Quote from: jinst138 on September 12, 2017, 05:11:43 PM
Thank you so much. That is what I would like to do.

Go ask your parents for help with depression.  If the don't know what depression is, tell them it is a lethal illness and you need help ASAP.

Many famous and even more non-famous people have lost their battle against depression. There is an aura of shame and guilt around depression. I felt it too. But try not to fall into that pit.

Don't wait until depression swallows you completely. It will only get worse the longer you wait. Ask your parents today.

Tony

My mind escapes reality. Ive never lived just distracted myself. I dont know how. Everything is too embarassing and the thought of how vacant my life has been is too much for me to take in. And I cant see the future happening. I only see being alone.

One step at a time... you get to define you.  This can be scary at first, I know because I was really confused with myself at more than one point. 

I have a gender therapist and I was surprised to find out nearly all the costs are covered by health insurance.  I bet you might have access to one if you can find a way to check.  A good therapist can help you come up with a plan. 

Please don't be embarassed because you are different - we all are here.  If every person was identical the world would be a very dull place, and it's not.  You and I help make the world great and interesting in our own ways.

I was there too. Not living. Only escaping life as it happened. But to start living you must stop escaping. Stop opening extra doors for escape in your mind. Close the doors one by one. Decide that now is the time to start your life as yourself.

I was embarassed, terrified, shameful, full of denial when I realized I'm a guy. It took me 7 years of denial and trying to be the perfect wife before I finally understood that this is my path to life. I'm a guy and have always been. I opened my eyes for reality and peace and calm flow through me now.

We can point where reality might be but you need to walk yourself and find your own path to your life.


Tony

I was sure I knew what I was but I dont and I cant think about these things anymore after going over it alone in my head for days. It makes me feel worse. I have to take care of my mom now and get used to doing that for a while. I feel so sick today. I could be okay later. Im not even crying over these feelings anymore Im just feeling nauseated. I feel like its all gone.

You need help with your depression. That is very important.

I need a friend. She was my only friend and she died  She would have left me alone anyways like anyone else.

One thing I suggest is think about your hobbies, interests, favorite things you currently do or want to do.

I have made friends not when I was looking for a new friend, but by exploring an activity and then discovering great people with the same interest. 

when i was a kid I scared myself off dressing femininely in private after I started thinking like I was creating an alternate identity. I did wish I was a girl back then and thought that I should have been born a girl. It was after I had given myself a new name that I was afraid. Way later after I had quit dressing feminine at all I told a woman I was trans as we were getting closer together in private. So after they passed away I continued dressing feminine again privately. Im not sure when I started reassuring myself that I am female or that I wanted to be female. I never thought into it. Now Im afraid I did do something to my head. I started writing about things going on and then talking to people online interacting with people, making aquaintences and feminized my voice online while using the name I had chosen when I was a kid. Eventually I stopped dressing feminine. I had body issues my whole life not all related to being male. Since I quit talking to people online I had fear that I was losing that part of myself that Ive thought had to be the real me. But since Ive never really lived my own life on my own Ive wondered how I could know what kind of person I am at all. In fact I reassured myself as a child that being born male must have made my life easier. I fear growing older and being a certain way. Like I dont want to continue privately dressing feminine or being antisocial. Especially thinking i would be an old man looking like my dad doing these things still. That doesnt feel right for me. Ive been crying heaving and thrashing around sort of childishly when i am alone. Right now I cant enjoy anything that would be distracting me usually. All ive been able to do is think pace and sleep. I want to rewind the last ten years.

Rewinding the past isn't possible though we all would like to do that. You can go forward and make the rest of your life what you want it to be. It may look like it's impossible but may people on the site and far more who are not on the site have undergone a transition. In my case, I came out of the closet around 1973 when it was nearly impossible to find treatment. Still I transitioned and I wasn't the first. We have several members on the site who transitioned before me. Decide that you want to do it and start by making small steps toward your goal. Therapy would be the best place to start but others have moved into a full feminine presentation in public without any therapy.

Quote from: Dena on September 15, 2017, 07:02:38 PM
Rewinding the past isn't possible though we all would like to do that. You can go forward and make the rest of your life what you want it to be. It may look like it's impossible but may people on the site and far more who are not on the site have undergone a transition. In my case, I came out of the closet around 1973 when it was nearly impossible to find treatment. Still I transitioned and I wasn't the first. We have several members on the site who transitioned before me. Decide that you want to do it and start by making small steps toward your goal. Therapy would be the best place to start but others have moved into a full feminine presentation in public without any therapy.

<raises hand>  I was living as a woman with a new legal name before I stepped foot in a medical facility.

Hugs, Devlyn

You have friends here. Online friends, but we are all real people behind all the written words. You can get new close friends as you continue writing. Interacting on the site.

I wish I could rewind my time too. But it can't be done. The best you can do is look around where you stand today. Where do you want to go? What are your goals and your dreams? Aim for your dreams. The path won't be smooth and straight, but keep your head up and keep aiming for your dreams.

If you look behind, see how far you have come. Looking back won't tell you how much is left, it will only tell you your history. You can't aim for what has been because time goes forward. If you keep looking back, you will stay where you are.

Not saying you need to forget your past, in your past you have knowledge and learning.

About your best friend's death. Maybe you need therapy to over come the sorrow. Not to forget her, just to handle your sorrow. I have several relatives and friends who have passed away. If you get stuck in sorrow, you need help to get through it.


Tony

What if Im not sure how I want to express myself maybe due to lack of confidence and socializing experience or Im just not that feminine but I still dont want my body to appear what I see as too male.

This is a case where you never know until you try. My discomfort with myself was so great, all I knew was I wanted to be a woman. It was only in RLE that I discovered living as a woman eliminated much of my discomfort and had the option of surgery not been available, I could have survived just living as a woman. Fortunately surgery was available and provided the finishing touches to what I had started. There was a great deal of fear when I stared and little hope that this would be the answer but part time RLE will help you explore your feelings. You have much to learn and the only way to learn in this case is by doing.

This is too much

Quote from: jinst138 on September 16, 2017, 12:42:11 PM
This is too much

If you look at it all at once it appears to be impossible. The trick is to do little things working toward your goal. A start could be as simple as growing your hair out. You might play with makeup or clothing. Some people hate they beard so they work on removing it. Voice can be practiced in private and often can be accomplished without a therapist. Just pick one thing and see if it makes you feel better. Many things will leave no lasting traces so if you decide this is wrong for you, it's possible to return to your old life without a trace. On the other hand, you may find that it's far easer than you though and you will want to take something else on. You have the advantage that we don't know who you are and you can get all the help you require from us. What ever you try will remain a secret unless you chose to tell us your identity.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 16, 2017, 12:42:11 PM
This is too much

I second Dena.

Small steps. Try in private. Try what feels comfortable and right. Only you will know. I have never used makeup, but I'm sure you can get many makeup tips from the girls on this site. Makeup can do A LOT, it can hide and expose lines and shapes.

Makeup takes practice. Try alone and don't give up. It's like riding the bike, once you can do it, it's easy.

Ive done those things in private off and on for years. It doesnt make me happy. Though I never did get well into makeup. I dont know what it was doing for me before. It used to feel good at times I guess. It didnt help me out in real life and I am not comfortable like that in front of other people.

Then do a google search for "your city LGBT" there may be a center or support group located near you where you can make contact with somebody willing to help you get out the door. To some degree pretty well all of us have experienced difficulty getting out the door and many of us are willing to help somebody still in the process.

I have nothing to learn from my past. Ive done as little as possible for a long time. At some point I just lost interest in life and I was never forced to make a change and I never developed skills. So im not yet ready to become the person I wanted to be. I couldnt handle going out and being noticed.