Trust me, I am not all that indulged... if it weren't for super frugality and waiting for big discounts I wouldn't have a whole lot. What would be nice is to switch careers, keep the same pay, and then Tasha would truly be indulged. I am really tired of hiding myself sooo much. The money is barely more than I need to pay bills... I can't believe how much more it costs to live in this tiny little town. It is honestly outrageous. Something like 3000 to 3500 a month... in necessities... and my daughter would be devastated if we moved her away from her friends. So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place here. Ahhhhhhhhrrrrgggghh..... lol.

I know that I shouldn't complain, I am really not doing poorly, it's just that I built this whole life based on a forced persona, and now, to hold onto the stability that I have created, I have to hold on to that persona. It is harder everyday, and it would be too hard on my daughter to pull bet away from here. Lol.... almost dropped the f-bomb there.... but DANG!!! It was tough enough to hold our lives together before, now it takes every-damn-thing I have and more. Good thing I have a massive amount of determination....

for a long time I've been obsessed with finding a woman to settle down with and start a family etc. up until a few months ago anyway. Suddenly I have much more important things to think about. As much as I still want those things in a way I'm glad it's still only me. I don't have to worry or deal with a wife or children. when i find someone I know she will really like me for me.

Christine and tasha atleast you have spouse/partners that accept you and are understanding and supportive. tasha i know you can find a way there is always a way.

Still pretty depressed here. Spent the day with my parents sister and aunt. I just couldn't bring myself to saying anything. They are big time worriers and I am afraid they would only see the negative aspects. My thought today honestly have been focus on purging but of course as soon as I got home I put on my new dress and heels. Relaxed now at least. It does that to me. I really don't know what to do. Jerrica, I know how you feel regarding the cross dressing. Maybe that's all I should do. I am just not sure I can handle the implications of transitioning. Yesterday really threw me for a loop. The judgement is unbearable. I just don't see myself changing enough to pass and I can't see my family accepting it. This sucks. I am so frustrated.


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Fon't worry Sarah, I had pretty much that thought anyway, about maybe getting denied it, but I just didn't put it out ther lol
Oh whatever happens, happens anyeay,
And yes I am incredibly luck with my gf, honestly she has done so much, buying clothes with me, doing make up, and reserching hormones, ond Orchies, and everything in between! She has been unreal!
Byt yep we are lucky in that we haven't started a family, as much as I would want one, it just adds a whole new tangent of worry!
Im sorry to here that Jenny, the amount of times I have done just that :/
You shouldn't base being a woman inside on how much yourbody has been poisoned with testosterone.
I looked at it like this, before I told my gf it would brake my heart, should I be hit by a car or something and killed to have "MR" on my stone, :/ you'd guess it wouldn't matter, your dead like, but for me it does!
You really can't lie forever! It has to be delt with,
Stay strong all of yous girls,
Love yous,

I know. The fact that the clothing soothes me so much tells me something. I have seen several before and after pics on this site that are promising. I am just so damned dysphoric about my body it makes me want to scream.  My shoulders are huge. I look like a huge man in women's clothing. I have been losing weight but it doesn't seem to be helping. I am so frustrated. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I was so happy a couple of days ago and now I am just depressed. I feel like crap. I hope I can get out of this funk soon.


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Definitely agree with you Christine... and Jenny, I feel that way about my looks too at times, but then the both of us are more beautiful than some women as it is, without having done hrt or surgery. Imagine what we could look like after!!! I know how you feel about family though, I do not know what to do right now either, but for me that means deal with depression and anxiety until I can get some therapy to help me decide how to move forward.... stay strong ladies, goodnight!!!

Hey Girls, hope use are all alright!
I haven't heard from use in a while, I'v become so excited these last few days, as July the 11th approaches, hopefully I start them ther and then as I have my holidays, on tge 29th of July for three weeks, it will be so nice to just relax!
Hope your all doing ok,
Hugs, Christine

Doing well here Christine. Thanks for checking in. I was thinking the same thing. Not much going on. I have my appointment with my endo on June 10. Diabetes related mainly but I will be talking to them about options for HRT as well. We will see how it goes. Thinking of getting laser for my dark hairs on my beard area and back. Would make covering it up with makeup easier. Not sure how much activity Jenny will see until I get further along in the process but she is always in my heart. Also still have not told my parents yet. Nervous about that too. Ordered some new dresses online. Can't wait to get them. Talk to you soon!  Jenny


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Congrats Christine!!! That IS exciting!! I have just been busy, and been too negative for a while. I am watching though!! Got some new eyeshadow, wet and wild nudes.... freaking beautiful!!! I love it!!! Wearing a purple top and black skater skirt.... feel like I look like a million bucks right now!!! It's late for me though, thanks for caring lady!!! I do miss you girls!!!

I'm having an amazing week tbh. Denim shorts, new cute tshirts & ponytail at work. Leaving early just for fun as it's sunny here and you don't waste sunshine in Scotland.

Rough start with wife when I put on my sunny stuff and she kinda broke down. Waited a while as kids and I just chatted and had dinner with everyone else perfectly happy. Then we had a chat still in my new stuff. I think it did her good to let it all out.

The day after she was remarkably better and unphased by me despite basically the same outfit. Perfectly normal and happy which was major progress. Even kisses and cuddles with no recoil in all my girly glory.

Yesterday she impressed the hell out me further for high school visit. Although she did ask me nicely to drop the pony (which I did) she actually stayed with me as did daughter when talking to new head teacher about me being MTF to update kids records and wasn't giving off pained vibes.

New tshirts and no negative stuff either despite switching from crew to V neck for exposing my upper body to just below my fairy necklace and even closer cut to taper into my waist.

Pony straight back in with my pink hair band as we were leaving the school building and still no negativity. Didn't expect to get away with that one but she was fine with it.

Almost scared to say it in case I burst the bubble but I think she might be past the worst  

Also sleepover on the cards for daughters best friend. Girly night ahead of from Friday night to Sunday afternoon.

So clothes, sunshine, girly weekend, happy wife and family defo an awesome week.

Oh you all sound so beautiful!  I wish I could be closer to full time like that. Just not ready for that yet. I have my son this weekend and of course he doesn't know Jenny yet. Not sure when that will happen. Sunny Scotland sound really nice. Would love to hear your Scottish accent! Have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live skit with Patrick Stewart where he is in a shop or something?  All I really remember is him saying, "If it's not Scottish, it's crap!"  Oh well. Getting ready for work. Will day dream of all you girls in all your glory. Jenny


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Tasha skater skirts are gorgeous particularly with long legs. A good bit further down my someday list until I could do that but can imagine you totally rocking it.

Defo got good taste in clothes.

Wow Tasha.  That does sound great.  I just looked up Skater Skirts and they look awesome!  I bet you look great.  Would love to see a picture sometime.

Ok, here I go again.  I am so confused.  Call me wishy-washy.  I keep finding myself going back and forth where one moment I am fully ready and want to transition and the next, I am telling myself I am ok with my being male.  I love Jenny so much, but is it worth the hard road it would take to truly become her?  I feel like right now I am stuck in the middle somewhere.  I want to be Jenny but being out in public is so challenging and so scary.  I guess it would be different if I had already been on HRT for years already but I haven't so I still look like a big hairy guy wearing women's clothing.

Of course, now it is even hard to be male since I have taken certain measures to make Jenny more attractive.  Like shaving my legs, my arms, my chest, etc.  My son is with me this weekend and he wants to go swimming in the pool here at my apartment complex.  What will people think if they see me out and about in shorts as a man with shaved legs?  I took the nail polish off my toes, so at least that is ok for now. 

As far as being Jenny, my beard is the worst.  I can have a five o'clock shadow very soon after I shave.  In fact, I don't think I ever lose the shadow completely when I shave so covering the beard is difficult if not impossible.  I have been considering laser and/or electrolysis, but it is so expensive and after so much expenses I have had to incur due to moving into a new apartment, I am not sure I can afford it right now.

I of course have been male all my life so that's really all I know.  Being Jenny is so foreign to me but at the same time so comforting.  She wants to live.  She wants to take over.  Do I let her, or do I continue being male and not let her out?

Have you girls had feelings like these?  Again, I think I am having issues because unlike lots of transgender women, I have not known I wanted to be a woman all my life.  When I was little, I told myself I wanted to be a girl but never really went past that.  At about 10, I tried my mom's clothing once.  Almost got caught and didn't do it again until I was 51 when I tried my wife's clothing.  I don't know what made me think I wanted to do that.  I just did.  And of course, I had an uncontrollable urge to tell my wife what I was feeling (not that I had tried her clothes though).  Of course that is what ended my 21 year marriage and here I am now in my own apartment waiting on divorce.

Since I have been on my own and able to pursue being Jenny, I have felt very comfortable with it, mainly when alone in my apartment.  Of course, as you know, I have ventured out as Jenny and it felt great with the exception of feeling judged by the strangers around me.  However, I do find myself looking at other women and feeling jealous of them.  Interesting that I used to look at women because I thought I was attracted to them but now, I see them as competition.  I look at what they are wearing and I wish I could wear what they are wearing.

I am babbling again.  I am so sorry.  I just am so confused and it is driving me crazy.  Any advice would be extremely welcome.

Thanks for listening (again...).  You are probably getting tired of my wishy-washiness. 

Jenny

Skater skirts are stunning, I'm jealous,I haven't found one yet, and yes a picture would be nice to see it, is it high waisted?
Haha I heard about this mad heat wave you UK one are having, my family in Ireland have it too, I'm having crap weather at the moment in Switzerland.
I wana see a pic of you too Jerrica, you sound around my size and shape from your posts!

And Jenny, I really don't know what you need to do to really know its how you feel. Me I just always knew and even though I still looked like a guy I always felt like a girl, I would just be so different, I got abuse for it like! By family mostly, when I went out in town I would be as manly as I needed in my mannerisms, I was a girl not dumb, I wasn't gonna be bullied for being me, so I hid it!

Maybe you have built so many barriers to avoid judgement,  and you can't even remember your old feelings, that can hapoen, people will always judge, but remeber ther is only one person who has the right to judge us, and he ain't on this planet!
How would you feel if you wher dead now your floating round the croud crying about your passing, your having a laugh as why not your dead and your a ghost, and you are exactly as us should be a beautiful angel with long beautiful hair, then you realise your Stone is marked "MR"
......
I personally would go mad, and try scratch it off, but I would see its too late and everything I do has no effect on the stone!

Thats a gammy story Iv always had in my head, but its true enough for me, our soles always wher female, I think it is the biggest regret of life having lived an entire life without people ever knowing who you realky are! And we never know how short life can be at time, so profit from it now
While we can,

Don't want to sound morbid, but its actually a nice we scene for me
Hugs Christine

Hi girls,
   I haven't been up to much the last week just getting everything in order for school. I had to rush through enrollment because the day I talked to them was the cut off for the next session. If not I would have had to wait until the end of Sep.   I didn't graduate high school so had to write an entrance exam. I was a little nervous but I finished in record time and got 88.  My Student loan was approved and I got the paperwork off for that. So, everything is done and I start this week. So exciting.

for work I'm a caregivers aide but all I really have to do is be there. My program is online so i can do it from anywhere. I talked to My Employer and they are fine with me working on it there so I have lots of time to put into it. It's funny i never imagined myself going back to school and now I'm actually looking forward to it.

Jenny people do all kinds of thing for man/woman scaping so most people probably won't even pay attention to your body hair or lack of it. I hear your pain on  the shadow as I still get a bit of one. it's so annoying.

I never thought of being a women growing up. but as soon as i bought and put on my first skirt I wanted a little more until I was all done up as a women. it felt so right and natural and i was so happy I knew that's how I was meant to be. Other then a passing thought of "maybe cross dressing will be my thing" I knew I was women. For me no matter what I thought I knew I wouldn't stop being a women. even if i thought maybe I shold stop I had no intention of not wearing breast forms. I have a hard time taking them off when i go to bed.

Jerrica that is really great about your wife. I can't imagine what it would be like to adjust to my spouse transitioning but she's still with you so she wants to. take care girls.

I understand how you feel Jenny, I feel that way too sometimes... but really about the legs? I have been shaving for six months plus and the only comment I have EVER gotten was "you really are serious about this shaving thing", and... that could have only been about my face lol.... I have always, and I mean always had massive amounts to of facial hair and I started shaving arms legs chest pits.... and much more before I cut off my 4 inch beard.  You'll be okay swimming. And as for the questioning, I just let myself feel and do what I am okay with. Sometimes I feel I have to push past my comfort zone, as in the first time I wore heels out, but from there I decided that I would go out as Tasha as often as I felt comfy with, and got more comfy every time. At first I had to be dressed to the 9s, but now I just wear whatever. I got caught yesterday, and didn't even know until today. My neighbor has a little dog that ran out in front of my car as I was leaving, he looked right at me, and today he apologized and said he hoped his dog didn't freak me out too bad. I didn't even freak out like I thought I would when I got caught. I was just like well... I knew it would happen sooner or later. The guy was cool, he didn't even mention it, just that he hoped I was okay. By the way, if you didn't already k kw, I am a general contractor, so, imagine being expected to be hyper masculine all the time, and getting caught with shaved everything. But, everybody is cool, so... I know it's hard at first (it still is), but it gets easier as you go. You need to do what you want... you look great jenny, can't tell.... we all pick ourselves apart so much more than anyone else that we give ourselves a complex, but really.... life is going to go on.... and the world will not explode. Just be true to yourself!!!

And... thank you Christine, Jerrica, and Jenny, I will get a pic next time I wear that outfit for sure....

Love you ladies, gnight!!!

Jenny you can get away with a heck of a lot while presenting as male. The metro sexual thing is in these days. Shaving is an easy one to explain if called on it tell them you are exercising more and were overheating so shaved is much more comfy. As for switching back and forth it's all about whether you are spending your time as male or female due to necessity or comfort. There is nothing wrong with being both if that is what feels right for you. For superpowers I always wished I was a shapeshifter so I could be a woman. No explanation just really wanted to and knew I'd never be a male given the choice. Tiny example but shows my true desires from my earliest youth anything else would be a lie for fear or devil you know kinda thing. Shaving like many things my weaknesses as a man have been a godsend as a woman as my facial hair was always very sparse and wiry but unfortunately for laser primarily light. Body hair not that much with zero on back or upper arms etc. To me I still feel like a sasquatch but I always fixate on what's left rather than progress made. In the end it's your call but if you are able to enjoy being male then do it and have fun no need to beat yourself up about it or worry if you are trans enough. The only label you should have to wear is "Me".

Pics I would love to do but I would need to work on a secure enough method as I am really paranoid about identifiable stuff on the net.

The grave part I had previously decided once dead I didn't care but now I have my name I'll be damned if I'm called anything else except by my wife (she's allowed).

The stuff for school sounds amazing and thank you as I always seem to forget until about September-ish when it's too late. Need to hurry and check out courses just for fun.

Defo went through what I saw as lesser diagnosis while working myself out ->-bleeped-<-, fetishism, autogynophelia, nonbinary, gender fluid, gay or anything else that seemed easier. Never did I believe I could actually change my body to be female so looked hard for something else that was considered a cure/achievable.

Totally counting my blessings on the wife front. She is truly amazing and I would consider my life pointless without her.

The dressed to the 9s thing I totally did that but only in the safety of home (think housework in pvc thigh boots with 5" heels lol). Think I was over compensating for decades of deprivation and/or kinda proving to myself I was female as preHRT my brain was based 99% on thought and 1% on what was left of my feelings on a good day. Since then now I can feel I can laugh at my earlier thoughts of my broken brain trying to work itself out to fix me when it is so blindingly obvious looking backwards. Not too harsh on him though he did the best he could with what he had which included making my family so he got some things very right even if he didn't know it.

The neighbour thing is cool. Figure mine has to know as I have stood chatting to him with my body unhidden, hair tied back, fairy necklace on display and told him to call me Jerri as I no longer use Gerard. He didn't ask and I didn't tell him but either way our relationship hasn't changed.

One thing for sure is holding ourselves to such high ideals of how a woman is supposed to look and that in itself is being a woman. Can't remember exactly where I read it but MTF while looking in the mirror was asking her wife "Will I ever look in the mirror and feel like a woman? All I see is things I don't like and need to fix" the wife answered "Sweetie you ARE feeling like a woman looking in the mirror. We all feel that way". Such a sweet story it helps put things in perspective for appearances and brings me comfort if I try to fixate on negatives like a bit more belly than I'd like. I think it as a woman and recognise that instead of thinking it makes me less female.

Thank you for your support girls. In the end, I do feel Jenny will probably win this battle of the body. I am more comfortable at least at home when I am dressed as her, even if it is just a night gown, heels and the wig. It makes me feel good. I am just going to have to let time tell the story and we will see how the story of Jenny versus that guy pans out. Again, thanks for listening. I do feel female most of the time. There are just so many external pressures that tell me to continue to be male. I have been doing what everyone has expected me to do most of my life and only now am I starting to break the surface of breaking free to be me.

Sarah, that's awesome you are going back to school. Good luck!  You will do great.

Jerrica, I am happy for you that your wife is so supportive. I only wish mine could have been. I must admit, I think the exact same thing when I look in the mirror. I smile when I see Jenny more often than when I see the guy in the mirror.

Talk to you soon. Jenny


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Update... my sister in law knows now, I told her last night after half a pint of tequila and a six pack. She said she has been waiting for me to tell her.... and she is very supportive and just freaking awesome. It is always so scary, but, it seems like it usually turns out okay. I actually cried from happiness, and I'm not even doing hormones yet!!! Great night last night, and am having a pretty good day today as well....

Have a great weekend ladies!!! I'll talk to you soon!!!

Fantastic news and very glad to hear it.