As Joanne said, you can just take an anti-androgen such as spiro, without taking estrogen, and see how that makes you feel. Eventually you'll need to go back on either T or E for long term health, but for a short time it should be fine. This will give you some insight into how you feel when on HRT, even if it's just the AA portion of HRT.

Going to a therapist without taking taking actionable steps is kind of like going to schoool without doing your homework or studying.  It's bettter than nothing, but it's so much better to supplement therapy with life changes, even if they are just  tiny baby steps.

Feeling meloncholy. Helping my kid research colleges. Ended up gravitating toward the sorority pages. Big mistake. I cant be them. So young, so pretty, with perfect bodies. They are so happy, at least for the photos. I feel so sad. Even with a transition, I'll never be a pretty young woman like them. I want to cry. I've been robbed. Why didnt God make me them. Gotta log off and do something to shake off the darkness.

Right, you can't.  But you can be a gracefully aging middle aged trans woman.  And if you had transitioned at 20, would you have your family, your career, all the other things you've done and achieved?  The world was not kind to our people 30 years ago.  You can't change the past, but you can influence the future.

Quote from: amandam on December 14, 2017, 06:58:47 PM
Feeling meloncholy. Helping my kid research colleges. Ended up gravitating toward the sorority pages. Big mistake. I cant be them. So young, so pretty, with perfect bodies. They are so happy, at least for the photos. I feel so sad. Even with a transition, I'll never be a pretty young woman like them. I want to cry. I've been robbed. Why didnt God make me them. Gotta log off and do something to shake off the darkness.

I was told today by an old lady that I look far too young to be 43, married for 13 years and have 2 kids. This tells me you can turn the clock back a bit.

Quote from: amandam on December 14, 2017, 06:58:47 PM
I cant be them...

Ahhh Another "I don't want to be "Me", dream.  Driving yourself crazy with "Should have, would have, could have. I spent a good 50 years living a life that was not 100% "me". Is wishing to be someone else, not you, be that anything different?

I have a pretty long list of "What is WRONG". The If Onlys..... Maybe because I had many "If Onlys" from a tender young age and learned how to adapt, to work with what God gave me, do I view this whole being trans "adder" in the same light. I live a life that is a trans irony. 6ft tall. Balding since 14. A voice deep enough to earn me big bucks doing voice overs. Giant tree frog hands, and... according to Scuba Pro... "Super Extra Large" feet. Just to top off the supper extra large blobs of flab I walk around with. Oh, and to echo an experience you related.... well endowed and able to go for way too long.

If Only......

If only I have never met others I first thought far worse off then me

If only I have never talked with other trans women, hear the joy of their lives today

If only I have never seen no matter how wrong or grotesque I think I am, others still found joy reaching for that gold ring

If only.....

Quote from: amandam on December 14, 2017, 06:58:47 PM
Feeling meloncholy. Helping my kid research colleges. Ended up gravitating toward the sorority pages. Big mistake. I cant be them. So young, so pretty, with perfect bodies. They are so happy, at least for the photos. I feel so sad. Even with a transition, I'll never be a pretty young woman like them. I want to cry. I've been robbed. Why didnt God make me them. Gotta log off and do something to shake off the darkness.

Why do I do this to myself? Is this common with transgender people?

Well, I cancelled my next Kaiser counseling appointment. I regret it sometimes. But, I don't know what to talk about with her specifically. I've learned so much and I have to work on my goals.

Sometimes I see my therapist and I just talk about general life stuff because my transition is ticking along nicely. Other times I'm asking for an early appointment coz I'm in meltdown. If there's not a financial pressure,  I'd keep up that relationship... X

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There is also this: I wanted to keep my first six session therapist. She was gold. But she only does triage. I went to one appt. with this current therapist. When she came out to get me she was all smiles. When she saw me, she reacted like she was put off. Was she expecting someone who looked like they were in transition? That's what I think. I am still in 100% man mode. Then when we got in there she stated that she wasn't sure why I was there. We talked some and she made the next appt. But, I didn't get much value out of it. She's the only female available at Kaiser near me with gender experience and she is very busy. I could only get appts every 2-3 months. Everything just seemed wrong with her.

I'm at the point now where I want to do my goals. Lose weight, remove hair, accept myself. I can do everything without a therapist except hrt and beyond. If I need hrt, I'll go back.

Quote from: amandam on August 13, 2017, 02:45:35 PM
I don't know if I could transition. So many things pop up in my mind. I have 3 grown kids, and I've always wanted to be the grandpa I and my kids have never had. I'm still married and there's the aspect of the golden years that are coming up. We can have a decent life financially, not rich, not poor. If I could go back and start over as a girl, yes, I could do that. Transition now? Gives me pause. I really don't know if I could. What's in my mind right now is managing symptoms. If I can move more fem, reduce dysphoria, and improve my mental health, that would probably create little damage to the current situation. I guess my list of preferred outcomes goes something like this:

1. Be born a girl, start over. Not gonna happen.
2. Be TS when young and transition. Too late.
3. Manage symptoms, partial transition - thin out body, electrolysis, etc. Seems the best outcome at this point.
4. Full on transition. Only if I had to, it's not a need at this point, even if part of me would like that.

Guess I'm down to number 3. I think my goal is not to be stressed out over this, to completely accept myself, to be who I am meant to be while not being destructive of my usually pleasant life.

If I couldn't personally pass as a woman, number 3 would work for me.  I would be ok knowing I was at least getting the meds I need for sanity's sake and the physical attributes will be how they develop.

I guess I'm holding back some. Part of me wants to transition, go through the looking glass. Part of me says no. I REALLY hear what a lot of you have said here, "only transition if you have to". So I look at my personal list as the following (reordered from above):

Must do:
1. Thin out body like when I was in my 20's to remove male pattern fat and muscle. I am like Frank Dillane physically. I am 5'8-9" and have a lighter medium frame. This will also help my hips, as they extend some. No problems in the booty dept. I have never needed padding. The weight loss alone will give me a more fem shape.
2. Remove hair on hands, feet, my few chest hairs. Doing Tria religiously.
3. Completely accept I am not very manly so quit trying to act like it.

Probably:
1. Grow hair out.
2. Shave legs and pits regularly.
3. Remove beard. If I can afford it, insurance, etc.

Possibly:
1. HRT for mental health. Some feminization okay if I do this.

Only if I have to (full transition). If I transition, I want all three:
1. Breasts and hips.
2. FFS.
3. GRS.

It was months before I presented female in front of my therapist. I was a buzz-cut,  280lb man,  with not an ounce of female. I'd suggest it was the therapist that was at fault. We all go at our own pace,  and take each step when we're ready. X

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Sometimes I wonder, what the heck am I doing. I didn't get a warm fuzzy from this therapist, but at least she was a gender therapist. I'm also not ready to transition fully, so I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Don't want to transition, but it kinda pulls at me. I am obsessed with googling before and after mtf images. When I see the ones who look female, I wish I was them.

If you notice, everything in my feminization list that I said I'd do is a safe thing to do. Remove hand hair, safe. Etc. I think this means that people won't know. That I get away with it. I become more fem and no one knows. I can run back to the safe "male" persona at any time. No one can wonder about me, etc.

Did I cancel my appointment because I made excuses cause I'm afraid? Am I right to just work on myself for awhile? Should I try to lose weight and give it six months? Should I remake my appt.  I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Do therapy, facial hair removal and work on other aspects of your appearance like learning makeup or assembling a wardrobe. Often the need to switch role is rather sudden and the more prep work you can do, the quicker you will be able to move into the feminine role if you feel the need. In my case, loss of a job force my transition about 6 months before I planed it however for many just the need to do it moves up the time table. Indecision is a strong indication of the need for therapy so  resume therapy and don't miss an appointment.

Obviously being new here I'm catching up on a lot of the old topics, I'd like to join this discussion if I may, because others may be able to offer me similar advice if what I'm suggesting is wrong. I've got about halfway down your to do list, and have reached the point of looking to starting hrt, from research I've done, I'm led to think, it's not just physical changes that hormones will bring, but a balancing of mind and body, and so I'm hoping, the fears etc that are present with me, the op and others will likely evaporate and transitioning descions become easier?

My own experience is that the mental changes have far exceeded the physical,  though those are certainly there too.

Although I started living full-time before HRT, and that gave me alot of confidence I'd made the right choice, when I started HRT that gave me a certainty, at least regarding my social transition.

I'm still personally very undecided on how much further I'll go with my medical transition,  so HRT hasn't given me any more clarity or confidence in that regard.

I still have fears and concerns, but have found comfort with these at each step,  HRT being just another step.

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Quote from: Herts_Stephanie on December 24, 2017, 02:21:05 PM
Obviously being new here I'm catching up on a lot of the old topics, I'd like to join this discussion if I may, because others may be able to offer me similar advice if what I'm suggesting is wrong. I've got about halfway down your to do list, and have reached the point of looking to starting hrt, from research I've done, I'm led to think, it's not just physical changes that hormones will bring, but a balancing of mind and body, and so I'm hoping, the fears etc that are present with me, the op and others will likely evaporate and transitioning descions become easier?

While the hormones did a lot to slow down the mental chatter for me, I think the biggest factor in combatting fear was getting out there as myself.  I spent a day in a city where I am not known, presenting as Kathy.  I went into shops, sat in a coffee shop watching people come and go, and just enjoyed being myself.  I found that that experience solidified my sense of self and evaporated all my fears.  By the time I got home later that day, I realized that the fear was gone.  It has never come back.

Quote from: Herts_Stephanie on December 24, 2017, 02:21:05 PM
Obviously being new here I'm catching up on a lot of the old topics, I'd like to join this discussion if I may, because others may be able to offer me similar advice if what I'm suggesting is wrong. I've got about halfway down your to do list, and have reached the point of looking to starting hrt, from research I've done, I'm led to think, it's not just physical changes that hormones will bring, but a balancing of mind and body, and so I'm hoping, the fears etc that are present with me, the op and others will likely evaporate and transitioning descions become easier?

One member you should pay attention to is in the following links. Unfortunately this is about the 5th account so much of the history isn't available but the threads I have provided will give you a general idea of what's going on. Jayne has struggled with this for around two years but this is the longest time I have seen her comfortable with herself.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=56513
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230041.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230367.0.html

Thanks to you all for your responses, hopefully as planned Megan we can discuss things further as already planned. Thanks for the links Dena, I had read some of her postings as I was familiarising myself with the forums, but didn't realise she had come and gone so often, I'll have a read x

Always happy to talk and share my experiences, but answers can only ever come from you. X

See you in 2018! [emoji16]

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