Hi jamiej,
I can certainly understand the roller coaster ride. I have been on many such rides dragging my wife up and down with me. One thing I can say for certain is that it is not something I wanted to do on purpose. I think a lot of it comes from not wanting to damage the relationship with my wife along with all the shame and guilt I feel, makes me want to try and suppress my feelings and be the man I think my wife wants me to be. That just leads to extreme mood swings and turns me into not a very nice person to be around.
I'll tell you a little bit more about my situation in the hope that you may be able to relate some things to your situation. First up, one difference is that my wife and I have no kids and don't plan on having any in the future.
As far as my wife letting me be Jayne. It's still early days for us. We both went to see a therapist together yesterday. One of the things the therapist suggested to help ease my distress was for me to try dressing at home. My wife was completely ok with that. In fact, after we left the therapist, we went shopping to find something for me. We spent more than 6 hours shopping which is unheard of, because neither of us are shoppers, but we both actually had a lot of fun. My wife was incredible. She was helping me pick things and because I wasn't ready to go into the change rooms with all the other women, my wife was kind of sizing things up on her and then adding a bit of size to suit me. I don't know if I can go in public by myself. I'm trying to build up the courage to do it for my next therapist session next week. My wife is a bit uneasy to be in public with me as a woman because she is worried what people would think. That is understandable. I've had my whole life to try and deal with this. My wife has had only a few months since I came out to her. We will work through it together. I haven't actually had a chance to try my new cloths on. It was getting late by the time we got home and I need to get up early for work today. I'm really looking forward to getting home this evening.
I can understand you wanting to spend time in your baby room given how much you want a baby. Don't give up on your partner, but at the same time, if you feel he is getting a bit too self involved in his own issues and forgetting about yours, then let him know how you feel. Speaking for myself, I find it can be easy to let my mind run away with my own thoughts, especially now that I have my wife's blessing to dress at home. I need to keep remind myself to take things slowly so that my wife has a chance to process things herself. I also need to learn to not obsess about everything TG 24/7. My obsessing is draining on my wife.
My therapist has assured me, and everything I have read also confirms it, that transitioning does not change your personality other than make you a happier person. If your partner is happy doing the "man" type jobs now, I don't believe that would change. I am an engineer, drive a 4wd, a motorbike, like to tinker in the garage and generally playing with anything mechanical. I don't see any of that changing if I transition. I don't see me getting upset if I break a nail
I don't really know whether I will transition or not. I don't want to transition because of all the complications and difficulties that come with it. But if it comes down to me transitioning or living the rest of my life as a person that is miserable and impossible to live with, I will transition. However, be aware that transition could be simply wearing female underwear beneath the man clothes, or the full works including hormones, surgery, and everything in between.
Keep communicating and loving each other and you will find what you both need.
Take care and keep in touch.
Jayne
