Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 22, 2015, 06:21:09 PM
I'm really down now lately about this, and it's the one reason I've contemplated going back. I just wish I could meet someone I am really attracted to-not just someone who "loves" me or some BS but someone who is smart, stimulating, who I can really love life with...and I'm virtually certain that because I'm trans, won't ever be able to afford surgery, and look disgustingly ugly nobody will ever want to love me. I just want to cry 
Why couldn't I have been pretty? I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect. I hate it.
You sound like you're very depressed. If you haven't, I suggest talking to a Dr, maybe getting some talk therapy. Talk therapy has been proven to help people. Cognitive behavioural therapy works. Go to the library and borrow a copy of "Full Catastrophe Living" its a bit like a self help book but, its not made up crap, its all based on real evidence based things you can do to help yourself.
A few things I want to point out to you.
1, There is nothing at all wrong with being alone, when you like your own company. Learn to like yourself. Find things you enjoy doing, and do them on your own. There's nothing broken in you that can be fixed by being with someone else. When you're confidant and ok with yourself, you're less likely to let what other people think bother you. Confidence is attractive. Its hard to get to know someone that doesn't think they're worth getting to know. Sometimes, people use self hate as a barrier to protect themselves from imagined threats. the thinking can go like this "It doesn't matter if someone thinks im ugly, because I already know I'm ugly"
"It doesn't matter if people say mean things, because I already say mean things to myself"
"It doesn't matter if people don't like me because I'm a transsexual woman, because I don't like transsexual women"
etc etc...
2 You're drop dead pretty. I've seen your photos. Deny it all you want. You're beautiful. You have a figure that models would drown a bag of kittens for, and your face is lovely. I know you say people look at you.. guess what? people look at women all the time. It's maddening at first but the simple fact is, unfortunately women get stared at all the time by men, and by other women. I used to find it really intimidating, now its just part of background noise of life. You wont always be so sensitive to it.
I think (and I have nothing to back this up) that the reason I was sensitive to it to start with is, being socialised as male, we're taught that making too much eye contact with someone is aggressive and an invitation to violence...
I remember one night a few years ago, I'd been on hrt for just over a year. I was sitting in the corner of a bar with some friends having a drink.. a guy kept looking at me.... then he walked over.. I was feeling really intimiidated and ready to defend myself so... I stood up and said "did you get eyes for christmas, c**t?" He was totally shocked and said "I'm really sorry I just wanted to say hi cause I noticed you sitting over there you seemed nice.." he walked off confused and probably quite offended. My friends pissed themselves laughing at my confusion and said "duuuhh, he liked you!"
They still tease me about it and ask if I'm going to pick fights with boys if we go out.
Moral of the story, people look at women. Its hard to get used to but you will, in the mean time, try not to drop C bombs on strangers in bars.
3, " I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect"
That there in particular is really messed up thinking. you can tie respect to physicality. its just plain wrong. Pretty pretty please get some talk therapy? There are so many types of beauty.
