has read many of your posts as well, and has signed up to talk with other SO's.  She is also going to order a book that was recommended to her to try to learn more about CD's.  I am so proud of her for trying to understand me.  She is truly special, and I am not just saying that because she will be reading this later.  She is one in a million.   I am feeling very fortunate to have someone like her in my life.  Anyway, she will be introducing herself soon, but doesn't want to be pressured into it.  (I've only asked her 25 times today.)  I'm just excited for you all to meet her.  I know you will make her feel welcome.  Talk to you soon!

Love

Lisabeth

That is such good news Lisabeth.  It takes a lot of courage on both your parts to take the steps that you are, and taking them together will make the road ahead easier.  As we've mentioned before, if you want to really stay together then you will have to work together, and it would seem from your post that is exactly what you are doing.

This is a new year, with new beginnings, take advantage of Susan's, and remember that we are always here when you need us.

Steph

Hang in there, Lisabeth!

It has taken my SO and I a long time to get to where we are now, which is, "OK, do what you want at home but don't go outside!"  This, of course is not where I'd like to be but, it's progress just the same.  It has taken, however, 23 years together and 18 years of marriage to get there.  While she knew of my cross dressing before we married she didn't approve and only moved off of that position after I admitted having more serious transgender desires.  I think that, in her case, there is a serious "What will people think of me?" consideration.  I can relate since it was largely that consideration that kept me in the closet so many years.  I've moved past that to a great extent but, I have to be patient.  She has more traveling to do before she catches up to me.  Of course, there are other concerns as well but I think that this is one of the big ones.

So, be patient!  I know that, now that I'm in the process of discovering who I really am, I want to GO! GO! GO! but if I take that route, at that speed, I'll be leaving too many important people behind.  It sometimes feels like it's killing me but I have to be patient.  I think that people cannot move forward, physically or emotionally, unless they know where they're starting from at first.  My SO, and maybe yours as well, has received a piece of information that has caused her world to "slip its moorings' so to speak, so she can't tell where she is anymore let alone where she's going.  The old saying is that "time heals all wounds."  I think that time, if it will not heal the wound that may have been inflicted, will allow her, at least, to get used to the scar.  Therapy will help.  That and the other steps you are both taking will surely continue your progess.

You GO Girl!!!
helen

Sound like your moving forward.
I'm happy for you Lizabeth.

Jillieann

Thanks Steph, Helen, and Jillieann,

I guess we just have to take things slow and one day at a time.  My wife has been bombarded with quite a lot over the last few days in reading my posts.  I can't expect her to be thrilled about it since she really does not want to be with a woman.  She really is trying to understand though, and I think you all know how much I appreciate that.  She's truly special, and I can't wait for you all to meet her, but that will have to be at her own pace when she is ready.  Thanks for being there.

Lisabeth

When I told my partner (when we were getting to know each other) and my family, I would tell them the details honestly and how far I would go (living every day, hormones), just so that there was no mistaking what my intentions were. Then I would try to change the subject back to something I would normally talk about. Its not that I wanted them to hear more, as much as I didnt want them to think the real me which they are learning one more part about, was false all these years in every way. I just want them to know its still the same me, but only one part is different.

Thanks Kendra,

I know what you are saying.  I'm still the same person that I have always been, it's just one outside part that is different.  I just want some time (private if necessary) to express who I really feel like on the inside.  I understand that my wife thinks I am a nutcase, so in private may be the only way.  It would mean so much to me if we could share this, but it doesn't appear that that is meant to be.   Even though things are completely out in the open, she is not taking it as well as I had hoped.  I'm feeling a little down right now about the whole situation, but I am hoping things get better.  She has a private appointment with my therapist on Monday, and then we will both have an appointment together sometime next week.  Hopefully we can come to some sort of compromise.  Thanks again for writing, I appreciate everyone's support.


Lisabeth   

Hi Lisabeth,
I think  that your wife having  a private appointment with your therapist is a tremendous step forward - means she sees Lisabeth as a "problem" affecting both of you and is seeking disinterested advice from a authorative source - I can only see good coming from this, the therapist will be able to answer all your wifes questions & set her mind at rest.

Sadly my wife was not interested in talking to the counsellor I was seeing - she sees it as a problem for me only.

I would love it if rana could appear, I would settle for private - I think I have a deal further to go before I get to your stage, I know you are feeling down, but truely I envy you

Regards
rana

Hi Lisabeth,

Just got back from holidays and saw your post. What a big step forward for you both. I am so glad to see that you have opened up to your wife in this way. I'm sure that giving her access to Susan's and your posts will help provide her with some understanding of the TG spectrum. I too like Rana haven't been able to convince my wife of the benefits.

I hope that your wife does take the opportuntiy to meet us here as the input from the SO's here is so valuable. I think your right as well Lisabeth when you say that she is special. It does sound that she is in fact special as I feel that anyone who can provide us with the support we need without turning their back on us is very special.

Goodluck to both of you on the path to self discovery.

Shelley

Lisabeth,

I had not found this post untill last night. This sheds some light on things between you and Veronica too.

Taking things that don't belong to oneself is not right either. Others no matter the age need to respect someone elses belonging and leave them alone.

It feels though the action is of a parent overseeing a child. But even to some degree a child for the mere fact of being another person, requires respect for their personal pocessions.

Rewarding a person for being able to accomplish something that is hard for them is good. But I don't feel it should be with the very thing they have been able to keep in check. That becomes a backside.

Point and case. You not spending money you don't have for things you want, when other needs require attention first. I would think It better to give yourself an evening in dress be it at home while children are at grandmas or freinds or be it at your favorite party spot. Dress in what you have already buy nothing new for the occassion. Otherwise you are not master over your actions you are slave to them again with permission. Just colored the sky a different color.

I can see how you would want to rebell. I would too, for the mere fact I'm, as you are, an adult and deserve to be treated as one. I treat others as I would want to be treated and would hope that would make a difference. I feel people get farther treating others in that manner. Even a person with some ailment, affliction, or compulssion. This makes them no less human or deserving. How one talks to our mate should always be as an equal not one of superior knowledge and command over them.

These issues need addressed too between you and your spouse in the joint therapy.

Have a great day,

Smiles
Peggiann

hi all,

just thought i would put my feelings into words...

by lying,  sneaking around and doing deceitful acts simular to those behaviors

of a child that can not have his way ( ie-purchasing 600 dollars worth of glasses) does

not derserve the credit of adult behavior although lisabeth is getting my objective

attention and after a positive therapy session we will need to make concessions and

limits will have to be set in order to move forward without lies and without deceitful acts!

i am willing to work on making time for lisabeth by honoring the request of time alone

in the house without the kids ( ages 4& 6) so lisabeth can explore and come out.

this is a step forward for me -a BIG step -i can only take small steps at the moment.

lisabeth needs to make " things right"  by returning the glasses that was WAY over the

top as far as our buget goes and to me represent a serious message that was sent out

DECEIT!!!  new years eve. was what i thought a turning point -total honesty that evening

forward was the message i received -well HELLO what happened here aside from

selfish addictive behaviors without any remorse!  i still can not believe-- 3 pairs of designer

glasses!!!    i can not trust lisabeth...what will stop lisabeth from more shopping sprees

when the next uncontrollable impulse surfaces?  maybe a 12-step program...a very

point the therapist made with the addiction history we have something else going on

here...something bigger than both of us and one of us ( lisabeth ) is in denial!

i love lisabeth and i am willing to work on this together -key word "together"-

that means joint decisions and the key word is communication,  without communication

there is no relationship and without trust there is nothing but empty words.  words are

meaningless unless you can provide positive actions.  quote " i love my wife and will make

this up to here"  my question here is how?  so far i have only seen more deceit!

i sign this insightfully,   

veronica

Hi Lisbeth,

It's really nice to hear that your wife has become understanding, but like the others have said, take it slow and don't rush her into anything. It's one step forward for you though, and I'm really happy for you. 

Gina

Thanks everyone,

I do think we are making progress again, and on the road to recovery.  I think through open communication we can move forward through all of this.  I know this is very difficult for Veronica and I know if I push her too hard on this we will be back where we started.  I still think it's better that she knows and doesn't really like it, then to be kept in the dark.  I want this out in the open with Veronica.  I am tired of all the "lies and deceit" as she terms it.  Anyway thanks for being there.  I really appreciate your support through this difficult time.

Love,

Lisabeth