Good on you!

Give her some time and let her sit on it for a while. Remember this has been with you for a long time and she's just learning about it.

She may be in shock, or it may finally "click" with her why you are the way you are.

Let her ask questions and be honest. If full transition is what you're after, don't be shy to say so. But let her know it's not anything wrong with her, rather it's you revealing your true identity. It took a while for my wife to "get" that but she's coming around. She still isn't completely happy but we aren't taking about divorce anymore.

Either way what you did just did wonders for your life and well being. Good luck!

Thanks, Kate.  She sure is in shock.  Last night, she entered the betrayal stage.  She was furious and confused as to why I had lied to her for so long.  I said I understood that.  I reminded that I was lying to myself as well, but I didn't want to lie anymore.  I gave her some basic reading material.  I don't want to overwhelm her.  She says she's going to help me and stick with me, but I don't think knows what that might mean in the long run.  We're going to meet with my therapist and discuss things. 

Quote from: jeni on January 22, 2015, 06:30:22 PM

And, I think she's 2/3 right from your last paragraph: this is something good that can be treated IMO.... but maybe not in the way she imagines!

I think you're right.  What's odd is that I didn't intend to write "good."  I didn't even realize it was there until after I posted.  But maybe it might be good for us.  At least she now understands a lot of my behavior over the years. 

Quote from: ChiGirl on January 23, 2015, 08:20:58 AM
I think you're right.  What's odd is that I didn't intend to write "good."  I didn't even realize it was there until after I posted.  But maybe it might be good for us.  At least she now understands a lot of my behavior over the years.

Funny, and I think you're right. Since it sounds like she's taking this news rather reasonably, I think it can only help you to understand each other. I think it'd be hard to imagine that anyone who just came out as trans was still hiding her "real problem." 

Which is funny in a sad kind of way, because one of the most amazing realizations I've had is that this is not a problem I have. The only reason that I sometimes feel negative about it is because so much of the rest of the world has a problem tolerating people who break the neat system of pigeonholes. I feel amazingly lucky to have the life that I've had and I can't wait for what's next!

Anyway, good luck. I withdraw my earlier advice to wait on coming out, because it sounds like you really did the right thing. Good job.

Quote from: ChiGirl on January 23, 2015, 08:17:58 AM
Thanks, Kate.  She sure is in shock.  Last night, she entered the betrayal stage.  She was furious and confused as to why I had lied to her for so long.  I said I understood that.  I reminded that I was lying to myself as well, but I didn't want to lie anymore.  I gave her some basic reading material.  I don't want to overwhelm her.  She says she's going to help me and stick with me, but I don't think knows what that might mean in the long run.  We're going to meet with my therapist and discuss things.

Been there, done that. I got the B word over and over and over and over. I also got a heaping, steaming helping of "I married a man" and "I am not a lesbian" over and over.

Just give it some time before you know where she really stands.

I don't mean to give you false hope as many, if not most marriages do not survive transition, but you may be pleasantly surprised.

As for treatment first she suggested a psychiatrist. I told her, "ok cool, I'll see one but I'm 99% sure we'll get the same end result." She suggested hypnosis and I told her that it won't work and besides conversion therapy is banned in NJ.

Not for nothing (don't mean to brag) I am one smart cookie and I am armed with lots of information about everything I am doing. Also if I'm hell bent on something I will get it.

Don't be a jerk about it though.

Quote from: Brenda E on January 21, 2015, 04:43:10 PM
I'm inclined to agree.  My poor spouse's imagination ran extremely wild - affairs, god knows what else.  Turns out when she found out I was trans, she was like, "Oh, is that all?"

That was exactly my experience too about 9 years ago.  At the time my wife was giving me utter hell over crossdressing driving me to the brink of wanting to die.  Finally,, I told her I was transsexual all my life and explained what that was.  (that was not easy at all).

I think she was relieved and anyway sfopped the extreme accusations and arguments.  The truth is often easier to handle than the imagination.


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I try to imagine the situation in reverse. If id been in a serious relationship with someone for a long time, and theyd been getting increasingly unhappy and distant, possibly for years. Eventually they tell me whats wrong. I think if Id devoted 20 or 30 years of my young life to that person only for them to reveal their relationship with me had been lies and a cover for their transexualism... wow. the strength of wives who stick by their mtf partners is astonishing to me. Id be out that door and gone.

Quote from: alexbb on January 23, 2015, 01:19:45 PM
only for them to reveal their relationship with me had been lies and a cover for their transexualism...

I don't like this characterization, although I can understand how someone might believe this was the case. I know that for me, and I suspect I'm not alone, I've never lied or covered anything up. I simply didn't understand something about myself. In retrospect, I understand my behavior to have been suppressing feelings or avoiding asking myself difficult questions, but that's quite different from lying.

That's not to say I can't understand how someone on the receiving end of a coming out might see things this way, nor do I think it is unfair to exit a relationship after a change like this.

Fair enough! That was in retrospect very insensitive of me.

No worries, a lot of the topics on this forum are really hard to discuss without slipping up and saying something that can be taken the wrong way.

I guess I do feel like I lied to her.   She certainly feels that way, and I'm trying to own it.  I was in complete denial and supression.  I thought I went through a conversion therapy that worked!   So as far as I was concerned, it was a part of my past I was ashamed of and never wanted to think about or acknowledge ever again.

I really want to move forward at this point, but my wife won't.  I know she needs to absorb all this, but she's never been good at letting go of the past and forgetting the bad stuff.  This?  This is huge.  She will never let me forget it. 

Well, it's been almost two days since I told her.  She is mad and not talking to me.  All she thinks about is how I lied to her all these years.  And I did.  I don't expect her to forgive me.

I just don't think she really understands this.  She got mad at me saying I came out to her.  "You're not gay! That's what coming out means!"  I think she really thinks this can be cured or suppressed. And I'm at the point where I feel like it's transition or die.  If I have to go back to living as a man, I'll just not care about myself.  I don't want that to happen.

i already put my foot in it so im hesitant to poke it in again BUT from my experience so far, where youre at now is the worst part. Its the most conflicted upsetting time for you and those around you. Maybe take time out from eachother. me and my gf went through this and it was awful. we broke up, and didnt talk for a while, but we're friends now. im not saying i know what youre going through but i have a small feeling for it. and it was the worst time. since then, things have got better and better. there is no going back, theres nothing behind us but scorched rubble. but in front... in front is possiblity! no more denial, no more deceit, youll feel like  complete person. a person with problems, but a person with the energy and resolve to fix them. i felt in coming out like my life had jumped the tracks from the dark bleak future that i was going toward onto a new path, curving away to . it feels incredible. i wish you the very best. im just starting out too, and there are lots of us here also just starting, we can do it together!
xx alex

Oh go ahead poke it in, Alex.  [emoji1]
Thanks.

Okay, I read that again and now it sounds dirty to me.

hahahaha i didnt realise till you said it hahaha

Nobody has to read this or respond.  I just need somewhere to say this and I don't have anybody in rl to talk to. 

I know my wife needs time, but she keeps flipping on what she wants from me.  This morning she has asked to prove I love her by coming out to my family... today.  Or she's leaving.   Then she asked me to go back into the closet for another 20 years.  Heck, I did it once, I can do it again.  She keeps calling it a sexual thing, and when I try an explain, she yells at me to stop lecturing her.

I know she's hurting.  I'm not asking for her to forgive me or even to accept it.  I just want the freedom to be me.  And I can't do that with her.  I want to ask her if she'd rather have a dead husband or a living ex, but I feel that's over the line.  But it's the truth.  I can't live like this anymore.  I'm not suicidal, but if I have to go backwards, I have little reason to do anything.  It's all I can do to keep myself from running to MickeyD's and eating a double quarter pounder.

I know offering unsolicited advice specially as someone only a month since coming out must be annoying, but
Maybe book in to see your doctor, it really helped me to think of this as a medical issue not a wierd sexual abberation which made me a terrible doomed person. As soon as I did that it really stopped the vice turning on my brain and releasing that pressure helped me think straight. Stopped me snapping at people. She also gave me some diazepam which I used once or twice and it really calms the anxiety/panic. After a while, just having it in my drawer helped calm me, knowing it was there if i needed it. now i just keep the prescription pinned to my office wall, so its there, just in case. It helped me think clearly about my life and future. She also helped refer me to a gender clinic which im waiting on now.

Coming out to everyone helped too. No thats an understatement. It stopped me kiling myself. I guess ive become a bit of an evngelist for it, because it stops you suffering in silence. in fact, it stopped 95% of my suffering. These days im impatient to get laser hair removal and hrt and ffs and srs and.. but it makes every day seem sooooooo much happier. They say about LGBT people, the longer you stay in the closet the crazier you get. I was definitely going crazy! I dont feel crazy now. I must be, going out in a dress, but I dont feel it. Feel good all the way down for the first time since i was 3 or 4. There used to be a pit of dread under my mind, spoiling every pleasure, making every small problem worse, cutting me off from friends, family and joy. and it wouldnt take much for me to fall into that abyss. Now its gone. Or its outside t least. Inside, i dont feel like i have an irreperable flaw running through my soul anymore. Im on my side. Please consider just telling everyone and letting the chips fal where they may, instead of suffering in silence. A lot of my fams said 'i wish we'd known, we had no idea but if wed known we would have supported you because we love you.'
my 2c on that matter.

Im speculating but perhaps there is a similar support network to Susans for the wives of TG people that your wife might benefit from? Somewhere for her to talk to people in the same boat, blow off steam, learn, and be supported? Just an idea.
And hey, maybe you deserve a nice bit of comfort food once in a while. Maybe make it a fillet o fish with extra cheese extra pickle (my favourite). Maybe pick one up for her too? And if it weighs on your conscience make sure you run a bit further than normal to burn it off!
OK /terrible advice
You can do this. Itll be so much better in the end. We are with you.
xxx alex

Thank you Alex.  Advice is always welcome.  I do feel like I'm going crazy, but for once it's not the dysphoria. 

My reading of this very tough situation is that you are always on the back foot with her, she sounds very unpredictable and, to be honest, rather scary. It's understandable she will be in shock from your revelation but it's no excuse for threats, accusations, intimidation and ultimatums. She needs her own therapist methinks. You said several posts ago that you weren't even sure you wanted to stay in the marriage, I'd consider getting on the front foot here and plan for that eventuality. Make it clear to her you aren't going to stand by and be abused, maybe suggest that a trial separation might be useful for both of you to test the water. Some people have been in terrible marriages and it wasn't until they were free from it that they realised how much it was suffocating them.