Thanks Dena. I find the 10 year gap with your speedy recovery in a matter of weeks particularly reassuring. I remember you had told me before I could just stop but the speed of restoration is impressive I had guessed months of slow work to do it.

So if I were to dilate religiously for say the first year to ensure proper healing then theoretically at least I could just stop if I'm not "using" it.

If my position then changed I could safely restore it to full working order in say a month or so with no harm done.

That would render the long term maintenance as optional making the initial time cost like the financial one just a shortish term imposition.

This reduces the fear of the "do it forever just in case" approach and the fear of being trapped.

I suspect it might be somewhat determined by the procedure as I had a good old fashion PI surgery which is pretty durable. Graft and other variations may require more careful care. One procedure perforates the skin for maximum depth and because it's more likely to form scar tissue, it may require more dilation to maintain depth.  Also I was a good girl for about 20 years before I went bad. I suspect it might take 2-3 years to be relatively sure your surgery is stable but you could gradually lengthen out the time period to see what your body requires. For example, work it out to 2 weeks, 3 weeks and then once a month and see if that's sufficient.

Hi Dena thanks for popping into our little thread again. 

I think there's so many variables like everything else in transitioning. I don't think I would use one persons experience to gauge how my body would react. As you say experiment and see what works for you.  I would give it lots of healing time before I started messing with the doctors recommendations though. A girl I know who recently had it and is still sore and it's been almost two months. I haven't really searched to see what people recovery times were after. I'll have to do that when I have more time.

oh on the changes front I'm definitely seeing some changes in my breasts now. I've been accumulating more fat on my chest for, I dunno, the last couple weeks for sure. I haven't really been paying that much attention to it as my chest was still pretty flat. I just noticed today though that my nipples are slightly raised now.  And just 'cause I like to 'cause myself pain - not really. I just gently squeezed my chest on both sides and it hurt like a MOFO. So, yeah, they are definitely getting more sensitive.  I also got a crazy pain in my right breast earlier today. Luckily it didn't last long.

Ok I've just been scrutinizing my chest and wholly cow man. There's a hug difference between the height of my nipple and just below. So out of curiosity I measured my chest. it's up 1 cm since I measured it to get my starting measurements working out a couple days ago. I'm so excited. I know it's just 1 cm but it's the first one and it means things are changing for real!!! ***jumps up and down with excitement*** 

I was ready to go to bed an hour ago but now I'm soo excited I 'm not going to be able to sleep.

Thanks Dena as you say it will definitely be a body listening exercise.

Hopefully once it's done I'll like it etc therefore like every other maintenance task I have I'll just get on with it.

Great news Sarah. That is some rapid results for sure.

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Sarah, be careful jumping up and down with excitement. When they bounce, they hurt like heck. I noticed that coming down the stairs a while back. You know when you go down really fast and they bounce. Ouch! 


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LOL Jenny, yes I will be careful and try not to 'cause myself too much pain. on that note. my chest has been sore all day and my arms have been killing me. i couldn't move them around that much 'cause they hurt so much. then suddenly a little earlier this evening they suddenly didn't hurt as much. still a little sore though. seems like the weirdest thing. I expected my chest to hurt but I didn't think it would go up my arms. Although it makes sense with the way those muscles run. I hope this doesn't become a regular occurrence though. 

My arms hurt too. They get real tired when I am blowing my hair. That could be the muscle mass decreasing though. So much pain but in the end it is worth every minute to make my body into what it was meant to be in the first place.


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Yeah I keep joking with myself. Puberty sucks.. why am I doing it again?? But it will be worth every minute in the end. I'm not really complaining about it (the pain) but I'm not enjoying it either. I do love seeing the changes in my chest though. I'm pretty sure I made a comment about it a while back when I first noticed it. not really a measurable change but my face has rounded out over the last few months. my cheek bones and my chin are much softer. haven't really noticed any changes in my skin but that's a little tougher for me to judge on myself.

The whole pain thing sounds horrible tbh but pain is a price we're all willing to pay to get what we want.
At least the pain can be reassuring that things are happening.

Big news for me - I got almost all of my memories back last night Total Recall style complete with the mother of all headaches for my trouble. Almost expected my eyes to bleed and head to explode scanners style it was seriously intense.

I'd been poking around for ages as you know and finally found them including sex stuff.
Steam rooms are great for thinking and I was in it for hours doing just that then KAPOW massive influx of memories. Spent a long time in the steam room processing them working my way through MY life in stages and even found the emotional stream (limited but they were there) on them making them a lot more real and mine.

Glad to know I had a pretty good life and was actually a good person. I had feared remembering what I expected to be some other bad persons life but it was still mine. Bit messed up due to T in my system although I didn't know it then but I did bloody well with what I had. My base values and desires were all there just didn't have the hardware to back it up.

It's nice to have them back as it no longer feels like I was simply missing for those years. That totally blows my split personality out of the water but I'm ok with that so there was only ever one me although T did mess me up but that's no different that someone on alcohol or drugs (well apart from not having a choice). Standard gender dysphoria history throughout ofc nothing special.

As for the original "Why or how did I lose them?" I don't have a clue the old theories still hold with physical or psychological but we'll never know for sure and I don't care anymore now I have them lol

Still a few chunks of years missing which I'm working on but I really could do with a few days sleep first as I'm mentally and emotionally drained from it.

Have to work though so.......... /sigh

WOW that is great Jerrica. It's almost strange that they would just come back like that. it sounds like it might've been some kind of mental block like you say. who knows but it's gotta be nice to remember things. I have a terrible time remembering and processing things. usually they way I remember a lot of things is if something reminds me of it. It's something I should work on.

It is a relief tbh as I had no idea what I'd forgotten I naturally feared the worst. With the way they felt then went away it really did leave me feeling like someone else moving out of my body as I moved in.

My mum always tells me things happen for a reason even when I first told her about my memory loss.

Thinking about it I suppose I had to lose my memory to allow me to have a truly fresh start. Pretty sure if I had retained my memories they would have changed my development as previous decisions and history would had to have had an impact on me.

I definitely grew up a lot differently this time to the way I was before but in good ways. I'm sociable, optimistic, empathetic and extroverted. A polar opposite to how I was due to growing up on T.

Maybe now I'm grown up enough I've been given them back. The memories themselves though seem to have been improved they are much clearer and involved with much more in them than I remember remembering previously even the emotional channel is there albeit very different I can relate to them. Like I joked on my other thread it's like the remastered version in HD with Dolby and directors commentary.

I figured I got lucky when I lost my memories and stand by it (even though it only lasted a year) to be one of the best and coolest things ever to be given tabula rasa.

Just when I think my life is reaching its best ever state the gods add some more awesomeness to the mix

Hey girls just thought I would say hi. I hope you all had a great weekend.

Hey Sarah!
I haven't been on much since the holidays, but I'm back at work in Switzerland now.
It was fun holiday, but it was tough on me and I'm sure my family who know about me too. We talked ALOT, they wher definitly great about it all though. But it is definitly difficult for them too, and me too, its hard to put them thorugh it all! :/
Anyway hopefully things get back to normal now, Friday I have my next lasser session, the first one reduced allot of my facial hair, its patchy already!
Tons had just fallen out and came back blonde, but they did eventually turn black again, thank god!
Nearly 6 months on HRT too, and I have become super emotional with films and anything that stirs emotions!
Hopefully my changes keep coming too, its been slow and steady so far, and I see my endo next in May.
I haven't had much peace either to be myself as ther is another guy living again with us, this has been a very difficult aspect of my transition so far, and has really pushed for alot of patience, but it won't last forever, I would hate to have to leave work based on people he keeps throwing into the appartment.
He knows its no good to have everyone living together like this, but he keeps doing it. No peace to relax and be yourself its really horibble, even disregarding the trans thing :/
Anyway enough of the downer.
I hope you all got on well over the holidays.

Amazing to hear how fast your laser is working.

I was blessed/cursed with mostly light facial hair. Sparse but immune to laser.
Still getting electrolysis for 3h weekly but I'm getting the soft blondes removed too so will take a wee bit longer.
At least I've got past having to shave my face once a week but my eyes are wickedly good so I snag on the tiniest of hairs.

Switzerland just sounds like a fun place to be.

Emotions are awesome I do enjoy a good weepy once in a while.

Work situ with the guy sound annoying but overall things seem to be going well for you.

Hi girls,
  that's great things are going good for you christine. I'm so happy to hear you've talked to some of your family about this. It's a big but important step, I think.

hmmm I'm so tired I can't think of much else to write. take care girls. talk to you soon

Been a wild week and a world changing night last night.

Ok ultra short version - My wife and I are going to be ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both had some mega breakthroughs last night. It's amazing what a wee snuggle and chat in bed can accomplish. All shields and BS down we let our bodies talk to each other instead of our brains and voices. Nothing heavy or sexual but stripped to my knickers and invited her into bed for a hug. My logic being everything outside my underwear I'm ok with and it should be enough for her to find out if she can connect with me physically. First few seconds she basically made herself do it as her impulses were screaming "run away!!!" but once in my arms she melted as we connected without words and for the first time in a long time I could feel everything is going to be ok. We both felt a lot better and slept well. The good feelings were still there in the morning and I could feel the tension between us was simply gone just like that.

With my world stabilising my fears of being alone or having to go try to find a replacement soulmate are gone.

I have that much faith I have also changed my surgery option to cosmetic as I have discovered I don't have a sex block (or any other blocks left) in my head I'm just honestly not interested in sex and neither is she. My choice for full surgery was at significant cost to me for the benefit of others so really was a bad idea for me. It's not the first misguided decision I've made but again I've been lucky enough to avert disaster rechoosing my path. Might not be a popular choice but yeah I'm defo back as I was with the cosmetic option.

So I get to keep my world as it is and have an amazing future with no imposition beyond taking my hormones with my vitamins forever which is really cool.

I love being me.

Yay!!! I'm glad you guys are able to get past this!!! It takes a strong relationship for sure!!

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Glad to hear things are working out Jerrica. Nothing new here. Talk later.


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Hey girls,

that's really great Jerrica. I'm glad things are working out for you.

I don't have much to share. but i have started noticing these smooth bald patches all over my body. I love it. I have heard that body hair can become more patchy from hormones. definitely excited to be seeing that now. the hair on my head is also getting softer. which seems weird to me. I don't understand why that happens. i can see new hair growing differently but existing hair changing seems strange.

I've been going to the gym and am definitely feeling it. i did legs yesterday and they are still sore. it suddenly seems strange to me that i'm working out. More because most trans girls want to lose muscle and I'm building it. hehehe I've just never been particularly muscular and I don't want to lose the muscle mass I do have. I also want to tone up and burn some belly fat. Building muscle is one of the best ways to reduce body fat.    Diet alone hasn't been doing enough for me this last year. 

Hey Sarah!! Thats great you are noticing changes already,i haven't noticed changes in mine to be honest, not texture anyway, new baby hairs in areas, but not a change in texture. Maybe it is you looking after it more or better now as a woman?
And as for the gym if you are feeling sore, its working. Keep squating and working on legs, tighten the waist and the two combine will really help for wour ratios!
I will hopefully try be more active this year too. So good physicly an mentaly.