After looking at the amount of people who viewed your post I'm going to guess you are not alone   My only advice to you is follow your heart werever it takes u and this is not a journey u need to take alone  best wishes

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on February 17, 2014, 06:29:58 AM

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 17, 2014, 06:23:40 AM
You can't get rid of it; it doesn't go away; it can't be mitigated; and there is no "cure".

One thing which I hate the most about this - it is bloody not fair. Not fair to us, not fair to those close to us and many other people. And knowing that life is not fair in general does not really help either.

I couldn't agree more, Emily.

I've wasted soooooo much time trying to get rid of it, forcing it to go away, trying to mitigate it and looking for a cure that doesn't exist, that I nearly took myself out, twice.

If someone had the guts to tell me I was wasting my time all those years ago, a substantial amount of collateral damage would not have resulted. And that too is not fair.

Huggs
Catherine

I don't know I transitrioned without HRT in 2004 and then had all the money I needed for SRS or anything else from 2007-2013, but now I'm broke and just couldn't make a decision since I was broken hearted and turned to my old friend to help me thru. That old friend wasn't really a friend at all. Now all I can hope is that something turns around. Part of me thinks I should detrnasition, get a job in my field where I wont be fired and then do it. But then I think, ugh, no. I am suing my old employer with the full support and legal resources of the mazzoni center so hopefully I win and they give me 30,000. That's my settlement offer. Oh that and my boss gets fired.

I don't know just to ad my  2 cents. This started with me when I was at least  4.if not before birth. there is no way this is not entangled in genetics at some level . I was conscious of it at 4 but it must of been there from the start. I've never been able to get rid of it. I was in denial for a long time only after having achieve a level of properly presenting my self as a woman to society by being in public. I thought it was conquered . I tried being totally male and all I got for the effort was severe depression pain and constant thoughts of the best way to end the problem, pills , buildings, knives  or what ever. Some day if they can rewire genetics ( which might not be the best idea) There might be some relief for us.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 17, 2014, 03:59:09 PM
I don't know just to ad my  2 cents. This started with me when I was at least  4.if not before birth. there is no way this is not entangled in genetics at some level . I was conscious of it at 4 but it must of been there from the start. I've never been able to get rid of it. I was in denial for a long time only after having achieve a level of properly presenting my self as a woman to society by being in public. I thought it was conquered . I tried being totally male and all I got for the effort was severe depression pain and constant thoughts of the best way to end the problem, pills , buildings, knives  or what ever. Some day if they can rewire genetics ( which might not be the best idea) There might be some relief for us.

Have you heard about the transgendered twin girl in Maine for the rights to use the female bathroom? She is an identical twin to her brother who seems to have no GID issues. This suggests there is also some spatial prenatal influence that is not genetic. I find this completely fascinating.

Quote from: bobowhoa on March 26, 2014, 11:04:26 PM
Have you heard about the transgendered twin girl in Maine for the rights to use the female bathroom? She is an identical twin to her brother who seems to have no GID issues. This suggests there is also some spatial prenatal influence that is not genetic. I find this completely fascinating.

I just read the article, pretty interesting

take up more masculine disciplines of life, get married, get divorced, get married again, play football, become a marine or better a special ops, then when life becomes unbearable, and you sit on the edge of existence, on the edge of the cliff and stare into abyss of intoxicating space beckoning to throw your self into darkness for sake of truth....................

Or, you can just accept the inevitable................

I don't understand the concept of identifying very male but also at the same time having dysphoria because you want to be a woman.  Those two don't seem to go together to me.  So I think my first impulse would be to make sure that you weren't in denial about your gender identity, and that the alpha-male thing wasn't a compensation mechanism.   I've learned to never underestimate the human capacity for denial.

Also, maybe you could look into the crossdressing forum.  I don't know too much about that realm of things, but I think(?) they usually still identify as men, in the case of mtf, so that was the only thing I could think of when I read your post that might fit.

For a good 30 years I got by relying on what I call the "3 D's"; Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. Buried myself in my career, overwhelmed myself with responsibilities, kept on telling myself I am just a CD.

It worked. It came with a cost, my soul, my life, my spirit. I became a machine with nothing more happening than wake up work on an endless to do list, eat sleep, repeat. I also became a miserable wretch, according to my wife. I didn't make things happy for her for sure. Another near cost, our marriage.

My wife is not too thrilled over my present techniques for dealing with the GD. However, it sure is better that escalating into falling back on the ole-reliable "4 D's"; Diversions, Distractions, Denial, and Death".  Death being the only other known "cure".

Quote from: JoanneB on March 29, 2014, 08:26:17 AM
For a good 30 years I got by relying on what I call the "3 D's"; Diversions, Distractions, and Denial. Buried myself in my career, overwhelmed myself with responsibilities, kept on telling myself I am just a CD.

It worked. It came with a cost, my soul, my life, my spirit. I became a machine with nothing more happening than wake up work on an endless to do list, eat sleep, repeat. I also became a miserable wretch, according to my wife. I didn't make things happy for her for sure. Another near cost, our marriage.

My wife is not too thrilled over my present techniques for dealing with the GD. However, it sure is better that escalating into falling back on the ole-reliable "4 D's"; Diversions, Distractions, Denial, and Death".  Death being the only other known "cure".

Yes, a resounding amen to this!

Wow.  I have not been to Susan's place for ... ages.  Years and years.  So glad it's thriving here.

I found this thread via an internet search, which is why I joined again.  It's something I try to explore from time to time, wondering if anyone has any magic bullets.  This is the best discussion I've found, and I want to thank you all for it.  What it's done is validate for me (again...) that no, no magic bullets.  Not yet, probably not never... 

Not a surprising conclusion, though I do keep looking.  I'm MtoF, long married, with (now) grown children, an excellent gender therapist and wonderful support in other ways.  My family gets it, as well as anyone can who's not going through the experience.  Not what they want, especially my spouse, but she gets that it's real.  I have been staving off transition, kicking and screaming, for decades.  I don't regret it, either, but ... it's getting near(er?) time to throw in the towel, embrace myself, celebrate my gift, whatever you wish to call it.  Like many (though it's often hard to hear about them, why would they make themselves known? [one answer: support needs]), I tend to push my ability to tolerate things to the absolute limit I can stand.  Then, often without what I'd really call a decision, I take another step.  I've taken quite a few so far.  I guess if transition were just one thing, I'd be Charlene everywhere and full-time now, but it's hundreds or thousands of things.  I've been on HRT for five years.  Gradually increased the dose until I got as comfortable as I could two or three years ago.  Plenty of body changes.   Had laser, need more.  Had some electro, need much more.  Got to fix a bunch of things.  Each one relieves the pain a bit, for awhile.  And each one is another transition step.  I guess that's how it works, and the only thing that works.

I do keep kicking and screaming.  I'll tell you right now, just having a bunch of people discussing this as you have here is a comfort to me.  It won't relieve the pain,  but I know that much better that I R not alone.  There's not a good suggestion here I haven't tried, or am not doing.  (And there are good suggestions... as good as I've found anywhere.)  I've been taking transition step by little step, and it might continue that way.  Or I might just get it rolling like I've got to.

Family might now be my biggest barrier, though I haven't considered them a barrier, I've considered them a lifeline.  I have, or did have, my own abundant internal supply of denial and resistance.  I don't know if it's all gone, but I am SO. SO. TIRED.   Their existence, and my desire not to pull them through this any more than I have to, has given me strength and motivation to consider very carefully what I need and what I really must do, whereas I might not have been as careful (and maybe not as sure) without them.

As I said, I have support, and it's great.  I'm elsewhere on the internet, there's a great local community, I have great therapists, great doctors, all that stuff.

Damn, I'd hoped somebody here would have a great new idea, too.  But I'm not too surprised or even disappointed.  I'd have probably heard about it already.

Anyway, I did want to say thanks for being here, contributing your experiences, your ideas, and your insights.

Maybe I'll continue to pop in from time to time.

I'm trying to find happiness in my current body, I'm trying to convince myself that I'm happy. I thought staying away from trans support websites and 'not thinking about it' would work, but it isn't working. I feel so guilty about it. I may have to spend the rest of my life in hiding, but I don't want to... this isn't even close to the life I want to live.... I can either be a miserable man or be a 'not miserable not man'. I've tried purging myself, but the urge gets stronger.

If I can't be a woman, I want to 'not be a man' at least. The non-binary folk on this thread have helped me realize it's possible (low dose HRT, hair removal), I'm very thankful for that.

Yes, HRT and hair removal can make a big difference.  If those changes last you a lifetime, then all to the good.  Hair removal can take a long time - last you years while keeping you satisfied that you're doing what your inner self demands.  If the dysphoria gets horrid again (it can, it has with me), then there are other things you can do... be more androgynous, wear longer hair and style it, go part-time, be partly but subtly dressed full-time, ear piercings, ... the list goes on.

I think there may come a point, for some of us, anyway, where we can't stall or fool ourselves any longer.  It all comes in a flood, and no partial changes suffice.  I *think* that, though I'm not certain.  I might even be at that point, but I can still sort of function, so maybe not.  I can still stand up, do a few things on my own initiative, though not well, quickly, or with great concentration.  I've been here before.  It can linger for a long time, or go down fast.  It is certainly not comfortable, but that's the way this path goes, at least for me, and many others too.  I don't have a good idea of how to control the dynamic, or if that's even possible.  People I respect say no, it is not.

Good luck to you, Cin.

Why is decreasing the amount of testosterone good for gender dysphoria? Wouldn't that actually put you closer into transitioning?

Quote from: BunnyBee on March 28, 2014, 04:15:19 PM
I don't understand the concept of identifying very male but also at the same time having dysphoria because you want to be a woman.  Those two don't seem to go together to me.  So I think my first impulse would be to make sure that you weren't in denial about your gender identity, and that the alpha-male thing wasn't a compensation mechanism.   I've learned to never underestimate the human capacity for denial.

Also, maybe you could look into the crossdressing forum.  I don't know too much about that realm of things, but I think(?) they usually still identify as men, in the case of mtf, so that was the only thing I could think of when I read your post that might fit.

I could see this because it's my life too. I have a strong body dysphoria, but not a very strong gender role dysphoria. And like the original poster, I've tried everything imaginable to just be more masculine and make it go away before finally realizing that it's not possible. I've spent another 10 years roughly since then just trying to cope with it and avoid the transition and I still haven't made up my mind yet.