You are pretty.

Being alone, probability says no but you control al lot of the odds. The more you can influence the odds in your favor the better your probability of connecting with someone. Many of the items you can control or influence and some things you can not.

This is a fear I identify with for sure, before I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago it certainly ran through my head "what if I never find someone again?" But, ultimately that is a poor reason to stay with (or to get with) someone.

It is an irrational fear and I wish I could say something to alleviate it for you but truth be told I have to tell myself to be objective and try and be super positive to realize that I am worthwhile, and while mostly the people who flirt with me are guys and I have no interest in men, clearly someone is into me so that means eventually I will find someone who is into me who I also like back.

What's your context about love and relationship? coz I believe that your actions and feelings around love and relationship is dictated by the context you are living in. Shift that and see if the game changes.

April

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 22, 2015, 06:21:09 PM
I'm really down now lately about this, and it's the one reason I've contemplated going back.  I just wish I could meet someone I am really attracted to-not just someone who "loves" me or some BS but someone who is smart, stimulating, who I can really love life with...and I'm virtually certain that because I'm trans, won't ever be able to afford surgery, and look disgustingly ugly nobody will ever want to love me.  I just want to cry   Why couldn't I have been pretty?  I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect.  I hate it.

You sound like you're very depressed. If you haven't, I suggest talking to a Dr, maybe getting some talk therapy. Talk therapy has been proven to help people. Cognitive behavioural therapy works. Go to the library and borrow a copy of "Full Catastrophe Living" its a bit like a self help book but, its not made up crap, its all based on real evidence based things you can do to help yourself.


A few things I want to point out to you.
1, There is nothing at all wrong with being alone, when you like your own company. Learn to like yourself. Find things you enjoy doing, and do them on your own. There's nothing broken in you that can be fixed by being with someone else. When you're confidant and ok with yourself, you're less likely to let what other people think bother you. Confidence is attractive. Its hard to get to know someone that doesn't think they're worth getting to know. Sometimes, people use self hate as a barrier to protect themselves from imagined threats. the thinking can go like this "It doesn't matter if someone thinks im ugly, because I already know I'm ugly"
"It doesn't matter if people say mean things, because I already say mean things to myself"
"It doesn't matter if people don't like me because I'm a transsexual woman, because I don't like transsexual women" 
etc etc...

2 You're drop dead pretty. I've seen your photos. Deny it all you want. You're beautiful. You have a figure that models would drown a bag of kittens for, and your face is lovely. I know you say people look at you.. guess what? people look at women all the time. It's maddening at first but the simple fact is, unfortunately women get stared at all the time by men, and by other women. I used to find it really intimidating, now its just part of background noise of life. You wont always be so sensitive to it.

I think (and I have nothing to back this up) that the reason I was sensitive to it to start with is, being socialised as male, we're taught that making too much eye contact with someone is aggressive and an invitation to violence...
I remember one night a few years ago, I'd been on hrt for just over a year.  I was sitting in the corner of a bar with some friends having a drink.. a guy kept looking at me.... then he walked over.. I was feeling really intimiidated and ready to defend myself so... I stood up and said "did you get eyes for christmas, c**t?" He was totally shocked and said "I'm really sorry I just wanted to say hi cause I noticed you sitting over there you seemed nice.." he walked off confused and probably quite offended. My friends pissed themselves laughing at my confusion and said "duuuhh, he liked you!"
They still tease me about it and ask if I'm going to pick fights with boys if we go out.

Moral of the story, people look at women. Its hard to get used to but you will, in the mean time, try not to drop C bombs on strangers in bars.

3, " I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect"
That there in particular is really messed up thinking. you can tie respect to physicality. its just plain wrong. Pretty pretty please get some talk therapy? There are so many types of beauty.

Many people end up alone. It's okay. Make good friends. They won't fart in your bed.

I'm going through a very painful divorce and I'm no spring chicken anymore. Yes, my avatar pic is just a couple weeks old. But I'm 59. That's still young enough to snag another person, but I feel liberated at this point. I will be moving. I will make new friends. I will participate in community activities. I enjoy performing music. I like  to write. The possibilities for meeting new and interesting people are endless.

And looks? If that avatar is your real pic,  you've got nothing to worry about. But as others have mentioned beauty is a summation of the whole. Real beauty comes from within and as you get to know people  (and most people are certainly not beauty queens) they will see the true you.

I wish you the best.

Chin up and all of that.
Cindi

I don't know.  I hope you're all right, but I just feel like such an ugly man right now.  I don't want to be a man!  I shouldn't be one...that's all I can see, and I worry that's all anyone else is ever gonna see either

Ha! You should have seen me before I transitioned! I wasn't ugly but there was no way I could pass. I didn't have any facial work done except have electrolysis. Estrogens will change your face some, enough to make a difference.

The need to transition comes from within, not by how you appear. Find a way to deal with your depression. Therapy can help. Sometimes it can't. Find activities to keep you busy. Get plenty of exercise. The inner you will determine what you do.

My best.

Cindi

The inner me though...it's still just inner.  I can't seem to bring the person I'd like to be in reality.  I've been on hrt for two years, and I still see a guy when I look in the mirror.

QuoteThe inner me though...it's still just inner.  I can't seem to bring the person I'd like to be in reality.  I've been on hrt for two years, and I still see a guy when I look in the mirror.

Do you really see a man in the mirror, as you said, or is the poor pretty, vulnerable, kind, frightened, hopeful, angry girl that is looking back at you just different from what you thought she would be like?
Maybe you need a new mirror. You should get one that will show you what is actually there, and not reflect the negative perspective you seem to cultivate against yourself.
Then look her in the eyes and ask yourself why you are doing this to her, whether she deserves this. She is there, you just seem to continue to decide not to see her.
Perpetuating your negative thoughts keeps you feeling bad and from seeing what is there. Snap out of it.

No matter who or what you are, you should learn to love yourself before expecting love from others.

BTW my female self is different in almost every respect from what I thought "she" would be like, but I have learned to let her be (and look) herself, and she has never disappointed me.

Honey you are far from ugly. But i agree with the others you need to work on loving yourself before others will want to be with you. Another thing I'm not sure if you do it, but avoid obsessively looking in the mirror.  I know I'm guilty of this and the more i do it the more frustrated i get, because i start to obsess over everything i don't like.

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 24, 2015, 01:08:32 PM
The inner me though...it's still just inner.  I can't seem to bring the person I'd like to be in reality.  I've been on hrt for two years, and I still see a guy when I look in the mirror.

Listen up beautiful, HRT did NOTHING for me until after I had SRS. Yes, the testosterone runs strong in my family. Then all of a sudden, I started losing chest and leg hair. My boobs grew a bit. I never got strongly defined nipples but my ariolas (sic) grew and I look normal there. I've seen other women that don't have those nicely defined little marbles. I definitely don't look male by any means.

I got by before SRS by getting rid of my facial hair, getting a cute hair cut, and dressing nice.

Cindi